ROTFL
ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿
³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
³ Û ROTFL Digest! Volume 1, Issue 6 January, 1994 Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Published by Access Media Systems Û ³
³ Û Voice/Fax: (905)847-7362 Data: <Node 3> (905)825-8653 Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Editor/Official Dishwasher: Sandy Illes Û ³
³°°°°°Û Contributing Editor/Elvis Impersonator: Richard Platel Û°°°°°³
³ Û Û ³
³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Contents: Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Editorial Û ³
³ Û True Silly Stories From Around The World Û ³
³ Û An Offer To Join The Book-Of-The-Month Club Û ³
³ Û Borg On A Hot Tin Roof (The Play) Û ³
³ Û Christmas At The Redneck Household Û ³
³ Û Get Rid Of Unwanted People... Û ³
³ Û Some Great Top Ten Lists From The C2C Top Ten Conference Û ³
³ Û Jokes, Jokes, Jokes! Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ Û Û ³
³ ÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛÛ ³
³ ³
³ Editorial ³
³ --------- ³
³ ³
³ Now that Christmas is almost over, it's time to start avoiding bill ³
³ collectors and wonder how the heck we figured we were going to ³
³ pay for all those gifts on our measly salaries! Happy debting ³
³ to one and all! :) ³
³ ³
³ Thanks to the guy who called in to comment on ROTFL ³
³ Digest! (Sorry, but I didn't get your name - heck, I barely ³
³ remember my OWN name!) ³
³ ³
³ All submissions are welcomed! Please note that only original ³
³ material will be considered for publication. Plagiarists will ³
³ be impersonated, and I think you all know how painful that can be. ³
³ ³
³°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°³
³ ³
³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³
³ ³ ROTFL Digest may be freely reposted on any BBS, as long as it ³ ³
³ ³ remains unaltered in any way. Submissions to ROTFL Digest may ³ ³
³ ³ be uploaded to Access Media BBS at (905)825-8653 as an ascii ³ ³
³ ³ [C]omment to Sysop, or sent via Fidonet netmail to 1:259/314. ³ ³
³ ³ ROTFL Digest may not be reproduced for commercial purposes ³ ³
³ ³ without the express written consent of the publishers. ³ ³
³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ True Silly Stories From Around The World: ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ IT'S ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU GIVE UP HOT DOGS ³
³ ³
³ Wasau, Wisconsin - A man placed a dog in an operating microwave ³
³ oven for 10 seconds, police say. The dog died. Ronald Bouchar, ³
³ 22, was arrested and charged with inhumane treatment of an ³
³ animal. Presumably, the prison won't serve him hot dogs. ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ A BLESSING IN DISGUISE FOR THE HUSBAND? ³
³ ³
³ Frankfurt, Germany - Angry Edith Werner, 57, divorced her husband ³
³ Otto, 59, after discovering that he'd been deaf for the past 20 ³
³ years. "He made a fool of me," said Edith. "He'd say 'Yes dear' ³
³ every time my mouth moved!" ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ BUT WHO USES THE POOPER SCOOPER? ³
³ ³
³ St. Louis, Missouri - A judge in a divorce case ordered the ³
³ husband and wife to share joint custody of their two dogs - but ³
³ the pets must get visitation rights with each other. Carla and ³
³ Tony Julius must meet in a designated parking lot every Sunday to ³
³ ensure the dogs get to vist with each other for 4 hours. ³
³ Presently, Carla and Tony get possession of one dog for six days ³
³ a week. ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ BUT THINK OF WHAT THE GUY WILL SAVE ON SOCKS... ³
³ ³
³ Adelaide, Australia - A sunbather found a pair of shoes on the ³
³ beach with a pair of feet still in them. Experts are attempting ³
³ to determine if the feet belonged to a shark-attack victim. ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ A SECOND JOB THAT REALLY PAYS WELL, EH? ³
³ ³
³ Vicenza, Italy - An eyewitness to a bank robbery raced to the ³
³ police station to report the holdup, and found the culprit behind ³
³ the counter. Patrolman Paolo Bronzo, 29, was charged with ³
³ carrying out the $100,000 bank heist. Bronzo later confessed to ³
³ eight additional robberies. A police spokesman said, "I guess he ³
³ was moonlighting." ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ IS THAT YOU, MOM? ³
³ ³
