The X-Files: Long Live the King

 From: shan@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Steven Han)

Date: 1 Aug 1994 18:13:47 -0500

Well, the reception to my first story, "Bot Wars", was positive, so I 

wrote another creative(?) X-Files piece.  Here follows 

"Long Live the King", by Steven Han, 8/1/1994.

I don't have access to alt.tv.x-files.creative (I'm mailing this through

a mail-to-news gateway), so please direct all comments to alt.tv.x-files,

or to e-mail (shan@nyx.cs.du.edu).

And as before, apologies to anyone I might have offended (especially this 

time).

And folks, remember, don't take any of this stuff too seriously. :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday morning

7:52 a.m.

FBI Headquarters

Washington, D.C.

Scully walked into the office, dressed in a conservative brown suit.  She 

put her bag down by the desk, and looked over at Mulder.  He was 

sitting back in his chair, sans jacket, consumed by the pages of a 

supermarket tabloid.  "Reading the latest space alien articles, eh, 

Mulder?", Scully smirked.

"Not space aliens this time, Scully, it's Elvis.  He's back", deadpanned

Mulder.

"Oh, and where was he seen this week? in a laundromat in Duluth? or in

a Seven-Eleven in Kansas City?", coyed Scully.

"It's not just Elvis, Scully.  There have also been sightings of Jim

Morrison, of the Doors.  And Liberace and John Lennon, as well.  In fact, 

there's been a rash of dead celebrity sightings recently." said Mulder 

without looking up, his face still buried in the paper.

"Oh, time for an X-file, perhaps?", joked Scully.

"This is bigger than you might think, Scully", said Mulder, finally 

looking up at Scully.  Putting down the rag, he got up from his chair and 

walked over to the file cabinet in the corner.  Searching through the 

files, he pulled out a red folder and handed it to Scully.

"What's this - an X-file on dead celebrities?", quipped Scully,

"Precisely, Scully.  It dates all the way back to 1951.", replied

Mulder.

"Mulder, is this a joke?", asked Scully, her head cocked to one side.

"No, Scully, this is dead serious.  There are too many corroborated

accounts of dead celebrities in this file for it to be easily dismissed.

The people who contributed to this file over the years all took the

matter very seriously, even when they were laughed at by their peers."

Purely out of curiosity, Scully opened the file, and examined its contents.

There were photographs of famous celebrities - Marilyn Monroe, Jimmy

Durante, and yes, even Elvis.  She closed the file, and handed it back

to Mulder.  "You have really got to be kidding, Mulder.  We work for the

FBI, not the National Enquirer."

"Still the non-believer, eh, Scully?", Mulder asked.  "You may be

surprised at what I've found so far."

"Surprised at what, Mulder?" said Scully, her arms crossed.

Mulder sat back down, and leaned back in his chair.  "These accounts of 

dead celebrity sightings - they might seem frivolous to you, but I think

there's actually a sinister plot at work here.  Are you familiar with

colonel Tom Parker, Scully?"

"Sure - he was Elvis's manager.  Kept a tight leash on him, from what I

remember.", replied Scully, taking a seat.

"Not only that, he kept half of Elvis's income.  So when Elvis passed

away, he must have really started hurting."

"So what are you saying, Milder - that the colonel brought Elvis back to

life?"

"Is it so hard to believe, Scully?" Mulder asked.  "The colonel, faced

with a near-total loss of income, decides to revive a dead star in order

to generate some publicity.  Peoples' interest in Elvis gets piqued again, 

and sales of his records takes off."

"Mulder, this is outrageous.  When's the last time you heard of anyone

bringing a dead person back to life?", said Scully, rolling her eyes.

"It's been done, Scully.  Haven't you heard of experiments where an

electric charge was applied to dead frog's legs, causing them to contract?  

It's the same principle.  A sufficient electrical charge, applied to a 

dead human in a controlled manner, can in theory control their muscular 

movements and make them look alive."

"Except for the decaying, rotting flesh, that is."

"Not necessarily, Scully.  Remember that Elvis was always seen in full

regalia - complete with sequins and big hair.  The only parts of his

body that were exposed were his face and hands.  And even then, he wore

sunglasses most of the time.  If his body were mummified and perfectly

preserved, his face could be made to look natural through a suitable

application of cosmetics.  And his big, 70's hair could be the perfect

cover for a portable electrical stimulating device to control his

muscles."

