Kibology

From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)

Subject: alt.religion.kibology FAQ -- Ninth Edition

Message-ID: <BzDtxI.G6A@world.std.com>

Organization: Two rooms filled with typography, in downtown Boston

Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 02:36:53 GMT

Lines: 453

ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ--NINTH EDITION (12/16/92)

===================================================

EXCERPTED FROM THE "ASK KIBO" BOOKS COWRITTEN WITH JAN-CECIL

BRUNVADAMS, RON GOULART, MICHAEL TOBIAS, AND EDWARD D. WOOD JR.

Answers to these Frequently Asked Questions have been verified by

Encyclopedia Britannica. They have not, however, been verified to be

_correct_.

Please send corrections to kibo@world.std.com. Questions will be

answered if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope.

"WHAT DOES KIBO LOOK LIKE?"

Six two (-ish), skinny, dark brown hair (medium-length), Abe Lincoln

beard, glasses. Exactly the same fleshtone as Michael Jackson's TV

Guide cover photo.

"WHAT DOES KIBO SOUND LIKE?"

Mostly like Mr. Rogers. For a truly accurate image, imagine 40% Mr.

Rogers, 35% Michael Dukakis, and 25% Don Adams. (Actually, Kibo was

required to take voice training classes in college--they wanted him to

talk like Adam West. One of his instructors also worked on Dukakis.

This technique is obviously completely useless.)

"CAN KIBO DO ANY IMPRESSIONS?"

A few, but they're very bad so he won't do them for you. However,

people occasionally accuse him of doing a Mr. Rogers one, which he can

only do when he's _not_ trying to.

"HAS KIBO BEEN IN HARVEY PEKAR'S COMIC BOOK `AMERICAN SPLENDOR'?"

Of course not. Don't be silly. However, it's rumored that he is

partially obscuring Waldo in "Where's Waldo?"

"WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BOZOLOGY?"

Bozosity abounds!

"AND IS THIS RELATED TO KIBO'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF STUFF

[G.U.T.S.]? WHAT IS HIS G.U.T.S., ANYWAY?"

Everything abounds!

"OH."

"HOW DO YOU TELL IF SOMEONE'S A BOZO?"

Ask them. If they say yes, they're a good bozo. If they say no,

they're a bad bozo. If they refuse or evade, they're the very worst

kind, and will be first against the wall when the revolution comes!

"WHO CREATED KIBOLOGY?"

The idea came from either Mark&Jason Dominus or Todd McComb, but they

don't remember which one of them it was. Neither does Kibo. He blames

them both equally.

"WHO'S VISITED KIBO'S APARTMENT?"

Mark&Jason Dominus, Sean "Xibo" Coates, Harry Mandel, John Corr, Meg

Bertoni, Kibo's parents, Tom, Tom, and Tom, Jim Kasprzak, Scott "~ibo"

Ramming, Noah Friedman, Mark Hill, but certainly not Patrick L. Obo.

"WHO IS PATRICK L. OBO?"

Remember the recent _Star_ tabloid cover story, "CRAZED FAN STALKS

SUZANNE SOMERS"?

"WHAT'S KIBO'S PURITY TEST SCORE?"

He forgot. Wasn't spectacularly high or low. He denies Bush's

accusation that there was A Pattern.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S IQ?"

He hasn't had any such tests lately. However, he has been scored as

surprisingly normal on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory

(MMPI). A certain minor religion's "Free Personality Test" claims

he'll go insane soon. [Afterword: Kibo still hasn't bought a copy of

"Dianetics", so he is obviously insane now.]

"HOW DID KIBO ACQUIRE THIS MUCH POWER?"

He invented the smilie.

"THEN WHY DOES KIBO REFUSE TO USE ANY :-)S IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"

He doesn't want to show off his skills. He can type the three parts in

under a tenth of a second, blindfolded.

"WHAT DID KIBO BUY AT THE MARKET RECENTLY?"