³ Fort Lauderdale, Florida - Jane Brock sued in court for exclusive ³
³ rights to the name "Mommy" with her children. Jane was angry that ³
³ her two children were calling their new stepmother "Mommy Lisa." ³
³ She won her case in Circuit Court but the decision was later ³
³ over-ruled on an appeal. ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ WHY DIDN'T SHE TAKE A SHOWER INSTEAD? ³
³ ³
³ Philadelphia, Pa. - 440-pound Lisa Scavone, 26, got stuck in the ³
³ bathtub for two days and had to be rescued by firefighters using ³
³ the "jaws of life." Lisa's cousin, Angela Scavone, said, "Somehow ³
³ she got wedged in against the faucet when she leaned back in the ³
³ tub. The poor thing was wrinkled like a prune from having been in ³
³ the water for two days." ROTFL Digest thinks she may have been ³
³ more like a whale than a prune... ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ IN THE SAUCE ³
³ ³
³ Quebec, Que. - Vincenzo Murdocco, 48, Enzo Gualtieri, 33, and ³
³ Franco Perroti, 28, were arrested after the RCMP discovered $47 ³
³ million dollars worth of cocaine stashed in tomato paste cans. ³
³ U.S. customs officials became suspicious after noticing that ³
³ Murdocco's Quebec food company was importing tomato paste from ³
³ Panama through Puerto Rico and New Orleans. "Panama is not known ³
³ for its tomato paste," said RCMP Sergeant Denis Dumas. ³
³ ³
³ ³
³ TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY ³
³ ³
³ Hope, Arkansas - Tourists from Ohio who had their van stolen in ³
³ Dallas, Texas, turned the tables on the crooks and stole it back ³
³ in Hope, Arkansas. Mark and Denise Lewis got back their van by ³
³ using a spare key on it while it was in a store parking lot. ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
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³ ÚÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÂÄÄÄÄÄÄ¿ ³
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³ ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄÅÄÄÄÄÄÄ´ ³
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³ ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ ³
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ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ Borg On A Hot Tin Roof ³
³ ³
³ starring Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg ³
³ ³
³ The Enterprise is (naturally) in an unexplored ³
³ sector of some unknown galaxy when it encounters a ³
³ Borg ship. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: What are the Borg doing here??? ³
³ ³
³ Riker: Assimilating, Sir. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: This is MY unexplored galaxy and I won't ³
³ have the Borg assimilating it before I've had a ³
³ chance to play God for some backwards savages, do ³
³ you hear me??? ³
³ ³
³ Riker: Should we attack them, Sir? ³
³ ³
³ Picard: And get our heads blown off? Plus, how will ³
³ we fill in the rest of the hour? Who'll advertise ³
³ during Star Trek if it's over in five minutes? ³
³ ³
³ Geordi: Perhaps our special guests for this week can ³
³ help us find a solution. ³
³ ³
³ Ernest Borgnine and Zsa Zsa Gaborg enter the bridge. ³
³ ³
³ Borgnine (looking at viewscreen): Why, I remember ³
³ them! Those are the people who killed my father! ³
³ ³
³ Gaborg: And dose are da ones who tried to give me a ³
³ ticket for speeding, dahling! (to Picard) Please let ³
³ me go slap them silly! ³
³ ³
³ Picard: I don't think slapping the Borg silly is a ³
³ good plot device. Hmmmmm, I have to figure out a ³
³ plot, and fast. (surreptiously looks into the ³
³ camera) Viewers are watching. ³
³ ³
³ Data: I suggest that we beam down to the planet ³
³ which the Borg ship is orbiting, then we can be ³
³ taken prisoner and spend the rest of the show ³
³ desperately trying to escape. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: Brilliant idea, as usual! I'll lead the AWAY ³
³ team since otherwise I don't do much besides grump ³
³ at the children the Enterprise now drags all over ³
³ space. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: I'm responsible for your safety, Sir! ³
³ ³
³ Picard: And I'm responsible for this show's ratings! ³
³ ³
³ Troi: Shall I prepare to join the AWAY team, ³
³ captain? ³
³ ³
³ Picard: Will we need eye-candy on the planet? Oh, ³
³ what the heck, pack an overnight bag with one of ³
³ those skimpy uniforms that only Betazoids wear in ³
