Bottom Series 1, Episode 6

                                  BOTTOM
                                  ======
                    by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall

                            Series 1, Episode 6


                                 Accident
                                 ========

                              Richie  Rik Mayall
                               Eddie  Adrian Edmondson
                             Spudgun  Steven O'Donnell
                            Hedgehog  Christopher Ryan
                        Party guests  Mark Williams
                                      David Lloyd


Scene 1. The Flat.
------------------

[Morning. Eddie is sitting at the kitchen table. Richie comes in, singing.]

Richie:     Happy birthday to me,
            Happy birthday to me,
            Happy birthday dear Richie,
            Happy birthday to me.
            [pause]
            Happy birth-day to me,
            Happy birth-day... dear... Richie,
            Happy bi-irth-day to-o me!
Eddie:      Happy birthday Richie.
Richie:     Thank you. Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy
            you see Eddie. Let's see, how many cards did you get for your
            birthday? Oh no no, of course, how thoughtless of me, 'cause
            you didn't get any, did you?
Eddie:      Only because you glued up the letterbox.
Richie:     Now that's just sour grapes Eddie, there was absolutely no
            proof that it was me.
Eddie:      Well, except you couldn't get your hands out of your pockets
            all day. Mind you, what's new?
Richie:     Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Ah! "May all your birthdays be happy ones, we
            like you more than Eddie." Ah-haa. That's nice, isn't it?
            "Terry Hardacre". Ah-ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,
            he's written a little joke. "Congratulations, it's your
            birthday, it's time for lots of fun."

[Eddie joins in.]

Both:       "So roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum."
Richie:     Ah, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha! He is a maaad man. Un-
            stoppable. Ah-ha-u--
Eddie:      That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? Oh no, that's
            the same one he's sent for the last five years actually. The
            same joke as well.
Richie:     Hmm-hm-hm-hmm. Ooh! I wonder who this one can be from?
Eddie:      That looks like the one from Sue Carpenter.
Richie:     Eddie, you must be psychic! It is, it's from Sue Carpenter.
            Good old Sue.  [kisses the card]  Mmmmm-mmagh! Hah! I really
            must phone her up more often.
Eddie:      I don't think you should, Richie. They took out that
            injunction, remember?
Richie:     Ooh! Here's one from "All the lads on the Ark Royal"! Bless
            'em, they never forget an old serviceman.
Eddie:      By "serviceman" I take it you mean that time you got caught on
            board pretending to be the Captain, just to impress Ethel
            Cardew.
Richie:     It worked.
Eddie:      No it didn't, she got off with the arresting officer!
Richie:     Yeah, well, it worked for him! Anyway, stop trying to spoil my
            birthday. Look, it says here "Best wishes from all the lads on
            the Ark Royal."
Eddie:      But it's in your handwriting! You've been sending it to
            yourself for the last seven years! This one's from Rod Steiger,
            this one's from Abba, with "Happy Christmas 1973" written
            inside it, and this one's from "The people of the Soviet Union,
            in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie."
Richie:     It's in Russian.
Eddie:      You just put the R's the wrong way round.
Richie:     That's what Russian is!
Eddie:      Gaw! Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade!
Richie:     God, you're weird aren't you? I mean, you're really weird. This
            is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year,
            isn't it? Well it wasn't my fault I got so terribly ill I had
            to order you to cancel your birthday party!
Eddie:      You weren't ill, you just ate a tin of curry powder and painted
            your face green. I knew it was a hoax, because the paint washed
            off when that enema backfired.
Richie:     Okay, okay, okay. Let's sort this out. Now we're good friends
            Eddie, we've known each other for a long time, we can talk. And
            there is something I have been meaning to say to you for the
            last twenty-five years.
Eddie:      Ah! What's that?
Richie:     I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Go away and crawl away and
            die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard!
Eddie:      It was just a joke!
Richie:     No it wasn't!... Was it?
Eddie:      Of course it was! I know these cards are genuine. The guys from
            the Ark Royal, General Pinochet, I mean how could you fake
            something like that, ah ha-ha-ha-haaah! I was joking! I'm
            sorry.
Richie:     Are you?
Eddie:      Yes.
Richie:     Well write it down then. Go on, there's a pen. Write down "I'm
            sorry". Write down "I'm sorry, I am a twat." Write down "I'm
            sorry, I am a twat" ten times. I shall wait for you by the
            television until you're ready.
Eddie:      [writing]  "I'm sorry, I'm a twat."... "Ten times." Here you
            go.

