Dan Brow's Encounter

 Wed 31 Jul 91  1:19

By: Dan Brown

Re: Journal stuff

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  To follow are multiple messages which are excerpts from my personal journal.

They do not represent the entirity of my experiences, and many things have

been left out for varoious reasons. Those reasons include, but are not limited

to; privacy, and not being of importance at present.


  Why am I doing this?


  Glad you asked! <Grin>...


  Well, long ago, someone, who shall remain nameless (John Powell), offered me

some good advice pertaining to keeping my experiences to myself until I was

ready to freely discuss them, and felt comfortable with my experiences...

After all, they are my experiences and I'm the one that has to live with them.


  Now, the following lengthy dissertation, as I've mentioned, is not a

complete journal of what I've experienced, and at this point in time, it's not

completely acurate.  I have learned a few things about my experiences, and

have added new ones, clarified old ones, and been overly astonished with

certain abilities and disabilities in dealing with the things that have

happened in my personal life.


  I'm putting out these journal excerpts mainly as a way of dealing with my

life and to reach a further understanding of my experiences. The things in my

excerpts are not in anyway astonishing, so please don't expect to read about

space ships in the night, or exchanges of information with other worldly

beings... It's just your typical wierd stuff, and I need to let it go so that

I can move onward!


  I do have a tendency to ramble on, so please bare with me.  I've left some

of the more obscure ramblings in tact, (especially at first), so yell if I get

too off the wall, and leave you confused... It's my nature...  <Grin>...


  Any comments or suggestions are happily welcome... flames > nul


  Get a bag of Doritos out (preferably cool ranch) and a tall glass of Pepsi

(no Coke... It doesn't mix well with my Journal excerpts!) I'm about to get

longwinded again!


Re: journal 1

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    Encounter Journal

Dan Brown



      I have  been sitting  here trying  to ascertain how it is that I find

    myself actually making entries into a  journal of this nature The idea

    of possible personal experience involving alien contact or abduction or

    whatever this may be, is far beyond my capability to reason.  I have no

    full conscious memory  of having  encountered anything  that represents

    something other  than Human kind as I  know it, but my  mind continues,

    with great  persistence, to tell  me that something  has happened to me

    along the way.


      Previous to a few  weeks before starting this journal, I had not been

    overly interested in  the "UFO/Other/Visitor"  phenomenon, or for that

    matter,  in  abduction  cases.  Although   I  am  not  ignorant of the

    phenomenon, I  did not actively follow it.  UFO stories had their place

    in my life in  much the same way as the telling of ghost stories did on

    those starry nights  while camping far from  the safety of civilization

    and home.


      So again  I ask myself  how  was it  that I came to this point that I

    have even considered  it a viable  necessity  to keep a journal?  I did

    not amass  information from  research and  literature to deduce a sound

    logical  hypothesis  on this phenomenon.  What  brought  this about was

    something simple.  On my computer, I  run an  electronic bulletin board

    system.  Another  systems  operator in my area  announced  that he was

    starting up  a local conference  via our network.  The topic was to be

    alien encounters and sighting and he was asking other operators if they

    would consider carrying this conference on their systems.  I agreed to

    carry  it.  It  seemed  interesting,  but  I  wasn't actually going  to

    participate in the conference.


      As messages start being written in this conference, I glanced through

    some  of them, and the moderator of the conference mentioned something

    about  a  period  in  his  life where he had missing time.  I had never

    actually thought  about anything of this nature, so I read the message.

    I couldn't actually  relate to the situation he had  described. Later,

    he had posted a few more messages and wanted  the  participants in the

    conference to keep an open mind about the topic, and to try to remember

    if any strange events had taken place during their  lives.  If anything

    came to mind  that was of any relation to the conference, he would like

    to hear about it.  I  didn't  think too much  about  his request, so I

    didn't  bother  to  join  in.  Later that week,  I unexpectedly started

    remembering  things  from  my past that literally scared me.  I had not

    thought about my experiences  in quite a long time.  Some  of them had

    terrified  me  to  no  end, and I wasn't in  any  hurry  to bring those

    memories into my conscious thoughts.