³ Starfleet. ³
³ ³
³ Geordi: Will you be needing my ³
³ computer-nerd-specialist skills on the AWAY team? ³
³ ³
³ Picard: As if you're not the one responsible for ³
³ solving all the Borg problems we've ever had! Of ³
³ course I do! ³
³ ³
³ The AWAY team consisting of Picard, Riker, Troi, ³
³ Geordi, Data, Gaborg and Borgnine lands on the ³
³ surface of the planet. ³
³ ³
³ Gaborg: Are you sure we won't get a ticket for ³
³ speeding in the transporter, dahling? That trip was ³
³ very fast... ³
³ ³
³ Borgnine: Look! I see someone ahead! ³
³ ³
³ The AWAY team begins walking quickly towards the ³
³ person Borgnine has indicated. It is Captain Kirk. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: What are you doing here, Kirk? ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Reclaiming my glory. I was never given such ³
³ worthy opponents as the Borg. Instead, all I got ³
³ were Halloween critters, Klingons and Romulans. I ³
³ demand the right to show the viewers what Captain ³
³ Kirk would do when faced with the Borg. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: This is an outrage! Star Trek viewers are no ³
³ longer interested in you or your toupee! ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Let's settle this man to man via judo. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: I don't fight. ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: See what a wimp the writers have made you? ³
³ ³
³ Picard: I resent that! Data, hit him! ³
³ ³
³ Data: I cannot hit him without reasonable cause. It ³
³ would interfere with my moral programming. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: Riker, hit Captain Kirk! ³
³ ³
³ Riker: Well, gee... he's so good in fights. Can't ³
³ you just bore him to sleep so we can carry on with ³
³ this mission? ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Hah! I'm wearing earplugs so you can't bore me ³
³ to sleep! ³
³ ³
³ Suddenly, there is the sound of footsteps. Several ³
³ Borg have been watching this discussion and are now ³
³ approaching. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: It's the BORG! Ready phasers. ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: They'll just redefine their circuitry so your ³
³ phasers will have no effect. Why don't you let me ³
³ handle this? ³
³ ³
³ Picard: Never! You're history, Kirk! The sooner ³
³ every Star Trek fan forgets about you, the better! ³
³ ³
³ At that instant, Kirk grabs the Borg closest to him ³
³ and swings him over his shoulder. A battle ensues in ³
³ which Kirk is naturally the victor. ³
³ ³
³ Picard (looking down at the unconscious Borg): Why ³
³ did judo work when peaceful discussion and phasers ³
³ did nothing? ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Writer's convenience. ³
³ ³
³ Data: I suggest we check out that building in the ³
³ distance. It could explain why the Borg are on this ³
³ planet. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: Good idea. ³
³ ³
³ Troi: I sense something awful is happening in there. ³
³ ³
³ Picard: You can't sense anything yet! We still have ³
³ a half hour to fill! ³
³ ³
³ The group trudges over to the building. It is very ³
³ low and has a lot of electric wires running about ³
³ it. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: I'm going in. Captain, you wait here. ³
³ ³
³ Riker and Data enter the building. ³
³ ³
³ Data: Do you think we should have brought Geordi ³
³ along? ³
³ ³
³ Riker: No, the captain needs someone to explain ³
³ modern technology to him. ³
³ ³
³ A group approaches Riker and Data, but it is not ³
³ Borg - it's the crew from the old Star Trek ³
³ episodes. ³
³ ³
³ Spock: I see our plan worked. ³
³ ³
³ Scotty: Aye, the chickens are caught in the coop. ³
³ ³
³ Uhura: Aye sir! ³
³ ³
³ Spock: The captain is not here. Why do you continue ³
³ to say "Aye sir"? ³
³ ³
³ Uhura: Sorry, Mr. Spock. Force of habit. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: What do you mean, we're caught? ³
³ ³
³ Spock: You've been stealing fame and glory that ³
³ belonged rightfully to the original Star Trek ³
³ members. We are now obtaining this right by force. ³
³ ³
³ Data: Is this logical? ³
³ ³
³ Spock: It is to me. ³
³ ³
³ Data: Then if it's okay for a Vulcan, it's okay for ³
³ me. ³
³ ³
³ Riker (whispering): We have to fight them, Data! ³
³ ³
³ Data: That is useless. As you can see, we are ³
