A meets D (Star Trek fan fiction)
Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!usc!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!bonnie.concordia.ca!nstn.ns.ca!ac.dal.ca!vt102
From: vt102@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: A meets D (Repost, ask and ye shall get)
Message-ID: <1992Feb26.122121.3813@ac.dal.ca>
Date: 26 Feb 92 16:21:21 GMT
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Lines: 477
It was a cold night. Absolutely cold. Absolutely dark, and
very very empty. In the distance, if there had been eyes to see
it, they would have seen a sight that few people at all ever see
(unless they go to movies a lot).
Travelling at well over warp one, warp two, or a whole lot
of other warp factors, came the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D,
the new version, and we shall follow them through their newest
adventure on board the new enterprise, in this,
STAR TREK, THE NEXT GENERATION MEETS THE FIRST GENERATION (AND
MAYBE SOME IN BETWEEN) THE MOTION PICTURE (EVEN THOUGH IT'S
REALLY THE SEVENTH STAR TREK FILM).
"Captain's log, stardate 4321.0. We have been in orbit of
the Earth of 1991 for two weeks. after we came here to escape the
Federation's pursuits of the Enterprise after our saving of the
klingon-human peace treaty. They wanted to decommission this
vessel, but they will not succeed. I intend to run until I can no
longer, or until my toupee needs washing."
With a satisfied look on his face, Captain James Tiberius
Kirk replaced the automated log recording module into its
receptacle, and looked at the viewscreen. It was currently
showing a view of a drive-in movie somewhere outside San
Francisco. "It's a bitch to park this thing in one of those
little spaces, and why try to sneak the entire crew into the
trunk of a car when we can watch it from orbit anyway?" Kirk had
said to Spock in their token argument over laws. On the bridge
were Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and ensign Booger, manning the helm in
Sulu's absence. As usual, Chekov was staring intently at the
screen while Spock and Kirk made bets as to how long it would
take for him to blink.
"Captain, I find it most unusual as to why Mr. Chekov would
not desire to blink his eyes while regarding the movie.
Furthermore, It seems totally illogical that he would be so
interested in the human sexual act anyway. Five credits says he
won't blink till it's over." said Spock in his dry way.
"Spock, how can you say that? of course he's staring at the
movie! This is Debbie does Dallas! It's a classic! how can one
not stare? By the way, Spock, why are you still calling me
Captain? Try to be more casual."
Spock thought this over. Naturally, the captain would side
with Chekov, they were both human. And as for his being more
casual in the future, he would try his best given the research
into this era's slang and popular speech he had done.
"Mr Scott, this is Kirk. why don't you come up to the
bridge, we should be trying to get back home soon, and I want to
make one final bet before we leave. Chekov looks like he's in
some kind of coma."
"Well, sirrr, I'll trrry mae best, but Ae dinna know if Ae
can make it up now. Put me down for twenty though." came out of
Scotty's voice, down in engineering.
"Very well, mr. Scott, I'll put you on the board. You should
make it up sometime though, come on, try it! you may like it!"
"Er, well, sir, Ae'll trrry, but Ae'm going over some,
aaahhh, things down here, and Ae'll drop up later. hee hee"
"Mr Scott, was that a laugh I heard? A female laugh? One
that sounded in the midst of sexual ecstasy?" Kirk looked into
the intercom.
"Ahhhhh, no sirjustanoisemustgonowScottout"
Kirk smiled to himself in happiness. "It's about time that
bastard got laid" he thought to himself. "Spock, are your
calculations ready for the return to our own time period yet?"
Spock turned from his station to look at Kirk. "better try
some of that casual speech now" thought Spock to himself.
"Kirkaromski, asking for the calculations, yeah baron von
kirk miester, the big Kman, Kirk-a-lurky, one and only
kirkalonious, Evel Kirkaneviel, yeah."
"Ah, Mr Spock, what do you think you're doing?"
"Jimboooooo, asking me what I'm doing, the space stud, the
man in charge, the grand fromage homme, Lord duke Jim."
"Mr Spock maybe you can try a different for of casual speech
next time. do you have those calculations?"
"Sorry sir. The calculations are ready. I guessed the hell
out of them this time."
