Tolkien parody
From: rfd@po.CWRU.Edu (Richard F. Drushel)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien
Subject: Parody of Appendix A: The Lord of the Rings
Date: 2 Dec 1992 16:17:40 GMT
Message-ID: <1finj4INNfre@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Lines: 659
In the late 1960s, The Harvard Lampoon published a parody of
J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, entitled Bored of the
Rings. This parody was mostly clever, a little off-color for
my taste, but still a fabulously entertaining effort. Except
for the end. It's too abrupt! It suggests "Oops! Deadline
tomorrow! Wrap it up!" Amazingly, those marvelous Appendices,
a sure-fire source of humor, are untouched.
No longer! For my own amusement and that of a small circle of
friends, I have written an appropriate parody of Appendix A.
I have tried to write in the same style as Bored of the Rings,
with a few changes in names to suit my own sensibilities. I
have also tried to avoid anachronisms; hopefully there is nothing
which was not contemporary with the original parody. Those who
have seen this are quite entertained, and I hope you will be too.
Note on the spelling of names: Many of Tolkien's names have
diacritical marks over some of the vowels, like ' and ^.
Although the IBM extended ASCII character set is capable of
representing these, USENET is not. I have therefore adopted
the following convention: vowels with diacritics are shown as
two characters, the vowel first, then the diacritic. Thus
Lu'thien Tinu'viel, Adu^naic, etc.
*****************************************************************
APPENDIX: ANNALS OF THE KINGS AND RULERS OF LOWER MIDDLE EARTH
parody (c) 1990 by Richard F. Drushel
with apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien and The Harvard Lampoon
The legends, histories, and lore presented here in the
following Appendix have been extensively abridged from the
original sources, which include the Police Gazette of Twodor,
the Encyclopaedia Elvitica, and The Reader's Digest Condensed
History of Lower Middle Earth. Their principal purpose is to
illustrate the War of the Ring and its origins, to attempt to
fill up some of the many gaps in the main story, and to add to
the already considerable cost of this book. The ancient legends
of the First Age, in which Bimbo's chief interest lay, are almost
completely ignored, since they have little or nothing to do with
the War of the Ring, and are also largely obscene and
unprintable.
The First, or Sugar-Coated Age.
Feenamint was the greatest of the Auld Elves in arts and
lore, but was also the most stingy and unprincipled. He wrought
the Three Baubles, the Sillibilli, and filled them with maple-
sugar candy from the Two Trees, Lotsaluk and Telephon, that gave
tooth decay to the land of the Velour, Apathetic Guardians of the
World. The Baubles were coveted by Mortgage the Enema, who
repossessed them after Feenamint defaulted on his student loans,
and guarded them in his fell commercial bank of Thingamabob.
Against the will of the Velour and the advice of his tax lawyers,
Feenamint forsook the Blessed Realm and went into exile in Lower
Middle Earth, leading with him a great part of his people, many
of them co-signers of the bad loans and now themselves being
harassed by Mortgage's collection agencies; for in his pride he
purposed to recover the Baubles from Mortgage by force.
Thereafter followed the foolish war of the Auld Elves and the
Idioti against Thingamabob, in which they were all at last
utterly defeated and forced to declare bankruptcy. The Idioti
were three tribes of dim-witted Men who, after false promises of
wealth and treasure to be won, became allies of the Auld Elves
against the Enema.
There were three miscegenations of the Auld Elves and the
Idioti: Lu'theran and Boron, Tendril and Tumour, and Arwench and
Arrowroot. By the last the long-sundered branches of the Half-
Witted were reunited, and their respective genetic defects
combined.
Lu'theran Canaveral was the daughter of King Thimble
Greybobbin of Dramamine, but her mother was Mulligan of the
people of the Velour. Boron was the son of Boraxo of the First
Tribe of the Idioti. While Lu'theran distracted Mortgage with a
provocative fan-dance, Boron wrested a sillibill from his
Aluminium Crown. Though Boron and Lu'theran were jailed for
trespass and burglary, their daughter Wingding had in her
keeping the sillibill pending a grand jury hearing.
Tendril Collagenase was the daughter of Turnon, King of the
hidden city of Gonadotropin. Tumour was the son of Humour of the
House of Harbour, the Third Tribe of the Idioti and the most
reviled in the wars with Mortgage. Aileron the Ancient Mariner
was their son.
Aileron wedded Wingding, and absconding with the sillibill
passed the Blockade of the Blessed Realm and came to the
Uttermost West, and bribing the sweet-toothed Velour with the
sugary Bauble, obtained the help by which Mortgage and his
bankers were put out of business. Aileron, as an important
prosecution witness, was not permitted to return to Lower Middle
Earth until Mortgage should be brought to trial; but in the
meantime his ship bearing the sillibill was set to sail in the
heavens as a brilliant marquee, displaying cloying messages of
hope and salvation to the dwellers of Lower Middle Earth
oppressed by the Enema and his fell servants. The sillibilli
alone preserved the ancient flavour of the Two Trees of Valium
before Mortgage made them into matchsticks; but the other two
were eaten at the end of the First Age. Of these things, and
much other irrelevant tripe concerning Elves and Men, is told in
The Sillibillion.
The First, or Sugar-Coated Age, ended with the Great Court
Battle of Velour vs. Enema, in which the Lawyers of Valium broke
Thingamabob and overthrew Mortgage. The debts of Feenamint and
his kin were forgiven, and Mortgage was allowed to claim the
losses as exemptions on his income tax. In the heat of the
courtroom drama, the west-lands of Lower Middle Earth were laid
waste, and the Sea drowned Boloneyland for ever. Then, most of
the Auld Elves returned to the Uttermost West and dwelt in
welfare-state squalor within the sight of Valium, leaving the
duped Idioti to fend for themselves in the flood-ravaged mortal
lands.
The Second, or Brain-Damaged Age.
The sons of Aileron the Ancient Mariner were Elroy and
Orlon, the Paraplegi or Half-Witted. In them alone the line of
hapless chieftains of the Idioti was preserved; and after the
fall of Gilt-gonad, the dubious lineage of Auld-Elven Kings was
also in Lower Middle Earth only represented by their inbred
descendants.
At the end of the First Age, the Velour gave to the Half-
Witted an irrevocable choice to which kindred they would belong.
Orlon, greedily eyeing the immortality and smarts of the Auld
Elves, chose to be of Elven-kind, and thus became a master of
wisdom and interior decorating. To him therefore was granted
the same grace as those Auld Elves who were still stranded in
Lower Middle Earth: when at last fed up with mortal lands, they
could board an ocean liner at the Grey Harbours and take a
permanent vacation cruise around the tropical islands of Valium.
But to the children of Orlon a choice was also appointed: either
to come along on the cruise and keep their lecherous father away
from the tempting native Elf-maidens, or if they stayed behind,
to become mortal and be reduced to freak-show attractions and
fairy-tale fodder. For Orlon, it was obvious which of these
choices was fraught with sorrow.
Elroy chose to be of Man-kind and remain with the Idioti;
he was not called Half-Witted for nothing. But a mediocre
intelligence quotient was granted to him, many times that of
lesser Idioti, though not very great compared to lesser Elves,
Dwarves, or Blowfish.
As a reward to the innocent inhabitants of Lower Middle
Earth, who suffered greatly in the war against Mortgage, the
Velour, Apathetic Guardians of the World, granted to the Idioti a
land to dwell in, far removed from everywhere, so that their
stupidities would trouble others no more. Most of the Idioti,
therefore, were gladly deported over Sea, and guided by the
Bouncing Ball of Aileron came to the great isle of Anomaly,
westernmost of mortal lands. There they founded the decadent
realm of Nevermo'r. But one command the Velour laid upon the
Nevermo'rians, the "Ban of Valium": they were forbidden to sail
west to attempt to set foot on the Enlightened Lands. For though
a meagre span of intellect had been granted to them, in the
beginning a third that of lesser Men, they must remain stupid,
since the Velour were not permitted to take from them the Gift of
Dullness (or the Doom of Men, as it was afterwards called).
Elroy was the first King of Nevermo'r, and was afterwards
known by the Auld-Elven name Tsar-Minotaur. His descendants were
mortal, weak-chinned, and feeble-minded. Later, when they
somehow managed to become powerful, they begrudged the choice of
their foolish forefather, desiring both the immortality and the
interior decorating skills of the Auld Elves, and murmuring
against the Ban. In this way began their petty rebellion, which
allowed them to fall under the spells of the evil Sorhed, and
brought about the Downfall of Nevermo'r, as is told in The
Aromabre^th.
These are the names of the Kings and Queens of Nevermo'r:
Elroy Tsar-Minotaur, Tsar-Vacu'um, Tsar-Almond-di'ng, Tsar-Enema,
Tsar-Magnavox, Tsar-Alimo'ny, Tsarina-Ankylosaurus (the first
Queen), Tsar-Anomaly, Tsar-Su'dafed, Tsarina-Telephon (the second
Queen), Tsar-Minastroney, Tsar-Carryout, Tsar-Maniac the
Grotesque, Tsar-Telemetry, Tsarina-Vani'lla (the third Queen),
Tsar-Anacin, Tsar-Calamine. After Calamine the Kings took
sceptre in names in the Nevermo'rian tongue: Czar-Medu^lla
Oblongat, Czar-Zo^mbie, Czar-Saltpo^rk, Czar-Gu^mball, Czar-
Insu^lin. Insu^lin repented of the ways of the Kings and changed
his name to Tsar-Planetteer, "The Wishful Thinker." His daughter
should have been the fourth Queen, Tsarina-Mu'riel, but the
King's nephew usurped the sceptre and became Czar-Pholdero^l the
Gorgon, last King of the Nevermo'rians.