      After having those memories become present in my mind, I went back to

    look more closely at  the  conference  messages, and found one that was

    written  by  the  conference  moderator noting  techniques  to help get

    information  from  the  subconscious  to  the conscious as directed  by

    one  Dr. Edith Fiore.  This technique  involved  the  use  of a simple

    pendulum, that with practice, would allow your subconscious mind to let

    the answer to simple yes and no questions to come through.


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Re: journal 2

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      I knew, or at least assumed, that this could not really be considered

    a  clinical  technique, but  I felt  compelled to try. After practicing

    with the pendulum for a few days, I was able  to get  it to respond, in

    the prescribed manner, to yes and no questions with ease.


      I began to formulate a set of questions that I would ask myself about

    my memories,  and their  relationship  with possible "Other than human"

    encounters  I may or  may not have had.   Being  a skeptic by nature, I

    felt extremely  ridiculous  in  doing  this,  but I  proceeded with the

    experiment  nonetheless.  If  I  had the  foresight through all this, I

    would  have  recorded  my list of questions,  and  their responses, but

    alas,  I  didn't seriously  think that this would progress as far as it

    did.  I can  only recount  what  I can  remember,  and  what has  made

    profound impressions upon my way of thinking, my life, and its possible

    implications.


      At first, using the  pendulum,  I asked myself general questions such

    as  is  my "Name", "Do I live in California,"  etc...  I  moved through

    questions that  I knew to be true, and those that I knew were false. In

    each case, I  received the  appropriate response.  I  practiced in this

    manner  for  another  two days,  then decided that I was at least semi-

    proficient with the pendulum, and moved on to harder questions.


      o Note:  I must clearly acknowledge  that  I  am  not  in any  way a

        clinical professional,  nor  am  I a professional observer.  I  do,

        however, suffer from agoraphobia which does tend to force me into a

        position of being very observant of my  surroundings and mental and

        emotional states.


      I made  sure  to incorporate questions that  would  offer  a specific

    response around  questions  that might  be sensitive or peculiar.  This

    was done for the sake of having something  to  ground my responses with

    as  one  might  do  with polygraph examinations.  For  example, when I

    planned  on  asking  a  question such as "Did I sense there was someone

    present  in the room"  and I received "Yes" as an answer, I would ask a

    question that would  gain  a  negative  response such as, "Do I live in

    Nebraska,"  then  I  would  repeat  the  first  question  and note the

    response.  Also, this technique would help give something  to gauge my

    emotional responses  against,  and  offer  some  report  of how I  was

    mentally dealing  with  the  line of responses received.  All questions

    were prefaced with the understanding that all answers were "To the best

    of my knowledge" including the questions themselves.


      Proceeding  with  my  venture into the past, I singled out a specific

    experience that occurred  at  around the age of six years old. Keeping

    simple and concise I moved into  an  arena that was extremely difficult

    for  me.  This  particular  episode  is detailed later in this journal.


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Re: journal 3

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      I asked myself, using the pendulum, if I remembered the experience in

    question.  The  let  the  questions move in their own direction, basing

    each  question  on  those  previously asked, but keeping as close to my

    line of questions as possible.


      Do I remember the experience?             Yes

      Was I dreaming?                           No

      Was I awake and aware?                    Yes

      Did I feel a presence in the room?        Yes

      More than one presence?                   Yes

      Did I feel it was my parents?             No

      Did I feel it was one of my parents?      No

      Do I remember something placed on the

      right side of my mouth?                   Yes

      Was this a dream?                         No

      And so on . . .


      I tried to be as objective  as  possible, but it was not easy, as I'm

    sure this journal will prove.


      In my memories of the event, I remembered something being place in my

    mouth.  I  had  always  remembered it being something like a probe, but

    I'm still not sure if this  was  the case.  I asked questions about the

    episode.  I did not get the answer I expected.


      Was something placed into my mouth?       Yes

      Was this something like a probe?          ?

      Do I remember something like a

      culture being taken?                      ?


      I stopped  when  I got to this area of questioning.  I repeated these

    last few questions several times.


      o The  technique  with the  pendulum had been fairly dependable up to

        this  point, but when  asking the questions  about  the "probe" and

        "culture," I got no response.  My  mind  was rather hesitant about

        asking these questions.  Such questions would clearly  open into an

        area that my conscious mind did not want to deal with.  Consciously,

        I would consider this a violation of my person.  As a child, I may

        not have understood this reasoning, but as an adult  can see  it's

        possibilities and ramifications as something that  is not pleasant

        and not something that I want to experience in my life.


