Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
VAX Trek V The Movie: "The Crunchy Bits"
----------------------------------------
These are the voyages of the StarShip Enterprise..Its five year mission
to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy alien life...To boldly split
infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....
Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked
about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew
members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm
about to be interrupted by Scotty.
Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."
Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."
Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"
Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main
engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."
Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"
Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."
Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys
anyway..."
Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs
on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have
mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course
we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones."
Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"
Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe
it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red..
it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor
built in."
Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"
Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"
Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer
from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your
teeth in."
Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"
Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"
Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."
Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"
Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"
Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."
Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode.
I can get another acting job easily."
Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"
Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."
Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"
Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."
Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a
supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."
Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"
Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings
into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the
fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console
in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2?"
Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."
NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.
NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.
...you're a genius scotty...
Episode 2:
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42
We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the
standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse.
Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp
drive unit we cannot take off.
Scotty: "You BASTARD!!"
Jim: "Pardon???!?"
Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode."
Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."
Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??"
Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them
fixed by the end of today's episode."
Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"
Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?"
Spock: "I'll come..."
Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."
Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way
down..."
[10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be
a rough cobbled road]
Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'.
Give me a tricorder reading Spock."
Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."
Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard
Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric
content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet"
Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out
to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once
you're actually there..."
Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?"
Spock: "It always is...."
Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"
Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals...
...here listen..."
[...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...]
Jim: "..primitive indeed..."
Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."
Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."
Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"
[Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall
white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat]
Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."
[The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...]
(uuuh...and the question is Emlyn...WHAT happened next?)
Episode 3:
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an
earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding
the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.
Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."
Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to
write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's
just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a
Federation Court Martial."
Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."
Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the
EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."
Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,
but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might
be of considerable interest to both of you."
Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"
Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"
Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp
drive power!!!!"
Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."
Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens
...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing"
Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"
Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left
that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."
Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're
going in....hang on to yer trousers...."
Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little
Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe..
It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now
coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float
around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed
FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its
ears and floated round the room.
"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly
sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside
the window.
"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third
side now....", replied Frodo.
"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that
bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.",
said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round
window.
"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've
crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint
signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,
buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a
state of bemused excitement....
Episode 4:
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]
Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...
Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."
Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"
Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
about to attack us all I think"
Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
might be the best way to get around these savages"
Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
ship"
Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"
Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"
Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
when you were at Federation cadet school?"
Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"
Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of
inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
disrupting the lives of these little people!"
Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..."
Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
have to take severe action!"
Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
best.."
Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
"I think we may be in luck Captain"
Jim: "Who is he?"
Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"
Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!"
Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
lifeforms"
Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
in a friendly and diplomatic manner."
Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"
Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"
Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."
Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
the Dylithium."
Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"
Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."
Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
to grab the crystals..."
Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"
[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]
Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
operational, Captain."
Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
troop of guards on deck 3..."
Spock: "How did he get on board?"
Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"
Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"
Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"
Sulu: "About teatime, sir"
Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....
Episode 5:
Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927
We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the
galaxy and...
Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic
and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation
to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words
space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable
and poorly understood deeper concepts."
Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."
[**** BUMP !!! ****]
Jim: "..What the..."
Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!"
Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up
the forward view on the screen."
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."
Spock: "...highly illogical.."
Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large brick
walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....."
Spock: "Groan..."
Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."
Spock: "But Captain!"
Jim: "No buts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"
Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."
[Fiddles with various scanner controls...]
Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships
behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by
their cloaking device."
Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image
from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a
thump when we hit it after all..."
Spock: "Ah....good point"
[There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in
one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...]
Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"
Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?"
Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other
episodes"
Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly...
Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact
with the Klingon vessels"
Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."
Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"
Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had
enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up"
SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only
2 pounds 99p, from:
Starship Enterprises,
Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer,
PO Box 42,
Pythagoras Street,
Planet Vulcan.
Episode 6:
Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and
to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..
Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep
your hands up!"
Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"
Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"
Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send
out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be
caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that
would you?"
Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse
their suspicions..."
Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the
engines, the crew, the ship in general really."
Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"
Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."
Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do
anything."
Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till
Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"
Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"
Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need
to go and powder my nose already..."
Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his
handbag)
Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally
into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh
forget it......."
Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep
quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)
"Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...
Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."
["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]
Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."
Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."
Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."
Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"
Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation
Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."
Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated
into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive
system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."
Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors
go 'Sheesh'"
Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"
Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years
to find out, but our greatest scientists
built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door
noises on nearby starships..."
Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..
...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...
..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they
didn't..."
Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander
F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."
[Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]
Episode 7:
Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------
..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty
impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon
guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our
impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem
to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them
finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.
Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"
Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"
Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything
out of the ordinary"
Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."
Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing
mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of
your crew into deep space."
Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged
swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information
out of me..."
Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"
Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"
Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch
them carefully til I get back."
[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep
an eye on the Enterprise crew members]
Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..
at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute
to search each one...that makes..."
Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"
Jim: "Should it?"
Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since
there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean
there are 236 cisterns"
Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting
all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and
I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have
miscounted......"
Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would
take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into
account that on average he really only needs to search half of them..
indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."
Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of
breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me
of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"
Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."
Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"
Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just
because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..
The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's
Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding
through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..
the mighty Scots Pine!...."
Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."
[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]
Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."
Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"
Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."
Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he
wakes up he'll be back to normal..."
Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"
Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for
quite a while."
Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the
series?"
Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."
Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was
going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm
them..."
Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."
Bones: "What is it?"
Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE
Spock went cuckoo"
Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."
Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"
Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"
Checkov: "But it might just work"
Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing
and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd
jump on them."
Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I
reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."
Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"
Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast
them with our phasers?"
Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an
enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their
weapons?"
Checkov: "....THEY did...."
Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"
Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"
Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"
[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of
very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment
in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in
the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping
on the special effects)]
Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"
[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of
the bridge..]
[Sheesh...]
[aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]
********************* Next Week: Episode 8. ************************
Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's
used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?
Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines
to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....
Episode 8:
[Sheesh..]
[Aaaaaaaargh!]
....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge
level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...
....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,
and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...
Jim: "What the..."
Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"
Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all
yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."
Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."
Jim: "What is?"
Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the
lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't
given it much credence."
Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.."
Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli
and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious
pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their
dark glasses and their violin cases."
Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."
Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,
they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE
to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."
Scotty: "Cough..."
Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."
Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends
of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today
rather than his usual red.]
Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..."
[There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",
followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone
posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short
skirt.]
Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little
man!"
Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"
Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist
aren't you?"
Uhura: "What!?"
Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the
original class ridden social structure into a single party state where
absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this
to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus
immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.
Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government
wins you more medals at the Olympic games."
Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you
...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."
Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"
Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's
technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape
recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."
Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"
Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"
Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."
Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than
'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context
you can tell I didn't mean the latter."
Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."
Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it
are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon
flagship."
Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]
Spock: "Well done Captain.."
Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the
floor...then raise your hands above your head"
Uhura: "grrr.."
Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."
Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"
1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"
Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]
"...could you come back in the next episode?"
1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"
Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of
that...see you then"
[The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]
Jim: "Right where were we?"
Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get
to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and
treason."
[There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small
pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]
Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with
damn formalities.."
*******************************************************************************
Tune in next week for a new adventure...
Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?
Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?
Will Jim get a chance to do his log?
VAX Trek VI The Book, The Film, The Video:
"The Search For Spock"
------------------------------------------
Episode 1:
----------
Jim: "....Where's Spock?"
Sulu: "I'm sorry Captain, I don't know"
Jim: "Looks like we'll have to go and search for him again.."
[He gets up from his seat and makes for the turbolift..]
Spock: "Wait Jim...I'm over here!" [Suddenly appearing from behind a computer
cabinet]
Jim: "Ah! it's ok...we've found him."
VAX Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 1
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/780.1234
-----------------------------------
For the past five days Spock has been inside the ship's computer. His exact
purpose is as yet unknown, but it sure as hell better be a good excuse because
by opening the cabinet he has annulled our maintenance warranty.
Spock: "Don't worry Jim, I've made a few modifications and I think you'll
agree they improve the overall usefulness and userfriendliness of the
system."
Jim: "Yes but it was already about as user friendly as a computer can get!
It talks in English, it can solve ANY problem you name, AND it even
beats you at 3D chess..."
Spock: "...that was one of the reasons I undertook my modifications"
Sulu: "....You vulcans always were sore losers..."
Spock: "..It's not that I'm a sore loser...I just think it's unnatural for a
computer to beat a Vulcan at chess."
Jim: "So what DID you do then?"
Spock: "Here look...I'll re-boot it"
[He types RUN and presses RETURN]
%SYSTEM-F-PHLOCK, phasers locked, unable to fire error at PC=00000617,
PSL=03C00022
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name routine name line rel PC abs PC
INVADERS BOMB 9 00000017 00000617
MOVEALIENS 53 00000078 00000800
MAINLOOP 20 00000100 00000400
Spock: "..........ah....."
Jim: [Drumming his fingers impatiently on the arms of his seat....and
accidentally hitting a few important switches in the process..]
"well?"
Spock: "Just a moment...I see the problem..I think I put the wrong system
disk in.....right..it's fixed now:"
MSDOS Version 42.0
A>
Jim: "???"
Spock: "Now you can run a whole host of industry standard packages, from
word processors to spreadsheets. It's the perfect solution to your
business needs......"
Scotty: "He sounds just like a damn computer salesman..."
Spock: "....The most demanding applications are easily catered for, and should
your needs grow, the PC640000 has ample expansion capabilities. For
extra memory, just install the ..."
Jim: [Pointing his phaser at Spock] "...I want it put back the way it was
before...NOW!"
[Spock disappears inside the cabinet again and the door slams shut]
Jim: "What is up with Spock these days?"
Bones: "I don't think we're taxing his brain enough. I'll give him a going over
with my twirly thing when he comes back out."
Jim: "You do that Bones. ...Now...where was I ?.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes..we know.....You're LATE!"
2nd Being: "We got held up ...we were creating a new galaxy and clever trousers
here put in too many carbon atoms, and we had to start all over again."
3rd Being: "It wasn't my fault....there was a misprint in the instructions"
1st Being: "..anyway...down to business....Right Kirk, we understand your
Vulcan has been acting up a bit recently? Fortunately your
Federation has a full parts and maintenance warranty with us for
upkeep of your shipboard Vulcans.."
Jim: "ah!...good! But I didn't know about any such contract?"
1st Being: "Yes well at the start of the series the Federation felt a bit
guilty about sending you off on such a dangerous mission "to boldly
go where no man has gone before", so they contacted us and paid
quite a hefty sum for our top of the range "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract. This contract includes a free Vulcan,
plus lifetime parts and maintenance guarantee.......so here we are.."
Jim: "Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just
not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?"
1st Being: "We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test
equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away
for a while.."
Jim: "Be my guest.....he's in the cabinet."
[The three beings appear to concentrate for a moment, then Spock materialises
before them holding a soldering iron, and with a very bewildered look on
his face]
1st Being: "Right, if you just sign here Captain Kirk?......thank you...
now we'll be off. He should be ready next Thursday"
2nd Being: "Have a nice day"
Jim: "..ah thank you..bye"
[The three beings fade away, taking Spock with them...]
Jim: "What nice people."
Scotty: "yes....and they seem to be coming back already..look"
[Three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
[ I bet you're thinking we filmed this special effect only once and just keep
showing the same bit again....we're not THAT cheap you know]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes we know all that....what are you back for already?"
1st Being: "Back?..Already? You said 'come back next Wednesday at 2 o'clock'.
Admittedly we're a bit late, but we do eventually keep all our
appointments...though you can't imagine how busy it is being
utter overlords of the Universe"
Jim: "But you were here just five minutes ago"
2nd Being: "Nope, that's impossible. Five minutes ago we were at a meeting
with our subcontractors in a new black hole building project out
at Tau Cetus III."
Jim: "But you were HERE!..You came and took Spock away...our Vulcan crew
member. You know...all to do with the "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract we have with you"
3rd Being: "No..that can't be right. Our records show that the contract
you mention ran out 2 and a half years ago. I distinctly remember
the representative from your Federation saying ''I'll be damned if
if I'm going to fork out THAT amount of cash to help out Kirk for
a whole five year mission''...."
1st Being: "...So we damned him anyway for a laugh.."