The realm of Nevermo'r miraculously endured to the end of
the Second Age; and until half the Age had passed, the
Nevermo'rians were slothful and content. The first sign of the
shadow that was to fall upon them appeared in the days of Tsar-
Minastroney, the eleventh King. It was he who sent a great force
of cannon-fodder to the aid of Gilt-gonad, last heir of the Kings
of Feenamint's exiled kin, against the armies of Sorhed. He
envied the Auld Elves, their immortality, their ability to count
without using their fingers, their lavish and tastefully-
decorated bungalows. Moreover, after Tsar-Minastroney the Kings
became greedy of wealth and power. At first, the Nevermo'rians
had come to Lower Middle Earth for remedial reading lessons from
lesser Men afflicted by Sorhed; but now their havens became
think-tanks, holding many bright brains in subjection. Tsar-
Maniac the fifteenth King and his successors levied heavy
tribute, and the barges of the Nevermo'rians returned laden with
almanacs and encyclopaedias.
It was Tsar-Maniac who was first demented enough to speak
openly against the Ban, declaring that the intelligence of the
Auld Elves was his by right. The shadow deepened, and the fear
of eternal illiteracy darkened the already-dim minds of the
people. The Nevermo'rians became divided: the Kings and their
minions who were blacklisted by the Auld Elves and the Velour,
and those few truly unfortunates who called themselves the
Faithful. They lived mostly in the reform schools and insane
asylums in the west of the land. The Kings, their mental sparks
waning like dead fireflies, little by little became incapable of
speaking the Elvish tongue, and at last, in desperation, the
twentieth King took his royal name in Nevermo'rian form, calling
himself Czar-Medu^lla Oblongat, "Lord of the Brain-Stem." This
seemed ill-omened to the Faithful, for hitherto they had given
that title only to one of the Velour, or to their electroshock
therapists. And indeed Czar-Medu^lla Oblongat began to persecute
the Faithful, lobotomising and sterilising those who spoke
Elvish, Algebra, or any other language they could not understand;
and the Auld Elves, reading the writing on the wall, severed all
diplomatic ties, closed their embassies, and withdrew all their
ambassadors from Nevermo'r.
Though these were the dark years for the Idioti of
Nevermo'r, the rest of the peoples of Lower Middle Earth
meanwhile were pretty well off, freed for the time being from the
blunderings of the Idioti. In the beginning of the Age, many of
the Auld Elves still remained, stranded by the breaking of
Boloneyland in the overthrow of Mortgage; though after the
building of the Grey Harbours and the rise of Sorhed, they
accepted the pardoning of their debts by the Velour, and retired
by the boatload to the tropical isles of Valium. At Limburg
dwelt Gilt-gonad, who was acknowledged as the High King and Chief
Interior Decorator of the Elves of the West. In Lornadoon dwelt
Cellophane, disinherited kinsman of Thimble Greybobbin; his
concubine was Gladwrapiel, sleaziest of Elven-women.
Later some of the Elves went to Oregano, near to the paper-
bag factories and Tupperware mills at the West-Gate of Andrea
Doria. This they did because they learned that the Dwarves had
discovered styrofoam in the mines of Nikon-zoom, valued beyond
price for making goblets, ice coolers, and thermal underwear.
The queer friendship that grew up between the Dwarves of Doria
and the Elven-smiths of Oregano was the closest that has ever
been tolerated between the two belligerent races. Carashingbor
was the inscrutable lord of Oregano and the most incompetent of
their so-called craftsmen; a scandalous rumour had it that he was
descended from Feenamint, though the horrified family of the
latter and their lawyers strenuously denied it. It was
Carashingbor who brutally wrested the secret of making magic
rings from the Dwarves; and without regard to patent rights he
forged the Twenty-One Rings of Power, including the Great One
which Sorhed stole, and which later caused such weeping and
gnashing of teeth in the lands of Lower Middle Earth.
The tyrannies of the Nevermo'rians nonetheless continued to
increase; but their minimal wits lessened even more as their fear
of death and nursing homes grew. Tsar-Planetteer attempted to
amend the evil; but it was too late, and there were Social
Security riots and Grey Panther rebellions in Nevermo'r. When he
died, his demented nephew, a well-known rabble-rouser and card-
carrying Elf-hater, seized the Golden Rattle that was the sceptre
of Nevermo'r, and became King Czar-Pholdero^l the Gorgon.
Czar-Pholdero^l was the stupidest and most dull of all the
Kings; yet no less than all the knowledge in the world was his
desire. He had the gall to challenge Sorhed the Great for the
supremacy in Lower Middle Earth, and at length he himself set
sail with a great navy of rowboats, log rafts, and inner tubes;
and suffering great losses on the trip he washed ashore at
Lumbar. So pitiful was the might and armament of the puny
Nevermo'rian flotilla that most of Sorhed's own servants died
laughing; and with great effort Sorhed humbled himself,
pretending to be afraid of the squeaking Nevermo'rian rubber
duckies, and craving pardon. Then Czar-Pholdero^l in the
deficiency of his grey matter carried the evil schemer back to
Nevermo'r; and soon Sorhed had bewitched the King and was running
the country himself. All but the small remnant of the Faithful,
still in their padded cells, did Sorhed turn back towards the
darkness.
At length, Czar-Pholdero^l felt the waning of his days, and
was besotted by the fear of death and constipation. And Sorhed
lied to the idiotic King, declaring that everlasting life and
regularity would belong to he who possessed the Enlightened
Lands, and that the Ban was imposed only so that the Velour could
monopolise the lucrative laxative market. Feeling the
sluggishness of his bowels, he mustered again his armada and set
sail westward, breaking the Ban of Valium, going up with war to
wrest knowledge and well-formed stools from the Apathetic
Guardians of the West. But when Czar-Pholdero^l's Royal Seahorse
floated onto the oil-slicked shores of Valium, the Velour
panicked and called upon the U.N. for aid against the imperialist
invaders. After an emergency meeting of the Security Council,
peacekeeping forces were sent to secure the beaches, and the
world was changed. A fell mushroom-shaped cloud appeared where
Nevermo'r once lay, and the borders of Valium were closed forever
to all immigrants. So ended the folly of Nevermo'r.
The last leaders of the Faithful, Barbisol and his son
Beltelephon, were luckily on weekend leave from the psychiatric
ward when Czar-Pholdero^l's fleet sailed west, and they escaped
the Downfall in nine lifeboats, bearing the Seven Magic Wishing
Balls or planetteeri, gifts of the Auld Elves to their pathetic
house. Miraculously they survived the fallout cloud and came to
the shores of Lower Middle Earth, where they founded the
Nevermo'rian realm in exile, Twodor, and the great cities of
Minas Troney, Omigoshgolli, and Chikken Noodul, not far from the
confines of Fordor. For in their defective wisdom, they thought
that Sorhed too had been destroyed in the Downfall.
But it was not so. Sorhed was indeed at Ground Zero when
the Big Bang hit Nevermo'r; but his cunningly-wrought underground
bomb shelter survived the strike, though severe radiation burns
resulted in horrible disfigurement that numerous rounds of
plastic surgery could not repair. He fled back to Fordor and
reentered his fortress of Barnyard-do^r, black and hideous. But
his anger was great when he learned that Barbisol, whom he hated
even more than wobbly dentures, was brazenly founding a new
country on his territory.
Therefore, without careful planning, Sorhed made war upon
the Exiles, hoping to scramble the eggs before the chicks could
hatch, as it were. The Zazu Pits once more belched forth
carcinogenic vapours, and telephones rang endlessly at the
Barnyard-do^r. But Sorhed struck too soon, before his own empire
was rebuilt, whereas the power of Gilt-gonad, thanks to many
Elven-Rings, had increased during his absence in Nevermo'r. In
the War-To-End-All-Wars-Until-The-Next-One, Sorhed was overthrown
by the Last Alliance of Elves and Men. At the Battle of
Bryllopad, Sorhed was relieved of the One Ring he had stolen from
the Elves, though in the taking both Gilt-gonad and Barbisol were
slain, and the Ring was accidentally dropped into the River
Anacin and lost. Bereft of the Ring and almost powerless, Sorhed
and his Nine Nozdru^l slipped away through the Ngaio Marsh and
hid in the ruins of Barnyard-do^r, which the Alliance had
levelled. While Lower Middle Earth then had peace for a long
while, Sorhed's malice was only subdued, and his revenge only
postponed. So ended the Second, or Brain-Damaged Age.
The Third, Or Sheet-Metal Age.
These were the fading years of the Auld Elves. For long
they were at peace, wielding their Magic Rings while Sorhed's
power was broken and the One Ring was lost; but in their torpor
they attempted nothing new, content to reread yesterday's
newspapers, dress in last year's fashions, and otherwise dwell in
the past. As part of a "Keep Lower Middle Earth Beautiful"
public service campaign, the Dwarves hid their hulking,
humpbacked selves in deep places, guarding their hoards of
machine bolts and cotter pins; but when evil began to stir again,
and the Dragons reappeared, one by one their ancient parts
inventories were plundered, their munitions factories closed, and
they became an unemployed people. The Mines of Doria long
remained secure behind impregnable styrofoam Gates, but long
exposure to asbestos and coal dust took its toll on the Dwarves,
and their numbers dwindled until many of its vast work-houses and
debtors' prisons became dark and empty. Surprisingly, both the
wisdom and the life-span of the Nevermo'rians increased as they
became mongrelised with lesser Men. Barbisol's descendants went
about the business of organising the realm of Twodor, and as
their wits slowly improved, they had fair success.