"Mulder, this is ludicrous.  No, it's beyond ludicrous.  This is insane.

You should just listen to yourself talk." said Scully, shaking her head.

"You think so, eh, Scully? well, we'll find out for sure", said Mulder,

getting up from his chair.  "What do you mean?", asked Scully, looking

up at Mulder.

"Come with me and you'll see, Scully", said Mulder, pulling Scully up

from her chair.  "There's been an Elvis sighting in Minneapolis.  That's

where we're going."

"But Mulder, ..." started Scully, but to no avail.

1:12 p.m.

FBI field office

Minneapolis, Minnesota

"Why hello, Mulder - what a pleasant surprise", said Agent J, as she saw

Mulder and Scully approaching her desk.  She got up and extended her 

hand to Mulder, asking, "How long's it been, Mulder - two years now?"

"Almost that, AJ.  By the way, this is my new partner, Dana Scully".

"Hello, Dana, it's a pleasure to meet you.", said Agent J.  "Likewise",

smiled Scully.  "Have you two known each other long?", asked Scully,

looking at Mulder and Agent J.

Mulder and Agent J both started to speak at the same time, and stopped 

themselves.  Agent J smiled and said, "go ahead, Fox - you're a better

storyteller than I am, anyway.".

"Okay, AJ - well, Scully, Agent J here and I met three years ago, when I 

was assigned to the Stalking Santa case here in Minneapolis."

"The Stalking Santa case? I don't believe I'm familiar with that one",

said a puzzled Scully.

"Well", Mulder continued on.  "There were reports of a Santa Claus

stalking patrons at the Mall of America here in Minneapolis around

Christmas.  Unfortunately, in a large mall like this, there were numerous

people in Santa guises - just how many were there, do you remember, AJ?"

"Nearly twenty", replied Agent J.

"Yes, that's right.  Twenty Santas.  And one of them was stalking shoppers 

in the parking lot as they returned to their cars in the dark.  Terrible 

thing, stealing their purses and wallets, taking their kids' Nintendo 

cartridges and Barbi Corvettes.  Then he would run away, but not before 

leaving their victims tied up in a Christmas stocking.  Hence the

moniker 'Stalking Santa'."

Agent J added, "Mulder here was called in to perform a psychological 

study of the assailant.  His brilliant profile of the likely criminal 

helped catch the bad guy."

"A psychological profile of a deranged Santa? This I've gotta hear", 

said Scully.

Mulder smiled, and proceeded.  "Well, I remembered from the victims' 

accounts that the assailant was a rather large fellow, with an ample belly 

and rosy cheeks, and wearing a furry red outfit.  It seemed to me that the

likely perpetrator was a white male in his fifties, over six feet and 250 

lbs, suffering from a skin rash, and with a fondness for red fur."

"Gee, how brilliant, Mulder.", groaned Scully.

"In addition, the fact that he tied up his victims with a stocking

suggested to me a degree of sexual depravity.  So I merely hung around

all the adult bookstores in town for a couple of weeks, looking for

guys with big bellies and rosy cheeks."

"Finally, I found this guy in Al's Adult Video and Marital Aids shop that 

was staring rather longingly at some red lingerie.  He was about six feet, 

300 pounds, and was wearing a jacket with brown fur trim.  Not red, but 

close enough.  Needless to say, I cuffed him right there, and dragged him 

to the bureau office.  He resisted, of course, saying something about his 

being a senator or something, but I naturally told him to save it for the 

judge.  Case closed."

"Of course, there continued to be some copycat attacks around the mall, 

but we figured they were probably just some teenage pranksters, so we

naturally ignored them."

"Oh Mulder, you were so brilliant", said Agent J admiringly, "we could

never have solved that case without you."

Mulder smiled appreciatively, and proceeded, "In any event, AJ, Scully and 

I are here on another case.  Did you get that fax I sent you?", he asked.

"Yes, I did.  And I did some research into the matter.  Here are the names

and addresses of the people who have reported seeing Elvis in the past 

week", said Agent J, handing Mulder a sheet of paper.

"Thanks, AJ - owe you one.", said Mulder, as he turned back towards the

hallway, motioning to Scully to join him.

"Thanks for the help, Agent J", said Scully, turning to join Mulder.

"No problem, folks" said Agent J, waving to the pair.

2:31 p.m.