Jim: "....But if it wasn't YOU that took Spock away...WHO WAS IT!!!"
[They all freeze in various dramatic poses]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, but isn't that
what always happens with "To Be Continued" thingies.....You'll just have
to tune in next week to find out:
Who were those strange beings?
Is Carl Sagan a co-writer?
What will Dr.McCoy do with his twirly thing now that Spock has gone?
******************************************************************************
Any characters depicted in this series are fictional and any resemblance
to characters living or dead is purely unintentional. In fact it'd be
bloody remarkable to tell the truth.
----------------------------------------
These are the voyages of the StarShip Enterprise..Its five year mission
to seek out and destroy all slightly dodgy alien life...To boldly split
infinitives where there's no grammar teacher to slap our wrists....
Captain's log, CPU Time: 3:45 point 31
Nothing much happening. Had quite a nice chicken curry for breakfast. Walked
about a bit. Went to the toilet on deck 4. Ignored a few insignificant crew
members in red jerseys. Now sitting on the bridge writing this log, but I'm
about to be interrupted by Scotty.
Scotty: "Scott to bridge..Scott to bridge.."
Jim: "Go ahead Mr. Scott.."
Scotty: "Cap'n Cap'n...the dilithium crystals canna take any more!"
Jim: "Alright alright you have permission to divert the power back to the main
engines and disconnect my home beer making kit."
Scotty: "Thanks cap'n"
Jim: "Attention everyone, it's jersey colour allocation day today..."
Sulu: "Aw siiiir...do we HAVE to?? We always end up with same colour jerseys
anyway..."
Jim: "Listen..this must be seen to be a democratically run ship...The plebs
on the lower decks have to believe the allocation is fair otherwise we'd have
mutiny on our hands. Hence the weekly jersey allocation game. But of course
we cleverly arrange it that they always lose, and end up with the red ones."
Scotty: "So why do I get a red one?"
Jim: "Don't you see?..someone important has to have one to make them believe
it's perfectly safe to wear a red one....but of course yours just LOOKS red..
it's really one of the yellow ones with a special holographic colour refractor
built in."
Spock: "It's perfectly logical....Captain"
Jim: "Shut up Spock, you pointy eared wierdo"
Spock: "As I am completely devoid of emotion, anger isn't something I suffer
from..but I would warn you that if you persist in these insults I'll kick your
teeth in."
Jim: "You do value having a BLUE jersey Spock don't you?"
Spock: "Emmm....yes captain"
Jim: "Any more of your lip and you'll be allocated a red one...."
Spock: "sorry sir...won't happen again"
Lt.Uhura: "Sir,..is my red jersey really a yellow one like Mr.Scott's?"
Jim: "No...yours is a real red one....you get killed in the next episode.."
Lt.Uhura: "In that case I'll just resign from the show before the next episode.
I can get another acting job easily."
Jim: "Fair enough...but how do you propose to get home?"
Lt.Uhura: "..But I thought..."
Jim: "I know..you thought we were in a studio set somewhere in Hollywood?"
Lt.Uhura: "..basically...yes.."
Jim: "..A popular misconception....don't worry though...we meet up with a
supply ship returning to earth in two episode's time."
Lt.Uhura: "...but i get killed in the next episode..it'll be too late"
Jim: "Hmm...Scotty..if we fed the output of the warp drive exciter windings
into the main neutrino pulse modulator, reversed the polarity on the
fusion reactor field, and plugged the pacman cartridge into the games console
in the level 3 rec. room, would that allow us to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2?"
Scotty: "No....but if we press this big orange button here...."
NEXT WEEK: Episode 3.
NEXT NEXT WEEK: Episode 2.
...you're a genius scotty...
Episode 2:
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:50 point 42
We have crash landed on a strange little planet which wasn't on any of the
standard Federation star maps...or at least that's Mr.Sulu's excuse.
Until we either fix or replace the burned out dilithium crystals in the warp
drive unit we cannot take off.
Scotty: "You BASTARD!!"
Jim: "Pardon???!?"
Scotty: "You do it deliberately don't you?..you wreck my engines every episode."
Jim: "Calm down Scotty...I promise we'll get them fixed.."
Scotty: "..you've been taking a sneak look at the script again haven't you??"
Jim: "emmm...er...no of course not...I just get the feeling we'll get them
fixed by the end of today's episode."
Scotty: "...and how do you propose to go about fixing them?"
Jim: "Well first of course we'll need a landing party...Any volunteers?"
Spock: "I'll come..."
Scotty: "...och ok I'll come.."
Jim: "Right let's go...we'll pick up a few red jerseyed guards on the way
down..."
[10 minutes later, they stand outside the EnterKey on what appears to be
a rough cobbled road]
Jim: "Hmmm..a road eh...a sign of civilisation....set your phasers to 'kill'.
Give me a tricorder reading Spock."
Spock: "Atmosphere: breathable oxygen/nitrogen mixture..."
Scotty: "..I should bloody well hope so.....and anyway..Federation Standard
Landing Party Procedure states that tricorder readings of atmospheric
content should take place BEFORE we set foot on the planet"
Spock: "That's Federation bureaucrats for you....Someone should point out
to them that it's only possible to take a tricorder reading once
you're actually there..."
Scotty: "but...but...but what happens if the atmosphere wasn't breathable?"
Spock: "It always is...."
Jim: "Anything else on the tricorder Spock?"
Spock: "Yes I'm picking up some primitive radio frequency signals...
...here listen..."
[...it's a brand new dance now...come on baby..do the locomotion...]
Jim: "..primitive indeed..."
Spock: "I bet she's got nice legs though.."
Jim: "Spock!..what's wrong with you...that was Scotty's line..."
Scotty: "Never mind that...look!"
[Scotty points frantically at an angry crowd approaching...led by a tall
white bearded old man in a funny pointed hat]
Jim: "Right ..guards...blast them first..ask questions later.."
[The two red-jerseyed guards step forward, arm their phasers and take aim...]
(uuuh...and the question is Emlyn...WHAT happened next?)
