Star Trek: Troi
STAR TREK (The New and Improved Generation)
PREFACE: This script has basically one purpose: To eliminate
Deanna Troi!!! Believe me, I know I speak for millions when I say that
her character deserves to bite the biggie. Well, I may not REALLY be;
but at least I'm overconfident enough to say it.
BRIEF PLOT SYNOPSIS: Deanna bites the biggie. One of a miasma of
colonized, unvisited-for-a-while, plot-infested planets is reviewed by
the crew for the Feds. Their investigations are routine and normal,
except that their inhabitants have a disease which their immune system
has adjusted to somewhat. It's the planetary version of our common
cold; a disease which is not fatal, but has no cure. Deanna lays hands
on a kid that she feels sorry for, and absorbs the disease from the kid,
but has infected herself! Her immune system is no match for these
bacteria, and if not for Crusher, she'd really have gotten her lines cut
short. As it is, she lives; but... (read on!)
SCENE: The Bridge. It's the usual beginning-of-the-show, zoom in from
the upper left to the captain shot; everyone's on the bridge in
their usual places just having a grand ol' time running the ship
like they always do.
Captain Picard: "Captain's log, Stardate 34871.4: I hate these logs.
They're so drol. Just once I'd like to sing an old song for one...
wouldn't Starfleet love THAT, huh? Oh, well. Anyways, we're
approaching the second planet in the Hydra-L4 system. 208 years
ago it was colonized by citizens from earth, and hasn't been
checked on lately. 7 members of the crew will represent the
Federation and beam down to check up on things. Appears pretty
routine."
"I hate saying that phrase. 'Appears pretty routine' always
demonstrates otherwise."
Data: "Approaching planet Nosedirt, Captain."
Picard: "Nosedirt. NOSEDIRT. Couldn't they think of anything better
to call it?" (Almost looks at the camera while saying this, but
deftly avoids direct eye contact at the last moment) "Yar, notify
them of our arrival."
Yar: "Yes, Captain."
Riker: "Looks pretty quiet, Captain..."
Picard: "Yes, that's true -- but I have yet to figure out how a planet
looks noisy."
Riker: (Looks just left of camera, raises and eyebrow or two, shoves
out his jaw, and nods in that "Yup, just can't dispute that kind of
logic..." kind of way)
Picard: "I wonder..." <staring at the planet> <or rather, the display's
representation of it>
Riker: "...about what?" <staring at the captain> <the real thing, not a
representation at all>
Picard: "Well, Number One, I had once met a man on this planet. An
older man, must have been well over a hundred years old. To most
he would appear an insane old man -- his house is a cave; when he
speaks, he speaks in riddles -- but that old man won't leave my
mind. The vision of him in torn shreds of clothes, sitting in
front of a fire illuminating a dark cave, with hardly a posession
or worry in the universe... it follows me everywhere, Number One.
I must try to find that man."
Riker: <Thoughtfully> "Hmm... you remind me of a man I once knew on
Earth. He also spoke in riddles... I would ask him about love,
and he would bring up some analogy of diving in a lake. It didn't
make sense to me then, and only begins to make some sense now..."
Picard: "I understand what you mean, but the man I speak of... well,
his speech is... <it's difficult to explain> ... um ...
different from what you're talking about. Hopefully, you will see
for yourself when we arrive."
(Riker is a little puzzled, but nonetheless looks steadfastly forward
with The Captain at the viewer's dazzling, colourful, and
crystal-clear 10-foot high display of a planet looking much like
hundreds of other planets they've seen on their voyages.)
Picard: (A little awe-struck) "...what a glorious view... <half-second
pause> Ahwell. Viewscreen off." <Turns to go do something else> (I
said a little, didn't I?)
Troi: <Grabbing her left temple, outstretching her right arm in an
overly dramatic way, and getting down on one knee with eyes closed>
"Pain! Pain, Captain!" <The melodrama is, at best, awfully taxing>
"Pain! Pain and suffering! Oh, PAIN!!!"
Picard: <Rolls his eyes, thinking, "Oh no, not again..."> "What IS it
["this time"], Deanna?!?"
Troi: <Grabbing his shoulders, overacting horribly> "Oh, it's PAIN,
Captain! Pain!" <Runs over to Riker, hugging him> "Pain! Pain and
anguish! PAIN!!!" <Riker doesn't appreciate the whole scene too
much either, but is at least getting a hug out of it.
Unfortunately, Deanna is absolutely comic by now.>
Riker: "Captain, isn't there something we can do about this?"
Picard: "I'm afraid not, Number One. Her contract won't expire for
many years yet."
SCENE: Sick Bay. The Crushers are there; Wesley is reading something
on a terminal while momma's doing something important.
Wesley: "Hey mom, this magazine has an article about the Ferengi in
it!"
Beverly: <Uninterestedly; doesn't even look at Wesley> "That's nice,
Wesley."
<The camera has panned over behind Wesley so we can read over his
shoulder. There is currently a page of text on the right half of
the screen, with a picture of a mean lookin' Ferengi captain with
the standard "earie" expression that would make an eye, ear, and
throat doctor drool.>
Wesley: "This is really fascinating. I've never seen one before! I
never knew they looked..." <Wesley turns the page, to a full screen
picture of the [naked] Ferengi women, all in their cultural
equilvalent of our "barefoot and pregnant" description. Mind you,
for Wesley and his budding hormones, this is putting his
one-size-fits-all underwear to the test.> looked ... like ...
like ... this!" <His eyes are now about the size of two of his
mother's petri dishes>
Beverly: "That's nice dear. I'll read it sometime if I get the
chance." chance.
Wesley: "Yes ... Um, well, I'm going to my cabin to read the rest of
this fascinating article. See you later." <Whoosh! He's out the
door.>
Beverly: "You can read it here if you want to, Wesley..." <She looks up
in midsentence to notice the Sick Bay door closing, and gains a
surprised expression not from the closing door, but Wesley's
absence> "... oh." <Continues with her nearly all-important work>
SCENE: Transporter room. Seven crew members are preparing to beam
down: Captain Picard, Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Data, Bev Crusher,
Meteorologist Jimmy "Extra" Fallopius, and Scatologist Fred "Extra"
Dolt. They assemble on the transporter stage.
Picard: "Energize, Twit."
Transporting Officer Eldridge Twit: doesn't do anything.
Picard: "I said, 'Energize'!"
Twit: doesn't.
Picard: "Officer Twit, are you deaf?"
Twit: "No sir. You just didn't say, 'CAPTAIN SAYS, "Energize"'."
Picard: "What do you mean, you won't energize until I say, 'Captain
says, "energize ...
Twit: hears his cue, and energizes them in the middle of the Captain's
sentence.
Noisy Teleporter Sound Effects: "Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
SCENE: A grassy area, with an obvious surrounding city (i.e., an urban
park). There are only a few people around, mainly spectators
watching certain speakers speaking. If we listen closely, I think
we can hear a few while our characters get adjusted to the scene...
