(Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!ihnp4.ucsd.edu!pacbell.com!well!baldric
From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 1 of 2
Date: 16 Jun 1994 19:25:54 GMT
Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA
Lines: 805
Message-ID: <2tq902$rif@nkosi.well.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV)
BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 1 of 2
-PART-1-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of
this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.
'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the
individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
B L A C K A D D E R L O N 5 9
-------------------------------
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden
Story #2
'THE MODULATION OF AMPLA TUUD'
by Tom Golden
O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L C A S T
Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder .......... ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder)
Deputy Garibaldric ................... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder)
Dr. George Cremator .................. HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder)
Yarn Ambassador G'Whiz ............... STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder)
Cardigan Ambassador Deluxx ........... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder)
Maj. Adi Tuud ........................ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War)
Cmdr. Francis Flasheart .............. GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown)
Chief Milo Nobrain ................... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement)
Lt. Justa Duk
- Duk (Hand Puppet Symbiont) ...... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur'
- Justa (Humanoid Host) ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC)
Orlon Ambassador Light Mauve ......... (Appears via SFX)
O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L G U E S T C A S T
Ampla Tuud ........................... ESTELLE GETTY
Gonzo (cameo) ........................ KEVIN NEALON
Apto Tuud (cameo) .................... GILBERT GOTTFRIED
M I S C E L L A N E O U S P A R T S
A crowd of PEJORATIVE JOURNALISTS
A couple of sickbay ORDERLIES
Several SECURITY GUARDS and TECHNICIANS
-----------------------------------------------------
COLD OPENING
INT. AVALON CONTROL
TUUD is supervising normal operations, along with several techs.
On the viewscreen is a view of the Pejorative northern hemisphere,
with a Pejorative shuttle rising up out of the atmosphere. TUUD,
standing in the command position (front and center, facing the
viewscreen), speaks to the viewscreen.
TUUD Pejorative Shuttle 4Q2, you are cleared for
docking. Release your helm to our navigational
control.
SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
TUUD 4Q2, we do not copy, say again?
SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
TUUD Major Tuud to security -- possible hijacking,
Pejorative shuttle 4Q2.
One voice from the shuttle drowns out the others.
SFX: RECEDING AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
AMPLA(VO) Adi, is that you?
TUUD Premother Ampla? Security, cancel previous
alert.
AMPLA(VO) No, this is the spirit of the Guy Lombardo coming
to reclaim the Holy Sock. Of course it's your
premother.
A look of panic and terror comes over TUUD. GEORGE walks into Control
and, interested in what's going on, strides up behind her. TUUD,
stunned by the though of AMPLA's visit, adopts a blank smile as she
responds.
TUUD Oh, good.
TUUD turns away from the viewscreen to talk to a technician.
TUUD (Barely audible) Kill our outgoing video!
TUUD faces the viewscreen again.
AMPLA(VO) You can't see me because the pilot broke the
camera with his head after I asked him for the
headset the first time.
TUUD is on emotional autopilot; her smile is obviously superficial.
TUUD What a coincidence. We're having trouble with our
video too!
AMPLA(VO) Anyway, stooshie, it's been too long since I saw
my favorite postdaughter, so I decided to visit.
TUUD Oh, how _nice_.
AMPLA(VO) So, when do I get _off_ this crate?
TUUD bites her lip and looks around for an excuse.
TUUD (Sotto voce) Oh, spock. I need time. Of course!
(Aloud) Well, you're nearly docked, but we'll
have to do some routine safety and security
scans, which will take some time.
TUUD grimaces, bracing herself for the response to her next utterance.
TUUD Probably about an eighth-day.
AMPLA(VO) _That_ long?
TUUD grabs a large ball of loosely wadded scrap paper from a nearby
trash can and, crackling it loudly toward the viewscreen, engages in
a small subterfuge.
AMPLA(VO) Listen, I'm not a young female anymore. I could
die here waiting! Can't you make an exception
for your own --
TUUD Premother Ampla? I can't hear you. You're
breaking up. Why don't we continue this
conversation when you come on board --
AMPLA(VO) Don't cut me off! I won't stand for it! The
last time your mother did that, I ripped --
TUUD AVALON out.
TUUD motions for the comm link with the shuttle to be cut, and goes over
to her station and slumps in her chair.
GEORGE Major, what's going on? Trouble with the
shuttle?
TUUD Yes and no. My premother, my, my, what's the
word, my _grand_mother has decided to pay me a
surprise visit.
GEORGE is visibly mentally struggling to avoid being punched out as
a result of what he is about to say.
GEORGE I, well, don't want to, ruffle your, err,
metaphoric feathers, but I was wondering, if --
TUUD Spit it out, George.
GEORGE Well, has Pejorative genetics bestowed upon her,
a, aaahh, _similar_ disposition to, errrrm, your
own?
TUUD She _is_ my grandmother. What do you think?
GEORGE Oh.
TUUD Actually, George, I'm lying --
GEORGE Oh?
TUUD Yes. Don't get me wrong; I love my premother
dearly. My whole family does. But we _do_ all
live in fear of her. Y'see, she's a legislator,
and the head of the major opposition political
party. And you don't want to know how
_Pejorative_ she had to be to get there.
GEORGE Oh, dear.
TUUD Oh, spocking spock.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
OPENING CREDITS
EFX: EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND PEJOR, LOOKING OUTWARD
A bright red star shines in the distance. The first 8 notes of the
'Blackadder' theme repeat a la 'STAR TREK' intro. An audibly elderly
Garibaldric narrates.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Space. The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest
place there is. Really. I should know, I was
dumped there.
An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left,
appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward
our right. We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward...
EFX: EXT. AVALON 59
A large, dark gray Thermos-bottle in space, floating horizontally and
rotating along its central core.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) This is the story of AVALON 59, one of the last
of the SpaceBases built by the United Planets,
Universal and Galactic, or 'UNPLUG'.
AVALON 59 was the last, best chance to sit around,
do nothing and collect lots of goldless pratinum
from all the governments who sent ambassadors.
As the name implies, there were 58 AVALONs before...
EFX: EXT. ORBITING SPACE STATION EXPLODING
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Nineteen blew up...
EFX: EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION
A partially completed skeleton of another space station.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Fourteen were only partially built, and then
stripped by galactic hoodlums...
INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE
A large, plush room. An alien conducts an auction sale of the
lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling
viewport at the rear of the lounge.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Eleven were reposessed and sold at auction...
EFX: EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH
Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans,
wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because
nobody could figure out how to get them to their
destination, the neutral planet Pejor. The third
actually fell out of orbit and became a Florida
tourist attraction.
EFX: EXT. SPACE
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later
seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones.
But that's just a rumor...
EFX: EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING
GARIBALDRIC(VO) AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an
ark carrying people calling themselves
Golgafrinchams, in an incident whose
improbability was later described as infinite.
EFX: EXT. AVALON 59
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER, GEORGE, G'WHIZ AND DELUXX.
SOMETHING NEXT TO BLACKADDER HAS BEEN TORN OUT OF THE PICTURE
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without
mentioning me mates... Edmund Blackadder, Dr.
George Cremator, Ambassador G'Whiz of the
Yarn Republic, and the Cardigan Empire's ambas-
sador Deluxx.
As if this is all an animation setup, two grubby hands move in to restore
the torn-out spot on the photograph -- Garibaldric's picture.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) And that's me, Garibaldric. I'm a shapeshifter.
But I'm not very good at it. I was trying to be
a turnip in this picture. But I ended up looking
like some Earth prat.
AVALON 59. Light-years of great parking, deck
after deck of really cool shopping and loads of
wet kisses and messy intrigue.
The background music kicks off into BLACKADDER theme while the series logo
and credits roll like every other boring old TV show.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT I
INT. OFFICERS MESS -- DINNERTIME
Cmdr. FLASHEART, BLACKADDER and GEORGE, in their UNPLUG dress uniforms,
await the arrival of TUUD and AMPLA for dinner. FLASHEART is visibly
nervous and fidgety.
FLASHEART So, tell me again, Blackadder, why am I here?
BLACKADDER Well, sir, several unfortunate circumstances
involving your mother, father, and the failure of
certain contraceptive devices --
FLASHEART Blackadder!
BLACKADDER My apologies, sir. I couldn't resist such an
open-ended question.
FLASHEART Try harder next time, mister.
BLACKADDER We are all here tonight at the request of Major
Tuud. It seems her grandmother has arrived for
a sudden and unexpected visit.
FLASHEART So?
BLACKADDER Major Tuud's grandmother is a prominent
opposition legislator on Pejor.
FLASHEART I see. Suck up time. Expand our options.
BLACKADDER Precisely.
GEORGE You should have seen the Major earlier today when
she found out. She actually turned pale and had
to sit down for a while. Y'know, I've never seen
a Pejorative that frightened before.
FLASHEART Major Tuud? Frightened?
BLACKADDER Sir, there is an old saying that the only thing
more terrifying and unpleasant than a Pejorative
is his mother. And I would expect it to be
appropriately multiplied when used in reference
to a grandmother, and further exponentiated for
one who is also a politician.
FLASHEART grabs BLACKADDER's uniform.
FLASHEART What have you gotten me into this time,
Blackadder? I don't need any more fear or terror.
I don't even need mild discomfort. I don't even
want a hint of unpleasantness. At this point,
bad breath could send me over the edge. I'm at
the threshold. I c-c-can see the abyss in front
of me. It's beckoning me. 'Francis! Francis!
Come to me! Let me envelop you in my oblivion!'
BLACKADDER George!
FLASHEART George!
GEORGE Right!
GEORGE injects tranquilizer into FLASHEART.
GEORGE How's that?
FLASHEART gradually relaxes and lets go of BLACKADDER's uniform.
FLASHEART Better. Thanks, George. Where's Chief Nobrain and
Lt. Duk?
BLACKADDER The computer informs us that Chief Nobrain is not
on the base. Furthermore it is adamant that he
does not and never has existed here, or anywhere
within UNPLUG territory for that matter. While
this would, of course, be a relief if only it
were true, I am certain it is a ruse he has
concocted as a means of evading his social
duties.
FLASHEART What're you doing about it?
BLACKADDER I've assigned my deputy Garibaldric to find him.
One whiff and the chief will be begging to return
to duty. As for our erstwhile science officer,
at last report, she was trapped in her closet --
FLASHEART Well, what are you standing here for? Go get her
out, man!
BLACKADDER Sir, I'm afraid you misunderstand. She is
ensnared only by her own inability to decide what
to wear tonight.
FLASHEART But we always wear dress uniforms to these
occasions.
BLACKADDER Sir, if I may say so, your stunning display of
logic underscores UNPLUG's wisdom in appointing
you our leader.
TUUD (in Pejorative dress uniform) and AMPLA enter.
TUUD Commander Flasheart, this is my grandmother, and
member of the Pejorative governing assembly,
Ampla Tuud.
AMPLA Please, don't make a fuss. I'm just here to
visit my stooshie.
FLASHEART and BLACKADDER show puzzlement at the term 'stooshie'.
TUUD Stooshie is a term of endearment.
GEORGE Hmmm, that's not what my Pejorative medical
textbooks say. A 'stooshie' is a particularly
vile and nasty native parasite. It (gestures)
burrows into your abdomen and sucks out all your
digestive fluids through your stomach! Then it
clamps onto your spinal column and makes you
do the hustle until you die of terminal
embarassment!
TUUD Yes! Yes, you're right, but Premother is using
the secondary meaning.
GEORGE Sorry, I guess we're all just a little nervous.
AMPLA Don't be nervous! I just want you to think of me
as my little Adi's premother. Don't give a
thought to the fact that I could be the next
leader of that little mudball you're in orbit
around.
FLASHEART extends his hand to AMPLA.
FLASHEART On behalf of UNPLUG, allow me to welcome you to
AVALON 59.