Episode 3:
Captain's log, CPU Time: 4:42 point 42
By a stroke of genius, Scotty has managed to make episode 3 happen before
episode 2, thus saving Lt.Uhura's life. We expect to rendezvous soon with an
earth bound supply ship, which Lt.Uhura will journey home aboard...thus avoiding
the untimely death which would have befallen her if she'd stayed on till
episode 2.
Jim:"Mr.Sulu..let me know when we hit the supply ship."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Quiet Spock!..can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Sulu?"
Sulu:"Be fair captain, my driving isn't THAT bad."
Jim: "Well try not to do so much damage this time....the Federation had to
write-off the last supply ship we hit, and you killed 500 crew members. It's
just as well they were all red jersey grade or you'd have been up for a
Federation Court Martial."
Sulu: "I've taken lessons since then...I can steer the ship fine now."
Spock: "Jim..."
Jim: "Shut up Spock...I'm still addressing Mr.Sulu..."
Sulu: "As I was saying...I've now realised that the secret of steering the
EnterKey properly is to look where you're going...quite obvious really."
Spock: "Jim..I hate to interrupt your enthralling conversation with Mr.Sulu,
but the fact that we are about to collide with a large planet might
be of considerable interest to both of you."
Jim: "Hooooooooolllleeeeeeeeeeeee Sh** !!!!!"
Sulu: "..I beg your pardon?"
Jim: "Quick you fool!..slam on the brakes!..Scotty give us full reverse warp
drive power!!!!"
Scotty: "The dilithium crystals canna take it captain..."
Jim: "Right!..activate the flashing red lights and start up the whooping sirens
...this is a red alert...we're going to have to attempt a crash landing"
Sulu: "Are you sure we can do that sir?"
Jim: "Yes you idiot...it's in the script. That big green button to your left
that wasn't there last week lowers the undercarriage."
Sulu: "Oh!..so THAT's what it does...ok then..undercarriage lowered...we're
going in....hang on to yer trousers...."
Frodo sat in his favourite chair by the fire, in his comfortable little
Hobbit hole at Bag End, sipping tea and enjoying a good smoke on his pipe..
It was finest grade pot from the eastern marches, and its full effect was now
coming over Frodo...Gandalf, lounging in the other chair, now looked like a
little pink fluffy elephant, which would periodically flap its ears and float
around the room. Gandalf meanwhile...who was also partaking of the evil weed
FELT like he was a little pink fluffy elephant that periodically flapped its
ears and floated round the room.
"Like heaveee man...what was that bang I just heard?", said Gandalf..suddenly
sitting bolt upright in his chair and straining to hear the commotion outside
the window.
"It's just the start of the percussion section.....you know..we're on the third
side now....", replied Frodo.
"I knew I should never have bought you Tales From Topographic Oceans...and that
bloody record player is an anachronism anyway...you should get rid of it.",
said Gandalf as he got up from his chair and staggered toward the small round
window.
"Oh bugger....it's that idiot Kirk again and his bloody starship...they've
crash landed right in the middle of Hobbiton.", exclaimed Gandalf with faint
signs of annoyance sweeping over his face. He straightened out his flares,
buckled his sandals and made for the door...with Frodo scurrying after in a
state of bemused excitement....
Episode 4:
[...we left our heroes at the end of episode three (which was actually episode
two of course) in a bit of a predicament.
Advancing towards them was a very angry looking crowd of natives led by
a tall old man with a white beard and a funny pointed hat.
Captain Kirk gave the order to fire on the advancing crowd before it
was too late....]
Captain's log, Star date 4:59.42 (entry made by outdoor battery operated log)
We are completely surrounded by a VERY angry crowd of natives...Two of our
guards have just been blasted by the old man with the beard who seemed to
get rather upset when they first hit him with a couple of volleys of phaser
fire. Luckily he seems to have calmed down somewhat, and is approaching me
now..probably to parley....hold on he's getting very close and is still walking
at quite a pace.....umph!...
Gandalf: "Oh eck...sorry....eyesight's not s'good as it used to be..."
Jim: (picking himself up off the ground and dusting off the...err..dust..(for
Gandalf: "What were those red things, by the way?....were they annoying you
too?...I thought i better get rid of them before they did any harm"
Jim: "Those red THINGS were members of my......err....actually no...
I DON'T know what they were....It IS lucky you blasted them...they were
about to attack us all I think"
Spock: (in a confidential whisper) "Well done Captain...your diplomatic skills
might be the best way to get around these savages"
Jim: "Why thank you Spock...come to my cabin later on when we get back to the
ship"
Gandalf: "Stop muttering Kirk....I'm very angry with you"
Jim (spluttering): "How do you know my name!??!?"
Gandalf: "Remember the old man you used to use as phaser target practice
when you were at Federation cadet school?"
Jim: "Emmm..yes...that was YOU?"
Gandalf: "Nope...I was his walking stick. I went through a bit of a phase
in my early years....just research really...into the day to day lives of
inanimate objects....but that's all irrelevant now. WHAT do you mean by
disrupting the lives of these little people!"
Jim: "I'm sorry about all this trouble we've caused, but we crash-landed
I'm afraid. Our engines are completely useless until we can either
repair or replace our burnt out dylithium crystals..."
Gandalf: "Bugger that!...we want you out of here by teatime or else we'll
have to take severe action!"
Jim: (glancing nervously at the two dead guards) "emm...right we'll do our
best.."
Spock: (pointing at a small bearded person pushing a wheelbarrow)
"I think we may be in luck Captain"
Jim: "Who is he?"
Gandalf: "Damn dwarf of course.....They're building what they call the
very latest in large scale construction projects...the Hobbiton
Megadrome....It's basically an urban bypass, conference centre,
shopping mall and ring-road all rolled into one.....Groan...what
am I doing..standing here nattering to you lot...I'm off...and
I expect you to be gone by teatime remember!"
Scotty: "Look Captain!..in the wheelbarrow...Dylithium crystals!"
Jim: "Right...we'll play this strictly by the book...Spock, remind me of
Federation standard code on opening friendly talks with alien
lifeforms"
Spock: "Subsection 5, paragraph 39a, clause 1: Hail the alien lifeforms
in a friendly and diplomatic manner."
