The X-Files: FOOMS

 ************************************************************

Here it is! The actual script of the season finale. And boy, is it

a cliffhanger!!

This script was taken from an FBI building in Washington DC

at great personal risk. They must have intercepted it 

from somewhere. Now read on....

SPOILERS...

Fooms

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A *PARODY* by Glenn Wallace (glenn@fedfil.com) Copyright (c) 1994.

[May be distributed without charge. May not be published without author's

consent. All rights reserved. This script is neither endorsed nor

approved by the Federal Bureau of Investigation or Fox Television.

Based on characters created by Chris Carter. The truth is out there.]

v1.0 5/1/94

Prologue (teaser)

--------

EXT DAY. Chicago street

SubTitle: Chicago, Illinois

A Chicago city bus is parked at an odd angle against the curb. Ambulances

and police cruisers surround it, lights flashing. A crowd is being held

back at a safe distance by a police line.

Rescue workers move in and around the bus in HazMat suits. One of them

leaves the bus and moves towards one of the cruisers. He removes his mask

as he approaches a burly, black police officer.

RESCUE WORKER

Well, Dan, the total dead now is six.

OFFICER DAN

(shocked) What a horrible, horrible way to die.

RESCUE WORKER

You think there's a good way to die? (shakes his head)

Of course, we won't know for certain the cause of death until

we do the autopsies.

OFFICER DAN

I don't need an autopsy to tell me what my eyes can see!

Any residue or evidence of the gas?

RESCUE WORKER

We've collected some atmospheric samples from inside the bus.

What do we do now?

OFFICER DAN

Impound the bus, remove the bodies, and put the cat out.

I have a phone call to make.

RESCUE WORKER

One more thing. We found ... this...

He holds up a brown man's shoe, with a hole worn in the bottom.

OFFICER DAN (into cellular phone)

Get me Special Agent Fox Mulder of the FBI.

Dramatic music, ECU on the shoe as we go to...

Stock footage: title sequence

-----------------------------

Act 1

-----

INT DAY. FBI Headquarters, Mulder's Office

SubTitle: FBI Headquarters, Washington DC.

Scully is sitting at Mulder's desk. On the desk in front of her are three 

Big Macs(TM), four subs, two pizzas and some kind of ice cream dessert.

Mulder is preparing a slide projector.

MULDER

You know you shouldn't eat so much junk food, Scully.

SCULLY

Hey, I'll eat what I want, Mulder. Besides, lately I just

can't seem to satisfy my appetite.

MULDER

Well I guess it could be worse, it could be liver.

(beat) OK, I've got it.

Mulder turns the lights off. The slide projector comes on

and we see a CU of a dead body. The man has a pained expression

on his face, like at the actual moment of death he was suffering

greatly.

MULDER

Chicago, Illinois. Chi-town. The windy city.

Officer Dan Tullis of the 2nd Precinct called me,

he's an old friend. We used to go drag racing together

when we were young foolish teenagers.

SCULLY

That's a side of you I never imagined, Mulder.

MULDER

Of course we had to give it up after we stopped wearing

our mother's dresses.

Mulder steps to the next slide, a CU of a dead woman, clutching

her purse.

SCULLY

Cause of death? (eats some more food)

MULDER

Toxic gas inhalation. Or so it would seem.

SCULLY

(pauses eating) Well, surely the city has to deal with

that. A sewer leak, perhaps? Or maybe a toxic waste truck

drove by and hit a bump and it leaked out. I think you're

jumping to conclusions, Mulder. There are other more rational

explanations.

MULDER

(hurt) But I didn't say anything! No, no, this time I

know it wasn't the Grays. (beat) The autopsy didn't show

any conclusive evidence of this gas other than a

slight inflammation of the sinuses. In all six deaths,

the victims seem to have died an extremely horrible

death, with is what we deal in here at the X-Files.

SCULLY

You think there's a good way to die? (shakes her head)

So where now?

MULDER

Gas up the Taurus, and have them get that smell out.

I have someone to talk to. (stern look)

I'll met you at National at 6am. Delta has a 6:50am

flight to Chicago.

Fade to:

INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

Mulder unscrews the bulb from his desk lamp. From his pocket

he produces a red bulb, which he screws in. He turns the lamp

on and points it at his window. He reaches for another switch

and a light shines on a rotating disco mirror ball, also in the

window.

EXT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

We see the red lamp and mirror ball clearly from the street.

You can't miss them.

INT NIGHT. Mulder's Apartment

Mulder lies on the couch, watching reruns of the Mary Tyler-Moore

Show. He falls asleep.

The phone rings, waking him. Dragnet is on TV. As he crosses the floor,

he fails to notice 6 screws, a nail, 2 wing nuts, a vent panel, a light

fitting and a floor board mysteriously lying around.

Mulder picks up the phone.

PHONE

Click. Click. Click - click - click.

MULDER

No, wait! Was that 2 then 3 or 3 then 2?

PHONE

(louder) CLICK. CLICK. CLICK - CLICK - CLICK.

MULDER

(writing) OK, I think I got it. 2 then 2,

right? That means I should kill the President.

