Toxic Custard Workshop Files

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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************

***********************FORTY-ONE TO FORTY-FIVE******************************

(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)

______________________________________________________________________________

And the world looks just the same

******* **** * * ****** Number 41

* * * * * 25th March 1991

* * * * * **** Rating: Below average

* * * * * * *

* **** * * * Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht

TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear customer,

Congratulations on the purchase of your new camel.

This is the amazing new model C-5000 camel. Especially developed for the

lunatic with the technological edge over the rest of the asylum. Your new

camel has been manufactured and tested by the supreme commander of Allied

moustaches in Washington DC. Please read this manual carefully, it will save

you a great deal of time, money and bloodshed in the future. Here are some

important tips to read, before using your C-5000 Camel. This advice tells

you what to do if-

- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the desert with

no food or water or other supplies-: Not a lot.

- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the dessert in

a very good restaurant-: Call the head-waiter and ask him to have

the camel carcass removed.

- if your camel unexpectedly has a break-down-: Call a specialised camel

psychiatrist and repair-man immediately. A full list of authorised

service organisations is included in the special supplement which

is mysteriously missing from this package.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

VIDEO-RIP-OFF STORES - OUR VIDEO GUIDE

Our video reviews have a key, as follows.

***** Completely and utterly brilliant, borrow it every week for the

next five years.

**** Excellent viewing, borrow it lots of times.

*** Most enjoyable viewing.

** Worth watching - borrow it once, at least.

* Absolutely bloody awful, but well worth spending $3 on borrowing

it to see just how awful it is.

In addition, all movies are rated according to content:

keep 'em quiet for a few seconds.

(G) - General viewing... the stuff you borrow when your parents/grandparents

have come to stay.

(PG) - Parental guidance; may have minor itsy bitsy scenes of suggested sex

and violence. See (C)

(M) - Mature viewing (15 and over). May have quite crude language (anything

except the C word), quite a bit of sex and violence, but

the kids will love it, even if it does scare them shitless.

See (C).

(R) - Restricted viewing (18 and over). Contains scenes of vile and filthy

language, orgiastic sex and/or gratituous violence with

people and/or animals being torn apart with blood and guts

everywhere. See (C).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

POLICE AND FIRE-FIGHTERS' OLYMPICS

It has been announced that the 1994 Police and Fire-Fighters' Olympics

will be held in Melbourne, Australia; the first time this event has been

held outside North America. Police spokesman Inspector Unnecessary-Violence

said a number of new police events will be inaugurated:

- syncronised drug-raids

- moving armed-target shooting

- the 110 metre crowd-control hurdles

- the 52x400 metre relay truncheon-beating (this event will be the first

from the games to be televised around the world)

- incorrect suspect shooting

- the 400 metre interrogation and forced confession

- smashing down doors with axes

The Fire brigade will also be introducing some new events:

- the high-jump assisted by long ladder

- the long-distance rescue from a burning building

- smashing down doors with axes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ladies, gentlemen, a toast please, to the forty-first Toxic

Custard Workshop File. Now available, volume 1 of the

bestestestest of TCWF. Mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for

details. Discerning readers who considered this TCWF to

be a good vintage may also marvel at the equisite taste

of Rocket Roger. This week - Roger battles the evil forces

of the injoke-a-troids. Mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu

for details.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please note: rumours are afoot about charges to be made on

network e-mail. This may effect TCWF; stand-by for details.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

______________________________________________________________________________

A NOTICE TO ALL USERS OF INTERNET FROM THE INTERNET ADMINISTRATION COMMITTEE.

The recent increase in mail activity around areas of Usenet, Janet, Bitnet,

Aarnet and other associated networks on Internet has caused some concern.

Because of the high amount of traffic, it has been decided that from the

beginning of April 1991, all users wishing to use mail will be charged a

weekly subscription rate. This will entitle the user to send five items a

month; any additional items will be charged for, the charge depending on the

user's location. In addition, all users will be charged for NetNews articles

they post, depending on length of the item. Further charges on ftp, telnet

and other activities are yet to be discussed.

