Star Trek meets Red Dwarf

Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!uwm.edu!spool.mu.edu!agate!boulder!qso.Colorado.EDU!burtonr
From: burtonr@qso.Colorado.EDU (Richard Burton)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Dwarf Trek
Message-ID: <1992Apr21.220218.29145@colorado.edu>
Date: 21 Apr 92 22:02:18 GMT
Article-I.D.: colorado.1992Apr21.220218.29145
Sender: news@colorado.edu (The Daily Planet)
Organization: University of Colorado, Boulder
Lines: 1975
Nntp-Posting-Host: qso.colorado.edu

Here it is, from the Home Office in Boulder Colorado, a parody linking
one of my favorite sci-fi shows (Red Dwarf) to one that I would like
more if it weren't so predictable (Star Trek: the Next Generation.) I
feel that this meeting is ripe for parody, as Red Dwarf is a comedy and
Star Trek can take itself far too seriously at times, IMnsHO.

Okay, before you read this, a few disclaimers and notes. First, I have
chosen to use the old Holly (Norman Lovett) from Red Dwarf seasons I&II
and the Kryten from season III, even though they never (really) were in
the same episode together. The main reason is that I find the old Holly
much funnier than Hattie Hayridge. Second, the first commercial was
written by a friend of mine for a telecom class when I was an undergrad
at Indiana. It is Mike's (with a twist I put on it), but I don't think
he'd sue me. (I have nothing he could sue me for anyway.) The third
commercial is one that I vaguely remember from a radio station in
Indianapolis (WFBQ) from anout 10 years ago. I did not transcribe it
exactly because I can only remember the vague feel and form of the
commercial, not the words. I used it because a) it is pretty funny,
and b) it just may give the station some free publicity. Third, I have
included actual bits from Red Dwarf (Holly's intro and the theme song)
but only with the intent to give this more of a "realistic" feel, if
realistic can be applied to this kind of situation. Fourth, there are
one or two jokes in here that you will not get unless you saw the
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 showing of the movie Pod People. I realize
that this is obscure, but it has become a running joke amongst some of
my friends here, so I included it mainly for them. Fifth, I would like
to thank Brian Morrissette for proofreading and one or two ideas.
Finally, I am in no way associated with either show, Paramount, or the
BBC. So there.



And now....

The BBC and Paramount present....

(yeah, right)

DWARF TREK: THE SMEGGY GENERATION

+=========================================================================+
Opening Scene: bridge of the Enterprise. Riker is in the Captain's
seat finishing off a side of beef. Coucillor Troi is in her place, trying
to sense something obvious to tell everyone. Data and Wesley are at their
consoles MUDding as Worf walks onto the bridge to take his place.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, stardate 27182.818. Our sensor readings from one
hour ago which indicated a big orange whirly thing in space appear
to have been false. As a result, I am having Geordi check all of
the sensors on the ship, after we first tried to have Troi reason
with them and then tried having Worf fight them. Lt. Worf fought
honorably but lost. Hopefully we can put this behind us soon so we
can proceed on to Omigod Ceti V to drop off a badly needed shipment
of baby corn ears for their Chinese restaurants.

WESLEY: Data, why does everybody always kill my wizard, even though
they know that it will give them a killer flag?

DATA: Well Wesley, as nearly as I can tell, it is because you are an
insufferable snot, even for a MUD. Quick, recall back to the
temple, the captain is coming.

The turbolift doors open and Picard walks in. Riker stands, causing a
few bovine rib bones to fall out of his lap.

PICARD: Anything to report, #1?

RIKER: Only that we are running low on steak sauce, sir. <BURP>

PICARD (crinkling nose): Very well. Go and brush your teeth, Will, and
for God's sake, don't walk around like you are trying to find
someone to headbutt.

RIKER: Yes sir. (Exits)

PICARD: Worf, loan me your phaser.

Worf does so, and Picard dustbusts the captain's chair, picking up
scraps of beef and bits of corn. Picard hands the dustbuster back
to Worf and sits.

PICARD: Data, what is the status of our sensors?

DATA: They seem to be coming back online without any problems, sir.

(V/GEORDI): La Forge to bridge.

PICARD: Bridge here, what is it, Geordi?

(V/GEORDI): I think I've found the problem with the sensors, sir. It
seems that somebody left half a peanut butter stromboli in
the sensor banks outside Commander Riker's quarters.

PICARD: Very well, bridge out. Mr. Data, what do the sensors detect?

DATA: A wide variety of electromagnetic and subatomic particle radiation,
sir.

PICARD: No, not that, you twit, I mean is there anything out there?

DATA: Oh. Presently, there is a cloaked Romulan vessel about to attack
a Ferengi freighter carrying an illegal shipment of chicken
vin-de-loo near the Beta Caroteen system. There also is a
fleet of Klingon vessels battling honorably with an small
asteroid 60 parsecs toward the galactic center. And three
Federation freighters are approaching the GammaRon system with
their cargo. Nothing else is here, sir.

PICARD: Very well.

WESLEY: Sir, the Romulans have just blown the crap out of the Ferengi
vessel. There is chicken vin-de-loo radiating everywhere at
sub-light speed. Captain, is that not an act of war?

PICARD: Yes, it is Wesley, but shut up. You aren't even supposed to be
on this show anymore. Get off the ship.

WESLEY: Yes, sir.

Wesley leaves the bridge, and the ratings start to soar. He is replaced
by a Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign in another cheap and obvious try to
jack the ratings. The bridge crew begins to relax.

DATA: Sir, sensors have just detected a small warp bubble ten parsecs away,
lying between us and the Romulan vessel.

NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: Confirmed, sir. Sensors indicate that the
bubble is stationary, and will not endanger the ship.

PICARD: Thank you, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign.

TROI: Captain, I sense a disturbance in the Force.

REST OF BRIDGE: WHAT!?!?!?

TROI: Oh, sorry, sir, I seem to have switched scripts with my brother,
Luke. I meant to say that I sense that something that is surreal
and rather stupid is going to happen.

PICARD: Really?

WORF: Of course it is, sir. Even if you haven't read the script, this is
supposed to be a parody, and of ST:TNG, no less.

PICARD: Very well, bring us to yellow alert.

DATA: Sir, sensors have once again detected a big orange whirly thing in
space.

PICARD: Oh, blast, has Will left more food in the sensor banks?

DATA: Scanning... no sir, that does not seem to be the cause. We now have
the whirly thing in visual.

PICARD: On screen.

The screen shows, surprisingly enough, a big orange whirly thing in space.

TROI: Captain, I sense life forms and emotions coming from the whirly thing.

PICARD: You mean it's alive?!

WORF: Sir, it would be an honor to fight it for you.

PICARD: Not yet, Worf, let's get an idea of what we're dealing with.

DATA: Sir, there seems to be something emerging from the big orange whirly
thing.

WORF: Oh, Christ, not another old Enterprise!

The screen then shows a large, rather squat red ship, the size of a city,
emerging from the whirly thing.

PICARD: What kind of a ship is that?

WORF: Sir, we are being hailed.

+=========================================================================+
Opening credits for Star Trek: The Next Generation. The moon kicks
into warp speed around Earth, Saturn is lit from the wrong side, a comet
has a tail where there is no stellar or interstellar wind to generate one,
etc.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the
starship Enterprise. It's ongoing mission: to discover new worlds;
to seek out new peoples and civilizations; to have wild sex at
Star Trek conventions; to create a new line of action figures; to
live like we really believe this new age religion crap; to get Bev
between the sheets; to REALLY go where no man has gone before.

The Star Trek: the Pespi Generation theme plays over the credits while
the Enterprise gets the warp out of here.

Commercial (by Mike Baber, 1988)

We open the commercial with a man lying on a couch in a psychiatrist's
office.

MAN: I'm not schizophreic. But I am. But I just can't afford therapy.
What should I do?