(From Kibo's three most recent grocery receipts from daily shopping

trips)

DR PEPPER (4) Eight liters, three days.

ARRID-REGULA Time for a new can of deodorant.

PLAST FORKS All the plastic cutlery got used up

FORKS simultaneously. Same goes for paper

CUTLERY plates, see below.

MAPLE LINKS Wrong. Brown'N'Serve BACON flavor.

STOVETOP STF Turkey flavor, the best.

V8 COCKTAIL (3) Does that make one V24? Twelve V2s?

GROCRY I have no idea what this was, now.

SUP 12Z BOWL Paper bowls/plates.

DIX 9IN PLTE

CERTS (3) Pocket cache of mints was low.

PEPPERONI The most perfect snack meat.

HERSHEY DRIN Chocolate artificial milk.

LCHOY MS EGG (2) I know LaChoy egg rolls are crummy, but

I like them anyway. I don't know why.

CHEEZ IT Not for me, for a visitor. I do not

eat cheese, and certainly not "cheez".

SR CRM MNCHM Um... don't recall.

BBQ RIPPLINS Keeblerized potato chip substitute.

MEAT A lot of breaded chicken fillets.

PRINGLE RIP (2) Rippled pringles.

HOOD CALMILK Calcium-enriched, lactose-reduced milk,

for cooking (not drinking)

BOSCO The only non-artificially-flavored

chocolate syrup available here.

"DOES KIBO PERFORM STANDUP COMEDY?"

Not any more. Too scary and not profitable.

"IF KIBO EVER GOES BALD, WILL HE STAY BALD OR WILL HE JOIN THE HAIR

CLUB FOR MEN?"

I wouldn't dream of being a Hair Club for Men client unless I can also

be the president.

"WILL KIBO EVER CORRECT THIB TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR?"

Where?

"WHY DO I WRITE ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON IN SOME PLACES IN THIS

FAQ LIST?"

Because it would look like I had a big ego if I kept saying "I".

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE BEATLE?"

Paul.

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MONKEE?"

Mike, or maybe Peter. However, this answer would be completely

different if Charles Manson hadn't done so badly in his audition for

them. (Little-known fact.)

"HAS KIBO EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN MOVIE?"

Yes, _Bedtime for Bonzo_, twice. Also, night before last, actually

threw up while reading a synopsis of _Hellcats of the Navy_. However,

this answer would have been completely different if Ingrid Bergman's

availability hadn't prompted the studio to replace Reagan with Bogie in

_Casablanca_. (Little-known fact.)

"WHERE HAS KIBO BEEN?"

The northeastern quadrant of the United States. And Cleveland. When

he can afford it, he'll go everywhere else. Especially the Moon.

"KIBO SAID `SIL!'. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

If you have to ask, you'll never know. Sil!

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE COLOR?"

Pantone Reflex Blue(tm). But only on coated paper. Fuzzy-paper

aficionados or video weenies don't know what they're missing.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAS KIBO SEEN `GONE WITH THE WIND'?"

None.

"HAS KIBO READ THE SEQUEL?"

He read the synopsis in _Life_ magazine and nearly broke his rib cage

laughing.

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH OR DUKAKIS IN '88?"

No. Ron Paul (Libertarian party).

"WHY?"

He had the least-groomed fuzzy eyebrows and thus looked the most

honest.

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH, CLINTON, OR PEROT IN '92?"

Yes. Perot. He did it just because he wanted to enjoy the chaos it

could cause.

"WHAT DOES KIBO THINK OF TELEVISION?"

TV is evil must be destroyed. A good way to do this is to watch your

set until it burns out.

"WHAT ONE WORD WOULD KIBO USE TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF?"

"Kibo."

"WHAT'S KIBO'S SHOE SIZE?"

11-1/2, wide. The boots he's been wearing lately are 30, which is

measured in centimeters because the boots were made by Communists.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S HAT SIZE?"

