Odd Quotes

 

 "You're a bloodsucking vampire!  Wait'll I tell Mom!"   - Lost Boys

"...awwww.... Mondo STRAIGHT!"

                                        Blazing Saddles

"Bring out the Holy Hand Grenade!"

                                        Monty Python's Holy Grail

  "Tie me kangaroo down, boys...

  "Tie me kangaroo down...

  "Then get the marmalade and a yer sister...

  "And really go to town..."

        --- old Australian folk song

 "Oh, the RAM-chip prices drag me down, doo-dah, doo-dah

  My AT eats them by the pound, doo-dah, doo-dah, day

  Gonna run all night, gonna run all day

  Put my parts in a plain brown bag

  Get it together some day!"

Welcome to Mister Rogers' Neighborhood.

Today we are going to study radiation.

Can you say radiation?

Nice try...

Now we're going to do a lab experiment.

Let's put Mister Hamster in the microwave.

zzzttt

Pop goes the weasel!

I'm not mad at my enemies...after all, I made them!

- Red Skelton 

 "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

                                       J. Joplin

Now is the time that men work quietly in the fields and women weep softly in

the kitchen; the Legislature is in session and no man's property is safe.

                                   -- Daniel Webster

 Love is:  Never having to say "It's YOUR turn to do that"

sna-fu (sna-foo') Slang adj. In a state of utter confusion; chaotic.

- v.t. -fued, -fu-ing. To put into a confused or chaotic condition.

--n. Anything which is confused or chaotic. [From the initial letters

of the words "Situation Normal. All Fouled Up"]

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained

control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"

 - Pat Paulsen -

The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of dirt.

"Don't take this shit serious, cause you don't know WHEN you're

 gonna go.  So you'd better have some fun and plenty of it."

                                      Richard 'Mudbone' Pryor

Here at Controls, we have one chief for every Indian.

A little pain never hurt anyone.

A verbal contract isn't worth 

the paper it's written on.

"There are two things I dislike in a person - absentmindedness and... and...

. . . I can't remember the other one."                      --Pete Yazzolino

"I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other."

                      --Randy Harrison

"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure."

                --John N. Kock

"You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people."

                  --Melissa Timberman

"I'm going to commit suicide...or die trying."

                  --Michael Burgess

"I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left."

                 --R. E. Atkinson

"I have found of twenty-five nations eating flesh largely, nineteen had a high

cancer rate and only one had a low rate, and that of thirty-five nations eating

little or no flesh, none had a high rate."  -Rollo Russell, Causation of Cancer

If it ain't broke....don't fix it!

Voice on Phone-"John Smith is sick and can't attend classes today. He asked me

to notify you." Professor-"Who is this speaking?"  Voice-"Uh... my roommate."

"Baseball is 90 per cent perspiration; the other half is mental."

                     --Yogi Berra

Sign on New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner's desk:

 "Lead, Follow, or Get The Hell Out Of The Way!"

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

I'm schizophrenic,

and so am I.

I live in my own little world... but that's okay. I know everyone there.

"It's really amazing. People are dying nowadays who never did before!"

                      --Mark Mayfield

Boss - "You are twenty minutes late again. Don't you know what time we start

        work at this office?"

New Employee - "No, they're always at it when I get here!"

"Automatic" simply means that you can't repair it yourself.  --Mary H. Waldrip

"Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying." --Fran Lebowitz

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

              --Eleanor Roosevelt

"A dog is a dog except when he's facing you - then he's Mr. Dog." 

                       --Haitian farmer

"Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius."  --George Bernard Shaw

"Be yourself. Who else is better qualified?" --Frank J. Giblin II

"Be happy. It is a way of being wise."

           --Collette

"Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself." --Bits & Pieces

"Don't be so humble - you're not that great!"  --Golda Meir

"If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of payments!"

--Earl Wilson

"Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.