      At first  I  thought that  I  was  being silly sitting here with this

    homemade pendulum asking silly questions,  and  getting non-answers.  I

    must simply be in the throngs of lunacy to be  doing  such things. This

    was, to me, proof that I had no real experience, and that I should just

    ignore what must just be a confused response to new  stimuli, and chalk

    it up to a bad case of "Ghost story" jitters.  After all, this was just

    a dream I had been concerning myself with, nothing real  to be bothered

    about, and certainly not congruent with reality as I knew it.


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Re: journal 4

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      The next day it occurred to me that  I had either asked  the question

    incorrectly,  or  I  had  another  question  that I hadn't asked at all

    pertaining  to  the probe experience.  "If something wasn't being taken

    out of my mouth,  was  something being put in?"  This had never crossed

    my mind.


      Whenever I  had  though  about  my  "Dream" at age six, it was always

    accompanied with memories of something like  a culture being taken from

    my mouth.  Never before had I considered  to ask myself such an obvious

    question.  Why  should  I  have?  It was apparently just a bad "dream."


      On the  rare  occasion  when I have told others about this "dream," I

    was always told that it  sounded  more logical that something was being

    put in my mouth rather than what  I  suspected.  On  these occasions, I

    did  not  hear what was said.  Not that I just misunderstood, but their

    words were replaced, in my mind, with other words so that I effectively

    did not hear  their words.  I can only assume that my mind did not want

    to hear this and  chose, rather, to block out such explanations.  After

    the thought finally  occurred  to  me, I  mentioned my "brain storm" to

    these  people  and was abruptly told that  this  was something they had

    already told me.


      o I must note  that, other  than my wife, I have only told two people

        about this experience.  I did not  randomly choose these two people

        to relate my tale to, but waited  and  watched to feel sure I would

        not  be  ridiculed  when  I  brought  this  up in the conversation.

        Incidentally, after discussing this,  one of the two people related

        some interesting experiences of their own, which came very close to

        some things that I had not mentioned previously.


      o I have told little to my wife about my situation. I have let her in

        on  the  basics,  but  have resigned myself to keeping the emotions

        away  from our discussions.  I do  not want  her  to become fearful

        about my sanity,  or  my situation.  Her  response to this has been

        that this "all sounds about right . . ."   I was not actually ready

        for such a reply.  She has supported me during  all this, and seems

        to accept the inevitability that this sort of thing  is normal, and

        that it happens every day.  I have yet to ask if she  feels she has

        been involved in some sort of similar experience.


      I  waited until the  following  day before proceeding with my line of

    questioning.  I had  to deal with  my  fear  of  finding  out what  had

    happened  to  me.  Whether  or  not  using  the  pendulum  was a valid

    technique no longer made a difference.  It was an anchor to reality.  I

    was not, nor am I now, sure I like this possible new reality but it  is

    mine, and as such, I must live accordingly.


      Proceeding onward, I asked if something was being administered to  me

    orally rather than  a  culture being  taken, and the answer was in the

    affirmative. I have no idea of how I would know if something was being

    put into my mouth if a probe was being  used. It would seem to me that

    both  techniques using  a similar instrument would be almost impossible

    to deliberate.


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Re: journal 5

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      After thinking on this for sometime, I came up with  the thought that

    it  is  possible  for  the  human  brain  to  keep  track of biological

    integrity whether it  be  a  natural  occurrence  of  enzyme action, or

    external induction.  To be honest, this happened so  long ago that even

    thought I remember the incident  clearly, some aspects are a bit  hazy.

    I  would  not testify,  based  on what I remember, that  a "probe"  was

    used during this episode.  Sometimes it seems as  though something  was

    poured or dropped into my mouth, and then other times I  think it was a

    probe.  I  can't  be  certain  which.  I  do  know,  however, that I do

    believe that something  has  happened  to me, and that it does not fall

    into the category of normally accepted reality.


      This  is what  brought  me  to the  point  where I became involved in

    seeking answers to questions that I  sincerely  wished would have never

    surfaced.


      I  realize  that I'm being long winded, but long windedness is one of

    my ways of getting these  things  out  where  they  can  be dealt with.