Large.

"WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES KIBO DRIVE?"

Living in central Boston, it's much cheaper not to have one, and

perfectly easy to get everywhere on foot or by public transportation or

taxi.

"DOES KIBO EXPECT `STAR TREK VI' TO BE ANY GOOD?"

Possibly. It'll be better than V, obviously, but I doubt it'll be the

best of the bunch.

"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH SULU?"

About ten percent of the profits, or something. After Star Trek XII,

Paramount will pay to have his wart removed.

"AND WHAT ABOUT `DEEP SPACE NINE'?"

Will you screaming nerdo zonkers shut up about Star Trek already? I

keep telling you, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GENE RODDENBERRY'S DEATH.

End of discussion.

"WELL, NOW THAT IT'S A YEAR LATER, DO YOU EXPECT `STAR TREK VII' TO BE

ANY GOOD?"

Possibly... and monkeys might fly out of Shatner's hair!

"DID BURT REYNOLDS REALLY DO THE VOICEOVERS FOR TROY'S CHARACTER ON THE

SERIES `OUT OF THIS WORLD'?"

Sorry, that's irrelevant to alt.religion.kibology. Try rec.arts.tv.

"IF KIBO WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD HE BE?"

Yggdrasil.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?"

Four to five in the morning, whether he's awake or not.

"DOES KIBO HAVE ANY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS?"

No, he avoids sports religiously.

"WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE TALKED ABOUT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"

Exactly one-half of the entire universe, including a rather large chunk

of the creamy center of the Milky Way.

"IS IT TRUE THAT KIBO WOULD WITHER AND DIE WITHOUT HIS TV SET?"

No. You're thinking of Kibo's Usenet feed.

"DOES KIBO HAVE AN S.O.?"

I don't consider myself to have one, but she called herself my SO once.

Does that qualify? I think I lost her phone number.

"HOW LONG HAS KIBO BEEN ON USENET?"

Since about '87. He's had E-mail access since '85.

"WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE NET HAS ENCOUNTERED KIBO?"

Unknown, but probably a large fraction. Of course, Kibo has

encountered most of the net, since he reads a few zillion groups.

Well, actually, his minions do it for him.

"WHO ARE KIBO'S NET.COHORTS?"

Too many to list. Next!

"HOW DOES KIBOLOGY COMPARE?"

Kibology is better.

"BETTER THAN SCIENTOLOGY?"

Anything is!

"DID KIBO SAY, `EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON

BILLBOARDS'?"

No.

"DID KIBO SAY, `DID KIBO SAY, "EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED,

AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS"?'?"

Yes.

"IS KIBO FOR REAL?"

He's more real than Doogie Howser. Not as real as Al Sharpton. But

then, you don't want him to be.

"HOW'D YOU GET THAT NAME?"

It was an accident involving a dictionary, a contraction, some

computers, and reverse hypnosis! Run for your lives!

"WHAT DOES KIBO MEAN, ANYWAY?"

What he says.

"NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES THE _NAME_ `KIBO' MEAN?"

It means that the person who has that name is named "Kibo".

"HOW IS IT PRONOUNCED?"

There are three ways. The most common is "Keebo". The second most

common has the `short i' sound as in the word "bit". The least common

has the `long i' as in "eye". Needless to say, Kibo says it the weird

long-i way.

"WHAT'S `HELVETICA'?"

Kind of like the antichrist, only without the horns.

"IS KIBO RELATED TO XIBO?"

No.

"WHAT'S A XIBO?"

A bad bozo, who isn't allowed.

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT XIBO?"

I could if I wanted to. See, I'm allowed to. Xibo isn't allowed. As

the saying goes, "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo,

Spot, Sandro Wallach, Noah Friedman (after midnight), or especially

Patrick L. Obo."

"WHO'S XIBO?"

A very bad bozo, who still isn't allowed, no matter how much he whines

about it.

"WHERE'S XIBO?"