--Marie Curie

"If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the 

airport!"             --George Winters

"Serendipity is looking in a haystack for a needle and discovering the 

farmer's daughter."      --Julias H. Comroe

"Kids are always the only future the human race has." --William Saroyan

"Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take 

economists seriously."     --Cincinatti Enquirer

"Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?"

 --Tom Stoppard

"A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your 

troubles."          --Will Rogers

"Nothing is waste that makes a memory."

 --Ned Rorem

"A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions."

 --Wilson Mizner

  What do you give the girl thats got everything?

  PENICLLIN!!!!!

  Q: anybody know what a cookie (really) is???? . . . .

  A: a Virgin doughnut!!! . . . . .

He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

I am responsible only to God and history. - Gen. Francisco Franco

        THE WOMBAT

The wombat lives across the seas,

Among the far Antipodes.

He may exist on nuts and berries,

Or then again, on missionaries;

His distant habitat precludes

Conclusive knowledge of his moods.

But I would not engage the wombat

In any form of mortal combat.

It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of

fooling"               - R. Frost -

                        Pittsburgh Driver's Test

(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a

    steady left tail light.  This means

        (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to

            call the problem to the driver's attention.

        (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.

        (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.

        (d) the driver is from out of town.

 The correct answer is (d).  Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to

signal turns.

Sitting in my oriface

Staring at the dooriface

And allowing through inaction

On my part the paperwork

To build up to my asshole.

I wonder what it feels like

To be a frog?

                                        - thoughts of Commander Q'luude

Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy. Deductive logic is tautological, there is

no way to get a new truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as

readily as true ones. If you fail to remember this, it can trip you - with

perfect logic. The designers of the earliest computers called this the "Gigo"

Law, i.e., "Garbage in, garbage out." Inductive logic is much more difficult -

but can produce new truths.                    -- Lazarus Long

When the need arises - and it does - you must be able to shoot your own dog.

Don't farm it out - that doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.

          -- Lazarus Long

  Major projects are completed by performing a series of minor tasks.

The secret ballot is a beautiful system than permits you to claim you never

voted for the guy.                -Doug Larson

The stylus is more potent than the elongated projectile.

  May the hair on your feet never catch fire.

  All things are relative.

  All relatives are things.

  My relatives TOOK my things.

  My things are with my relatives.

To be is to do

               I. Kant

To do is to be.

               J.  P.  Sartre

Do be do be do.

               F.  Sinatra.

...it's almost unAmerican what some of those religious stations can do to a

person. I know a gal up in Kensett who dropped completely out of the local

drinking society, even gave up good bootleg whiskey, just because she got

hooked on the PTL Club. Sent money to Pat Robertson's campaign fund and

everything. She's still in analysis.

                                - thoughts of Commander Q'luude

I've slowed some of the gospel rhythm and blues stuff down and played it

backwards, too, and you can make out some of the messages. One says "Vote

Republican," and another says "F--- Communism," but the one that scares me is

the one that says "Send Money."  Bugs me that I didn't think of it.

                                - thoughts of Commander Q'luude

3.5 disks are more expensive, yes! But you can put the 3.5's in your shirt

pocket so everybody can spot you as a hacker in WalMart. I tried putting a

5.25 in my left rear pocket and all that happened was I was propositioned in

the men's restroom.

                                - Alan Rolf

The mind is an iceberg - it floats with only one-seventh of its bulk above

water.                           - Sigmund Freud

If there was nothing wrong in the world there wouldn't be anything for us to do.

                                 - George Bernard Shaw

  What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

  I don't know and I don't care.

I am proud to say I don't wear a bra, but my car does.

                                        - Jon Lavasque

By today's standards and definitions, the North American indians, as a whole,

had a very inferior immigration policy and did not, by any description, pay

much attention to national defense. Therefore, they were an inferior race of

beings who spent too much time on producing food and having a good time. Much

more of their national budget should have been spent on armament and defense

and they should have been more involved in small diversionary wars well outside

their immediate national boundaries (Asia or Middle East).