[Richie takes the paper and reads it. A terrible expression crosses his
face. He controls himself and tears the paper up.]

Richie:     You're forgiven. And, you may come to my birthday party
            tonight.
Eddie:      You what? I was going out tonight!
Richie:     What?
Eddie:      Yeah, I was going out with my real friends.
Richie:     Well, well they can come too. So long as they bring a bottle
            and don't steal all my birds.
Eddie:      Well who on earth's coming to this party?
Richie:     Well, I don't know. Twenty or thirty of my close chums.
Eddie:      Who's confirmed?
Richie:     Oh Eddie, you're so old-fashioned, ha ha. Nobody confirms
            invites these days. They just, sort of, turn up when they feel
            like it. It's a very informal, easy-going sort of arrangement,
            I very much approve. It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me.
Eddie:      So no-one's confirmed.
Richie:     That's right. No-one. 'S great.
Eddie:      Hmm.
Richie:     Oh! By the way, Eddie! Ah-hha-hha-hha-hhhha-hha!

[Richie thrusts his hand out towards Eddie.]

Eddie:      What are you doing now?
Richie:     [quietly]  Happy birthday to me...
Eddie:      Hah! I see. Ha-ha ha. Happy Birthday Richie.

[Eddie takes a small package from his pocket and hands it to Richie.]

Richie:     Oh Eddie, you shouldn't have! You know I don't like anyone to
            make a fuss of my birthday! It's a bit small, isn't it? Is this
            how much you value our relationship? Bu-- oh well, what the
            hell, I may as well be nice about it. Hah. Ooh, I wonder what
            it is? Ooh-hoo-ho, oohh it's a comb! It's my comb. It's my comb
            that I lost last week.
Eddie:      And now I'm giving it back to you! Happy Birthday!
Richie:     Look, this isn't some sort of joke you know. This is my
            birthday. You take this wrapping paper and you get me something
            good, or else.
Eddie:      All right. All right.

[He picks something up, wraps it quickly and hands it over.]

Eddie:      Happy Birthday!
Richie:     Ooh-hoo-hoo, that's a bit more like it, that's bigger isn't it?
            Ooh, I wonder what it is, I wonder what it is... It's, it's the
            remote control from the television set.
Eddie:      That's right. What d'you want to watch, Birthday Boy?
Richie:     Right. That's it Eddie, this time you have really overstepped
            the mark. It's a fight.
Eddie:      Hang on, hang on hang on hang on. I've got your real present
            here.
Richie:     It's a piece of paper. It is a small piece of paper.
Eddie:      Read it.
Richie:     "Madame Swish, three-thirty." Oh! Eddie! You haven't? Oh, what
            a pal you are. "Madame Swish". Ooh-err! Hohh, God, at last I'm
            really going to do it. And on my birthday as well! Ohhhggh, I
            wonder what she's like?
Eddie:      She's a dead cert mate, a real stayer.
Richie:     Really?
Eddie:      Yeah, she'll come first.
Richie:     What, before me? Good grief, that's quick. So she'll think I'm
            great! Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for?
Eddie:      Um, not exactly, I need a tenner.
Richie:     A tenner. Right. That's quite cheap, isn't it?
Eddie:      Er, well, no, in that case it's a tenner each way.
Richie:     Well, how many ways are there?
Eddie:      Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you?
Richie:     Well how many people are going to be there?
Eddie:      Well, a few thousand.
Richie:     What?
Eddie:      Well it's Kempton.
Richie:     Kempton? I can't get down to Kempton by three-thirty!
Eddie:      You don't have to mate, it'll be on the telly!
Richie:     They're going to televise it? Well what if my auntie's
            watching?
Eddie:      Well what's illegal about betting on a horse?
Richie:     A horse?
Eddie:      Yeah.
Richie:     Madame Swish is, is, is a horse?
Eddie:      Yeah! Well what did you think it was?
Richie:     Oh no, nothing, nothing. Just checking.
Eddie:      I have given you a red hot tip.
Richie:     I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there!
Eddie:      That horse is an absolute cert mate, it's a fantastic birthday
            present.
Richie:     All right, I'm sorry Eddie, I'm sorry. I was just, just being
            silly. Well, how much should I put on it?
Eddie:      Give us twenty quid and I'll see what I can do.
Richie:     Okay. There you are old mate.
Eddie:      Thanks mate! Happy Birthday!