P-SHRINK: I'm not a doctor, but I play one on tv. I recommend Extra-
Strength Exceedrin, for when you can't afford therapy. Let's
take a look at some data.

Quick cut to scene of DATA working at a console.

P-SHRINK: Telling figures, indeed. That's why I recommend Extra-Strength
Exceedrin, for when you can't afford thereapy. (Turning to man)
Now then, how are we doing today?

MAN: I think he's sleeping with my wife!

End commercial

+=========================================================================+
We rejoin the Enterprise on the bridge, with the large, squat
red ship on the viewer in front of the big orange whirly thing.
+=========================================================================+

WORF: Sir, we are being hailed, dammit! Why did you go to the credits?

PICARD: It's in the contract with the sponsors.

WORF: Sir, we are getting a message from the ship, audial only.

PICARD: On the speaker.

(UNKNOWN BRITISH VOICE): This is an SOS distress call from the mining ship
Red Dwarf. The crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak. The only
survivors were Dave Lister, who was in suspended animation during
the disaster, and his pregnant cat, who was safely sealed in the
hold. Revived three million years later, Lister's only companions
are a lifeform who evolved from his cat, a simpering android, and
a hologram simulation of one of the dead crew. I am Holly, the
ship's computer, with an IQ of 6000, or the same IQ as 6000 PE
teachers.

PICARD: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Enterprise. What is going
on, what do you want, and why did you just come out of that big
orange whirly thing?

(V/HOLLY): 'ang on a mo, let me connect you with Dave.

PICARD: Troi, what do you sense?

WORF (sotto voce): Not too much, she's pretty clueless.

TROI: Extreme hate, dispair, ego, and low self-esteem. But they are coming
from four different creatures.

NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: You mean there are only four people on a ship
that big?

TROI: Yes, and quit padding your part, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign.

DATA: Sir, sensors indicate only three lifeforms on the ship: one human,
one feline, and one genetically mutated sock.

TROI: But I sense four!

WORF: Maybe Commander Riker put a guacamole pizza in a sensor bank.

PICARD: Well, we will find out soon enough.

WORF: Sir, we are being hailed again. With visual this time.

PICARD: On screen.

The screen shows four people: a Afro-Brit with long pigtails (LISTER), a
cute black guy with big teeth who is dressed like a gameshow host (CAT), a
guy with a big letter H on his forehead who people immediately dislike
(RIMMER), and an android with a head shaped like a novelty condom (KRYTEN).
In the background is a computer screen with a rather homely, balding man on
it (HOLLY).

PICARD: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation starship
Enterprise. Please identify yourself.

LISTER: Hey, man, Holly already did that.

RIMMER (after a limpwristed, wonky salute): This is Captain Arnold Judas
Rimmer, Space Adventurer, leader of Red Dwarf.

LISTER: You wot?

CAT: What are you going on about, Goal Post Head?

RIMMER: I am the highest ranking person aboard this ship!

LISTER: Rimmer, don't be sooch a smeghead. Yo, mateys, can you help us
out? We just went through a time hole to get back to Ea'th.

PICARD: Through a what?

CAT: That big orange whirly thing in space.

KRYTEN: A time hole is a dicontinuity in the space-time continuum,
sir. In a sense, it is a bit like a tunnel, connecting
different regions in space and time. We found one and our
computer thought it would take us back to Earth on 2050.

PICARD: But we are near the Omigod Ceti system in the 25th century.

RIMMER: Oh my God, Holly did it again.

HOLLY: Yes, I've got to admit it, I've flamingoed up.

PICARD: What does that mean?

HOLLY: It's like a cock up, only much, much bigger.

PICARD: Well, just go back through that ... time hole, and I'm
sure you will find another one later that will take you
to the right time and place.

HOLLY: We can't.

LISTER: Why not?

HOLLY: That was a one-way tunnel.

CAT: WHAT?!?!

KRYTEN: But why didn't you tell us?

HOLLY: Well you didn't ask!

RIMMER: Sen-smegging-sational!

DATA: Sir, this problem may be bigger than it seems.

PICARD: How so, Data?

DATA: Well, sir, preliminary analysis shows that we are on VHS from
Paramount, and they are on PAL from the BBC. The two formats are
incompatible, and the distribution rights in this sector of the
galaxy are not clear, sir. Unless we clear this up soon, we may
have to call in the Federation's legal staff.

PICARD: Dear God, not the Space Shysters!

DATA: I am afraid so, sir.

PICARD: Maybe we should ask them over to help work this out.

WORF: Sir, I advise against it. This could be a Romulan or Ferengi plot.
They have no honor.

PICARD: Noted. Councilor?

TROI: Captain, the negative emotions I sense from them are directed at
each other, not us, understandable if they have been alone in
space for so long. We should be careful, of course, but we ought
to be safe.

PICARD: Very well. Red Dwarf, would you like to be our guests on the
Enterprise while we sort this our?

RIMMER: Are there any women on board besides your own personal
concubine?

PICARD: How do you know about Bev?

WORF: I believe he is referring to Councilor Troi, sir.

Troi and Picard both blush and share a meaningful glance.

PICARD: Ah. Yes, Red Dwarf. Approximately 45% of our crew is female,
though none are in the command structure since I am such an
arrogant chauvenist.

LISTER: Rock and roll!

CAT: Yeow! Lucky thing I took a quick two hour shower before we went
through the whirly thing!

KRYTEN: It will be good to broaden our knowledge, speak to other
people, and talk to another android.

CAT: Yeah, I'm so excited, all six of my nipples are tingling!

RIMMER: Just hold on a smegging minute! Picard, do you have hologramatic
facilities?

PICARD: Yes, we have several holodecks.

LISTER: Oh, right. No, you see, Rimmer here is not alive. He is a
hologram of his former self.

Lister passes his hand through Rimmer, who shudders.

RIMMER: Lister! Don't you DARE ever do that again! At least not without
buying me dinner first.

DATA: Sir, I believe that we can sustain him through the holodecks.

PICARD: Make it so. Red Dwarf, prepare to beam over.

The Red Dwarf crew look at each other in puzzlement.

LISTER: What the smeg is that?

PICARD: We simply take your bodies, scatter your particles, and then we
reassemble them on our ship.

LISTER: Kinky....

RIMMER: Hang on, haven't you forgot me, old Iron Balls? I don't have any
particles to scatter, except for photons.

KRYTEN: Pardon me, but how would beaming over Mr. Rimmer affect him?

DATA: It would cause him to fly apart and never reassemble.

CAT: Let's do it.

LISTER: No, hang on. Enterprise, do you have a shuttle bay?

PICARD: Of course, our budget is much bigger than yours.

LISTER: Right, we'll fly over in an hour in Starbug. Red Dwarf out.

Screen goes blank.

PICARD: Worf, prepare for the docking party.

WORF: Yes, sir.

Commercial

Commercial opens with a husband and wife sitting on a couch. At the
husband's feet is the daughter, the son is at the wife's feet. In the
background is Pachelbel's Canon in D Minor, just loud enough to be
heard. Feelings of sadness and quiet despair pervade ... whatever the
hell that means.

WIFE: Honey, do you think it will end?

HUSBAND: I don't know, babe, I just don't know.

SON: Mommy, why is this happening?

WIFE: It's ... hard to explain, son.

DAUGHTER: Daddy? Please make it stop. Please?

HUSBAND: I'm trying, honey, I'm really trying.

At this point the announcer steps in front of the family.

ANNOUNCER: This year, in this country alone, over 20,000 commercials for
drug and alcohol rehab centers, stress management facilities, abused
and battered relatives programs, and selfhelp centers ... will use
Pachelbel's Canon in D minor. Please, help stop this terrible,
debilitating, cruel feature of our society ... before it's too late.

End Commercial

+=========================================================================+
Scene opens outside shuttle bay three. Worf and two nameless
security officers are there. O'Brien is drinking Guinness and bitching
that they aren't using the transporters.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, supplemental. The survivors of Red Dwarf are
now landing in shuttle bay 3. Hopefully we can figure out how to
return them to their own time and space before the copyright
lawyers find out about this.