                                - Alan Rolf

It is well for people who think to change their minds occasionally in order to

keep them clean. For those who do not think, it is best at least to rearrange

their prejudices once in a while.

                                - Luther Burbank

Origin of the GW in GWBASIC:  the GW stands for Gee Whiz

"Programming is a series of discoveries leading you from one plateau of

 understanding to another... The trick is not to step in the stuff between the

 plateaus."

"The truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it; ignorance may deride it;

malice may distort it; but there it is."               - Winston Churchill

  "Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes 

   hurtling down the highway."

                             ---- Andrew Tanenbaum, Computer Networks

     *  An Irishman is never at peace except when he's fighting.

 *  An Irishman will die before letting himself be buried outside of Ireland.

     *  May you never live to see your wife a widow.

     *  Gentlemen, it appears to be unanimous that we cannot agree.

     *  God bless the Holy Trinity.

 The most unpleasant thing about him is that when he isn't drunk, he's sober.

     *  Talk about thin!  Well, you're thin. and I'm thin, but he's as thin

        as the pair of us put together!

     *  Half the lies our opponents tell about us are not true.

     *  This piece is chock full of omissions.

     *  A man cannot be in two places at once, unless he is a bird.

     *  I marvel at the strength of human weakness.

     *  Your Honner, I was sober enough to know I was dhroonk.

     *  You couldn't get me on Mars if it were the last place on earth.

          -- Erma Cohen

     *  If Roosevelt were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave.

        -- attributed to Samuel Goldwyn and umpteen others

     *  I wish the Arabs and the Jews would settle their differences like

        Christian gentlemen.  -- attributed to Arthur Ballour and others

     *  Football is an incredible game.  Sometimes it's so incredible, it's

        unbelievable. -- Tom Landry

     *  Listen to that!  Eighty thousand football fans and not one of them

        is making a sound!  Broadcast of NFC football game.

     *  All generalizations are bad. -- R.H. Grenier

     *  The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small."

        -- Woody Allen

     *  Please accept my resignation.  I don't want to belong to any club

        that will have me as a member.  -- Groucho Marx

     *  Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it

        for years. -- Talullah Bankhead

     *  If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very

        very few people die past the age of a hundred. -- George Burns

     *  Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. -- Irene Peter

     *  Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.

        -- Josh Billings

     *  Wagner's music is better than it sounds. -- Mark Twain

     *  People are more than fun than anybody. -- Dorothy Parker

     *  I don't want to be a millionaiare.  I just want to live like one.

        -- Joe E. Lewis

     *  If we're gonna win, we have to play up to and beyond our potential.

        -- Don Nelson

     *  Of course I can keep secrets.  It's the people I tell them to that

        can't keep them.  -- Anthony Haden-Guest

     *  It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are. -- anonymous

     *  Dear Teacher:  Please excuse my son Joseph's absence on Firday as it

        was Ash Wednesday.  Signed My Mother.

 From now on we shall offer police jobs to qualified women regardless of sex.

     -- A New Jersey town's affirmitive action statement

     *  The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields

     *  I don't care how much a man talks, if he only says it in a few words.

        -- Josh Billings

     *  I distinctly remember forgetting that. -- Clara Barton

     *  We must believe in free will.  We have no choice.

        -- Isaac Bashevis Singer

 There's nothing wrong with incest just as long as you keep it in the family.

 -- Milton Mayer

     *  Why, that's the most unheard-of thing I've ever heard of.  

        -- Joseph Mc Carthy

     *  I have had no real gratification or enjoyment more than my neighbor

        on the next block who is worth only half a million.

        -- last words of railroad magnate William Henry Vanderbilt

     *  Excuse me for not answering your letter, but I've been so busy not

        answering letters that I couldn't get around to not answering yours

        in time. -- Groucho Marx

     *  Monotheism is a gift from the gods.  -- unknown

     *  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -- unknown

     *  It pays to remember your social obligations.  If you don't go to

        other people's funerals, they won't go to yours. -- unknown

     *  After they got rid of capital punishment, they had to hang

        twice as many people as before. -- unknown

     *  1. Resolved by this Council, that we build a new Jail.

