What's Alien You? by Dave Barry

         What's Alien You?

by Dave Barry

I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth

will be destroyed in the next several days.  Congress is thinking about

eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien

beings.  This would be a large mistake.  Alien beings have atomic blaster death

cannons.  You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor

people.

I realize that some of you may not believe that alien beings exist.  But how

else can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are always

sighting, such as lightning and flying saucers?  Oh, I know the authorities

claim these sightings are actually caused by "weather balloons," but that is a

bucket of manure if I ever heard one.  (That's just a figure of speech, of

course.  I realize manure is silent.)

Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your immediate

family, ever seen a weather balloon?  Of course not.  Nobody has.  Yet if these

so-called authorities were telling the truth, the skies over America would be

dark with weather balloons.  Commercial aviation would be impossible.

Nevertheless, the authorities trot out this tired old explanation, or an even

stupider one, every time a flying saucer is sighted.

    NEW  YORK --  Authorities  say that the   gigantic,  luminous object

    flying at tremendous speeds in  the  skies  of Manhattan last night,

    which was reported by more than seven million  people, including the

    mayor, a Supreme  Court justice, several  bishops,  and thousands of

    airline pilots, brain  surgeons,  and certified public  accountants,

    was simply an unusual  air-mass inversion.  "That's  all it  was, an

    air-mass inversion," said the authorities, in unison.  Asked why the

    people also reported seeing the words "WE  ARE ALIEN BEINGS WHO COME

    IN PEACE WITH CURES FOR ALL YOU MAJOR DISEASES AND A  CARBURETOR THAT

    GETS 450  MILES PER GALLON HIGHWAY ESTIMATE"  written on the side of

    the object in letters over three hundred feet  tall, the authorities

    replied, "Well, it could also have been a weather balloon."

Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien beings! They

are all around us!  I'm sure most of you have seen the movie E.T., the story of

an alien who almost dies when he falls into the clutches of the American

medical-care establishment, but is saved by pre-adolescent boys.  Everybody

believes that the alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects.  But watch the

movie closely next time.  The alien is real!  The BOYS are fakes!  REAL

pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks.

Yes, aliens do exist.  And high government officials know they exist but have

been keeping this knowledge top secret.  Here is the Untold Story:

Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government scientists

decided to broadcast a message that would be simple, yet convey a sense of

love, universal peace, and brotherhood: "Have a Nice Day."  They broadcast this

message over and over, day after day, year after year, until one day they got

an answer:

    DEAR EARTH PERSONS:

      OK. WE ARE HAVING A NICE DAY. WE ALSO HAVE A NUMBER OF EXTREMELY

    SOPHISTICATED WEAPONS, AND UNLESS YOU START BROADCASTING SOMETHING

    MORE INTERESTING, WE WILL REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A VERY WARM OBJECT

    THE SIZE OF A CHILD'S BOWLING BALL.

REGARDS,

THE ALIENS

So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the aliens,

broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens LOVED it.  They demanded

more, and soon they were getting all three major networks, and the Earth was

saved.  There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE.  They love

game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and "Dallas."  Whenever a network tries

to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the

planet.

This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful.  It isn't

designed to please you: it's designed to please creatures from another galaxy.

You know the Wisk commercial, the one with the ring around the collar, the one

so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would dream of

buying the product?  Well, the aliens LOVE that commercial.  We all owe a great

debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk.  They have not sold a single

bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they have saved the Earth.

Very few people know any of this.  Needless to say, Congress has no idea what

is going on.  Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast without the

help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious

threat from outer space.  But if they go ahead with their plan to cancel the

alien-broadcast program, and the aliens miss the next episode of "General

Hospital," what do you think will happen? Think about it. And have a nice day.