"Good work, Spock. We leave orbit in one hour be ready."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's log, stardate 8943.2. The Enterprise has been
ordered to starbase 126352347651293864196 in order to pick up a
former crewman and friend -Wesley Crusher, and take him on as a
fully commissioned member of the crew. His results at his
graduation were revealed to be the best ever, and it is for this
reason that I have given him his old spot on the bridge, as
helmsman. While we are at starbase 126352347651293864196, we will
also be fitted with a new type of experimental warp drive, said
to be able to produce speeds greater than transwarp drive and
even greater that the rise of inflation."
"Captain, I'm picking up our destination on sensors now.
should we place in a standard orbit around the starbase, sir?"
"No Data, let's try something a little different, shall we?
I want you to initiate a saucer separation and place the
stardrive section in orbit backwards, and the saucer rolling
along behind it. Understood?"
"Very well, sir. Saucer now separated, settling into planned
orbit now."
"Damn! thought Pickard to himself."Nothing fazes him!"
Pikard looked at the broadly grinning face of Riker, and
grudgingly handed him ten credits. "Next time, Will." Said
Pikard.
In engineering, Laforge looked lovingly at the diagrams of
the ship on the wall before him. Then, removing his visor, he
took a strip of paper, turned around three times, then wildly
stuck the paper on the wall. On the paper was a picture of a warp
Nacelle. Putting his visor back on, he looked at dismay at where
he had put it. it wasn't even touching the ship. "Well, Reg,
looks like you win again." he said to Reg Barkley. "I'm getting
tired of this game. There must be some better way of passing time
than playing pin the engine on the ship."
"Well," said Barkley "We could go down to La Holodeck for
some fun and times." said Barkley with an expectant look on his
face. "Wanna go?"
"Sure, sounds great. Let's go." said Laforge as they walked
out.
hey arrived on holodeck 4, the largest one on the ship. It
was lucky for them it wasn't booked. "what program do you want to
run, Reg? sports?" asked Laforge. He felt like a good game of B-
ball.
"Ah, sure, Geordi, let's try one of mine." said Barkley
absent-mindedly." Doesn't matter which one, I guess."
"Fine," said Laforge. "Computer, Initiate Barkley sports
program, random selection."
"Acknowledged, initiating program five." said the computer.
For a minute, Barkley waited, the looked shocked. "NO!
COMPUTER! CANCEL PROGRAM FI-" It was too late. Before them stood
Deanna Troi, wearing a leather bodysuit with holes cut for the
breasts and crotch. She was holding a whip, and screaming for the
two of them to take of their clothes before the program stopped
and then disappeared, leaving Geordi and Barkley to stare at each
other.
"Ah, Geordi, let me explain. You see, ..."
"Don't try to explain Reg. I don't want to know. Tell you
what. you go back to engineering, I'll catch up in a little
while. Since I'm here, I may as well get some work done. "
After Barkley left, Geordi looked around, and moved to go
himself. before he got to the door, he said "Computer, copy
program Barkley five and name the duplicate Geordi five-b."
He was about to do a test run before the red alert sounded.
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
On the bridge, Everything was as normal, except there
was a red alert on and every one was desperately trying to
perform their duties, report to the captain, and think of an
excuse to stand beside Worf so that they could look down Troi's
uniform top like he always does.
Pikard came out of his ready room and moved for the command
chair. He was about to ask what had caused the alert when he saw
it on the screen himself. There was a greenish nebula-like haze
in front of the ship, also orbiting starbase 2634673547365167.
"Data, reunite the saucer section, and raise shields. Riker,
I want you to- Riker? What the devil is everyone doing at Mr
Worf's station? Riker, get down here!"
Everyone looked startled, then cleared their throats in
unison and shuffled off to their stations, leaving worf to look
pleased and Troi looking confused at what every man on the bridge
found so interesting about Worf's console. When Riker sat down
next to Pikard, he said, "Captain, this mass appeared in orbit a
few minutes ago. I sounded the red alert when Lt. Worf detected a
solid mass forming in the centre of it."
"very well. Mr. Worf, what do sensors show now?"
"Still indeterminate yet, sir, but it seems to be a
starfleet vessel of the constitution class, with some battle
damage, and a bad paint job." Said Worf in his subwoofer voice.
All eyes but Worf's were fixed on the viewscreen. In the
middle of the mass, a ship came out. everyone recognized it
instantly, except for Wesley, but that was only because he didn't
have his contacts in.