Midtown Minneapolis

Mulder and Scully parked their Taurus in front of an old bungalow, and

walked up to the front door.  Shortly after ringing the doorbell, a lady

answered the door.  "Yes?", she asked.

Flashing their IDs, Mulder and Scully said "Mrs. Wright? We're from the 

FBI.  We'd like to speak to you about your Elvis sighting.  Can we come 

in please?"

"Why certainly, folks, come right on in", said the lady.

Stepping in through the door, Mulder could see that Mrs. Wright was

about fifty or so, wearing a beehive and plenty of face creme, and perched 

on the wrong side of two hundred pounds.  She had on a paisley dress that 

was louder than the average Seattle rock band, and was puffing on a camel 

out of the corner of her mouth.

"Have a seat, folks.  Make yourself at home.  Care for some beer?", she 

asked, heading into the kitchen.

Mulder and Scully looked at each other, and said "No thanks, we're fine".

They sat down on the lime green sofa, and heard the awful squeaking as

their clothes rubbed against the plastic slip covers.  They looked

around the modest living room, and saw some plants here and there, along 

with a lava lamp and a Chia pet sitting in the corner.

Returning from the kitchen with a Budweiser in her hand, Mrs. Wright sat

down in a chair opposite Mulder and Scully.  The chair creaked under her

weight, but quieted down as she settled in.  She started, "You know, 

folks, I've been an Elvis fan all my life, right from the time I was a

little girl in Mississippi.  Never thought I'd actually meet him in person, 

though.  The good lord must've blessed me - it was like seeing an angel."

Scully leaned forward, hearing the slip covers squeak again.  She asked,

"Mrs. Wright, where exactly did this sighting occur?"

"Well, it was right when I was leaving the mall.  I'd just bought a lovely

little commemorative Elvis plate from a stand in the mall lobby, only four

dollars and ninety-five cents, you know.  A real bargain.  I remember my

aunt Pearl saying she got an Elvis plate for six ninety-five; I sure beat 

her."

"Oh, anyway, here I was, walking to my station wagon.  When all of a sudden, 

out of nowhere, I saw Elvis himself, in all his glory, getting into a car.  

Why, I began to scream right there - and almost nearly dropped my brand new 

plate, too.  And when I managed to get a hold of my plate again, I looked 

back up, but by then, Elvis was gone.  My dear, wonderful Elvis! it was like 

a vision - it just came and went."

Mulder also leaned forward. "Mrs. Wright, do you remember what Elvis looked 

like?  I mean, what condition was he in?", asked Mulder.

"Well, now that you mention it, he did look a little pale - and it looked

like he had lost some weight.  Must've been working out, I gather.  And

you know, he didn't look a day older than when the time my husband Dean 

and I went to see him in Vegas.  The same wonderful hair, the same 

glittering rhinestones - oh, it was so wonderful!", said Mrs. Wright, all 

giddy, nearly spilling her beer.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Wright", said Mulder, as he and Scully got up.

"You've been a great help."

As they were walking back to their car, Scully turned to Mulder, and said, 

"Mulder, I hope you're not taking any of this seriously.  Even you must 

have seen that she was completely delusional."

"Delusional, Scully?  perhaps it's you who refuse to see the truth.  We

have here a credible witness, with a firsthand account of a encounter

with a dead celebrity.  I think this is conclusive proof of a heinous 

plot.  Come on, Scully, we have further investigating to do."

"Mulder, this is nuts!  I refuse to go any further with this case! Why, in

fact, it's not even a case! it's just some silly wild goose chase.  Mulder,

I think you could really use some professional help this time."

"Very well, then, Scully.  I guess you won't want to come with me to

Tennessee.", said Mulder, eyeing Scully inquisitively.  "You won't get to

find out the source of these sightings; I guess you'll just have to read

about it in the papers, hmmm."

Scully stood there for a moment, arms crossed.  She then finally turned

to Mulder, and said, "Oh, alright, Mulder.  I'll indulge in your idiotic 

search a while longer.", shaking her head.

6:51 p.m.

Nashville, Tennessee

"Mulder, isn't Elvis's estate in Memphis, not Nashville?", asked Scully as 

she folded up the road map.  "Yes, but that's not where we're going, 

Scully", replied Mulder, as he turned the car around a corner.  "We're 

going to visit a friend of mine who lives here." 

