Guilt

       The following exerpts were taken from a book entitled "Guilt Without
   Sex", written by Gina Collens and published by Price/Stern/Sloan Publishers
   Inc., Los Angeles - 1985.

   What is guilt? 

     Guilt is the need to say you're sorry when you had absolutely nothing to
   do with what happened in the first place.

     One out of four Americans feels guilty all the time.  Think of three of
   your closest friends.  If they seem OK, you're in trouble.

     We think the definitive example of guilt concerns the fellow who gets
   sick at the office.  Since the boss isn't around, a co-worker says, "Why
   don't you go home?"  So, he does.  He goes home, up to the bedroom, and
   finds the boss making love to his wife.  He sneaks out and rushes back to
   the office and grabs his friend, "Great advice you gave me.  I almost got
   caught."

          IT'S BETTER TO HAVE GUILT THAN NO NEUROSIS AT ALL ......

   You stay married to each other only because you feel guilty about keeping
 the wedding gifts.

   If you find less than three inches of toilet paper on the spool in a
 public rest room, you leave it alone and crawl to the next booth.

   You straighten up your apartment before the cleaning lady shows up.

   Guilt is always having to say you're sorry.

   You don't like where you work and you also feel guilty about using
 gasoline to get there.

                      GUILT WITHOUT SEX IS ....

   At a bullfight, you find yourself rooting for the bull.

   ... Helping her look for her canary when you've accidently put it down
 the garbage disposal.

   Guilt is tossing a slug in a Wishing Well.

   Your girlfriend is pregnant by somebody else - and you still apologize.

   You sew designer labels in your bargain basement clothes.

   You're sitting in a plastic chair applying for a job and the chair makes
 a peculiar human noise so you spend the rest of the interview squirming in
 the chair to make it do it again... and you can't.

   When you were a kid and they took you to see Peter Pan - you never
 clapped for Tinker Bell.

              ANYBODY CAN HAVE SEX...  FOR GUILT YOU NEED A MOTHER

   You're stuck in a crowded elevator and you're the only one who had garlic
 for lunch.

   You have a genuine leopard skin coat - and you wear it to a meeting of the
 Endangered Species Club.

   You send your kids to summer camp even though it's been closed for three
 years.

   You park your car in a space reserved for the handicapped and then pretend
 to limp away from the car.

   You tip at toll booths.

   ...Buying your kid a regular lollipop and leaving the cellophane on it and
 telling him/her its an all-day sucker.

              YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE UNDER THE QUILT TO ENJOY GUILT

   You see your dentist twice a year and his wife every chance you get.

   ... Feeding a bear in Yellowstone Park even though the sign says not to.

   You pull somebody up in a self-service elevator and you're so contrite you
 get off where they're going.

   Saying what you really think to someone who asks you what you really think.

   You call the tv cable repairman to come fix your tv picture and the man who
 walks up four flights of stairs just screws the plug in tighter.

   ... Telling a girl that you've got to go home to your wife when you're not
 married.

   ... Lying to a Girl Scout that you can't buy her cookies because you're a
 diabetic.

                  SEX IS ONLY TEMPORARY...  GUILT IS FOREVER !

   In a phone booth, you redeposit any extra coins that come back - before the
 Operator asks you to.

   At the race track you do everything you can to keep your friends from
 knowing that you won the Daily Double.

   You object violently to an ethnic joke and then repeat it to everyone you
 meet.

   Deep down inside you hate Disneyland.

   ... Teaching you dog to "stay" and then moving to South Dakota.

   The plants you've been talking to die and you're positive it way something
 you said.

   You're positive that your kid is flunking high school because you didn't
 buy that encyclopedia like the salesman wanted you to.

   You enjoy the sun in Palm Springs even though you're not recovering from TB

   Coughing in a theatre - right in the middle of a punch-line.

   Guilt is realizing that you shouldn't have told your shrink what you really
 think about your mother.

   You steal a pair of panty hose from your boyfriend.

   It's bringing a box of peanut brittle to a friend and then realizing she
 just got her first set of false teeth.

   Asking your husband to go out at night for pizza and ice cream, when you
 know you're not pregnant.

   Guilt is selling a parrot you bought from a sailor to a sweet little old
 lady.

   Guilt is cashing a two-party, out-of-state check in a supermarket.

   You have a dog in a "no pets" building so every time you run into the
 manager, you bark.

   After talking a cop out of a ticket, you immediately rush out and buy 4
 tickets to the policeman's ball.

   You left your pet rock out on the patio and it came down with a severe case
 of moss.

   If you lose weight you pad yourself before going to a Weight Watchers'
 meeting so the rest of the group won't feel bad.

   You buy caviar with food stamps.

   Telling your kids you never, never shoplifted when you were their age.

   You forgot to take a shower before you got into the Hydro Spa at the health
 club and you tell everyone, "I did.  Can I help it if I'm a fast dryer?"

   You worry all day at the office because you left your wife with only a half
 a tank of gas.

   Guilt is being on the 10 item line at the supermarket with a box of raisins
 and wondering if they'll count each raisin as a separate item.

   If you get an envelope with an uncancelled stamp, you drive over to the
 Post Office and turn it in.

   Guilt is making change for a quarter in the collection plate.

   You don't enjoy the chocolate mousse for dessert because the person next to
 you is on a diet.

   In a public john, you only wash your hands if there's somebody else around.

   Guilt is taking the last wooden hanger in the closet.

   Your portion of chocolate cake is twice as large as anybody else's.

   ... Letting your neighbor blame your five year old son for hitting a base-
 ball through his window.

   Guilt is playing fetch with your dog at the Grand Canyon.

   When you park next to a dinged up car, you leave a note saying, "It wasn't
 me that did it!"

   You ALWAYS point out the dents to the attendant before he parks your car.

   You go to a friend's birthday party and yours is the only gag gift.

   It's offering a cigarette to the guy next to you and it turns out to be the
 Surgeon General.

   ... Making your kids lie about their age at the movie theater, etc.

   Telling your wife you have a headache when you really want to watch Johnny
 Carson.

   Guilt is winning three bingo games in a row.

   You enjoy paying income tax, but you're afraid to tell anyone.

   It's putting your empty liquor bottles in your neighbor's garbage.

   Taking the phone off the hook when you're expecting your mother-in-law to
 call.

   Guilt is tearing off the label the reads "DO NOT REMOVE UNDER PENALTY OF
 LAW."

   Guilt is going through the jelly bean dish and leaving only the black ones.

   You borrow a friend's car for the weekend and you're too embarrassed to
 tell him that you got three parking tickets.

   After a bowl of your mother's chicken soup, your fever goes UP.

   Forgetting your wife's name when you introduce her.

   Having the service station attendant check the oil, water, battery, tire
 pressure, and ashtrays.. and then finding out your wife filled the gas tank
 just before she picked you up at work.

                           GUILT IS .....

   ... coming down with the flu the morning after a party that you and you
 boss both attended.

   Going to a wife swapping party when you're really a bachelor.

   In your heart you're glad that Robert Redford has moles.

   You have trouble starting your car when someone is waiting for your space.

   You can't do anything in the bathroom when people are waiting for you.

   You lied about the year of your birth to your astrologer.

   You forget the telephone number that Information just gave you and you're
 hesitant to call back for fear she'll recognize your voice.