O'BRIEN: Look, Worf, how am I supposed to have any lines if these jerks
don't use the transporters?

WORF: You just got a line. Now shut up before I lose my temper and try
something anatomically impossible after I cut off your
castanets with a gardening implement.

O'BRIEN: Hey, I did get a line, didn't I? Great, now all those jerks
playing the drinking game will have to take a swig!

WORF (brandishing scythe): O'Brien....

O'BRIEN: Ulp! Sorry.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Starbug now approaching ... Starbug has landed, now
refilling shuttle bay 3 with air ... Refilling complete, it
is now safe to enter.

WORF: Remember, two nameless security officers, set your phasers on
`stun' unless you want to see the funny looks on their faces
when they disintigrate.

Worf and the two nameless security officers enter the shuttle bay, to
see Lister, Rimmer, Cat, Kryten, and a mobile television with Holly's
image coming down the ramp. Rimmer is dressed like an admiral in the
Royal Navy, viz Red Dwarf II/1: Kryten.

LISTER: Christ, Rimmer, why do you always insist on lookin' like
smeggin' Nelson when we board another ship?

CAT: Just be glad he doesn't ask you to kiss his Hardy.

WORF: Greetings, I am Lt. Cmdr. Worf, Chief of Security.

CAT: Nice 'do, man! Where'd you get that cool sash?

RIMMER (after his wonky limp-wristed salute): Captain A. J. Rimmer,
Space Adventurer. Nice ship; reminds me of my father's
first command.

Cat, Lister, Kryten, and Holly roll their eyes in an O God here we
smeggin' go again! look.

WORF (visibly unimpressed): If you will follow me, you are to meet
with Councilor Troi before you see the Captain and attend to
other business.

Cat removes an aerosol can from his jacket pocket.

RIMMER: Lead on, me laddo!

LISTER: I know how you feel, man, we have to put up with this smeg
all the time.

WORF: Follow me.

They exit, with Cat bringing up the rear in his shuffling/strutting/
dancing gait as he sprays various objects with the aerosol can.

CAT: This is mine, this is mine, this is mine, ... (fades)

+=========================================================================+
Scene fades in to Councilor Troi's quarters. Holly and Kryten are
busy interfacing in a corner with the ship's computer. Cat is at the
replicator eating. Rimmer and Lister are talking to Troi, who is drinking
tea. Lister is eating a curry and drinking some unknown concoction.
+=========================================================================+

TROI: Are you sure you don't want something to drink, Captain Rimmer?

RIMMER: No thank you, I'm not thirsty.

LISTER: Because you're dead.

CAT (to replicator): Fish!

LISTER (polishing off drink): Pah! You know, that's a pretty good beer
milkshake.

TROI: Now then, this meeting is not required of you, but we have found
in our experience that a session such as this is helpful in
situations where beings come from a different time or a
prallel universe.

RIMMER: In what way?

CAT (to replicator): Fish!

TROI: It gives me more lines and I don't bitch as much about being used
as a hook to get adolescent boys and grad school losers to
watch the show.

KRYTEN (interrupting before Rimmer can put his foot in his mouth):
Pardon the interruption, ma'am and sirs, but do you mean you
have encountered other pandimensional beings before?

TROI: Of course, haven't you?

HOLLY: No, we've got better writers. Grant and Naylor do a pretty good
job with only four or five characters for a good show. They
generally don't need a galaxy as densely populated as the
greater Los Angeles area just to get some plot catalysts.

CAT (to replicator): Fish!

KRYTEN: Sirs and ma'am, if it is okay, I think we should see the
captain about leaving here. Holly and I think we have found
a way to get back to our own time, but we need some people
to help us check our calculations.

LISTER: By `our time' do you mean Ea'th in 2050 or 3 million years
from that?

HOLLY: Well, we can't be entirely certain, but I'm pretty sure that
it's 2050.

RIMMER: Really?!

LISTER: Rock 'n' roll!

CAT (to replicator): Fish!

TROI: Very well, but I will need to talk to you all. Why don't you
go on without Captain Rimmer here? I'll show him to where
you are later.

Lister, Holly, Kryten, and Cat (carrying about 10 fish) exit, where
Worf is waiting to show them to the Picard's ready room. Troi turns
to Rimmer and looks coyly at him.

TROI: You know, Captain Rimmer, I've only met one sentient being like
you before. A Doctor Moriarty.

RIMMER: Oh? Where is he from?

TROI: Oh, he is a hologram like yourself. He now lives in the ship's
computer.

RIMMER: Really?

TROI: Yes, he often visits me on the holodeck. It gives him the ability
to taste and touch and so on.

RIMMER: Well, this is most interesting. Can I buy you a drink?

TROI (smiling): Sure.

RIMMER: Would you like a wormdew?

+=========================================================================+
Before that bad punchline can be told, we cut to the ready room, where
Picard is sitting in front of Data, Geordi, Lister, Kryten, Cat, and
Holly. Lister is eating a curry, bits of which drop onto the carpet, much
to Picard's annoyance.
+=========================================================================+

KRYTEN: ...so by firing three photon torpedoes of the right frequency
AND at the correct intervals, we may be able to reverse the
polarity of this time hole and change its destination in
space-time, thus allowing the Red Dwarf to go back to Earth
at 2050.

PICARD: How long will this take?

DATA: Unknown at this time, sir, but probably between 6 hours and two
days. It would take less time if we got Wesley back on the
show, ...

PICARD: I am well aware of the consequences.

LISTER: Who is this Wesley git?

GEORDI: Picture Rimmer at age 16 with scriptwriters who think that they
can bring in ratings by having him be a boy genius who always
saves the ship.

CAT: I'd rather not. I just ate.

HOLLY: Caw, Bennett, that would be worse than a Benny Hill rerun.

PICARD: Very well, get on with it. Is there anything else?

GEORDI: No sir, as long as you let Holly and Kryten work with us in
the engine room.

PICARD: Well, that is against regulations, but I'll make an exception in
this case. Mr. Lister, you and Mr. Cat are free to use the
holodeck.

All except Picard exit. He goes back to work when the tweedlesquirge of
the door sounds.

PICARD: Come.

Riker squeezes his ample frame through the door as he eats tater tots
out of a barrel and drinks from a glass of gravy.

RIKER: Commander Riker reporting, sir.

PICARD: Ah, Commander. Doctor Crusher will soon be here for my weekly
therapy. Take command of the Enterprise, and make sure we hold
the Red Dwarf in the tractor beam; the last thing we need is
another android and another person with poor eating habits.

RIKER: Another one, sir? <burp>

PICARD: Never mind.

Riker exits. The door tweedlesquirges again.

PICARD: Come.

Dr. Crusher enters. She removes her jacket to reveal something sheer
and filmy.

CRUSHER: Hello, Jean-Luc.

PICARD (smiling): Hello, Beverly.

CRUSHER: It is time for the weekly ... (licks lips) ... injection.

Commercial

The commercial opens with a bunch of obviously drunk guys stumbling onto
the screen while the audience hears someone sing a familiar ditty...

(V/SINGER): Let's toast our good pals,
Even though thy're schnockered,
Thy're all great guys,
Though most of them are wrecked right now.
'Cause toniiiiight they got boooombed
On Lowerbrow.

DRUNK1: Hey, this is great!

(V/ANNOUNCER): Good times, good friends, and good beer.

DRUNK2: Hey, Lou, could you pass me a beer?

V/ANNOUNCER: What better way to end a long day of diggin for clams with
the boys?

DRUNK3: Wait a minute, Lou's passed out, I'll get you one. Now where did
that cooler run off to?

V/ANNOUNCER: But put those clams away. They'll keep. Everybody's lost
their appetites, anyway.

DRUNK4: Harrrrooompf!