Speaker One: "... because if God had meant us to fly, he would have
given us tickets! I speak the truth! If you believe, if Jesus has
given you the belief of twigs, of gelatin, of mesh patterns, then
hear my words, ..."
Speaker Two: "... Post-its, I tell you! Post-its are the answer to
your every prayer and wish! As it is written in The Bible, 'And
God said, let there be Post-its for every pacified follower of my
disciples and agents, ..."
Yar: "Captain, readings show nothing peculiar. I guess you could say
<glances at the speakers, pausing> that everything's ... normal."
<It's difficult for her to use that word to describe this>
Data: "Captain, based on our current surroundings, I'd say that this
civilization is a little behind ours." <Data, you are the master of
the understatement>
Captain: "Hmm. <Translation: "You're right, but since I don't have
anything nice to say, I'm not going to say anything."> Let's go
find somebody important."
<They begin to walk off, but before they do, Speaker One takes notice of
them, steps down from her folding chair, and goes to greet the
party. She is wearing a very old vintage T-Shirt and blue jeans
which are torn almost to the point of non-existence. Although most
of the detail on her T-Shirt has faded and blurred together, one
can barely make out the inscription on this artifact of garments:
"Spuds McKenzie, the original party animal.")
Speaker One: <Walking through the "crowd" towards the Enterprise crew>
"Hello! I believe you're the Enterprise crew, aren't you? I am
Hortense Asphalt-Smythe, Speaker of the Collective House of
Bunches. I welcome you to our humble planet Nosedirt." <She stands
tall, obviously proud of her clothing, which, due to its age, is
quite the height of fashion on this planet>
Picard: "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Starship Enterprise.
Allow me to introduce my crew: Lieutenant Tasha Yar,
Communications Officer, Deanna Troi, Ship's Counselor, Doctor
Beverly Crusher, Ship's Surgeon, Commander Data, Ship's Navigator,
and Jimmy Fallopius and Fred Dolt, Ship's Extras."
Asphalt: "A pleasure to meet you and your fine crew. I have already
arranged meetings for the rest of your crew while we meet. Dr.
Crusher, our Surgeon General is waiting to take you on a tour
through various local medical facilities. Mr. Data, a group of
technical advisors awaits your arrival. Mr. Fallopius, you will
be strapped to a weather balloon so you can study our weather. Mr.
Dolt, you are free to visit ... <how does one phrase this nicely?>his ni
... er, your appropriate areas of interest. Regretably, Ms.
Troi, we had not planned any such meetings for you. Would you like
to accompany one of your crewmates for the day?
Troi: "If it is not too much trouble, I shall accompany Ms. Crusher."
Asphalt: "Then it is settled. Follow me; I shall lead you to your
respective meeting points, and then we shall begin our meeting,
Captain."
Picard: "Thank you, Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. You are most courteous."
<Some semi-dramatic music starts up now. It is music for a number of
short scenes to follow: the first is of Data standing, surrounded
by a few scientific looking types. The group is discussing
something utterly important to be certain, but it's just an
overview-type scene, and there is no sound except for the
orchastrated music. The next scene is of the Captain, seated at a
table with Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. The two are reviewing documents
and discussing business. The next scene is of Mr. Fallopius,
literally strapped, with what appears to be a large belt, to the
side of a very large balloon. Mr. Fallopius looks with great
interest at the sky about him, which he is rapidly ascending into.
A large white bird flies by, looking at Mr. Fallopius (if this is
even possible) with a rather surprised expression. The last
"overview" scene is of Mr. Dolt, kneeling over a toilet, stroking
his chin in interest. He gently depresses the flushing handle, at
which point a giant gusher of yellowish-brown water drenches his
face for a full two seconds, until the end of the scene.>
<The next scene is in a hospital, where Dr. Crusher and Deanna "Cooler
than Charo" Troi are reviewing the sick and disgusting.>
Hospital Adminstrator: "... and over here, you'll see another fine
piece of expensive hospital equipment ..." <which he is obviously
proud of amortizing the loan for>
<The Hospital Adminstrator leads away, and Bev and Deanna are left alone
for a brief moment in a hallway of sick people>
Troi: <Grabbing Crusher's arm with one hand, and her (Deanna's)
forehead with the other, closing her eyes, preparing for another
delivery of wretched overacting> "PAIN! AGONY! PAIN! AGONY!
Beverly, this pain and agony is really getting to me. All the pain
and suffering in this place is very taxing. It really is quite a
draining thing. I really, really, just wish we could help all
these people. I mean, it's a real bummer, ya know?"
Crusher: "I know, Deanna, but I'm sure it won't be much longer. How
many more pieces of equipment could they possibly have afforded?"
Troi: "I see what you mean."
<The two start walking to catch up with the Administrator, and find him
explaining a large, beige machine which looks like a Cuisinart for
a Hill Giant>
Administrator: "... over a hundred million monets in interest payments
alone! So you can certainly imagine the immense joy I received
when the loan officer told me, 'Jimmy, you know you just can't be
too certain when it comes to melons ..." <The coughing of a sick
child on a bed is beginning to drown out the Administrator>
Troi: <Just chock full o' grief for the kid> "Excuse me, but what's
wrong with this poor child, who is suffering from so much PAIN!
and AGONY!?"
Administrator: "Geez, I dunno. Let's see ... <grabs a clipboard from
the bedside and makes an instant expert diagnose -- odd that it's
identical to the one written on the clipboard already> ... it
seems that the child suffers from asynchronoculacousticosis."
Crusher: <Confused> "Well ... what's that mean?"
Administrator: <A little cocky that he thinks he knows something she
doesn't> "WELL, Dr. Crusher, it's a disease that something akin to
the old-earth common cold: it's non-fatal; in fact, it usually
only lasts for one to two terror filled weeks; but even so ..."
Crusher: <Interrupting his cockiness> "... even so, it doesn't have a
cure. Yes, Administrator, I am familiar with the properties of the
common cold."
<At this point, the camera starts panning over to Troi, who, unnoticed,
is beginning to touch the child's head with her hands. She looks
up, and a hint of pain crosses her lips, as she begins twitching
her head to the left and right, looking like a lacking 20's
dramatic actress>
Administrator: "Oh ... so you are. Yes, it's been infecting our
people for quite some time. We're not exactly sure what started
it; we've investigated various possibilities for quite some time
with no success. Of course, it would be most helpful to launch a
full-scale, brute force investigation into the matter. However,
our research is severely limited in this area by lack of funding
..."
Crusher: "... Lack of funding?!? But what about all these
unbelievably high-priced machines you've been showing me all day!?"
Administrator: "Well, of course those machines are needed! <No they're
not, they just make him look good.> Those machines must take
precedence over that research! We're talking about trillions of
monets of machine here, Doctor..."