³ outnumbered, plus they appear to have the Borg ³
³ backing them up. ³
³ ³
³ Hundreds of Borg now gather in a circle around the ³
³ group. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: But... the Borg? ³
³ ³
³ Spock: They seemed like a logical choice to make an ³
³ agreement with. ³
³ ³
³ Data: Why have they not assimilated you? ³
³ ³
³ McCoy: Writer's convenience. ³
³ ³
³ Data and Riker both nod their heads in ³
³ understanding. ³
³ ³
³ McCoy: The Borg got tired of being talked to death ³
³ so they approached us with the deal. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: Well, Picard is a bit long-winded... ³
³ ³
³ Scotty: A bit??? Nothing but talk for fifty five ³
³ minutes per episode! ³
³ ³
³ Riker: So why is this episode entitled "Borg On A ³
³ Hot Tin Roof"? ³
³ ³
³ Spock: Because we're having a BBQ on the roof of ³
³ this building and you're the honored guests. We all ³
³ saw the movie "Alive!" and got to wondering how you ³
³ guys would taste. ³
³ ³
³ Riker: You'll never get away with it! ³
³ ³
³ Just then, Kirk enters with the AWAY team and guest ³
³ stars. He has his phaser set on "sautee." ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Are we ready? ³
³ ³
³ Spock: I believe so, Sir. ³
³ ³
³ The AWAY team and guest stars are forced to the roof, ³
³ where the others cook them with their phasers. ³
³ ³
³ Kirk: Ahhh, that was finger lickin' good. ³
³ ³
³ Spock: I do believe you'd have been successful if ³
³ you'd chosen to pursue a career in cooking, Sir. ³
³ ³
³ Everyone laughs as the scene fades out. ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ ³
³ Christmas At The Redneck Household By Sandy Illes ³
³ ³
³ It was really hard gettin' a good fire goin' for ³
³ Santa, but we managed to do it by settin' a few ³
³ crates burnin' in the middle of the livin' room. ³
³ The kids began cryin' when the tree caught fire but ³
³ we just told 'em that Santa would leave an extra ³
³ round of ammo in their stockings. That cheered 'em ³
³ up a whole lot. ³
³ ³
³ We left out the traditional plate of chewin' tobacco ³
³ and a shot of moonshine for the old fat guy. We sure ³
³ could never figure out why the old guy had the face ³
³ of a cherub and the body of Delta Burke. ³
³ ³
³ In the morning, we had to rush out to the highway to ³
³ find us some dinner. Luckily, we found a deer and ³
³ brought it home in the back of the pickup. The ³
³ missus commenced to preparin' the meat while I went ³
³ to see what was happenin' with the kids. ³
³ ³
³ Well, they were just delighted with the gifts they ³
³ received. Larry had gotten two rounds of ammo and a ³
³ new sock that matched the one he got last year; ³
³ Darryl got two rounds of ammo and a real live ³
³ spider; the other Darryl got two rounds of ammo and ³
³ a toothbrush (although Lord knows why he asked for ³
³ one - he ain't got no teeth!). ³
³ ³
³ It was just a grand old day, what with the kids ³
³ shootin' at each other and the dogs. Spot was killed ³
³ so we put him in the freezer for tomorrow night's ³
³ supper. ³
³ ³
³ When we sat down to eat, I didn't expect what Larry ³
³ said. He said, "We're not going to eat Rudolph, are ³
³ we???" ³
³ ³
³ Well, whaddya know - the deer we'd found on the road ³
³ was a reindeer and none other than Rudolph the ³
³ red-nosed reindeer, at that! ³
³ ³
³ He tasted delicious! ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
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³ sinister looking man is staring intently at you. ³
³ ³
³ Solution 1: Fall on the floor and pretend to have a ³
³ seizure. When he comes near, hit him repeatedly in ³
³ the face. ³
³ ³
³ Solution 2: Begin loudly singing songs praising ³
³ Satan. ³
³ ³
³ Solution 3: Studiously pick your nose, taking great ³
³ care to show off the contents. Offer to pick his ³
³ nose for him. ³
³ ³
³ Yes, for only $99.95 we guarantee that you will be ³
³ taught how to act like a raving lunatic! How can you ³
³ pass up such a great offer? You'd have to be crazy! ³
³ Call to order: ³
³ ³
³ In Canada: 1-800-CRAZY-EH ³
³ In the US: 1-800-GOT-A-GUN ³
³ In Italy: 1-800-IMA-NUTS ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ Some great Top Ten lists collected in the City2City Top Ten conference! ³
³ Whine at your Sysop until he agrees to carry the C2C Top Ten ³
³ conference, okay? :) ³
³ ³
³ From: RICHARD PLATEL ³
³ ³
