The 9 Types of Boyfriends

                       The 9 Types of Boyfriends

 Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
 Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
 Snugglepup
 Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
 Disadvantages:  Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

 Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.  Let's
 stay home and watch TV."
 Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow
 Mover, Jerk
 Advantages:  Stays put; predictable
 Disadvantages:  Royal pain in the ass

 Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
 Also known as:  Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
 Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
 Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

 Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
 Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n'
 Dumb
 Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
 Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

 Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
 Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
 Advantages: Well rested; easy target
 Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams

 The Sneak - "Who, me?"
 Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
 Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
 Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

 Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed
 weasels, OK?"
 Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
 Advantages: Perpetually aroused
 Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

 The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous.  I don't know how,
 but--"
 Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
 Advantages: Tells good stories
 Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"

 Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like
 crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
 Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
 Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
 Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction


                       The 9 Types of Girlfriends

 Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't
 have"
 Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
 doormat
 Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
 Disadvantages: May wise up someday

 Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of
 a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
 Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from
 Hell
 Advantages: Pays attention to you
 Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

 Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet.  My cramps.  My cellulite"
 Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
 Advantages: Predictable
 Disadvantages: Contagious

 The Bosser - "Stand up straight.  Put on a different tie.  Get a haircut. 
 Change your job.  Make some money. Don't give me that look."
 Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes
 Mom
 Advantages: Often right
 Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

 Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide.  Should I switch my
 career, goals, home, and hair color?"
 Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
 Advantages: Easily soothed
 Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

 Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
 onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
 Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
 Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
 Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

 Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
 at"
 Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
 iceberg, Snarly
 Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
 Disadvantages: You will have no friends

 Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I
 feel about our relationship"
 Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
 Artistic
 Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
 Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

 Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
 handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed
 weasels now"
 Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
 Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
 Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

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