These are the names of the Kings of Twodor: Barbisol the
Buck-Toothed, Beltelephon the Senile, Nabisco the Incompetent,
Melonhed, Cementru'k, Aileron the Inverted, Analog, Oscarmayer,
Ro'mancandil I, Tu'rnabout, Anteater I, Saldati, Tarantella,
E'arwax I, Carryout, Hormo'ndocil the Eunuch. Hormo'ndocil was
the first childless King, and was succeeded by his brother,
Anteater II the Glutttonous. Nembutal I, Cholera, Ro'mancandil
II, Volksicar, Edselcar, Castrati the Unsavoury. He was the
second childless King, and was succeeded by his brother's son,
Dilidali. Hormo'ndocil II, Minnihaha, Telegraf, To'ronto,
Telegenic Lumbago, Nembutal II, Calamiti, Underhand, E'arwax II.
He and his children perished in the Spotted Plague, and was
succeeded by his cousin, Chlorinol. Chloride, Chlorox,
Chloroplast the Green, who died mysteriously. Here the line of
the Kings was interrupted, with the disappearance of
Chloroplast's son, Aeroplane, and the Stewardship of Twodor
began, until an heir of Aeroplane should return.
These are the names of the Ruling Stewards of Twodor:
Paraffin the Climber, Parego'ric, Hrududu, Barlico'rn the Sodden,
Hu'mid I, Tu'mid I, Harbour, Boraxo, Dudu, Benelux I, Carrion.
In his time the Roi-Tanners swore oaths of fealty and non-
aggression to Twodor. Hedless, Hu'mid II, Blaggard I,
Orridbreth, Electrolux I, Gypsimoth, Boron, Barelgut, Blaggard
II, Tho'rninside, Tu'mid II, Turnon, Electrolux II the Piker,
Benelux II the Booby, last of the Ruling Stewards. After his
suspicious "suicide", his son Farahslax would have succeeded him,
but Farahslax died of complications from a head-bump received in
the War of the Ring. After the coronation of King Arrowroot, the
office of Steward was discontinued.
These are the names of the Ranger Chieftains in Northern
Exile at Ribroast: Aeroplane, Aerodro'me, Aerodyne, Aeroflot,
Arglebargle I, Arrowroot I, Arrowfrog, Arglebargle II, Arrowshirt
I, Arrolflynn, Ardi-ar-ar, Armina'vi, Arlida'vison, Arrowhed,
Arrowshirt II, Arrowroot II, True King of Twodor and Heir of
Barbisol, restored.
When maybe a thousand years had passed, give or take a
millenium, and the first chestnut blight had fallen on Plywood
the Great, the Suzuki or Wizards appeared in Lower Middle Earth.
It was afterwards alleged that they came out of the Uttermost
West, deported for unspecified high crimes and misdemeanours
against the Velour (believed to be embezzlement of Elvish income
tax revenues), and condemned to contest the growing power of
Sorhed, and to find any who had enough intestinal fortitude to
resist him; but they were forbidden to match his power with
thermonuclear weapons, or to join forces with him in squashing
hapless Elves and Men.
Appropriately, they came in the shape of Men, with the
general intellect of the Idioti. Though they were always old,
and grew more stupid and senile with each passing year, they had
command of many cunning devices of mayhem and mass destruction.
Their true names were accidentally discovered by only a few
(and these had a tendency to "disappear" soon after), but they
used such names as were given to them, when printable. The two
highest-ranking (both in stature and in smell) of the Magician's
Union (of whom it is said there were five, but should have been
six, and are now four, except in unpublished writings, in which
there are seven) were called by the Auld Elves Co'roner, "The
Laxative of Death", and Misanthro'p, "The Pinging Petrol", but by
Men in the North Serutan and Goodgulf. Co'roner journeyed often
into the East, where he secretly plotted with Sorhed, but came at
last to dwell in Isinglass, in the Nevermo'rian citadel of
Eisentower. There he established an amusement park and tourist
trap devoted to the idiotic cartoon character, Dickey Dragon; and
with the enormous profits from his merchandising of Dickey Dragon
paraphernalia, he began to muster a war-machine to rival that of
Sorhed in Fordor. Misanthro'p, however, meddled mostly in the
affairs of the Auld Elves and wandered aimlessly in the West,
repeatedly run out of town before he could make himself any
lasting abode.
Of the history of the One Ring of Sorhed during the first
part of the Third Age, little can be said for certain. At the
Battle of Bryllopad at the end of the Second Age, Barbisol the
Buck-Toothed and Gilt-gonad the Elven-King slew the foul mortal
form in which Sorhed's spirit walked, but at the cost of their
own lives. Aigotit, the plastic spear of Gilt-gonad, and
Nostril, the pearl-handled toadsticker of Barbisol, both broke
asunder when they smote Sorhed, and the sharp splinters embedded
themselves under Gilt-gonad's impeccably manicured nails, killing
him instantly. Himself mortally wounded by a mote in his eye,
Barbisol cut the Ring from Sorhed's black hand with the hilt-
shard of Nostril, and dying he fell with it into the fetid slime
of the River Anacin. Barbisol's body and the shards of Nostril
were recovered by Beltelephon the Senile his son, but the Ring
was lost in the murky waters; and Beltelephon, true to his
nickname, blithely gave no thought to dredging the river-bed.
For over two thousand years the Ring slept, perhaps under a rock,
perhaps in a fish's gullet, until a most remarkable chance
occurrence, the sort which has critical readers either screaming
deus ex machina the minute they lay eyes on it, or else selling
all their possessions and giving the proceeds to television
evangelists. One day two young brothers named Sme'agma and
De'ogma were walking along the River, looking for pop bottles
they could return for deposit. Suddenly, the water bubbled and
boiled, and a golden Ring leapt out of the River and flew right
into De'ogma's pocket. "What's that?" asked Sme'agma. "A
golden Ring," said De'ogma. "Happy Birthday," said Sme'agma.
"It's not my birthday today," said De'ogma. "O yes it is," said
Sme'agma, "and here's your present." Sme'agma grabbed his
brother by the throat and throttled him; he took the golden Ring
from De'ogma's pocket and threw his body into the River. After
this brutal murder, Sme'agma's family disowned him and sent him
into exile in the Mealy Mountains, where he holed up in a deep,
underground cavern beside a cold, black underground pond. As
the Ring worked its deadly power on him, he began to lisp,
making hideous nglmm! noises in his throat as he snarfed down raw
fish from the pond. The Ring became his Precious, and he became
Gotham; and long the two lay hidden in the evil darkness.
By the middle of the Third Age, that decadent people called
by the Elves hoipolloi, or in their own tongue Hoggits, had
completed its migration from the vales of Anacin across the
Papier-Mache' Mountains, and settling between the Gallowine and
the Sea they founded their own fetid little country,
appropriately called the Stye. At about this time, the evil
Slumlord of Borax appeared in the North-Lands of Lower Middle
Earth, and began to assail the Exiled Rangers and their paper
kingdom at Ribroast. The other peoples of Oleodor were content
to allow this as long as their own lands were spared; but when
hordes of Dorcs riding ravening Werewolves appeared in the Stye
and Oregano, their tune not surprisingly changed, and tens of
poorly-armed, ill-trained Hoggits and loudly-dressed Elves came
lumbering to the rescue. After the defeat of the Slumlord, who
was actually the Lord of the Nozdru^l in disguise, and the
dispersal of the remaining Rangers, the Hoggits withdrew from the
politics of the Age, until the events of the War of the Ring
dragged them out of their squalid holes and into the spotlight.
At about this time a fierce tribe of sheep-herding Men,
the Roi-Tanners, descended from the Papier-Mache' Mountains and
invaded the grassy plains between Isinglass and Twodor. Ever
seeking more pasture for their great merinos, and more lebensraum
(as they called it) for themselves, they began to assail outlying
Twodorian villages, pillaging towns and killing helpless women,
children, and National Guardsmen. Alarmed by this militant
expansionism, the tenth Ruling Steward of Twodor, Benelux I,
undertook negotiations with the invaders in an attempt to secure
the northern borders. After an historic summit hosted by Serutan
at Eisentower, Benelux returned with an agreement signed by
Varlet the Crafty, King of the Rubbermark, which the Steward
proclaimed as representing "peace in our time." Upon the death
of Benelux later that year, the Roi-Tanners crossed the treaty-
border with a blitz of mounted sheepmen armed with fell dustmops,
and relentlessly swept through Twodor unto the very Gates of
Minas Troney. It is said that Serutan had at first secretly
aided the Roi-Tanners in their efforts, greatly desiring the
overthrow of Twodor, which had refused him tax abatements during
the construction of his Dickey Dragon amusement park; but King
Varlet, his early success giving him delusions of grandeur,
unexpectedly sent part of his army to attack Isinglass itself,
and Serutan was wroth. As Minas Troney was about to fall,
Serutan intervened, and he gave Carrion son of Benelux a magic
weapon with which to defeat the Roi-Tanners. Standing on the
wall of the Seventh Level, Carrion pointed a gleaming tube into
the air, the name Anthrax graven in proud Elf-runes upon its
polished mahogany stock. A cloud of white smoke came from the
tube and settled upon the army of Roi-Tan. One by one, the
powerful black merinos upon which the Men of Roi-Tan rode gasped,
staggered, and collapsed to the earth; soon all had succumbed.