    Unfortunately, being  given to long windedness, I tend to sacrifice the

    even flow, and contextual continuity when writing. . .


      Let me move onward. . .


      Here  are  some accounts of episodes that, to the best of my ability,

    I have remember which have occurred since the age of two.  Some may be

    related, and some may be just strange events. I'll include what I can

    recall. . .



    THE INCIDENT WITH THE EASTER BUNNY:


      At  around the age of two or three, my parents and I were living in a

    house  on South Powell street in Columbus Ohio. On the occasion of this

    event, I  was  sitting  up  in  the  lower bunk of my bunk bed. It was

    early  morning, and  my bedroom  door was open.  My  mother was in the

    habit of opening my door each night before she retired for the evening.

    I  do not remember waking up that morning, I just remember being in the

    lower bunk,  and looking out  into  the hallway  (Assumed time would be

    approximately  between  6:00 to 7:00 am.  since  the  light of dawn was

    making it easy to see,  and my parents were not up yet.)  I am not sure

    what it was that I saw, my mind could not really understand it. It was

    something  living  and  moving.  In  my mind,  I assumed it must be the

    Easter Bunny since Easter was not far away.  (I would presume that this

    would  make  around mid to  late March to early April.)  I watched this

    thing move down the hall away from my bedroom.  It turned and looked at

    me briefly,  gave  sort of a  wave, and then disappeared. I remember it

    walking down the hallway,  and then it wasn't there any longer.  It was

    not easy to look at it.  It  didn't  seem to  be  solid, and fluctuated

    between what  I  suppose  I superimposed in my mind of a picture of the

    Easter Bunny, and something  that  was kind of a white and illuminated.

    I  remember  the  picture of the bunny more clearly than the other.  (I

    must point out that I do not actually clearly  remember seeing the part

    that was illuminated.  It is simply an impression.)


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Re: journal 6

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      After  it  left, I only  remember laying back down on my bed thinking

    that I must have been being a good boy or  else  the Easter Bunny would

    not  have  let  me  see him.  I wanted to get out of bed, but I was not

    allowed to get up until my parents woke.


      One  thing that puzzles me now that I think back on this incident, is

    that I  was  not  at all frightened.  All I can remember of my thoughts

    from that experience  is that I saw something I did not understand, and

    in trying to make sense  of  it, I gave it identification as the Easter

    bunny.



      o Awhile  after the  incident  with the Easter Bunny, my parents were

        separated.  I was  not  really aware  of this, since my mother just

        told me that we were going to go "visit" some friends for awhile. I

        have  considered that proceeding episodes might be related in  some

        way to this separation  with  manifested feelings of anxiety, fear,

        and guilt, but I really believe that I dealt with those feelings in

        ways not related,  or  entering  into the territorial boundaries of

        what I recount concerning the topic at hand.



    THE WITCH IN BLACK:


      At the  middle of September, we were living with a lady and her three

    daughters in  an  area of  Columbus I was not familiar with.  We stayed

    there until, I believe, the first part January.


      In the early part of October, shortly after my third birthday, I  was

    sleeping in a room which I shared with my mother.  It was very early in

    the  morning  when  I  realized that  I was  wide awake.  (I was almost

    always the first one to wake up.)  I noticed  the presence  of someone

    else in the  room  besides me  and my mother.  Whatever  it was, it was

    standing near  the head of the cot I slept in, and as I became aware of

    where it was, I  turned my head to see what was there.  Being a chicken

    by nature, I shut my eyes and turned away at the first glimpse. What I

    do recall seeing was something dressed in black, not like a shadow, but

    in  black  clothing,  and my  impression was that whoever I saw did not

    look normal.  I hid my self under my covers, and remained there until I

    felt  whoever it was leave.  I  listened  for  any sound or evidence of

    movement,  but did  not hear anything.  No door  opened  or closed,  no

    window was opened.  I could feel it near me  for a short time, then it

    left.  I ventured a look, and it was no longer in the room.


      Being close to Halloween,  I assumed it must be a witch, and I didn't

    want to tangle with any witches. . .

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Re: journal 7

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    NIGHT PICNIC AT THE BEACH:


      o Since  I'm  not sure  of the date  sequence of this episode, I will

        interject it here for the sake of convenience.