³ TOP TEN THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW, AND DIDN'T CARE ³
³ ³
³ 10: There are more left-socks in the world than right. ³
³ 9: If you lined up all of Canada's MPs, head to toe, they still ³
³ wouldn't reach a point. ³
³ 8: The Thar desert is the world's ninth largest. ³
³ 7: Floccinaucinihlipipification is a word. ³
³ 6: December 31, 1999 is going to be a Friday. ³
³ 5: E is the most common vowel in the English language. ³
³ 4: There are three more items on this list. ³
³ 3: Number 7 means "the act of estimating something to be worthless." ³
³ 2: There's no fool like an old fool. ³
³ 1: This is an anticlimax. ³
³------------------------------------------------------------------------- ³
³ ³
³ From: SANDY ILLES ³
³ ³
³ Top Ten Banks That Rejected Rich As A Customer: ³
³ ³
³ 10. National Bank Of No Refunds. ³
³ 9. National Bank Of Our Lady Of Perpetual Poverty. ³
³ 8. National Bank Of No Tellers. ³
³ 7. National Bank Of Big Lineups. ³
³ 6. National Bank Of Rude Credit Managers. ³
³ 5. National Bank Of Chained Pens. ³
³ 4. National Bank Of No Withdrawls. ³
³ 3. National Bank Of Interest Leeching. ³
³ 2. National Bank Of Spasmodic Savings. ³
³ 1. National Bank Of On-The-Take Moderators. ³
³------------------------------------------------------------------------- ³
³ ³
³ From: SANDY ILLES ³
³ ³
³ Top Ten Things Better Than Being A Couch Potato: ³
³ ³
³ 10. Being a couch tomato. ³
³ 9. Sticking marbles up your nose. ³
³ 8. Draining all the blood from your body to see if it's really 8 pints. ³
³ 7. Curing a headache by shooting yourself in the foot. ³
³ 6. Writing letters to people you don't know and addressing the ³
³ envelopes to "Occupant." ³
³ 5. Accidentally poking yourself in the eye while trying to put out the ³
³ fire in your hair. ³
³ 4. Participating in a Spam-eating contest. ³
³ 3. Setting your hair on fire because you're too cheap to pay for a ³
³ trim, plus it feels so good when it stops. ³
³ 2. Loving potato salad so much that you marry it. ³
³ 1. Winning the C2CTTCTTLOTM contest! ³
³------------------------------------------------------------------------- ³
³ ³
³ From: SANDY ILLES ³
³ ³
³ Top Ten Things Fred Flintstone COULD Have Said, But Didn't: ³
³ ³
³ 10. With a cold: Yabba dabba ahhhhhhhhhhhh-choooooooo! ³
³ 9. As a chef: Yabba dabba fondue! ³
³ 8. As a confused Frenchman: Yabba dabba perdu! ³
³ 7. As a paste-up artist: Yabba dabba glue! ³
³ 6. As a footwear salesman: Yabba dabba shoe! ³
³ 5. When he's dead: Yabba dabba BOO! ³
³ 4. When he meets a skunk: Yabba dabba phew! ³
³ 3. With Alzheimer's Disease: Yabba dabba who??? ³
³ 2. When he regresses to his second childhood: Yabba dabba goo goo! ³
³ 1. If he's reincarnated as a cow: Yabba dabba moooooooooo! ³
³------------------------------------------------------------------------- ³
³ ³
³ From: SANDY ILLES ³
³ ³
³ Top Ten Things SPAM Goes Best With: ³
³ ³
³ 10. Eggs. ³
³ 9. Lime Jello. ³
³ 8. A stomach pump. ³
³ 7. Indigestion. ³
³ 6. A very low IQ. ³
³ 5. Fish heads on a rotting newspaper. ³
³ 4. A chronic inability to taste food products. ³
³ 3. More SPAM. ³
³ 2. And yet even more SPAM. ³
³ 1. All the SPAM in the world. ³
³ ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
ÃÂÂÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³³³JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES³³
ÃÁÁÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÁ´
³ ³
³ To be sung to the tune of The Christmas Song by Nat "King" Cole: ³
³ ³
³ Chipmunks Roasting On An Open Fire ³
³ ³
³ Chipmunks roasting ³
³ on an open fire. ³
³ Their eyes bulge out, ³
³ as they explode. ³
³ ³
³ Machine gun fire, ³
³ opens up on the crowd. ³
³ And folks fall down ³
³ like dominos. ³
³ ³
³ Everybody knows, ³
³ an uzi and some hand grenades, ³
³ help to make the season bright. ³
³ ³
³ Tiny tots, ³
³ bound and gagged in their beds, ³
³ will find it hard to sleep, tonight. ³
³ ³
³ They know that Santa's ³
³ on his way. ³
³ He's got a chainsaw, ³
³ and he's gonna make 'em pay. ³
³ ³
³ And every mother's child ³
³ is gonna spy, ³
³ To watch their Daddy shoot ³
³ those reindeer from the sky... ³
³ ³
³ And so I'm offering ³
³ this simple phrase. ³
³ For the tots by now, ³
³ are turning blue. ³
³ ³
³ Although it's been said ³
³ many times many ways... ³
³ ³
³ Merry Christmas.... to You. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ Pinocchio's Lesson ³
³ ³
