Laugh

                                                         Date: 17 NOV 86

From: The Management

To:   All Personnel

Subj: Program To Facilitate Termination of Surplus Personnel ( PFTSP ).

  A comprehensive study of computer capabilities makes it neccessary to give

consideration to the termination of surplus personnel.

  In accordance with company policy a new program has been instituted to phase

out all surplus personnel by the end of this fiscal year. This program is

known as RAPE ( Retire All Personnel Early ) and is effective immediately.

  Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to seek other

employment, provided that while they are being RAPED they request a review of

their record before discharge takes place. This phase of the operation is

known as SCREW ( Survey of the Capabilities of Retired Early Workers ).

  All employees who have been RAPED and SCREWED may also appeal for a final

review. This phase of the operation is known as SHAFT ( Study of Higher

Authority Following Termination ).

  Present company policy dictates that employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED

twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as deemed apporpriate.

                                                        The Management

How to buy a stereo.

-1-

Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.

Multiply by a factor of 100.

-2-

The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably

blinking and flashing in time with the music.

(NOTE: not the 60's psychedelic kind, but sleek arrays of LEDs)

-3-

The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look

very C00L.

-4-

The system should be broken up into as many components as possible.

(e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)

-5-

The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should

look very cool.  Size and number of sub-speakers is important.

(e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)

[more]

-6-

The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.

-7-

The system should have full remote control capability, including over the

mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

-8-

Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the

house.

-9-

Components should have a cool names.

(like Nakamichi, Bang & Olufsen, Akai, etc. -- NOT Luxman, Soundesign

or Magnavox)

-10-

The complete set up should put a major recording studio (or large radio

station to shame).

-11-

Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two

ahead of everyone else.  Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and

should be disposed of promptly.

-12-

The most important factor....

Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*

   Canonical List of oxymorons

   ===========================

   Advanced BASIC

   Airline food

   American culture

   Athletic scholarship

   Black Light

   Brave politician

   Business ethics

   Central Intelligence (Agency)

   Cheerful pessimist

   Chili

   Communist party (fun time!)

   Corporate planning

   Covert U.S. operations in Central America

   Creationist Science

   Definite maybe

   Fallout Shelter

   Good Television (Shows)

   High School Education

   Honest crook

   Honest politician

   House Ethics Committee

   Innocent women

   Jumbo shrimp

   Justice Burger

   Justice system

   Libertarian Organization

   Liberty Federation

   Limited Nuclear War

   Logical Thought

   Long-Island Expressway

   Management Science

   Military intelligence

   Moral Majority

   Never generalize!!

   New Democratic Party

   Nimitz Freeway (Maybe free but not way)

   Non-Alcoholic Beer

   Plastic glasses?

   Postal service

   Practical logic

   President Reagan

   Progressive Conservative

   Rapid transit

   Resident Visitor     (from consultant to a company who works on premises)

   Same difference

   Social Security

   Student Athlete

   Super Bowl (XX = Yawn)

   Sweet sorrow

   Terribly pleased

   Union craftsman

   United Nations

   Wise fool

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto not knowing Lone Ranger disguised as

pool table, grabs stick and racks balls!

 *--------------------------------------------------------------------*

From: Employment Insurance Company

To:   John Hacker Smith

Subj: Clarification of Block 3

  In your accident reporting form, you indicated in block 3 "Poor Planning" as

the cause of the accident. In view of the medical expenses being greater than

$50,000.00 and the time loss in excess of 6 months, we would like you to

explain a bit more fully the nature of the mishap.

                                               Yours Truly,

                                               EIC

From: John Hacker Smith

To:   Employment Insurance Company

Subj: Your Request For Amplification of Block 3

  I am writing in response to your reqest for additional information for

block number three of the accident-reporting form.  I put "poor

planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I

should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will

be sufficient.

  On the day of the accident I was working alone on the top section of my new

80 foot antenna tower, installing a RS232 connectio0n to the microwave relay

from the modem in the base station. When I completed my work, I discovered

that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about

300 lbs of tools and spare hardware.  Rather than carry the now unneeded tools

and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel

by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top

of the tower.

  Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and

loaded the tools and materials into the barrel.  Then I wentback to the

ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent

of the 300 lbs of tools.  You will note in block #11 of the accident-

reporting form that I weigh only 155 lbs.

  Due to my suprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost

my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say,

I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.

