The CV macros

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From: neil@ist.co.uk (Neil Todd)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Subject: "The CV macros"

Keywords: computer, smirk

Message-ID: <128676@looking.on.ca>

Date: 8 Apr 90 23:30:10 GMT

Sender: funnyr@looking.on.ca

Organization: The Happyville Home for the Cheerfully Insane (GiD Ltd)

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 Introducing a new "portable" macro package for troff-like processors

  ===================================================================

Andy Greener (andy@gid.co.uk)

Neil Todd    (neil@gid.co.uk)

GiD Ltd

Upper Basildon

Reading

Berks

UK

Tired of messing around with your CV, trying to get it  just

right?

Naked troff getting you down?

Need to change it at short notice to fit the Job Ad?

Yes??

Well, in that case you need THE CV MACROS!!

A simple-to-use Troff macro package that takes care  of  all

those  messy  formatting  problems  and gives you some added

features:

+    Optional invisible typeface (use .I) that utilises  the

     little known feature of most Laser printers that allows

     the  selection  of  a  "white"  toner  cartridge.  This

     specially  formulated  toner is completely invisible on

     white paper,  so  should  your  manager  see  it  being

     printed  he'll think you've just screwed up again.  But

     get it home, pop it in the oven at regulo 6 for 15 mins

     and  hey  presto! the toner turns black. You never have

     to be furtive in the print room again.

+    A hype typeface (.HY) that selects a special toner that

     absorbs  24  in  every  25  photons  that  strike  it -

     resulting in a typeface that  flashes  twice  a  second

     under  normal 50Hz lighting. A slightly increased flash

     rate is automatically selected when applying for  North

     American  jobs  (to  match  the increased tempo of life

     there).

     CV HEALTH WARNING: Due to the energy  absorbing  nature

     of  this  typeface, prolonged exposure to bright lights

     may seriously damage your job prospects.

+    A little "white lie" macro  (.WL)  sets  the  following

     text in a radioactive typeface that has a half-life (in

     days) selectable via an argument. As the  toner  decays

     the text becomes rapidly unreadable.

                     February 19, 1990

                           - 2 -

+    A "photocopy glitch"  macro  (.PG)  is  available  that

     causes  the  typeface  to be altered by a random dither

     algorithm applied to the laser beam drive logic. Useful

     for those embarrasing A level or degree results.

+    The "salary"  macro  (.SL)  is  available  to  generate

     suitable  "current salary" and "required salary" lines.

     This is a complicated macro, but illustrates  a  number

     of  the  lesser  known  troff features, including ".ra"

     (the random number generator). This macro also takes an

     optional  numerical  argument,  a weekly auto-increment

     for the required  salary.   This  saves  the  interview

     weary  job-hunter from editing the cv merely to ask for

     more money.

The features of this package are open to  one  and  all.  So

long  as you can use troff or similar you've got it made. To

avoid excessive use of these novel features (these typefaces

are  expensive  you know!) troff will only function with the

-mcv macros if the input file name is $HOME/cv.

Oh, and one last thing, remember to de-crypt it first!

                     February 19, 1990

--

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