King Varlet was smothered under the weight and stench of his
dying steed, and the rest of the Roi-Tanners retreated in a rout.
Churl the Dumb, son of Varlet and now King of the Rubbermark,
returned bearing a white flag of truce, desiring peace and a
return to prewar borders; and before Carrion the Steward he swore
the famous Oath of Churl, pledging fealty to Twodor and promising
to never ever attack them again, "Cross my heart and hope to die,
lightning strike me if I lie." It is recorded that a severe
thunderstorm blew up a few hours later and immediately thereafter
Bozo son of Churl was crowned King.
These are the names of the Kings and Queens of Roi-Tan:
Churl the Dumb, Bozo the Clown, Alpo the Old Geezer, Fle'a the
Itchy, Fle'apowder, Goldbrik, De'orjamb, Kilogram, Heimie
Hammerhead. His sons Ho'mwork and Halitosis died in the Long
Hard Winter, and he was succeeded by Fre'aloader his sister's
son. Butthed the Loafer, Wallawalla, Flu'ke, Flu'kliver, Fungus,
Thingamabob, The'atre, E'orlobe. His daughter E'orache became
the first Queen and was wedded to King Arrowroot of Twodor, but
died mysteriously without children. E'orwax, son of E'ordrum,
E'orlobe's brother, succeeded to the throne of the Rubbermark.
It came to pass that, in the Middle of the Third Age,
Fergus Fewmet was again King of the Dwarves of Andrea Doria,
being the sixth of that infamous name since the First Age. The
power of Sorhed, servant of fell Mortgage, was growing again like
a malignant tumour in the world, and all manner of plagues and
evils were abroad, though the Dwarves blithely maintained that
everything was hunky-dory. The Dwarves delved deep at that time,
seeking beneath Bara^zinbred for styrofoam, the metal that was
yearly losing its value as the Elves of Oregano flooded the
market with cheap imitations imported from Fordor. One day,
while idly hammering away at the walls of a deep, dark shaft
(using their heads, not their hammers--a common form of Dwarvish
"entertainment"), they aroused from its beauty sleep a terror
that, fleeing from Thingamabob, had lain hidden at the
foundations of the earth since the victory of the Lawyers of
Valium: a Ballhog of Mortgage. Fergus VI was slam-dunked by it,
and the year after Nimrod I, his flat-headed (from too much
"entertainment") son. The glory of Doria passed, such as it was,
and its people were evicted and deported far away.
Most of those who were deported ended up in the North, and
Thro'bak I, Nimrod's son, came to Erbivor, the Ruminating
Mountain, near the eastern eaves of Plywood, and there became
King-Under-The-Mountain. In Erbivbor he found the great sheet-
metal jewel, the Arkenweld, Gall-Bladder of the Mountain, and he
and his folk prospered, envied by the Men who dwelt nearby at
Escargot-Upon-The-Puny-Pond. For they made not only things of
wonder and beauty, like refrigerators and filing cabinets, but
also weapons and armour of great worth: swords of sharpest
aluminium, helms of sturdiest plexiglas, jock straps of
gleamingest tinfoil. Thus the Dwarves lived in disgusting plenty
for many generations, free of Dorcs and Sorhed's income tax, and
there was gluttony and vice in Erbivor. Unfortunately, the
rumour of this wealth spread abroad and reached the avaricious
ears of the Dragons, including Smog the Carcinogenic, greatest
toxic waste dumper and environmental polluter of his day. Eager
to exploit the pristine lands for strip mining and low-rent
public housing developments, Smog without warning attacked the
King, Tho'rax great-grandson of Thro'bak. He descended on the
Mountain, spewing cyclamates, detergent phosphates, and DDT into
the Dwarves' water supplies. It was not long before the Dwarves
swelled up with tumours and all their realm was destroyed; but
Smog entered the Great Hall and lay there content upon a bed of
asbestos. From the sack of Erbivor many of Tho'rax's kin
escaped, having lived off secret hoards of organically-grown
vegetables, distilled water, and mega-doses of vitamin C; and
last of all from the halls by a secret laundry chute came crafty
old Tho'rax himself and his retarded son Thro'bak II. The
Dwarves wandered away south, poor and homeless, with only meagre
Social Security checks to sustain them.
The bitter loss of his kingdom darkened Tho'rax's thoughts
as he brooded over his anvil; for now the Dwarves turned to
blacksmithing to earn their bread (though it is said that a few
bright individuals who took up plumbing instead made a fortune on
the Roto-Rooter circuit). At last unable to endure his poverty,
the old King-In-Exile took it into his head to reopen the
styrofoam mines of Andrea Doria, and proposed to lead his people
thence. Remembering that the mines were now full of Dorcs, not
to mention the Ballhog (or "Fewmet's Foe" as it was whisperingly
known), the Dwarves refused to follow, all except Ne'rd, the
King's faithful jester and psychoanalyst. Undaunted by this vote
of no confidence, Tho'rax abdicated his throne to his son and
left with the sniveling Ne'rd, and when last seen the hapless
pair were on the highroad to the East-Gate of Doria. Several
weeks went by without any word; and then one day King Thro'bak
received a large package C.O.D., postmarked from Doria. Greedily
thinking it a birthday present from his departed father, he paid
the postage due and opened it, discovering rather that it WAS his
departed father, departed into several parts, as it were. But of
the jester there was no sign. After seven days of catatonic
silence, during which a stunned nation held tearful vigil,
Thro'bak II stood up, tore his beard, and spoke these famous
words: "Klaatu barada nikto!" which in the secret tongue of the
Dwarves means either "This cannot be borne!" or something
unprintable. But instead of going to war against the Dorcs of
Andrea Doria, a plan which had considerable popular support at
the time, the batty Thro'bak marched straight to Sorhed's nearby
embassy at Dol Barbie, and standing on the front steps demanded
compensation. A courteous secretary, four feet tall, dressed in
black leotards and bearing a striking resemblance to Ne'rd,
politely ushered the fuming King through the door; and of the
fate of Thro'bak II no tale tells.
Now Tho'rninside Oatenquaker son of Thro'bak became the
heir of Fergus Fewmet; but a King without a Kingdom is not indeed
a King, and Tho'rninside was an heir without hope. He led the
remnant of the Dwarves into Oleodor, and there they dug new mines
in the Airhed Looni, the Magenta Mountains. Of iron were most of
the things they forged in those days, though some were of paper,
but they prospered after a fashion, and both birthrate and per
capita income slowly increased. Now they had fair homes in the
mountains (nothing to brag about in Better Caves and Caverns, but
dry at least) and large inventories of fenders and trunk-lids,
but in their songs they spoke ever of the Ruminating Mountain.
It is elsewhere told in Valley of the Trolls how
Tho'rninside's chance meeting with Goodgulf Greyteeth led to the
Quest of Erbivor, at the end of which the exiled Dwarves (with
grudging help from the Elves of Plywood and the Men of Escargot)
slew Smog the Dragon and reestablished the Kingdom-Under-The-
Mountain. In this Quest, Tho'rninside Oatenquaker and many other
Dwarves were slain, and the Throne of Fergus Fewmet was claimed
by Tho'rninside's no-account cousin Dra'in from the Junkyard
Hills. Bimbo Bugger, a Hoggit of the Stye, was an unwilling
participant in this business; yet it was his blundering fortune
to recover Sorhed's One Ring from its hiding place in the Papier-
Mache' Mountains, making possible the much-heralded and soon-to-
be-a-TV-movie War of the Ring, in which Sorhed and the fell host
of Fordor were finally defeated, and evil purged at last from
Lower Middle Earth, or so they say.
After the fall of Sorhed, the remaining Auld Elves finally
decided that they had had enough of mortal lands, and they began
a great exodus to the Grey Harbours, with the purpose of taking
ship and leaving Lower Middle Earth for ever. With them went
Orlon Half-Witted, whose daughter Arwench decided to remain as
the concubine of King Arrowroot; the Lady Gladwrapiel, newly
divorced from Cellophane after her magic Birdbath revealed some
choice indiscretions with the milkman; and Goodgulf Greyteeth,
the statute of limitations on his Valiumnar transgressions having
run out. The Ring-Bearers, Bimbo and Frito Bugger, were also
permitted to take the one-way trip to the Uttermost West, even
though they were mortals. It is said that this grace was a
reward from the Velour for their service against Sorhed (though
it is recorded that several chests marked with the Elf-rune "$"
were presented by the Hoggits to Cardbo'rd the Ship-Worm, Captain
of the Harbours, before their departure). The host of Auld Elves
boarded the grey ocean liner, its name Lusitania proclaimed in
proud Elf-runes upon the pointed prow, and away it drifted,
vanishing into the West. With it went the last living memory,
feeble though it was, of the First Age in Lower Middle Earth, and
a merciful end was come to the dominion of the Auld Elves, though
the end was just beginning for the moronic descendants of the
Idioti. So ended the Third, or Sheet-Metal Age; and with it,
these tales come to their end.
--
Richard F. Drushel ****** Ph.D. in Developmental Biology as of 4:45 PM 9211.20
rfd@po.cwru.edu ** Cleveland FreeNet ** Co-Sysop, Coleco ADAM Forum ** Go Z80!
