Daffy Computer Definitions

 Advanced: (adj.) doesn't work yet, but it's pretty close. See: bug, glitch.

Analyst: (n.) one who writes programs and doesn't trust them. A cynic.

ANSI: (n.) A graphics mode used to turn 2400 baud modems into 300 baud modems.

Assembler: (n.) a minor program of interest only to obsessed programmers.

BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word oxymoron.

BBS: (n.) (v.) a system for connecting computers and exchanging gossip, facts,

               and uniformed speculation under false names. 2) the process

               of using a modem

Benchmark: (n.) a test written ostensibly to compare hardware or software,

  but actually used by manufacturers to misinterpret or quote out of

  context in advertisements.

Binary: (n.) a two-valued logic especially susceptible to glitches and

  bugs. It originated as a way of counting on the thumbs, since programming

  managers usually find fingers far too confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal.

Boot: (v.) 1) to load the operating system into a computer. 2) a common

           expression of frustration by programmers 3) what employers do to

           programmers who kick their computers

Bug: (n.) any program feature not yet described to the marketing department.

Bus: (n.) a connector you plug money into, something like a slot machine.

Byte: (n.) eight bits, or one dollar (in 1950 terms). Presently worth about

           two-tenths of a cent and falling fast.

CGA: (n.) Cute Greenback Accumulator

CGA: (n.) Crummy Graphics Adapter

CAD: (n.)  1) a method of generating poor drawings more slowly than might

           otherwise happen. 2) supporting computer literacy on the job

C: (n.) the language following A and B. The world still awaits D and E. By

        Z, it may be acceptable for general use.

Chip: (n.) a stylized picture of a logic diagram on refined and alloyed

           sand. See: glitch, bug.

COBOL: (n.) an old computer language, designed to be read and not run.

            Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.

Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs favored by programmers. (v.) the

           process of concealing bugs by programming.

Cookie: (n.) any recondite message displayed by a time-shared system. the

  message is not often seen, because it only appears when the system is

  operating properly. Common cookies include the timeless "Murphy was an

  optimist" and "When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and

  shout."

Copy Protection: (n.) a means of circumventing various rights granted by

                      the Constitution so as to artificially inflate profits.

CPU: (n.) acronym for Central Purging Unit. A device which discards or

          distorts data sent to it, sometimes returning more data and

          sometimes merely overheating.

Crash: (v.) to terminate a program in the usual fashion, i.e. by locking up

            the computer of setting a fire at the printer. (n.) the process

            of such termination.

Data: (n.) raw information, esp. that supplied to the central purging unit

           for transformation and disposal.

Data Base Manager: (n.) any fast filing system which gives misleading

                        answers. Also see: menu, bug.

Diagnostic: (n.) a test foolishly but often believed to determine the

  reason for a particular failure. Competent professionals prefer the I

  Ching or phrenology.

Digital: (adj.) of or pertaining to the fingers, esp. to counting on them.

                See: Binary, Hexadecimal, Octal.

Documentation: (n.) a novel sold with software, designed to entertain the

                    operator during episodes of bugs or glitches.

DOS: (n.) Acronym. a program which outputs questions given answers, putting

          users in jeopardy.

EGA: (n.) ENHANCED Greenback Accumulator

EGA: (n.) Expensive Graphics Adapter

Educational Software: (n.)software designed to enlighten children who can

                          operate a computer and type, but can't read or write.

Emulate: (v.) to simulate hardware glitches with software bugs. Emulator:

              (n.) a program which emulates. See: Virtual.

Engineer: (v.) to build something with bugs (software) or glitches (hard-

               ware). (n.) One who engineers.

Format: (v.) to erase irrevocably and unintentionally. (n.) The process of

             such erasure.

FORTH: (n.) a stack-oriented programming language written right to left and

  read from bottom to top. It runs efficently on no common computers and is

  written effectively by no common programmers.

FORTRAN: (n.) an ancient programming language which changed IF's to GOTO's

              by using a strange three-valued logic on binary computers.

Glitch: (n.) an undocumented design feature, esp. of hardware.

GOTO: (n.) an efficient and general way of controlling a program, much des-

  pised by academics and others whose brains have been ruined by over-

  exposure to Pascal. See: Pascal.

Hard Disk: (n.) a rapidly spinning platter divided into sectors. See:

                Sector, Glitch, Bug.

Hardware: (n.) anything prone to physical failure.

Head: (n.) the part of a disk drive which detects sectors and decides which

           of the two possible values to return: 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'

Hexadecimal: (adj.) of or refering to base-16 numbers - binary numbers

  grouped four digits at a time so as to quadruple the opportunity for

  glitches and bugs. Originated as a means of counting on the fingers of

  one hand, using the thumb for the 'carry.' Purists who don't like to use

  the thumb at all prefer 'octal.' See: Octal, Binary.