Because of the number of different currencies used by various people on

Internet, and the fluctuating values of these currencies, it has been decided

that the unit of currency on Internet used for paying for e-mail will be

old orange-peels. To be authenticated, you must take your orange-peels

to your system administrator, who will, for a standard fee, rubber-stamp

the peels for use as Internet currency to pay for network services.

Alternatively, you may participate in the Internet credit-card scheme,

NerdCard. When using Internet, all you need to do is quote your NerdCard

number and password, and your account will be adjusted accordingly.

As the Internet is often seen as many nodes being poles apart, these charges

will be known as the Pole Tax.

TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES

SPECIAL HOLY ISSUE (lots of holes in it)

NUMBER 42, 1ST APRIL 1991 (which commemorates some day or other, doesn't it?

I forget now.)

WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN. tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*A MESSAGE FOR EASTER FROM THE MEN OF THE CLOTH*

Moses did bring down the commandments. And the Lord did reveal unto him

the ways of holiness. Moses did tell all the people, that it should be

known and practised by all. And the secrets were thus:

Printed fabric is always liable to retain a small amount of surface dye

especially on deep colours. PELACO 3:11

Before wearing it is recommended that the garment be washed separately

to remove any surface dye which may be present. PELACO 3:12

The devil is carefree! He just throws everything in the washing machine!

Let all be warned; if you ignore the Lord's warning about the laundry,

not only will you end up in hell for eternity, but your underpants will

come out purple.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Rodney Franks, leader of the cult church group Rod for God, have announced

a new initiative to get The Word across to the masses. They plan a chain of

drive-thru confessional booths in major cities across America. We interviewed

Rodney at his Alabama mansion err convent.

"We have to find new ways of getting people back to the Church" he said.

"The young people of today must realise that they can be holy AND have fun

sinning, as long as they confess afterwards. By opening our booths 24 hours

a day, it allows people to indulge in pleasures of the flesh in their cars at

night on secluded roads with kinky underwear or whatever disgusting but

rather fun behaviour they get up to, and to confess about it straight

afterwards."

According to some sources, the Rod for God group will also be asking the

police department to help stamp-out dangerous driving by installing road-signs

saying "Thou shalt not exceed 40 MPH".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EASTER

The past weekend is an important occasion for Christians, but why the link

between religion and rabbits and Easter-eggs? Our raving reporter Arnold

Psychopath has been looking into this and has discovered that God is in fact

a chicken. He tracked God down to a small farm north of Ballarat, and

interviewed the owner of the farm, Mr Ronald Christ.

"Yes, in fact God is a rather old chicken, who lives in one of the

hutches at the eastern end of the farm", Ronald confessed. "The chocolate

eggs thing just seemed like a good idea at the time. The rabbit link comes

from God's good mate (Saint) Peter Rabbit, named after the Beatrix Potter

character, who also lives down that end of the farm. We had thought of

selling God to Kentucky Fried Chicken, but Kentucky Fried God doesn't quite

have the same ring to it. Besides, I don't fancy a few lightning bolts

hitting the farm - it is the bushfire season right now you know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I suppose you were expecting me to make a big

song and dance about it being number 42? No

such luck. I mean, it would have been taking

a very cheap opportunity to have some obscure

reference to an old radio series, just by

making stupid jokes about the ultimate

question. The closest thing you'll get to that

from here could be the amazing adventures of

ROCKET ROGER. Just mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.

mit.edu for details.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next week: The ultimate quagmire. The best

of TCWF vol 1 (1-30) is now available. All

responsibility for this crap is taken by the

very boring tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Douglas Adams? Never 'eard of 'im)

______________________________________________________________________________

--Hey, it's number 42, can we have lots of Hitch Hikers references?

-----You fool, that was last week!

--You mean we missed it? Damn.

-----Well, I s'pose we could... erm.. How about this?