"The bright and blinding sunlight shines so hotly on the trash-heaps that mere
undigested food and snotty Kleenex flow as rivers of milk and honey." - c.5253
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tolkien
Subject: Parody of Appendix A: The Lord of the Rings
Date: 2 Dec 1992 16:17:40 GMT
Message-ID: <1finj4INNfre@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)
Lines: 659
In the late 1960s, The Harvard Lampoon published a parody of
J.R.R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings, entitled Bored of the
Rings. This parody was mostly clever, a little off-color for
my taste, but still a fabulously entertaining effort. Except
for the end. It's too abrupt! It suggests "Oops! Deadline
tomorrow! Wrap it up!" Amazingly, those marvelous Appendices,
a sure-fire source of humor, are untouched.
No longer! For my own amusement and that of a small circle of
friends, I have written an appropriate parody of Appendix A.
I have tried to write in the same style as Bored of the Rings,
with a few changes in names to suit my own sensibilities. I
have also tried to avoid anachronisms; hopefully there is nothing
which was not contemporary with the original parody. Those who
have seen this are quite entertained, and I hope you will be too.
Note on the spelling of names: Many of Tolkien's names have
diacritical marks over some of the vowels, like ' and ^.
Although the IBM extended ASCII character set is capable of
representing these, USENET is not. I have therefore adopted
the following convention: vowels with diacritics are shown as
two characters, the vowel first, then the diacritic. Thus
Lu'thien Tinu'viel, Adu^naic, etc.
*****************************************************************
APPENDIX: ANNALS OF THE KINGS AND RULERS OF LOWER MIDDLE EARTH
parody (c) 1990 by Richard F. Drushel
with apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien and The Harvard Lampoon
The legends, histories, and lore presented here in the
following Appendix have been extensively abridged from the
original sources, which include the Police Gazette of Twodor,
the Encyclopaedia Elvitica, and The Reader's Digest Condensed
History of Lower Middle Earth. Their principal purpose is to
illustrate the War of the Ring and its origins, to attempt to
fill up some of the many gaps in the main story, and to add to
the already considerable cost of this book. The ancient legends
of the First Age, in which Bimbo's chief interest lay, are almost
completely ignored, since they have little or nothing to do with
the War of the Ring, and are also largely obscene and
unprintable.
The First, or Sugar-Coated Age.
Feenamint was the greatest of the Auld Elves in arts and
lore, but was also the most stingy and unprincipled. He wrought
the Three Baubles, the Sillibilli, and filled them with maple-
sugar candy from the Two Trees, Lotsaluk and Telephon, that gave
tooth decay to the land of the Velour, Apathetic Guardians of the
World. The Baubles were coveted by Mortgage the Enema, who
repossessed them after Feenamint defaulted on his student loans,
and guarded them in his fell commercial bank of Thingamabob.
Against the will of the Velour and the advice of his tax lawyers,
Feenamint forsook the Blessed Realm and went into exile in Lower
Middle Earth, leading with him a great part of his people, many
of them co-signers of the bad loans and now themselves being
harassed by Mortgage's collection agencies; for in his pride he
purposed to recover the Baubles from Mortgage by force.
Thereafter followed the foolish war of the Auld Elves and the
Idioti against Thingamabob, in which they were all at last
utterly defeated and forced to declare bankruptcy. The Idioti
were three tribes of dim-witted Men who, after false promises of
wealth and treasure to be won, became allies of the Auld Elves
against the Enema.
There were three miscegenations of the Auld Elves and the
Idioti: Lu'theran and Boron, Tendril and Tumour, and Arwench and
Arrowroot. By the last the long-sundered branches of the Half-
Witted were reunited, and their respective genetic defects
combined.
Lu'theran Canaveral was the daughter of King Thimble
Greybobbin of Dramamine, but her mother was Mulligan of the
people of the Velour. Boron was the son of Boraxo of the First
Tribe of the Idioti. While Lu'theran distracted Mortgage with a
provocative fan-dance, Boron wrested a sillibill from his
Aluminium Crown. Though Boron and Lu'theran were jailed for
trespass and burglary, their daughter Wingding had in her
keeping the sillibill pending a grand jury hearing.
Tendril Collagenase was the daughter of Turnon, King of the
hidden city of Gonadotropin. Tumour was the son of Humour of the
House of Harbour, the Third Tribe of the Idioti and the most
reviled in the wars with Mortgage. Aileron the Ancient Mariner
was their son.
Aileron wedded Wingding, and absconding with the sillibill
passed the Blockade of the Blessed Realm and came to the
Uttermost West, and bribing the sweet-toothed Velour with the
sugary Bauble, obtained the help by which Mortgage and his
bankers were put out of business. Aileron, as an important
prosecution witness, was not permitted to return to Lower Middle
Earth until Mortgage should be brought to trial; but in the
meantime his ship bearing the sillibill was set to sail in the
heavens as a brilliant marquee, displaying cloying messages of
hope and salvation to the dwellers of Lower Middle Earth
oppressed by the Enema and his fell servants. The sillibilli
alone preserved the ancient flavour of the Two Trees of Valium
before Mortgage made them into matchsticks; but the other two
were eaten at the end of the First Age. Of these things, and
much other irrelevant tripe concerning Elves and Men, is told in
The Sillibillion.
The First, or Sugar-Coated Age, ended with the Great Court
Battle of Velour vs. Enema, in which the Lawyers of Valium broke
Thingamabob and overthrew Mortgage. The debts of Feenamint and
his kin were forgiven, and Mortgage was allowed to claim the
losses as exemptions on his income tax. In the heat of the
courtroom drama, the west-lands of Lower Middle Earth were laid
waste, and the Sea drowned Boloneyland for ever. Then, most of
the Auld Elves returned to the Uttermost West and dwelt in
welfare-state squalor within the sight of Valium, leaving the
duped Idioti to fend for themselves in the flood-ravaged mortal
lands.
The Second, or Brain-Damaged Age.
The sons of Aileron the Ancient Mariner were Elroy and
Orlon, the Paraplegi or Half-Witted. In them alone the line of
hapless chieftains of the Idioti was preserved; and after the
fall of Gilt-gonad, the dubious lineage of Auld-Elven Kings was
also in Lower Middle Earth only represented by their inbred
descendants.
At the end of the First Age, the Velour gave to the Half-
Witted an irrevocable choice to which kindred they would belong.
Orlon, greedily eyeing the immortality and smarts of the Auld
Elves, chose to be of Elven-kind, and thus became a master of
wisdom and interior decorating. To him therefore was granted
the same grace as those Auld Elves who were still stranded in
Lower Middle Earth: when at last fed up with mortal lands, they
could board an ocean liner at the Grey Harbours and take a
permanent vacation cruise around the tropical islands of Valium.
But to the children of Orlon a choice was also appointed: either
to come along on the cruise and keep their lecherous father away
from the tempting native Elf-maidens, or if they stayed behind,
to become mortal and be reduced to freak-show attractions and
fairy-tale fodder. For Orlon, it was obvious which of these
choices was fraught with sorrow.
Elroy chose to be of Man-kind and remain with the Idioti;
he was not called Half-Witted for nothing. But a mediocre
intelligence quotient was granted to him, many times that of
lesser Idioti, though not very great compared to lesser Elves,
Dwarves, or Blowfish.
As a reward to the innocent inhabitants of Lower Middle
Earth, who suffered greatly in the war against Mortgage, the
Velour, Apathetic Guardians of the World, granted to the Idioti a
land to dwell in, far removed from everywhere, so that their
stupidities would trouble others no more. Most of the Idioti,
therefore, were gladly deported over Sea, and guided by the
Bouncing Ball of Aileron came to the great isle of Anomaly,
westernmost of mortal lands. There they founded the decadent
realm of Nevermo'r. But one command the Velour laid upon the
Nevermo'rians, the "Ban of Valium": they were forbidden to sail
west to attempt to set foot on the Enlightened Lands. For though
a meagre span of intellect had been granted to them, in the
beginning a third that of lesser Men, they must remain stupid,
since the Velour were not permitted to take from them the Gift of
Dullness (or the Doom of Men, as it was afterwards called).
Elroy was the first King of Nevermo'r, and was afterwards
known by the Auld-Elven name Tsar-Minotaur. His descendants were
mortal, weak-chinned, and feeble-minded. Later, when they
somehow managed to become powerful, they begrudged the choice of
their foolish forefather, desiring both the immortality and the
interior decorating skills of the Auld Elves, and murmuring
against the Ban. In this way began their petty rebellion, which
allowed them to fall under the spells of the evil Sorhed, and
brought about the Downfall of Nevermo'r, as is told in The
Aromabre^th.
These are the names of the Kings and Queens of Nevermo'r:
Elroy Tsar-Minotaur, Tsar-Vacu'um, Tsar-Almond-di'ng, Tsar-Enema,
Tsar-Magnavox, Tsar-Alimo'ny, Tsarina-Ankylosaurus (the first
Queen), Tsar-Anomaly, Tsar-Su'dafed, Tsarina-Telephon (the second
Queen), Tsar-Minastroney, Tsar-Carryout, Tsar-Maniac the
Grotesque, Tsar-Telemetry, Tsarina-Vani'lla (the third Queen),
Tsar-Anacin, Tsar-Calamine. After Calamine the Kings took
sceptre in names in the Nevermo'rian tongue: Czar-Medu^lla
Oblongat, Czar-Zo^mbie, Czar-Saltpo^rk, Czar-Gu^mball, Czar-
Insu^lin. Insu^lin repented of the ways of the Kings and changed
his name to Tsar-Planetteer, "The Wishful Thinker." His daughter
should have been the fourth Queen, Tsarina-Mu'riel, but the
King's nephew usurped the sceptre and became Czar-Pholdero^l the
Gorgon, last King of the Nevermo'rians.