AMPLA eyes FLASHEART's hand for a moment, then his face.
AMPLA (To TUUD) Hmmph. Seems too small. If I caught
something like him, I'd throw him back --
AMPLA finally shakes hands with FLASHEART.
AMPLA Eeuuuhhh, what a worm! Gimme a napkin so's I can
wipe his sweat off my hand.
FLASHEART, already nervous, tries again to exchange pleasantries.
FLASHEART Adi has told us a lot about you.
AMPLA You liar! No self-respecting Pejorative _ever_
talks about her family to outsiders if she can
help it. So you're a worm and a liar.
FLASHEART (To BLACKADDER and GEORGE) OK, that's it, I fold.
Your turn, Constable. George, I need another
hit.
GEORGE Aye, sir.
GEORGE and FLASHEART walk over to a convenient corner, where GEORGE
administers the medication. BLACKADDER moves into position to greet
AMPLA.
AMPLA So, who are you?
TUUD This is Edmund Blackadder, our chief of security.
BLACKADDER takes a breath, collects his thoughts, then speaks.
BLACKADDER Madam, I would _like_ to say that it is a pleasure
to meet you, but it would, in fact, be an
_utter_lie_. In fact, you are the most
unpleasant old crone it has been my misfortune to
encounter, and, given the number of unpleasant
old crones I've been forced to encounter over my
lifetime, _that's_ saying something.
TUUD, visibly shaken by BLACKADDER's forthrightness, faints.
AMPLA Now, here's a man who speaks his mind. I like
that. Whatsamatter with him, stooshie? He's
got spocks! If I were younger. Well, if I were
younger, we'd be playing 'Caves and Seasnakes',
if you get my drift.
BLACKADDER smiles, as if he is flattered by AMPLA's compliment.
BLACKADDER I seriously doubt it.
AMPLA finally notices that TUUD has fainted.
AMPLA Stooshie? Stooshie? Hmmph. No spocks. Y'know,
Eddie, she was always the weak one. No spocks at
all. Nothing like her sisters. Oh, she'd cry
at the drop of a sock.
BLACKADDER Really? How interesting! You must tell me more!
AMPLA, in typical Pejorative fashion, grabs BLACKADDER's arm and they
step together over TUUD as they move over to the dining table.
AMPLA Oh, the stories I could tell about little Adi.
Y'know when she was young, she used to...
FLASHEART (Obviously sedated) George, I'm gonna have a
little lie-down now. Why don't you look after
the Major?
FLASHEART falls like a feather to the floor.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT II
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING
BLACKADDER is, as usual, sipping his morning cuppa, and looking over
security printouts and files. GARIBALDRIC walks in from an adjoining
room.
GARIBALDRIC Good morning, sir!
BLACKADDER What's so good about it, you galactic gelatin?
GARIBALDRIC Well, now that you mention it, nothing, actually.
I suppose I could have said, 'Average morning,
sir' or 'Absolutely nothing special about this
morning, sir'. How about, 'Totally unoriginal
morning, sir'.
BLACKADDER How about 'Shut your simulated gob, you brain-
dead pillock, before I run you through an
extruder and cut up the output to form the
letters J-E-L-L-O'.
GARIBALDRIC Naaah, I couldn't say that. Your mouth isn't
simulated.
BLACKADDER (sigh) Well, Garibaldric, now that we have spent
fully five minutes on your feeble attempt at a
simple pleasantry, do you have anything of value
to communicate, or do you just want me to use
this (pulls nasty-looking device out of his desk)
laser scalpel to cut you into cubes of shape-
shifter tofu?
GARIBALDRIC Well, actually, sir, this communique just
arrived. It seems that a couple of Pejorative
by-elections were held yesterday, and the
opposition candidates pulled off a major upset.
BLACKADDER So?
GARIBALDRIC The opposition now has the majority of seats in
the Pejorative assembly.
BLACKADDER Ahhhh, and that makes Major Tuud's grandmother --
Garibaldric reads from the text.
GARIBALDRIC -- 'the new Supreme Bitch of Pejor'.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric!
GARIBALDRIC It's a Pejorative term.
BLACKADDER So I've gathered! Kindly use less derogatory
language.
GARIBALDRIC No, no, the Pejorative assembly is actually
called 'The House of Bitches' --
BLACKADDER Thank you, Garibaldric; just use the term
'parliament' from now on.
GARIBALDRIC I'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.
BLACKADDER Why not?
GARIBALDRIC You don't want to know what the word 'parliament'
means in Pejorative.
INT. AVALON PROMENADE -- MORNING
AMPLA, shopping and providing a photo-op for an entourage of Pejorative
news-blatters (press), strolls down the Promenade accompanied by
GEORGE and FLASHEART.
JOURNALISTS IN CROWD (calling out)
Hey-you! Hey-you!
FLASHEART is stunned by their lack of restraint.
FLASHEART Have you no respect? This is the new leader of
your planet!
Journalist GONZO speaks up.
GONZO Hey, 'PLUGger, I got your respect RIGHT HERE!
(gestures) 'Hey-you' is how she's supposed to be
addressed, kinda like your 'Prime Minister'.
FLASHEART Oh. My mistake. Sorry.
AMPLA Gonzo, Leave the 'PLUGger alone. He's sucking up
to me, okay?
JOURNALIST Hey, sucking up to you doesn't demonstrate high
intelligence on his part.
AMPLA It certainly didn't when _you_ were doing it.
(Turning to FLASHEART) Ignore him. He's nobody
important. Just one of my former spin doctors.
He's just unhappy because after I fired him, I
called his new boss and got him posted here
permanently. Anyway, you were saying?
FLASHEART I was pointing out the Godiva chocolate store.
Are you familiar with the Earth delicacy
chocolate?
AMPLA Yeah, keep that stuff away from me. I've seen
old vids of that sad Earth guy dressed up like a
flying animal. He takes a spoonful and then
jumps around like a pogo-worm, screaming "I'm
high on chocolate! I'm high on chocolate!"
AMPLA starts toward the next shop; GEORGE and FLASHEART and the crowd
follow.
GEORGE Errm, aahhh, Oh yes, I remember that! No, that's
"I'm cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs! I'm cuckoo for
Cocoa-Puffs!"
FLASHEART George, stop that. You're scaring me. I
remember that from my history books. The Great
Kellogg Corn Flake-Out of '73. Clandestine cereal
bonfires. The Post-Purina Purge of '75.
GEORGE Who would have thought that toasting extruded
mashed grains, sugar and other chemicals, would
produce such a dangerous stimulant? I'll never
forget the vid of my grandparents bringing out
carton after carton of Frosted Weetabix to toss
on the bonfire.
FLASHEART They burned all the classics. Froot Loops.
Count Chocula. Cap'n Crunch. Trix. Super
Hi-Corn-Fructose Crisp. Fortunately, they saved
some of the back panels of the boxes, so we
haven't lost _all_ the works of the old masters.
GEORGE Speaking of breakfast, why don't we get some
here!
The sign above the shop reads:
I - G H O B
INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF BANCAKES [TM]
AMPLA looks inside at what's being served.
AMPLA They look like fried, pureed swampgrass pucks.
Speaking of purges, they make _me_ want to purge.
GEORGE Oh, now, they're really quite smashing,
especially with a little bit of oznabrag
marmalade on the side.
Ambassadors DELUXX, G'WHIZ and LIGHT MAUVE enter.
AMPLA (To GEORGE) Who's the albino tramp?
FLASHEART That's the Cardigan ambassador.
AMPLA And we wanted _them_ to annex us? Sheesh!
G'WHIZ Esteemed Hey-you Tuud, allow me, on behalf of the
YARN Republic to extend my conGRATulations to
you on the occasion of your ascention to the
office of SuPREME B--
DELUXX delivers a hard elbow jab to G'Whiz.
G'WHIZ -- er, LEADer of PeJOR.
AMPLA Who the spock are you? You look like a cross
between an alligator and a pipe cleaner.
G'WHIZ bows theatrically.
G'WHIZ I am G'Whiz, AVALON's Ambassador from the Yarn
Republic, at your service. Pepto-BISmol to you.
MAUVE does, well, as close to a bow as you can do if you're encased in
a large upside-down ice-cream cone.
MAUVE I AM LIGHT MAUVE AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON
COLLECTION
AMPLA For a moment I thought you were an automated
banking machine.
DELUXX curtsies.
DELUXX And I am Deluxx, of the Cardigan Empire. On
behalf of my fellow diplomats, I wish to
apologize for not contacting you sooner. We've
only just now heard the news.
AMPLA So you three are diplomats.
G'WHIZ, DELUX and MAUVE
Yes.
AMPLA So, go on, start sucking up to me. Isn't that
what you diplomats do?
G'WHIZ May I just say, how, well, presiDENtial you look.
Just like the finest bone china place setting on
my home world.
AMPLA My house plants can do better than that.
MAUVE YOUR POLITICAL ACUMEN IS THE PALEST LIGHT PASTEL
BLUE --
DELUXX waves her arms in front of G'WHIZ and MAUVE, cutting them off.
DELUXX Boys, let me handle this.
DELUXX places her hands on her hips and lowers the pitch of her voice
from 'sweet and diplomatic' mode straight to 'tough' mode.
DELUXX OK, what'll it take to keep _you_ from trying to
blackmail us into annexing Pejor?
AMPLA You got spocks.
AMPLA turns to GEORGE.
AMPLA Forget what I said. She's not a tramp. She's
got spocks.
AMPLA turns back to DELUXX.
AMPLA I'll get back to you after I take charge.
G'WHIZ And when will that happy day be?
AMPLA In a couple of weeks. I figure I'll let 'em stew
down on Pejor for a while -- make 'em wait for
me.
G'WHIZ Oh, STEW! How GLORious!
GEORGE That seems a little rude, don't you think?
AMPLA Pejor to George. Pejor to George. Reality
calling. What's the point of having power if you
don't use it?
Suddenly, a maniac with a Rasta wig, green face paint and Yarn garb
breaks through the crowd and shoots AMPLA at point-blank range with
a stun-gun.
ASSASSIN Die, Meat-grinder!
FLASHEART and G'WHIZ lunge forward to catch him, but he is too fast and
disappears down a corridor. DELUXX and GEORGE comfort AMPLA, who tries
to speak.
AMPLA Must have been a sore loser.
GEORGE speaks to his comm bracelet.
GEORGE Medical emergency, promenade, stat!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
-END-PART-1-OF-2----CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!ihnp4.ucsd.edu!pacbell.com!well!baldric
From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 2 of 2
Date: 17 Jun 1994 17:17:09 GMT
Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA
Lines: 814
Message-ID: <2tslql$hrg@nkosi.well.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV)
BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 2 of 2
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of
this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.
'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the
individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-PART-2-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
ACT III
INT. SICKBAY -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON
AMPLA lays unconscious on an intensive care bed, her vital
signs being monitored by sensors which sound like not only a bass
guitar, but a whole rhythm section. BLACKADDER, GEORGE, FLASHEART and
TUUD look on from behind the window between the sickbay and the
waiting room.
INT. SICKBAY WAITING ROOM
BLACKADDER, GEORGE and TUUD brood while FLASHEART borders on hysteria.
FLASHEART Here lies Francis Tiberius Flasheart. He tried
to follow in his brother's footsteps and got
stepped on. You know what they'll do. First,
they'll courtmartial me, then they'll draw and
quarter me and pack me into little cans and sell
me as dog food! Hahahahahahahahaha! But I'm not
going alone. Nosiree! I'm taking you ALL with
me! There'll be George flavor dog food, and
Blackadder flavor dog food, and --
GEORGE Sir, you're getting a bit tense again.
GEORGE quickly injects FLASHEART with some tranquilizer. FLASHEART
immediately relaxes.
FLASHEART Oooooh, birdies!
FLASHEART drops to the floor. George tabs a small viewscreen/keypad
embedded in the wall.
