Moose Droppings #14

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 / \_/\_/  \_/\_/ \ M     M   0000    0000    SSSSS  EEEEEEE / \_/\_/  \_/\_/ \

 \_____/ () \_____/ MM   MM  0  //0  0  //0  S       E       \_____/ () \_____/

      /      \      M M M M  0 // 0  0 // 0   SSSS   EEEEE        /      \

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    /__________\    M     M   0000    0000   SSSSS   EEEEEEE    /__________\

 

       DDDD   RRRR    OOOO   PPPPP   PPPPP   IIIII  N   N   GGGGG   SSSSS

       D   D  R   R  O    O  P    P  P    P    I    NN  N  G       S

       D   D  RRRR   O    O  PPPPP   PPPPP     I    N N N  G  GGG   SSSS

       D   D  R  R   O    O  P       P         I    N  NN  G    G       S

       DDDD   R   R   OOOO   P       P       IIIII  N   N   GGGG   SSSSS

 

       A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE

                                M00SE ILLUMINATI

 

Issue #14|  Disclaimer:  The Editor will place  almost anything  |  Oct. 3, 1988

----------  in this newsletter  out of a frantic desire to fill  ---------------

the issue, so don't  blame him for the  quality or  content  of the submissions.

Excepting those  he may  have written  himself, the enclosed items do not in any

way represent the  Editor's opinions.  In fact, let's be real safe, and say that

as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no  opinions at all.  Okay? Good.

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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************

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     Fellow m00ses, I'd like to apologize for getting this issue out late.

I'd like to say I've been very busy and didn't have time, but the truth

of the matter is, I completely forgot about it.

     Before the actual issue begins, an announcement.  Because some people,

through faulty mailers, or slow distributors, or undetected holes in the

distribution network, are either getting their M00se Droppings very slowly

or not at all, Sabre has started a new CSNEWS list: M00SEDRP.  This will

*not* affect the normal distribution network at all.  If you get your issues

too slowly, subscribe to M00SEDRP to get them faster.  Then, when you receive

a second copy via the distribution network, delete it.

     And now, on with the issue.

 

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<< This letter came to me from Love-Hounds Digest.  If it's true, it's very

   important to all of us. >>

 

  <The following letter was recently sent to the radio station I work

at (WMUA Amherst) by a group in New York called "Music In Action." I

think it will be of interest to many people on the network.>

 

Dear Music Lover,

 

In the last few weeks, the freedom of contemporary music has come

under new and alarming attack.  Lurking in the halls of Congress is

bill S.2033, the deceptively named "Child Protection and Obscenity

Enforcement Act of 1988," which would allow federal authorities to

confiscate the business and personal property of virtually every one

of us.  This bill would enable federal authorities to obtain obscenity

convictions against records (this bill has the same far-reaching

implications for all the other arts - films, books, magazines, etc.),

then to expropriate the goods, bank accounts, homes, automobiles, and

pressing plants of everyone associated with these disks' sales.

Artists targeted incidentally include Prince, Madonna, Debby Boone and

Bruce Springsteen.

 

Here's how it's being done.  Title I provisions of the bill legislate

child protection measures against child pornography, while *Title II

provisions make obscenity a federal crime via the power of Congress to

regulate interstate commerce.* Since the Supreme Court has ruled that

there is no federal standard for obscenity...this bill, if enacted,

would *empower any local extremist group to sue in federal court* the

publisher, manufacturer, or retailer of any material it deemed obscene

*according to it's own local standards.* In addition to the provisions

mandating seizure and forfeiture of property, Title II provides for

*IMPRISONMENT FOR UP TO FIVE YEARS.* This new legislation is the

crowning achievement of the ignominious career of former Attorney

General Edwin Meese who was forced to resign under fire.

 

As of early July, the RIAA's legislative representatives thought the

law had a very low chance of passage.  Belatedly, the RIAA has

dramatically altered it's opinion.

 

Now it appears that the *Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement

Act* will be attached to a package of 'anti-crime' legislation and

rammed through as part of a Fall 1988 election-year ploy.  Senators

and Congressmen will virtually be forced to vote yes for the bill if

they want to demonstrate that they care about crime and the protection

of children.  This bill has already garnered 237 Congressional

co-sponsors, and is drawing an overwhelming volume of mail - all of it

supporting the bill.

 

Music In Action fully supports the Title I provisions of the bill.  We

are strongly opposed to the Title II provisions aimed at denying

adults their constitutionally guaranteed First Amendment rights.

 

Our opponents are well organized.  So must we be.  Our future depends

on it.  Join us in the fight to preserve our right to creative and

artistic expression.  Form a chapter of Music In Action on your campus

immediately and organize a *Music In Action Is Freedom In Action*

campaign.