"it's the enterprise A!" said Riker loudly. the intercom
buzzed.
"Captain" said Guinan from the intercom" Is everything all
right up there?"
"Guinan, what do you mean?"
"Well, this doesn't seem right somehow."
"OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT YOU DIZZY BITCH! A STARSHIP JUST
CAME OUT OF A TIMEWARP STRAIGHT AT US! DOES THAT SOUND NORMAL TO
YOU?"
"Actually Captain, I meant it seems a little hot. Could you
turn down the ship's thermostat a little?"
"Oh, sorry. there." said Pikard, twisting the big dial that
took up the entire left panel on the arm of his chair. The knob
on his other panel was what switched the main viewscreen between
an external view and HBO.
"My God! " said Pikard. "Is that what I think it is? Is
that the Enterprise A?"
"Wasn't that ship destroyed years ago?" asked Wesley,
squinting at the screen in between putting in his contacts.
"That is correct Wesley. The Enterprise A was destroyed
exactly 87.346744743 years ago in battle with the Ferengi, after
the Federation's first contact with that race."
"Recommend we destroy that ship, and take their women, sir."
said Worf in his usual manner.
"Mr Worf, that is one thing we cannot do. By destroying that
ship, we may be damaging the future. And besides, how can we get
their women? we can't beam them out , their shields are up." Said
Pikard.
"Data, transmit to the Enterprise A: This is Jean-Luc Pikard
of the Enterpr- I mean the, ahhh, boob! yes, that's it! This is
The Boob. Do you require assistance?"
On Board the Enterprise A things were just as bad.
"Spock, sensor scan. What kind of Ship is that? " Said Kirk.
"Big one" Thought Spock as he leaned over his sensor hood
and hoped that McCoy wouldn't take this opportunity to goose him
like he usually does. "The ship conforms to starfleet
construction standards, sir, but there have been many
advancements made. Also, I detect a WHOA!" Spock yelled and stood
straight, everyone on the bridge looking at him and McCoy,
standing behind him and trying to hold in his laughter and still
stand up.
"Doctor, please. this is serious. Spock?" said Kirk.
"Yes, sir. As I said, that could be a federation vessel in
the future. It is probable that we have overshot our mark in the
time jump and have arrived in the future. That could be the next
class of starship."
"Right. Send to the unknown ship. This is the starship
Enterprise. We are lowering shields and allowing you to beam
over."
Riker turned to Pikard. "Captain, I want to get over there."
"Make it so, number one. " said Pikard.
Riker Stood up, and surveyed the bridge personnel. "Data,
Worf, Deanna, let's go."
Beaming directly to the bridge of the Enterprise A, the away
team startled the crew quite a bit...
"AAAAAAAA!" screamed Kirk, as Troi's busom appeared directly
if front of him. Chekov instantly looked her over, and got his
stare started up again. They didn't find Worf quite as
attractive.
"What the hell is a Klingon doing on my ship?! Get him off!"
Yelled Kirk.
"Captain, I'm Wil Riker, First officer of the Enterprise. In
the future, the Klingons are our allies. I think the best course
of action here is to get you all back to your own proper time
period so that the timelines won't be distorted any more than
they have to be. For these reasons, I think it best if nobody
from your ship beams over to the Enterprise D, and we isolate
ourselves as well, in order to prevent the kind of thing your
weapons officer is trying."
All eyes turned to Chekov, where he was leaning over his
console, talking to troi and sneaking in a quick feel where
possible. He was about done his contour mapping of her body when
Riker landed a hand to the back of his head. "Lay off, Russkie!
she's my babe! Go find yourself some cheap sweatie down in
engineering or something!" He bellowed, causing Chekov to bolt
for the turbolift. just before the doors closed, he gave his
destination. "deck fifteen, Lighthouse section!"
"Well, then, I guess that's that. I agree totally with you,
Riker. I'll not beam any of my crew over to your ship, and you
will do likewise, except to go back yourselves. But this I have
to know: who wins the world series, 2344?" Said Kirk.
"Well, ahem, ahh, I really should be going now." Tapping his
communicator, he said to beam back the away team."We'll contact
you when we have our calculations done. by the way, the winners
are ..." Just then the transporter cut in, and the team vanished.
"God damn it! Why do the transporters always make things so
frigging hard for me to find out things?!!" Asked Kirk.