Icon: (n.) a complex, blurry, and easily-misinterpreted pictorial represent-

  ation of a single unambigious word. Preferred by illiterates and semi-

  literates for these reasons, and by others because it slows most computers

  down so even a cretin with an IQ of 53 may justly feel superior.

Increment: (v.) to increase by one, except when segments are used; then, the

  increase may be by sixteen unless word mode addressing is used in which

  case the increase is by one or two, depending on the processor and whether

  the address is on an even boundary or such increase causes an overflow

  exception processor fault, which may either cause the program to crash or

  decrease by a large number instead of increase, depending the register

  used and the operation being attempted.

Iterate: (v.) to repeat an action for a potentially and often actually in-

              finite number of times.

Joystick: (n.) a device essential for performing business tasks and training

  exercises esp. favored by pilots, tank commanders, riverboat gamblers, and

  medieval warlords.

K: (n., adj.) a binary thousand, which isn't a decimal thousand or even

  really a binary thousand (which is eight), but is the binary number

  closest to a decimal thousand. This has proven so completely confusing

  that is has become a standard.

Kernal: (n.) a misspelling of 'kernel' used by beginning (funtionally

             illiterate) programmers, especially those with knowledge of C.

Kernel: (n.) the core of a program, i.e. the source of all errors. Thus the

             common misspelling, 'kernal.'

Keyboard: (n.) a device used by programmers to write software for a mouse or

  joystick and by operators for playing games such as 'word processing.'

Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to fix a program in the usual way.

Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything which uses advanced technology. See:

                         Advanced.

License: (n.) a covenant which tells the buyer that nothing has been pur-

  chased and that no refund, support, advice, or instruction may be

  anticipated and that no resale is permitted. A modern way of saying

  "Thanks for all your money and goodbye," far less crude than "Stick 'em

  up" but even more effective since the purchaser will often borrow the

  funds requested.

Logic: (n.) a system of determining truth or falsity, implication or

            exclusion, by means of a sort of binary Oneiromancy.

Loop: (n., v.) 1. a series of instructions to be iterated. 2. the process of

               iterating them. Most loops are unintentional and can be quite

               droll.

Macro: (n.) a series of keystrokes used to simulate a missing but essential

            command.

MacIntosh: (n.) a computer designed for users who can't read.

Megabyte: (n.) more than you can comprehend and less than you'll need.

               See: UNIX, OS/2.

Megahertz: (n.) a way of measuring how well your computer matches the fre-

  quency of your local television channels. Most computers perform exception-

  ally well on this test, especially the higher-quality foreign-made ones.

Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of which is either unsatisfactory or in

           some fashion contradictory.

Micro-: (prefix) anything both very small and very expensive.

Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or bug.

Modem: (n., v.) a device used to connect computers (see: BBS) or the process

                of transmitting data between or among computers, esp. for

                those unable or unwilling to speak.

Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with exceptionally poor picture quality

              and limited to a single very local station.

Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version of the software 'kernel.'

Mouse: (n.) an input device used by management to force computer users to

            keep at least a part of their desks clean.

Multitasking: (v.) a sophisticated method of running several programs very

                   slowly. See: Microsoft Windows, TopView

Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a thousandth, but not a binary thousandth in

                either case. Decimal is used for all very small measurements

                since no further confusion is necessary.

Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system designed so that one hand may count upon

            the fingers of the other. Thumbs are not used, and the index

            finger is reserved for the 'carry.'

Offset: (n.) a method which permits access to any memory location in thou-

             sands of ways, each of which appears different but is not. Used

             with segments. See: Segment.

Operator: (n.) 1. One who has no experience with computers. 2. Any beginner,

  esp. one part of whose salary is paid in soft drinks and processed salted

  food treated with dangerous and illegal drugs or preservatives. Differs

  from a programmer in that a programmer will often take the dangerous and

  illegal drugs or preservatatives directly.

Pascal: (n.) a classroom project which was released before it could be

             graded - probably a good idea, considering. One wishes the

             University had had a better system of academic controls.

Patch: (v.) to fix a program by changing bytes according to the rules of

            logic. (n.) Any repair of this form.

Pirate: (v., n.) to steal software, or one who is such a thief. True pirates

                 see nothing wrong with thievery, having successfully

                 forgotten or repressed all moral values.

Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of memory naively thought to be the stack in

          a futile attempt to keep a program running.

Portable: (adj.) that which can be physically moved more than a hundred yards

  by an unaided Olympic athlete without permanent damage to that individual

  more than 50% of the time.

Printer: (n.) a small box attached to a computer and used to start fires in

              cold weather.

Procedure: (n.) a method of performing a program sub-task in an inefficient

  way by extensively using the stack instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.