[Eddie rushes out clutching the money.]


Scene 2. The Flat, Later.
-------------------------

[Richie is on a ladder hanging up decorations. He is singing to himself.]

Richie:     Happy birthday to me, da da da,
            Hap-py birthday,
            Happy birthday to you,
            Happy birthday...

[He looks up the skirt of the fairy he is holding.]

Richie:     Happy birthday to me.

[Eddie comes barging in through the door, almost knocking Richie off his
ladder.]

Richie:     Ooh, careful Eddie! Well, did we win?
Eddie:      Nope, we lost.
Richie:     Damn!
Eddie:      Only joking.
Richie:     You mean we won?
Eddie:      Yep indeedy-do!
Richie:     Fan-tastic! I knew I was great. What were the odds?
Eddie:      Ten to one.
Richie:     Ten to one! Ooh! Is that good?
Eddie:      Well, ah, you gave me ten, didn't you?
Richie:     Yeah.
Eddie:      So, you get one. Ten... to one.

[Richie leans down and takes the coin from Eddie.]

Richie:     Brilliant! What a fantastic birthday present. Here, hang on,
            hang o-o-o-on! I gave you two tenners.
Eddie:      Ah, ha ha ha ha. Caught me out eh?
Richie:     Yeah, you don't get much past old Richie!
Eddie:      Yeah, you're right there!  [grinning, tucks a wad of notes into
            his jacket pocket]  Here's your other quid.
Richie:     Great! Two quid, I knew today was my lucky day! Toss it over.
            Huh, huh...

[Richie grabs for the money and falls off the ladder.]

Richie:     Ow, oh God, oh... Shit, what's that doing there? Huh, Eddie,
            Eddie! Awww! Eddie, my legs pointing the wrong way!
Eddie:      Well point it the right way!
Richie:     Owww! Hw-awww! I can't!
Eddie:      Hang on, I'll give you a hand.

[Eddie tries to push Richie's leg back into position, with terrible
crunching noises.]

Richie:     Eddie, no!
Eddie:      Hang on, I'll try from a different angle.
Richie:     Okay... Haaaaghh!
Eddie:      It's no good, it won't budge.
Richie:     Get the ambulance!
Eddie:      We haven't got an ambulance. No, we don't need one because I've
            just had a fantastic idea.
Richie:     Oh God, oh God, oh God, I'll never walk again. I'll never play
            tennis. You'll have to carry me to the toilet. Hoorgh! You'll
            see my knob!

[Eddie ties a rope between Richie's leg and the open door.]

Eddie:      Now, just relax, because you might feel a moment's discomfort.
Richie:     Okay.

[Eddie slams the door. Richie is dragged across the room and bangs his head
on the door. A decoration above falls and smashes on his head. Cut to a
view of an ambulance's flashing blue light.]


Scene 3. The Flat, Later.
-------------------------

[Eddie pushes Richie into the flat in a wheelchair. Richie's leg is in
plaster.]

Richie:     Aargh! No, no! Forwards, Eddie, stop, stop, stop! I'm stuck,
            I'm stuck! Right, I'm fine here, just leave it here, that's
            fine Eddie. No!

[Richie's plastered leg is stuck under the table. Eddie comes around and
pushes it down.]

Richie:     That's fine, that's fine. Hoh, God, thank God we're home. I
            couldn't believe that nurse -- all I said was "Hello, have you
            seen 'The Singing Detective'?" and she twatted me with a kidney
            dish! Right, what time is it?
Eddie:      It's, er, exactly thirty seconds to seven o'clock!
Richie:     Is it? Damn! I've got no time to put on my "Girl Bait"
            underpants! Right, give us a count-down of the final few
            seconds, old mate.
Eddie:      Okey-dokey. Five, four, three, two, one, zero.