PHONE

No, you fool. 2, then 3. Meet me at Daingerfield Park!

(dial tone)

EXT NIGHT. Daingerfield Park

As Mulder walks through the parking lot we see a lot of cars; it looks

like quite a few people are making out.

Mulder sits on a park bench, by the river. Across the river we

can see an array of monuments to dead Presidents.

>From out of the shadows, Deep Throat emerges. He is wearing the

obligatory trench coat.

MULDER

It's been a while.

DEEP THROAT

Look, sonny, I don't want to hear your problems.

He passes Mulder a plain envelope. Mulder opens it.

Inside we see photos of JFK's corpse, photos of a young

Deep Throat proudly holding a rifle, photos of the same 

young Deep Throat at Red Square in Moscow, photos

of the same young Deep Throat waving from a grassy knoll 

in Dallas.

Mulder raises his eyebrows.

MULDER

This isn't the case I'm working on.

Deep Throat looks at the photos, and quickly takes the envelope

back. He produces a different envelope, which Mulder opens.

We see photos of bodies much like Mulder's slides.

MULDER

These people all died the same way as the ones 

this week? They're from Chicago too?

Deep Throat nods.

DEEP THROAT

This was five years ago. We had to keep it quiet,

there was an election on and we didn't want it

to affect the outcome.

MULDER

What a horrible way to die.

DEEP THROAT

You think there's a nice way to die? Now, as usual,

you must give me complete anonymity. No one can know

I am talking to you. My identity must remain a

total secret.

MULDER

Yes, but Dr. Kissinger, there's just one more thing I

need to know. Will _she_ be there?

DEEP THROAT

(heavy Jewish accent) Oy! These kids. (normal voice)

I should think she's the last of your worries.

Now I must go.

Deep Throat walks off into the shadows. As he passes a couple

on another park bench, he opens his trench coat and flashes 

them. Luckily, a Fox TV crew (WTTG channel 5) are waiting

and we see a blaze of lights as they fire up their cameras.

Mulder, heading the other direction, sees none of this.

Act 2

-----

EXT DAY. The Taurus, in traffic.

ECU of a bumper sticker "I brake for Alien Entities".

INT DAY. The Taurus, in a traffic jam.

SubTitle: Washington National Airport, Washington DC.

Mulder is driving, Scully is looking tired.

SCULLY

Gee, it was lucky you happened to be sleeping

in your car outside my apartment.

MULDER

Yes, well I was in the area.

SCULLY

We should have taken the Metro. I can't believe

this traffic. At 6am!

MULDER

Well, this is actually a left-over traffic jam

from yesterday evening's rush hour.

INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Main Terminal.

SubTitle: Main Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.

Mulder and Scully are walking around, looking quite confused.

Scully approaches an information desk.

SCULLY

We're looking for the Delta counter.

INFORMATION GIRL

Interim terminal.

SCULLY

Oh thanks, I remember it was there the last time

I was here.

She walks up to Mulder, whispers to him, and they walk away.

INFORMATION GIRL (to herself)

Damn FBI agents, couldn't find their asses with

a funnel.

INT DAY. Washington National Airport, Interim Terminal.

SubTitle: Interim Terminal, Washington National Airport, Washington DC.

Scully is busy feeding her face from an array of junk food, as usual.

Mulder is looking pensive, as usual.

MULDER

Say Scully, did you ever see that movie where that

guy on the spaceship kept eating and eating and then

this thing burst out of his chest?

SCULLY

(through food) Can't talk. Eating.

MULDER

Before we board there's one small thing I need to check

on. I'll be right back.

Mulder walks up to a shoe shine stand. He sits down. The shoe shine

man starts buffing his white sneakers with black Kiwi shoe polish.

The shoe shine man looks a lot like the shoe shine guy from

"Police Squad!".

MULDER

It's been a long time.

SHOE SHINE MAN

Listen kid, I don't care about your problems.

Now, you come to me for information.

Mulder passes him a 20.

MULDER

OK, what have you got on the deaths in Chicago?

Mulder gets out his note pad and prepares to write.

SHOE SHINE MAN

Sure. There have been quite a few cases like this

over the years in Chicago. Some very odd places,

people just collapse, then lapse into a deep coma

and die for no apparent reason.

Now I'll tell you something else, there's a link

between these deaths and the Green River killings

a few years back. Do you remember the name of the

guy that did those?

Now, Groom Lake is actually a base for secret

UFO testing. The government has a joint R&D

project going with the aliens. They provide 

us with the technology, and we provide them

with supplies of strawberry ice cream.

Also, JFK was murdered because of his secret 

connections with the Russian Mafia. If you check

with a Miss Henny F-f-f-f-farmer in Pasadena, she

will give you the evidence you need to start

a congressional inquiry.

You got all that?

MULDER

(reading back) "...some very odd places,

people just collapse..." What was after that?

INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois

SubTitle: Cook County Morgue, Illinois

Scully, seated, is eating from a nose-bag. Mulder and Officer Dan are

looking at photos.

OFFICER DAN

These latest deaths occurred at the New Market Mall.

MULDER

Gruesome. Scully, want to start the autopsy?

Scully nods, and removes her nose bag.