Scully raised an eyebrow. "Yet another one of your friends, Mulder?  just 

how many of these friends do you have?"  "Not that many, Scully", 

smiled Mulder.

They walked up to the front door, and rang the doorbell.  A moment

later, a blonde woman answered the door.  Upon seeing Mulder, her face

lit up, and she jumped to embrace him.  "Why, Mulder!  I thought I'd never 

see you again!", she said joyfully, giving him a big smooch.

Trying to maneuver through her embrace, Mulder turned to Scully, and said,

"Scully, this is Julianne.  We go way back".  

Scully smiled politely, and said "Hello, Julianne.  I'm Dana Scully.  

How do you do?"

Julianne released Mulder, and gathered herself.  "Oh, where are my

manners.  I'm sorry, it's so nice to meet you.  Won't you both please come

inside?"

Inside the house, Scully could see that Julianne was in the midst of

working at her computer.  There were papers and magazines sprawled

about, and she deduced that Julianne was a writer of some kind.

"Can I get you folks anything?", smiled Julianne.  "No thanks, I'm

fine", Mulder replied politely.  Scully concurred, "I'm fine, thank you."

Mulder and Scully sat down on the couch, and Julianne sat in a chair

opposite Mulder.  Still smiling, she asked Mulder with a wink of the eye, 

"So, Fox, what brings you here?"

"Well, Julianne, we're investigating a series of dead celebrities

sightings, Elvis in particular.  I know you're an expert in the area

of rock musicians and the press, so I was wondering if you had any good

gossip you could share with us."

"Well, Fox dear, you've come to the right place.", smiled Julianne, as she

leaned over and put her hand on Mulder's arm.  "It just so happens that 

there has been a rash of dead musician sightings all over the country in 

the past few weeks.  Everyone from Elvis to Jim Morisson, to Jimmy Hendrix, 

to John Lennon.  The buzz is flying higher than a canary on steroids.", 

said Julianne excitedly.

"Hmm.. do you have any idea why there would be so many sightings?"

asked Mulder.

"I'm not sure, Fox", said Julianne, pinching Mulder's thigh, "but it seems 

that most of the sightings are centered around the Louisville, Kentucky

area.  Here, I'll go get a map.", said Julianne, rushing off to another 

room.

Scully leaned over and whispered, "Mulder, do you actually believe any

of this stuff your oversexed friend is feeding you?"

"Why sure, Scully - I've known Julianne for a long time, and I trust her

implicitly."

"Just how exactly did you get to know her?", asked Scully inquisitively.

"Well, a few years ago, I was at a convention on UFOs in St. Louis.

Julianne was writing science fiction stories back then, and she found out

about me and my work through some attendees.  She came up to me and hounded 

me for an interview, saying she was interested in the possibility of alien

life forms.  I tried to brush her off at first, but she kept insisting.

In fact, her tenacity was so overwhelming,  she camped out at my hotel

and wouldn't let me get up to my room until I gave her an interview.  It

turned out, though, that she was actually a very nice person, and she was

sincerely interested in the subject.  We've been friends ever since."

Julianne returned from the room with a folded-up map of the Louisville 

area.  She squeezed herself in on the sofa next to Mulder, rubbing 

shoulders with him in the process, and unfolded the map on the coffee 

table.  "This is where most of the sightings originated", said Julianne, 

pointing to a spot on the map.

Mulder examined the map intently.  Apparently, each celebrity sighting

had been marked with a dot on the map, and the dots were clustered on a

certain area outside of Louisville.  There were dots further away, but 

the grew less and less frequent the further away from the epicenter.

"Thanks a lot, Julianne, you've been a great help.", said Mulder as he

got up.

"Gee, Mulder, when will I see you again?", asked Julianne with wide open

eyes.

"I'm not sure, Julianne - but I'll be sure to visit again when I get the

chance.  Come on Scully, we have a plane to catch." Said Mulder, as he

led Scully towards the door.

"Ta ta, Mulder", she said, blowing him a kiss, and added, "Nice meeting

you, Dana", waving at them as they left.

"Nice to have met you, Julianne", smiled Scully, as she followed Mulder

out the front door.  She turned briefly, and caught a glimpse of

Julianne gazing longingly at Mulder as he walked off towards the car.

9:21 a.m.