Sittin' in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere .plans for nobody.

"WHY IS XIBO SO FAR AWAY FROM KIBO?"

Because they're on opposite sides of the real world.

"WHO IS SPOT?"

He's just a dog.

"WHY IS SPOT NOT ALLOWED?"

He's _just_ a _dog_!

"DID SPOT DO SOMETHING BAD?"

No, he's never been allowed to do anything.

"WHY DOES KIBO MAKE SO MANY TYPOS? CAN'T HE PROOFREAD?"

William Shakespeare spelled his own name four different ways, too. And

Einstein wore mismatched socks. So Kibo's allowed too.

"WHO IS HARRY?"

Slightly above Spot's level.

"IS HE ALLOWED?"

No.

"WHY IS KIBO'S .SIGNATURE SO LONG?"

Because it contains an actual-size map of the entire Universe.

"KIBO, DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU'RE COSTING THE NET HUNDREDS IF NOT

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BY POSTING THAT .SIGNATURE?"

Those are just 1983 dollars.

"DON'T YOU CARE?"

Of course I care. Just not very much.

"YOU SHOULD PUT THIS IN YOUR .SIGNATURE."

Maybe.

"IS KIBO ON WOODY'S SIDE OR MIA'S?"

Woody's. Mia's turned evil!

"WHY IS THE APARTMENT DOWN THE HALL ALWAYS WATCHING THE SAME TV CHANNEL

KIBO'S WATCHING?"

Conspiracy. I can't elaborate further.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF KIBO'S FAVORITE TYPEFACES?"

Icone, Goudy Oldstyle (only in metal, though), Information Extended

Black, Journal, Eusebius, Tempo Medium Italic, Stellar, Ludlow

Garamond, Adobe Garamond, Michaelangelo, the original Baskerville, and

Jenson's original 1470 type.

"AND LEAST FAVORITE?"

Biffo Script, Huit Light, Braggadocio, ITC Fat Face, Helvetica Medium,

and Chicago.

"WHAT IS `E!'?"

24 hours of TV commercials every day. It's the channel devoted to

telling you how great all the other channels are! And the big "E!" in

the corner of the screen _never_ goes away. Watch "E!" in your

hot-tub! While bungee-jumping! Get the latest on Roseanne's new

tattoo! Watch the editing process of "Look Who's Talking 3"!

Scrutinize trends in game-show-host teeth!

"WHO IS BIFF?"

BIFF IZ A REELY K00L D00D !!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE P0STS 2 THE NET FR0M HIZ

BIG BROTHERS C-64 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 BIFF IS AWESUM

..........,,,,

"SAY, KIBO, ARE YOU RELATED TO BIFF?"

N0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"IS BIFF A KIBOLOGIST?"

Everyone's a Kibologist... whether they know it or not!

"KIBO, CAN YOU POST A .GIF OF YOURSELF?"

Yes. But not right now. I've been meaning to when I have time to

finish airbrushing my glossies.

"HOW DO YOU SING THE QUOTATION MARKS IN `"KIBO"'?"

First you hold up your right hand and make the international

double-quote gesture with a quick downward arc of the index and middle

fingers (do not do this backwards in most parts of the world.) Then,

after "Kibo," do the same with your left hand. Other "quoted" words

may "also" be "pronounced" in this "`way'".

"WHY IS KIBO SO COOL?"

He's not telling, because then you'd all remake yourselves in his

image, and he'd just be average! Did you know that NEARLY HALF THE

PEOPLE IN THE WORLD are BELOW AVERAGE? Shocking but VERIFIED BY

ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA!

"AS YOU MIGHT KNOW, KIBO LIVES IN BOSTON. WHY?"

Proximity to the MIT nuclear reactor, Necco factory, Tea Party ship,

and that glass building that drops windows on people. Oh, yeah, and

it's also the Hub of the Universe. But Kibo is the axle.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY QUOTED KIBO QUOTES?"

