Dum Jokes
80
Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: A teacher says "no chewing" and a train says "choo-choo"!
Q: What do you call a lion tamer who sticks his right arm down a lion's
throat?
A: Lefty!
Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed!
Q: What kind of quiz do you give to a criminal?
A: A con test!
Q: Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
A: They can't keep their trunks up!
Q: What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
A: Someone who likes to pitch tents!
Q: How do you cut through waves?
A: With a sea-saw!
Q: What has teeth but can't chew?
A: A zipper!
Q: If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?
A: Not if the clock struck first!
Q: What flowers do you wear all year long?
A: Tulips (two-lips)!
Q: What do cows give after an earthquake?
A: Milk shakes!
Q: When is a cowboy most like a pony?
A: When he is a little hoarse!
Q: Why do cowboys ride horses?
A: Because the horses are too heavy to carry!
Q: How many sides does a house have?
A: Two! The inside and the outside!
Q: Why did the man sleep under the oil tank?
A: So he would wake up oily in the morning!
Q: A giant had three tongues! How did he remove two of them?
A: He took off his shoes!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts!
Q: What's the difference between a Timex dealer and a prison gaurd?
A: One sells watches, one watches cells!
Q: Why does Dracula consider himself an artist?
A: He likes to draw blood!
Q: What game do ghost children like to play?
A: Peek-a-BOO!
Q: What do you call a short, sun-burned outlaw riding a horse?
A: Little Red Riding Hood!
Q: Why are men better with a beard than without?
A: FUR lots of reasons!
Q: What was the octopus couple's favorite song?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, (ad nauseum)
Q: Why are potatoes considered stupid?
A: At parties they always hang around with the dips!
Q: Where did the brontosaurus go for the summer months?
A: To the dino-shore!
Q: Why is a room full of married people really empty?
A: There isn't a single person in it!
Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
A: Because he wanted bear feet!
Q: What did one knife say to the other?
A: "My, YOU'RE looking sharp today!"
Q: What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse
James?
A: The ice cream cone would get licked!
Q: Why did the cowboy put a whistle in his ten-gallon hat?
A: So he could blow his top!
Q: What do you call Jesse James When he has the flu?
A: A sick shooter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a monster and an owl?
A: An animal that scares people and doesn't give a hoot!
Q: If 1 is love and 2 is hate, what are 3 and 4?
A: Seven!
Q: When do you use a shovel to eat?
A: When you really dig in!
Q: What's the best way to see flying saucers?
A: Trip the waiter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with an Egyptian mummy?
A: A flying Band-Aid!
Q: Who was the biggest monarch in history?
A: King Kong!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton ask his girlfriend to the dance?
A: He didn't have any guts!
Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
A: "I have a lot of problems!"
Q: Do rabbits use combs?
A: No, they use harebrushes!
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "I'll meet you at the corner!"
Q: What is a kangroo's favorite year?
A: Leap year!
Q: What's a good name for a straigh-back camel?
A: Humphrey! *Get it?*
Q: If a King sits on gold, who sits on silver?
A: The Lone Ranger!
Q: Why did the outlaw carry a bottle of glue when he robbed the
stagecoach?
A: So he could stick up the passengers!
Q: What does a train do when an outlaw chases it?
A: It makes tracks!
Q: Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?
A: So he could shoot off his mouth!
Q: What kind of figures do the most walking?
A: Roamin' numerals!
Q: What is the difference between the North and South Pole?
A: All the difference in the world!
Q: Guess who I saw today?
A: Everybody I looked at!
Q: Why is an engaged woman like a telephone?
A: Because they both have rings!
Q: Why was the mummy sent into the game as a pinch hitter?
A: With a mummy at bat, the game would be all wrapped up!
Q: What kind of horses frighten rangers?
A: Night Mares!
Q: Did you know Popeye was a sweet potato?
A: Well, he does say, "I Yam what I Yam"!
Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!
Q: Did you hear about the coach that flooded the gym?
A: He wanted to send in a sub!
Q: Why are birds poor?