  In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met met up with the bucket of tools

and materials while it was coming down. This explains my fractured skull and

the broken collarbone.

  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the

fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately,

by this time my initial suprise had abated and I had the my presence of

mind to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. This explains the multiple

fractures of the right hand.

  At approximately the same time, however, the bucket of tools and materials

hit the ground and the bucket split open spilling out much of the tools and

materials.  Devoid of the weight of the tools, the bucket now weighed

approximately 20 lbs.

  I refer you again to block #11 which references my weight.  As you might

imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the tower.

  Again in the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met up with the remnants of

the bucket of tools and materials coming up. This accounts for the two

fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.

  The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries

when I fell onto the pile of tools and materials and, fortunately, only three

vertabrae were cracked.

  I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools and

materials, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet

above me...I again lost my presence of mind...I let go of the rope.

                                                Painfully Yours,

                                                John Hacker Smith

*------------------------------------------------------------------------*

"Finally stopped Grandma from sliding down the bannister."

"How'd you do that?"

"Wrapped barbed wire around it."

"Guess that stopped her, huh?"

"Not yet, but it sure slows her down."

            IMB (Nukesbury) Product Announcement

                "Amuses Industry, Analysts"

IMB announced its long-awaited Tolkien Ring  Network  today.

In  an  informal and unauthorized interview with the product

manager, G. Gray, we extracted  the  following  information.

(Sodium  Pentathol  --  the "standard"  of  the  electronics

industry's journalists, has proved to be less effective than

simple,  old-fashioned  methods,  the more old-fashioned the

better.   We only  wish that Mr. Gray's heart  condition had

been noted on his dossier).

 Q. Why did IMB pick Tolkien ring over one of  the  more

    proven technologies like eth*rnet?

 A. It seemed like a good idea at the time.   We  didn't

    like  any  of  the  standards out there, so we said,

    "What the heck, let's make our own", and we did.

 Q. How do you prevent duplicate tokens?

 A. We don't really care.

 Q. How do you pick host IDs?

 A. Each host is assigned a 256-bit random number.   The

    likelyhood of a duplication is astronomically small,

    on the order of your mother-in-law  leaving  without

    having been asked to.

 Q. What would a typical tolkien ring installation  con-

    sist of?

 A. Three Rings for the elven kings under the sky,

    Seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone,

    Nine for Mortal men doomed to die,

    One for the Dark lord on his dark throne

    In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

        One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,

        One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness

            bind them

    In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.

 Q. Do you expect any opposition to the tolkien ring es-

    tablishment?

 A. Our experience has been that potential users can  be

    dealt with quite easily if you use a little imagina-

    tion.  Hot wax works well.  So does COBOL.   Manage-

    ment  should pick out the troublemakers early on and

    kill them as soon as possible.

 Q. Has your mother-in-law left yet?

 A. No.  Most users report that it will be a cold day in

    hell  before that token comes around the ring again.

    Usually they have to find it with a  flashlight,  or

    flush it out of the basement with smoke.  Tokens are

    heavy, and they tend to get stuck where  the  cables

    dip or rise suddenly.

 Q. What about network security?

 A. We surgically alter users and  take  their  families

    hostage.   This  is a major breakthrough in security

    technology, and we are considering using it on other

    fronts, such as in our lobbying techniques.

 Q. What enhancements to the Tolkien ring network do you

    expect to make in the near future?

 A. Our Miami research center is reportedly  working  on

    something  they  call  a  `Drug' ring, but what that

    really is is anyone's guess.   The  Colorado  people

    are  experimenting  with  anti-tokens, more commonly

    called "hot potatoes", which cause system crashes if

    they  are  held  too long -- great incentive to make

    the network work as fast as possible.  And we  can't

    understand  what  the  California people are working

    on, since too many of them took est.

 Q. What other exciting, new technologies will  IMB  re-

    veal in the next year?

 A. Look for us to be very aggressive in  microprocessor

    and  memory devices.  I shouldn't tell you this, but

    next month we will be announcing a RISC with a 1 GIP

    instruction-fetch  rate,  a 16 or 17 megabit dynamic

    RAM for twelve  cents,  an  artificial  intelligence

    that  will  run  for  president, and a revolutionary

    sexual position that actually cures herpes.

 Q. Thank you Mr. Gray.

    (Muffled  thud and  scream just before the tape runs

    out...).