# # ##### ## +--TOXIC------------+ by Daniel Bowen

# # # # # | CUSTARD | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

##### ##### ##### # | WORKSHOP +-----------+

# # # # | FILES |

----#-#####--------###-+ Number 42+1, 8th April 1991 +----------------------

--No, that's totally useless.

-----You sure? I kind of liked it.

--No, it's garbage. Scrap it.

-----Ah, okay then. Try again.

# # ##### +--TOXIC----------+ by Daniel Bowen

# # # | CUSTARD | tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

##### ##### | WORKSHOP +-----------+--Special thanks to---------------

# # | FILES | Lori Boren

----#-#####--+ Number 43, 8th April 1991 +----------------------------------

--Much better

-----Yes, you're right

LOOK, WILL YOU TWO PISS OFF? RIGHT. NOW I CAN GET ON WITH IT.

HELLO! YOU DISTANTLY RELATED COUSIN'S GOAT OF A BAVARIAN MOUSE-TRAP

INSURANCE ASSESSMENT AGENT.

And if you'd like to see about insurance for your Bavarian mouse-trap, call

TrapInsurance today. They will give you a free quote, and can also offer a

range of policies on used biro lids, old batteries and three-week-old

newspaper supplements.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having trouble keeping appointments? Can't remember what time the invasion is

scheduled for? Trying to keep track of the massacred? Want to find the best

type of fuel for burning down parliament buildings? Try the new THIRD REICH

1000 YEAR DIARY PLANNER - as used by 9 out of 10 dictators.

It has ample room to contain all the information you and your followers

need to know. Space to store attack formations, rally appearances and kinky

sexual liaisons. Plus a bonus informative section containing full details of

how to run a totalitarian country. It's all there - gaining power, media

manipulation, looking good in the eyes of the West, civilian genocide on the

quiet and annexing for beginners.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"A Midsummer-Night's Dream", Act 1, Scene 2.

QUINCE: ... you must needs play Pyramus.

BOTTOM: Well, I will undertake it. What beard were I best to play it in?

QUINCE: Why, what you will.

BOTTOM: I will discharge it in either your straw-colour beard, your

orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain beard, or your

French-crown-colour beard, your perfect yellow.

QUINCE: Quite a choice, but have you seen the new range at Beard City?

BOTTOM: Nay, I have not.

QUINCE: The Winter season's beards have just arrived at Beard City, and

if you come in now, we'll give you five beards for the price of

four. And not only that, but you can check out our large range of

false moustaches.

BOTTOM: But hast thou a beard for Pyramus?

QUINCE: Sir, we have the largest range of beards in the southern

hemisphere! From our bargain Chadwick and Hinch models, right up

to the classical Da Vinci style and the top of the range - the

Jesus.

BOTTOM: I fear for the quality and steadfastness of the product.

QUINCE: Fear not, our beards are made to last! Beard City's beards are made

of only the finest materials, constructed under supervision by expert

craftsmen! And our beards come with a lifetime guarantee!

+-----BEARD CITY - BEARDS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR-----+

|If this beard proves to be defective in |

|materials or workmanship, it will be replaced. |

|Note: Beard City will not be liable for any |

|injury, loss or damage, direct or consequential, |

|arising out of the improper use of, or the |

|inability to use, this beard. |

| |

|Beard City recommend and stock sharp razorblades!|

+-------------------------------------------------+

BEARD CITY - "Keep your chin warm this winter" sale, now on!

Biggest range, best prices, all sizes available.

4 Napier Street, Essendon

Phone 370-5538 or 375-2999

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TCWF this week is brought to you by Beard City.

Next week, a load of crap. Now (still) available,

the Bestest(etc)est of TCWF Vol 1. To get your

copy, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some would call it space-junk, but the author (who

is holding a loaded pencil to my head) prefers to

call it Rocket Roger. To subscribe, mail him

at rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

______________________________________________________________________________

Mediocre

_________

| ______ \ \ \ \ Spa date: 15th April 1991

| / \ \/ \ \/ Location: The planet Plagiar

| | \ / ___ \ /\ \ /\ Mission: Yes

| | \ /\ / | \/ \ \/ \ Agent: No thanks, I just ate

| \______ \/ \/ |-- \ \ Due date: Tomorrow. Late fine

Toxic Custard Workshop Files 44 /--\-----\ \ is 50 cents/day. After 7

15th April 1991 |SPOT THE| days, borrowing privileges

Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht |IN-JOKE!| will be suspended.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - \--------/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We would just like to point out that it was

suggested that the end bit be put here for

once, to try and fool everyone into thinking

that there was nothing in this week's TCWF.