<While all this is going on, Deanna has been sucking out the kid's
disease. Her face has been contorting with pain through this, and
she is nearly done, when Crusher glances at her and notices just
what the hell she's doing.>
Crusher: "Deanna! What the hell are you doing!?!" <Crusher begins to
grab for Deanna to pull her away, but realizes that that might not
be a good idea, since she's not precisely sure what Deanna is
doing. No matter; it is only a second after Crusher pauses to
debate what to do that Deanna is finished with her task. Deanna
loses her balance, and is caught first by Crusher and then (a
little late) by the Administrator.>
Crusher: "Deanna! Deanna!!" <There is no response -- Deanna is
unconscious, with the back of her right hand resting on her
forehead, looking much like Queen Victoria might have looked if the
Sex Pistols suddenly decided to have a party in her living room
while Johnny Rotten asks for Vickie's hand in marriage by spitting
on it and sucking her index finger>
Administrator: <Quite confused> "Wh - what happened to her?"
Crusher: "I'm about 90% certain I know ..."
<At this point the child who Deanna has cured sits up and takes notice.>
Child: "Um ... Hello. I ... feel good. Am I good now, Mr. Doctor?"
<The child is not terribly old yet>
Administrator: <Obviously not a doctor at all, but Beverly looks even
less like one on this planet> "Um -- well, let's have a look at
you, uh, Jenny ..." <Reading her name from the clipboard>
ª{ ˆ y ..." <Reading her name
Crusher: "<Interrupting> That's MS. Doctor, Jenny. <Eyeing the
Administrator> You're going to be just fine." <Crusher is caught
between a smile for the child and the possibility of a knockout
swing at the Administrator. She avoids both by attending to
Deanna.> "That clinches the other 10%. I'd better get you up to
the ship."
SCENE: Transporter room again. Officer Twit and some other extra are
operating the transporter. Crusher and Troi are busy beaming in.
As soon as they have completed their beaming, Crusher rushes off,
dragging an unconscious Troi. She shouts to the crewmen on the way
out,
Crusher: "Call the captain! Tell him that Deanna's life may be in
danger and to meet me in the sick bay!" <She leaves the room; the
door closes behind. Right after the door closes, the crewmen look
at each other and shout, with wide eyes and opening smiling
mouths,>
Crewmen: "AALLLLL-L-L-L RRRR-I-I-I-IGHT!!!!!!!" <They are severely
happy> <Alright, yes, it is mean! But how would YOU like it if you
were stuck working in the transporter room while some overacting
gypsy cries "PAIN! and AGONY!" and gets on the bridge for it?>
SCENE: Wilderness. Picard and Riker are there, hiking through it.
They are clearing various types of flora out of their way.
Picard: "He lives in a very out of the way place, of course..."
Riker: "You're right... I can't see a convenience store for miles!"
Picard: "I believe it's just ahead..."
<They approach an apparent cliff, in the side of which a large cave
exists. It does not appear to have much traffic (i.e., people
walking about) but it does appear that a person does enter and exit
the cave with some regularity, as there are a few footprints
already and the cave's entrance is only slightly overgrown. They
enter the cave, with some apprehension.>
Picard: <Calling somewhat aimlessly for the old man> "Hello! Old Man!
Are you here? ... Hello!"
Riker: "Perhaps we should have rung the doorbell..."
Old Man: <Appearing ratherasuddenly and unexpectedly> "...or at least
said, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: "Old Man! It is you! After all these years... I have come to
visit you. Do you remember me?"
Old Man: <Awaiting something that hasn't happened> "<pause> Well?
C'mon!...?" <Anxiously awaiting Picard's next phrase>
Picard: <Glances at Riker. Neither understand what the Old Man wants.>
"I'm sorry?"
Old Man: "I said, you should say, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: <Puzzled> "Um... alright, 'Knock-knock'."
Old Man: "Who's there."
Picard: "Jean-Luc Picard."
Old Man: "Jean-Luc Picard who?" <Smiling, in anticipation of a
punchline>
Picard: <Still puzzled> "Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise."
Old Man: <Smiles become confusion. He looks left and then right,
perhaps in hopes that one side of his brain will find the humour in
the punchline. It doesn't.> "I don't get it."
Picard: <Just as confused> "I don't understand what you're trying to
get."
Old Man: "The punchline! 'Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise.' I didn't think that was very funny."
Picard: "It's not supposed to be funny!"
Old Man: <His confusion dissolves, and the smile takes over again> "Ah,
well - no matter. Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Picard: "Old Man, do you remember me? I have come back..."
Old Man: "No, no! 'To get to the other side'! Geez, where've you been
all your life, under a lump of silly putty? You two sit down, I'm
going to tell you a great joke!" <The two sit; they a really too
confused to do anything else right now. The Old Man sits as well,
to tell his story.> "OK. There's this woman, y'see, and she goes
to a pet store to buy a pet, of course. And she asks the pet store
owner, 'Whaddya got?' And he says, 'Well, you might be interested
in this bird. It's called a Crunchbird...'"
Riker: <Interrupting> "...I've heard that one. 'Crunchbird my ass.'"
<Reciting the punchline> <Picard looks at Riker curiously, like
Einstein might have looked at someone if, after having slaved over
developing the General Theory of Relativity for as many years as he
did, he announces his success, only to have the person next to him
say, "General Theory of Relativity? I wrote one of those a few
years ago. Didn't you know that?">
Old Man: <Under his breath> "Smartass." <Then, louder> "Alright then,
here's another one. A Venusian prostitute is being hired by this
navigator, see? And he asks her, "How much for a night?" And she
says, "Twenty denarios, but you have to put the money in a sock and
give it to me that way." Well, the navigator is a little confused,
but he really wants the prostitute, so he gives her the money like
she requests. He takes her to his ship, but it's made of
<snickering> RUBBER BALLS. She looks at the ship in kind of a
strange way, but she'll put up with some strange things to make a
few denarios. So they go into the ship and into his bedroom, and
his whole bedroom is shaped like a breast! It has a dome ceiling,
with a big nipple at the top! Ha ha... so anyways, she undresses
and so does he, and they get into bed, and have a really good time.
But later in the evening, she gets up, and stares at the nipple in
the ceiling. He wakes up to notice her starting and says, "Hey,
why are you looking at that nipple that way?" <Snickering more> And
she says, <Almost cracks up thinking about the punchline, but
manages to save himself> Heh heh... And she says,..."
<With perfect timing, Picard's communicator interrupts>
Picard: "Picard here."
Old Man: "... No, of course she doesn't say, 'Picard here.' She
says..."
Crusher: "Captain, you'd better get up here. Something's happened to
Deanna."
Picard: "On my way!" <Picard and Riker get up and begin to leave>
Old Man: "Hey! You can't leave yet! I haven't told you the
punchline!"
Picard: "Mail it to us! This is more important!"
<Picard and Riker leave the cave. The Old Man is left, pouting
somewhat.>
Old Man: "Oh, bother! It seems like no one ever stays around. I
wonder if it was my breath again?" <Starts walking away, into the
cave. Just before he goes off-camera, he mutters:> "They wouldn't
have gotten it, anyways."
SCENE: The sick bay. Deanna is lying oh-so-daintily on a bed, and
Crusher is waving various instruments over her. Picard and Riker
rush in.
Picard: <Rushing in and up to Deanna's side> "What's wrong, Bev -er, I
mean, Doctor?"