Jim: "Oi!.Shorty!..Get yer backside over here with that wheelbarrow!"
Dwarf: (drawing a rather lethal looking axe from his belt) "Kryvh ne grok!"
Spock: "I think we have a communication problem here Captain..."
Jim: "Rubbish!..he understood me perfectly! He's becoming tiresome anyway.
Go and dispose of him with your Vulcan death grip and we can swipe
the Dylithium."
Spock: "I see a subtle flaw in that plan Captain... I fear I would not
get close enough to administer the grip without my arms falling
victim to the thrusts of his mighty weapon"
Jim: "..I love it when you talk dirty.."
Scotty: "I have a better plan.....we could all pretend to run off in sheer
terror....he chases us...leaves the wheelbarrow...and Spock slips back
to grab the crystals..."
Jim: "I don't think any 'pretending' will be necessary...but anyway it's a
brilliant plan! ....ok..on the count of 3...1.2.3...RUN for it!"
[**** 20 minutes later on board the Enterprise ****]
Spock: "The new crystals are installed and the warp engines are now fully
operational, Captain."
Jim: "That's all very well, but we've got a mad axe-wielding maniac of
diminutive stature loose on the ship somewhere! He's already minced a
troop of guards on deck 3..."
Spock: "How did he get on board?"
Jim: "He chased us all the way!..we didn't have time to shut the door behind
us!....We'll have to forget about him till later....We have more
urgent matters to attend to...like getting off this planet....What
time do you make it Mr.Sulu?"
Sulu: "230x9.5.400.45 Fed-secs, sir"
Jim: "Give me that in English, Sulu"
Sulu: "About teatime, sir"
Jim: "Hit the gas pedal Sulu!..NOW!!"
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Spock: (Thinking quietly to himself): Hmmm, I'm sure there's something in
the Federation Code of Practice about not using warp drive in
populated areas.....ah, what the hell........
Ho hum.....eh?...That's funny...I seem to remember Lt.Uhura being
taller...and dear oh dear, that beard doesn't suit her at all....
Episode 5:
Captain's Log Stardate 3.1415927
We are cruising at warp factor 3 in a previously uncharted corner of the
galaxy and...
Spock: "Excuse me for interrupting Captain, but must you use such simplistic
and inaccurate language? The word "corner" just has no meaning in relation
to the concepts of space and time, indeed it is even theorised that the words
space and time themselves are ultimately just labels for indescribable
and poorly understood deeper concepts."
Jim: "....You do the damn log then smarty.."
[**** BUMP !!! ****]
Jim: "..What the..."
Sulu: "Captain!..We've stoppped dead!"
Jim: "Not AGAIN!...what have you hit THIS time....Yawn...Bring up
the forward view on the screen."
Sulu: "Aye aye Captain"
Jim: "I don't believe it.....I just DON'T believe it..."
Spock: "...highly illogical.."
Sulu: "It would appear to be a large...wall..in fact..two large brick
walls...meeting at approximately 90 degrees to each other....."
Spock: "Groan..."
Jim: "Ok Spock, you're fired."
Spock: "But Captain!"
Jim: "No buts....you're off at the next Federation Starbase"
Spock: "Wait...this CAN'T be right...let me try something..."
[Fiddles with various scanner controls...]
Spock: "There! The scanners indicate the presence of 3 Klingon ships
behind the walls...It's obviously just an image thrown up by
their cloaking device."
Jim: "Klingons!..I might have known....but how can a holographic image
from a cloaking device actually feel solid?...we did get quite a
thump when we hit it after all..."
Spock: "Ah....good point"
[There is an explosion on the forward viewer and a gaping hole appears in
one of the walls...through which 3 Klingon battlecruisers emerge...]
Spock: "Bang goes that theory..if you pardon the pun"
Jim: "This is getting silly....who's writing this week's episode?"
Sulu: "Scanners indicate that it's the same writer as for the other
episodes"
Jim: "Ok...we'll trust that he can get us out of this convincingly...
Anyway....Uhura...open all hailing frequencies and make contact
with the Klingon vessels"
Uhura: "Aye aye sir..."
Jim: "...and one other thing Uhura....get that beard seen to"
Uhura: (Standing up suddenly brandishing a phaser) "Grrrrr! Ok I've had
enough of you Kirk......All of you...over there..and get your hands up"
SPECIAL OFFER: Get your own Tricorder, just like Mr. Spock's, for only
2 pounds 99p, from:
Starship Enterprises,
Mr.Spock's *Official* Tricorder Offer,
PO Box 42,
Pythagoras Street,
Planet Vulcan.
Episode 6:
Captain's Log Stardate 42.424242
We are being held at gunpoint by an impostor who was posing as Uhura, and
to make matters worse, we are confronted by three Klingon battlecruisers..
Uhura: "Oi! what do you think you're doing! Get back over there and keep
your hands up!"
Jim: "I was just doing my Captain's log"
Uhura: "I'll DO you if you don't watch it Kirk"
Spock: "Little man, if he DOESN'T do the log then Starfleet Command will send
out a patrol ship to look for us. And then we'd be rescued, you'd be
caught, hung, and then given a fair trial. You wouldn't want that
would you?"
Uhura: "As long as you didn't put anything in the log that might arouse
their suspicions..."
Jim: "Oh no no, nothing of the sort....Just the usual stuff about the
engines, the crew, the ship in general really."
Uhura: "...Nothing about me?"
Jim: "Nope...it completely slipped my mind that you were here actually.."
Uhura: "Hmm..alright then...but check with me next time you want to do
anything."
Jim: (whispering) "phew!...that was a close one Spock....how long till
Starfleet get here with the heavy artillery?"
Spock: (whispering) "3.4212 hours approximately Captain"
Jim: "Damn...how can we hold out here for over 3 hours?...I feel like I need
to go and powder my nose already..."
Checkov: "Here Captain, you can use mine" (producing a make-up set from his
handbag)
Jim: "Groan...Checkov...you must learn not to translate everything literally
into Russian...when I say I want to powder my nose I mean...oh
forget it......."