      In 1959,  my mother and I moved to  Jacksonville Florida to stay with

    my uncle Ron.  He lived in a new housing area which was,  at that time,

    named  "Sandalwood".  About nine months to a year later,  my mother was

    introduced to a fellow serviceman of my uncle stationed at the May Port

    Naval station.  They were soon married and  bought a house in the same

    housing area,  but on the far side,  where recent construction was just

    being completed.


      When my step-father was in port, we would frequently go out for night

    time picnics at the beach.  On one  particular occasion, we set out for

    the evening.  Driving out to a secluded  stretch of  road running along

    the coast,  we could not find any spot that pleased my step-father, so

    he decided that since we had driven quite a way already, the best thing

    to do was to turn around,  and just  find any decent place to pull off,

    and have our picnic there.


      We  drove  back the  way we  had come,  and I entertained myself  by

    watching the  stars in the evening sky as we went along.  After awhile,

    I noticed that neither my mother or step-father were speaking, which to

    me, was not the ordinary course of  events that usually took place when

    we were out for the evening.  I popped up from the back seat, and asked

    when we were  going to stop and have  our picnic,  to which I was given

    the answer  that we had already stopped,  had our picnic,  and were now

    returning home.  I  had no recollection of stopping anywhere, nor had I

    remembered  eating anything.  I only remembered  driving down the road,

    and watching the stars.


      When we  arrived home,  my mother took our  picnic things out of the

    trunk and took them into the house.  As I watched, she proceeded to put

    the entire, un-eaten, contents of the our picnic supplies back into the

    refrigerator.  After  doing this,  my parents  retired  for the evening

    without giving any explanation, or thinking that one was necessary.


      During all of this, I just watched without questioning their actions.


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Re: journal 8

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    NIGHT VISITS:


      During the early part of 1961,  I began having events take place on a

    nightly  basis which  spanned, as best  as  my memory  can ascertain, a

    period of one month.


      At some point during each night,  I would wake up to the feeling that

    something  was being  placed on the right side of my mouth. The object

    was cold, and had a texture similar to glass, or metal.

Directly after

    this, I would feel a probe being placed into my mouth, and moved around

    as though a culture was being taken.  I do not remember the texture of

    the probe itself, other than the impression that it was thin.  I do not

    remember any sensation of temperature connected with the probe.


      From my  point of awareness, and wakefulness,  these episodes seem to

    have only taken about ten to fifteen minutes.  If more was involved,  I

    have no current knowledge of it.


      During each visit,  I would wake up  terrified, afraid to move out of

    fear that I would be hurt.  My heart was racing excitedly  out of fear.

    I surmised that since I was being still, and  nothing had hurt me thus

    far,  more of the same immobility was  in order.  On  later "visits", I

    tried  to move, but  was unable  to control any  motor functions  other

    than those  involuntary  functions such  as heart reat, breathing, etc.

    with the exception of one time.  At one point during the probing, I was

    able to open my eyes slightly.  When I did this, I saw something like a

    white sleeve, and part of what looked like a hand close to my face. The

    hand moved toward my face, and I quickly shut my eyes.


      On  multiple  occasions,  after having one of these nightly visits, I

    managed  to get out  of bed, and would  check to see  if my mother was

    doing these things to me.  On each  occasion,  I would find her in her

    room, sound asleep, with no signs of stirring.


      At one point,  as one of these visits  ended, and I felt the presence

    leaving, I struggled to get my eyes open, and as I did, I looked toward

    my  bedroom door.  It was  moving from and  open  position to a closed

    position as  though someone had pulled on the handle, then let the door

    close on its own.  I got up as quickly as my body would allow, and went

    to see if my mother had been in my room.  Again, she was sound asleep.

    I  then cautiously  looked around the  house,  checking outside through

    the windows.  I saw no signs of any movement, no cars, no lights  other

    than porch lights from neighbors a block down.


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Re: journal 9

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      In the following weeks after the nightly visits ended, I

began having

    a strange  sensation  come over me for short periods of time,

becoming

    more increasingly in frequency and duration until July 4th,

1963.  This

    sensation is that of feeling extremely "spacy", or as though

I'm seeing

    life through  someone elses eyes, or  though I'm watching

everything as

    if  it were  all on television. (My  apologies for my  lack  of

 proper

    descriptive examples.)  I have  heard that this  sensation is

much like

    the  effect of  hallucinagenic drugs on the human nervous

system.  This

    sensation has been with me since 1964 without any sign of

lessening.