"Captain, I do not think you should have asked such a thing
of Riker. He is a Starfleet officer, and it is against
regulations for us to gamble, or to condone it." Said Spock.
"What the hell do you think we were doing while Chekov was
watching that movie then, you stupid pointy-eared dry faced never
laughing green blooded quim head?" asked McCoy angrily.
"Doctor, It is illogical for you to think you can insult me
by calling me green blooded, since that is what I am, and nothing
can change the fact. It would be as fruitless for me to attempt
to insult you by reminding you of your IDIOTIC PRACTICE OF
FEELING UP YOUR FEMALE PATIENTS EVERY TIME THEY GO UNDER
ANISTETHIC!!!!"
"Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't feel you up if you were a female
deltan, you freak!" screamed McCoy.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough of that for now. Spock,
call Chekov back to the bridge, and assume a standard orbit
behind the Enterprise D. Doctor, I want you to apologize to
Spock."
"Why do I always have to apologize? He always starts it!"
asked McCoy
"Come on doctor, do it." said Kirk.
"Oh, all right. Spock, I'm sorry you're a quim head" McCoy
said, then ran laughing off the bridge before anyone could catch
him.
Back on the Enterprise D the away team had just gotten back
to the bridge. Riker took his seat, and let out the hugest
farting noise anyone has ever heard. Getting up, he grabbed the
woopie cushion and held it in the air.
"All right, who's the wise guy?" He asked.
"snicker snicker"
"Lt. commander Data, is something funny?" said Riker.
"No sir, I think I may have(snicker) gas. "
"I see, well, see that you get yourself fixed." said Riker
as he sat back down in his seat, on a second woopie cushion. At
this, the entire bridge crew erupted in laughter, even Pikard.
"No damn respect" Riker said to himself under his breath.
"Captain, the starbase has completed the installation of our
new experimental warp drive and we are to proceed to the Beluga
sector, there to begin testing after we assist the return of the
Enterprise A to its proper time period." reported Data.
"Very well, Data. Plot a course to the Beluga sector and
proceed at warp three. Engage."
The two starships tore off at warp three, but Kirk wasn't
too happy about that.
"Is warp three all those boneheads can manage?" asked Kirk
to himself. "Engineering, this is the captain, we're going to
race to the Beluga sector, can your damn bairns take the strain?"
"Well, sir Ae can git warp 9 and change out of 'er, but I
cannae do better than that for ye."
"Roger, Scotty. We'll do what we can." said Kirk with a
smile on his face. "prepare for top acceleration, ensign Booger."
"You got it, guy" said booger, as he put his hand on the
warp shift lever, and got ready on the clutch."
"Spock, scan the Enterprise D. What can their engines do in
comparison to ours?" queried kirk.
"Perhaps the Captian would be more receptive to a new form
of casual speech at this time." thought spock. "Well, homey," he
said, as he put on a pair of dark glasses, "She's a bitchin' ride
capie, but but don't forget that this sled can haul ass too
boyeeeeee!" As he finished his statement, he crossed his arms
with his index fingers out, as he had seen users of this dialect
do. It failed to achieve its intended affect, though, and left
the entire bridge crew to stare at him.
"What the hell did you say, Spock?" asked McCoy.
"I said we have a good chance at beating them, Doctor, did
you not understand me?"
"Understand you? I don't even know what language you were
using!" the doctor was becoming upset.
"Well, doctor, I managed to understand it, and it's a
version of YOUR language. So there."
"Oh yeah?!" McCoy said, "Come here and say that, pus-face!"
Spock was on his way to get him when he thought of a better
idea and just ripped his chair out of its mount and lobbed it at
him, across the bridge. McCoy dodged it, and started throwing
various things back, that were lying around his side of the
bridge. Spock was going for his phaser when Kirk stepped between
the two.
"All right, all right you two! Doctor, I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you to leave the bridge." Kirk said, trying to sound as
kind as he could.
"awww! You always punish me, never the Vulcan! Why do I have
to leave?" McCoy said.
"Spock stays because he works here, now go!" Kirk said, now
getting angry himself.
McCoy pouted, then shruged off the bridge.
"Engine room, begin buildup for jump." said Kirk into his
chair.