Tuesday

outside Louisville, Kentucky

Mulder and Scully drove north through the heavily wooded road.  It

seemed a little strange to Scully, seeing tall Douglas firs here in 

Kentucky, and it even seemed like she had seen this particular stretch of 

road before, but she quickly brushed off the thought.

They let the map guide them towards a huge private estate on the

outskirts of the Louisville area.  Pulling up to the driveway, they could

see that it was a beautiful 18th century mansion, complete with a

magnificent carved fountain in the front yard.

Mulder and Scully knocked on the front door, and were met moments later by 

a large, burly man in a butler's uniform.  "I'm agent Mulder, with the FBI, 

and this is agent Scully.  We'd like to speak with the owner of the house, 

please."

"May I inquire as to the nature of your business?", the man asked softly.

"It regards some celebrity sightings", Mulder responded.  The man paused 

for a moment, then invited them into the drawing room.  He then left to 

seek the head of the household.

A minute later, the man reappeared, and led Mulder and Scully into a

large room downstairs.  The room had high ceilings and a fine chandelier, 

but was otherwise barren save for several large paintings covering each 

of the walls.  He then left the room, closing the door behind him.

Mulder and Scully paced the room for a few minutes, waiting for the

owner of the house to arrive.  Scully turned to Mulder, and began,

"Mulder, I think this is a waste of time.  There's ..."

Just then, they were surprised by a loud creaking sound, and the grinding

sound of machinery.  Turning to the wall that was the source of the

noise, they saw a painting on the wall beginning to rise up.  As Mulder 

and Scully approached the wall, they could see that the moving painting 

exposed a window.  Behind it was a small room, where a man was sitting.

He had white hair and a white beard, and was wearing a white suit with a 

black southern bow tie.  He was also holding a cane in one hand.  He 

looked at Mulder and Scully, and let out a hearty laugh.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA! you fools!", he exhorted, and his voice carried

through speakers hidden in the walls.

Mulder was taken aback. "Why, why.. it wasn't colonel Parker that was 

behind this at all; why, why, it was ... colonel Sanders!"

Scully turned towards Mulder, her face frozen in shock.  "But... but 

Mulder, Colonel Sanders was supposed to have died decades ago!"

"HA HA HA HA HA!", bellowed the laugh again.  "You fools, don't you see?  

even after all these years, you still don't understand.  Don't you 

realize, that all those herbs and spices in my secret recipe, that was all 

just a secret experiment to preserve human bodies?  Anyone who ate my 

chicken consumed enough preservatives for their bodies to last a millennium.  

Their minds didn't fare as well, of course, but that's not important;

their bodies were mine to order around at will.  And myself, I ate enough 

of my extra crispy formula so that I'm still alive today, years after 

everyone had assumed I was dead."

"And now, now that I have gathered up my minions, I am ready for the

final stage of my plan. HA HA HA HA HA!", said the colonel.

"Boy, that laugh is really beginning to annoy me", remarked Scully.  "Me

too, Scully, me too.", replied Milder.

Mulder approached the glass barrier, and spoke up.  "But why dead rock 

stars? and what of this ultimate plan?", he asked.

"HA HA HA HA HA", the colonel laughed again, as Mulder and Scully

winced.  He continued on, "You fools! you still don't understand.  I

figured out long ago how to take over this world of yours, simply by

spreading my secret formula into the food supply.  So I began to open my

chain of restaurants, first here in Kentucky, then all over the world!

And now that helpless victims everywhere are eating my chicken, I stand

poised on the edge of victory!", he said, as he thrust his cane into the

air.

"Enough grandstanding, colonel.  Now back to the story, please?", said

Mulder.

Calming down, the colonel continued. "For the past several decades, the

people you have been burying have actually been in a state of vegetative

suspended animation, thanks to my preservatives.  But now, I am going to 

recall them out of their graves, to form my own army of darkness!  I shall 

prevail!", shouted the colonel, waving his fist in the air.

Mulder quipped to Scully, "I think the old colonel's seen a few too many

movies."

The colonel continued on.  "The sightings of dead rock stars, why, that was

just a test.  I wanted to see how well my reanimation techniques would 

work, so I ordered some rock stars out of their graves.  Elvis, for 

instance, was a big fan of my fried chicken, so I knew he'd be perfectly 

preserved."

"The reason I chose rock stars to animate first, of course, was because I

knew no one would take seriously any reports of dead rock stars walking

around.  And once my reanimation system was fully tested, I would be

ready to unleash my hordes upon the world! AH HA HA HA HA HA!"