[Eddie opens the door. There's no-one there.]

Richie:     Hiiiii--ahh. Right, well that's it, it's a disaster isn't it?
            Well, it's a simple equation, I haven't got any friends so I'm
            going to kill myself. Eddie, go upstairs and get the razor
            blades.
Eddie:      Right you are old mate. Er, what do you want, safety or non-
            safety?

[Eddie goes upstairs. There is a knock on the door.]

Richie:     Oh no! Hurrah! They're here at last, ah-ha, playing the old
            "I'm late" gag to the hilt. Huh, what great mates I've got.
            Wait, I'm coming, I'm coming! Had an accident, I'm not very
            quick. Don't go. Don't go away. Here I am! Ung, ung, ung, ungh
            -- welcome one and welcome all! ...Who on earth are you?
Spudgun:    Erm, sorry, we seem to have come to the wrong house.
Hedgehog:   We're looking for Chopper Hitler.
Richie:     "Chopper"? Is there something I don't know, Eddie?
Eddie:      'Allo boys, come on in!
Richie:     What?

[Eddie pushes Richie aside. His plastered leg crashes through a door.]

Eddie:      Never mind him, he's just waiting for his mates to turn up.
            Right, here we got then, here's the punch, get stuck in.
Spudgun:    Thanks Eddie. Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies.
Eddie:      I didn't know that.
Spudgun:    Yeah, she went on Tuesday. Ah, it's funnier in the pub.
Eddie:      You not having a drink?
Hedgehog:   Well, we haven't got time, have we, not if we're going to this
            party.
Eddie:      No, I'm afraid this is the party.
Hedgehog:   Ah!
Richie:     Excuse me. Excuse me! Could you put that down please? Just put
            that down.
Hedgehog:   Why, what's wrong with it?
Richie:     Never mind that. Could I have your names please?
Eddie:      Richie! These are my friends that you said I could invite.
            Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.
Richie:     Oh. Well. This is rather difficult for me because, you see,
            you've only really been half-invited. You're not on the "A"
            list. But, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay. But
            I'm afraid I can't really let you stay properly, so, er, I'm
            going to have to ask you to go and stand in that corner please.
            Go on, quicker. Right, now that's fine. Now stay there. If you
            want to go to the toilet put your hand up. I'm just going to go
            and see if anyone's come yet.
Spudgun:    I see they've put up a new "Give Way" sign at the junction
            then.
Eddie:      Yeah.
Richie:     Excuse me, d-d-d-d-d-dddhh! Could you just keep it down a bit
            please? Good grief!
Spudgun:    Yeah, they, er, painted the road markings to match, did you see
            that?
Eddie:      Oh I did, yeah.
Hedgehog:   Yeah, I did too.
Richie:     For Christ's sake! Can't you keep a lid on it for a moment? I
            can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door or not. There could
            be thousands of the all queuing up on the stairs by now, oh
            Christ! I suppose I'll just have to go and check. And no
            wandering into the middle of the room while I'm away.

[Spudgun puts up his hand just as Richie leaves.]

Spudgun:    Is he going to be a long time?
Eddie:      I'd do it in your glass mate.

[Spudgun turns away facing the corner. Richie calls down the stairs.]

Richie:     Hello? Is anyone coming?  [sighs]
            Happy birthday to me,
            Happy birthday to me,
            Happy birthday to me-e,
            Happy birthday to me.

[He sighs, almost crying, and then has an idea. He calls down the stairs.]

Richie:     I'm sorry, you can't come in, it distinctly said on the invite
            no jeans! And you, where's your bottle? Well you can't come in
            either then. And you twenty birds -- I told you no bikinis!
            Bugger off! In fact I've decided none of you can come in.
            That's right, all two thousand of you, bugger off! I've decided
            I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates.  [knocks on the
            door]  Yes? Well I don't care if you are Valerie Singleton in
            the nude, bugger off!

[Richie slams the door and walks back into the room. Spudgun is holding a
full glass.]