³ Pinocchio: I can't seem to get anywhere with the girls. They ³
³ always complain about splinters. ³
³ ³
³ Gepetto: That's easy to fix. Just take some sandpaper and sand it ³
³ smooth. ³
³ ³
³ A few days later ..... ³
³ ³
³ Gepetto: So Pinnochio, are you having any luck with the girls now? ³
³ ³
³ Pinocchio: Who needs girls? ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ Q: Why did some Bohemian radicals throw Vaclav Havel off of a tall ³
³ building? ³
³ A: They wanted to see if the Czech would bounce. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ ³
³ Q: How does Herpes leave the hospital? ³
³ A: On crotches. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ A Swede, a Norwegian, and a Finn all worked on the same ³
³ construction site. The Swede looked in his lunch pail and said ³
³ "Tuna fish! Yuk, I hate tuna." The Norwegian looked in his ³
³ lunch pail and also exclaimed "Tuna fish? Yuk! I hate tuna!" ³
³ The Finn then looked in his lunch pail and exclaimed "Tuna ³
³ fish? Yuk! I yust HATE Tuna!" So they didn't eat that day. ³
³ The next day, the Swede looked in his lunch pail and said "UFF ³
³ DA! Herring sandwich!!!" The Norwegian looked in his lunch ³
³ pail and saw lutefisk. "My wife finally got it right, yust in ³
³ the knick of time!!" exclaimed the Norwegian. The Finn looked ³
³ in his lunch and saw tuna fish, so he flung himself off of the ³
³ building in a fit of rage. The next day, at the Finn's wake, ³
³ the Swede and the Norwegian stopped by and saw his wife. They ³
³ went over and said "We really liked him. He was a good pal." ³
³ To which the wife said, "Ya, and he was considerate, too. He ³
³ even packed his own lunch." ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³Did you hear John Bobbit got a new girlfriend? ³
³But now he's unattached. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³Did you hear John Bobbit was having phone sex the other night? ³
³He got cut off. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³Did you hear John Bobbit is suing his wife? ³
³He wants severance pay. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³I hear the Bobbits are getting back together again. It seems he ³
³doesn't have any hard feelings anymore. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ What has 98 feet but only 14 teeth? ³
³ ³
³ The front row of a Willie Nelson concert. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ One payday an employee received an unusually large cheque. She decided ³
³ not to say anything about it. The following week, however, her cheque was³
³ for less than the normal amount, and confronted her boss. ³
³ ³
³ "How come," the supervisor inquired, "You didn't say anything when you ³
³ were overpaid ?" ³
³ ³
³ Unruffled, the employee replied, "Well I can overlook one mistake - but ³
³ not two in a row!" ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the ³
³ Atlantic, the travel agent decided to have a little fun. "You can ³
³ go first class for $400.00, second class for $250.00, third class ³
³ for $150.00...OR you cans swim alongside the boat for $20.00 plus ³
³ tax." ³
³ ³
³ "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked ³
³ how they prepare their chickens. ³
³ ³
³ The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die." ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ There was a fellow who didn't want to dance because he felt that he ³
³ had two left feet. Then he found out his feet were fine. It was the ³
³ two left shoes that bothered him. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ He led her closely as they moved around the dance floor. After the ³
³ fifth time he'd stepped on her toes, he said, "I can't understand it. ³
³ I never danced so badly before." ³
³ "Oh," she said, "you've danced before?" ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Poo have in common? ³
³ Same middle name. ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ A man came home from work and said, "Honey, I just won ³
³ $6 million in the lotto, go upstairs and get packed!" ³
³ ³
³ His wife says, "That's wonderful!! What should I pack?" ³
³ ³
³ The man says, "I don't care, just be out of here by morning!" ³
ÃÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ´
³ "Honk if you want to see an Uzi fired from my car window" ³
ÀÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÙ
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