Crusher: "I'm not sure, Jean -er, Captain. She sucked a disease out of
some kid down there, and she's been unconscious ever since. The
disease seems to have a worse effect on her than on the kid,
though." <Speaks as she works feverishly over our empathic cutey,
who looks much like a princess preparing for mummification in the
position she's in>
Picard: "Do you think she'll be alright?"
Crusher: "I really don't know. But it looks bad, darling -er,
Captain."
Picard: <Looks concerned for a moment, but suddenly realises that this
may be the key to finally get her off the show, and nullify her
contract! He smiles briefly at this thought, but straightens out
his lips with the remembrance of something with a little more
importance. He goes for the exit, saying:> "I'll be back." <He
doesn't sound like Arnold Schwartzenegger saying this, but he's not
trying to>
Riker: "Captain! Where are you going?"
Picard: <Pauses at the door frame and looks back. He tries to lower
his voice a little, as he's about to say something kind of
embarassing> "I... I'm going to the bathroom, Number One!" <He
turns to leave, but is stopped by Riker's quick thinking>
Riker: "But Captain! There are no bathrooms on this ship!"
ª{ r: "BThere are no bathrooms on this ship!"
Picard: <Stops and contemplates this> "... You're right, Number One!
Come to think of it, I haven't seen a single loo in this place!"
<He is somewhat surprised at this newly-discovered fact, but is
again reminded by his more pressing problems and cringes a little,
pressing his legs together> "What am I going to DO?? There's not
even a sink on this stellar frisbee!"
Riker: <Considers his question, thinks about it, and shrugs his
shoulders and shakes his head with the non-vocal response of, "Welp
- looks like your up the creek!">
SCENE: Bridge. Captain Picard is sitting, but barely -- he can
hardly sit still for a second without squirming around. Riker is
trying very hard not to notice. Finally, Picard slams his hand on
the intercom.
Picard: "Sick Bay! Doctor, how's Deanna?"
Crusher: "Same as she was a minute ago when you asked. I'll let you
know if anything changes."
Picard: "Damn." <The camera slowly zooms in at the Captain, and we
start to hear his thoughts in one of those dreamy, echo-y voices>
Picard's Thoughts: "Deanna... dying... after all this time... could
we finally be rid of her? I thought we'd never get this wish
before the contract expires..."
Riker's Thoughts: "Deanna... my old flame... dying... am I finally
going to get my wish of never having to see her schnozzy face
again?"
Crusher's Thoughts: "Deanna... my friend... am I losing you?"
Data's Thoughts: "1101010001010100100101010100101001... what is
`orgasm'?"
Worf's Thoughts: "Has that big-nosed foreign psycho-bitch kicked yet?
I hope they cremate her."
SCENE: Sick Bay. It is a few hours later, and Deanna has given
most of the medical equipment a major work-out.
Crusher: <Punching the intercom> "Captain, I think she's going to
become conscious soon..."
Picard: <V-v-v-v-o-o-ooop! Rushing through the door, the captain is by
Deanna's side in an instant> "Deanna? Are you dead yet- er, are
you alright?"
Troi: <Opens her eyes slowly and speaks weakly> "Oh... oh...
Captain... pain... a-go-ny..."
Picard and Crusher: <Looking up from Deanna, and at each other;
speaking in unison> "She's OK."
Troi: "... pain... agony..." <She is suddenly startled, opens her
eyes wide, and sits up with a start> "Wait! No pain! No agony!
No nothing!" <She looks at the Captain, clamps her eyes shut, and
tries real hard - nothing. She looks at Crusher and tries the same
- still nothing. She stares ahead with sodden eyes, the kind on
those drawings of cats with eyes 10x the size of normal and weepily
cries...> "... I've lost it! Waaaaa-a-a-aahhahahaha..." <She
starts to bawl her eyes out in a most obtuse and obnovious manner>
Picard and Crusher: <are most confused. They look at each other in
confusion and then look at Deanna Crybaby in confusion and yell,>
"WHAT have you lost?!???"
Troi: <Manages to blurt out> "...I don't know what you're feeling
anymore! I've lost it!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHH!!!!!!" <She bawls louder than
ever, eyes shut and mouth wide open, and it is most trying>
<Picard and Crusher listen to this for a few moments, but Picard then
says what has to be said:>
Picard: "... We've got to get her out of here!"
Crusher: <Has some reservations, but then a snuffing blow of even
louder bawling clinches it> "You're right. Let's discuss it in the
hall."
<They exit to the hallway, but Deanna whining is still clearly audible,
even though those doors are supposed to be pretty sound-proofed.>
Picard: "What are we going to do with her?
Crusher: "I don't know! I don't think she's ever going to stop crying.
Maybe she could get a job as a lunch whistle?"
<They look at each other for a moment...>
SCENE: A futuristic, yet oddly reminiscent of an older
industrial-type, factory. Picard and Crusher are talking with a
foreman, who is somewhat overweight and brandishes a stupid-looking
normal black moustache.
Foreman: "Well, I guess if we put her in the unused anechoic chamber
and open it when lunch comes around... yes, I think that would be
quite suitable."
Picard: "Great. Here." <He gives the whining Deanna, spewing fruitless
liters of tears everywhere and making a general mess, to the
foreman> "Sorry, Deanna, but..." <Deanna interrupts him with more
crying, not from the the goodbyes, but because that's about all she
can do now> <See what happens to spoiled kids?> "Alright, alright!
Take her away!"
<The foreman drags off the spoiled little girl, and that's that.>
SCENE: Bridge. The camera aims at the main viewer, as the scene
of the planet they were orbiting gets farther and farther away.
Picard: "...and there she goes. Deanna is with us no more. But...
did we do the morally right thing? Did we abandon her after all
she has done for us? Should we have kept with her, working and
straining to make her what she was? Did we give up and prematurely
ejaculate the hope that she could have gotten better; that her
condition could have improved; that she might have recovered
eventually to the person that she once was? Did we do the right
thing?"
<Picard looks at the bridge crew for support and answers. A long pause
stagnates here, and the sound of silent thought is deafening.
After a long pause, the silence shatters with the quiet voices of
his crew:>
Riker: "... ... ... ... Captain, her cleavage was driving me up the
wall."
Yar: "And all that `Pain' and `Agony' stuff! GIVE ME A BREAK!"
Data: "I agree with Lt. Yar, sir. Her responses were most
unfathomable, and didn't seem to benefit us in any way."
LaForge: "Captain, you probably just put her to her best use so far."
Worf: "Captain, she smelled bad."
Picard: <Thinks about this for a moment, with a face of concern; which
then clears into a smile> "Yeah, you're right. She did smell
funny. Take us out of here, Mr. LaForge - warp 2. Engage."
<Str-r-r-r-e-e-e-e-e-tch!>
Epilogue: "Captain's Log, stardate 34943.6: <Singing> 'Cause everybody
knows, she's a Femme Fetale, the things she does to ple-ease! Oh,
she's just a little te-ease! When you see the way she walks...
and hear the way she talks..."