Eddie:      I think you should see a doctor, mate.
Richie:     Guys, guys! I have fixed it. Come on out of the corner -- I've
            fixed it so you don't have to stay there any more. I don't know
            if you overheard me at all or not, but I told everyone else to
            go away. Yeah, yeah, I did. I thought, you know, let's just
            have a nice little private party. Me, and Eddie, and his two
            great mates. I mean, we're the hard-core, aren't we? Come on,
            drinks all round. So, er, er, mate. Erm, tell me about this
            road sign -- sounds great!
Spudgun:    Is it all right to talk, Eddie?
Eddie:      Yeah.
Spudgun:    Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way".
            But, like, the thing is, the old one said "Give Way" as well,
            so there's no real difference, they're just the same. So, what
            I was saying was, why did they put up the new one? And I mean
            everything would have been just the same.

[Richie, nodding absently, suddenly notices Spudgun has finished talking.]

Richie:     Oh oh oh, ha ha ha ha ha haa! Fantastic, that's incredible!
            We're really the guys, aren't we? Hey, I know, let's all get
            completely drunk and play "Postman's Knock"! Where's that
            sherry?

[He picks up Spudgun's glass and drinks. He gets about half-way through
it.]

Richie:     It's a bit warm, isn't it?
Spudgun:    So, er, what's "Postman's Knock" then?
Richie:     Oh! Right. Well, well mate...

[Richie picks out something from between his teeth. Spudgun looks away
nervously.]

Richie:     What's your name again?
Spudgun:    Spudgun.
Richie:     Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun?
Spudgun:    Well, give me a potato and I'll show you why.
Eddie:      Don't Richie, you don't want to see that.
Richie:     Well, why do they call you Hedgehog?
Hedgehog:   Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.
Eddie:      Well, why don't we just move on eh? What are the rules of this
            fantastic "Postman's Knock"?
Richie:     Oh right, it's great! Right, all the birds sit round in a vast
            circle, right? Then I go out in the hall and one by one all the
            birds come out and snog me. Right, so we'll give that one a
            miss shall we? I know, what about "Sardines"?
Spudgun:    What about 'em?
Hedgehog:   Well they're a kind of fish, aren't they?
Richie:     Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haa, that's right, they are! Ah ha ha
            ha haa. We're all incredible, aren't we? Ha ha ha. What a great
            time we're having. No, but let's be sensible for a moment and
            sort out the rules. Right. "Sardines" is a game, right? One of
            us goes outside and hides and all the others have to come and
            look for him. But, when they find him, they hide with him. And,
            they snog with him... If they want to... Er, if they're a bird,
            right, which we're not. So we probably won't. Well, I don't
            know, give it a try... no, we won't give it a try. Okay, so,
            who wants to go and hide?  [puts his hand up]  Me! Ha ha,
            fooled you there! Right, close your eyes and off we go.  [to
            Hedgehog]  Close your eyes. Just stop peeking, will you! Look,
            I know we're great mates but you've got to do things properly.
            All right, okay, here goes.

[Richie wheels himself around the room trying to find somewhere to hide.]

Richie:     Ha, ungh, ungh, ungh, oh damn, ungh, no good. Um, um, ah, no...
            Eddie, Eddie, you've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the
            cupboard.
Eddie:      What?
Richie:     You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard. I
            can't get upstairs by myself.
Eddie:      I can't get you up the stairs on my own!
Richie:     Well, ask your great mates to help me.
Eddie:      Ah, right, we've got to take him upstairs and hide him in the
            cupboard.
Richie:     No no, don't tell them, don't tell them! Just tell them to keep
            their eyes closed, we're going somewhere secret.
Eddie:      Right. Um, you've got to keep your eyes closed because it's a
            secret that we're going to hide him in the cupboard. Okay?
            Right, let's go.

[Spudgun and Hedgehog drop their glasses and stagger blindly towards
Richie.]

Richie:     Keep your eyes closed!

[They carry Richie up the stairs in his wheelchair.]