V/ANNOUNCER: Right now it's time to get a good load on with the boys by
sucking down some good, high-powered bottle Lowerbrow beer.

DRUNK5: I'm going to go swimming, anybody seen the ocean?

DRUNK6: I think it's down by the beach.

DRUNK4: OH GOD!

V/ANNOUNCER: Yes, this is what being a beer-drinking guy is all about.

V/SINGER: Because toniiiight we'll get stiiiiffed on Lowerbrow.

V/ANNOUNCER: Lowerbrow Beer. Open Chute Brewing Company, Golden, CO.

End of Commercial

+=========================================================================+
The scene opens at a table in 10-Forward, which is a bit crowded
at the moment. Troi, Worf, and Guinan are sitting at a table with Lister.
They are drinking various luminescent concoctions and generally are acting
like any new friends in a pub. Lister is in the middle of one of the
all-time great jokes.
+=========================================================================+

(V/WORF): Securtiy Offficer's log. While I was at first opposed to
bringing the members of Red Dwarf onto the enterprise, I am now
certain that they are no threat. Troi has announced that their
emotions and thoughts indicate no anger or animosity toward us.
More importantly, they are too selfish and stupid to be spies or
saboteurs.

LISTER: ... Ding dong, dammit, ding DONG!

Everyone at the table cracks up at this great joke, which neither Paramount
nor the Beeb could get past the censors.

GUINAN: Dave, what the heck are you eating?

LISTER: Chicken kebab diablo. It's like eating a nuclear reactor. It's so
hot that me old mate Chen was in hospital for a week after only
one bite.

WORF: It is quite delicious. It reminds me of my favorite Klingon snack
food.

Troi: Yes, Will tried it and he hasn't eaten in half an hour.

Guinan and Worf reaise their eyebrows at this news. Cat struts/slides over
to the table, holding a drink with about a pound of fruit on top.

CAT: Yeow! you know, I've never been around women before! I don't
understand them, but I'm having the time of my life!

TROI: What did you think of the Holodeck, Cat?

CAT: In-smegging-credible! (turns to Lister) We got to get one of those,
Monkey! Spending all day with three girls in a hot tub full of
sequins and raspberry jam is my idea of fun!

GUINAN: You know, Cat, you're the kind of guy I'd like to hang out with.

CAT: Well, who can blame you? You're only female.

TROI: So what did you think of it, Dave?

LISTER: Well, it was kind of sad, really.

CAT: Spent it with Kochanski, huh?

LISTER: Yeah. At least now I'm pretty sure she would never have gone out
with me.

CAT: Hey, buddy, she does marry you when we arrive back in time.

GUINAN: He's right, Dave, don't sweat it.

WORF: Easy for you to say; you aren't eating that kebab.

TROI: What do you mean 'she marries you when we go back'?

LISTER: It's a long story. Anyway, next time we go back, we leave
Rimmer behind.

WORF: What a smeghead.

GUINAN: I hear that.

CAT: Hey, where is old Alphabethead, anyway?

LISTER: Dunno, haven't seen him in a while. Last I knew he was on a
holodeck.

At this point Data and Kryten come up to the table and sit down

GUINAN: Hi guys. How goes it?

KRYTEN: Oh, quite well, thank you. We believe we have the equations
solved.

DATA: Yes, we seem to have narrowed down the parameters. I think we
will be ready soon.

CAT: Hey, excuse me, guys, but I gotta go! There goes the Nameless Cute
Blonde Ensign! Yeow! Hey, if I'm not back in an hour, do NOT
come after me. Yeow! (Exits)

GUINAN: Sensitive guy.

TROI: He may seem shallow, but he really does care.

GUINAN: Nice butt, too.

DATA: It is interesting to see another member of your crew find a
girlfriend.

WORF: Excuse me? 'Another'?

KRYTEN: Yes, Data and I have decided to date each other while we are
together.

LISTER: You wot?

DATA: We thought it would give us insights into human relationships
should we role play boyfriend and girlfriend.

TROI: But you are both male androids.

KRYTEN: Not necessarily, I can attach a number of useful accessories to
my groinal socket, allowing me to perform various tasks like
sweeping the floors, dusting the furniture, or whipping up an
omlette.

GUINAN: Now THAT might *REALLY* put Will off his food for a couple of
hours.

DATA: Well, we just stopped by to say hello and to report that all seems
to be going well.

KRYTEN: We have to go now to help implement the polarity reversal on the
time hole. Are you ready, Sugar?

DATA: Yes, I believe I am ready, Honey buns.

Kryten and Data leave holding hands; Worf stands up.

WORF: I must go on duty soon. I shall talk to you later, Dave.

LISTER: Low and slow, Worf.

GUINAN: I gotta get back to work, too. Take it easy, Lister.

Guinan and Worf leave.

TROI: Dave, do you wish to talk about this Kochanski?

LISTER: There's not really a lot to talk about, really. Just someone I
had a crush on when I should have known better.

TROI (smiling slightly): I think there is more to it than that, but
this isn't the place to talk about it. Why don't you come
to my quarters in five minutes? We can talk about it there.

LISTER: Sure, five minutes.

Troi winks at Lister, stands, and leaves. For five seconds Lister
keeps his expression neutral, then starts to grin.

LISTER (quietly): Rock and roll!

+=========================================================================+
Scene cuts to Lister standing outside the doors to Troi's quarters.
He is busy trying to get the curry and vin-de-loo stains out of his shirt
then rings the tweedlesquirger.
+=========================================================================+

(V/TROI): Come in.

The doors open and Dave walks in. The lights are low and tinted a dark
blue. Troi turns around, wearing a thin, erotic, translucent greenish
negligee. The doors close and lock.

TROI: Dave, I know it must be hard. (Lister looks down then looks up, with
a strange look on his face.) All alone in deep space, your only
companions aren't human. The only woman you loved never knew
you existed. I can feel your pain, and I want to help you ease
it.

LISTER: O thank you, Deanna!

TROI: Kiss me!

They embrace in a long, probing, passionate kiss. Lister then carries
Troi over to her bed. A steamy love scene ensues, the details of which
I will leave up to you. Troi and Lister are dancing the horizontal bop when
suddenly...

VOICE: Yes! Go, Listy!

TROI: What was that!?

LISTER: I don't know!

TROI: I don't recognize the voice!

LISTER: 'ang on a minute, I do. RIMMER! Get your scrawny little ass
out here right now!

(V/RIMMER): I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

LISTER: Why not?!

(V/RIMMER): Because I am now in the computer, like Dr. Moriarity. That
was the main reason I went to the holodeck. Now I have a new
hologramatic friend here, and I can go anywhere on the ship that
I want to. I can feel now, Dave, something I couldn't do aboard
Red Dwarf.

TROI: But that gives you no right to peek in on people just to satisfy
your perversity.

LISTER: Besides which, Rimmer, you've never boinked in your life!

(V/RIMMER): I know and I'm sorry. I should have checked what you were
doing before I came to see you. I just want you to talk to
Captain Picard so that he'll let me stay on board the Enterprise.

LISTER: Why?

(V/RIMMER): Because my two options are to stay in space with you, Kryten,
that gimboid of a cat and that gormless idiot Holly as a hologram,
or to go with you back to Earth in 2050, where I'll still be a
hologram.

LISTER: Okay, Rimmer, on two conditions. One, you never EVER do this to
me or Troi again, and two, you tell me where you hid the disks
for the crew's holograms.

RIMMER: Okay, fine.

Commercial

Commercial opens with a rather attractive lady who is sitting in her
rather middle-class living room.

LADY: Hello. I realize that many of you are watching television and
eating your dinner right now, which is why I want to talk to you
about vaginal yeast infections. In these hot, humid, sweaty days
of summer, a yeast buildup can ...

At this point, Worf jumps on stage with a longsword and cuts her head
off. He then turns to the camera.

WORF: GOD! I've always wanted to do that.