 

Thanks,

 

Howard Bloom    Bob Guccione, Jr.    David Krebs

 

Founding members of Music In Action

 

For more information call : Laura Gordon 212/644-8900

 

<Above is the un-edited content of the letter (asterisks were added in

place of underlined phrases in the original).  This legislation has

the potential to affect anyone who creates or enjoys any of the arts.

Please re-post wherever you think it will reach interested people.

 

                                                      -Peter E. Lee

 

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<< Sindex has this to say about the new csnotice. >>

 

1)  Since Sabre came up with the idea of the separate csnotice (m00sedrp)

    for m00se droppings, I thought it might be a good idea if Pickle were

    to send a 1-line bl00p to m00se when a new issue came out, so that

    fellow m00se would know if they hadn't received an issue that they should

    have, and could request it from csnews.

 

2)  I'm not sure on the actual mechanics and difficulty thereof, but wasn't

    LISTSERV designed to alleviate distribution problems such as those that

    we're having?  It's spread all over the net, and we wouldn't need people

    to log on and forward things.... If this seems like a good idea, let me

    know and I'll pursue it further and try to figure out just what must be

    done to get it onto a LISTSERV... shouldn't be all *that* tricky though...

 

                                             bl00pfully yours

                                                    Sindex

 

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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************

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<< Yowzah!  A great idea (in my opinion) from Jonathan Clemens. >>

 

I will be attempting to start an Illuminati game over the network, here are

the parameters:

        First 9 People to respond will be accepted.

        List your group or groups of preference, IN ORDER, with your entry.

        If there is enough interest, I will be looking for more moderators, so

if you have a deluxe set and would like to help, tell me that, too.

        Deluxe set, all groups, will be used.

        The Atlanteans, from expansion set #3, will also be used.

        Propaganda and Brainwashing will not be used.

        Building up power and resistance will be used.

        Turnaround time will theoretically be one day per player turn. It will

most likely be slower than that, but it'll be a bit faster than PBM.

        Hidden Illuminati may or may not be used--Vote on this when you enter.

        All dice will be rolled by my vax, so impartiality is assured.

 

                        All questions, entries, and misc. nonsense to:

                                Jonathan Clemens        JSJPC1@ALASKA

 

P.S. Weekly, I will get updates on victors & action to Pickle for publishing;

        here's a fast way to increase your stature among the M00ses!

 

P.P.S. No unexperienced players need apply. I know it sounds cruel but I

        Absolutely refuse to type the entire rulebook into a file. Not only

        would it be a royal pain, it would be illegal (not that I worry...)

 

Oh, By the way, I know this will put distributors at an advantage. I intended

it that way; after all, they need SOME rewards...

 

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<< Some information from Spaceman Biff.  This may help some of you, but

   my mailer still refuses to talk to him. >>

 

Ground control to Major Pickle:

Stand by for incoming drivel......

 

(okay, so it doesn't really rhyme. Haven't youse guys ever heard of an

assonance?)

 

Yo, hey, hey!

 

        I'm given to unnerstan' that yer having trouble reaching me over

bitnet. There is a reason; CHEME is an ARPA host, and does not support

bitnet. However, there are ways about this evil antim00sian censorship.

All the machines at cornell (well, almost all. The PC's and the

dedicated mini's don't count) are tied in a campuswide net, and the I've

Been Moved mainframes are, in fact BITNETtable. It gets worse; my

account is on a cluster of vaxen (still the only correct plural of "vax")

and this tangles the address cluster even worse. Basically, what must be

done is to route mail to me at CHEME through crnlcs.... try sending to

"ZEMANIAN%CHEME@CRNLCS". This is most certainly simpler than the address

wolverine sent you, and may circumvent whatever bottleneck is blocking

the mail. Good luck.

 

                                        Spaceman Biff

 

(the preceding message was brought to you as a public service of Sad

Little Unlaunchable Grounded Spacers (SLUGS), a subsidiary of Beatrice)

 

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<< This from Mary Beth, about the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n. >>

 

I recommend having the next throng a thon during the end of January...where we

can all sleep on people's floors...and die of strep & other unknown diseases...

and drink lots of OJ....

 

kinda a reunion gathering....

 

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<< A very important piece of information from Wolverine. >>

 

   Guess what I found at 7 Rays this weekend...

 

"The Complete Discordian M00semas Celebration Handbook"

written by Andalusia the Heretic..all kinds of neat stuff in it,

including:

 

"There are many ways to celebrate M00semas, all incorrect. Actually

sleeping or even hibernation are most favored of the Gods, but other

possibilities are:

 

* Loafing, lounging, napping, 'veging out', pretending to meditate,

  drifting in and out of light trances, hanging out, viewing TV

  (on or off), and low-energy partying with very mellow friends.

 

* Disconnecting the telephone and doorbell.