GEORGE Nurse, The commander has had another of his fits.
Would you check to see that his usual room in
sickbay is ready and bring a stretcher and the
double-strength restraining jacket? We don't
want a repeat of last time.
GEORGE removes his finger from the keypad and shakes his head.
GEORGE Dreadful. Dropping like flies. Simply dreadful.
A couple of ORDERLIES pick up FLASHEART and carry him off.
BLACKADDER But, fortunately, George, no one has died, in
spite of your care.
TUUD You mean she'll survive?
GEORGE Oh, yes, of course. She'll be unconscious for a
while longer, but she'll be good as new in a
couple of days.
TUUD That's a relief.
GEORGE Y'know, I really should have studied Pejorative
culture in greater depth. For example, until
today, I had no idea that most Pejorative
clothing is resistant to fire from most
stun-guns.
BLACKADDER Yes, well, we are all appropriately thankful for
that Ripleyesque tidbit, believe it or not.
GEORGE Y'know, Edmund, I just noticed something strange.
BLACKADDER Oh? You passed a mirror?
GEORGE No! I mean, where are all the Pejorative
journalists? Shouldn't we have been overrun
with them by now?
TUUD Oh, didn't you hear? I instituted a press
blackout.
BLACKADDER (Disdain and mock admiration) Of course, they
didn't know they were being blacked out, did
they?
TUUD I told them to gather on the shuttle 4Q2 for a
press conference. Then, I shut the door and
auto-launched them back to the planet. In my
opinion, the only good news-blatter is a deaf
one.
BLACKADDER Major, did it ever occur to you that the assassin
might have been on the shuttle, and that you just
set him free?
TUUD (Surprise) I hadn't thought of that.
BLACKADDER And that, my dear Major Tuud, is why I run
security and you storm about in your jackboots,
striking macho postures and engaging in random
acts of wanton destruction with Chief Nobrain.
DELUXX enters, minimally acknowledging the others and walking straight
up to BLACKADDER.
DELUXX Well, hello, tall, dark and duty-bound. I've got
something for you.
DELUXX opens her mouth ...
BLACKADDER Aaah'ghahd, not that prehensile inner tongue of
yours again...
We look at DELUXX again, and see that she has a Trivial Pursuit card on
her tongue. She slowly peels it off, grabs BLACKADDER's hand, places the
card in his palm, and wraps his hand around it.
DELUXX If anyone asks where you got it, just tell them
you were just squeezing it in your hand. Ta!
DELUXX exits past GEORGE, whose jaw has dropped, and a smirking,
eyebrow-arching TUUD. TUUD picks up a convenient sickbay towel...
TUUD Looks like you need to towel off, Constable.
...and throws it to BLACKADDER.
TUUD Here.
BLACKADDER Even though your grandmother is hovering between
life and death, you can find time to engage in
male bonding rituals with the less butch members
of the crew. Tell me, when grandma over there
finally snuffs it, are you going to have her
stuffed and mounted, or just dump her in a
Pejorative Neptune Society maggot bin?
TUUD Blackadder! You just don't get it. I'm tough.
I'm Pejorative.
GEORGE Y'got that right!
TUUD We're fighters. We're roarers. We're pukers.
BLACKADDER You're bonkers.
TUUD That too. We're hardened to the realities of the
galaxy.
BLACKADDER You're crass, insensitive, cheap, cruel and noisy.
And, despite the fact that I find women with any three
of those elements sexually irresistible, you somehow
still manage to repel me in the most basic way.
TUUD We're-we're ...
First one tear falls down TUUD's cheek, then another, then a river.
TUUD We're full of it!
TUUD, sobbing, runs out of the sickbay.
BLACKADDER George, when you can drop a Pejorative at ten paces
armed only with your native intelligence and your
tongue, you can laugh in the face of fear. Drop
your trousers and moon terror.
GEORGE Or plant a 'Kick Me Hard' sign on the back of the Grim
Reaper himself?
BLACKADDER Quite.
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THAT EVENING
BLACKADDER, finishing dinner at his desk, is looking over the Trivial
Pursuit card.
BLACKADDER 'What do Ampla Tuud and Lyndon B. Johnson have
in common?' Deluxx must be growing tired of
dessicating me through sex, and is now intent
upon exhausting me mentally.
BLACKADDER leans back. TUUD, standing outside, gets his attention.
He pushes a button, opening the door to his office. TUUD enters.
BLACKADDER Yes?
TUUD I just wanted you to know that, well, when I left
sickbay, I wasn't crying.
BLACKADDER Of course not.
TUUD I-I had something in my eye.
BLACKADDER Well, if you had a medical problem, I would understand
your desire to get away from Dr. George's sickbay
at all costs.
TUUD I went back a little while ago. She looks so...
vulnerable. So peaceful.
BLACKADDER Absolutely nothing like real life.
TUUD When my parents died, she raised my sisters and me.
Have I ever told you about when I was a little
girl on Pejor --
BLACKADDER No, and I don't really want to know. Good
evening.
TUUD Blackadder! Don't shut me out like that!
BLACKADDER Look, if you're going to open up to me and demon-
strate how sensitive you've become since you
started working with us spockless humans, and how
it's made you a better Pejorative, I'll use this
(opens drawer and pulls out a meat tenderizing hammer)
meat tenderizer I found in my desk to test how
sensitive you really are.
TUUD (Sobbing) I'm sorry. I-I--
BLACKADDER Yes, come on, spit it out.
TUUD pulls out a handkerchief from her pocket and dabs at her eyes.
She puts the handkerchief back in her pocket, much to BLACKADDER's
surprise.
BLACKADDER For a moment, I thought you were going to blow.
TUUD Premother Ampla really likes you. She said she thought
you had real spocks.
BLACKADDER How comforting. I presume you told her how unlikely it
is that she will ever get to see them, in or out of
their natural habitat?
TUUD What I mean is, she said that I misjudged you.
BLACKADDER (Sneering) You have no idea of the pain I suffered at
the thought that you hadn't taken the time to know
the real me.
TUUD You're not going to make this easy, are you.
BLACKADDER Would you?
TUUD I-I guess not. Look, there's something I think you
ought to know. It's not easy for me to say this, but --
TUUD is cut off by the ringing of BLACKADDER's viewscreen.
BLACKADDER Saved by the bell!
BLACKADDER presses the viewscreen-answer button. GEORGE appears onscreen.
BLACKADDER What do you want, George?
GEORGE It's Ampla Tuud. Ambassador G'Whiz, or a Yarn dressed
like him, came in here just now and, well, he forked
her.
BLACKADDER Language!
GEORGE No, no, forked her! Took a fork and stabbed her with
it. Repeatedly! He screamed something about a
sausage-maker or or some such.
BLACKADDER We're on our way.
BLACKADDER turns off the viewscreen, and he and TUUD rush out the door.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT IV
INT. SECURITY INTERROGATION ROOM, LATER THAT EVENING
BLACKADDER and G'WHIZ sit opposite each other at a table. On the table
in front of BLACKADDER is a place setting of exquisite-looking china.
On the plate is a serving of yummy salad; a bowl of soup is on standby
on his right and a piece of pie on his left. G'WHIZ, handcuffed to his
chair and illuminated by a very bright spotlight coming from behind
BLACKADDER, is on the edge of hysteria. They have apparently been
at this for a couple of hours.
G'WHIZ But I SWEAR to you, Constable, I was in my quarters
when it happened.
BLACKADDER I'd like to believe you.
G'WHIZ Look, if I had DONE it, I'd just claim DIPloMATic
imMUNity and BUGger off back to the Yarn home world!
I subMITted to this because I want to PROVE my
INNOcence!
BLACKADDER Of course, of course. Now, let's go over the details
one more time, while I eat this salad. Hmmm, which
fork do I use? (Picks up a spoon) This one, I think!
BLACKADDER picks at the salad with the spoon. G'WHIZ is so appalled at
this blatant flaunting of table manners that he starts to break down.
G'WHIZ No, not that! The fork! The FORK!
BLACKADDER I think I'll have dessert as my first course!
G'WHIZ NOOOOOOOO!
BLACKADDER Confess! Confess!
G'WHIZ I CONFESS! I CONFESS! I've used monoSOdium GLUtamate
on occasion!
BLACKADDER You did what?
G'WHIZ (Sobbing) I've served MEAT even though I acciDENtally
dropped it on the FLOOR during preparation. I-I've
used FROZEN vegetables even when FRESH ones were
available. I've mixed up the SALad and DINner
forks. And gotten aWAY with it, until NOW!
BLACKADDER Go on.
G'WHIZ (Blubbering) I-I like Chicken McNUGgets, even though I
don't know what's in them! And, and, I preFER FRYing TO
FLAME BROILing! (Breaks down)
BLACKADDER All right, I'm satisfied. You're not guilty.
BLACKADDER gets up, walks over to G'WHIZ and unlocks his handcuffs.
BLACKADDER You're free to go. Now, get out of here, you, you,
McNugget fancier!
G'WHIZ, stung by the words 'McNugget fancier', starts blubberring again
as he exits. BLACKADDER leans back in his chair and smiles.
BLACKADDER Some days the job is its own reward.
INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING
GEORGE is filling out electronic paperwork when his viewscreen rings.
SFX: 'WOOF-WOOF-WOOF'S FROM ARSENIO HALL SHOW
GEORGE Oh crikey, who is it now?
GEORGE answers the viewscreen. BLACKADDER is calling.
GEORGE Yes, Edmund?
BLACKADDER How's the patient?
GEORGE It was touch-and-go for a while, but we managed
to stabilize her condition. She had a quiet
night. I still say she'll recover. However, if
she tries to drink liquids, she may irrigate the
Promenade instead!
BLACKADDER George!
GEORGE Sorry, just a little bedside humor. Don't worry,
she's a real fighter. She isn't that easy to
kill.
BLACKADDER It's only appropriate that she's attended to by a
physician who isn't that easy to take.
GEORGE Any clues on the, errm, 'meat-grinder' reference?
BLACKADDER Not yet. Don't worry, though, If I find
anything, I assure you that you'll be the last
to know.
GEORGE Meat-grinder. Damn strange thing to say, don't
you think? What does it mean, I wonder?
BLACKADDER I don't know. But I believe that everything in
this universe has some meaning, apart from
Garibaldric's existence and your medical degree,
of course. Blackadder out.
The viewscreen goes blank. GEORGE smiles, then adopts the puzzled
expression of a really dim individual who believes he just may have
been insulted, but he's not sure how.
SFX: DOORBELL
GEORGE Come!
G'WHIZ enters.
G'WHIZ Pepto-BISmol and a hearty breakfast greeting to you,
Doctor George. Can you spare a moment?
GEORGE Absolutely. Is that about that, errm, nasty complaint
from a while back?
G'WHIZ Oh, no, no, and I haven't seen THOSE females since you
administered my CURE.
GEORGE Glad to hear it. Well, then, what did you want to see
me about?
G'WHIZ I was WONdering if you happened to acquire a new
ORderly within the past few revoLUtions.
INT. COMMANDER'S CONFERENCE ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING
FLASHEART, somewhat rested and recovered, chairs the meeting. BLACKADDER,
GEORGE, TUUD, NOBRAIN and JUSTA DUK are in attendance.
FLASHEART As you all know, there have been two attempts on
Madame Tuud in the past twenty-four hours. I've
called this meeting to determine two things:
first, who is going to take the blame for this
instead of me; and second, how I can get back to
Earth before UNPLUG Central hears about this.
BLACKADDER Sir, if I may, I think it would be more prudent
to discuss how to get Madame Tuud off the station
and back to Pejor.
NOBRAIN How about we give her a parachute and seal her in
a large waste disposal pod, fasten some solid
rockets to it, light 'em and watch her go! I can
have it put together and ready in two hours.