        2. Resolved, that the new Jail be built out of the material

           of the old Jail.

        3. Resolved, that the old Jail be used until the new Jail is finished.

           -- passed by the Board of Councilmen in Canton, Mississippi

automated translator program demo....

.

   "The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak."

So they ran it through, and it printed

    "Gnobmar foobar glotz"  (or something thereabouts).

Nobody could read it, so they ran it in reverse.  It came out:

    "The wine is good, but the meat is rotten."

I sneezed a sneeze

  Into the air

It fell to earth

  I know not where

But hard and cold

  Were the looks of those

In whose vicinity

  I snoze!

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can

contain without bursting one's clothes.          - Mark Twain

Give us the fortitude to endure the things which cannot be changed, and the

courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to know

one from the other.                     - Bishop Oliver J. Hart

When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most

delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they

will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously

until death do them part.          -- George Bernard Shaw

Nature is benignly indifferent; among men, indifference is the worst

brutality of all.

Where have all the perverts gone..

 Long time paaa-aaassing..

Where have all the perverts gone...

  Long time ago...

Where have all the perverts gone?

  Gone toorgies, every one...

When will they ever learn?

When will they eeeeee-ver learn?

Horse sense is what a horse has that keeps him from betting on people.

                                - W.C. Fields

If men were the automatons that behaviorists claim they are, the behaviorist

psychologists could not have invented the amazing nonsense called "behaviorist

psychology." So they are wrong from scratch - as clever and as wrong as

phlogiston chemists.                                  -- Lazarus Long

                                                                                

If it had been done right the first time, it wouldn't be called RE-search.

If a little knowledge is dangerous,  where is the man who has so

much as to be out of danger?                      -- Thomas Huxley

  Sociology is that descriptive pseudo-science that disguises its

  uncertainties in statistical mists as it battens on the narrow

  gap of information between psychology and anthropology.    - Trevanian

                                                                                

  The summit of Mt. Everest is composed of marine limestone.

  This page left intentionally blank.

 If you do not understand my silence, you will not understand my words.

It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Mir: "            O wonder!

     How many goodly creatures there are here!

     How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world

     That has such people in't!

Pros: 'Tis new to thee."

 -- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest", V, i, 181-184

  It's all so easy now

  As we lie here in the dark

  Nothing interferes - it's obvious

  How to beat the fears

  That threaten to snuff out

  The spark of our love.

Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells AWFUL.  - Mister Spock

Always store beer in a dark place.          -- Lazarus Long

The second best thing about space travel is that the distances involved make

war very difficult, usually impractical, and almost always unnecessary. This

is probably a loss for most people, since war is our race's most popular

diversion, one which gives purpose and color to dull and stupid lives. But it

is a great boon to the intelligent man who fights only when he must - never

for sport.                                      -- Lazarus Long

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 

payments          -- Earl Wilson

If the universe has any purpose more important than topping a woman you love

and making a baby with her hearty help, I've never heard of it.

                                                      -- Lazarus Long

Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs - sex especially. When they

are growing up, they are nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any

invasion of their privacy. Oh sure, they'll make mistakes - but that's their

business, not yours. (You made you own mistakes, did you not?)

                                               -- Lazarus Long

As you pass through life be as the prow of a boat, which cuts cleanly through

the water, but after passing leaves no trace.

          -- Confucius

The fundamental impossibility of changing the past accounts for

those very important moral sentiments -- regret and remorse.

 Sociology is that descriptive pseudo-science that disguises its uncertainties

in statistical mists as it battens on the narrow  gap of information between

psychology and anthropology.                          - Trevanian

 Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean,

 Higher than any bird ever flew,

 Longer than there've been stars up in the heaven

 I've been in love with you.

