What's Alien You? by Dave Barry
What's Alien You?
by Dave Barry
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth
will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about
eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien
beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death
cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor
people.
I realize that some of you may not believe that alien beings exist. But how
else can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are always
sighting, such as lightning and flying saucers? Oh, I know the authorities
claim these sightings are actually caused by "weather balloons," but that is a
bucket of manure if I ever heard one. (That's just a figure of speech, of
course. I realize manure is silent.)
Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your immediate
family, ever seen a weather balloon? Of course not. Nobody has. Yet if these
so-called authorities were telling the truth, the skies over America would be
dark with weather balloons. Commercial aviation would be impossible.
Nevertheless, the authorities trot out this tired old explanation, or an even
stupider one, every time a flying saucer is sighted.
NEW YORK -- Authorities say that the gigantic, luminous object
flying at tremendous speeds in the skies of Manhattan last night,
which was reported by more than seven million people, including the
mayor, a Supreme Court justice, several bishops, and thousands of
airline pilots, brain surgeons, and certified public accountants,
was simply an unusual air-mass inversion. "That's all it was, an
air-mass inversion," said the authorities, in unison. Asked why the
people also reported seeing the words "WE ARE ALIEN BEINGS WHO COME
IN PEACE WITH CURES FOR ALL YOU MAJOR DISEASES AND A CARBURETOR THAT
GETS 450 MILES PER GALLON HIGHWAY ESTIMATE" written on the side of
the object in letters over three hundred feet tall, the authorities
replied, "Well, it could also have been a weather balloon."
Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien beings! They
are all around us! I'm sure most of you have seen the movie E.T., the story of
an alien who almost dies when he falls into the clutches of the American
medical-care establishment, but is saved by pre-adolescent boys. Everybody
believes that the alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects. But watch the
movie closely next time. The alien is real! The BOYS are fakes! REAL
pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks.
Yes, aliens do exist. And high government officials know they exist but have
been keeping this knowledge top secret. Here is the Untold Story:
Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government scientists
decided to broadcast a message that would be simple, yet convey a sense of
love, universal peace, and brotherhood: "Have a Nice Day." They broadcast this
message over and over, day after day, year after year, until one day they got
an answer:
DEAR EARTH PERSONS:
OK. WE ARE HAVING A NICE DAY. WE ALSO HAVE A NUMBER OF EXTREMELY
SOPHISTICATED WEAPONS, AND UNLESS YOU START BROADCASTING SOMETHING
MORE INTERESTING, WE WILL REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A VERY WARM OBJECT
THE SIZE OF A CHILD'S BOWLING BALL.
REGARDS,
THE ALIENS
So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the aliens,
broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens LOVED it. They demanded
more, and soon they were getting all three major networks, and the Earth was
saved. There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE. They love
game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and "Dallas." Whenever a network tries
to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the
planet.
This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful. It isn't
designed to please you: it's designed to please creatures from another galaxy.
You know the Wisk commercial, the one with the ring around the collar, the one
so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would dream of
buying the product? Well, the aliens LOVE that commercial. We all owe a great
debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk. They have not sold a single
bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they have saved the Earth.
Very few people know any of this. Needless to say, Congress has no idea what
is going on. Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast without the
help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious
threat from outer space. But if they go ahead with their plan to cancel the
alien-broadcast program, and the aliens miss the next episode of "General
Hospital," what do you think will happen? Think about it. And have a nice day.
by Dave Barry
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth
will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about
eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to alien
beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have atomic blaster death
cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were merely poor
people.
I realize that some of you may not believe that alien beings exist. But how
else can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are always
sighting, such as lightning and flying saucers? Oh, I know the authorities
claim these sightings are actually caused by "weather balloons," but that is a
bucket of manure if I ever heard one. (That's just a figure of speech, of
course. I realize manure is silent.)
Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your immediate
family, ever seen a weather balloon? Of course not. Nobody has. Yet if these
so-called authorities were telling the truth, the skies over America would be
dark with weather balloons. Commercial aviation would be impossible.
Nevertheless, the authorities trot out this tired old explanation, or an even
stupider one, every time a flying saucer is sighted.
NEW YORK -- Authorities say that the gigantic, luminous object
flying at tremendous speeds in the skies of Manhattan last night,
which was reported by more than seven million people, including the
mayor, a Supreme Court justice, several bishops, and thousands of
airline pilots, brain surgeons, and certified public accountants,
was simply an unusual air-mass inversion. "That's all it was, an
air-mass inversion," said the authorities, in unison. Asked why the
people also reported seeing the words "WE ARE ALIEN BEINGS WHO COME
IN PEACE WITH CURES FOR ALL YOU MAJOR DISEASES AND A CARBURETOR THAT
GETS 450 MILES PER GALLON HIGHWAY ESTIMATE" written on the side of
the object in letters over three hundred feet tall, the authorities
replied, "Well, it could also have been a weather balloon."
Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien beings! They
are all around us! I'm sure most of you have seen the movie E.T., the story of
an alien who almost dies when he falls into the clutches of the American
medical-care establishment, but is saved by pre-adolescent boys. Everybody
believes that the alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects. But watch the
movie closely next time. The alien is real! The BOYS are fakes! REAL
pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks.
Yes, aliens do exist. And high government officials know they exist but have
been keeping this knowledge top secret. Here is the Untold Story:
Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government scientists
decided to broadcast a message that would be simple, yet convey a sense of
love, universal peace, and brotherhood: "Have a Nice Day." They broadcast this
message over and over, day after day, year after year, until one day they got
an answer:
DEAR EARTH PERSONS:
OK. WE ARE HAVING A NICE DAY. WE ALSO HAVE A NUMBER OF EXTREMELY
SOPHISTICATED WEAPONS, AND UNLESS YOU START BROADCASTING SOMETHING
MORE INTERESTING, WE WILL REDUCE YOUR PLANET TO A VERY WARM OBJECT
THE SIZE OF A CHILD'S BOWLING BALL.
REGARDS,
THE ALIENS
So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the aliens,
broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens LOVED it. They demanded
more, and soon they were getting all three major networks, and the Earth was
saved. There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE. They love
game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and "Dallas." Whenever a network tries
to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize the
planet.
This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful. It isn't
designed to please you: it's designed to please creatures from another galaxy.
You know the Wisk commercial, the one with the ring around the collar, the one
so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would dream of
buying the product? Well, the aliens LOVE that commercial. We all owe a great
debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk. They have not sold a single
bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they have saved the Earth.
Very few people know any of this. Needless to say, Congress has no idea what
is going on. Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast without the
help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious
threat from outer space. But if they go ahead with their plan to cancel the
alien-broadcast program, and the aliens miss the next episode of "General
Hospital," what do you think will happen? Think about it. And have a nice day.
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