BLACKADDER Chief, and I mean this with the highest regard
for your technical skills, I invite you to do us
all a favor and beat yourself senseless with your
spanner, at your earliest possible convenience.
George, is Madame Tuud well enough to be
transported back home in a medical shuttle?
GEORGE Well --
TUUD Wait! Isn't anyone trying to find out who did
this?
JUSTA She's, like, Pejorative, isn't she? I mean,
like, who cares?
TUUD Is she serious? Are you serious? Are you
telling me that you officers, and blonde
symbo-bimbos, from the great United Planets
Universal and Galactic are more concerned with
covering your spocks than seeing that justice is
done? Do you all really feel that way?
FLASHEART, BLACKADDER, GEORGE, JUSTA, NOBRAIN in unison
Yes, absolutely!
NOBRAIN It's just a job. We get paid on Thursdays.
GEORGE Acutally, though, I must admit that I am just a
bit curious about that 'Meat-grinder' reference.
TUUD Meat-grinder?
FLASHEART Both times the perp called your grandmother
'Meat-grinder'.
TUUD Is that what this is all about? Meat-grinder?
That's my premother's nickname, from the war!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT V
INT. CORRIDOR
BLACKADDER and GARIBALDRIC are walking down the corridor.
GARIBALDRIC Sir, you'll be pleased to know I finally located
Chief Nobrain.
BLACKADDER (Sighs) I'm going to regret this. Where did you
find him?
GARIBALDRIC In the Commander's conference room, just now.
BLACKADDER Nothing gets by you, does it, Garibaldric?
GARIBALDRIC I do my best, sir!
They pass by a door marked 'ROUND ROOM'. BLACKADDER opens the door.
BLACKADDER Ah, we've arrived. Garibaldric, go in that room and
sit in the corner until I come back.
GARIBALDRIC Will do, sir!
GARIBALDRIC enters the round room.
GARIBALDRIC Sir, there doesn't appear to be a corner!
BLACKADDER Right first time!
BLACKADDER slams the door shut and locks it.
BLACKADDER Now to get some real work done.
COMPUTER(VO) Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting.
Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting.
BLACKADDER reaches for his comm bracelet, which he then realizes he
is not wearing. He then ducks into a nearby courtesy viewscreen booth.
BLACKADDER If only AVALON were important, they'd have issued
lapel-pin communicators you don't forget to put on.
(To viewscreen) This is Edmund Blackadder.
COMPUTER(VO) Prepare for retinal scan.
BLACKADDER Damn security measures. When I meet the inventor of
this atrocity, I'm going to --
A small mechanical eye on a metal arm pops out from beside the viewscreen.
It gyrates around the cabinet as it searches for BLACKADDER's right eye.
Having located its quarry, it blinks a couple of times, beeps and emits a
red beam at BLACKADDER's pupil for a second or two.
COMPUTER(VO) Retinal scan confirmed. Password?
BLACKADDER (Sotto voce) Aah'ghad. Ahem. (Speaking voice) My path
is strewn with cowpads from the Devil's own satanic herd!
COMPUTER(VO) Password accepted. Standby to begin call.
GEORGE appears on the viewscreen. He's looking away from his viewscreen
and playing with some stupid executive toy like he's been on hold for quite
a while.
BLACKADDER Yes, George?
GEORGE (Surprised) Oh! I forgot. Errm, ahhh, oh yes.
I thought you ought to know immediately. Madame
Tuud has gone, well, missing from sickbay.
BLACKADDER Is there anything else you want me to know before
I kill you, cut you up into little pieces and
serve you with fava beans and just a pinch of
garlic?
GEORGE Errm, I don't know. Can you give me a hint?
BLACKADDER George, how LONG has she been missing?
GEORGE Oh, about ten minutes or so. I called your
office, but nobody was there.
BLACKADDER So, why didn't you initiate a security alarm
yourself?
GEORGE Well, that's the tricky bit. Errrm, I, ahh,
forgot my password, you see.
BLACKADDER George, you have a mind like a sieve, with a
great big hole in it out of which great massive
clumps fall with a loud 'shplut' to the ground
below.
COMPUTER (VO from George's office)
Password accepted. Security alert. Security alert.
GEORGE Of course, I remember now! That's my password!
BLACKADDER Aah'ghad! Einstein was wrong. The only constant
in the universe is the rate at which karmic dung
falls upon my head!
INT. AVALON CONTROL
COMPUTER (VO) Security alert. Security alert.
TUUD Turn off that damned security alert, I can't hear
myself think!
TECHNICIAN Major, UNPLUG shuttle _Nirvana_ is departing without
authorization from Bay Nine.
TUUD Punch up Bay Nine on the viewscreen and shut the
doors.
TUUD mouse-clicks a couple of points on her workstation.
TUUD Shuttle _Nirvana_, This is AVALON 59. Return to base
immediately.
TECHNICIAN Too late.
TUUD Damn! Lock on with tractor beams. Bring it back.
TECHNICIAN Tractor?
The TECHNICIAN shrugs, then mouse-clicks a few times on the workstation.
EFX: EXT. OUTSIDE BAY NINE
The escaping shuttle is flying toward our POV. AVALON 59 floats in
the distance.
Close-up to a small door near Bay Nine. The door slides open. A large
horseshoe magnet connected to a heavy-duty metal chain is ejected from
the door, flies quickly through space, and attaches to the shuttle with a
metallic 'thunk'. A couple of metal plates fold out of the sides of the
horseshoe magnet, along with little nozzles marked SUPER-GLUE. The nozzles
spray superglue onto the ship, and the metal plates make contact with the
surface.
INT. AVALON CONTROL
The AVALON Control Viewscreen shows the view from a camera positioned near
Bay Nine. We see the chain being automatically rolled up and the shuttle
being pulled back.
TECHNICIAN Tractor locked on.
TUUD Good. Pull 'em back in. I'm going to Bay Nine.
Contact Blackadder and have him meet me there.
INT. BAY NINE
Shuttle _Nirvana_ rests on the pad, doors closed, surrounded by SECURITY
GUARDS. TUUD enters.
TUUD Ok, boys, open 'er up.
One of the SECURITY GUARDS presses some buttons next to the back door
of the shuttle. An eyeball like the one from the courtesy phone pops
out from the panel and scans the guard. A moment passes, then the
back door opens up to reveal a totally empty cabin. TUUD peers in,
then enters the shuttle.
TUUD Look! On the accelerator! A brick!
BLACKADDER, sneaks up behind TUUD and looks over her shoulder.
BLACKADDER Brick on the accelerator. The oldest trick in
the book. (Touching comm bracelet) Security
console, AVALON control.
BLACKADDER waits for the light on the comm bracelet to go from red to
green, indicating that the connection has been made.
BLACKADDER It appears that Madame Tuud has decided to leave
us ahead of schedule. Seal off the station.
Blackadder out. (To Tuud) She won't get far.
TUUD Premother? I don't understand.
BLACKADDER George informed me that your dear grandmother left
sickbay a little while ago.
TUUD How do you know she wasn't kidnapped?
BLACKADDER Well, for one, the sickbay vid monitor log shows
her getting up and walking away under her own
power. Admittedly not the strongest of evidence,
but I personally find it rather compelling.
A viewscreen along the wall of Bay Nine rings. TUUD answers. It's
AMPLA, from another shuttle.
AMPLA Hello, stooshie!
TUUD Premother, where are you? What are you doing?
AMPLA Got a call. A lobby group on Pejor wants to do
some major sucking up to me, so I had to leave.
What'd you think of my brick on the accelerator
trick?
TUUD But -- but you were in serious condition!
AMPLA And now I'm in the UNPLUG shuttle _R._E._M._ It's
all politics, stooshie! Tell Eddie that I'll auto-
launch it back once I'm down and safe. Bye bye!
The viewscreen goes blank, then rings again. It's a TECHNICIAN from
AVALON control.
TECHNICIAN Major, we just found Bay Twelve doors open and the
shuttle _R._E._M._ gone. Would you like to pursue
in the _Beatle_ or _Duran_Duran_?
TUUD No, it's too late.
TUUD, confused and disillusioned, turns to BLACKADDER for comfort.
BLACKADDER Don't look at me, I get paid on Thursday.
TUUD Yeah, right, like I --
G'WHIZ enters, carrying APTO TUUD over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
G'WHIZ HERE! HERE's your assASSin!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
PROLOGUE
INT. BAY NINE
BLACKADDER and TUUD are stunned as G'WHIZ heaves APTO TUUD off his
shoulder and over to BLACKADDER.
G'WHIZ While all of you were out PLAYing with your FOOD,
I cut through the FAT and got to the MEAT of the
situation!
TUUD Cousin Apto? Apto Tuud?
APTO Yeah, whaddya want? The reptiloid Q-tip here has
been dragging me around the station like I'm some
trophy-grade roseanne-trout!
TUUD Did you try to kill Premother Ampla?
APTO Yeah, so?
TUUD Why?
APTO She ASKED me.
BLACKADDER, TUUD, G'WHIZ
Whaaaat?
APTO She ASKED me! Said the sympathy'd enable her to
get any legislation she wanted passed without a
problem!
BLACKADDER Of course! Lyndon Johnson, United States
President, late twentieth century, got boatloads
of laws passed when his predecessor had that
unfortunate incident with the grassy knoll. It
took them decades to finally replace those
unsightly 'Beautify America' flower bushes with
sensible concrete barriers down the middle of
their major highways.
TUUD But why mention 'Meat-grinder'?
APTO You want I should yell 'Hello, Auntie Ampla, I'm
faking an assassination attempt on you like you
asked me to'?
TUUD I'll take him to holding for you, Constable.
BLACKADDER Don't do that. Pejorative on Pejorative is not our
jurisdiction, I'm afraid. Send him back to Pejor.
Use that vehicle Chief Nobrain mentioned earlier.
TUUD (Smiling) Riiiiiight. Come along, Apto!
G'WHIZ Well, CONStable, another PLATE filled with PROBlems
for our beloved AVALON 59 has been conSUMED and
made CLEAN again.
BLACKADDER No hard feelings, eh, Ambassador? Things can't
return to normal too soon for me.
We hear yelling in the corridor outside Bay Nine. FLASHEART, in
a restraint jacket, is being hauled to sickbay by a couple of
ORDERLIES.
FLASHEART I am NOT sick! I just need to be PRUNED!
BLACKADDER Did I say normal? I meant 'usual'.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
THE END
(CLOSING CREDITS)
-END-PART-2-OF-2----CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 1 of 2
Date: 16 Jun 1994 19:25:54 GMT
Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA
Lines: 805
Message-ID: <2tq902$rif@nkosi.well.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV)
BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 1 of 2
-PART-1-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of
this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.
'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the
individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
B L A C K A D D E R L O N 5 9
-------------------------------
AN UNAUTHORIZED PARODY by Tom Golden
Story #2
'THE MODULATION OF AMPLA TUUD'
by Tom Golden
O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L C A S T
Lt. Cmdr. Edmund Blackadder .......... ROWAN ATKINSON (Blackadder)
Deputy Garibaldric ................... TONY ROBINSON (Blackadder)
Dr. George Cremator .................. HUGH LAURIE (Blackadder)
Yarn Ambassador G'Whiz ............... STEPHEN FRY (Blackadder)
Cardigan Ambassador Deluxx ........... MIRANDA RICHARDSON (Blackadder)
Maj. Adi Tuud ........................ SUZIE PLAKSON (Love & War)
Cmdr. Francis Flasheart .............. GRANT SHAUD (Murphy Brown)
Chief Milo Nobrain ................... TIM ALLEN (Home Improvement)
Lt. Justa Duk
- Duk (Hand Puppet Symbiont) ...... VO 'Barney the Dinosaur'
- Justa (Humanoid Host) ........... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE (MWC)
Orlon Ambassador Light Mauve ......... (Appears via SFX)
O U R H Y P O T H E T I C A L G U E S T C A S T
Ampla Tuud ........................... ESTELLE GETTY
Gonzo (cameo) ........................ KEVIN NEALON
Apto Tuud (cameo) .................... GILBERT GOTTFRIED
M I S C E L L A N E O U S P A R T S
A crowd of PEJORATIVE JOURNALISTS
A couple of sickbay ORDERLIES
Several SECURITY GUARDS and TECHNICIANS
-----------------------------------------------------
COLD OPENING
INT. AVALON CONTROL
TUUD is supervising normal operations, along with several techs.