        Exerpts from "The Hacker's Dictionary"

Autobogophobia:    A fear of becoming bogotified.

Computer Literate: Young, intelligent, and employable.

Crufty:            Poorly built, overcomplicated.

Fried:             A piece of equipment that will find use as a

                   paperweight or doorstop.

 "The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice

  and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the

  master calls a butterfly."       --  Richard Bach, "Illusions"

 "Don't be dismayed at good-byes.  A farewell is necessary before you

  can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is

  certain for those who are friends."   -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"

Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moonlight,

  someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight.

Somewhere out there someone's singing a prayer

  that we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.

    "You know," said the cannibal after dinner, "my wife certainly makes

     good soup, but I'm sure going to miss her."

The best theology would need no advocates: it would prove itself.

                                                - Karl Barth

Too many young people itch for what they want without scratching for it.

                                               - Tom D. Taylor

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.

                                            - Ashleigh Brilliant

Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which

permit this norm to be exceeded - here and there, now and then - are the work

of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and

almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny

minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a

society, the people then slip back into abject poverty. This is known as

"bad luck."                              -- Lazarus Long

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. "Supernatural" is a null word.

          -- Lazarus Long

When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your

attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem.

For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up

to him.          -- R.A. Lafferty

 "Don't be dismayed at good-byes.  A farewell is necessary before you

  can meet again.  And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is

  certain for those who are friends."   -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"

If you are part of a society that votes, then do so. There may be no candidates

and no measures you wan to vote for... but there are certain to be ones you

want to vote against. In case of doubt, vote against. By this rule you will

rarely go wrong. If this is too blind for your taste, consult some well-meaning

fool (there is always one around) and ask his advice. Then vote the other way.

This enables you to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without spending

the enormous amount of time on it that truly intelligent exercise of franchise

requires.          -- Lazarus Long

    "We're (one thousand) one hundred and seventeen miles

    from Chicago, we've got a full pack of cigarettes, half

    a tank of gas, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses."

.

    "Hit it!"

 

When you can, always advise people to do what you see they really want to do,

so long as what they want to do isn't dangerously unlawful, stupidly unsocial

or obviously impossible. Doing what they want to do, they may succeed; doing

what they don't want to do, they won't.

                               - James Could Cozzens

Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.          -- Lazarus Long

Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime.

For a first offense, that is.          -- Lazarus Long

The prime criteria of scientific taste are a sense for the important problem

and an appreciation of stylish solutions.               - Harriett Zuckerman

    If a cluttered desk is an indication of a cluttered mind....

what is an empty desk an indication of?

                  Of all the things that I have lost

                    I miss my mind the most.

    Bricks and boards

    Will stow my hoards

    But shelves will never please me. ...

  "Never trust a language over 30"

  "Blank paper is God's way of telling you it's not so easy being God."

"Plagiarize.... Don't let another's work evade your eyes....

 Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, and

 Plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize....

 (But remember always to call it please, 'Research.')"

                                                  -   Tom Lehrer, "Lobochevsky"

The god of publishers is Mercury, who is also the god of thieves.

There is an old Persian tale of the bowman who had a bow which shot straighter

than any he'd made before. He loved it so much that he decided to improve it.

So he carved it cunningly with figures of hunting gods, prey, beautiful women,

and his mother. And the next time he fitted an arrow -- it broke.

"Good enough is the enemy of the best."

a foot race between Brezhnev and Nixon in which Tricky Dick came in first:

    "Yesterday, in in international athletic competition among world leaders,

     our own Leonid Illitch Brezhnev won the coveted silver place award.  The

     American president Nixon crossed the finish line in next-to-last place."

              Happy Birthday to you

              If you sing this we'll sue

              'Cause we own the copyright to

              Happy Birthday to you.

Education consists of casting false pearls before real swine. 

Masochist:  "Hurt me! Beat me! make me write bad checks!"

