How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties

 

How To Be A Couch Potato In The Nineties

by Francis U. Kaltenbaugh

Do you want to be with the technically-correct in-crowd, who have

already prepared for television in the nineties?  You better hurry to

obtain a few needed essentials.  Your old television, operating in

the background, even with its stereo speakers, single remote 

controlling your vcr, cable box, and TV, is passe.  There is a new

age dawning in the art of television watching; it is -- Interactive

Viewing.  You too can be a part of this new Couch Potato mentality by

following a few simple rules.  Do not get left behind!  Follow the

simple suggestions that follow: 

    o You must purchase a 35-inch screen television (bare minimum);

bigger is better here. Or your neighbors will tease you, "Nah-na!

Mine is bigger than yours."  You need: quad stereo speakers, split- 

screen(s), built-in voice activated VCR programing, self-timers, a

minimum of 300 cable ready channels and the largest screen your

wallet can handle.  Then, with the addition of a CD-ROM, you are

ready to interact properly with your computer aided TV. 

    o Purchase a fully automated satellite dish that includes the

proverbial black-box, which unscrambles virtually all channels.  This

will dissuade those channel hoppers, who always lay hands on the

remote before you do.  Since they will have to browse about 300

channels, after their first time through, they will realize -- three

hours later -- they missed the show they intended to watch before the

commercials started.

    o Have someone install the above. You must realize your time is

too precious to waste on menial labor tasks, when instead, you could

be watching/interacting with your TV.

    o Test your couch; is it large enough to serve as a bed, and

dining room table, while still allowing room for you, and selected

friends and family to lounge comfortably?  If not, replace it

immediately.  You must be comfortable to interact well. 

    o Stock your refrigerator, freezer, and pantries with easy to

prepare (microwave) and ready-to-eat foods and snacks.  The closer

your snacks are to the TV/CD-ROM, the more quickly you will be able

to interact with your system.

    o If you don't have someone to serve you, it may be a good idea

to make arrangements for this contingency.  Or be adventurous, do it

yourself, but also get a monitor for the kitchen. It's always best to

carry your remote with you wherever you go.  Don't settle for those

puny laser-light activated remotes (line-of-sight only), get one that

will penetrate walls.  Always be in charge during your interactions. 

      Just because you are in the third floor bathroom, that's no 

reason why you shouldn't be able to continue interacting with that

Soap Opera in the downstairs living room -- simply crank up the

volume to a comfortable sound level for yourself.  Besides, while

you're gone you don't want someone channel surfing in your absence.

    

    o After all the above steps are completed, get fired from your

job, draw unemployment and food stamps. Then grab snacks and drinks,

sit down and RELAX!  Enjoy your remote controlled interactive  

environment.  You can really interact now, much like you used to 

when working, only differently.

Spare no expense and be a part of the new breed of Couch Potato, or

"THEY" will pass you by.  Or you could really get RADICAL and read

Electronic Books and Magazines -- I hear it's the rage among all the

Nerds. 

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Francis U. Kaltenbaugh is a 40 something computer enthusiast, who

enjoys video stimulations. Two children keep things interesting, one

an 18 year-old Marine, and a ten year-old girl, whose only response

is, "Why?"  Francis, who has two books in progress and articles out

everywhere, feels fiction is a mainstay of life  -- for everyone.

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