End of Commercial

+=========================================================================+
Scene opens on the bridge. The usual crew is there, except that
the Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign is now replaced by a nameless ethnic
ensign. Troi has a smile on her face that a crate of lemons couldn't get
rid of.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, supplemental. Data, Geordi, Kryten and Holly
have prepared the ship to fire four photon torpedoes at the big
ora...er, at the time hole. Mr. Rimmer is now living on our ship's
computer; though LaForge and Data have told me it is perfectly
okay, I still have my doubts. At least we had to remove Wesley's
accounts to make room for Rimmer, so it is not a total loss. The
other Red Dwarf crewmembers are back on their ship, along with
our Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign, who has fallen in lust with Cat.

RIKER: Boy, this chicken vin-de-loo stuff is yummy! It really goes great
with this Pot Noodle!

The rest of the people on the bridge look rather vaguely squeemish as
Riker really starts to dig in.

PICARD: Are we ready? Geordi?

(V/GEORDI): Red Dwarf?

(V/HOLLY): Data?

DATA: Troi?

TROI: Worf?

WORF: Chief?

CHIEF: McCloud?

PICARD: All systems go. Commence firing sequence now.

Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! Three photon torpedoes fire into the time hole,
which slowly loses angular momentum and stops rotating. It then starts
to rotate in the opposite direction, finally reaching a terminal
rotation rate.

PICARD: Ready to leave, Red Dwarf?

(V/HOLLY): Roger. Entering time hole.

Red Dwarf then starts to move, slowly moving through the time hole. A
few seconds after it disappears, the time hole collapses without a trace.

PICARD: Data, report.

DATA: The calculations seem to have been correct, sir. The time hole
should have collapsed onto itself. We can only assume that
Red Dwarf is now at its intended destination.

Close up of a smiling Troi, with a tear starting down her face.

TROI (whispering to herself): Good luck, Dave. Bev and I will never
forget you.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to the interior of Red Dwarf, the hologram simulation suite.
Lister, Cat, Nameless Cute Blonde Ensign, and Kryten are standing around
a small terminal in the center of the room. Lister places a small object
which looks like a CD into a computer.
+=========================================================================+

LISTER: Here goes nuthin'.

Lister hits a computer key and a small, cute brunette (KOCHANSKI) appears
before them.

LISTER: Hi, Chrissy.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to the quarters of Lister. They are all gathered, drinking,
laughing, joking, etc.
+=========================================================================+

KRYTEN: Well, sir, how did it go?

LISTER: In-smeggin-credible! Kryten, I don't know how you and Holly swung
that, I don't WANT to know how you did it, but thank you for
gettin' rid of that smeghead!

CAT: Yeah, thank God ol' Grease-stain is gone! This is almost worth giving
up one of my scarves for!

NAMELESS CUTE BLONDE ENSIGN: Oh, Cat, you're so cute!

CAT: Well, who am I to start an argument?

KOCHANSKI: You mean you guys did all this just for ME?

HOLLY: Mainly. But a part of it was that we all were slowly being driven
space crazy by Rimmer. The only thing which allowed me to hang on
to my sanity was my conversations with my Lister's socks.

CAT: Well, for whatEVER reasons, it also brought Jenny here into my life.
And that's a good deal considering we only had to give up old
Goalpost Head for her.

Cat and Jenny (aka Nameless Cute Blonde Assistant) kiss.

KRYTEN: My only regret is that we forced Mr. Arnold on all those nice
people on the Enterprise.

LISTER: Yeah, but I made him promise that he wouldn't use his new life to
cause trouble and poke into people's private lives, so everything
should be okay.

HOLLY: Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going on.

LISTER: What is it, Hol?

HOLLY: There's a ship out there.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to Picard's quarters. Picard is in his studly open-chest
relaxation clothes, drinking tea and reading Lady Chatterly when his door
tweedlesquirges.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): We have just dropped off our supply of baby corn ears at
Omigod Ceti V. We are now settling down for a long journey back
to Earth for shore leave.

PICARD: Come.

Data enters.

DATA: Sir, I am sorry to bother you when you are on your own time, but I
feel that this is important. We have reports of Mr. Rimmer yelling
'Boo!' to sleeping children and giving them bad dreams.

PICARD: Very well, I will speak to him about it.

Door tweedlsquirges.

PICARD: Come.

Worf enters.

WORF: Sir, we have unconfirmed reports of Mr. Rimmer messing up the
programs on the holodeck while people are using them. Apparently
O'Brien was running his Felicity Kendal program when he suddenly
realized he was having sex with John Inman. Dr. Crusher is now
stabilizing him and getting him back to a regular heartbeat.

Door tweedlesquirges.

PICARD: Come.

Dr. Crusher enters.

CRUSHER: Captain, I have Mr. O'Brien stabilized, he should be okay in a
day or so. I also am here to report that a certain computer
program was caught rummaging through my drawers.

PICARD and TROI: WHAT!?!?!?

CRUSHER: I mean my drawers which contain my clothing; specifically, my
undergarments.

PICARD: Oh, I see.

(V/GEORDI): LaForge to Captain Picard.

PICARD: Picard here, what's up Geordi?

(V/GEORDI): Sir, Rimmer just came down here and started juggling the
dilithium crystals. We need to drop out of warp for an hour.

PICARD: Thank you, Picard out. Picard to bridge.

(V/RIKER): M-mbl mllf, mlr.

PICARD: Will, don't talk with your mouth full.

(V/RIKER): <GULP> Sorry sir. Riker here.

PICARD: Go to impulse, Will, Geordi needs to work on the dilithium
crystals.

(V/RIKER): Very well <braaaap>, sir. Riker out.

PICARD: Data, get on the computer and restrict Rimmer's access to every-
thing. Then try to come up with a plan to go through a time hole
to visit Red Dwarf. Worf, prepare for an assault on a hostile
computer program. Troi, try to get everbody on the ship calm
about Rimmer. Bev, go put on some black leather underwear and
return here immediately.

Commercial

A man who appears to be in his mid-30s is sitting in a fashionable
restaurant.

MAN: Hi, do you know me? A lot of people did before my investments in
the savings and loan industry caused me to lose my shirt. But I
got back on my feet and revenge at the same time. Now I am a
burglar who steals only from former S&L slimeballs who can declare
bankruptcy and still keep their entire fortunes. That's why I use
this. (Holds up a rectangular piece of green plastic.) The
America Repressed Card. I never leave a home without it. (Hands it
to a waiter to pay his bill.)

Close up of an America Repressed card with no name on it. As the voice
over starts, the name Niel Bush appears in type on the card.

(V/ANNOUNCER): The American Repressed Card: the Choice of a Pampered
Generation.

End Commercial

+=========================================================================+
The scene opens on the bridge of the Enterprise. The usual crew
are there, plus the nameless ethnic ensign to show just how spiritually
and racially enlightened this show REALLY is.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, stardate 27190.903. We have contacted Starfleet
of our decision to discover Red Dwarf and punish them by returning
Mr. Rimmer to them. LaForge and Data believe that they can create
a time hole by first creating a small warp bubble in space and
using time-variable magnetic fields to induce angular momentum,
then flooding the bubble with tachyons and orange dye. It sounds
like a lot of merde to me, but they assure me that if Paramount
buys travelling faster than light, we should be able to pull this
off, too.

PICARD: Bridge to engineering.

(V/GEORDI): Geordi here, sir.

PICARD: Are the tachyons and orange dye ready?

(V/GEORDI): Ready to fire, sir.

PICARD: Worf, fire.

Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! sound effects again

DATA: Warp bubble expanding, sir. Bubble beginning to take on the
characteristics of a time hole.

NAMELESS ETHNIC ENSIGN: Confirmed, sir, reporting progress continually to
Starfleet, as per orders.

DATA: Parameters for photon torpedoes to tune the time hole now entered
into the computer, sir.

PICARD: Mr. Worf, commence photon torpedo firing sequence.