Sadist:     "Heh heh heh.  No."

 "At the time, it seemed like the logical thing to do........"

                                                - Sarek of Vulcan

"Shana, they bought their tickets; they knew what they were getting

into.  I say: Let 'em crash!"              <Airplane I, the movie>

legitimate operands for the VMS "make" command........

   hay      - While the sun shines?

   haste    - Not waste?

   time     - She's not your type!

   sense    - Not on a VAX you won't!

   progress - (an important product)

   mountain - Not from this molehill, I won't

"if it wasn't for venitian blinds,   

it would be curtains for all of us!"

[discalimer : nope, I don't work for NASA, I take full blame for my ideas]

Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses? 

From chasing parked ambulances. 

Where can you find a good lawyer? 

In the cemetary 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? 

A gigolo only screws one person at a time. 

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? 

A vampire only sucks blood at night. 

 

How do you save a drowning laywer? 

Throw him a rock. 

Person 1:  Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? 

Person 2:  No. 

Person 1:  GOOD! 

Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured

on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and

shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over

to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him

to the army where he was then executed.

There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.

No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

                                - Jean Giradoux

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law

and those who know the judge.

"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence,

so let's discuss his absence of character!        -  Michael Lara

"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his

income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned

income.'"                                   - ibid

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

Why was time invented you ask? So that everything wouldn't happen all at once!

"It all hinges on your definition of 'a good time'!" - L. Borgia

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.

Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs their thinking.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.

Big Brother is watching.

The best laid plans often go a fowl. - Wile E. Coyote

The best prophet of the future is the past.

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one..

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

You can observe a lot by watching.

Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The heart is wiser than the intellect.

"It is bad luck to be superstitious."

Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.

You live and you learn - or you don't live long.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

The mark of a true M.B.A. is that he is often wrong, but seldom in doubt.

The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.

You may be recognized soon.  Hide.

"Do not adjust your set.  WE are in control."

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Say No, Then Negotiate.

The only thing worse than a sorcerer is a sorcerer's apprentice. - M. Mouse

Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent.

I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.

The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes.

The speed of the leader determines the rate of the pack.

The stranger, the better...

Why should I have to pay a troll just to cross a bridge? - B.G. Gruff

"Go to Hell!" or other direct insult is all a snoopy question rates.

CPU time flies when you're having fun.

The universe is laughing behind your back.

"He was so crooked you could use him to pull corks with..."

"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."

The white zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only.

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!

"If you can't convince them, confuse them."  - Harry S. Truman

Did you know that no-one ever reads these things?

How you look depends on where you go.

You'll ALWAYS overlook one of those pins in a new shirt.

You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.

Don't panic.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Don't wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it.

You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.

186,282 miles per second; it's not just a good idea, it's the LAW.

"...and I came to regard men as a strange sort of delicacy."

Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.

Kin:  An affliction of the blood

Mad:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence

In a family argument, if it turns out you are right - apologize at once!

"Imagination is more important than knowledge" - A. Einstein

Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one of them.

...And then the fun began. - N. Bonaparte

Coward:  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Pi are round. Cornbread are square.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

"What hallucinations?"

If at first you don't succeed, give up; no use being a damn fool.

"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."

"Play it, Sam."

A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?

Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not.

Always yield to temptation, for it may not pass your way again.

Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.

"A billion dollars isn't what it used to be." - Nelson Bunker Hunt

"Submitted for your approval..."

"I can feel it.  My mind.  It's going, Dave.  I can feel it."

Success is simply a matter of luck.  Ask any failure.

Chicken Little was right.

"God is subtle but he is not malicious" - A. Einstein

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Good information is hard to get. Doing anything with it is even harder.

Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Read everything with your eyes closed and it will all make sense.

Condense soup, not books!

My decision is *Maybe* and that's final.

Predestination was doomed from the start.

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Words must be weighed, not counted.

Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.

Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.

Here is further away than you think...