PREFACE: This script has basically one purpose: To eliminate
Deanna Troi!!! Believe me, I know I speak for millions when I say that
her character deserves to bite the biggie. Well, I may not REALLY be;
but at least I'm overconfident enough to say it.
BRIEF PLOT SYNOPSIS: Deanna bites the biggie. One of a miasma of
colonized, unvisited-for-a-while, plot-infested planets is reviewed by
the crew for the Feds. Their investigations are routine and normal,
except that their inhabitants have a disease which their immune system
has adjusted to somewhat. It's the planetary version of our common
cold; a disease which is not fatal, but has no cure. Deanna lays hands
on a kid that she feels sorry for, and absorbs the disease from the kid,
but has infected herself! Her immune system is no match for these
bacteria, and if not for Crusher, she'd really have gotten her lines cut
short. As it is, she lives; but... (read on!)
SCENE: The Bridge. It's the usual beginning-of-the-show, zoom in from
the upper left to the captain shot; everyone's on the bridge in
their usual places just having a grand ol' time running the ship
like they always do.
Captain Picard: "Captain's log, Stardate 34871.4: I hate these logs.
They're so drol. Just once I'd like to sing an old song for one...
wouldn't Starfleet love THAT, huh? Oh, well. Anyways, we're
approaching the second planet in the Hydra-L4 system. 208 years
ago it was colonized by citizens from earth, and hasn't been
checked on lately. 7 members of the crew will represent the
Federation and beam down to check up on things. Appears pretty
routine."
"I hate saying that phrase. 'Appears pretty routine' always
demonstrates otherwise."
Data: "Approaching planet Nosedirt, Captain."
Picard: "Nosedirt. NOSEDIRT. Couldn't they think of anything better
to call it?" (Almost looks at the camera while saying this, but
deftly avoids direct eye contact at the last moment) "Yar, notify
them of our arrival."
Yar: "Yes, Captain."
Riker: "Looks pretty quiet, Captain..."
Picard: "Yes, that's true -- but I have yet to figure out how a planet
looks noisy."
Riker: (Looks just left of camera, raises and eyebrow or two, shoves
out his jaw, and nods in that "Yup, just can't dispute that kind of
logic..." kind of way)
Picard: "I wonder..." <staring at the planet> <or rather, the display's
representation of it>
Riker: "...about what?" <staring at the captain> <the real thing, not a
representation at all>
Picard: "Well, Number One, I had once met a man on this planet. An
older man, must have been well over a hundred years old. To most
he would appear an insane old man -- his house is a cave; when he
speaks, he speaks in riddles -- but that old man won't leave my
mind. The vision of him in torn shreds of clothes, sitting in
front of a fire illuminating a dark cave, with hardly a posession
or worry in the universe... it follows me everywhere, Number One.
I must try to find that man."
Riker: <Thoughtfully> "Hmm... you remind me of a man I once knew on
Earth. He also spoke in riddles... I would ask him about love,
and he would bring up some analogy of diving in a lake. It didn't
make sense to me then, and only begins to make some sense now..."
Picard: "I understand what you mean, but the man I speak of... well,
his speech is... <it's difficult to explain> ... um ...
different from what you're talking about. Hopefully, you will see
for yourself when we arrive."
(Riker is a little puzzled, but nonetheless looks steadfastly forward
with The Captain at the viewer's dazzling, colourful, and
crystal-clear 10-foot high display of a planet looking much like
hundreds of other planets they've seen on their voyages.)
Picard: (A little awe-struck) "...what a glorious view... <half-second
pause> Ahwell. Viewscreen off." <Turns to go do something else> (I
said a little, didn't I?)
Troi: <Grabbing her left temple, outstretching her right arm in an
overly dramatic way, and getting down on one knee with eyes closed>
"Pain! Pain, Captain!" <The melodrama is, at best, awfully taxing>
"Pain! Pain and suffering! Oh, PAIN!!!"
Picard: <Rolls his eyes, thinking, "Oh no, not again..."> "What IS it
["this time"], Deanna?!?"
Troi: <Grabbing his shoulders, overacting horribly> "Oh, it's PAIN,
Captain! Pain!" <Runs over to Riker, hugging him> "Pain! Pain and
anguish! PAIN!!!" <Riker doesn't appreciate the whole scene too
much either, but is at least getting a hug out of it.
Unfortunately, Deanna is absolutely comic by now.>
Riker: "Captain, isn't there something we can do about this?"
Picard: "I'm afraid not, Number One. Her contract won't expire for
many years yet."
SCENE: Sick Bay. The Crushers are there; Wesley is reading something
on a terminal while momma's doing something important.
Wesley: "Hey mom, this magazine has an article about the Ferengi in
it!"
Beverly: <Uninterestedly; doesn't even look at Wesley> "That's nice,
Wesley."
<The camera has panned over behind Wesley so we can read over his
shoulder. There is currently a page of text on the right half of
the screen, with a picture of a mean lookin' Ferengi captain with
the standard "earie" expression that would make an eye, ear, and
throat doctor drool.>
Wesley: "This is really fascinating. I've never seen one before! I
never knew they looked..." <Wesley turns the page, to a full screen
picture of the [naked] Ferengi women, all in their cultural
equilvalent of our "barefoot and pregnant" description. Mind you,
for Wesley and his budding hormones, this is putting his
one-size-fits-all underwear to the test.> looked ... like ...
like ... this!" <His eyes are now about the size of two of his
mother's petri dishes>
Beverly: "That's nice dear. I'll read it sometime if I get the
chance." chance.
Wesley: "Yes ... Um, well, I'm going to my cabin to read the rest of
this fascinating article. See you later." <Whoosh! He's out the
door.>
Beverly: "You can read it here if you want to, Wesley..." <She looks up
in midsentence to notice the Sick Bay door closing, and gains a
surprised expression not from the closing door, but Wesley's
absence> "... oh." <Continues with her nearly all-important work>
SCENE: Transporter room. Seven crew members are preparing to beam
down: Captain Picard, Tasha Yar, Deanna Troi, Data, Bev Crusher,
Meteorologist Jimmy "Extra" Fallopius, and Scatologist Fred "Extra"
Dolt. They assemble on the transporter stage.
Picard: "Energize, Twit."
Transporting Officer Eldridge Twit: doesn't do anything.
Picard: "I said, 'Energize'!"
Twit: doesn't.
Picard: "Officer Twit, are you deaf?"
Twit: "No sir. You just didn't say, 'CAPTAIN SAYS, "Energize"'."
Picard: "What do you mean, you won't energize until I say, 'Captain
says, "energize ...
Twit: hears his cue, and energizes them in the middle of the Captain's
sentence.
Noisy Teleporter Sound Effects: "Wooo-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!"
SCENE: A grassy area, with an obvious surrounding city (i.e., an urban
park). There are only a few people around, mainly spectators
watching certain speakers speaking. If we listen closely, I think
we can hear a few while our characters get adjusted to the scene...
Speaker One: "... because if God had meant us to fly, he would have
given us tickets! I speak the truth! If you believe, if Jesus has
given you the belief of twigs, of gelatin, of mesh patterns, then
hear my words, ..."