SCULLY

Let's get the body of the most recently deceased.

Mulder opens a body drawer. It is Richard Nixon. He closes it.

Mulder opens the next drawer.

MULDER

OK, this is Rosemary Friendly. Age 47. Time of death,

around 1pm today. Can we get someone to move her to the

autopsy room?

We move to...

INT DAY. Autopsy Room, Cook County Morgue, Illinois

Scully is performing the autopsy, burger in one hand, scalpel in

the other. Officer Dan and Mulder watch, both looking quite green.

SCULLY (into mic)

...weight of liver 6 pounds. Boy, did Eugene miss out

on a good un' here. No abnormal lung tissue. Minor

lesions on esophagus. Gross inflammation of sinus tissue.

Yep, looks like the same thing, all right.

MULDER

Any clues as to the actual cause?

SCULLY

Looks like the inflamed tissue blocked airways sufficiently

to cause near instant suffocation.

OFFICER DAN

What a horrible way to die.

MULDER and SCULLY (together)

There's no nice way to die!

OFFICER DAN

Oh yeah, we found another shoe at the scene.

Same cheap type as the first one, same wear pattern.

ECU on the shoe. As we .... go to a soap powder commercial.

Act 3

-----

INT DAY. Office, Cook County Morgue, Illinois

Mulder and Scully are sitting down, reviewing some medical reports.

Scully is drinking a milkshake, using three straws.

MULDER

You know, you should watch your weight. People

will start to notice it.

SCULLY

I just can't explain this hunger.

MULDER

(screams) Chest burster!! haha!

Scully chokes.

MULDER

Hey, just kidding.

Scully continues to choke.

MULDER

Look, sorry I scared you. You can stop now.

Scully goes pale.

MULDER

Oh-my-God!!!

Scully hurls her cookies, all over the floor. Luckily we are spared

any view of this.

INT DAY. Cook County Medical Examiner's Lab

Scully is hooked up to an ultrasound machine. Mulder has turned slightly

maniacal, operating controls, zooming in and out on the screen.

He's in paranoid mad scientist mode.

MULDER

Well, it looks definitely like....

SCULLY

What, Mulder, what?

MULDER

...there is something growing inside of you.

SCULLY

No.

MULDER

Yes. I'm afraid you're.... pregnant.

SCULLY

(incredulous) But how?!

MULDER

There have been many cases reported like this,

dating back to Biblical times. More recently

some lesbians have reported going to parties,

getting drunk, and waking up pregnant.

This is your basic Immaculate Conception.

Also, UFO abductees have made similar reports

under hypnosis

SCULLY

I don't believe you.

MULDER

You and Phil Klass. You don't believe me or you

don't _want_ to believe?

SCULLY

(still shocked) You know what this means?

MULDER

I'll be getting a new partner, that's for sure.

INT NIGHT. Hotel Room

Mulder is watching the Home Shopping Channel. We hear a knock

on the door.

Mulder opens to the door. Standing before him is a very anonymous

looking man. He is of average build, height, complexion and dress.

Actually, he's _wearing_ an average looking dress.

Mulder lets him in and closes the door.

MAN

Fox Mulder. At last we meet.

MULDER

Who are you? How did you know I was here?

MAN

You can call me "Deeper Throat". I've been 

watching you for a long time.

MULDER

How long?

MAN

Remember when you were at the baseball game looking for

that murderer? I was the guy sitting behind you.

When you were chasing the computer killer? I was the guy

crossing the street as you walked into the office building.

When you were on the Indian reservation? I was the elder

you spoke to.

(quickens pace)

When you were in the Washington forest? I was a small furry

animal up a tree. When you were in Alaska? I was the dog.

When you were chasing the EBE body? I was the hooker you

tried to solicit in Atlanta.

When ---

MULDER

I get the picture. You've been watching me for a long time.

Why are you here?

MAN

To put you on the right track of course.

MULDER

And what track might that be?

MAN

Don't you want to find the cause of this? Who is behind it?

MULDER

Why are you doing this?

MAN

Guilt. A sense of fair play, righting wrongs. Bringing

the _truth_ to light.

MULDER

I understand.

MAN

9764 Jeopardy Lane.

EXT NIGHT. Outside the house.

Mulder is at the front door of the house. It has an orange door

and the number beside the door reads "9764".

Mulder counts to himself...

MULDER (under his breath)

1..2....3!

Mulder kicks the door in, gun in hand. In the squalid living room he

sees a man sitting on a couch watching TV. His hair is thinning and he

has one hand in his pants.

He once played high school football. (4 touchdowns in one game.)

His bare feet are on the coffee table. Mulder goes down in the

doorway.... gasping.

PEGGY BUNDY (VO from upstairs)

Al! Have you got your shoes off again?

MULDER (to himself)

(fading fast) What a horrible way to <gasp> die....

Fade out.

Stock footage: end titles

- END -

-----------------+-------------------------------------------------------------

Glenn Wallace    | Don't turn your back on the world. Turning your back is what

glenn@fedfil.com | happens when you're busy looking the other way. 

fedfile@digex.net|                                     - Ron Nasty (the Rutles)