Processor: (n.) a device for converting sense to nonsense at the speed of

                electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.

Program: (n.) that which manipulates symbols rapidly with unforseen results.

              Also: a bug's way of perpetuating bugs.

Programmer: (n.) 1. one who writes programs and trusts them. An optimist. 2.

  Any employee who needs neither food nor sleep but exists on large quanti-

  ties of caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and machine-vended preservatives

  thinly disguised as foodstuffs.

Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand way of describing a series of bugs to

                           a computer or a programmer.

Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a random operator error. Also a game

             where the computer plays the part of Vanna White and the operator,

             a contestant. There are no prizes for winning.

Push: (v.) to put into an area of memory believed to be the stack for the

  ostensible purpose of later retrieval. Tonkin's rule: In any program there

  are always more 'pushes' than 'pops.' See: Recursion.

QWERTY: (n.) a method of encryption used on most keyboards

Quantum leap: (adj.) literally, to move by the smallest amount theoretically

  possible. In advertising, to move by the largest leap imaginable (in the

  mind of the advertiser). There is no contradiction.

Recursion: (n.) a programming method which tests the limits of available

  memory in an iterative way by using the stack. When the program fails, all

  memory has been used. Memorize this definition, then see: Recursion.

Register: (n.) a part of the central purging unit used to distort or destroy

               incoming data by arbitrary rules. See: Increment.

Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or sold to, blood kin. See: True relational.

SQL: (n.) an undefined method of extracting unknown information from a

          magical database

Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is inscribed 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'

             See: Hard disk, Head, Glitch.

Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or complicating access to memory in an

  attempt to break  a programmer's will to live. Outlawed by both the

  A.S.P.C.A and the U.N. but still practiced in some backward areas of the

  world. See: Offset.

Software: (n.) anything other than hardware. That which hardware manufact-

               urers can blame can blame for physical failures.

Sort: (v.) to order a list of data in such a way as to destroy all relation-

           ships between the items. (n.) The process which accomplishes this,

           esp. if it takes a very long time.

Source Code: (n.) a record of a programmer's thought for a period of time. A

                  stream-of-consciousness novel or short story.

Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing repeatable answers from insufficient data

  for superficial purposes. Also, a game played during office hours by bored

  or restless yuppies.

Stack: (n.) any area of memory which grows and eventually destroys both code

            and data. (v.) To place in such an area.

Standard: (n., adj.) a design target which manufacturers may embellish,

                     improve upon, or ignore as they wish, so long as it can

                     be used profitably in their advertising.

Transportable: (adj.) said of software - that which can be put on a new

  machine in less time than it took to write in the first place. Said of

  hardware - that which can theoretically be moved more than ten feet in one

  minute by some combination of machinery or explosives. The meanings are

  equivalent.

Truly relational: (adj.) relational, but where the paternity is indubitable.

TSR: (n.) acronym for Terminate and Stay Resident. A way of turning a useless

  computer with plenty of memory into a computer with no memory at all.

TopView: (n.) an expensive IBM program written to slow down computers that

              run too fast. See: Multitasking

Turbo-: (prefix) computer software which uses air under pressure (supplied by

                 a special fan) to achieve high performance.

User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized, slow, incapable, and boring.

                      See: Icon, Mouse.

UNIX: (n., v.) an OS which needs more memory than you have and run more slowly

               than you can bear. To UNIX: to grossly enlarge and slow down

               out of all proportion, esp. by using C.

User: (n.) one who knows from experience that programs cannot be

           trusted. A realist.

Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's lackey.

Virtual: (adj.) emulated. See: Emulate.

Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's promises with carefully-worded exceptions

               which cancel each of the promises in turn. See: License.

Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a large and easily-read display into

                      many small, cluttered, and confusing ones.

Word Processor: (n.) A program which makes a $5,000 computer into a $250

                     typewriter. A computer game for beginning operators.

WORM: (n.) acronym for Write Once, Read Mangled. Used to describe a normally-

           functioning computer disk of the very latest design.

XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.

Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks used by computer diagnosticians when performing

             the ritual of the I Ching. See: Diagnostics.

Zaxxon: (n.) a sophisticated simulation and design program used by the

  brightest programmers to test the consistency of internal logic and memory.

  Management prefers to use games such as 'spreadsheet' for the same purpose.

Emoticon: Senseless drivel perpetrated on innocent BBSers, such as ;->,

          |-), etc......

Loop, Endless: (n.) see Endless Loop

Abasement: (n.) A decent a customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth 

or power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when addressing his superior.

Abatis, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from 

           molesting the rubbish inside.

Abdication, n. An act by which a sovereign attests his sense of the high 

               temperature of the throne.

Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly 

               discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Ability, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner 

ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis 

ability is found to consist mainly of a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, 

however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to 

be solemn.