Uhura: "Look you lot!..Stop muttering...just keep your hands up, and keep
quiet!" (fiddling with a few switches on the communications panel)
"Purple Hamster calling Klingon battlecruisers, come in please...
Purple Hamster to Klingon battlecruisers..."
["This is Brown Envelope to Purple Hamster...we read you loud and clear.."]
Uhura: "I have the crew at gunpoint....please come aboard.."
Jim: "Why the dirty little!!....He's a Klingon agent..."
Uhura: "Very observant of you Kirk...."
Jim: "What are you after ...you..fiend!"
Uhura: "For many years the Klingons have been trying to capture a Federation
Starship...and at last we have succeeded..."
Spock: "...The Federation's greatest technical secrets are incorporated
into its starships.....they'll find out the secret of the warp drive
system.......how our weapons work....how our transporters work..."
Uhura: "Bugger all that.....we want to find out how to make our doors
go 'Sheesh'"
Jim: "How do you know OUR doors go ...'Sheesh'?"
Uhura: "It's no use pretending Kirk, we have evidence...It took us many years
to find out, but our greatest scientists
built a new sensor device that could be used to detect the door
noises on nearby starships..."
Spock: (whispering to jim) "..very ingenious....but also extremely pointless..
...Typical of the Klingons really....they've a lot to learn...
..and it has a lot to do with why we got our own TV series and they
didn't..."
Uhura: "Shut up.....and stand at attention...prepare to salute Commander
F.J.Trouserpress of the Imperial Klingon battle legion..."
[Trumpet fanfare, as the main doors to the bridge open.....]
Episode 7:
Captain's Log Stardate 42.5
---------------------------
..well...the entrance of Commander Trouserpress WOULD have been pretty
impressive had he not tripped on the steps and broken his neck. Some Klingon
guards have just arrived to stretcher him away, and it looks as if our
impostor Uhura has assumed control of the Klingon boarding party. They seem
to be taking apart the ship piece by piece in search of the door Sheeshing
mechanism, but hopefully we can stall them long enough to prevent them
finding it before the Federation rescue ship saves us.
Uhura: "Kirk? You doing that Captain's Sod thing?"
Jim: "It's a LOG ....and YES I am doing it!"
Uhura: "Good...but remember..no funny business...and no mention of anything
out of the ordinary"
Jim: "Yes yes....don't worry.."
Uhura: "By the way, Kirk, if you don't tell us where the door sheeshing
mechanism is hidden we'll start systematically beaming members of
your crew into deep space."
Jim: "You fiend....you'll never get away with this!...and a triple fanged
swamp Norgoid from the planet Barf couldn't drag the information
out of me..."
Uhura: "..sorry...did I not mention that you'd be the first to be beamed?"
Jim: "..Ah....It's under the cistern in the toilet complex on deck 3b"
Uhura: "I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking Kirk.....Guards!..watch
them carefully til I get back."
[The Uhura impostor leaves the bridge, leaving two Klingon guards to keep
an eye on the Enterprise crew members]
Jim: "That should give us some breathing space....let's see now..236 cubicles..
at 1 cistern per cubicle...that's 235 cisterns...and at say 1 minute
to search each one...that makes..."
Spock: "Excuse me Captain...shouldn't that be 236 cisterns?"
Jim: "Should it?"
Spock: "Well usually it has been my experience that 236x1 is 236, thus since
there are 236 cubicles, with 1 cistern per cubicle, that must mean
there are 236 cisterns"
Jim: "Are you sure you can do it that way?...I remember actually counting
all the cisterns one day, just in case it might come in useful, and
I'm pretty sure there were 235.....though I suppose I could have
miscounted......"
Spock: "....yes well let's just say that if Uhura searched every one it would
take something approaching 4 hours...but you really have to take into
account that on average he really only needs to search half of them..
indeed..we might be unlucky and he might find it straight away..."
Jim: "Basically you're saying we have a completely indeterminate amount of
breathing space.....ok let's make the best of it...Spock, remind me
of Federation Standard Code on Dealing With Klingon Boarding Parties"
Spock: "Look it up yourself...there's the manual.."
Jim: "Spock!.That's an order!"
Spock: "Listen...I'm not here to act as a walking library for you, just
because you're too lazy to pick up a book and read it for yourself..
The Vulcan mind is for higher things...I didn't want to be a ship's
Science Officer anyway....I wanted to be a lumberjack...striding
through the forests of British Columbia...the maple, the larch..
the mighty Scots Pine!...."
Jim: "Hold him down!...he's taken one of his funny turns...."
[They all leap on top of Spock and pin him to the floor....]
Spock: [muffled under a pile of bodies] "...I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK..."
Bones: "Keep him still while I administer the injection!"
Spock: "....I wish I'd been a girlie..just like my dear papa......."
Bones: "He should be out cold for about ten minutes, but hopefully when he
wakes up he'll be back to normal..."
Scotty: "By the way, Dr.McCoy, where did you appear from?"
Bones: "I've been here all the time...I just haven't had any lines for
quite a while."
Scotty: "Me neither...do you think they're trying to write us out of the
series?"
Jim: "Quiet you two...the Klingon guards are watching us suspiciously.."
Scotty: "Maybe if we created a commotion over here as if one of us was
going seriously mad, they'd come over and we'd jump up and disarm
them..."
Jim: "Damn...damn damn damn...."
Bones: "What is it?"
Jim: "We did that bit all wrong....Scotty should have said his last line BEFORE
Spock went cuckoo"
Bones: "We'll have to think of something else then....emmm...."
Checkov: "I have an idea Captain"
Jim: "Oh shut up Checkov, can't you see we're trying to think!"
Checkov: "But it might just work"
Jim: "Checkov, be QUIET!.....Now Bones, how about if we all started singing
and dancing? They'd come over to see what we were doing, then we'd
jump on them."
Bones: "They weren't very interested in the commotion Spock caused...so I
reckon they've been warned about any such tricks we might play..."
Jim: "Oh alright Checkov....out with it!"
Checkov: "This is a bit of a long shot Captain, but why don't we just blast
them with our phasers?"