The widest I've ever seen Kibo quoted is:

` ` K i b o ' '

...but in some extended fonts it could be a bit wider.

"WHY DID ISTANBUL GET THE WORKS?"

Actually, they just got some business cards. I had to put Turkish

accent marks on ITC Souvenir Light; you haven't lived until you've seen

a Souvenir `g' with the little doohickey floating over it.

"IS ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ARCHIVED ANYWHERE?"

Yes. FTP to world.std.com, look in /pub/alt.religion.kibology. Find

about 5000 articles to play with. Read them all. Then see a doctor.

I recommend Dr. Theguywhocanrepairyourheadafteritexplodes... he's

really nice.

"HAS PHILIP K. DICK APPROVED OF THIS?"

To quote from the first chapter of PKD's _Gather Yourselves Together_

(1952), "He put his suitcase down and made certain that his wallet was

buttoned into his pocket in such a way that it could not possibly fall

out."

Unlike PKD's characters, Kibo forgets to do stuff like this, and so

occasionally his pocket falls out.

"WHAT DOES `OBIK' MEAN?"

Obik a special aerosol spray that makes things resistant to further use

of Obik. Contains no harmful radioactive plutonium!

"WHAT DOES `XVOB' MEAN?"

It's in code. Ssh. It's a _secret_.

"WHAT FLAVORS DO NEW CRUNCHY KibOs COME IN?"

Regular, ham'n'egg, honey-lutefisk, cheez'n'whiz, nearly-kosher tofu,

and dog.

"WHY DID MY LEFT SIDEBURN FALL OUT?"

That happened to William Shatner once, in the episode where the

Transporter created an evil twin--hey, wait, I told you: STOP ASKING ME

STAR TREK QUESTIONS! Shatner only got the Kirk role on Star Trek

because he was married to Majel Barrett Roddenberry, anyway.

"WHY DO EXPLODING HEADS SHOW UP SO MUCH IN BAD MOVIES AND TV?"

Because they're sheer comedy! A laugh a minute! *boom* Hey, look,

honey, that guy's head just exploded FOR NO REASON! It's almost as

funny as a midget. Hey, look, honey, he's STILL short! You'll laugh

for HOURS! Coming soon to Fox.

"IF MOST PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-HANDED, WHY ARE ALL NEUTRINOS LEFT-HANDED?"

It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them.

"WILL I EVER GET A LIFE?"

I suggest you check alt.religion.kibology for the answer, every hour.

On the hour. Don't forget to keep us posted, too.

"HAVE I YET ACCUMULATED A LETHAL DOSE?"

Perhaps just a lethal doze.

"WHY AM I ASKING THIS?"

Who do I look like--Criswell? Actually, my hairdo is stranger than

his. But then again, he went bald later. And I didn't.

From: stev0@smurf.sti.com (Steve Berlin)

Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology

Subject: Who's Who in the World of Kibo

Date: 27 Nov 1992 13:16:50 -0800

Message-ID: <1f6382INNjrq@smurf.sti.com>

Organization: Software Transformation, Inc.

Lines: 444

There are many, many people mentioned in Kibo's famous .signature

file. To help you folks get the "in" jokes and cultural references,

I humbly present this encyclopedia I created (with a LOT of help

from Kibo, especially with spelling) to know Who's Who in Kibo's .sig.

(note: the numbers by the names indicate where that person is

mentioned, as of Kibo's .sig of 11/11/92)

=======================BEGIN OVER HERE===============================

"Bob" (185-212)

AKA J. R. "Bob" Dobbs. Hi Ruler of the Subgenii, very good friend of

Kibo's, Giver of Slack(tm), smoker of 'frop. Widely regarded as

evil, but in a good way. "Bob" is a registered trademark of the

Church of the SubGenius.

Allen, Byron (737)

The Black Pat Sajack. Friend of Kibo's.

