Nintendo Cereal System

 From ewhac@well.UUCP Wed Jun 14 05:30:04 1989

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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request

From: ewhac@well.UUCP (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny

Subject: Let's see if this surprises you.

Keywords: true, chuckle

Message-ID: <3511@looking.on.ca>

Date: 14 Jun 89 10:30:04 GMT

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Truth is stranger than fiction.

I'm in the local supermarket, in the breakfast cereal aisle, minding

my own business, when I spot the latest offering from Ralston Purina

breakfast cereal division.  My jaw drops.  I suppose I should have expected

such a thing to happen sooner or later, but I'm still incredulous.  I stare

at the title of the box (I swear I am not making this up):

"Nintendo Cereal System"

I try to picture in my mind's eye what form of life could have

thought this up.  Images of a fat rich guy in a 3-piece suit come to mind.

I still can't believe this is real.  So I buy a box to see what

Ralston Purina's Highly Trained Battery Of Marketing Experts has concocted

to catch the eye of cute youngsters who, upon seeing the familiar logo, will

whine and scream and shriek as only cute youngsters can do, shattering glass

jars nine aisles away, until every single person in the store who isn't

stone deaf will give the cute youngster a box just to get him to shut up.

It costs $3.  Oh, all right, I lied:  $2.99.  "Hmmm," I think to

myself.  "$3 to become a member of a targeted group of people, whose

behavior patterns have no doubt been calculated to three hundred forty seven

decimal places, making it statistically impossible for me to not buy this

stuff."

I get it home, and discover that it is, in fact, *two* boxes of

cereal.  Or rather, that is to say, one box of cereal with two kinds of

cereal in it.  Put more clearly, it is one box with two smaller bags in it.

One bag contains green-and-yellow Super Mario Brothers cereal.  The other

contains red-yellow-and-purple Zelda cereal.  Clearly, as implied by the

packaging, if one were to eat Super Mario Brothers food product, one would

hear a cute sound effect and grow to four times their normal size and be

able to jump higher, run faster, and whine and scream and shriek even louder

than before, possibly enough to force the President to order military

intervention to prevent a serious conflict with the Russians.  ("Yoor noo

veapon iss eenterferink vith our launch detektors.  Cease now or vee toast

yoo.")  Since I've never played Zelda, I do not know would would happen if

your youngster were to eat some Zelda food product.  However, I imagine the

results would be no less threatening to national security.

Looking at the side panel revealed an impressive array of

ingredients.  There were two lists; one for Mario and one for Zelda.  After

running 'diff' in my head, I determined that, with the exception of one

ingredient, both cereals are composed of the same substances.  The

difference?  Mario has "natural flavor," whereas Zelda has "artifical

flavor."  My my, those highly trained folks at Ralston Purina sure know how

to come up with lucid, detailed descriptions.

The side panel also gives the impression that this stuff is Highly

Fortified With Vitamins, Iron, Herbs, Spices, and The Pain Reliever Doctors

Recommend Most, and that one could actually derive nourishment from these

crunchy multicolored bits of Advanced Food Technology if one were taken with

the unlikely desire to actually eat the stuff.

However, since I'm one of a rare breed of individuals, characterized

by a marked tendency to do unwise things (like trying to make a living

developing Amiga software), I was naturally compelled to pour myself a bowl

of Nintendo Cereal System, douse it with milk, and try it.

Strange.  Memories of my childhood returned to me.  Memories of me

whining and screaming and shrieking at my own mother to buy boxes of Fruity

Pebbles, Trix, and Lucky Charms.  This stuff tasted exactly like those

cereals that I remember.  For those of you who don't remember that part of

your childhood, and who don't have access to your mother to remember it for

you, let me describe Nintendo Cereal System in more familiar adult terms.

Sugar-Frosted Sugar-Coated Little Lumps of Sugar-Impregnated Crunchy

Plastic Sponge.  The surface tension on these things is so high that the

milk beads up and rolls off.  What little milk that does manage to penetrate

the pellets undergoes strange and no doubt Highly Sophisticated And Advanced

chemical reactions which would make Pons' and Fleischman's cold fusion

reaction look no more complicated than boiling water.  Evidence of this

reaction can be seen with the naked eye by looking for the milk to start

changing color.

In case your children are of above average intelligence, and are

able to spot this marketing ploy for what it is, then there is a backup

ploy.  The boxes have printed on them tips for playing Super Mario Brothers

and Zelda.  So, while your cute youngsters are eating this wonderous new

piece of culinary engineering, they can be reading up on how to get even

farther (and therefore spend more time) in Super Mario Brothers and Zelda,

which they will want to try out immediately after finishing breakfast, and

continue to do so until you, the concerned parent, will yell and hop up and

down and throw heavy objects and insist they hurry up and get dressed or

they'll be late for school again.

Nintendo Cereal System.  Look for it in a supermarket near you.  It

shouldn't be too hard to find.  You'll know you're getting close when you

hear the sound of whining, screaming, shrieking, shattering jars, and

military maneuvers.

--

Leo L. Schwab

--

Edited by Brad Templeton.  MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA

Attribute the joke's source if at all possible.  I will reply, mailers willing.

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