Speaker Two: "... Post-its, I tell you! Post-its are the answer to
your every prayer and wish! As it is written in The Bible, 'And
God said, let there be Post-its for every pacified follower of my
disciples and agents, ..."
Yar: "Captain, readings show nothing peculiar. I guess you could say
<glances at the speakers, pausing> that everything's ... normal."
<It's difficult for her to use that word to describe this>
Data: "Captain, based on our current surroundings, I'd say that this
civilization is a little behind ours." <Data, you are the master of
the understatement>
Captain: "Hmm. <Translation: "You're right, but since I don't have
anything nice to say, I'm not going to say anything."> Let's go
find somebody important."
<They begin to walk off, but before they do, Speaker One takes notice of
them, steps down from her folding chair, and goes to greet the
party. She is wearing a very old vintage T-Shirt and blue jeans
which are torn almost to the point of non-existence. Although most
of the detail on her T-Shirt has faded and blurred together, one
can barely make out the inscription on this artifact of garments:
"Spuds McKenzie, the original party animal.")
Speaker One: <Walking through the "crowd" towards the Enterprise crew>
"Hello! I believe you're the Enterprise crew, aren't you? I am
Hortense Asphalt-Smythe, Speaker of the Collective House of
Bunches. I welcome you to our humble planet Nosedirt." <She stands
tall, obviously proud of her clothing, which, due to its age, is
quite the height of fashion on this planet>
Picard: "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S. Starship Enterprise.
Allow me to introduce my crew: Lieutenant Tasha Yar,
Communications Officer, Deanna Troi, Ship's Counselor, Doctor
Beverly Crusher, Ship's Surgeon, Commander Data, Ship's Navigator,
and Jimmy Fallopius and Fred Dolt, Ship's Extras."
Asphalt: "A pleasure to meet you and your fine crew. I have already
arranged meetings for the rest of your crew while we meet. Dr.
Crusher, our Surgeon General is waiting to take you on a tour
through various local medical facilities. Mr. Data, a group of
technical advisors awaits your arrival. Mr. Fallopius, you will
be strapped to a weather balloon so you can study our weather. Mr.
Dolt, you are free to visit ... <how does one phrase this nicely?>his ni
... er, your appropriate areas of interest. Regretably, Ms.
Troi, we had not planned any such meetings for you. Would you like
to accompany one of your crewmates for the day?
Troi: "If it is not too much trouble, I shall accompany Ms. Crusher."
Asphalt: "Then it is settled. Follow me; I shall lead you to your
respective meeting points, and then we shall begin our meeting,
Captain."
Picard: "Thank you, Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. You are most courteous."
<Some semi-dramatic music starts up now. It is music for a number of
short scenes to follow: the first is of Data standing, surrounded
by a few scientific looking types. The group is discussing
something utterly important to be certain, but it's just an
overview-type scene, and there is no sound except for the
orchastrated music. The next scene is of the Captain, seated at a
table with Ms. Asphalt-Smythe. The two are reviewing documents
and discussing business. The next scene is of Mr. Fallopius,
literally strapped, with what appears to be a large belt, to the
side of a very large balloon. Mr. Fallopius looks with great
interest at the sky about him, which he is rapidly ascending into.
A large white bird flies by, looking at Mr. Fallopius (if this is
even possible) with a rather surprised expression. The last
"overview" scene is of Mr. Dolt, kneeling over a toilet, stroking
his chin in interest. He gently depresses the flushing handle, at
which point a giant gusher of yellowish-brown water drenches his
face for a full two seconds, until the end of the scene.>
<The next scene is in a hospital, where Dr. Crusher and Deanna "Cooler
than Charo" Troi are reviewing the sick and disgusting.>
Hospital Adminstrator: "... and over here, you'll see another fine
piece of expensive hospital equipment ..." <which he is obviously
proud of amortizing the loan for>
<The Hospital Adminstrator leads away, and Bev and Deanna are left alone
for a brief moment in a hallway of sick people>
Troi: <Grabbing Crusher's arm with one hand, and her (Deanna's)
forehead with the other, closing her eyes, preparing for another
delivery of wretched overacting> "PAIN! AGONY! PAIN! AGONY!
Beverly, this pain and agony is really getting to me. All the pain
and suffering in this place is very taxing. It really is quite a
draining thing. I really, really, just wish we could help all
these people. I mean, it's a real bummer, ya know?"
Crusher: "I know, Deanna, but I'm sure it won't be much longer. How
many more pieces of equipment could they possibly have afforded?"
Troi: "I see what you mean."
<The two start walking to catch up with the Administrator, and find him
explaining a large, beige machine which looks like a Cuisinart for
a Hill Giant>
Administrator: "... over a hundred million monets in interest payments
alone! So you can certainly imagine the immense joy I received
when the loan officer told me, 'Jimmy, you know you just can't be
too certain when it comes to melons ..." <The coughing of a sick
child on a bed is beginning to drown out the Administrator>
Troi: <Just chock full o' grief for the kid> "Excuse me, but what's
wrong with this poor child, who is suffering from so much PAIN!
and AGONY!?"
Administrator: "Geez, I dunno. Let's see ... <grabs a clipboard from
the bedside and makes an instant expert diagnose -- odd that it's
identical to the one written on the clipboard already> ... it
seems that the child suffers from asynchronoculacousticosis."
Crusher: <Confused> "Well ... what's that mean?"
Administrator: <A little cocky that he thinks he knows something she
doesn't> "WELL, Dr. Crusher, it's a disease that something akin to
the old-earth common cold: it's non-fatal; in fact, it usually
only lasts for one to two terror filled weeks; but even so ..."
Crusher: <Interrupting his cockiness> "... even so, it doesn't have a
cure. Yes, Administrator, I am familiar with the properties of the
common cold."
<At this point, the camera starts panning over to Troi, who, unnoticed,
is beginning to touch the child's head with her hands. She looks
up, and a hint of pain crosses her lips, as she begins twitching
her head to the left and right, looking like a lacking 20's
dramatic actress>
Administrator: "Oh ... so you are. Yes, it's been infecting our
people for quite some time. We're not exactly sure what started
it; we've investigated various possibilities for quite some time
with no success. Of course, it would be most helpful to launch a
full-scale, brute force investigation into the matter. However,
our research is severely limited in this area by lack of funding
..."
Crusher: "... Lack of funding?!? But what about all these
unbelievably high-priced machines you've been showing me all day!?"
Administrator: "Well, of course those machines are needed! <No they're
not, they just make him look good.> Those machines must take
precedence over that research! We're talking about trillions of
monets of machine here, Doctor..."