The realm of Nevermo'r miraculously endured to the end of
the Second Age; and until half the Age had passed, the
Nevermo'rians were slothful and content. The first sign of the
shadow that was to fall upon them appeared in the days of Tsar-
Minastroney, the eleventh King. It was he who sent a great force
of cannon-fodder to the aid of Gilt-gonad, last heir of the Kings
of Feenamint's exiled kin, against the armies of Sorhed. He
envied the Auld Elves, their immortality, their ability to count
without using their fingers, their lavish and tastefully-
decorated bungalows. Moreover, after Tsar-Minastroney the Kings
became greedy of wealth and power. At first, the Nevermo'rians
had come to Lower Middle Earth for remedial reading lessons from
lesser Men afflicted by Sorhed; but now their havens became
think-tanks, holding many bright brains in subjection. Tsar-
Maniac the fifteenth King and his successors levied heavy
tribute, and the barges of the Nevermo'rians returned laden with
almanacs and encyclopaedias.
It was Tsar-Maniac who was first demented enough to speak
openly against the Ban, declaring that the intelligence of the
Auld Elves was his by right. The shadow deepened, and the fear
of eternal illiteracy darkened the already-dim minds of the
people. The Nevermo'rians became divided: the Kings and their
minions who were blacklisted by the Auld Elves and the Velour,
and those few truly unfortunates who called themselves the
Faithful. They lived mostly in the reform schools and insane
asylums in the west of the land. The Kings, their mental sparks
waning like dead fireflies, little by little became incapable of
speaking the Elvish tongue, and at last, in desperation, the
twentieth King took his royal name in Nevermo'rian form, calling
himself Czar-Medu^lla Oblongat, "Lord of the Brain-Stem." This
seemed ill-omened to the Faithful, for hitherto they had given
that title only to one of the Velour, or to their electroshock
therapists. And indeed Czar-Medu^lla Oblongat began to persecute
the Faithful, lobotomising and sterilising those who spoke
Elvish, Algebra, or any other language they could not understand;
and the Auld Elves, reading the writing on the wall, severed all
diplomatic ties, closed their embassies, and withdrew all their
ambassadors from Nevermo'r.
Though these were the dark years for the Idioti of
Nevermo'r, the rest of the peoples of Lower Middle Earth
meanwhile were pretty well off, freed for the time being from the
blunderings of the Idioti. In the beginning of the Age, many of
the Auld Elves still remained, stranded by the breaking of
Boloneyland in the overthrow of Mortgage; though after the
building of the Grey Harbours and the rise of Sorhed, they
accepted the pardoning of their debts by the Velour, and retired
by the boatload to the tropical isles of Valium. At Limburg
dwelt Gilt-gonad, who was acknowledged as the High King and Chief
Interior Decorator of the Elves of the West. In Lornadoon dwelt
Cellophane, disinherited kinsman of Thimble Greybobbin; his
concubine was Gladwrapiel, sleaziest of Elven-women.
Later some of the Elves went to Oregano, near to the paper-
bag factories and Tupperware mills at the West-Gate of Andrea
Doria. This they did because they learned that the Dwarves had
discovered styrofoam in the mines of Nikon-zoom, valued beyond
price for making goblets, ice coolers, and thermal underwear.
The queer friendship that grew up between the Dwarves of Doria
and the Elven-smiths of Oregano was the closest that has ever
been tolerated between the two belligerent races. Carashingbor
was the inscrutable lord of Oregano and the most incompetent of
their so-called craftsmen; a scandalous rumour had it that he was
descended from Feenamint, though the horrified family of the
latter and their lawyers strenuously denied it. It was
Carashingbor who brutally wrested the secret of making magic
rings from the Dwarves; and without regard to patent rights he
forged the Twenty-One Rings of Power, including the Great One
which Sorhed stole, and which later caused such weeping and
gnashing of teeth in the lands of Lower Middle Earth.
The tyrannies of the Nevermo'rians nonetheless continued to
increase; but their minimal wits lessened even more as their fear
of death and nursing homes grew. Tsar-Planetteer attempted to
amend the evil; but it was too late, and there were Social
Security riots and Grey Panther rebellions in Nevermo'r. When he
died, his demented nephew, a well-known rabble-rouser and card-
carrying Elf-hater, seized the Golden Rattle that was the sceptre
of Nevermo'r, and became King Czar-Pholdero^l the Gorgon.
Czar-Pholdero^l was the stupidest and most dull of all the
Kings; yet no less than all the knowledge in the world was his
desire. He had the gall to challenge Sorhed the Great for the
supremacy in Lower Middle Earth, and at length he himself set
sail with a great navy of rowboats, log rafts, and inner tubes;
and suffering great losses on the trip he washed ashore at
Lumbar. So pitiful was the might and armament of the puny
Nevermo'rian flotilla that most of Sorhed's own servants died
laughing; and with great effort Sorhed humbled himself,
pretending to be afraid of the squeaking Nevermo'rian rubber
duckies, and craving pardon. Then Czar-Pholdero^l in the
deficiency of his grey matter carried the evil schemer back to
Nevermo'r; and soon Sorhed had bewitched the King and was running
the country himself. All but the small remnant of the Faithful,
still in their padded cells, did Sorhed turn back towards the
darkness.
At length, Czar-Pholdero^l felt the waning of his days, and
was besotted by the fear of death and constipation. And Sorhed
lied to the idiotic King, declaring that everlasting life and
regularity would belong to he who possessed the Enlightened
Lands, and that the Ban was imposed only so that the Velour could
monopolise the lucrative laxative market. Feeling the
sluggishness of his bowels, he mustered again his armada and set
sail westward, breaking the Ban of Valium, going up with war to
wrest knowledge and well-formed stools from the Apathetic
Guardians of the West. But when Czar-Pholdero^l's Royal Seahorse
floated onto the oil-slicked shores of Valium, the Velour
panicked and called upon the U.N. for aid against the imperialist
invaders. After an emergency meeting of the Security Council,
peacekeeping forces were sent to secure the beaches, and the
world was changed. A fell mushroom-shaped cloud appeared where
Nevermo'r once lay, and the borders of Valium were closed forever
to all immigrants. So ended the folly of Nevermo'r.
The last leaders of the Faithful, Barbisol and his son
Beltelephon, were luckily on weekend leave from the psychiatric
ward when Czar-Pholdero^l's fleet sailed west, and they escaped
the Downfall in nine lifeboats, bearing the Seven Magic Wishing
Balls or planetteeri, gifts of the Auld Elves to their pathetic
house. Miraculously they survived the fallout cloud and came to
the shores of Lower Middle Earth, where they founded the
Nevermo'rian realm in exile, Twodor, and the great cities of
Minas Troney, Omigoshgolli, and Chikken Noodul, not far from the
confines of Fordor. For in their defective wisdom, they thought
that Sorhed too had been destroyed in the Downfall.
But it was not so. Sorhed was indeed at Ground Zero when
the Big Bang hit Nevermo'r; but his cunningly-wrought underground
bomb shelter survived the strike, though severe radiation burns
resulted in horrible disfigurement that numerous rounds of
plastic surgery could not repair. He fled back to Fordor and
reentered his fortress of Barnyard-do^r, black and hideous. But
his anger was great when he learned that Barbisol, whom he hated
even more than wobbly dentures, was brazenly founding a new
country on his territory.
Therefore, without careful planning, Sorhed made war upon
the Exiles, hoping to scramble the eggs before the chicks could
hatch, as it were. The Zazu Pits once more belched forth
carcinogenic vapours, and telephones rang endlessly at the
Barnyard-do^r. But Sorhed struck too soon, before his own empire
was rebuilt, whereas the power of Gilt-gonad, thanks to many
Elven-Rings, had increased during his absence in Nevermo'r. In
the War-To-End-All-Wars-Until-The-Next-One, Sorhed was overthrown
by the Last Alliance of Elves and Men. At the Battle of
Bryllopad, Sorhed was relieved of the One Ring he had stolen from
the Elves, though in the taking both Gilt-gonad and Barbisol were
slain, and the Ring was accidentally dropped into the River
Anacin and lost. Bereft of the Ring and almost powerless, Sorhed
and his Nine Nozdru^l slipped away through the Ngaio Marsh and
hid in the ruins of Barnyard-do^r, which the Alliance had
levelled. While Lower Middle Earth then had peace for a long
while, Sorhed's malice was only subdued, and his revenge only
postponed. So ended the Second, or Brain-Damaged Age.
The Third, Or Sheet-Metal Age.
These were the fading years of the Auld Elves. For long
they were at peace, wielding their Magic Rings while Sorhed's
power was broken and the One Ring was lost; but in their torpor
they attempted nothing new, content to reread yesterday's
newspapers, dress in last year's fashions, and otherwise dwell in
the past. As part of a "Keep Lower Middle Earth Beautiful"
public service campaign, the Dwarves hid their hulking,
humpbacked selves in deep places, guarding their hoards of
machine bolts and cotter pins; but when evil began to stir again,
and the Dragons reappeared, one by one their ancient parts
inventories were plundered, their munitions factories closed, and
they became an unemployed people. The Mines of Doria long
remained secure behind impregnable styrofoam Gates, but long
exposure to asbestos and coal dust took its toll on the Dwarves,
and their numbers dwindled until many of its vast work-houses and
debtors' prisons became dark and empty. Surprisingly, both the
wisdom and the life-span of the Nevermo'rians increased as they
became mongrelised with lesser Men. Barbisol's descendants went
about the business of organising the realm of Twodor, and as
their wits slowly improved, they had fair success.