Pfyew! Pfyew! Pfyew! sound effects again

DATA: Time hole is slowly changing... Time hole is now stabilized and
ready for us to enter.

PICARD: Nameless Ethnic Ensign, take us in, impulse power.

+=========================================================================+
Scene changes back to Red Dwarf, in the control room. Cat, Jenny,
Lister, Kryten, and Kochanski are surrounding a display, whilst Holly is
back on his computer screen.
+=========================================================================+

LISTER: Holly, man, do you know what kind of ship that is?

HOLLY: Sorry, Dave, I can't identify it, but it looks a little bit like
that ship we just saw on the other side of the time hole.

CAT: WHAT!? You mean we've gone through time and space back to where we
were, and we may have to deal with people who'll hate us because
we dumped ol' Smeghead on them?

HOLLY: No, it's not the same ship.

KOCHANSI: Put it on screen, Hol.

KRYTEN: He's right, it does look quite a bit like the Enterprise.

JENNY: It IS the Enterprise!

LISTER, CAT, HOLLY, KRYTEN, KOCHANSKI: What!?

JENNY: It is the Enterprise, but an earlier model!

LISTER: Holly, see if you can raise them and let's find out what the smeg
is going on.

HOLLY: Right. Got 'em on audial only.

KOCHANSKI: This is Red Dwarf, mining ship of the Jupiter Mining Corpor-
ation. Who are you?

(VOICE): This ... IS ... Captain James T. Kirk ... of the ... Enter ...
prise.

They all look at each other in disbelief.

HOLLY: I think I did it again.

KOCHANSKI: O god.

KRYTEN: I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on.

LISTER: Enterprise, this is Dave Lister, one of Red Dwarf's last survivors.
We've just come through a time hole. Where are we and what is the
year?

(V/KIRK): Just a moment, we will try to establish visual.

LISTER: Okay, Red Dwarf out.

KOCHANSKI: I've got a really bad feeling about this.

CAT: Yeah, like we might run into Rimmer's whole family.

HOLLY: Getting visual now; putting it on screen.

Holly fades from his computer screen which now shows the bridge from
the old Star Trek. Kirk stands, straightens his tunic.

KIRK: This is Captain Kirk. We ... welcome ... you to this sector. But we
cannot be sure that what you say is true.

KRYTEN: But sir, we have just been through a terrible experience. We have
lost one of our crew, after visiting a ship from your future. We
came through a time hole which we thought would return us to Earth
at our own time. Apparently we are closer, but not quite there yet.

SPOCK: Confirmed, sir. Computer records indicate that a corporation named
the Jupiter Mining Corporation existed, and lost a mining ship
named Red Dwarf for reasons unknown.

LISTER: What happened was that one of the crew, a real smeghead named
Rimmer, caused a radiation leak, and everyone on board died but
me and my pregnant cat Frankenstein.

KIRK: Really? How did you survive, and (leering at Jenny and Kochanski) who
are all those people around you?

LISTER: Oh, right. You see, I was in stasis at the time of the leak, and
Holly, our computer, didn't release me until three million years
later, when the radiation levels were down. Cat here (points) is
the last surviving member of the Cat people who evolved from
Frankenstein. Chrissy here isn't really alive, she's a hologram;
Kryten is a mechanoid, and Jenny is Cat's girlfriend from the
future Enterprise.

SPOCK: Sir, this could be a plot by the Romulans or Klingons.

KRYTEN: Or the Ferengi.

SULU: We haven't discovered them yet.

CHEKOV: Sir, it is wery possible that the Wulcan is right. Ve should
kill them all now.

LISTER: 'ang on a minute, why would the Klingons want to trick you?

KIRK: Because we are constantly within a whisker of being at war with
those barbarians! And they won't let me sleep with their women!

JENNY (whispering to Red Dwarf): Wait a minute. This must be before the
treaty between the Federation and the Klingons. They were bitter
enemies before that.

KOCHANSKI (whispering): I think we should get on their good side. If
what you told me earlier is true, we need their weapons to get
out of here.

CAT (whispering): What? Be nice to people wearing THOSE outfits?

LISTER: Captain Kirk, we need to come aboard the Enterprise. We need to
return to our own time, but we need your help.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to TOS Enterprise bridge.
+=========================================================================+

KIRK: Just a moment ... Red ... DWARF. (turns to Spock) Spock, could it
be ... a trap?

SPOCK: Uncertain at this time, sir. However, sensors can detect only
four lifeforms on that ship: the blonde woman, the slob with the
pigtails eating the spam vin-de-loo, the man allegedly evolved
from a cat, and a sock that has genetically mutated. Fascinating,
the woman who is allegedly a hologram does not register on our
sensors. If this is a ruse, it is an elaborate one. I feel it
should be relatively safe to bring them over.

KIRK: Very well. Uhuru, send a subspace message to Starfleet and to my
hair club.

URUHU: Yes sir.

(V/SCOTTY): Sir, we have to stop! The engines kinna take no more o this!

KIRK: Dammit, Scotty, that's last week's script!

(V/SCOTTY): Sorry, sir. Scott out.

KIRK: Uhuru, bring them back on the screen.

UHURU: Yes sir.

KIRK: Red Dwarf, prepare to beam over.

LISTER: No, stop! You can't do that, man, it will cause Chrissy's photons
to fly apart and never reassemble.

KIRK (licking his lips and looking at Kochanski the way Madonna looks at
cucumbers at the grocers): Yes, that would be a tragedy.

LISTER: Right, we'll be over on Starbug in an hour.

KRYTEN: Pardon me, Captain Kirk, sir, but do you have a free holodeck?

KIRK: A free what?

KRYTEN: Well, sir, Ms. Kochanski here could only survive if you could adapt
one of your holodecks to generate her image while she visits.

SPOCK: Captain, we do not have such technology. Perhaps we should get a
landing party to transport over to Red Dwarf.

KIRK: Agreed. Red Dwarf, we will beam over to your ship.

LISTER: Okay, okay.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to Officer's Club (viz Red Dwarf III/6). The Red Dwarf gang,
in order to impress the TOS Enterprise crew in order to get their help,
is dressed in their best clothes. This means that Lister's shirt has only
two curry stains on it. Holly is even wearing a hairpiece.
+=========================================================================+

(V/KIRK): Captain's log stardate 69. A small landing party is beaming over
to Red Dwarf. This includes Mr. Spock and Mr. Scott, who can help
provide technical assistance, Dr. McCoy and Nurse Chappel, who can
give any needed medical assistance, Mr. Sulu, who can oil himself
up and duel with his sword for security assistance, and myself,
who can get laid.

Five columns of light appear in the Officer's Club, with the accompanying
el-cheapo sound effects. The columns of light transform into the affor-
mentioned ST:TOS personnel.

CAT: Wow, I haven't seen a light show like that since Jenny and I ...

Janny slaps the shinola out of Cat, who collapses on the floor.

KOCHANSKI (saluting): Christine Kochanski, Acting Captain, welcomes you
to Red Dwarf.

KIRK: Hey, baby, does that H on your forehead stand for 'hot mama'?

KOCHANSKI: Captain Kirk, with all due respect, smeg off. I am engaged to
Dave Lister now.

SPOCK: Sir, sensors indicate that this person is actually mechanical.

KRYTEN: Yes, I am a service droid in service to Mr. Lister, who saved me
from a wrecked craft.

SPOCK: Fascinating.

McCOY: Dammit, Spock, I'm the doctor!

KIRK (looking at Jenny): And who might you be, sweet thing?

JENNY: You're worst nightmare: a woman with a mind of her own.

Cat regains his feet and looks at Kirk.

CAT: Aigh! Look out! There's a strange furry animal and it's attacking
that man's head!

Cat then rips Kirk's wig off his head and shreds it to bits.

LISTER: So, Kirk, what does that bald area on your head stand for, lack
of testosterone?

SCOTTY: Hardly.