      Shortly after the sensation became permanent, I began having

problems

    with my left ear.  I acquired a nasty ear infection which

resulted in a

    rupture that left a good portion of my bed covered in blood,

and placed

    me  in a  coma for  three days.  I don't  remember  anything

that would

    connect  this  with my previous experiences  other  than that I

seem to

    feel that it is somehow related.


      Another situation that began directly after the night visits

ended is

    the recurring akinesiatic experience.  I have no other term to

which to

    refer,  so please pardon  my usage  if it proves  to  be

incorrect.  My

    definition in this  context pertains to the inability of

movement, and

    lack  of all motor function control with exception of minor eye

control

    in some instances.  Generally, as the akinesia overtakes me, I

can move

    somewhat for a few seconds, then I become completely immobile.


      In almost all instances when I am overcome with akinesia, I

am alone.

    On the few occasions when I've been in bed and my wife is there

asleep,

    I have been  unable to wake her.  With the exception of my

wife, I have

    never experienced akinesia when anyone else was present.


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Re: journal 10

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    MISSING TIME ON THE FREEWAY:



      I am unable to recall the date, or even the year when this

situation

    took place.  I believe to the  best of my assumptive  ability

that the

    episode took place in 1984 or 1985.



      I was returning late  one night from visiting friends that

lived in a

    nearby town.  I was driving home alone, and the traffic was

very sparse

    to non existent.  I remember being at about half  way home (at

about 25

    miles) and the next moment, I was about 100 yards from my turn

off from

    the freeway.  I was  completely confused when  I realized

where I was,

    and thought I had  managed to  get  myself to Los Angeles.

There  were

    still  no cars on the freeway with me, and I was still in the

same lane

    I  was in 25 miles back.  I  have no idea what  happened during

that 25

    mile drive.  I  got  home as quickly  as I  could, and went

directly to

    bed.



    UFO SIGHTING:



      In 1984, while walking  back from  the local mini-mart with

my friend

    Gene, I  happened to  look up into the night  sky and  I say

three tri-

    angular shaped  objects at just above the cloud ceiling.  They

appeared

    to have a luminescence  that looked to me to be much like a

flourescent

    coloring.  The objects were  in a delta  formation,  directly

above my,

    and slightly to  the  right moving  in a south to north

direction. They

    appeared to move at the same pace as I was walking.  I watched

them for

    about 30 seconds and though that I should get Gene's attention

and have

    him take a  look.  As I  did this, they  took  off to the north

up at a

    great speed.  With the darkness, and the cloud ceiling, I was

unable to

    calculate the distance,  or size of the objects.  There were no

running

    lights of any  kind,  and no sound that I could perceive.  That

was the

    extent of my personal UFO related sightings.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: journal 11

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    AUTOHYPNOSIS:


      At one point, I decided to try autohypnosis to see if I could

uncover

    some possible information to determine  if I had actually

experienced a

    UFO related encounter.  Since my experience of the  night

visits at age

    six seem to be most predominant, I chose to start there.


      Proceeding through the induction, and preliminary steps, I

found that

    I had successfully brought myself to an acceptable state of

suggestion.

    My primary  desire was to take  myself back to the night where

my first

    memory of the episodes took place.  Through suggestion, I tried

to have

    myself start at the point where I was just falling asleep, but

couldn't

    do so.  Instead, I found myself standing outside the house we

lived in

    at the time,  looking up at my  bedroom  window. Rather  than

it  being

    evening,  it was mid afternoon.  I tried  once again to place

myself at

    the point  where I was  just falling  asleep, and again, I

found myself

    outside the  house looking  at my bedroom window.  I tried a

third time

    with  the same  results.  Seeing that  I was not  going  to be

able to

    proceed  in the manner  I had desired, I let  myself start

outside the

    house, looking at the window.  After starring at the window and

 seeing

    the vividness of my memories, I moved to make my way into the

house.


      o In real time,  I'd often stood outside my bedroom window

looking up

        to see if anyone could see in.