A: Because money doesn't grow on trees!
Q: What drives a baseball batter crazy?
A: A pitcher that throws a screwball!
Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing ball team?
A: Because both are beaten!
Q: What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A: A Gongster!
Q: What do you call a lazy butcher?
A: A Meat-loafer!
Q: What is the first thing you put into a room?
A: Your feet!
Q: What is a sound sleeper?
A: Someone who snores!
Q: What does a cowboy say to his horse after a 100 mile ride?
A: Whoa!
Q: What part of a cowboy's outfit is the saddest?
A: His blue jeans!
Q: What is a monter's favorite necklace?
A: A choker!
Q: What kind of fur do you get from an outlaw?
A: As fur as you can get!
Q: What is the safest way to talk to an outlaw?
A: By long distance!
Q: What do you call an outlaw with cotton stuffed in his ears?
A: Anything you want! He can't hear you!
Q: Why do postmen carry letters?
A: Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves!
Q: How do you make friends with a computer?
A: Bit by bit!
Q: Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
A: A horse!
Q: Why is a toupee like a secret?
A: Because you keep it under your hat!
Q: Why are potatoes so afraid of Indians?
A: They don't want to get scalloped!
Q: What kind of music did the cowboy make when he threw a stone in the
Rio Grande?
A: Plunk rock!!!!!
Q: Why did the cowboy saddle up the phonograph record?
A: He wanted to be a disk jockey!
Q: What did the victim say when the outlaw stuffed a dirty piece of
cloth in his mouth?
A: That's an old gag!
Q: What was Billy the Kid's favorite subject in school?
A: Triggernometry!
Q: Who pulled the biggest holdup in history?
A: Atlas--he held up the whole world!
Q: What do you call an outlaw armed with four loaded revolvers?
A: Sir!
Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: A teacher says "no chewing" and a train says "choo-choo"!
Q: What do you call a lion tamer who sticks his right arm down a lion's
throat?
A: Lefty!
Q: What happens if you don't pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed!
Q: What kind of quiz do you give to a criminal?
A: A con test!
Q: Why aren't elephants allowed on beaches?
A: They can't keep their trunks up!
Q: What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a boy scout?
A: Someone who likes to pitch tents!
Q: How do you cut through waves?
A: With a sea-saw!
Q: What has teeth but can't chew?
A: A zipper!
Q: If a man smashed a clock, could he be accused of killing time?
A: Not if the clock struck first!
Q: What flowers do you wear all year long?
A: Tulips (two-lips)!
Q: What do cows give after an earthquake?
A: Milk shakes!
Q: When is a cowboy most like a pony?
A: When he is a little hoarse!
Q: Why do cowboys ride horses?
A: Because the horses are too heavy to carry!
Q: How many sides does a house have?
A: Two! The inside and the outside!
Q: Why did the man sleep under the oil tank?
A: So he would wake up oily in the morning!
Q: A giant had three tongues! How did he remove two of them?
A: He took off his shoes!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have any guts!
Q: What's the difference between a Timex dealer and a prison gaurd?
A: One sells watches, one watches cells!
Q: Why does Dracula consider himself an artist?
A: He likes to draw blood!
Q: What game do ghost children like to play?
A: Peek-a-BOO!
Q: What do you call a short, sun-burned outlaw riding a horse?
A: Little Red Riding Hood!
Q: Why are men better with a beard than without?
A: FUR lots of reasons!
Q: What was the octopus couple's favorite song?
A: I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, (ad nauseum)
Q: Why are potatoes considered stupid?
A: At parties they always hang around with the dips!
Q: Where did the brontosaurus go for the summer months?
A: To the dino-shore!
Q: Why is a room full of married people really empty?
A: There isn't a single person in it!
Q: Why didn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
A: Because he wanted bear feet!
Q: What did one knife say to the other?
A: "My, YOU'RE looking sharp today!"
Q: What would happen if an ice cream cone picked a fight with Jesse
James?
A: The ice cream cone would get licked!
Q: Why did the cowboy put a whistle in his ten-gallon hat?