 

* Playing cards or board games while making love in a tub filled

  with fragrant warm oils. (if you don't move too fast.)

 

* Feasting on ritual foods, such as a fresh loaf of bread in

  Bullwinkle's image..fruit juice...roast goose...and of course,

  chocolate m0usse.

 

* Avoiding taboo activities such as shaving, worrying, weeding,

  the lawn, housework, and thinking.

 

* Decorating the altar with snack foods, several goblets of wine,

  furry hand puppets, long rubber objects, and love sonnets

  to yourself.

 

* Dressing in brown, fuzzy robes and loafers, and invoking the Gods

  in a hoarse, bugling voice as rarely as possible, from a

  horizontal postion.

 

    So let us all honor the old ways on this day of holy days:

with minimal exertion, go forth and M00SE 0UT!"

 

Well?

 Frank.

 

<< Let it be known that the date of the MegaThr0ng-a-Th0n (to be held, you

   remember, as soon as possible after we get our one-hundredth chapter)

   will, from that day forward, be known as M00semas. >>

 

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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************

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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************

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<< Spaceman Biff was busy this past week.  Here are a couple more of his

   submissions.  The first is about mollusks, which begins with the same

   letter as 'm00se'. >>

 

Bl00p!

 

        Howdy illuminati? All is in disarray here, and therefore, hunky

dory. I thought I might share with y'all (I'm from the South, dammit!

Well, Long Island is in the southern portion of New York State, is it

not? Doesn't that count?) a bit of forensic m00siness that Herr Trelf

and I have been wrestling with, in hopes of solving some of life's

mysteries involving the briny deep. In response to an invite to a pahty

near hallowed evening, I made mention that oysters are a disreputable

lot, living only to be eaten alive and growing gallstones to be hung

about the necks of hair girls. The reply was swift and incisive, and gave

birth to The Trelf Letters, below:

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Biffer,

    Greetings!  Knew you wouldn't be able to attend the party, but

didn't want you to feel left out, so I sent ya' an invite.  AS for

druids, I was called a peddler ofcheap silks this weekend by one druid

in particular!!!  All because I helped you with your Latin grammar!  So

I guess we're both merchants now....and as for clams..

 

 I once had confab with a clam

 On the topic of green eggs and SPAM

 It was quite jolly, talking with Rollie

 Rollie the Multi-Valved Clam

 And in the moonlight, Rollie and I

 went hunting for chicks, keeping an eye

 out for clam-hunters, who with their devilish sticks

 would chase down the clams and cut off their-----

 

     <Sadly enough, the preceding broadcast was cut short

      when the broadcast booth was blown up by

      Clamnesty International, who cited the vulgar,

      violence-invoking as the cause for their pyrotechnic

      display.  Their leader, Rev. Jerry Clamwell, had this

      to say about the incident:

 

          "Those bloody bastards had no right singing those

           lyrics against us clams!  It's anti-clamitism!

           Why, how would THEY liked to be covered in tartar

           sauce and have US come up and bite their ---"

 

         [ They above statement was cut short when an unknown

          bit of plankton came up and whacked Rev. Clamwell

          over the head with a 20 lb. sack of compressed kelp.

          The Plankton stated that he wasn't really against

          clams or their causes, but had just woken up on the

          wrong side of the bed that morning.  He then began

          to slaver and scream that Satan would purge the

          world of Blue Whales, and was carried of by

          several state and city officials.  We now return

          you to our normaly scheduled program,

          Auntie Edna's Clam and Plankton Cooking Contest.]>

 

And just why DID Julia Child spend so much time stuffing ducks?  I

think it was sexual frustration..maybe we should right to Dr.

Ruth Westheimer...she'll answer stuff that Ann Landers* won't.

Ciao for niao,

See you Thurs. and Sun.,

M00sepapa Wolfie

 

 

* -     For more on Ms Landers' lack of response to valid questions, see

        the accompanying letter, which was sent but not answered several

        months ago. --S.B.

 

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                                                Sept 27, 1988

 

So! How's it going, Clamrade?

 

        Thanks for the response, but I think you missed something

crucial in there somewhere. I believe I was talking (and rather kindly,

mind you) about oysters, not those lowlife trollops; clams. Actually, I

guess clams aren't so bad, they simply come from a broken home (seagulls

will do that, you know); having been forced to leave their parents with

nothing but the shells on their backs. The ones I really hate are the

scallops. (oooh. That word gives me cold shivers down the spine when I

even type it, much less say it.) These filthy little buggers are the

most perverted swine of the deep. I'm not the only one who thinks so,

either. Why do you think Shell Oil uses the shell of a scallop (oooh.)

as their logo, huh? I'll tell you why: SEX SELLS!!!!!!!! Those miserable

smut-brokers are appealing to man's baser instincts. (and lets face it,

what red-blooded American male HASN'T felt sexually attracted to

scallops (oooh.) at one time or another?) Notice, however, that they

haven't the guts to admit it right out and call themselves the Scallop

(oooh.) Oil Company. Oh, no. They'd rather abuse a harmless word like

"shell" and then show a picture of one half the exoskeleton of a scallop

(oooh.) and send our teenagers' hormones racing. Makes me sick. See you

Thursday.