Abdomen, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial 

rights, all men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a 

stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a halfhearted 

and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one diety that men really adore 

they know not. In woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race 

would become graminivorous.

Abridge, v. t. To shorten.

        "When in the course of human events it becomes nescessary for a people 

to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinons of mankind requires 

that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation."

                                                   -Oliver Cromwell

Abscond, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of 

              another.

Absentee, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 

             himself from the sphere of action.

Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 

pleasure. A total abstainer if one who abstains from everything but 

abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Abrupt, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and 

the departure of the soldier whose interests were most affected by it. Dr. 

Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another author's ideas that they were 

"concetenated without abruption."

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 

              opinion.

Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy, n. (from academe) A modern school where football is taught.

Accident, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural 

             laws.

Accord, n. Harmony

Accordion, n. An instrument of harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

Accountability, adj. The mother of caution.

Accuse, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a 

             justiciation of ourselves for having wronged him.

Acheivement, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

Adage, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Acknowledge, v.t. To confesss. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the 

                  highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

Admiral, n. The part of a warship that does the talking while the figurehead 

            does the thinking.

Actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Adore, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

Affianced, pp. Fitted with the ankle-ring for the ball and chain.

Alliance, n. In international politics, the union of two theives who have 

their hands so deeply in each other's pocket that they cannot separately

plunder a third.

Aquaintance, n. A person we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 

enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is 

poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

Adamant, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in a 

            solicitate of gold.

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders it would be too 

            expensive to punish.

Antipathy, n. The seniment inspired by one's friend's friend.

Apologize, v.i. To lay the foundation for future offence.

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

Appetite. n. An instinct thoughtfully provided by Providence as a solution to 

             the labor question.

Architect, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your 

              money.

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and

     water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote

     intellectual crime.

Kleptomaniac: (n.) A rich thief.

Labor: (v.) One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Trivia pursuit -

    The cumination of man's

    never ending search for a

    lack of purpose.

       - B.C. -

Liar: (n.) A lawyer with a roving commission.

Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly

               as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.

Mad: (adj.) Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...

Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

.

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works

of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject

with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human

knowledge.

Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks

     he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief

     occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,

     which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest

     the whole habitable earth and Canada.

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that

      they are in the market.

Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is

distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit

of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,

indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the

corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion...

Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are

the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with

Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --

whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation...A

fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any

more about the matter than the others.

Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.

Mythology: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its

origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished

from the true accounts which it invents later.

...It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it

is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists

have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of

smell.

  -- Ambrose Bierce

November: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.

Once, adv.: Enough.

In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last

resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but

inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.

  -- Ambrose Bierce

Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by

     the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior

     in scope, for it balks at pig.

Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the

                  on roof and gets stuck.

                           

Blithwapping - v. Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the

                  wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.

 Burbulation - n. The obsessive act of opening and closing a

refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic

light comes on.

 Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun) - n. The act, when vacuuming,

of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and

picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the

vacuum one more chance.

 Magnocartic - n. Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts

shopping carts.

 Cinemuck - n. The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate

which covers the floors of movie theaters.

 Elbonics - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest

in a movie theatre.

 Flannister - n. The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer

together.

 Fenderberg - n. The large glacial deposits that form on the insides

of car fenders during snowstorms.

 Furbling - v. Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport

or bank even when you are the only person in line.

 Genderplex - n. The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is

unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g. turtles and

tortoises).

 Gleemites - n. Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.

 Gurmlish - n. The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich

which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the

roof of his mouth.

 Idiot Box - n. The part of the envelope that tells a person where to

place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

 Krogt - n. (chemical symbol: Kr) The metallic silver coating found

on fast-food game cards.

 Lactomangulation - n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk

carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.

 Mittsquinter - n. A ballplayer who looks into his glove after

missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.

 Mustgo - n. Any item of food that has been sitting in the

refrigerator so long it has become a science project.

 Narcolepulacy (nar ko lep' ul ah see) - n. The cantagious action of

yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.

 Pediddel - n. A car with only one working headlight.

 Petribar - n. Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been

sitting in the window of a vending machine too long.

 Phosflink - v. To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if,

somehow, that will bring it back to life).

 PIYAN (pi' an) - n. (acronym: "Plus If You Act Now") Any

miscellaneous item thrown in on a late night television ad.

 Purpitation - v. To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you

don't want it, and then put it in another section.

 Scribline - n. The blank area on the back of credit cards where

one's signature goes.

 Slurm - n. The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar

when it sits in the dish too long.

 Spagmumps - n. Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany

mail-order items.

 Spirobits - n. The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral

notebook.

 Spirtle - n. The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands

right in your eye.

 Squatcho - n. The button at the top of a baseball cap.

 Telepression - n. The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing

that you did not try hard enough to "look up the number on your

own" and instead put the burden on the directory assistant.