Jim: [Sarcastically] "VERY clever Checkov....and I suppose if YOU boarded an
enemy ship and took its crew prisoner, you'd let them keep their
weapons?"
Checkov: "....THEY did...."
Jim: "Don't be stu...uh!......I DON'T believe it!"
Checkov: "Can I fire first then?"
Jim: "No, I'll shoot first.....ready?...set phasers to kill.....fire!!"
[The two Klingon guards are instantly vapourised...along with a good deal of
very essential, and very expensive communications and sensor equipment
in the panels behind them...(This has no significance to any future turn in
the story..I just thought I'd mention it to show you that we're not skimping
on the special effects)]
Jim: "Right!...to the turbolift!"
[They all leap across the floor and make for the double doors at the back of
the bridge..]
[Sheesh...]
[aaaaaaaaaaargh!!]
********************* Next Week: Episode 8. ************************
Find out next week what they found in the turbolift....was it Spock's
used underwear? Was it Scotty's pet haggis? ....Can you stand the suspense?
Can I think up something convincing?....Will Bones and Scotty get more lines
to say?......Just tune in next week and all will be answered....
Episode 8:
[Sheesh..]
[Aaaaaaaargh!]
....forgetting that the turbolift would not actually BE there at bridge
level, they all charge through the door and fall down the lift shaft...
....luckily only about 16 feet down, they meet the lift coming up,
and land with a resounding OOOOOMPH! on something soft...
Jim: "What the..."
Scotty: "...where did all these jerseys come from??!!?"
Jim: "...your guess is as good as mine Scotty......wait a minute..they're all
yellow or blue....this is VERY suspicious.."
Bones: "ah!....so it's true...."
Jim: "What is?"
Bones: "I've been hearing rumours that there's an illegal black market on the
lower decks, dealing in non-red jerseys......but up till now I hadn't
given it much credence."
Checkov: "That's a big word Dr.McCoy.."
Jim: "Shut up Checkov... I bet those two new Italian crew members, Nickedyatelli
and Videonasti have got something to do with it......Damn suspicious
pair of characters they are....hanging around the rec. rooms with their
dark glasses and their violin cases."
Bones: "..yes but I wonder where they got all these jerseys from..."
Jim: [Holding one up for close examination] "ha!...by the look of them,
they've knitted them themselves........How on earth they expect ANYONE
to think they'll pass as real jerseys I don't know.."
Scotty: "Cough..."
Jim: "What's the matter Scotty?..."
Scotty: "uh...oh..nothing cap'n..." [fiddling frantically with some loose ends
of wool from his own jersey....which interestingly is yellow today
rather than his usual red.]
Bones: "Sssh!...listen...Uhura has returned to the bridge..."
[There is some cursing and swearing from below.....followed by an "aha!",
followed by the sound of an unconscious Vulcan being kicked by someone
posing as a starship's communications officer in a red dress with a very short
skirt.]
Spock: "...oooooooer....what the...uuugh...get your hands off me you evil little
man!"
Uhura: "Where are your comrades, fool??!"
Spock: "Comrades?...ah so that's it..you're some kind of pinko commie marxist
aren't you?"
Uhura: "What!?"
Spock: "It won't work you know...it all depends on properly integrating the
original class ridden social structure into a single party state where
absolute individual equality is the ideal. However, in order for this
to have some degree of control, someone has to be a leader, thus
immediately destroying the original founding principle of equality.
Mind you, past cases show categorically that this form of government
wins you more medals at the Olympic games."
Uhura: [Waving his phaser menacingly] "Look...I've had just about enough of you
...anyway I've found what I was looking for...."
Spock: "...what? the door sound mechanism?"
Uhura: "..Yes...though I must admit I'd have thought the Federation's
technology was a BIT more advanced than an old battery operated tape
recorder stuffed under a lavatory cistern...."
Spock: "Yes well, admittedly it's a bit 'low-tech' but we like it"
Uhura: "Well I can't stand around all day wasting my time with you...I'm off"
Spock: "You mean you're leaving?..."
Uhura: "...that's USUALLY what one means when one says 'I'm off'...rather than
'I'm decomposing and smelling quite badly'...obviously from the context
you can tell I didn't mean the latter."
Spock: "..Oh I dunno..."
Uhura: "....Just for that I'm going to make sure this ship and all crew on it
are blown to smithereens as soon as I beam back on to the Klingon
flagship."
Jim: "Hold it right there..." [Throwing a spare phaser across to Spock]
Spock: "Well done Captain.."
Jim: "Now drop your weapon Uhura.....and CAREFULLY put the tape recorder on the
floor...then raise your hands above your head"
Uhura: "grrr.."
Checkov: "It's just like in the movies.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Universe."
Jim: "...emm..shouldn't that be 'Nobles'?"
1st Being: "..well..no actually..'Nobless'...it's a bit embarrassing really"
Jim: "Look..we're a bit busy at the moment..." [consulting a small black book]
"...could you come back in the next episode?"
1st Being: "2 o'clock, next Wednesday?"
Jim: "Yes...we should be able to fit you in about then...I'll make a note of
that...see you then"
[The three globular beings vanish as interestingly as they arrived..]
Jim: "Right where were we?"
Checkov: "We were about to lock up this impostor in the brig until we get
to a starbase where he'll be tried for spying, hijacking, and
treason."
[There is a flash...and a puff of thick smoke...When the smoke clears, a small
pile of ash lies on the floor where Uhura once stood]
Jim: [re-holstering his phaser] "..Honestly...I just CAN'T be bothered with
damn formalities.."
*******************************************************************************
Tune in next week for a new adventure...
Will Spock be awarded an honorary degree in Politics and Social Studies?
Will Nickedyatelli and Videonasti get their knitting patterns sorted out?
Will Jim get a chance to do his log?
VAX Trek VI The Book, The Film, The Video:
"The Search For Spock"
------------------------------------------
Episode 1:
----------
Jim: "....Where's Spock?"
Sulu: "I'm sorry Captain, I don't know"
Jim: "Looks like we'll have to go and search for him again.."
[He gets up from his seat and makes for the turbolift..]