      I recalled  memories of  things I hadn't thought  of  for

years,  and

    others  that  I hadn't  remembered  until then.  I made my way

into the

    house, and  down the hall to  my old bedroom.  There  were many

 things

    that caught my eye of rememberance,  but I will leave those out

of this

    dialog for the sake of getting more to the point.


      I stood in my room  seeing it just as it was.  I enjoyed

myself to no

    end,  but knew I had gone to the trouble of doing this to see

what was

    possibly hidden in my subconscious.


      I managed  to bring myself to the time I had fallen  asleep.

At this

    point I decided to begin maintaining myself in the role of an

observer.

    I watched  as I fell  asleep, and allowed  time t o progress

toward the

    incident in question.  At this point, I was unable to see

myself laying

    in my bed, or to see the room anymore.  I was no longer in the

position

    of the  observer, but actually  beginning to relive the

experience all

    over.  I became  a bit frightful about this, but I was

determined to go

    through with this, and bring back all of the information I could.


      Toward the  end of the autohypnosis, I began  to move

directly to the

    point where I first became aware that something was happening

to me.  I

    tried to move further  into the memory, but I was abruptly

stopped by a

    pair of ugly, large black eyes, and the word "NO!". . .


      This scared the pants off  me, but I would persist in my

endeavor.  I

    tried the same thing twice more, and ran up against those eyes,

and the

    word  "NO!".  I  decided that I  had  pushed my luck  far

enough,  and

    brought myself out of the hypnotic state.


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Re: journal 12

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    PERSONAL BIO:


      Do to the  "spacy" feeling  I have had for nearly thirty

years, I did

    seek out medical, and psychological help.  In all cases, I was

found to

    be in good health, and suffering from no mental illnesses.  I

underwent

    various  medical and  psychological  testing. These  tests

included CAT

    scans,  EEGs,  testing for temporal lobe epilepsy.  The  only

negative

    findings that were brought out  were that I was suffering  from

Polycy-

    themia Vera (a blood disorder,) and that I  had carpel tunnel

syndrome.


      Since the age  of six,  I have been agorophobic, and pretty

much stay

    to myself.  I am very hesitant to open up to people unless I

feel I can

    trust them.  I wouldn't  say I'm  paranoid,  but I do tend to

extremely

    cautious of my surroundings, and who is near me.  I have very

few close

    friends, but those friends are ones that I can trust.


      The most overwhelming hurdles for me to overcome are, and

have always

    been, my sense of non-identity and anxiety. Constantly, I live

with the

    feeling  of  violation, an  at the  same time, longing for  a

return of

    those  that have caused me to feel this way.  Part of  my life

is lived

    in secret, and that  in itself causes me more stress than most

anything

    else.


      Fortunately,  with the help of two friends, L. Morgan, and J.

Powell,

    I have  managed to learn to deal with this unusual state of

strangeness

    in my life.  Although  I have  come to grips with what may be

happening

    to me, I cannot say that I have sorted through  and  understood

 all of

    the  realities and  implications involved.  I am  still

searching  for

    those  illusive answers.  In time I may come to know  for sure

what has

    been happening to me, but till then, I must endure and persevere.


      I had wanted  to find some  quote from literature to use as a

way to

    communicate my emotional response to what I have been going

through. I

    wanted to use the quote as an epilogue to this communication.

Alas, I

    could  find nothing  in the bounds of my meager library that

bear  the

    import of my feelings.  Of the few quotes I found, I was not

satisfied

    with  their  congruency.  I  did find  something that I had

personally

    written a  few years  back that came  as close as  anything

else I had

    come across. I would like to close with that quote here. . .


         The coldness of the evening air moves swiftly across your

face

                     Like the unwanted touch of loneliness.

      The skies of winter approach, bring the heartless cries of

farewell

                     To the passing of autumn, now ringing,

                         And left echoing in your ears.


                                Alone you stand.


                All that have gone before speak in hollow tones

                           As if to guide your path.

          Their words, still sharp in your mind, cannot bring

comfort.


                              Alone you stand, and

                         Alone you must bear your quest.


                                     ---


  I hope that I have found, in this echo, the strength to stand

alone,

and to stand with friends...


  Take care,


  Dan



 * Origin: Gates of Delirium: Sacramento, Ca.: (916)446-7286:

(1:203/163)

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