Richie:     Careful, careful! Left a bit here. Steady guys. Keep your eyes
            closed. Eddie, keep your eyes closed. Come on, up we go, up we
            go. Come on, this is supposed to be fun! Okay. Oh careful, yes,
            keep your eyes closed, keep your eyes closed. Right, put me
            down. Good, right, this is going to be great. Wheel me
            backwards, backwards, backwards. Isn't it nice here in the
            cellar? Ha ha.

[They push him into the cupboard on the landing.]

Richie:     Right, now keep your eyes closed, run downstairs and count to
            ten before you start, okay? Ow!

[They close the cupboard doors on Richie's leg and stumble off downstairs.
Eddie falls over the banisters.]

Eddie:      Right! One,
All:        Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Eddie:      Right. Well that's us safe for a couple of hours. What d'you
            fancy lads?
Hedgehog:   Let's have a drink and watch the telly.
Spudgun:    Good idea.
Eddie:      Okey-dokey. Oh, great, look, it's "War and Peace"! And it's
            only just started.

[They settle down with cans of beer. Fade down. Fade up.]

Spudgun:    Oh, what a crap film. Knew it was going to end like that.
Hedgehog:   How d'you know that?
Spudgun:    I've seen it seventeen times.
Richie:     [in the cupboard]  Four hours twenty minutes! Fabulous! That
            must be a new "Sardines" record. Wait 'til Norris McWhirter
            hears about this!
Announcer:  Now on Open University, "Medieval Population Distribution
            Patterns in Lower Saxony."
Spudgun:    What did medieval people do before telly?
Hedgehog:   Well, they probably had their tea, didn't they?
Eddie:      No, before telly was invented.
Hedgehog:   Oh, they had cock-fights.
Spudgun:    No wonder they all got the plague.
Eddie:      That's Bernard Manning, isn't it?
Hedgehog:   No, that's Julia Somerville.
Eddie:      Ah yeah, you're right.
Hedgehog:   I've done it with her.
Eddie:      What, Julia Somerville?
Hedgehog:   Yeah.
Spudgun:    Done what?
Hedgehog:   Watched the news.

[Fade down. Fade up. The television is showing only static. Richie looks at
his watch.]

Richie:     Right, that's five hours up! Got to be in the "Guinness Book of
            Records" by now! Where on earth is everybody? I know I'm great
            at "Sardines" but this is ridiculous.

[Fade down. Fade up.]

Hedgehog:   That's it ain't it? That's our telly done for the night.
Eddie:      No, hang on, I've got me "Emmerdale Farm" compilation on video
            if you fancy it.
Hedgehog:   Not 'arf!
Eddie:      All right, I'll get the drinks in.
Richie:     [in the cupboard]  Ah-hh ah-hh ah-hh, ah-hh ah-hh ah-hh-hah-hh!

[Fade down... Fade up. Spudgun is spread out on the sofa asleep; Richie and
Hedgehog are sitting on the coffee-table, bottles in their hands, watching
"Emmerdale Farm".]

Eddie:      That's him, that's the one! Bastard! I hate him.
Hedgehog:   Who?
Eddie:      No, that one there! The extra. He never says anything, he just
            drinks all day! Look at him, look! He's gonna buy another
            drink!
Hedgehog:   Is that his own money?
Eddie:      No! No. They fill his pockets full of change, push him into the
            Woolpack, and shout "Go on mate! Drink as much as you like!"
            And then at closing time they give him a wage packet! Lucky
            bastard!
Richie:     [calling]  I'm in the cupboard.  [louder]  I'm in the cupboard!
Eddie:      Oh bugger. Sounds like he's rumbled our game.
Richie:     Hello-oo!
Hedgehog:   What a bastard.
Eddie:      Well don't you worry. He can't get down the steps without us.
Richie:     Yo-del-leidi-yoo-hoo -- aargh, arrg, whoarrgh! Oh, oh, oh --
            uh, uuh, Eddie, my other leg! Eddie!

[Richie is in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, his other leg sticking
upwards strangely. Eddie and Hedgehog look through the doorway at him.]

Eddie:      Here, Spudgun, come and have a look at this!
Richie:     Ahh, ahh, arhhh -- no, no no!
Spudgun:    Urrggh... urgggh... bluergghhh!

[Cut to a view of an ambulance's flashing light again.]