"There he goes again", winced Mulder.

Colonel Sanders then lifted his cane and pointed it at Mulder, frowning.

"But it was YOU, Mr. Mulder, who nearly ruined my plan.  I've had my 

agents out keeping an eye on you, and you've consistently been a thorn in 

my side.  You were the only one of any importance who took the Elvis 

sighting seriously, and as a result, YOU became the last impediment to my 

plan.  But no more."

Scully moved closer to Mulder, and grabbed his arm. "Uh, Mulder, I think

I may have been wrong about you this time.  I think we had better get

out of here.", she said, with a worried look on her face.

"Forget it, kids, you're not going anywhere, boomed the colonel's

voice.  "The doors are locked, and in moments, this entire room will be

filled with hot, boiling grease.  Good bye, and happy cooking!"

With that, the colonel got up with the help of his cane, and walked out

through a door in the back of the glass compartment.  Mulder instantly

pulled out his Glock and fired off several rounds at the departing colonel,

but they merely impacted on the bulletproof glass.

Moments later, Mulder and Scully could feel the temperature rising in

the room.  And with a look of horror, Scully pointed to a hole in the 

corner, and said, "Mulder - look! it's hot boiling oil, pouring out of

that wall! we're going to be fried to death!"

Mulder looked at the pouring torrent of hot oil, and quickly looked

around the room.  He knew they had just moments before their feet would

be french fried, and he had to act fast.

Looking up near the ceiling, he saw several large air vents.  He pointed

to them and said, "Look, Scully - we can do the Eugene thing.  We have

to get up there."

"But Mulder, those vents must be at least fifteen feet off the ground!

There's no way we can get up there.", said a despondent Scully.

"Au contraire, Scully", said Mulder.  "See those paintings on the wall?

quickly, pull them down.", motioned Mulder.

"What? the paintings? but why?", asked Scully in panic.

"Just do it, Scully!", was Mulder's reply.

Mulder and Scully quickly gathered the paintings, by which time they

were hopping around on their feet to avoid the hot oil.  Mulder

took the paintings, all of considerable size, and stacked them on top of 

each other.  "Now we have to get on top of these paintings, Scully", 

he said.

"What, Mulder?", Scully asked, but before she could finish her question, 

Mulder pulled her alongside him onto the stack of painting.

Moments later, Scully found out what Mulder had intended.  The oil in

the paintings made the canvas resistant to the boiling oil, and the two

of them floated up on top the hot oil, sitting atop a stack of Monets and

Degas.

About thirty hot, scorching minutes later, they had floated up above

twelve feet of hot oil.  Mulder pointed to the vent in the wall, and

said, "Look, Scully, we should be able to reach it now."

Mulder took off his Florscheims, and used them to paddle their canvas

raft towards the wall.  They carefully maneuvered next to the vent, and

pried open the cover.  With Mulder hanging onto the edge of the opening,

Scully stepped off the Degas and into the air duct.  Mulder followed,

just as the hot oil began to seep through to the top layer of the raft.

And as they peered back into the room that had very nearly been their 

deathtrap, they caught sight of their raft, slowly sinking into the

grease.

"Whew", said Mulder, as he and Scully looked at each other in relief.

They began to proceed through the air ducts, trying to find a way out.  A

moment later, they heard a conversation, a voice apparently speaking to a 

crowd.  They maneuvered their way through the ducts towards the source of 

the sounds.  

They came to an air vent covered by a grille, through which they could 

make out someone at a podium.  Peering closer, they could see that it was

colonel Sanders himself, giving a speech in a very large hall to thousands

of his minions.  Off in the audience, they could see the likes of Elvis, 

John Belushi, Liberace, as well as countless other pale-faced celebrities.  

Mulder and Scully paused to hear what the colonel was saying.

"... and you shall be my lieutenants in this new movement, my new world

order, founded upon the principles of strength, courage, and eleven

herbs and spices.  The populace shall accept me as their one true god,

rejecting all other gods.  I shall bring salvation to the true

believers, while the infidels shall be struck down by my undead minions..."

"Oh my god - colonel Sanders is the Antichrist!", whispered Scully.

"Shhhh!", countered Mulder.