On the viewscreen is a view of the Pejorative northern hemisphere,
with a Pejorative shuttle rising up out of the atmosphere. TUUD,
standing in the command position (front and center, facing the
viewscreen), speaks to the viewscreen.
TUUD Pejorative Shuttle 4Q2, you are cleared for
docking. Release your helm to our navigational
control.
SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
TUUD 4Q2, we do not copy, say again?
SFX: AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
TUUD Major Tuud to security -- possible hijacking,
Pejorative shuttle 4Q2.
One voice from the shuttle drowns out the others.
SFX: RECEDING AUDIO CHANNEL COMMOTION
AMPLA(VO) Adi, is that you?
TUUD Premother Ampla? Security, cancel previous
alert.
AMPLA(VO) No, this is the spirit of the Guy Lombardo coming
to reclaim the Holy Sock. Of course it's your
premother.
A look of panic and terror comes over TUUD. GEORGE walks into Control
and, interested in what's going on, strides up behind her. TUUD,
stunned by the though of AMPLA's visit, adopts a blank smile as she
responds.
TUUD Oh, good.
TUUD turns away from the viewscreen to talk to a technician.
TUUD (Barely audible) Kill our outgoing video!
TUUD faces the viewscreen again.
AMPLA(VO) You can't see me because the pilot broke the
camera with his head after I asked him for the
headset the first time.
TUUD is on emotional autopilot; her smile is obviously superficial.
TUUD What a coincidence. We're having trouble with our
video too!
AMPLA(VO) Anyway, stooshie, it's been too long since I saw
my favorite postdaughter, so I decided to visit.
TUUD Oh, how _nice_.
AMPLA(VO) So, when do I get _off_ this crate?
TUUD bites her lip and looks around for an excuse.
TUUD (Sotto voce) Oh, spock. I need time. Of course!
(Aloud) Well, you're nearly docked, but we'll
have to do some routine safety and security
scans, which will take some time.
TUUD grimaces, bracing herself for the response to her next utterance.
TUUD Probably about an eighth-day.
AMPLA(VO) _That_ long?
TUUD grabs a large ball of loosely wadded scrap paper from a nearby
trash can and, crackling it loudly toward the viewscreen, engages in
a small subterfuge.
AMPLA(VO) Listen, I'm not a young female anymore. I could
die here waiting! Can't you make an exception
for your own --
TUUD Premother Ampla? I can't hear you. You're
breaking up. Why don't we continue this
conversation when you come on board --
AMPLA(VO) Don't cut me off! I won't stand for it! The
last time your mother did that, I ripped --
TUUD AVALON out.
TUUD motions for the comm link with the shuttle to be cut, and goes over
to her station and slumps in her chair.
GEORGE Major, what's going on? Trouble with the
shuttle?
TUUD Yes and no. My premother, my, my, what's the
word, my _grand_mother has decided to pay me a
surprise visit.
GEORGE is visibly mentally struggling to avoid being punched out as
a result of what he is about to say.
GEORGE I, well, don't want to, ruffle your, err,
metaphoric feathers, but I was wondering, if --
TUUD Spit it out, George.
GEORGE Well, has Pejorative genetics bestowed upon her,
a, aaahh, _similar_ disposition to, errrrm, your
own?
TUUD She _is_ my grandmother. What do you think?
GEORGE Oh.
TUUD Actually, George, I'm lying --
GEORGE Oh?
TUUD Yes. Don't get me wrong; I love my premother
dearly. My whole family does. But we _do_ all
live in fear of her. Y'see, she's a legislator,
and the head of the major opposition political
party. And you don't want to know how
_Pejorative_ she had to be to get there.
GEORGE Oh, dear.
TUUD Oh, spocking spock.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
OPENING CREDITS
EFX: EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND PEJOR, LOOKING OUTWARD
A bright red star shines in the distance. The first 8 notes of the
'Blackadder' theme repeat a la 'STAR TREK' intro. An audibly elderly
Garibaldric narrates.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Space. The biggest, darkest, coldest, biggest
place there is. Really. I should know, I was
dumped there.
An empty, discarded tin can moves quickly into view from our left,
appearing to bounce off the camera lens and knocking our POV toward
our right. We follow the can as it moves away to our right and toward...
EFX: EXT. AVALON 59
A large, dark gray Thermos-bottle in space, floating horizontally and
rotating along its central core.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) This is the story of AVALON 59, one of the last
of the SpaceBases built by the United Planets,
Universal and Galactic, or 'UNPLUG'.
AVALON 59 was the last, best chance to sit around,
do nothing and collect lots of goldless pratinum
from all the governments who sent ambassadors.
As the name implies, there were 58 AVALONs before...
EFX: EXT. ORBITING SPACE STATION EXPLODING
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Nineteen blew up...
EFX: EXT. PARTIALLY BUILT SPACE STATION
A partially completed skeleton of another space station.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Fourteen were only partially built, and then
stripped by galactic hoodlums...
INT. SPACECRUISER LOUNGE
A large, plush room. An alien conducts an auction sale of the
lovely space station visible outside the panoramic, floor-to-ceiling
viewport at the rear of the lounge.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Eleven were reposessed and sold at auction...
EFX: EXT. IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH
Earth orbit, literally filled with thousands of satellites, cans,
wrenches, nuts, bolts and several space stations.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) The first nine were built and left in Earth orbit because
nobody could figure out how to get them to their
destination, the neutral planet Pejor. The third
actually fell out of orbit and became a Florida
tourist attraction.
EFX: EXT. SPACE
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Four simply disappeared, although one of them was later
seen in another quadrant, run completely by Elvis clones.
But that's just a rumor...
EFX: EXT. SPACE STATION EXPLODING
GARIBALDRIC(VO) AVALON 42 was destroyed in a collision with an
ark carrying people calling themselves
Golgafrinchams, in an incident whose
improbability was later described as infinite.
EFX: EXT. AVALON 59
SUPER: STILL PHOTO OF BLACKADDER, GEORGE, G'WHIZ AND DELUXX.
SOMETHING NEXT TO BLACKADDER HAS BEEN TORN OUT OF THE PICTURE
GARIBALDRIC(VO) Oh yeah, I can't tell you about AVALON 59 without
mentioning me mates... Edmund Blackadder, Dr.
George Cremator, Ambassador G'Whiz of the
Yarn Republic, and the Cardigan Empire's ambas-
sador Deluxx.
As if this is all an animation setup, two grubby hands move in to restore
the torn-out spot on the photograph -- Garibaldric's picture.
GARIBALDRIC(VO) And that's me, Garibaldric. I'm a shapeshifter.
But I'm not very good at it. I was trying to be
a turnip in this picture. But I ended up looking
like some Earth prat.
AVALON 59. Light-years of great parking, deck
after deck of really cool shopping and loads of
wet kisses and messy intrigue.
The background music kicks off into BLACKADDER theme while the series logo
and credits roll like every other boring old TV show.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT I
INT. OFFICERS MESS -- DINNERTIME
Cmdr. FLASHEART, BLACKADDER and GEORGE, in their UNPLUG dress uniforms,
await the arrival of TUUD and AMPLA for dinner. FLASHEART is visibly
nervous and fidgety.
FLASHEART So, tell me again, Blackadder, why am I here?
BLACKADDER Well, sir, several unfortunate circumstances
involving your mother, father, and the failure of
certain contraceptive devices --
FLASHEART Blackadder!
BLACKADDER My apologies, sir. I couldn't resist such an
open-ended question.
FLASHEART Try harder next time, mister.
BLACKADDER We are all here tonight at the request of Major
Tuud. It seems her grandmother has arrived for
a sudden and unexpected visit.
FLASHEART So?
BLACKADDER Major Tuud's grandmother is a prominent
opposition legislator on Pejor.
FLASHEART I see. Suck up time. Expand our options.
BLACKADDER Precisely.
GEORGE You should have seen the Major earlier today when
she found out. She actually turned pale and had
to sit down for a while. Y'know, I've never seen
a Pejorative that frightened before.
FLASHEART Major Tuud? Frightened?
BLACKADDER Sir, there is an old saying that the only thing
more terrifying and unpleasant than a Pejorative
is his mother. And I would expect it to be
appropriately multiplied when used in reference
to a grandmother, and further exponentiated for
one who is also a politician.
FLASHEART grabs BLACKADDER's uniform.
FLASHEART What have you gotten me into this time,
Blackadder? I don't need any more fear or terror.
I don't even need mild discomfort. I don't even
want a hint of unpleasantness. At this point,
bad breath could send me over the edge. I'm at
the threshold. I c-c-can see the abyss in front
of me. It's beckoning me. 'Francis! Francis!
Come to me! Let me envelop you in my oblivion!'
BLACKADDER George!
FLASHEART George!
GEORGE Right!
GEORGE injects tranquilizer into FLASHEART.
GEORGE How's that?
FLASHEART gradually relaxes and lets go of BLACKADDER's uniform.
FLASHEART Better. Thanks, George. Where's Chief Nobrain and
Lt. Duk?
BLACKADDER The computer informs us that Chief Nobrain is not
on the base. Furthermore it is adamant that he
does not and never has existed here, or anywhere
within UNPLUG territory for that matter. While
this would, of course, be a relief if only it
were true, I am certain it is a ruse he has
concocted as a means of evading his social
duties.
FLASHEART What're you doing about it?
BLACKADDER I've assigned my deputy Garibaldric to find him.
One whiff and the chief will be begging to return
to duty. As for our erstwhile science officer,
at last report, she was trapped in her closet --
FLASHEART Well, what are you standing here for? Go get her
out, man!
BLACKADDER Sir, I'm afraid you misunderstand. She is
ensnared only by her own inability to decide what
to wear tonight.
FLASHEART But we always wear dress uniforms to these
occasions.
BLACKADDER Sir, if I may say so, your stunning display of
logic underscores UNPLUG's wisdom in appointing
you our leader.
TUUD (in Pejorative dress uniform) and AMPLA enter.
TUUD Commander Flasheart, this is my grandmother, and
member of the Pejorative governing assembly,
Ampla Tuud.
AMPLA Please, don't make a fuss. I'm just here to
visit my stooshie.
FLASHEART and BLACKADDER show puzzlement at the term 'stooshie'.
TUUD Stooshie is a term of endearment.
GEORGE Hmmm, that's not what my Pejorative medical
textbooks say. A 'stooshie' is a particularly
vile and nasty native parasite. It (gestures)
burrows into your abdomen and sucks out all your
digestive fluids through your stomach! Then it
clamps onto your spinal column and makes you
do the hustle until you die of terminal
embarassment!
TUUD Yes! Yes, you're right, but Premother is using
the secondary meaning.
GEORGE Sorry, I guess we're all just a little nervous.
AMPLA Don't be nervous! I just want you to think of me
as my little Adi's premother. Don't give a
thought to the fact that I could be the next
leader of that little mudball you're in orbit
around.
FLASHEART extends his hand to AMPLA.
FLASHEART On behalf of UNPLUG, allow me to welcome you to
AVALON 59.
AMPLA eyes FLASHEART's hand for a moment, then his face.
AMPLA (To TUUD) Hmmph. Seems too small. If I caught
something like him, I'd throw him back --
AMPLA finally shakes hands with FLASHEART.
AMPLA Eeuuuhhh, what a worm! Gimme a napkin so's I can
wipe his sweat off my hand.