These are the names of the Kings of Twodor: Barbisol the
Buck-Toothed, Beltelephon the Senile, Nabisco the Incompetent,
Melonhed, Cementru'k, Aileron the Inverted, Analog, Oscarmayer,
Ro'mancandil I, Tu'rnabout, Anteater I, Saldati, Tarantella,
E'arwax I, Carryout, Hormo'ndocil the Eunuch. Hormo'ndocil was
the first childless King, and was succeeded by his brother,
Anteater II the Glutttonous. Nembutal I, Cholera, Ro'mancandil
II, Volksicar, Edselcar, Castrati the Unsavoury. He was the
second childless King, and was succeeded by his brother's son,
Dilidali. Hormo'ndocil II, Minnihaha, Telegraf, To'ronto,
Telegenic Lumbago, Nembutal II, Calamiti, Underhand, E'arwax II.
He and his children perished in the Spotted Plague, and was
succeeded by his cousin, Chlorinol. Chloride, Chlorox,
Chloroplast the Green, who died mysteriously. Here the line of
the Kings was interrupted, with the disappearance of
Chloroplast's son, Aeroplane, and the Stewardship of Twodor
began, until an heir of Aeroplane should return.
These are the names of the Ruling Stewards of Twodor:
Paraffin the Climber, Parego'ric, Hrududu, Barlico'rn the Sodden,
Hu'mid I, Tu'mid I, Harbour, Boraxo, Dudu, Benelux I, Carrion.
In his time the Roi-Tanners swore oaths of fealty and non-
aggression to Twodor. Hedless, Hu'mid II, Blaggard I,
Orridbreth, Electrolux I, Gypsimoth, Boron, Barelgut, Blaggard
II, Tho'rninside, Tu'mid II, Turnon, Electrolux II the Piker,
Benelux II the Booby, last of the Ruling Stewards. After his
suspicious "suicide", his son Farahslax would have succeeded him,
but Farahslax died of complications from a head-bump received in
the War of the Ring. After the coronation of King Arrowroot, the
office of Steward was discontinued.
These are the names of the Ranger Chieftains in Northern
Exile at Ribroast: Aeroplane, Aerodro'me, Aerodyne, Aeroflot,
Arglebargle I, Arrowroot I, Arrowfrog, Arglebargle II, Arrowshirt
I, Arrolflynn, Ardi-ar-ar, Armina'vi, Arlida'vison, Arrowhed,
Arrowshirt II, Arrowroot II, True King of Twodor and Heir of
Barbisol, restored.
When maybe a thousand years had passed, give or take a
millenium, and the first chestnut blight had fallen on Plywood
the Great, the Suzuki or Wizards appeared in Lower Middle Earth.
It was afterwards alleged that they came out of the Uttermost
West, deported for unspecified high crimes and misdemeanours
against the Velour (believed to be embezzlement of Elvish income
tax revenues), and condemned to contest the growing power of
Sorhed, and to find any who had enough intestinal fortitude to
resist him; but they were forbidden to match his power with
thermonuclear weapons, or to join forces with him in squashing
hapless Elves and Men.
Appropriately, they came in the shape of Men, with the
general intellect of the Idioti. Though they were always old,
and grew more stupid and senile with each passing year, they had
command of many cunning devices of mayhem and mass destruction.
Their true names were accidentally discovered by only a few
(and these had a tendency to "disappear" soon after), but they
used such names as were given to them, when printable. The two
highest-ranking (both in stature and in smell) of the Magician's
Union (of whom it is said there were five, but should have been
six, and are now four, except in unpublished writings, in which
there are seven) were called by the Auld Elves Co'roner, "The
Laxative of Death", and Misanthro'p, "The Pinging Petrol", but by
Men in the North Serutan and Goodgulf. Co'roner journeyed often
into the East, where he secretly plotted with Sorhed, but came at
last to dwell in Isinglass, in the Nevermo'rian citadel of
Eisentower. There he established an amusement park and tourist
trap devoted to the idiotic cartoon character, Dickey Dragon; and
with the enormous profits from his merchandising of Dickey Dragon
paraphernalia, he began to muster a war-machine to rival that of
Sorhed in Fordor. Misanthro'p, however, meddled mostly in the
affairs of the Auld Elves and wandered aimlessly in the West,
repeatedly run out of town before he could make himself any
lasting abode.
Of the history of the One Ring of Sorhed during the first
part of the Third Age, little can be said for certain. At the
Battle of Bryllopad at the end of the Second Age, Barbisol the
Buck-Toothed and Gilt-gonad the Elven-King slew the foul mortal
form in which Sorhed's spirit walked, but at the cost of their
own lives. Aigotit, the plastic spear of Gilt-gonad, and
Nostril, the pearl-handled toadsticker of Barbisol, both broke
asunder when they smote Sorhed, and the sharp splinters embedded
themselves under Gilt-gonad's impeccably manicured nails, killing
him instantly. Himself mortally wounded by a mote in his eye,
Barbisol cut the Ring from Sorhed's black hand with the hilt-
shard of Nostril, and dying he fell with it into the fetid slime
of the River Anacin. Barbisol's body and the shards of Nostril
were recovered by Beltelephon the Senile his son, but the Ring
was lost in the murky waters; and Beltelephon, true to his
nickname, blithely gave no thought to dredging the river-bed.
For over two thousand years the Ring slept, perhaps under a rock,
perhaps in a fish's gullet, until a most remarkable chance
occurrence, the sort which has critical readers either screaming
deus ex machina the minute they lay eyes on it, or else selling
all their possessions and giving the proceeds to television
evangelists. One day two young brothers named Sme'agma and
De'ogma were walking along the River, looking for pop bottles
they could return for deposit. Suddenly, the water bubbled and
boiled, and a golden Ring leapt out of the River and flew right
into De'ogma's pocket. "What's that?" asked Sme'agma. "A
golden Ring," said De'ogma. "Happy Birthday," said Sme'agma.
"It's not my birthday today," said De'ogma. "O yes it is," said
Sme'agma, "and here's your present." Sme'agma grabbed his
brother by the throat and throttled him; he took the golden Ring
from De'ogma's pocket and threw his body into the River. After
this brutal murder, Sme'agma's family disowned him and sent him
into exile in the Mealy Mountains, where he holed up in a deep,
underground cavern beside a cold, black underground pond. As
the Ring worked its deadly power on him, he began to lisp,
making hideous nglmm! noises in his throat as he snarfed down raw
fish from the pond. The Ring became his Precious, and he became
Gotham; and long the two lay hidden in the evil darkness.
By the middle of the Third Age, that decadent people called
by the Elves hoipolloi, or in their own tongue Hoggits, had
completed its migration from the vales of Anacin across the
Papier-Mache' Mountains, and settling between the Gallowine and
the Sea they founded their own fetid little country,
appropriately called the Stye. At about this time, the evil
Slumlord of Borax appeared in the North-Lands of Lower Middle
Earth, and began to assail the Exiled Rangers and their paper
kingdom at Ribroast. The other peoples of Oleodor were content
to allow this as long as their own lands were spared; but when
hordes of Dorcs riding ravening Werewolves appeared in the Stye
and Oregano, their tune not surprisingly changed, and tens of
poorly-armed, ill-trained Hoggits and loudly-dressed Elves came
lumbering to the rescue. After the defeat of the Slumlord, who
was actually the Lord of the Nozdru^l in disguise, and the
dispersal of the remaining Rangers, the Hoggits withdrew from the
politics of the Age, until the events of the War of the Ring
dragged them out of their squalid holes and into the spotlight.
At about this time a fierce tribe of sheep-herding Men,
the Roi-Tanners, descended from the Papier-Mache' Mountains and
invaded the grassy plains between Isinglass and Twodor. Ever
seeking more pasture for their great merinos, and more lebensraum
(as they called it) for themselves, they began to assail outlying
Twodorian villages, pillaging towns and killing helpless women,
children, and National Guardsmen. Alarmed by this militant
expansionism, the tenth Ruling Steward of Twodor, Benelux I,
undertook negotiations with the invaders in an attempt to secure
the northern borders. After an historic summit hosted by Serutan
at Eisentower, Benelux returned with an agreement signed by
Varlet the Crafty, King of the Rubbermark, which the Steward
proclaimed as representing "peace in our time." Upon the death
of Benelux later that year, the Roi-Tanners crossed the treaty-
border with a blitz of mounted sheepmen armed with fell dustmops,
and relentlessly swept through Twodor unto the very Gates of
Minas Troney. It is said that Serutan had at first secretly
aided the Roi-Tanners in their efforts, greatly desiring the
overthrow of Twodor, which had refused him tax abatements during
the construction of his Dickey Dragon amusement park; but King
Varlet, his early success giving him delusions of grandeur,
unexpectedly sent part of his army to attack Isinglass itself,
and Serutan was wroth. As Minas Troney was about to fall,
Serutan intervened, and he gave Carrion son of Benelux a magic
weapon with which to defeat the Roi-Tanners. Standing on the
wall of the Seventh Level, Carrion pointed a gleaming tube into
the air, the name Anthrax graven in proud Elf-runes upon its
polished mahogany stock. A cloud of white smoke came from the
tube and settled upon the army of Roi-Tan. One by one, the
powerful black merinos upon which the Men of Roi-Tan rode gasped,
staggered, and collapsed to the earth; soon all had succumbed.