HOLLY: Emergency. Emergency. There's and emergency going on. It's still
going on.

KOCHANSKI: What is it, Hol?

HOLLY: There's another ship approaching.

SPOCK: Odd, sir, when we transported over, there were no ships in our sector
except for us and Red Dwarf.

HOLLY: That's because it just came through the time hole.

LISTER: WHAT time hole?

KRYTEN: But didn't we close up the one we went through?

HOLLY: Yeah, but this is a new one. The one the other Enterprise made.

ALL: WHAT?!?!?!

Commercial

Throughout this commercial we see scenes of modernday Norman Rockwell
scenes, one of which contains the industry standard token black family.

V/ANNOUNCER: It was a simpler time. A time when you could trust your
neighbors to sleep with your spouse. When the people with money in
America acted irresponsibly and selfishly while destroying the
nation's economy. When a president representing big business and
the wealthy was in the White House. When Congress fought inflation
by constantly voting themselves pay raises. When only the wealthy
could properly afford an education and good medical care. When the
yuppie scum who run this country drove Japanese cars to rallies for
the homeless.

Camera cuts to a Mazda Miata sitting in a showroom.

V/ANNOUNCER: When people would pay over $25000 dollars for a car which
runs on rubber bands and could fit in a coat pocket, just because
it's a status symbol and made in Japan. The new Mazda Miata. The
car that preserves the American dream. In Japan.

End of commercial

+=========================================================================+
Scene opens with a space shot of TNG Enterprise closing in on TOS
Enterprise and Red Dwarf.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, stardate unknown because of that damn time hole.
We are now in an unknown time and place, and we can see that Red
Dwarf is near what looks like an old Federation warship. We must
protect Red Dwarf from possible harm, or else we'll be stuck with
Mr. Rimmer for all eternity.

+=========================================================================+
Scene shifts to interior of Red Dwarf, in the Officer's Club, as
before.
+=========================================================================+

HOLLY: I'm getting a message from the other Enterprise. 'ang on while I
put it on screen.

LISTER: O smeg. I think they're going to make us take Rimmer back.

CAT: What!? No way, Jose! I'd rather work for a living!

KOCHANSKI: Well, it was nice while it lasted. Have a good life, Dave.

CAT: After the start he's had?

LISTER: No, Chrissy, I am NOT letting you go without a fight!

JENNY: I agree. I'm behind you, Dave.

The bridge of TNG Enterprise comes on the screen.

PICARD: Lister, I need to see you right now.

LISTER: Okay, beam some people over. We've got part of the crew from the
other Enterprise here now.

PICARD: OTHER Enterprise?

Kirk adjusts what looks like a shredded squirrel on his bald head. He
adjusts his uniform and puffs out his chest like a male grouse during the
mating season.

KIRK: This ... is ... Captain James T. Kirk of the Enterprise.

RIKER (spitting out a whole canteloupe): Wow! My hero!

LISTER: Listen, Picard, what do you want, anyway?

PICARD: You have to take Rimmer back. He has been violating our privacy
with a breathtaking irreverence.

CAT: Hey, I don't care if ol' Grease Stain has been violating young boys
with an overripe celery stalk, he's staying!

KRYTEN: Captain Picard, sir, you must understand: Lt. Kochanski here is a
hologram. Since we can only support one hologram at a time,
bringing Mr. Rimmer back to our ship would cause her to expire.

CAT: Again!

(V/HOLLY): It would also cause her data disk to be permanently corrupted.
She could never even be a hologram again.

PICARD: Yes, that is a problem. We will send a small party over using the
transporter. Picard out. Will, organize a landing party for Red
Dwarf.

RIKER (putting down a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken): Yes sir! (Exits)

TROI: I think Bev and I should go too, sir.

PICARD: Denied.

TROI: ... unless you want Bev to find out about that fetish you showed me
the other day.

PICARD: In that case, permission granted.

+=========================================================================+
The scene shifts back to Red Dwarf's Officer's Club, where they
are waiting for the landing party from TNG Enterprise. Four small
light columns appear, which turn into Worf, Troi, Data, and Bev.
+=========================================================================+

TROI (to Chappel): Hi, mom.

DATA: Lieutenant Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. This is Dr.
Crusher, Councilor Troi, and Lieutenant Worf. Commander Riker will
beam over momentarily.

CAT: Why didn't Dogbreath come over with you guys?

WORF: We couldn't all safely fit on the transporter with Commander Riker.

McCOY: Dr. Crusher, I am Dr. McCoy of the Enterprise.

CRUSHER: Pleased to meet you.

McCOY: Pardon me asking but do they call you 'Bones'?

CRUSHER: Not often, but it has happened.

McCOY (laughing hysterically): 'Bones' Crusher! Hahahahahaha!!!

Bev punches him in the eye.

DATA: Dr. McCoy, I believe we have met before, sir.

McCOY: We have?

DATA: Yes, when the newer Enterprise was first comissioned.

McCOY: How the hell can I know about my own future? Dammit, Data, I'm a
doctor, not a psychic!

DATA: I am sorry, sir. Apparently humans from your time are not used to
travelling in time, unless it involves the late 20th century
Earth. But as an android, I am not affected by such concepts.

McCOY: You mean you're not alive?

DATA: No, sir.

SPOCK (with that old seven-year look in his eye): Fascinating.

McCOY: YOU may think it's fascinating, Spock, but it really frosts my
shorts! Imagine, thinking they can make a bunch of tinkertoys
into a human!

WORF: Lt. Commander Data is not only a fully qualified Starfleet Officer,
but he is also a living creature in the eyes of the Federation.

SPOCK: Really? Are his emotions normal for humans?

DATA: No sir, I am entirely devoid of emotion.

SPOCK (with that seven-year look getting stronger): Most intriguing!

KIRK (with one eye on Bev as she and Troi talks to Chappel about various
family matters, etc): Gentleman, let us get down to business.

Just then a ball of light the size of a swing band appears in the middle
of the Officer's Club and becomes Riker, eating a jellybean burrito.

RIKER: Got any food?

JENNY: Cork it for a bit, Riker, we've got work to do.

KIRK (strutting up to Bev): We certainly do.

LISTER: Let's get down to business.

KIRK (looking at Bev like a wolf looks at a wounded elk): I am.

HOLLY: Gordon Bennett, what a smeghead.

CRUSHER: Kirk, you can either quit looking at my breasts and attend to the
problems at hand, or I will surgically remove your genitalia with
a rusty knife and give them to you as a necklace.

KRYTEN: If I may, as I see it, the situation is this: the future Enterprise
needs to purge itself of Mr. Arnold, Red Dwarf can't take him and
needs to get back to its own time, and Captain Kirk here needs to
be neutered to stop his being sexist and disfunctional.

RIKER: I need food.

LISTER: Here, try this.

RIKER: What is it?

LISTER: A triple fried egg sandwich with chili sauce and chutney.

RIKER: YUM! (wolfs it down) Not bad. Now then, we need ... (turns pale)
... I gotta find a bathroom! (waddles out as quickly as he can)

WORF: Nice one, Dave! ( Worf and Lister high five.)

SPOCK: What seems to be the problem with this Mr. Rimmer?

CAT: You want a list?

WORF: He has been violating security and crew members' privacy, and has
generally been a danger and a nuisance to others.

CAT: Sounds like Rimmer to me.

DATA: He has been disrupting our ship's discipline and morale, and he has
endangered the lives of the entire crew.

LISTER: Now 'ang on a minute. Rimmer promised me he wouldn't do anything 
like that after he spied on me and Troi.

TROI: Not precisely, Dave. If you'll recall, you told him not to do that to
either you or me. Since then he has not bothered me, and he can't
have bothered you.

KOCHANSKI: Dave, what were you doing with her ... alone?

JENNY: Chrissy, Troi is the ship's councilor for the Enterprise.

KIRK (sotto voce): I could use some of that councilling myself.