FLASHEART, already nervous, tries again to exchange pleasantries.
FLASHEART Adi has told us a lot about you.
AMPLA You liar! No self-respecting Pejorative _ever_
talks about her family to outsiders if she can
help it. So you're a worm and a liar.
FLASHEART (To BLACKADDER and GEORGE) OK, that's it, I fold.
Your turn, Constable. George, I need another
hit.
GEORGE Aye, sir.
GEORGE and FLASHEART walk over to a convenient corner, where GEORGE
administers the medication. BLACKADDER moves into position to greet
AMPLA.
AMPLA So, who are you?
TUUD This is Edmund Blackadder, our chief of security.
BLACKADDER takes a breath, collects his thoughts, then speaks.
BLACKADDER Madam, I would _like_ to say that it is a pleasure
to meet you, but it would, in fact, be an
_utter_lie_. In fact, you are the most
unpleasant old crone it has been my misfortune to
encounter, and, given the number of unpleasant
old crones I've been forced to encounter over my
lifetime, _that's_ saying something.
TUUD, visibly shaken by BLACKADDER's forthrightness, faints.
AMPLA Now, here's a man who speaks his mind. I like
that. Whatsamatter with him, stooshie? He's
got spocks! If I were younger. Well, if I were
younger, we'd be playing 'Caves and Seasnakes',
if you get my drift.
BLACKADDER smiles, as if he is flattered by AMPLA's compliment.
BLACKADDER I seriously doubt it.
AMPLA finally notices that TUUD has fainted.
AMPLA Stooshie? Stooshie? Hmmph. No spocks. Y'know,
Eddie, she was always the weak one. No spocks at
all. Nothing like her sisters. Oh, she'd cry
at the drop of a sock.
BLACKADDER Really? How interesting! You must tell me more!
AMPLA, in typical Pejorative fashion, grabs BLACKADDER's arm and they
step together over TUUD as they move over to the dining table.
AMPLA Oh, the stories I could tell about little Adi.
Y'know when she was young, she used to...
FLASHEART (Obviously sedated) George, I'm gonna have a
little lie-down now. Why don't you look after
the Major?
FLASHEART falls like a feather to the floor.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT II
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING
BLACKADDER is, as usual, sipping his morning cuppa, and looking over
security printouts and files. GARIBALDRIC walks in from an adjoining
room.
GARIBALDRIC Good morning, sir!
BLACKADDER What's so good about it, you galactic gelatin?
GARIBALDRIC Well, now that you mention it, nothing, actually.
I suppose I could have said, 'Average morning,
sir' or 'Absolutely nothing special about this
morning, sir'. How about, 'Totally unoriginal
morning, sir'.
BLACKADDER How about 'Shut your simulated gob, you brain-
dead pillock, before I run you through an
extruder and cut up the output to form the
letters J-E-L-L-O'.
GARIBALDRIC Naaah, I couldn't say that. Your mouth isn't
simulated.
BLACKADDER (sigh) Well, Garibaldric, now that we have spent
fully five minutes on your feeble attempt at a
simple pleasantry, do you have anything of value
to communicate, or do you just want me to use
this (pulls nasty-looking device out of his desk)
laser scalpel to cut you into cubes of shape-
shifter tofu?
GARIBALDRIC Well, actually, sir, this communique just
arrived. It seems that a couple of Pejorative
by-elections were held yesterday, and the
opposition candidates pulled off a major upset.
BLACKADDER So?
GARIBALDRIC The opposition now has the majority of seats in
the Pejorative assembly.
BLACKADDER Ahhhh, and that makes Major Tuud's grandmother --
Garibaldric reads from the text.
GARIBALDRIC -- 'the new Supreme Bitch of Pejor'.
BLACKADDER Garibaldric!
GARIBALDRIC It's a Pejorative term.
BLACKADDER So I've gathered! Kindly use less derogatory
language.
GARIBALDRIC No, no, the Pejorative assembly is actually
called 'The House of Bitches' --
BLACKADDER Thank you, Garibaldric; just use the term
'parliament' from now on.
GARIBALDRIC I'd rather not, sir, if you don't mind.
BLACKADDER Why not?
GARIBALDRIC You don't want to know what the word 'parliament'
means in Pejorative.
INT. AVALON PROMENADE -- MORNING
AMPLA, shopping and providing a photo-op for an entourage of Pejorative
news-blatters (press), strolls down the Promenade accompanied by
GEORGE and FLASHEART.
JOURNALISTS IN CROWD (calling out)
Hey-you! Hey-you!
FLASHEART is stunned by their lack of restraint.
FLASHEART Have you no respect? This is the new leader of
your planet!
Journalist GONZO speaks up.
GONZO Hey, 'PLUGger, I got your respect RIGHT HERE!
(gestures) 'Hey-you' is how she's supposed to be
addressed, kinda like your 'Prime Minister'.
FLASHEART Oh. My mistake. Sorry.
AMPLA Gonzo, Leave the 'PLUGger alone. He's sucking up
to me, okay?
JOURNALIST Hey, sucking up to you doesn't demonstrate high
intelligence on his part.
AMPLA It certainly didn't when _you_ were doing it.
(Turning to FLASHEART) Ignore him. He's nobody
important. Just one of my former spin doctors.
He's just unhappy because after I fired him, I
called his new boss and got him posted here
permanently. Anyway, you were saying?
FLASHEART I was pointing out the Godiva chocolate store.
Are you familiar with the Earth delicacy
chocolate?
AMPLA Yeah, keep that stuff away from me. I've seen
old vids of that sad Earth guy dressed up like a
flying animal. He takes a spoonful and then
jumps around like a pogo-worm, screaming "I'm
high on chocolate! I'm high on chocolate!"
AMPLA starts toward the next shop; GEORGE and FLASHEART and the crowd
follow.
GEORGE Errm, aahhh, Oh yes, I remember that! No, that's
"I'm cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs! I'm cuckoo for
Cocoa-Puffs!"
FLASHEART George, stop that. You're scaring me. I
remember that from my history books. The Great
Kellogg Corn Flake-Out of '73. Clandestine cereal
bonfires. The Post-Purina Purge of '75.
GEORGE Who would have thought that toasting extruded
mashed grains, sugar and other chemicals, would
produce such a dangerous stimulant? I'll never
forget the vid of my grandparents bringing out
carton after carton of Frosted Weetabix to toss
on the bonfire.
FLASHEART They burned all the classics. Froot Loops.
Count Chocula. Cap'n Crunch. Trix. Super
Hi-Corn-Fructose Crisp. Fortunately, they saved
some of the back panels of the boxes, so we
haven't lost _all_ the works of the old masters.
GEORGE Speaking of breakfast, why don't we get some
here!
The sign above the shop reads:
I - G H O B
INTERGALACTIC HOUSE OF BANCAKES [TM]
AMPLA looks inside at what's being served.
AMPLA They look like fried, pureed swampgrass pucks.
Speaking of purges, they make _me_ want to purge.
GEORGE Oh, now, they're really quite smashing,
especially with a little bit of oznabrag
marmalade on the side.
Ambassadors DELUXX, G'WHIZ and LIGHT MAUVE enter.
AMPLA (To GEORGE) Who's the albino tramp?
FLASHEART That's the Cardigan ambassador.
AMPLA And we wanted _them_ to annex us? Sheesh!
G'WHIZ Esteemed Hey-you Tuud, allow me, on behalf of the
YARN Republic to extend my conGRATulations to
you on the occasion of your ascention to the
office of SuPREME B--
DELUXX delivers a hard elbow jab to G'Whiz.
G'WHIZ -- er, LEADer of PeJOR.
AMPLA Who the spock are you? You look like a cross
between an alligator and a pipe cleaner.
G'WHIZ bows theatrically.
G'WHIZ I am G'Whiz, AVALON's Ambassador from the Yarn
Republic, at your service. Pepto-BISmol to you.
MAUVE does, well, as close to a bow as you can do if you're encased in
a large upside-down ice-cream cone.
MAUVE I AM LIGHT MAUVE AMBASSADOR FROM THE ORLON
COLLECTION
AMPLA For a moment I thought you were an automated
banking machine.
DELUXX curtsies.
DELUXX And I am Deluxx, of the Cardigan Empire. On
behalf of my fellow diplomats, I wish to
apologize for not contacting you sooner. We've
only just now heard the news.
AMPLA So you three are diplomats.
G'WHIZ, DELUX and MAUVE
Yes.
AMPLA So, go on, start sucking up to me. Isn't that
what you diplomats do?
G'WHIZ May I just say, how, well, presiDENtial you look.
Just like the finest bone china place setting on
my home world.
AMPLA My house plants can do better than that.
MAUVE YOUR POLITICAL ACUMEN IS THE PALEST LIGHT PASTEL
BLUE --
DELUXX waves her arms in front of G'WHIZ and MAUVE, cutting them off.
DELUXX Boys, let me handle this.
DELUXX places her hands on her hips and lowers the pitch of her voice
from 'sweet and diplomatic' mode straight to 'tough' mode.
DELUXX OK, what'll it take to keep _you_ from trying to
blackmail us into annexing Pejor?
AMPLA You got spocks.
AMPLA turns to GEORGE.
AMPLA Forget what I said. She's not a tramp. She's
got spocks.
AMPLA turns back to DELUXX.
AMPLA I'll get back to you after I take charge.
G'WHIZ And when will that happy day be?
AMPLA In a couple of weeks. I figure I'll let 'em stew
down on Pejor for a while -- make 'em wait for
me.
G'WHIZ Oh, STEW! How GLORious!
GEORGE That seems a little rude, don't you think?
AMPLA Pejor to George. Pejor to George. Reality
calling. What's the point of having power if you
don't use it?
Suddenly, a maniac with a Rasta wig, green face paint and Yarn garb
breaks through the crowd and shoots AMPLA at point-blank range with
a stun-gun.
ASSASSIN Die, Meat-grinder!
FLASHEART and G'WHIZ lunge forward to catch him, but he is too fast and
disappears down a corridor. DELUXX and GEORGE comfort AMPLA, who tries
to speak.
AMPLA Must have been a sore loser.
GEORGE speaks to his comm bracelet.
GEORGE Medical emergency, promenade, stat!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
-END-PART-1-OF-2----CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
Path: newserv.ksu.ksu.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!ihnp4.ucsd.edu!pacbell.com!well!baldric
From: baldric@well.sf.ca.us (S. Baldric)
Newsgroups: alt.comedy.british.blackadder,alt.startrek.creative
Subject: (Parody) BLACKADDERLON 59 #2, Part 2 of 2
Date: 17 Jun 1994 17:17:09 GMT
Organization: The Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link, Sausalito, CA
Lines: 814
Message-ID: <2tslql$hrg@nkosi.well.com>
NNTP-Posting-Host: well.sf.ca.us
X-Newsreader: NN version 6.5.0 #1 (NOV)
BLACKADDERLON 59 #2: The Modulation of Ampla Tuud, Part 2 of 2
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Copyright (C) 1994 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved. No part of
this work may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written
permission from the author, with the exception of 1) brief quotations
embodied in critical articles or reviews, and 2) the complete, unaltered text
of this work, including this disclaimer (or an electronic document containing
same and which has been data-compressed using a lossless algorithm) when used
or reproduced for private and non-commercial use only.
'BLACKADDERLON 59' is an unauthorized parody of the 'STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE
NINE', 'BABYLON 5' and 'BLACKADDER' television series. None of the
individuals or companies associated with these series or with any merchandise
based upon these series, nor any real person or company mentioned in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59', has in any way consented to appear in, approved, sponsored, or
authorized it. Any references made to real persons or companies in 'BLACK-
ADDERLON 59' are totally fictional, used with satiric intent only, and should
not be construed as having any resemblance whatsoever to reality.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
-PART-2-OF-2--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
ACT III
INT. SICKBAY -- LATER THAT AFTERNOON
AMPLA lays unconscious on an intensive care bed, her vital
signs being monitored by sensors which sound like not only a bass
guitar, but a whole rhythm section. BLACKADDER, GEORGE, FLASHEART and
TUUD look on from behind the window between the sickbay and the
waiting room.