Scene 4. The Flat, Later.
-------------------------

[The flat is full of people, chatting and drinking. Music is playing in the
background. Eddie is telling a story.]

Eddie:      So, he fell off the ladder and broke his leg.  [everyone
            laughs]  And then he had a bit of a motoring accident down the
            stairs and broke his other leg!  [more laughter]  So I thought,
            well, we've got all this spare booze, why not have everyone
            round from the pub for a bit of a drink and a dance?
All:        Yeah!
Spudgun:    Here Eddie, do your impression again.
Eddie:      All right, pass us that mop mate.

[Eddie takes the head off the mop and puts it on his head.]

Eddie:      Right then. Obviously it'd be better with a lot of sweat.
            Right. "Oh, oh, why won't anybody ever have it off with me?
            Maybe it's because I'm a big fat ugly bastard with a
            microscopic penis."

[Richie comes in, both legs in plaster, in his wheelchair. Eddie takes the
mop off his head quickly.]

Eddie:      Hello Richie!
Richie:     What's going on here? Who are all these people?
Eddie:      Um, these are all your friends, Richie. They turned up!
Richie:     My friends? I don't know people like this.
Eddie:      Well all right, they're my friends. But it's still your party,
            no matter whose friends they are. Hey, everybody, the birthday
            boy's here! Hooray!

[General indifference.]

Eddie:      There you are, you see. Look how popular you are.
Richie:     Yeah, yeah! This is my birthday party, isn't it? It's a bloody
            brilliant one as well. Look, there must be a good, what, twelve
            people here. All right, let's get organised!

[Richie pulls the plug on the record-player. It grinds to a halt.]

Richie:     Right, everybody, shut up, shut up! I'm here at last! Hello!
            Right, now let's get things sorted out. I want all the boys on
            this side with my birthday present, and all the cracking birds
            on this side in an orderly queue ready to give me my big
            birthday kiss. All right? Come on, come on, look lively, you're
            supposed to be enjoying yourselves.
Man:        We were.
Richie:     Oh, you're the first one are you? Have you brought me a
            birthday present?
Man:        No.
Richie:     Ooh, you'll have to have a birthday forfeit then.
Man:        What do you mean, forfeit?
Richie:     This.

[Richie punches him in the face.]

Richie:     Don't mess with the party animal! Hi bird!  [to the man
            standing with her]  Get out, it's not your birthday.  [to the
            girl]  Want to come for a ride with me? Hey, I'll tell you
            what. I know it looks like it, but that's not my leg in there.

[The girl's companion advances threateningly towards Richie.]

Richie:     Ah, no no no no, you can't bash the birthday boy! Look at this.
            See that?

[He flicks the man in the crutch.]

Richie:     Right, everybody! Now I've decided what I'd like to do on my
            birthday is play... Birthday Charades! So all you birds, come
            on, get your blouses off! You're first, mate.
Girl:       Ooh! Get your filthy hands off me, get off, get off!
Eddie:      I think we should call the ambulance now, what do you reckon?
Man:        What on earth are you doing with my bird? Watch it!
Richie:     I was just trying to grab her -- who are you?
Man:        Who are you?
Richie:     Don't you know who I am?
Man:        No. Well, I mean you're obviously some sort of arsehole, aren't
            ya?
Richie:     I'll tell you who I am, mate. My name is Richard Richard, the
            birthday boy. And don't you ever forget it.
Man:        Right. You're the birthday boy are you?
Richie:     Yes.
Man:        Well maybe we should give you the bumps.
Richie:     Well yes, I think you jolly well should.
Man:        Shall we give him the bumps?
All:        Yeah!
Richie:     No!
All:        Come on, come on...
Richie:     No!
All:        One...
Eddie:      Happy Birthday Richie, break a leg!
Richie:     No, no -- hwooh, arrghh!

[Richie flies upward. His plaster shatters. The screen freezes on his face.
The credits roll.]


     Transcription James Kew <j.kew@ic.ac.uk>. Last revised July 1994.

       "Bottom -- The Scripts", a BBC book, contains full scripts to
     Series One, including many lines that were cut for transmission.
          Series One and Series Two are available on BBC videos.