<While all this is going on, Deanna has been sucking out the kid's
disease. Her face has been contorting with pain through this, and
she is nearly done, when Crusher glances at her and notices just
what the hell she's doing.>
Crusher: "Deanna! What the hell are you doing!?!" <Crusher begins to
grab for Deanna to pull her away, but realizes that that might not
be a good idea, since she's not precisely sure what Deanna is
doing. No matter; it is only a second after Crusher pauses to
debate what to do that Deanna is finished with her task. Deanna
loses her balance, and is caught first by Crusher and then (a
little late) by the Administrator.>
Crusher: "Deanna! Deanna!!" <There is no response -- Deanna is
unconscious, with the back of her right hand resting on her
forehead, looking much like Queen Victoria might have looked if the
Sex Pistols suddenly decided to have a party in her living room
while Johnny Rotten asks for Vickie's hand in marriage by spitting
on it and sucking her index finger>
Administrator: <Quite confused> "Wh - what happened to her?"
Crusher: "I'm about 90% certain I know ..."
<At this point the child who Deanna has cured sits up and takes notice.>
Child: "Um ... Hello. I ... feel good. Am I good now, Mr. Doctor?"
<The child is not terribly old yet>
Administrator: <Obviously not a doctor at all, but Beverly looks even
less like one on this planet> "Um -- well, let's have a look at
you, uh, Jenny ..." <Reading her name from the clipboard>
ª{ ˆ y ..." <Reading her name
Crusher: "<Interrupting> That's MS. Doctor, Jenny. <Eyeing the
Administrator> You're going to be just fine." <Crusher is caught
between a smile for the child and the possibility of a knockout
swing at the Administrator. She avoids both by attending to
Deanna.> "That clinches the other 10%. I'd better get you up to
the ship."
SCENE: Transporter room again. Officer Twit and some other extra are
operating the transporter. Crusher and Troi are busy beaming in.
As soon as they have completed their beaming, Crusher rushes off,
dragging an unconscious Troi. She shouts to the crewmen on the way
out,
Crusher: "Call the captain! Tell him that Deanna's life may be in
danger and to meet me in the sick bay!" <She leaves the room; the
door closes behind. Right after the door closes, the crewmen look
at each other and shout, with wide eyes and opening smiling
mouths,>
Crewmen: "AALLLLL-L-L-L RRRR-I-I-I-IGHT!!!!!!!" <They are severely
happy> <Alright, yes, it is mean! But how would YOU like it if you
were stuck working in the transporter room while some overacting
gypsy cries "PAIN! and AGONY!" and gets on the bridge for it?>
SCENE: Wilderness. Picard and Riker are there, hiking through it.
They are clearing various types of flora out of their way.
Picard: "He lives in a very out of the way place, of course..."
Riker: "You're right... I can't see a convenience store for miles!"
Picard: "I believe it's just ahead..."
<They approach an apparent cliff, in the side of which a large cave
exists. It does not appear to have much traffic (i.e., people
walking about) but it does appear that a person does enter and exit
the cave with some regularity, as there are a few footprints
already and the cave's entrance is only slightly overgrown. They
enter the cave, with some apprehension.>
Picard: <Calling somewhat aimlessly for the old man> "Hello! Old Man!
Are you here? ... Hello!"
Riker: "Perhaps we should have rung the doorbell..."
Old Man: <Appearing ratherasuddenly and unexpectedly> "...or at least
said, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: "Old Man! It is you! After all these years... I have come to
visit you. Do you remember me?"
Old Man: <Awaiting something that hasn't happened> "<pause> Well?
C'mon!...?" <Anxiously awaiting Picard's next phrase>
Picard: <Glances at Riker. Neither understand what the Old Man wants.>
"I'm sorry?"
Old Man: "I said, you should say, 'Knock-knock'!"
Picard: <Puzzled> "Um... alright, 'Knock-knock'."
Old Man: "Who's there."
Picard: "Jean-Luc Picard."
Old Man: "Jean-Luc Picard who?" <Smiling, in anticipation of a
punchline>
Picard: <Still puzzled> "Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise."
Old Man: <Smiles become confusion. He looks left and then right,
perhaps in hopes that one side of his brain will find the humour in
the punchline. It doesn't.> "I don't get it."
Picard: <Just as confused> "I don't understand what you're trying to
get."
Old Man: "The punchline! 'Jean-Luc Picard, captain of the USS Starship
Enterprise.' I didn't think that was very funny."
Picard: "It's not supposed to be funny!"
Old Man: <His confusion dissolves, and the smile takes over again> "Ah,
well - no matter. Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Picard: "Old Man, do you remember me? I have come back..."
Old Man: "No, no! 'To get to the other side'! Geez, where've you been
all your life, under a lump of silly putty? You two sit down, I'm
going to tell you a great joke!" <The two sit; they a really too
confused to do anything else right now. The Old Man sits as well,
to tell his story.> "OK. There's this woman, y'see, and she goes
to a pet store to buy a pet, of course. And she asks the pet store
owner, 'Whaddya got?' And he says, 'Well, you might be interested
in this bird. It's called a Crunchbird...'"
Riker: <Interrupting> "...I've heard that one. 'Crunchbird my ass.'"
<Reciting the punchline> <Picard looks at Riker curiously, like
Einstein might have looked at someone if, after having slaved over
developing the General Theory of Relativity for as many years as he
did, he announces his success, only to have the person next to him
say, "General Theory of Relativity? I wrote one of those a few
years ago. Didn't you know that?">
Old Man: <Under his breath> "Smartass." <Then, louder> "Alright then,
here's another one. A Venusian prostitute is being hired by this
navigator, see? And he asks her, "How much for a night?" And she
says, "Twenty denarios, but you have to put the money in a sock and
give it to me that way." Well, the navigator is a little confused,
but he really wants the prostitute, so he gives her the money like
she requests. He takes her to his ship, but it's made of
<snickering> RUBBER BALLS. She looks at the ship in kind of a
strange way, but she'll put up with some strange things to make a
few denarios. So they go into the ship and into his bedroom, and
his whole bedroom is shaped like a breast! It has a dome ceiling,
with a big nipple at the top! Ha ha... so anyways, she undresses
and so does he, and they get into bed, and have a really good time.
But later in the evening, she gets up, and stares at the nipple in
the ceiling. He wakes up to notice her starting and says, "Hey,
why are you looking at that nipple that way?" <Snickering more> And
she says, <Almost cracks up thinking about the punchline, but
manages to save himself> Heh heh... And she says,..."
<With perfect timing, Picard's communicator interrupts>
Picard: "Picard here."
Old Man: "... No, of course she doesn't say, 'Picard here.' She
says..."
Crusher: "Captain, you'd better get up here. Something's happened to
Deanna."
Picard: "On my way!" <Picard and Riker get up and begin to leave>
Old Man: "Hey! You can't leave yet! I haven't told you the
punchline!"
Picard: "Mail it to us! This is more important!"
<Picard and Riker leave the cave. The Old Man is left, pouting
somewhat.>
Old Man: "Oh, bother! It seems like no one ever stays around. I
wonder if it was my breath again?" <Starts walking away, into the
cave. Just before he goes off-camera, he mutters:> "They wouldn't
have gotten it, anyways."
SCENE: The sick bay. Deanna is lying oh-so-daintily on a bed, and
Crusher is waving various instruments over her. Picard and Riker
rush in.
Picard: <Rushing in and up to Deanna's side> "What's wrong, Bev -er, I
mean, Doctor?"