 

 

                                If hot dogs are a symbol of all that is

                                American, does that explain why George

                                Bush is trying to be such a wienie?

 

 

                                        --Spaceman Biff!!!!!!!

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Biffer,

    Greetings!  I realize that you were talking about Oysters,

but you know those mollusks...they all look alike...and I really

wouldn't worry about scallops ruining the morals of todays youth...

In the latest Reader's Digest poll, 90% of the youth polled said they

didn't take scallops seriously, and believed they were only a passing

fad, much like Morton Downey Jr.  7% said they believed that the

scallops were being prostituted against their will, and these youth

planned to write letters to Nancy Reagan about a "Scallops Say NO"

campaign.  1.5% believed it was just a bum wrap, 1% believed

the scallops were actually hippies re-mutated due to a latent effect

in the drug LSD, which, after an incubation period of 10 to 15 years,

would cause hippies from the Sixties to degenerate back to some form

of oceanic life, and .5% actually Worshipped the Scallop, claiming

"...the Scallop shall bring us back to the Holy.  The Scallop shall

bring us back to the pure.  The Scallop shall heal the ills of the

materialist world we live in.  The Scallop is all-knowing.  All

Praise the Holy Scallop. Ooommm!" [At which point the youths, who

called themselves The Holy Zionistic Scallop Movement, began doing

their Sacred Scallop Dance, which included stripping half their clothes

and hiding behind large cardboard cut-outs of the Shell logo.]

 

So you see, there really isn't much to worry about scallops.  they are

basically harmless little shellfish which make a damn good meal. Now,

if I were you, and since we are almost the same shape, it COULD happen,

I'd worry about that etel symbol of innocence, the baby deer.  Think

about it...why would they just stand there and let themselves be run

over..could they be some form of strange occult worshippers?

food for thought from your M00sepapa,

Frnak

 

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So that's the extent of the discussion to this point. Any additions

from interested illuminati would be muchly appreciated. Perhaps one day

we can accomplish one of my greatest personal goals in life; the

formation of a Pangalactic Mollusk Malignment Foundation. Unfortunately,

this name does not land itself to any decent acronyms, as "PMMF" sounds

suspiciously like the sound made by a m00se upon inhaling (gad!)

DORITOBREATH VAPORS!!!!!. I would have liked to have come up with an

organizational name that acronymizes (Aaagh! Beware the creeping

verbformers!) to OOOH, but there just aren't enough "O" words around to

do it.

 

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<< This is another Spaceman Biff submission. >>

 

        Oh yeah, about the Ann Landers thing. Youse guys might like the

following letter, which she hadn't the guts to answer.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

                                                S. Tickelrod

 

                                                Dept of Ch. E.

                                                Olin Hall, Cornell University

                                                Ithaca, New York

                                                14853

 

                                                June 8, 1988

 

 

        Ms. Ann Landers

 

        c/o The Chicago Tribune

        Chicago, Illinois

 

 

        Dear Ann,

 

                Not long ago you printed a letter from a bride-to-be who

        was concerned that the practice of throwing rice at weddings

        kills birds who eat the rice. (Presumably, it swells up in their

        bellies.) Well, yesterday I read an article from an ornithologist

        at Cornell University who says that rice is okay after all. I

        thought I'd share a few helpful hints for those who are still

        worried for the birds' safety: firstly, throw birdseed instead,

        or, if that's too expensive, cook the rice first. That way, it

        won't swell up anymore after it's eaten, and you can save money

        too, since you get three cups of cooked rice to throw from every

        cup of uncooked rice; a savings of 67%.

                I hope I've saved a few brides some worry.

 

                                                Keeping the Faith,

 

                                                        --S. Tickelrod

 

                                                        Ithaca, New York

 

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<< This one I'm stealing from WEIRD-L@BROWNVM.  It's too good not to share. >>

 

Ben Johnson comes to heaven, but in order to be alowed to get inside,

he must win a 100 m run against GOD.

 

They both start very quickly, Johnson runs in the incredible time

9.79 (without doping), but GOD runs in 7.03 ...

 

Johnson says : Hey man, havent you doped in order to make it so

               quickly ?

 

GOD says     : Sure man, but this is not the first time ...

               How do you think I was able to create the whole

               world in only 6 days ?

 

<< Could explain a few things, no? >>

 

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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************

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Due to the size of this issue, a m00se list update will follow the issue.