BIFF (100)

BR0THER HAS C-64 WITH L0TS 0F AWESUM WAREZ!!!1!11! WUZ A FRIEND

0F KIB0;S, BUT N0W ISNT'!!!!11!!!!1

Barbour, John (738)

Someone who is less funny than Byron Allen, but a friend of Kibo's,

anyway.

Barrett, Majel (522)

Wife of famous Trekkie, good friend of Kibos'.

Barry, Dave (432)

He is - and I am not making this up - a famous syndicated columnist.

Friend of Kibos' (sic).

Batman (145, 495, 977)

He's Batman! Good friend of Kibo's. Secret Identity: Bruce Wayne

(also a good friend of Kibo's).

Berlin, Steve (874)

Professor of Kibology at Miskatonic U. Friend of Kibo's.

Bozo (68, 72, 83, 107, 142, 482, 524, 660, 661-685,)

No ordinary clown. The World's Most Famous Clown. Very, very good friend of

Kibo's. Registered Trademark of Larry Harmon Productions, Inc.

Briggs, Bertha (174)

Lottery winner, lucky dog owner, friend of Kibo's.

Brissete, Tiffany (644)

A robot? A little girl? A friend of Kibo's? YOU decide!

Brockman, Amy S. (654)

Social Commentator, friend of Kibo's.

Brokaw, Tom (342)

Serious journalist, friend of Kibo's.

Brown, Charlie (92)

The quintessential loser, but friend of Kibo's nonetheless.

Bundy, Al (196, 345)

A man. A REAL Man. A Real Man's man. A Real friend of Kibo's.

Bundy, Peg (196)

A Woman. A REAL Woman. A Real Man's Woman. Another friend of Kibo's.

Bundy, Ted (195)

A Psycho. A REAL Psycho. A Real Psycho's Psycho. An enemy of Kibo's.

Once tried to kill Kibo with a meat cleaver, tried to kill Eddie Haskell

with a beaver cleaver.

Burroughs, William S. (540)

A Postmodern didactic spokesman for the angst-ridden society of our

planet. May be a friend of Kibo's, nobody's admitting anything.

Rumored to have a talking asshole (which is not Kibo).

Bush, George (699)

Not a friend of Kibo's, or anyone else who is not a white male

president of a multi-national global-polluting corporation.

Carson, Johnny (737)

Ex Talk show host, or, as they say in England, ex Chat show host.

Friend of Kibo, and everyone else for that matter.

Cher (361)

The tatooed lady. "Friend" of Kibo's.

Coates, Sean E. (369)

E! Poster child, good friend of Kibo's.

Dali' (658)

AKA Salvador Dali', most famous for a painting he did of a melted version

of Kibo's .sig.

Danson, Ted (335)

Plays the bartender at the most Evil Bar in America. While he himself

is not a friend of Kibo's, his hairpiece is.

Dennehy, Brian (367)

Friend of Kibo's.

Derrida (89)

Writer, friend of Kibo's.

Dick, Philip K. (87)

Dreamer of Electric Sheep, inspiration for the movie "The Trouble

with Dick". The "K" stands for "Kibo".

Dominus, Jason (27, 865)

One of the original contributors of Kibo's .sig, along with his brother,

Mark. Now part of law firm, Mark, Jason, & Dominus.

Dominus, Mark (27, 865)

See Dominus, Jason.

Douglas, Mike (205)

Ex-talk show host, Star of "Basic Instict". Friend of Kibo's.

Dukakis, Michael S. (807)

Not a friend of Kibo's, doesn't even KNOW Kibo, even though Kibo once saw

him in the Public Garden once. John Kerry once said hello to Kibo, but

he (John Kerry) looks like Jay Leno.

Elliot, Chris (344)

The funniest person on American Television. Very good friend of Kibo's.

Elvis (148)

See the Encyclopedia Kibanitica (or the Alt.religion.kibology FAQ) about this

one. Considers Kibo to be his best friend.