Crusher: "I'm not sure, Jean -er, Captain. She sucked a disease out of
some kid down there, and she's been unconscious ever since. The
disease seems to have a worse effect on her than on the kid,
though." <Speaks as she works feverishly over our empathic cutey,
who looks much like a princess preparing for mummification in the
position she's in>
Picard: "Do you think she'll be alright?"
Crusher: "I really don't know. But it looks bad, darling -er,
Captain."
Picard: <Looks concerned for a moment, but suddenly realises that this
may be the key to finally get her off the show, and nullify her
contract! He smiles briefly at this thought, but straightens out
his lips with the remembrance of something with a little more
importance. He goes for the exit, saying:> "I'll be back." <He
doesn't sound like Arnold Schwartzenegger saying this, but he's not
trying to>
Riker: "Captain! Where are you going?"
Picard: <Pauses at the door frame and looks back. He tries to lower
his voice a little, as he's about to say something kind of
embarassing> "I... I'm going to the bathroom, Number One!" <He
turns to leave, but is stopped by Riker's quick thinking>
Riker: "But Captain! There are no bathrooms on this ship!"
ª{ r: "BThere are no bathrooms on this ship!"
Picard: <Stops and contemplates this> "... You're right, Number One!
Come to think of it, I haven't seen a single loo in this place!"
<He is somewhat surprised at this newly-discovered fact, but is
again reminded by his more pressing problems and cringes a little,
pressing his legs together> "What am I going to DO?? There's not
even a sink on this stellar frisbee!"
Riker: <Considers his question, thinks about it, and shrugs his
shoulders and shakes his head with the non-vocal response of, "Welp
- looks like your up the creek!">
SCENE: Bridge. Captain Picard is sitting, but barely -- he can
hardly sit still for a second without squirming around. Riker is
trying very hard not to notice. Finally, Picard slams his hand on
the intercom.
Picard: "Sick Bay! Doctor, how's Deanna?"
Crusher: "Same as she was a minute ago when you asked. I'll let you
know if anything changes."
Picard: "Damn." <The camera slowly zooms in at the Captain, and we
start to hear his thoughts in one of those dreamy, echo-y voices>
Picard's Thoughts: "Deanna... dying... after all this time... could
we finally be rid of her? I thought we'd never get this wish
before the contract expires..."
Riker's Thoughts: "Deanna... my old flame... dying... am I finally
going to get my wish of never having to see her schnozzy face
again?"
Crusher's Thoughts: "Deanna... my friend... am I losing you?"
Data's Thoughts: "1101010001010100100101010100101001... what is
`orgasm'?"
Worf's Thoughts: "Has that big-nosed foreign psycho-bitch kicked yet?
I hope they cremate her."
SCENE: Sick Bay. It is a few hours later, and Deanna has given
most of the medical equipment a major work-out.
Crusher: <Punching the intercom> "Captain, I think she's going to
become conscious soon..."
Picard: <V-v-v-v-o-o-ooop! Rushing through the door, the captain is by
Deanna's side in an instant> "Deanna? Are you dead yet- er, are
you alright?"
Troi: <Opens her eyes slowly and speaks weakly> "Oh... oh...
Captain... pain... a-go-ny..."
Picard and Crusher: <Looking up from Deanna, and at each other;
speaking in unison> "She's OK."
Troi: "... pain... agony..." <She is suddenly startled, opens her
eyes wide, and sits up with a start> "Wait! No pain! No agony!
No nothing!" <She looks at the Captain, clamps her eyes shut, and
tries real hard - nothing. She looks at Crusher and tries the same
- still nothing. She stares ahead with sodden eyes, the kind on
those drawings of cats with eyes 10x the size of normal and weepily
cries...> "... I've lost it! Waaaaa-a-a-aahhahahaha..." <She
starts to bawl her eyes out in a most obtuse and obnovious manner>
Picard and Crusher: <are most confused. They look at each other in
confusion and then look at Deanna Crybaby in confusion and yell,>
"WHAT have you lost?!???"
Troi: <Manages to blurt out> "...I don't know what you're feeling
anymore! I've lost it!!!
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHAHHH!!!!!!" <She bawls louder than
ever, eyes shut and mouth wide open, and it is most trying>
<Picard and Crusher listen to this for a few moments, but Picard then
says what has to be said:>
Picard: "... We've got to get her out of here!"
Crusher: <Has some reservations, but then a snuffing blow of even
louder bawling clinches it> "You're right. Let's discuss it in the
hall."
<They exit to the hallway, but Deanna whining is still clearly audible,
even though those doors are supposed to be pretty sound-proofed.>
Picard: "What are we going to do with her?
Crusher: "I don't know! I don't think she's ever going to stop crying.
Maybe she could get a job as a lunch whistle?"
<They look at each other for a moment...>
SCENE: A futuristic, yet oddly reminiscent of an older
industrial-type, factory. Picard and Crusher are talking with a
foreman, who is somewhat overweight and brandishes a stupid-looking
normal black moustache.
Foreman: "Well, I guess if we put her in the unused anechoic chamber
and open it when lunch comes around... yes, I think that would be
quite suitable."
Picard: "Great. Here." <He gives the whining Deanna, spewing fruitless
liters of tears everywhere and making a general mess, to the
foreman> "Sorry, Deanna, but..." <Deanna interrupts him with more
crying, not from the the goodbyes, but because that's about all she
can do now> <See what happens to spoiled kids?> "Alright, alright!
Take her away!"
<The foreman drags off the spoiled little girl, and that's that.>
SCENE: Bridge. The camera aims at the main viewer, as the scene
of the planet they were orbiting gets farther and farther away.
Picard: "...and there she goes. Deanna is with us no more. But...
did we do the morally right thing? Did we abandon her after all
she has done for us? Should we have kept with her, working and
straining to make her what she was? Did we give up and prematurely
ejaculate the hope that she could have gotten better; that her
condition could have improved; that she might have recovered
eventually to the person that she once was? Did we do the right
thing?"
<Picard looks at the bridge crew for support and answers. A long pause
stagnates here, and the sound of silent thought is deafening.
After a long pause, the silence shatters with the quiet voices of
his crew:>
Riker: "... ... ... ... Captain, her cleavage was driving me up the
wall."
Yar: "And all that `Pain' and `Agony' stuff! GIVE ME A BREAK!"
Data: "I agree with Lt. Yar, sir. Her responses were most
unfathomable, and didn't seem to benefit us in any way."
LaForge: "Captain, you probably just put her to her best use so far."
Worf: "Captain, she smelled bad."
Picard: <Thinks about this for a moment, with a face of concern; which
then clears into a smile> "Yeah, you're right. She did smell
funny. Take us out of here, Mr. LaForge - warp 2. Engage."
<Str-r-r-r-e-e-e-e-e-tch!>
Epilogue: "Captain's Log, stardate 34943.6: <Singing> 'Cause everybody
knows, she's a Femme Fetale, the things she does to ple-ease! Oh,
she's just a little te-ease! When you see the way she walks...
and hear the way she talks..."
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