King Varlet was smothered under the weight and stench of his
dying steed, and the rest of the Roi-Tanners retreated in a rout.
Churl the Dumb, son of Varlet and now King of the Rubbermark,
returned bearing a white flag of truce, desiring peace and a
return to prewar borders; and before Carrion the Steward he swore
the famous Oath of Churl, pledging fealty to Twodor and promising
to never ever attack them again, "Cross my heart and hope to die,
lightning strike me if I lie." It is recorded that a severe
thunderstorm blew up a few hours later and immediately thereafter
Bozo son of Churl was crowned King.
These are the names of the Kings and Queens of Roi-Tan:
Churl the Dumb, Bozo the Clown, Alpo the Old Geezer, Fle'a the
Itchy, Fle'apowder, Goldbrik, De'orjamb, Kilogram, Heimie
Hammerhead. His sons Ho'mwork and Halitosis died in the Long
Hard Winter, and he was succeeded by Fre'aloader his sister's
son. Butthed the Loafer, Wallawalla, Flu'ke, Flu'kliver, Fungus,
Thingamabob, The'atre, E'orlobe. His daughter E'orache became
the first Queen and was wedded to King Arrowroot of Twodor, but
died mysteriously without children. E'orwax, son of E'ordrum,
E'orlobe's brother, succeeded to the throne of the Rubbermark.
It came to pass that, in the Middle of the Third Age,
Fergus Fewmet was again King of the Dwarves of Andrea Doria,
being the sixth of that infamous name since the First Age. The
power of Sorhed, servant of fell Mortgage, was growing again like
a malignant tumour in the world, and all manner of plagues and
evils were abroad, though the Dwarves blithely maintained that
everything was hunky-dory. The Dwarves delved deep at that time,
seeking beneath Bara^zinbred for styrofoam, the metal that was
yearly losing its value as the Elves of Oregano flooded the
market with cheap imitations imported from Fordor. One day,
while idly hammering away at the walls of a deep, dark shaft
(using their heads, not their hammers--a common form of Dwarvish
"entertainment"), they aroused from its beauty sleep a terror
that, fleeing from Thingamabob, had lain hidden at the
foundations of the earth since the victory of the Lawyers of
Valium: a Ballhog of Mortgage. Fergus VI was slam-dunked by it,
and the year after Nimrod I, his flat-headed (from too much
"entertainment") son. The glory of Doria passed, such as it was,
and its people were evicted and deported far away.
Most of those who were deported ended up in the North, and
Thro'bak I, Nimrod's son, came to Erbivor, the Ruminating
Mountain, near the eastern eaves of Plywood, and there became
King-Under-The-Mountain. In Erbivbor he found the great sheet-
metal jewel, the Arkenweld, Gall-Bladder of the Mountain, and he
and his folk prospered, envied by the Men who dwelt nearby at
Escargot-Upon-The-Puny-Pond. For they made not only things of
wonder and beauty, like refrigerators and filing cabinets, but
also weapons and armour of great worth: swords of sharpest
aluminium, helms of sturdiest plexiglas, jock straps of
gleamingest tinfoil. Thus the Dwarves lived in disgusting plenty
for many generations, free of Dorcs and Sorhed's income tax, and
there was gluttony and vice in Erbivor. Unfortunately, the
rumour of this wealth spread abroad and reached the avaricious
ears of the Dragons, including Smog the Carcinogenic, greatest
toxic waste dumper and environmental polluter of his day. Eager
to exploit the pristine lands for strip mining and low-rent
public housing developments, Smog without warning attacked the
King, Tho'rax great-grandson of Thro'bak. He descended on the
Mountain, spewing cyclamates, detergent phosphates, and DDT into
the Dwarves' water supplies. It was not long before the Dwarves
swelled up with tumours and all their realm was destroyed; but
Smog entered the Great Hall and lay there content upon a bed of
asbestos. From the sack of Erbivor many of Tho'rax's kin
escaped, having lived off secret hoards of organically-grown
vegetables, distilled water, and mega-doses of vitamin C; and
last of all from the halls by a secret laundry chute came crafty
old Tho'rax himself and his retarded son Thro'bak II. The
Dwarves wandered away south, poor and homeless, with only meagre
Social Security checks to sustain them.
The bitter loss of his kingdom darkened Tho'rax's thoughts
as he brooded over his anvil; for now the Dwarves turned to
blacksmithing to earn their bread (though it is said that a few
bright individuals who took up plumbing instead made a fortune on
the Roto-Rooter circuit). At last unable to endure his poverty,
the old King-In-Exile took it into his head to reopen the
styrofoam mines of Andrea Doria, and proposed to lead his people
thence. Remembering that the mines were now full of Dorcs, not
to mention the Ballhog (or "Fewmet's Foe" as it was whisperingly
known), the Dwarves refused to follow, all except Ne'rd, the
King's faithful jester and psychoanalyst. Undaunted by this vote
of no confidence, Tho'rax abdicated his throne to his son and
left with the sniveling Ne'rd, and when last seen the hapless
pair were on the highroad to the East-Gate of Doria. Several
weeks went by without any word; and then one day King Thro'bak
received a large package C.O.D., postmarked from Doria. Greedily
thinking it a birthday present from his departed father, he paid
the postage due and opened it, discovering rather that it WAS his
departed father, departed into several parts, as it were. But of
the jester there was no sign. After seven days of catatonic
silence, during which a stunned nation held tearful vigil,
Thro'bak II stood up, tore his beard, and spoke these famous
words: "Klaatu barada nikto!" which in the secret tongue of the
Dwarves means either "This cannot be borne!" or something
unprintable. But instead of going to war against the Dorcs of
Andrea Doria, a plan which had considerable popular support at
the time, the batty Thro'bak marched straight to Sorhed's nearby
embassy at Dol Barbie, and standing on the front steps demanded
compensation. A courteous secretary, four feet tall, dressed in
black leotards and bearing a striking resemblance to Ne'rd,
politely ushered the fuming King through the door; and of the
fate of Thro'bak II no tale tells.
Now Tho'rninside Oatenquaker son of Thro'bak became the
heir of Fergus Fewmet; but a King without a Kingdom is not indeed
a King, and Tho'rninside was an heir without hope. He led the
remnant of the Dwarves into Oleodor, and there they dug new mines
in the Airhed Looni, the Magenta Mountains. Of iron were most of
the things they forged in those days, though some were of paper,
but they prospered after a fashion, and both birthrate and per
capita income slowly increased. Now they had fair homes in the
mountains (nothing to brag about in Better Caves and Caverns, but
dry at least) and large inventories of fenders and trunk-lids,
but in their songs they spoke ever of the Ruminating Mountain.
It is elsewhere told in Valley of the Trolls how
Tho'rninside's chance meeting with Goodgulf Greyteeth led to the
Quest of Erbivor, at the end of which the exiled Dwarves (with
grudging help from the Elves of Plywood and the Men of Escargot)
slew Smog the Dragon and reestablished the Kingdom-Under-The-
Mountain. In this Quest, Tho'rninside Oatenquaker and many other
Dwarves were slain, and the Throne of Fergus Fewmet was claimed
by Tho'rninside's no-account cousin Dra'in from the Junkyard
Hills. Bimbo Bugger, a Hoggit of the Stye, was an unwilling
participant in this business; yet it was his blundering fortune
to recover Sorhed's One Ring from its hiding place in the Papier-
Mache' Mountains, making possible the much-heralded and soon-to-
be-a-TV-movie War of the Ring, in which Sorhed and the fell host
of Fordor were finally defeated, and evil purged at last from
Lower Middle Earth, or so they say.
After the fall of Sorhed, the remaining Auld Elves finally
decided that they had had enough of mortal lands, and they began
a great exodus to the Grey Harbours, with the purpose of taking
ship and leaving Lower Middle Earth for ever. With them went
Orlon Half-Witted, whose daughter Arwench decided to remain as
the concubine of King Arrowroot; the Lady Gladwrapiel, newly
divorced from Cellophane after her magic Birdbath revealed some
choice indiscretions with the milkman; and Goodgulf Greyteeth,
the statute of limitations on his Valiumnar transgressions having
run out. The Ring-Bearers, Bimbo and Frito Bugger, were also
permitted to take the one-way trip to the Uttermost West, even
though they were mortals. It is said that this grace was a
reward from the Velour for their service against Sorhed (though
it is recorded that several chests marked with the Elf-rune "$"
were presented by the Hoggits to Cardbo'rd the Ship-Worm, Captain
of the Harbours, before their departure). The host of Auld Elves
boarded the grey ocean liner, its name Lusitania proclaimed in
proud Elf-runes upon the pointed prow, and away it drifted,
vanishing into the West. With it went the last living memory,
feeble though it was, of the First Age in Lower Middle Earth, and
a merciful end was come to the dominion of the Auld Elves, though
the end was just beginning for the moronic descendants of the
Idioti. So ended the Third, or Sheet-Metal Age; and with it,
these tales come to their end.
--
Richard F. Drushel ****** Ph.D. in Developmental Biology as of 4:45 PM 9211.20
rfd@po.cwru.edu ** Cleveland FreeNet ** Co-Sysop, Coleco ADAM Forum ** Go Z80!
"The bright and blinding sunlight shines so hotly on the trash-heaps that mere
undigested food and snotty Kleenex flow as rivers of milk and honey." - c.5253
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