 Snacktrek - n. The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of

                constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes

                that something new will have materialized.

 Yinkel - n. A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping

             no one will notice.

 Nugloo (nug' lew) - n. Single continuous eyebrow that covers the

                        entire forehead.

Aquadextrous - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet

                    on and off with your toes.

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> SIMPLE

 SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming

 Linguistic Environment. This language developed at the Hanover College

 for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to

 write code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined

 to BEGIN, END and STOP. No matter how the statements are arranged,

 you can't make a syntax error.

 Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus, they achieve the

 results of programs written in other languages without the tedious

 frustrating process of testing and debugging.

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> SLOBOL

 SLOBOL is best known for the speed, of lack of it, of its

 compiler. Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break

 while they compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to fly to Bolivia to

 pick the coffee.

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> LAIDBACK

 Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which

 was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,

 Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more

 intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

 The center was ideal for programmers who like to soak in hot tubs

 while they work. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there

 for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC cola in favor of

 bean curd and Perrier.

 Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a

 gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded

 to syntax errors with the message "Sorry man, I can't deal behind that."

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> SARTRE

 Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an

 extremely unstructured language. Statements is SARTRE have no purpose;

 they just are. Thus, SARTRE programs are left to define their own

 functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are

 no fun at parties. 

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> C- 

 This language is named for the grade received by its creator

 when he submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class.

 C- is best described as a "low level" language. In fact, the language

 generally requires more C- statements than machine-code statements

 to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> LITHP 

 This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by

 the absence of an "S" from its character set. Programmers an users

 must substitute "TH." LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing

 lithtth. 

Advanced Programming Languages:

-> DOGO

 Developed at the Massachusettes Institute of Obedience

 Training, DOGO heralds a new era of computer literate pets. DOGO commands

 include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO

 is "puppy graphics," a small cocker spaniel that occaisionally leaves

 a deposit as it travels across the screen.

 

 -- MOUSEKETEERS: Those who favor the Apple Macintosh interface.

 

 -- FOM: Forget-only memory.  New advanced chips that retain data only until

the moment you need it.

 

 -- WYSIWYCA: Pronounced "WHIZZYWICKA."  An offshoot of WYSIWYG (what you see

is what you get).  WYSIWYCA means "what you see is what you can't afford."

 

 -- VERTICAL ACCELERATOR DOWN TIME: The dropping of a computer off a ten-story

building.

 

 -- GACKER: A hacker with a headcold.

 

 -- PIXELATION: The look in the eyes of babies born to mothers who stared at

VDT terminals too long during pregnancy.

 

 -- NERD PROCESSING: The movement of computer science majors through graduate

schools.

 

 -- MICRONS: New microprocessor chips that are so tiny that insects are

constantly carrying them off and building anti-human machines with them.

 

 -- MERV: Micro-Electronic Revolutionary Visionaries.  Computer industry

heroes such as Steve Jobs and Nolan Bushnell.  As in, "It takes hard work,

guts, and gobs of venture capital if you want to be a merv."

Definition: COBOL- Confused Oriental Bean-cOunting Language.

Definition: FORTRAN- FOrmless TRANslations.

Definition: BASIC- Beginner's All-purpose Sloppy Instruction Code.

Definition: Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.

Chaining, (n.) A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.

Definition: Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.

Definition: Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.

Definition: External Storage - A wastebasket.

Definition: Fixed Word Length

- Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion.

Floating Control: A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the

                  restroom but cannot leave the computer.

Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.

Definition: Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.

Definition: Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".

Definition: Address     - Type of attire worn by some female programmers.

Definition: Algol - The husband of Polygol, their missing daughter is Polygon.

Definition: Altair      - A place where computers are sacrificed.

Definition: Array       - A blast from a CRT.

Definition: Backup      - Opposite of forward.

Definition: Branch      - A stick used for beating.

Definition: Buffer      - A programmer who works in the nude.

Definition: Coding      - An addictive drug.

Definition: Computer- A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Definition: CP/M        - Program listing for 'Look in the evening section'.

Definition: CPU - C3PO's mother.

Definition: Dip - Inventor of a famous switch.

Definition: Disk Drive - A motor for a frisbee.

Definition: Duplex      - Having two apartments.

Definition: Forth       - One of the top five computer languages.

Definition: GiGo        - Garbage in garbage out.

Definition: IBM - Computer company: "Itty-Bitty Machines" Corporation.

Definition: IBM - Corporate motto: "I've Been Manipulated."

Definition: IC  - Understanding as in 'Oh, IC'.

Definition: Initialize - Carving your initials on a floppy disk.

Definition: Iterate- A healthy illiterate.

Definition: Joystick- A peripheral intended for use only by consenting adults.