Spock: "Wait Jim...I'm over here!" [Suddenly appearing from behind a computer
cabinet]
Jim: "Ah! it's ok...we've found him."
VAX Trek VII, The Movie: "The Interesting Bit"
----------------------------------------------
Episode 1
---------
Captain's Log, Stardate 11/780.1234
-----------------------------------
For the past five days Spock has been inside the ship's computer. His exact
purpose is as yet unknown, but it sure as hell better be a good excuse because
by opening the cabinet he has annulled our maintenance warranty.
Spock: "Don't worry Jim, I've made a few modifications and I think you'll
agree they improve the overall usefulness and userfriendliness of the
system."
Jim: "Yes but it was already about as user friendly as a computer can get!
It talks in English, it can solve ANY problem you name, AND it even
beats you at 3D chess..."
Spock: "...that was one of the reasons I undertook my modifications"
Sulu: "....You vulcans always were sore losers..."
Spock: "..It's not that I'm a sore loser...I just think it's unnatural for a
computer to beat a Vulcan at chess."
Jim: "So what DID you do then?"
Spock: "Here look...I'll re-boot it"
[He types RUN and presses RETURN]
%SYSTEM-F-PHLOCK, phasers locked, unable to fire error at PC=00000617,
PSL=03C00022
%TRACE-F-TRACEBACK, symbolic stack dump follows
module name routine name line rel PC abs PC
INVADERS BOMB 9 00000017 00000617
MOVEALIENS 53 00000078 00000800
MAINLOOP 20 00000100 00000400
Spock: "..........ah....."
Jim: [Drumming his fingers impatiently on the arms of his seat....and
accidentally hitting a few important switches in the process..]
"well?"
Spock: "Just a moment...I see the problem..I think I put the wrong system
disk in.....right..it's fixed now:"
MSDOS Version 42.0
A>
Jim: "???"
Spock: "Now you can run a whole host of industry standard packages, from
word processors to spreadsheets. It's the perfect solution to your
business needs......"
Scotty: "He sounds just like a damn computer salesman..."
Spock: "....The most demanding applications are easily catered for, and should
your needs grow, the PC640000 has ample expansion capabilities. For
extra memory, just install the ..."
Jim: [Pointing his phaser at Spock] "...I want it put back the way it was
before...NOW!"
[Spock disappears inside the cabinet again and the door slams shut]
Jim: "What is up with Spock these days?"
Bones: "I don't think we're taxing his brain enough. I'll give him a going over
with my twirly thing when he comes back out."
Jim: "You do that Bones. ...Now...where was I ?.."
[Suddenly three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes..we know.....You're LATE!"
2nd Being: "We got held up ...we were creating a new galaxy and clever trousers
here put in too many carbon atoms, and we had to start all over again."
3rd Being: "It wasn't my fault....there was a misprint in the instructions"
1st Being: "..anyway...down to business....Right Kirk, we understand your
Vulcan has been acting up a bit recently? Fortunately your
Federation has a full parts and maintenance warranty with us for
upkeep of your shipboard Vulcans.."
Jim: "ah!...good! But I didn't know about any such contract?"
1st Being: "Yes well at the start of the series the Federation felt a bit
guilty about sending you off on such a dangerous mission "to boldly
go where no man has gone before", so they contacted us and paid
quite a hefty sum for our top of the range "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract. This contract includes a free Vulcan,
plus lifetime parts and maintenance guarantee.......so here we are.."
Jim: "Yes we've been having a bit of trouble with Spock recently. He's just
not been his former self. Do you think you can do anything with him?"
1st Being: "We'll give him a complete going over with our sophisticated test
equipment back at the service centre, so we'll need to take him away
for a while.."
Jim: "Be my guest.....he's in the cabinet."
[The three beings appear to concentrate for a moment, then Spock materialises
before them holding a soldering iron, and with a very bewildered look on
his face]
1st Being: "Right, if you just sign here Captain Kirk?......thank you...
now we'll be off. He should be ready next Thursday"
2nd Being: "Have a nice day"
Jim: "..ah thank you..bye"
[The three beings fade away, taking Spock with them...]
Jim: "What nice people."
Scotty: "yes....and they seem to be coming back already..look"
[Three globular entities begin to materialise in the centre of the
bridge...]
[ I bet you're thinking we filmed this special effect only once and just keep
showing the same bit again....we're not THAT cheap you know]
1st Being: "Greetings,... we are the Nurbs of Morris Minor, Guardians of the
Floating Point Exception, Supreme Nobless of the Sheep Squeezers of
Splatigan Five, and utter Overlords of the Univ...."
Jim: "Yes yes we know all that....what are you back for already?"
1st Being: "Back?..Already? You said 'come back next Wednesday at 2 o'clock'.
Admittedly we're a bit late, but we do eventually keep all our
appointments...though you can't imagine how busy it is being
utter overlords of the Universe"
Jim: "But you were here just five minutes ago"
2nd Being: "Nope, that's impossible. Five minutes ago we were at a meeting
with our subcontractors in a new black hole building project out
at Tau Cetus III."
Jim: "But you were HERE!..You came and took Spock away...our Vulcan crew
member. You know...all to do with the "Hardly Credible Amount of
Luck and Good Fortune" contract we have with you"
3rd Being: "No..that can't be right. Our records show that the contract
you mention ran out 2 and a half years ago. I distinctly remember
the representative from your Federation saying ''I'll be damned if
if I'm going to fork out THAT amount of cash to help out Kirk for
a whole five year mission''...."
1st Being: "...So we damned him anyway for a laugh.."
Jim: "....But if it wasn't YOU that took Spock away...WHO WAS IT!!!"
[They all freeze in various dramatic poses]
*************** TO BE CONTINUED ***************
Yes I know....it's stopped at a really interesting bit, but isn't that
what always happens with "To Be Continued" thingies.....You'll just have
to tune in next week to find out:
Who were those strange beings?
Is Carl Sagan a co-writer?
What will Dr.McCoy do with his twirly thing now that Spock has gone?
******************************************************************************
Any characters depicted in this series are fictional and any resemblance
to characters living or dead is purely unintentional. In fact it'd be
bloody remarkable to tell the truth.
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