INT. SICKBAY WAITING ROOM
BLACKADDER, GEORGE and TUUD brood while FLASHEART borders on hysteria.
FLASHEART Here lies Francis Tiberius Flasheart. He tried
to follow in his brother's footsteps and got
stepped on. You know what they'll do. First,
they'll courtmartial me, then they'll draw and
quarter me and pack me into little cans and sell
me as dog food! Hahahahahahahahaha! But I'm not
going alone. Nosiree! I'm taking you ALL with
me! There'll be George flavor dog food, and
Blackadder flavor dog food, and --
GEORGE Sir, you're getting a bit tense again.
GEORGE quickly injects FLASHEART with some tranquilizer. FLASHEART
immediately relaxes.
FLASHEART Oooooh, birdies!
FLASHEART drops to the floor. George tabs a small viewscreen/keypad
embedded in the wall.
GEORGE Nurse, The commander has had another of his fits.
Would you check to see that his usual room in
sickbay is ready and bring a stretcher and the
double-strength restraining jacket? We don't
want a repeat of last time.
GEORGE removes his finger from the keypad and shakes his head.
GEORGE Dreadful. Dropping like flies. Simply dreadful.
A couple of ORDERLIES pick up FLASHEART and carry him off.
BLACKADDER But, fortunately, George, no one has died, in
spite of your care.
TUUD You mean she'll survive?
GEORGE Oh, yes, of course. She'll be unconscious for a
while longer, but she'll be good as new in a
couple of days.
TUUD That's a relief.
GEORGE Y'know, I really should have studied Pejorative
culture in greater depth. For example, until
today, I had no idea that most Pejorative
clothing is resistant to fire from most
stun-guns.
BLACKADDER Yes, well, we are all appropriately thankful for
that Ripleyesque tidbit, believe it or not.
GEORGE Y'know, Edmund, I just noticed something strange.
BLACKADDER Oh? You passed a mirror?
GEORGE No! I mean, where are all the Pejorative
journalists? Shouldn't we have been overrun
with them by now?
TUUD Oh, didn't you hear? I instituted a press
blackout.
BLACKADDER (Disdain and mock admiration) Of course, they
didn't know they were being blacked out, did
they?
TUUD I told them to gather on the shuttle 4Q2 for a
press conference. Then, I shut the door and
auto-launched them back to the planet. In my
opinion, the only good news-blatter is a deaf
one.
BLACKADDER Major, did it ever occur to you that the assassin
might have been on the shuttle, and that you just
set him free?
TUUD (Surprise) I hadn't thought of that.
BLACKADDER And that, my dear Major Tuud, is why I run
security and you storm about in your jackboots,
striking macho postures and engaging in random
acts of wanton destruction with Chief Nobrain.
DELUXX enters, minimally acknowledging the others and walking straight
up to BLACKADDER.
DELUXX Well, hello, tall, dark and duty-bound. I've got
something for you.
DELUXX opens her mouth ...
BLACKADDER Aaah'ghahd, not that prehensile inner tongue of
yours again...
We look at DELUXX again, and see that she has a Trivial Pursuit card on
her tongue. She slowly peels it off, grabs BLACKADDER's hand, places the
card in his palm, and wraps his hand around it.
DELUXX If anyone asks where you got it, just tell them
you were just squeezing it in your hand. Ta!
DELUXX exits past GEORGE, whose jaw has dropped, and a smirking,
eyebrow-arching TUUD. TUUD picks up a convenient sickbay towel...
TUUD Looks like you need to towel off, Constable.
...and throws it to BLACKADDER.
TUUD Here.
BLACKADDER Even though your grandmother is hovering between
life and death, you can find time to engage in
male bonding rituals with the less butch members
of the crew. Tell me, when grandma over there
finally snuffs it, are you going to have her
stuffed and mounted, or just dump her in a
Pejorative Neptune Society maggot bin?
TUUD Blackadder! You just don't get it. I'm tough.
I'm Pejorative.
GEORGE Y'got that right!
TUUD We're fighters. We're roarers. We're pukers.
BLACKADDER You're bonkers.
TUUD That too. We're hardened to the realities of the
galaxy.
BLACKADDER You're crass, insensitive, cheap, cruel and noisy.
And, despite the fact that I find women with any three
of those elements sexually irresistible, you somehow
still manage to repel me in the most basic way.
TUUD We're-we're ...
First one tear falls down TUUD's cheek, then another, then a river.
TUUD We're full of it!
TUUD, sobbing, runs out of the sickbay.
BLACKADDER George, when you can drop a Pejorative at ten paces
armed only with your native intelligence and your
tongue, you can laugh in the face of fear. Drop
your trousers and moon terror.
GEORGE Or plant a 'Kick Me Hard' sign on the back of the Grim
Reaper himself?
BLACKADDER Quite.
INT. BLACKADDER'S OFFICE -- THAT EVENING
BLACKADDER, finishing dinner at his desk, is looking over the Trivial
Pursuit card.
BLACKADDER 'What do Ampla Tuud and Lyndon B. Johnson have
in common?' Deluxx must be growing tired of
dessicating me through sex, and is now intent
upon exhausting me mentally.
BLACKADDER leans back. TUUD, standing outside, gets his attention.
He pushes a button, opening the door to his office. TUUD enters.
BLACKADDER Yes?
TUUD I just wanted you to know that, well, when I left
sickbay, I wasn't crying.
BLACKADDER Of course not.
TUUD I-I had something in my eye.
BLACKADDER Well, if you had a medical problem, I would understand
your desire to get away from Dr. George's sickbay
at all costs.
TUUD I went back a little while ago. She looks so...
vulnerable. So peaceful.
BLACKADDER Absolutely nothing like real life.
TUUD When my parents died, she raised my sisters and me.
Have I ever told you about when I was a little
girl on Pejor --
BLACKADDER No, and I don't really want to know. Good
evening.
TUUD Blackadder! Don't shut me out like that!
BLACKADDER Look, if you're going to open up to me and demon-
strate how sensitive you've become since you
started working with us spockless humans, and how
it's made you a better Pejorative, I'll use this
(opens drawer and pulls out a meat tenderizing hammer)
meat tenderizer I found in my desk to test how
sensitive you really are.
TUUD (Sobbing) I'm sorry. I-I--
BLACKADDER Yes, come on, spit it out.
TUUD pulls out a handkerchief from her pocket and dabs at her eyes.
She puts the handkerchief back in her pocket, much to BLACKADDER's
surprise.
BLACKADDER For a moment, I thought you were going to blow.
TUUD Premother Ampla really likes you. She said she thought
you had real spocks.
BLACKADDER How comforting. I presume you told her how unlikely it
is that she will ever get to see them, in or out of
their natural habitat?
TUUD What I mean is, she said that I misjudged you.
BLACKADDER (Sneering) You have no idea of the pain I suffered at
the thought that you hadn't taken the time to know
the real me.
TUUD You're not going to make this easy, are you.
BLACKADDER Would you?
TUUD I-I guess not. Look, there's something I think you
ought to know. It's not easy for me to say this, but --
TUUD is cut off by the ringing of BLACKADDER's viewscreen.
BLACKADDER Saved by the bell!
BLACKADDER presses the viewscreen-answer button. GEORGE appears onscreen.
BLACKADDER What do you want, George?
GEORGE It's Ampla Tuud. Ambassador G'Whiz, or a Yarn dressed
like him, came in here just now and, well, he forked
her.
BLACKADDER Language!
GEORGE No, no, forked her! Took a fork and stabbed her with
it. Repeatedly! He screamed something about a
sausage-maker or or some such.
BLACKADDER We're on our way.
BLACKADDER turns off the viewscreen, and he and TUUD rush out the door.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT IV
INT. SECURITY INTERROGATION ROOM, LATER THAT EVENING
BLACKADDER and G'WHIZ sit opposite each other at a table. On the table
in front of BLACKADDER is a place setting of exquisite-looking china.
On the plate is a serving of yummy salad; a bowl of soup is on standby
on his right and a piece of pie on his left. G'WHIZ, handcuffed to his
chair and illuminated by a very bright spotlight coming from behind
BLACKADDER, is on the edge of hysteria. They have apparently been
at this for a couple of hours.
G'WHIZ But I SWEAR to you, Constable, I was in my quarters
when it happened.
BLACKADDER I'd like to believe you.
G'WHIZ Look, if I had DONE it, I'd just claim DIPloMATic
imMUNity and BUGger off back to the Yarn home world!
I subMITted to this because I want to PROVE my
INNOcence!
BLACKADDER Of course, of course. Now, let's go over the details
one more time, while I eat this salad. Hmmm, which
fork do I use? (Picks up a spoon) This one, I think!
BLACKADDER picks at the salad with the spoon. G'WHIZ is so appalled at
this blatant flaunting of table manners that he starts to break down.
G'WHIZ No, not that! The fork! The FORK!
BLACKADDER I think I'll have dessert as my first course!
G'WHIZ NOOOOOOOO!
BLACKADDER Confess! Confess!
G'WHIZ I CONFESS! I CONFESS! I've used monoSOdium GLUtamate
on occasion!
BLACKADDER You did what?
G'WHIZ (Sobbing) I've served MEAT even though I acciDENtally
dropped it on the FLOOR during preparation. I-I've
used FROZEN vegetables even when FRESH ones were
available. I've mixed up the SALad and DINner
forks. And gotten aWAY with it, until NOW!
BLACKADDER Go on.
G'WHIZ (Blubbering) I-I like Chicken McNUGgets, even though I
don't know what's in them! And, and, I preFER FRYing TO
FLAME BROILing! (Breaks down)
BLACKADDER All right, I'm satisfied. You're not guilty.
BLACKADDER gets up, walks over to G'WHIZ and unlocks his handcuffs.
BLACKADDER You're free to go. Now, get out of here, you, you,
McNugget fancier!
G'WHIZ, stung by the words 'McNugget fancier', starts blubberring again
as he exits. BLACKADDER leans back in his chair and smiles.
BLACKADDER Some days the job is its own reward.
INT. GEORGE'S OFFICE -- THE NEXT MORNING
GEORGE is filling out electronic paperwork when his viewscreen rings.
SFX: 'WOOF-WOOF-WOOF'S FROM ARSENIO HALL SHOW
GEORGE Oh crikey, who is it now?
GEORGE answers the viewscreen. BLACKADDER is calling.
GEORGE Yes, Edmund?
BLACKADDER How's the patient?
GEORGE It was touch-and-go for a while, but we managed
to stabilize her condition. She had a quiet
night. I still say she'll recover. However, if
she tries to drink liquids, she may irrigate the
Promenade instead!
BLACKADDER George!
GEORGE Sorry, just a little bedside humor. Don't worry,
she's a real fighter. She isn't that easy to
kill.
BLACKADDER It's only appropriate that she's attended to by a
physician who isn't that easy to take.
GEORGE Any clues on the, errm, 'meat-grinder' reference?
BLACKADDER Not yet. Don't worry, though, If I find
anything, I assure you that you'll be the last
to know.
GEORGE Meat-grinder. Damn strange thing to say, don't
you think? What does it mean, I wonder?
BLACKADDER I don't know. But I believe that everything in
this universe has some meaning, apart from
Garibaldric's existence and your medical degree,
of course. Blackadder out.
The viewscreen goes blank. GEORGE smiles, then adopts the puzzled
expression of a really dim individual who believes he just may have
been insulted, but he's not sure how.
SFX: DOORBELL
GEORGE Come!
G'WHIZ enters.
G'WHIZ Pepto-BISmol and a hearty breakfast greeting to you,
Doctor George. Can you spare a moment?