Definition: Keyboard- Resembling a typewriter, a keyboard is used for

                      entering errors into the computer.

Definition: Kilo - What you could have spent your money on if you hadn't

                   bought the computer.

Definition: Language- A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.

Definition: Math Chip- A piece of a broken abacus.

Definition: Megabyte- A nine course dinner.

Definition: Memory Map - A sheet of paper showing location of computer store.

Definition: mHz- Acronym for 'Megahurtz', meaning 'a million pains'.

Definition: Microfiche - Sardines.

Definition: Nanosecond - Mork's stunt man.

NEWDOS - Acronym for 'Not Exactly What the Dealer Offers to Sell you.

Definition: Password- The nonsense word taped to the CRT.

  Daffynition--AUTOEXEC.BAT "A sturdy aluminum or wooden shaft

               used to coax AT hard drives into performing properly"

Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as

they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out

a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer

to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with

an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then

point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy

health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,

not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we

find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all

the others who have tried it.

Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group

 decide that nothing can be done.  -- Fred Allen

Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

                                        -- Milton Berle

Committee--a group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the

 unnecessary.  -- Stewart Harrol

DECEPTION EXPERIMENT: An experiment in which the researcher is pleased to

 believe that the true nature of the situation is unknown to the participants.

 Typically the only parties deceived are the funding agency and the journal

 editor.

DESIGN SIMPLICITY: costs (manufacturer's) cut to the bone

DIAGNOSTIC: software which runs to completion no matter how broken the

DIPLOMACY: Lying in state.  -- Ambrose Bierce

DIPLOMACY: Patriotic art of lying for one's country.

DIPLOMACY: The art of fishing tranquilly in troubled waters.

DIPLOMACY: The art of jumping into troubled waters without making a splash.

DIRECT SALES ONLY: manufacturer had argument with distributor

DISTINCTIVE: a different color or shape than our competitors

DOUBLE-BLIND EXPERIMENT: An experiment in which the chief researcher believes

 he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a

 belief in the tooth fairy.

FAITH: An illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

                                        -- H. L. Mencken

FAITH: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks, without

 knowledge, of things without parallel. -- Ambrose Bierce

FIELD TEST: Putting your software out to pasture.

FIELD TESTED: manufacturer lacks test equipment

FOOLPROOF OPERATION: no provision for adjustment

FUTURISTIC: can't figure out another reason why it looks as it does

8-BIT MACHINE - a computer selling for four quarters

16-BIT MACHINE - a computer selling for two bucks

6502 - the year we will finally pay off our computer system

6800 - the year we will finally pay for the peripherals

8080 - heck of a lot bigger gun than a 3030

68000 - the year we will have our programs debugged

ACOUSTIC COUPLER - lips

ADA - computer language written for government use (presently undefined as

      are most government languages)

ADDRESS - type of attire worn by female programmers (even some males)

ADVENTURE - complex game involving puzzles, mazes, uncertain goals and a

            huge waste of time. Also known as debugging.

ALPHANUMERIC - inventor of characters used by computers

ALTAIR - 1) a place where computers get married.

         2) a place where computers are sacrificed.

The ANY key - that big long thing on the bottom of the keyboard.

APL - what is left of an Apple computer after it is dropped from

      a third floor window.

APPLE - a computer used by hard core programmers.

APPLICATION - a generic name for a type of program. No one is certain what

              an application program is but it always has a big price tag.

ARRAY - a blast from a CRT

ASCII - usually used in pairs used for going down a snowy hill.

ASSEMBLER - a person who puts your computer together after it has been

            aligned by a computer club (see computer club)

ATARI 800 - a famous John Wayne movie involving elephants.

ATARI 400 -  8mm silent movie version.

BACKUP - opposite of forward.

BANK SELECT - used by theives to determine who they will rob.

BAR CODE READER - an electronic device used to find taverns.

BASIC - a computer language used for generating errors

        (most billing programs are in BASIC)

BATCH PROCESSING - making lots of cookies at once.

300 BAUD - a person with a bad figure

1200 BAUD - a person with a good figure

2400 BAUD - Christie Brinkley watch out!

BCD - three of the first four letters of the alphabet.

BLOAD - short for Bad Load

BOOT - steel tipped foot covering for kicking a computer (boot up the system)

BOOTSTRAP - a garment worn by programmers when running sexy programs.

BRANCH - a stick used for beating CPU'S

         (if it is watered someday it will turn into a computer club)

BSAVE- short for Bad Save

BUBBLE MEMORY - your spouse's nickname for you.

BUBBLE SORT - your spouses name for your friends.

BUFFER - a programmer who works in the nude.

BUG - an intercom network used in the Watergate Hotel.

BURN IN - opposite of burn out.

BYTE - what you do when you are eating something

C64- new language for 64 bit computers (computers not yet in existence)

CHIP - one California Highway Patrol.