TROI: I am also empathic; I can sense feelings, emotions, moods. Some of
us were discussing the holodecks on our ship, and at this point I
sensed sadness in Dave. He had used his holodeck time to just
talk to a computer simulation of you. I thought it best to ...
help him work out his depression and frustration.

KOCHANSKI: I'm sorry, but I've just been brought back as a hologram by
Dave, and I guess I'm a bit jealous.

TROI: I understand.

CAT: Besides, he hadn't got any in over three million years.

Lister punches Cat. Kochanski just looks at Lister with a you'll-pay-
for-that smile.

KIRK (in awash-with-testosterone mode): You know, Troi, I am in need of
some ... counciling myself. Maybe I should see you about it.

TROI: Well, I sense something very strong and scarring inside you.

KIRK: Oh? And what would that be?

TROI: Enough horniness for a whole herd of wildebeast in the rut.

LISTER: Look, I refuse to take Rimmer back. I don't want to lose Chrissy
and I will not risk damaging her holodisk.

DATA: Pardon me, but what information is stored on the holodisk?

KRYTEN: Oh, just the person's personality, accumulated knowledge, their
DNA structures, things like that.

DATA: Their DNA structures? Fascinating. Mr. Spock, with your help, I
think I can create a solution to this impasse.

SPOCK: Of course, it would be an honor.

Commercial

Keith Richards is standing in fron tof a black background.

Keith: 'ello, I'm Keith Rich-eds. There are a lot of you young punks
out there who are doing drugs. But what you don't see is that the
drugs are causing problems worse than the ones you're running
away from. Drugs are not the answer. If you don't do drugs don't
start. If you are a drug taker, stop and clean up. That way there
will be a shitload more for me out there and the prices will go
down to boot. Remember, drugs are not the answer. Drugs are the
question. Yes is the answer.

End of Commercial

+=========================================================================+
We come back from the commercial to see Data, Geordi, Spock,
Kryten, and Holly working in front of a computer in engineering. Kryten
is holding a holodisk while Holly, Geordi, and Data are having a rather
heated discussion. Spock is his usual impassive self, but he keeps staring
at Data.
+=========================================================================+

(V/PICARD): Captain's log, stardate still unknown. Commander Data has come
up with a scheme which may give us a way around our problems. He
believes that we can use the genetic information that exists on
the Red Dwarf holodisk in conjunction with our transporters to
bring the crew of the Red Dwarf back to life. However, because
this procedure requires so much energy, we will be able to
resurrect only one crew member and still have enough left over to
open two time holes: one for Red Dwarf, another for us should
ours close. The old Enterprise refuses to help any more than
loaning Mr. Spock because Jenny ripped off Captain Kirk's
testicles when he hit on her.

DATA: I am not certain that would work, Geordi.

GEORDI: Yeah, me neither.

SPOCK: Yes, your original plan, though simple, should be sufficient.
There is no need to complicate it further.

HOLLY: Good news, I think I have the data in a format that your computer
can read now.

GEORDI: Okay, let's see if we can read in the DNA data now.

Geordi punches up a few things on the computer.

KRYTEN: It seems to be going okay...

GEORDI: Done. Okay, let's look at the DNA code...

SPOCK: Fascinating. Captain Hollister has just become a woman.

HOLLY: 'ang on a minute, I've got it upside down ... there.

DATA: Perfect.

KRYTEN: Well done, everybody. Now we are ready for the next phase.

Kryten removes one holodisk and replaces it with another.

KRYTEN: Lt. Kochanski's holodisk now in place and ready.

DATA: Reading in the file ... Done. Now proceeding to reformatting the
file ... Done. We are now ready for the transporters.

Holly, Kryten, and Geordi leave. As Data is walking out, ...

SPOCK: Excuse me, Commander Data, I have a few questions that I must
ask you.

+=========================================================================+
Fade to Transporter Room 3. Data, O'Brien, Kryten, Geordi, Holly,
and Bev are there, but Spock is nowhere to be found.
+=========================================================================+

GEORDI: Running diagnostics ....

DATA: Odd. The Kochanski file has been tampered with.

O'BRIEN: But who...?

DATA, KRYTEN, HOLLY, GEORDI, BEV: Rimmer!

KRYTEN: Sir, I have a cunning plan. Let us reload the file, but store
it under the name Rimmer. It will not change a thing, but it may
fool Mr. Rimmer.

DATA: Excellent idea, honey thighs. I shall reload the file ... Done.
Reformatting ... Done. Now, Chief.

O'BRIEN: Right, McCloud.

A small needle of light appears on the transporter, which shimmers into
a very alive, very nude Kochanski.

KOCHANSKI: I'm alive!

KRYTEN: Glad to have you back, ma'am.

GEORDI (looking up): Whoa! Check out the infrared!

O'BRIEN: Data, can we hook up Geordi's visor to ...

BEV: Knock it off. (Goes over Kochanski with her twirly thing.) She
seems perfectly fine, fit, and well-formed.

GEORDI (sotto voce): You can say that again.

DATA: Now to bring Mr. Rimmer back as a hologram.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to Troi's quarters. Spock is there talking to her.
+=========================================================================+

TROI: Mr. Spock, I do sense the pain, but you need to open up and tell me
what you feel. You have to tell me how Data's rejection of your
advances hurt.

SPOCK: I cannot put it into words. Perhaps a Vulcan mindmeld would help.

TROI: Very well.

Spock begins to give Troi a mindmeld. After four seconds, his hand starts
to quiver and her breathing gets heavy. She starts to moan and Spock gets
a rather glazed yet intense look on his face.

TROI: O yes!

SPOCK: O wow! Owow!OwowOwowOwow!

+=========================================================================+
Cut to scene of Troi an Spock lying in bed, smoking cigarettes
and smiling from ear to ear. Troi rolls over to face Spock.
+=========================================================================+

TROI: Tell me again what's on your mind, Spockie.

Spock grins, throws his cigarette away, and places his hand on Troi's
head for another mindmeld.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to Picard's ready room. Geordi, Kryten, Kochanski (now fully
dressed), Data, and Holly are there.
+=========================================================================+

PICARD: So everything is ready.

GEORDI: Yes sir. Rimmer has been converted back to his old hologramatic
self, and is restricted to the cargo bays, and the time hole for
Red Dwarf is now stabilized.

PICARD: Very well, dismissed.

KOCHANSKI (holding out hand): Thank you, Captain Picard, for bringing me
back to life.

PICARD: You are more than welcome.

All exit, except Data, who hovers near the door.

DATA: Sir, I would like to discuss something with you.

PICARD: Yes, what is it?

DATA: Sir, I would like to resign from Starfleet and join Red Dwarf.

PICARD: WHAT?! But why!?

DATA: Because I am in love with Kryten, sir, and I believe him to be
carrying our love child.

PICARD: Well, since Mr. Spock has just requested to sign on with us, I
suppose it's okay.

+=========================================================================+
Scene fades to cargo bay of Red Dwarf, where Jenny, Cat, and
Lister are waiting outside of Starbug. Out step Kryten, Holly, Data,
Kochanski, and a hologramtic Rimmer with a big scarlet letter S (for
'Smeghead') on his chest.
+=========================================================================+

CAT: You made it!

Lister runs up and hugs Kochanski.

JENNY: Data, what are you doing here?

DATA: Well, is it not the responsibility of the father to provide the
best for his offspring?

CAT: WHAT?

KRYTEN: Yes, I am pregnant with Data's love child.

LISTER: You wot?

KOCHANSKI: Give you any ideas, Dave?

HOLLY: We've got to get going, the time hole will close up pretty soon.

+=========================================================================+
Cut to scene of the Earth. In orbit near the planet is a big
orange whirly thing. A huge red spacecraft emerges as a possibly familiar
song begins to play.
+=========================================================================+

SINGER: It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere...
I'm all alone, More or less.
Let me fly far away from here.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose,
Sipping fresh mango juice.
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.