The colonel continued.  "... We shall begin by raiding Fort Benning, 

Georgia, and grabbing their weapons.  We shall then march upon the city

of Atlanta, and take over the infidel Ted Turner's communications

empire.  I will then use his broadcasting facilities to declare my power 

to the people, and order them to follow my teachings."

"This guy is truly nuts, Mulder", whispered Scully.  "Yeah, and how's he

going to reach the people who don't have cable?", wondered Mulder.

Scully rolled her eyes, and said, "In any case, Mulder, we have to stop

this.  We can't let colonel Sanders and his thugs escape this compound.

I'm going to call headquarters.", she said, as she reached for her 

cellular phone.

But just then, colonel Sanders finished his speech and shouted, "May

victory be with us!  Let us march onwards!".  The crowd then got up and

started flowing out, yelling cheers and gesturing victory signs.

"Scully, it's too late; we're going to have to take care of this

ourselves", said Mulder.  "But how, Mulder?", asked Scully.  "There are 

thousands of them.  We can't take them all on ourselves"

"We don't need to, Scully - remember, they're all under the control of

colonel Sanders.  If we eliminate him, we neutralize the threat."

"Good idea, Mulder - but how do we get to him?  I'm sure he's well

protected.", asked Scully.

"Don't worry, Scully - leave it to me, said Mulder, grinning.

The two of them made their way through the ducts, and eventually found

themselves in the kitchen.  Fortunately, it was vacant, and they walked 

over to the windows overlooking the back yard.  Through the window, they 

could see people and equipment being loaded onto trucks.  And off in the 

distance, they could see colonel Sanders being escorted towards a waiting 

private jet.

"We have to act now, Mulder, before it's too late!", shouted Scully.

"Uh, let me think..", said Mulder, scratching his chin.  Then a light

came on in his head.  He opened the window and leaned out, and yelled 

towards the crowd.  "Hey, all of you! colonel Sanders is a loser!  He uses 

MSG in his recipes!"

The crown turned towards Mulder, gasping.  A collective hush fell over

them as they slowly turned back towards the colonel with accusing eyes.

Colonel Sanders, shocked by the response, turned towards his minions and 

shouted, "No! don't believe him! he is an infidel!  He spreads lies to 

destroy your faith!"

Mulder pulled his head back inside the kitchen, and motioned to Scully, 

whispering, "Scully, quick! get me a piece of paper!"  

Scully looked around the kitchen, and saw a shopping list.  She grabbed

it and handed it to Mulder.

Mulder then leaned back out the window, and waved the piece of paper in

the air.  He shouted to the crowd, "You see this? I have the truth

here in my hands!  This is the colonel's so-called secret recipe!  Do you 

know what it contains?  What the so-called eleven herbs and spices are?"

The crowd stood, transfixed, awaiting Mulder's every word.

Mulder continued on, "It's all a hoax, everyone! there ARE no eleven

herbs and spices!  Here's the colonel's secret formula - SALT, MSG, and

GREASE! that's it! And it's not even vegetable oil, either; it's animal 

fat!  You've been misled all these years, just as he's misleading you now!  

Don't stand for this like a bunch of brain-dead zombies!"

Oops, thought Mulder; brain-dead zombies was exactly what they were.  But 

it didn't seem to matter; his gamble worked, and the minions were now

clearly furious with their leader.  They began to turn on him, yelling, 

"You fake! You deceiver!".  Even Elvis spoke out from the crowd - "You, 

colonel! all this time, we thought we were eating good old southern fried 

chicken, and we were actually eating CRAP!"

As the angry crowd began to descend on the colonel, he cowered in fear.  

He tried placating them, saying "No, no, - it's not true; there really 

were eleven herbs and spices - well, okay, I may have double-counted some 

of them, but, but..."

No sooner had he finished saying those words, than the crowd grabbed him,

and began shouting "Kill him! burn him! No, fry him!".

Mulder conveniently shouted from the window, "Hey, guys, there's a big

room full of hot boiling oil downstairs!"

The crowd, hearing this, roared with glee.  Carrying the colonel's 

flailing body, the wave of zombies proceeded downstairs.  Mulder turned to 

Scully and said, "I don't think this is going to be pretty.  Let's get 

out of here."

Scully smiled at Mulder, and said, "good idea, Mulder.  I have a

hankerin' for some good old southern fried chicken."

THE END.

---

Steven han, shan@nyx.cs.du.edu