Oh, come on, do you really think anyone would

be fooled? Not bloody likely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attention Frankston line passengers. The 4:38pm train to Frankston is

running twenty minutes late due to the driver having decided to stop at

Armadale and clip his toenails. Besides which, staff at Metropolitan Train

Control felt a bit thirsty and have all gone to Young & Jacksons for

drinkies. In addition to this, staff at this station have been working a

double-shift, and are consequently going home as they are absolutely

buggered. There will be no trains tomorrow due to most of the staff being

extremely pissed off with management, and going to the Australian Railway

Union picnic in the Royal Botanical Gardens, instead of turning up to run

the train system.

Metropolitan Transit apologises for any inconvenience.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- Good morning, Toningwash Body-bank, Spare-parts division; Lance Oribone

speaking.

--- Hello. I lost my nose on the 4:34 city-bound train yesterday, and I

was wondering if it had been handed in?

- Well sir, let me just check the files... a leg... a couple of toes...

five arms including a matching pair... and one ear. No, I'm sorry

sir, I don't think we have your nose.

--- Oh dear. I was very attached to it.

- May I suggest ringing around some other establishments who may have

received your nose? You could try the Eltteas General Hospital,

or perhaps the National Association of Nose Collectors, who I

believe have a very large collection.

--- Well, thank you for your help. I wonder if one of them could have it?

- Who knows?

--- Oh ha ha ha, very bloody funny.

- I'm not surprised; you'd better get a band-aid.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

TERRORIST ATTACK ON CONVENTION

A terrorist bomb attack on the Inaugural World Convention Of Traffic Wardens

has resulted in the deaths of over 200 traffic wardens. Some 3000 terrorist

organisations have claimed their involvement in the attack, obviously

wanting to take all the credit. The bomb, which was planted in a car, was

set off by a traffic warden lifting one of the windscreen wipers to place

a ticket on the car. Political and public outrage has centred on why the

attack didn't kill more traffic wardens. I mean, if you've got the nasty

little creeps all in one building like that, surely a bomb actually set

off within the building would be better for getting rid of all of them?

Except the ones patrolling the carpark outside, still, perhaps a sniper

for them... or if we poisoned the catering? Oh no, I forgot, they aren't

human, the poison might not work. A booby trap in the hotel lobby could be

a better idea; with flying knives... no, no, a specially designed spear

that could drop onto their beds while they're asleep... What do you

mean the RSPCA will object?!?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lot of people

This is the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Well, have enquired as

that's about all we've got time for this week. to why this side

We'll be back next week with number 45. of the screen is

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ not used during

Now (still) available is the bestestest of TCWF these plugs and

Volume 1; mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu so on. Oh, well,

to receive it. okay then, no-one

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ asked. It was just

Under new galactic legislation, we are required a silly idea to

to provide a plug for the increasing boredom of fill in a bit of

Rocket Roger - The Space Operetta. To receive space, that's all.

it, mail rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu Sorry for the

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ intrusion.

Good evening, it's 8:30 on W-TV, Arizona's only 24 hour weather TV station!

Next we've got the weather for Arizona, followed by the weather for Arizona,

and after that, the weather for Arizona. At 9pm, there's the weather for

Arizona, the weather for Arizona, and the weather for Arizona. This will be

followed by the extended weather report for Arizona at 9:30. At 10pm it's

International Hour, and we'll have weather reports from around the world,

including Arizona, Melbourne Australia, Arizona, Halifax Canada, Arizona,

Warrington England, Arizona, outer Mongolia, and finally, Arizona. Note that

all Centigrade temperatures are accompanied by Fahrenheit subtitles. And

don't think it's bedtime then, because all night on the Weather station we've

got Arizona weather reports.