GEORGE Absolutely. Is that about that, errm, nasty complaint
from a while back?
G'WHIZ Oh, no, no, and I haven't seen THOSE females since you
administered my CURE.
GEORGE Glad to hear it. Well, then, what did you want to see
me about?
G'WHIZ I was WONdering if you happened to acquire a new
ORderly within the past few revoLUtions.
INT. COMMANDER'S CONFERENCE ROOM -- THE NEXT MORNING
FLASHEART, somewhat rested and recovered, chairs the meeting. BLACKADDER,
GEORGE, TUUD, NOBRAIN and JUSTA DUK are in attendance.
FLASHEART As you all know, there have been two attempts on
Madame Tuud in the past twenty-four hours. I've
called this meeting to determine two things:
first, who is going to take the blame for this
instead of me; and second, how I can get back to
Earth before UNPLUG Central hears about this.
BLACKADDER Sir, if I may, I think it would be more prudent
to discuss how to get Madame Tuud off the station
and back to Pejor.
NOBRAIN How about we give her a parachute and seal her in
a large waste disposal pod, fasten some solid
rockets to it, light 'em and watch her go! I can
have it put together and ready in two hours.
BLACKADDER Chief, and I mean this with the highest regard
for your technical skills, I invite you to do us
all a favor and beat yourself senseless with your
spanner, at your earliest possible convenience.
George, is Madame Tuud well enough to be
transported back home in a medical shuttle?
GEORGE Well --
TUUD Wait! Isn't anyone trying to find out who did
this?
JUSTA She's, like, Pejorative, isn't she? I mean,
like, who cares?
TUUD Is she serious? Are you serious? Are you
telling me that you officers, and blonde
symbo-bimbos, from the great United Planets
Universal and Galactic are more concerned with
covering your spocks than seeing that justice is
done? Do you all really feel that way?
FLASHEART, BLACKADDER, GEORGE, JUSTA, NOBRAIN in unison
Yes, absolutely!
NOBRAIN It's just a job. We get paid on Thursdays.
GEORGE Acutally, though, I must admit that I am just a
bit curious about that 'Meat-grinder' reference.
TUUD Meat-grinder?
FLASHEART Both times the perp called your grandmother
'Meat-grinder'.
TUUD Is that what this is all about? Meat-grinder?
That's my premother's nickname, from the war!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
ACT V
INT. CORRIDOR
BLACKADDER and GARIBALDRIC are walking down the corridor.
GARIBALDRIC Sir, you'll be pleased to know I finally located
Chief Nobrain.
BLACKADDER (Sighs) I'm going to regret this. Where did you
find him?
GARIBALDRIC In the Commander's conference room, just now.
BLACKADDER Nothing gets by you, does it, Garibaldric?
GARIBALDRIC I do my best, sir!
They pass by a door marked 'ROUND ROOM'. BLACKADDER opens the door.
BLACKADDER Ah, we've arrived. Garibaldric, go in that room and
sit in the corner until I come back.
GARIBALDRIC Will do, sir!
GARIBALDRIC enters the round room.
GARIBALDRIC Sir, there doesn't appear to be a corner!
BLACKADDER Right first time!
BLACKADDER slams the door shut and locks it.
BLACKADDER Now to get some real work done.
COMPUTER(VO) Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting.
Will Edmund Blackadder please go to the white
courtesy viewscreen, you have a call waiting.
BLACKADDER reaches for his comm bracelet, which he then realizes he
is not wearing. He then ducks into a nearby courtesy viewscreen booth.
BLACKADDER If only AVALON were important, they'd have issued
lapel-pin communicators you don't forget to put on.
(To viewscreen) This is Edmund Blackadder.
COMPUTER(VO) Prepare for retinal scan.
BLACKADDER Damn security measures. When I meet the inventor of
this atrocity, I'm going to --
A small mechanical eye on a metal arm pops out from beside the viewscreen.
It gyrates around the cabinet as it searches for BLACKADDER's right eye.
Having located its quarry, it blinks a couple of times, beeps and emits a
red beam at BLACKADDER's pupil for a second or two.
COMPUTER(VO) Retinal scan confirmed. Password?
BLACKADDER (Sotto voce) Aah'ghad. Ahem. (Speaking voice) My path
is strewn with cowpads from the Devil's own satanic herd!
COMPUTER(VO) Password accepted. Standby to begin call.
GEORGE appears on the viewscreen. He's looking away from his viewscreen
and playing with some stupid executive toy like he's been on hold for quite
a while.
BLACKADDER Yes, George?
GEORGE (Surprised) Oh! I forgot. Errm, ahhh, oh yes.
I thought you ought to know immediately. Madame
Tuud has gone, well, missing from sickbay.
BLACKADDER Is there anything else you want me to know before
I kill you, cut you up into little pieces and
serve you with fava beans and just a pinch of
garlic?
GEORGE Errm, I don't know. Can you give me a hint?
BLACKADDER George, how LONG has she been missing?
GEORGE Oh, about ten minutes or so. I called your
office, but nobody was there.
BLACKADDER So, why didn't you initiate a security alarm
yourself?
GEORGE Well, that's the tricky bit. Errrm, I, ahh,
forgot my password, you see.
BLACKADDER George, you have a mind like a sieve, with a
great big hole in it out of which great massive
clumps fall with a loud 'shplut' to the ground
below.
COMPUTER (VO from George's office)
Password accepted. Security alert. Security alert.
GEORGE Of course, I remember now! That's my password!
BLACKADDER Aah'ghad! Einstein was wrong. The only constant
in the universe is the rate at which karmic dung
falls upon my head!
INT. AVALON CONTROL
COMPUTER (VO) Security alert. Security alert.
TUUD Turn off that damned security alert, I can't hear
myself think!
TECHNICIAN Major, UNPLUG shuttle _Nirvana_ is departing without
authorization from Bay Nine.
TUUD Punch up Bay Nine on the viewscreen and shut the
doors.
TUUD mouse-clicks a couple of points on her workstation.
TUUD Shuttle _Nirvana_, This is AVALON 59. Return to base
immediately.
TECHNICIAN Too late.
TUUD Damn! Lock on with tractor beams. Bring it back.
TECHNICIAN Tractor?
The TECHNICIAN shrugs, then mouse-clicks a few times on the workstation.
EFX: EXT. OUTSIDE BAY NINE
The escaping shuttle is flying toward our POV. AVALON 59 floats in
the distance.
Close-up to a small door near Bay Nine. The door slides open. A large
horseshoe magnet connected to a heavy-duty metal chain is ejected from
the door, flies quickly through space, and attaches to the shuttle with a
metallic 'thunk'. A couple of metal plates fold out of the sides of the
horseshoe magnet, along with little nozzles marked SUPER-GLUE. The nozzles
spray superglue onto the ship, and the metal plates make contact with the
surface.
INT. AVALON CONTROL
The AVALON Control Viewscreen shows the view from a camera positioned near
Bay Nine. We see the chain being automatically rolled up and the shuttle
being pulled back.
TECHNICIAN Tractor locked on.
TUUD Good. Pull 'em back in. I'm going to Bay Nine.
Contact Blackadder and have him meet me there.
INT. BAY NINE
Shuttle _Nirvana_ rests on the pad, doors closed, surrounded by SECURITY
GUARDS. TUUD enters.
TUUD Ok, boys, open 'er up.
One of the SECURITY GUARDS presses some buttons next to the back door
of the shuttle. An eyeball like the one from the courtesy phone pops
out from the panel and scans the guard. A moment passes, then the
back door opens up to reveal a totally empty cabin. TUUD peers in,
then enters the shuttle.
TUUD Look! On the accelerator! A brick!
BLACKADDER, sneaks up behind TUUD and looks over her shoulder.
BLACKADDER Brick on the accelerator. The oldest trick in
the book. (Touching comm bracelet) Security
console, AVALON control.
BLACKADDER waits for the light on the comm bracelet to go from red to
green, indicating that the connection has been made.
BLACKADDER It appears that Madame Tuud has decided to leave
us ahead of schedule. Seal off the station.
Blackadder out. (To Tuud) She won't get far.
TUUD Premother? I don't understand.
BLACKADDER George informed me that your dear grandmother left
sickbay a little while ago.
TUUD How do you know she wasn't kidnapped?
BLACKADDER Well, for one, the sickbay vid monitor log shows
her getting up and walking away under her own
power. Admittedly not the strongest of evidence,
but I personally find it rather compelling.
A viewscreen along the wall of Bay Nine rings. TUUD answers. It's
AMPLA, from another shuttle.
AMPLA Hello, stooshie!
TUUD Premother, where are you? What are you doing?
AMPLA Got a call. A lobby group on Pejor wants to do
some major sucking up to me, so I had to leave.
What'd you think of my brick on the accelerator
trick?
TUUD But -- but you were in serious condition!
AMPLA And now I'm in the UNPLUG shuttle _R._E._M._ It's
all politics, stooshie! Tell Eddie that I'll auto-
launch it back once I'm down and safe. Bye bye!
The viewscreen goes blank, then rings again. It's a TECHNICIAN from
AVALON control.
TECHNICIAN Major, we just found Bay Twelve doors open and the
shuttle _R._E._M._ gone. Would you like to pursue
in the _Beatle_ or _Duran_Duran_?
TUUD No, it's too late.
TUUD, confused and disillusioned, turns to BLACKADDER for comfort.
BLACKADDER Don't look at me, I get paid on Thursday.
TUUD Yeah, right, like I --
G'WHIZ enters, carrying APTO TUUD over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
G'WHIZ HERE! HERE's your assASSin!
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
PROLOGUE
INT. BAY NINE
BLACKADDER and TUUD are stunned as G'WHIZ heaves APTO TUUD off his
shoulder and over to BLACKADDER.
G'WHIZ While all of you were out PLAYing with your FOOD,
I cut through the FAT and got to the MEAT of the
situation!
TUUD Cousin Apto? Apto Tuud?
APTO Yeah, whaddya want? The reptiloid Q-tip here has
been dragging me around the station like I'm some
trophy-grade roseanne-trout!
TUUD Did you try to kill Premother Ampla?
APTO Yeah, so?
TUUD Why?
APTO She ASKED me.
BLACKADDER, TUUD, G'WHIZ
Whaaaat?
APTO She ASKED me! Said the sympathy'd enable her to
get any legislation she wanted passed without a
problem!
BLACKADDER Of course! Lyndon Johnson, United States
President, late twentieth century, got boatloads
of laws passed when his predecessor had that
unfortunate incident with the grassy knoll. It
took them decades to finally replace those
unsightly 'Beautify America' flower bushes with
sensible concrete barriers down the middle of
their major highways.
TUUD But why mention 'Meat-grinder'?
APTO You want I should yell 'Hello, Auntie Ampla, I'm
faking an assassination attempt on you like you
asked me to'?
TUUD I'll take him to holding for you, Constable.
BLACKADDER Don't do that. Pejorative on Pejorative is not our
jurisdiction, I'm afraid. Send him back to Pejor.
Use that vehicle Chief Nobrain mentioned earlier.
TUUD (Smiling) Riiiiiight. Come along, Apto!
G'WHIZ Well, CONStable, another PLATE filled with PROBlems
for our beloved AVALON 59 has been conSUMED and
made CLEAN again.
BLACKADDER No hard feelings, eh, Ambassador? Things can't
return to normal too soon for me.
We hear yelling in the corridor outside Bay Nine. FLASHEART, in
a restraint jacket, is being hauled to sickbay by a couple of
ORDERLIES.
FLASHEART I am NOT sick! I just need to be PRUNED!
BLACKADDER Did I say normal? I meant 'usual'.
FADE OUT.
-----------------------------------------------------
THE END
(CLOSING CREDITS)
-END-PART-2-OF-2----CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE--------CUT-HERE----
Comments
Post a Comment