A: So he could blow his top!
Q: What do you call Jesse James When he has the flu?
A: A sick shooter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a monster and an owl?
A: An animal that scares people and doesn't give a hoot!
Q: If 1 is love and 2 is hate, what are 3 and 4?
A: Seven!
Q: When do you use a shovel to eat?
A: When you really dig in!
Q: What's the best way to see flying saucers?
A: Trip the waiter!
Q: What do you get if you cross a vampire with an Egyptian mummy?
A: A flying Band-Aid!
Q: Who was the biggest monarch in history?
A: King Kong!
Q: Why didn't the skeleton ask his girlfriend to the dance?
A: He didn't have any guts!
Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
A: "I have a lot of problems!"
Q: Do rabbits use combs?
A: No, they use harebrushes!
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: "I'll meet you at the corner!"
Q: What is a kangroo's favorite year?
A: Leap year!
Q: What's a good name for a straigh-back camel?
A: Humphrey! *Get it?*
Q: If a King sits on gold, who sits on silver?
A: The Lone Ranger!
Q: Why did the outlaw carry a bottle of glue when he robbed the
stagecoach?
A: So he could stick up the passengers!
Q: What does a train do when an outlaw chases it?
A: It makes tracks!
Q: Why did the cowboy brush his teeth with gunpowder?
A: So he could shoot off his mouth!
Q: What kind of figures do the most walking?
A: Roamin' numerals!
Q: What is the difference between the North and South Pole?
A: All the difference in the world!
Q: Guess who I saw today?
A: Everybody I looked at!
Q: Why is an engaged woman like a telephone?
A: Because they both have rings!
Q: Why was the mummy sent into the game as a pinch hitter?
A: With a mummy at bat, the game would be all wrapped up!
Q: What kind of horses frighten rangers?
A: Night Mares!
Q: Did you know Popeye was a sweet potato?
A: Well, he does say, "I Yam what I Yam"!
Q: Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash?
A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump!
Q: Did you hear about the coach that flooded the gym?
A: He wanted to send in a sub!
Q: Why are birds poor?
A: Because money doesn't grow on trees!
Q: What drives a baseball batter crazy?
A: A pitcher that throws a screwball!
Q: Why is a scrambled egg like a losing ball team?
A: Because both are beaten!
Q: What do you get if you cross a big bell and an outlaw?
A: A Gongster!
Q: What do you call a lazy butcher?
A: A Meat-loafer!
Q: What is the first thing you put into a room?
A: Your feet!
Q: What is a sound sleeper?
A: Someone who snores!
Q: What does a cowboy say to his horse after a 100 mile ride?
A: Whoa!
Q: What part of a cowboy's outfit is the saddest?
A: His blue jeans!
Q: What is a monter's favorite necklace?
A: A choker!
Q: What kind of fur do you get from an outlaw?
A: As fur as you can get!
Q: What is the safest way to talk to an outlaw?
A: By long distance!
Q: What do you call an outlaw with cotton stuffed in his ears?
A: Anything you want! He can't hear you!
Q: Why do postmen carry letters?
A: Because the letters can't go anywhere by themselves!
Q: How do you make friends with a computer?
A: Bit by bit!
Q: Who always goes to bed with shoes on?
A: A horse!
Q: Why is a toupee like a secret?
A: Because you keep it under your hat!
Q: Why are potatoes so afraid of Indians?
A: They don't want to get scalloped!
Q: What kind of music did the cowboy make when he threw a stone in the
Rio Grande?
A: Plunk rock!!!!!
Q: Why did the cowboy saddle up the phonograph record?
A: He wanted to be a disk jockey!
Q: What did the victim say when the outlaw stuffed a dirty piece of
cloth in his mouth?
A: That's an old gag!
Q: What was Billy the Kid's favorite subject in school?
A: Triggernometry!
Q: Who pulled the biggest holdup in history?
A: Atlas--he held up the whole world!
Q: What do you call an outlaw armed with four loaded revolvers?
A: Sir!
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