I've given up reading books;  I find it takes my mind off myself.

Life can be profitable, if you know the odds. - Ripley

Life is a series of rude awakenings. - R. V. Winkle

Life is full of little surprises. - Pandora

Love is sentimental measles.

Nice guys get sick.

Some executives call passing the buck delegating authority.

Some men are discovered;  others are found out.

I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.

An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Remember that two wrongs do not make a right - but that three lefts do.

Remember, even if you win the rat race - you're still a rat.

Remember: No matter where you go; there you are.

"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."

Iffen it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Iffen it ain't cooked, don't serve it.

Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

"Where do 'cannot' and 'must' meet on the graph?"

Never appeal to a man's "better nature".  He may not have one.

Never drink from your finger bowl - it contains only water.

Never eat anything larger than your head.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.

Never tell a lie...Unless lying is one of your strong points.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.

Superior firepower is an invaluable tool when entering into negotiations.

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.

Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

Long live The Great Electronic Underground!

To give happiness is to deserve happiness.

Such stuff dreams are made of. - S. Beauty

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Nothing works, and nobody cares.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

A lie in time saves nine.

Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

It is better to copulate than never.

It is better to wear out than to rust out.

It isn't what you know that counts, it's what you think of in time.

Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.

If it an't broke, Don't fix it -- Unless you are a consultant.

If it is not there, it does not exist.

If it's more than you need, it's greed.

A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.

"Ask not for whom the bell tolls--" - M. Ali

Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.

"All's fair in love and war" - What a contemptible lie!

A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind.

Reality is achieved by the indefinite enumeration of objects.

Reality stems from the line printer.

Reality sure is big...

It looks like an optical illusion, but it isn't.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.

Communists do it without class.

When uncertain, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

When you get there, there's no there there.

Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.

Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.

"Hang up your logic over there."

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.

Thank you for observing all safety precautions.

Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.

Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy.

A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.

A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end. - F. Schubert

Antonym:  The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.

A horse may be forced to drink but a pencil must be lead...

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you! - Y. Arafat

A motion to adjourn is always in order.

Xerox never comes up with anything original.

Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.

No parking in the red zone.

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.

Computer: a device which is designed to drive human beings insane.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

There are more old drunkards than old doctors.

There are no rules.

There's a time to fight, and a time to hide out! - B. Cassidy

There's an answer to every problem.  Sometimes it's "No".

There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.

America is the Land of Opportunity if you're a businessman in Japan.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.

Does history record *any* case in which the majority was right?

It's been nice meeting you ... and even nicer seeing you leave.

It's clever, but is it art?

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

It's not whether you win or lose -- It's how you place the blame.

It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.

This is a *dangerous* place.

This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.

Kids? Who said anything about kids? - Conan

"I seem to be having problems with my lifestyle." - Arthur Dent

Those who can't write, write manuals.

Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.

"I smell memory leakage. Someone around here is not paying attention."

Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

Most "scientists" are bottle washers and button sorters.

What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!

What are friends for? - R.M. Nixon

What if they gave a war and only one side came? - Lucifer

What orators lack in depth they make up in length.

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

What's the point-spread on World War III? - R. Reagan

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."

Caution:  breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Civilization is fun!  Anyway, it keeps me busy!!

Could I have a drug overdose?

Do I have a lifestyle yet?

Wasting time is an important part of living.

History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.

History doesn't repeat itself.  Historians merely repeat each other.

Shouldn't you be doing something useful?

Accuracy:  The vice of being right.

Natural laws have no pity.

Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.

Reputation:  what others are not thinking about you.

Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.

It was a dark and stormy night ...

He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.

He who has had, has been, but he who hasn't been, has been had.

He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.

Many a family tree needs trimming.

Only a sadistic scoundrel or a fool tells the truth on social occasions.

Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.

Pity the poor corpuscle, for he labors in vein.

They never let you live it down. One little mistake! - Nero

If you can't dazzle 'em with dexterity, baffle 'em with bullsh*t!