Goldenstern, Michael Jackson (424)

No relation to Michael Jackson the singer. Michael Jackson the singer

is a friend of Kibo's.

Graber, Harry

11-Year old who is dying of a fatal disease. Want to break the world

record for most copies of Kibo's .signature file.

Grishman (434)

Computer programmer, friend of Kibo's.

Hall, Arsenio (737)

Another talk show host, another friend of Kibo's.

Herman, Pee-wee (119, 129, 135, 347)

Ex-host of Pee-wee's Playhouse. His favorite team is the Expos.

He didn't hire a lawyer because he thought he could get himself off.

Probably a friend of Kibo's, but Kibo may deny this.

Hersey, Dana (349, 699)

Host of The Movie Loft and the real star of "Ask the Manager".

Friend of Kibo's. AKA Willie Whistle, the world's least favorite

clown. See them on WSBK-38 on cable throughout much of America.

Also on "Ask the Manager". WSBK, the ALL-THREE STOOGES/HOGAN'S

HEROES CHANNEL!

Hubbard, L. Ron (216, 696)

Inventor of the E-Meter, creator the 200-point personality test.

Kibo passed in flying colors.

Jittlov, Mike (621)

Writer, director, animator, songwriter, singer, inventor, bicycle

rider, and good friend of Kibo's.

Jones, Chuck (421)

Creator of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd, and Kibo.

Kafka (110)

Part cockroach, part .sig. The cockroach half is a friend of Kibo's.

Keillor, Garrison (131)

Radio personality. Not ashamed to be from Minnesota, not ashamed

to admit Kibo is his friend.

Kibo

See Parry, James.

King, Stephen (89)

Horror book writer. Most famous for "The Shining", a book in which

Jack Nicholson is trapped in a hotel with a 50 ft. .sig file.

La Rouchefoucauld (416)

No relationship to Lyndon LaRouche. Would be a friend of Kibo's,

but he's dead. Still is very quotable.

LaRouche, Lyndon (698)

A wacko. Thinks he is a friend of Kibo's, but he's not. We would say he's

a DANGEROUS wacko, but he would kill us if we did.

Laura (199)

The object of many a necrophiliac's wet dreams. Ex girlfriend of Kibo.

Lee, Pinky (211)

The inspiration for Pee-wee Herman. Aquaintance of Kibo's.

Log Lady (192-208)

Another wacko. She rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs...

Lynch, David (184-212)

Pretentious director. Most famous for directing "Dune", the dullest

Science Fiction Film of all time. Friend of Kibo's.

Mathew (27)

Co-designer of Kibo's Signature. Kibo forgot his last name (but can

you blame Kibo? He has too many friends!)

Miro' (658)

Painter; painted first known abstract portrait of Kibo'.

Newell, Gordon (417)

Very difficult professor. Not a good friend of Kibo's.

Nixon (215)

AKA Richard Nixon, first President of the United States to resign in

shame. A friend of Kibo's.

Ollie (114)

AKA Oliver North, after admitting to lying to Congress, ignoring the

Constitution, supplying guns to Iranian terrorists and South American

drug dealers, became American Folk Hero. Business Partner of Kibo's.

Oneel, Qnir (623-635)

"Dave Barry" in rot13

Orwell (110)

AKA George Orwell, writer of "1984", a bleak dystopian novel were

ultrafascist government makes people have no more than four lines in

their .sig files. Friend of you-know-who.

Osterbrock, Carol (964)

Net Personality, friend of Kibo's.

Parry, James "Kibo" (63-66, 70, 94-95, 112, 114, 159-160, 169, 351, 654,

731-733, 769, 854, 875, 965)

Typeface designer, Internet personality, and sex symbol for the 70's,

80's, and 90's; fighter for truth, justice, and the American Way.

Millions of people can faithfully say they have no other friend.