CLOAD - a command used to lock up the keyboard.

CODING - addictive drug.

COMMAND - a suggestion made by a computer.

COMPAQ - an IBM after being run over by a transfer truck

         (Itty Bitty Bitty Machine) see 'IBM'

COMPILER - a person who piles compost.

COMPUTER - a device used to speed and automate errors.

COMPUTER CLUB - 1) baseball bat used to align data in a computer.

                2) The group of people who spilled beer over your keyboard.

COMPUTER MAGAZINE - the place where your computer stores ammunition.

COMPUTER NERD - junior computer salesman who THINKS he knows it all.

CONFIGURE - a slang term - the price a salesman quotes to you over the phone

            to con you into stopping by his place of business.

CPS - term used in word processing systems (Corrections Per Second).

CPU - C3PO's mother.

CRT - a superlethal Defense Department weapon now being developed by NBC,

      CBS & ABC.

CSAVE - a command used to write blank tapes.

CURSOR - something that you yell at when something goes wrong.

CYCLE TIME - when gas gets to $5.00 a gallon.

DATA - the first words of a baby programmer

DATA GENERAL - a General in the army who spends his time reading data.

DAISY WHEEL - a mechanical simulation of a flower used by programmers when

              reciting to their computer   I love it, I love it not

DEBUG - a can of Raid sprayed into the keyboard.

DENSITY - a programmer you can't understand in single density and makes

          no sense in double density.

DESKTOP PUBLISHER - a pencil, paper, paste, and some crayons

DIGITAL - something done with the fingers to check computer mathematics.

DIGITAL COMPUTER - a computer which uses your fingers and toes for counting.

DIGITIZER - the computer equivalent of an Alka-Seltzer.

DISASSEMBLER - another term for computer club.

DISK DRIVE - a motor for a Frisbee.

DISK PACK - six cans of fluid used by disk drive technicians used to improve

            their thinking.

DOCUMENTATION - instructions that came with your computer that tells you how

                much more money you will have to spend to make it work.

DOS - short for Disk Operating System. A course taught at Auburn University

      in Frisbee throwing.

DOWNLOAD - taking a you-know-what

UPLOAD - constipated

DUPLEX - having two apartments.

DUMP - spouses term for area around your computer.

EBCDIC - security system used by IBM means: Erase Backup, Chew Disk,

         Ignite Cards.

EDITOR - a program which deletes obscene commands.

ELECTRIC CRAYON - toddler version of Electric Pencil.

ELECTRIC PENCIL - great technological advancment.(batteries not included)

EPROM - acronym (Exit Program Read Owners Manual)

ERROR TRAP - a black hole inside a computer used to capture bugs.

EXECUTION - what your computer did to your program known as murder.

EXPANSION - computer slang for vital parts missing. A computer with expansion

            capabilities will only work when extra parts are purchased.

EXPRESSION - a quaint phrase uttered when the computer does something

             unexpected. (ex.%$*&,<>!!!!!)

FIFO - a good name for a French poodle.

FLAG - white sheet raised by computer used to indicate surrender.

FLIP FLOP CIRCUIT - a device used by politicians used to determine policy.

FLOPPY DISK - back pain you claimed what from an old war injury.

FORTRAN - a high level computer language use by those who have mastered

          the BASIC syntax errors and are looking for a challange.

GENERAL PURPOSE COMPUTER - a computer not good at anything.

GIGO - garbage-in-garbage-out

GLITCH - a bug with ambition.

HACKER - a frustrated programmer armed with a hatchet.

HANDSHAKING - a symptom of too much programming. Most commonly seen in

              programmers who have just had their program erased by a power

              fluctuation.

HANGUP - when your computer won't run Interlude.

HARD DRIVE - having to drive through Dallas at rush hour.

HASHING - a programming technique where nice neat information is made 

          indecipherable.

HEWLETT PACKARD - the inventor or the Packard automobile.

IBM - Itty Bitty Machine

INFINITE LOOP - see Loop

INSTRUCTION - a suggestion made to a computer.

JOYSTICK- frozen OLD CROW on a stick

LANGUAGE - a system of organizing and defining syntax errors.

LINE PRINTER - computer used for writing excuses.

LOOP - see Infinite Loop.

LOWER CASE - something in small claims court

MICROPROCESSOR - a food processor for small folk.

MODEM - acronym for Most Oratory Device Ever Made

MOUSE - a small device with a tail that lives on the port in the back of

        your computer.

NANOSECONDS - Mork's stuntman.

NETWORKING- course taught at Mississipi University for Women in knitting

OBJECT CODE - reason given by a computer as to why it won't run a program.

OPERATOR - the guy/gal who gets all the hot dates.