And now, here is the weather for Arizona. Arizona will be bloody hot. More

weather right after this break.

______________________________________________________________________________

Looks a bit pretentious doesn't it?

WARNING:

This mail can be

dangerous for the brain.

It has already left the

author braindead.

##-------##--##########--T---O---X---I---C---------C---U---S---T---A---R---D--+

## ## ## |

########### ########## W O R K S H O P F I L E S |

| ## ## |

| ## ## N u m b e r 4 5 - 2 2 n d A p r i l 1 9 9 1|

| ## ########## by Mr Luxury-Yacht tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu|

+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+

The Whydeath International Megabucks Drugs Company is proud to announce new

MagicPill. This exciting new development in medical care has been especially

designed to cure lots of people of not a lot, and make huge amounts of

money for us. MagicPill does have one slight side-effect which is that

roughly 1 in 5 patients will experience sudden death under a lorry within

15 seconds of swallowing the pill. We of course deny any link between these

tragic occurrences and MagicPill. Because there is no link. In fact, we've

never heard of this phenomenon. Where do you get these wild exaggerated claims

from? This sort of illogical and unrationally moral accusation is totally

unfounded, and unsupported by any scientific evidence that YOU can get your

hands on.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

M E G A B O G U E !

Megabogue have announced the forthcoming release of their new heavy-metal-

opera. It's the story of a deaf, dumb and blind heavy-metal loving Englishman,

and will be called "Pommy".

"See me, feel me, touch me, bonk me senseless!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It was true. The writer had forgotten him completely. Calendiar fought back

the sea of tears like Moses on a good day, and made sure his cliche was

loaded, before moving off down the hall towards the llama corpse. He bent

down to find a used banana lying by it. Could it be, he thought, another

of the infamous banana murders? How had they happened? Who was responsible?

What did he care? He was just the caretaker. He had to get to the bottom of

it, and he did. The bottom of the llama was fairly disgusting, as the bottoms

of many mammals are. Especially when they're dead.

Calendiar looked around. A telltale sign here... a small mark on the

wall there... it was shocking. It definitely looked like a job for the

Pine-o-Cleen. But Calendiar was in trouble. He was in very bad trouble.

Not to put too fine a point on it, he was in bloody deep shit. It had vanished

completely. Where was it? He looked around again. No sign. How in the hell was

he supposed to clean up a dead llama, a used banana and all these telltale

signs and small marks on the walls if he had no sponge?

He listened.

Footsteps.

Shouting.

Screaming.

Yelling.

Unbearable noise.

Would those bloody neighbours never shut up?

Calendiar rang the police five times to complain about the noise, and

each time instead got the all-night Chicken Laundry place around the corner,

whose prime place in the retail market of life was not domestic noise

complaints. Not during the week, anyway.

Calendiar sighed deeply, and wished it would all end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE INTERNET PHONE BOOK OF SILLY PEOPLE

Bestest of Toxic Custard... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

The highly silly and lowly amusing adventures

of Rocket Roger... rocketroger@gnu.ai.mit.edu

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monash Caulfield/Frankston: Check out the Naked Wasp, Page 37

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next week: Something else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Right now: Golf Report.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GOLF REPORT.

(I'm sorry, that should read "GOLD REPORT". Try again.)

GOLD REPORT.

(Excellent, now get on with it.)

Here is the gold report. A double-bogie has prevented Greg Norman from taking

out the Melbourne Stock-Exchange charity cup for retired and unwanted

destitute company directors. Doctors operated last night on his nose and

removed the double-bogie, which was apparently blocking his nasal packages.

Did I say packages? I meant passages.

During the charity game, American golfer Freddy Holmstringer got an eagle

on the fifth, which was barbecued and eaten on the seventh.

_______________________________________________________________________________

To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu

May be copied or reproduced without permission

provided this notice remains intact.

Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are

Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling

----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...

tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]

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