Pfeiffer, Michelle (368)

Winner of Oscar(tm) for Best Supporting Actress in Grease II. Friend

of Kibo's. Was also in some film with Danny DeVito and Pee-wee Herman.

Pollock (658)

AKA Jackson Pollock, original "splatter" painter. Used to have longest

.Sig until Kibo came along.

Python, Monty (148, 194)

The most quoted source in people's .sigs, with maybe the possible

exception of Douglas Adams. Mr. Python is a very good friend of Kibo's.

Quayle, Dan (107, 116, 329)

Frend of Kiboe's.

RMS (974)

AKA Richard M. Stallman, "The Last Hacker". Thinks all software

should be free, along with everything else. I want him to talk to my

landlord. Very good friend of Kibo's.

Ren (893)

A full-blooded Astmatic Chihuahua. Friend of Stimpy & Kibo

Rockwell (659)

AKA Norman Rockwell, painter of Americana. Painted first known

portrait of Kibo.

Roddenberry, Gene (799)

Creator of Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Star Trek:

The .Sig file. Very good friend of Kibo's. Kibo's belt buckle says so.

Safire, William (220)

Syndicated columnist, ex-Nixon speechwriter, is less pedantic than Kibo,

this is a comma splice.

Sagan, Carl (68)

Astronomer and one of Kibo's billions and billions of friends.

Sajak, Pat (737)

Host of "Wheel of Fortune", and is generally considered to be the

greatest Talk Show Host of all time. Has a perfectly spherical head,

but polyhedral hair. F__e_d _f __b_'s.

Salieri (660)

Composer, murderer of Johann Amadeus Kibo, who is the writer of the

immortal opera, "The Magic .Sig".

Schwarzenegger, Arnold (486-498)

Terminator, Predator, Barbarian, Cop. Very, very good friend of

Kibo's.

Scott, Williard (142)

America's favorite buffoon. Friend of Kibo's, even though Kibo

has no respect for him.

Scotty (133)

Engineer of NCC-1701, aka the Starship Enterprise. Regularly

changes the laws of physics. Friend of Kibo's great great

granddaughter, Uhura Kibo.

Shatner, William (336, 522-525)

The best writer, the best director, the best singer, and certainly

the best actor of all time. Friend of Kibo's. His hairpiece is a

friend of Ted Danson's hairpiece.

Simpson, Bart (91, 199, 253-261)

Icon, in all senses of the word. While he is not a friend of Kibo's,

per se, his friends, Akbar and Jeff, are.

Sontag, Susan (329)

Bride of Frankenstein, ex-wife of Kibo.

Spot (48-56, 357)

he's JUST A DOG!

Stephenson, Skip (738)

Someone who is about as funny as John Barbour. Tragically died in 1992,

got the shortest possible UPI obituary. A prime example of the Least

Possible Celebrity.

Stimpy (893)

AKA Stimpson J. Cat, friend of Ren, Kibo, and Muddy Mudskipper

Tanguy (658)

Painted first nude portrait of Kibo.

Villachaise, Herve (212)

AKA "Tattoo" on the hit TV show "Small Wonder". Friend of Kibo

Voltaire (422)

French philosopher, writer, statesman, and too dead to be Kibo's

friend.

Vonnegut, Kurt (85)

AKA Kilgore Trout. Most famous books: "Breakfast of Kibo", "Welcome

to the Kibo House", "Sirens of Kibo", and so on.

Warhol, Andy (477, 658)

Predicted that everyone would be mentioned in Kibo's .signature for

15 minutes.

Whistle, Willie

See Hersey, Dana

Wright, Steven (354)

Stand up comedian, friend of Kibo's. Shared a dorm room until Kibo got

nervous.

Xibo (66, 536)

A bitter enemy of Kibo's. Rumored to be a failed AI project, unlike

Kibo.

Steve Berlin . +I * .o o.* ` `B +. |"I just know that something

stev0@sti.com ' K * . ' ' |\^/| `. * .O * |good is gonna happen!"

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