PASCAL - (* for those with *)    (* a modular way *)     (* of thinking *)

PERIPHERAL - that device you had absolutely no use for but just had to have.

PERSONAL COMPUTER - a computer that makes smart remarks about you.

PROGRAMMER - a person who thinks he knows how to talk to a computer.

PROM - acronym Please Read Owners Manual.

PROMPT - Please Pay Your Bills.

PROTECTED DATA - (definition withheld)

RS-232 - R2D2's father.

SCREEN - a wire mesh used to protect the computer from  the programmer.

SCROLL - what the instructions do when you are trying to read them.

SERIAL PORT - what a captain yells when breakfast is on the left side of a ship

SIX PACK PLUS - 7 course service in fine restaurants consisting of a six pack

                of beer and a hot dog. (potato chips optional)

SPREADSHEET - what a bull does

TDC-2000 - Totaly Disgusting Computer (cost $2000)

TERMINAL - the mental state of most programmers.

 TRS-80 - what is left of a Tandy Radio Shack - 80 computer after it is thrown

          from a third floor window. Also known as Trash 80.

UPPER CASE - something in the Supreme Court

USER FRIENDLY - guaranteed to be the hardest program to learn and use.

VOLITILE STORAGE - disk drive filled with nitroglycerin

WORD PROCESSOR - cuts words out of documents

 XMODEM - 1) generic brand modem (ex. BRAND X)

        - 2) an adult-rated computer

 YMODEM - a female modem.

Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls

         coins out of one's pockets.                 -- Ambrose Bierce

Dialogue: opposing factions discussing relevant issues.  Formerly called an

          argument.  -- Paul Sweeney

Coward, n. one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

                                        -- Ambrose Bierce

Coward: A man in whom the instinct of self-preservation acts normally.

                                        -- Sultana Zoraya

Cynic: n. a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they

 ought to be.  -- Ambrose Bierce

DEATH: The penultimate commercial transaction finalized by probate.

                                        -- Bernard Rosenberg

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.-Evan Esar

Coward: n. one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. - A. Bierce

Coward: A man whom the instinct of self-preservation works normally. -S. Zoraya

Crank: a man with a new idea, until it succeeds - Mark Twain

Criticism - A big bite out of someone's back. - Elia Kazan

Cynicism - The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. - R. Lynes

Hypocrisy - Prejudice with a halo - Ambrose Bierce

Immortality - A fate worse than death.  - Edgar A. Shoaff

Liberal: A power worshiper without the power - George Orwell

Logic-An instrument used for bolstering prejudice.-Elbert Hubbard

Man: A creature made at the end of a week's work, when God was tired.-Mark Twain

Man: A reasoning animal rather than a reasonable animal. - Alexander Hamliton

Overpopulation: When people take leave of their census. - Malcom Jefferey

Patience: A minor form of despair disguised as a virtue. - Ambrose Bierce

Patriot:One who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works-Vaughan

Pessimist: When asked to choose between two evils, picks both. - Oscar Wilde

Planned Economy: Where everything is in the plans except the economy-McWilliams

Puritan: Pours religious indignation into the wrong things - Chesterton

Reason - the devil's harlot. - Martin Luther (1483-1546)

Repartee: What a person thinks of after he becomes a departee. - Dan Bennett

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. - Ambrose Bierce

Tact: Tongue in check.  - Sue Dytri

ENERGY SAVING: achieved when the power switch is "off"

BREAKTHROUGH: we finally figured out a way to sell it

Capital Punishment: The income tax.

Stress: The state created when one's mind overrides a basic desire to

        choke the hell out of some jerk who deperately needs it.

Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Tact - changing the subject without changing the mind.

Tailgater - one who makes ends meet.

Experience: A man never wakes up his second baby just to see it smile.

Failures: Those who did and never thought, and those who thought and never did.

Fair Weather Friend: Someone who borrows the lawnmower, but not umbrella.

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.

Middle age: Too young to get on Social Security and too old to get another job.

Middle age: When you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

Originality: Remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Philosopher: A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat.

Psychiatry: Teaching people to stand on their own 2 feet while lying on a couch.

Radical:A person who's left hand does not know what his other left hand is doing

Recursive, adj.; see Recursive

Tact: Ability to tell a man he's open minded when he has a hole in his head.

Tourist:

 A person who drives 1000's of miles to be photographed in front of his car.

Ignorance: When you don't know something and somebody finds out.

Journalist: A person who works harder than any other lazy person alive.

Judo:  Japanese art of conquering by yielding.

       The Western equivalent is "Yes, Dear."

Junkmail - The mailman bringeth and the trashman taketh away.

LISP: To call a spade a thpade.

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.

Liar: One who tells an unplesant truth.

Libraries:  There are no answers, only cross-references.

Matrimony:The process by which the grocer acquires an account the florist had.