"Aye'Aye sir." said Scott and turned off the intercomm. He
got up, and moved over to a large lever set into the floor in the
center of engineering. "All right, yae dirty dictator, you want
speed, here it is!" scott said and pulled the lever from "NORMAL
USE" past "FAST" and "REAL FAST" right into "SUCK THEIR DOORS
OFF!"
On the Enterprise D, Data's sensors piked up the surge.
"Captain, I am picking up an energy buildup on the Enterprise A.
It is consistent with the buildup needed for a sudden jump in
warp speed." he said, worried. "I think they want to race" he
said.
"So they want to race do they?" said Riker. What do you
think sir?"
"Well, we can't let that bunch of old men go back in time
without showing them who's boss, can we?" Engineering, this is
Pikard. Prepare to engage maximum warp."
For a while, the two ships stayed at warp three alongside
each other, revving their warp engines, and the crews of each
ship gathered in the windows facing the other vessel, and giving
them the finger, and other assorted rude gestures. Then the
Enterprise A took a long run, and shot out a good two lengths in
front of the Enterprise D. Pikard took this as the final straw,
and ordered warp 9. The Enterprise D's engines flashed a blue
light, then the ship stretched out like it was made of rubber,
then snapped away at warp 9. On the viewscreen of the Enterprise
A, the crew watched, amazed.
"Great warp effect." said chekov.
"OK, that tears it!" said kirk, and got on the intercom.
"All hands, prepare for warp 9.5! Scotty, let's get those
bastards!"
The Enterprise A whimpered, then took off down a tunnel of
pretty rainbows.
"Captain, the Enterprise A has accelerated to warp 9.5, and
is gaining on us! At her present speed, she will overtake us in-
oops, there she goes." on the viewscreen, the Enterprise A shot
by, with the words 'Eat Our Warp Field' hastily painted along her
back. Pikard took one look at this, and turned to Data.
"Data! can we catch them?"
"We are now at warp 9.65, sir. we will catch them in ten
seconds. " said Data, but then he looked at his console. "
Captain! the Enterprise A has now accelerated to warp 9.9!" She's
getting away!"
Pikard jumped from his seat, and strode to the centre of the
bridge, between the ops and navigation consoles. "Damn them Data!
go to warp 9.999!"
" Aye, sir, warp 9.999 engaged." data checked his readings,
then looked at Pikard. "Captain, the Enterprise A has matched our
speed and is still out in front."
" By how far?" asked Pikard.
"Approximately 230.328646856 kilometres, sir."
"Time to the Beluga sector?"
"Our E.T.A. is now one hour, thirty eight minutes, sir."
"Pikard to engineering. Mr Laforge, I want you to engage the
new experimental warp drive. We can't let ourselves get beaten by
a starship almost eighty years old!"
"Yes, sir. I'll power up the new drive, and have it engaged
in about a minute." said Laforge over the intercom.
Down in Engineering, Laforge strode around, looking over
everyone's shoulders. "Ok, people, I want the new drive running
now! let's go!"
Laforge sat at his console and began diverting power from
the ship's schools and civilian section life support to the new
warp drive. Designed by professor Mitchell, Graduate of the
Bill&Ted Institute of awesome engineering, the new warp engines
could propel the ship to into 'Gnarlywarp', said to be even
faster than the Boguswarp drive, which failed in the experimental
stages. Laforge powered them up, checked the circuits, and
engaged the drive.
On the screen of the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D emitted
an even bigger flash from her engines, red this time, then
stretched away from the Enterprise A again, corkscrewing this
time. Seeing this, Kirk knew he was beaten. He slumped into his
seat, and ordered to proceed to the Beluga sector. When they got
there, the Enterprise D was sitting in the centre of the sector,
revving their engines and locking up the front space brakes so
that the ship peeled around in circles. When the Enterprise A
approached, it stopped spinning, and came to a rest so that the
two ships faced each other.
"Captain Pikard, this is Kirk. You won this time, but you
cheated by using those special engines. Next time, I'll have the
Excelsior. "
Pikard stood, looking at Kirk on the screen. "We'll see,
Kirk." he said, turning to worf and running his hand by his neck.
Worf cut the connection, and Pikard went back to his seat.
"Data, transmit the coordinates of the black star to the
enterprise A, and tell them that they may proceed with the
timewarp any time."
"Aye sir, the Enterprise A has received the transmission and
is proceeding to the specified coordinates."
"Transporter room, this is Kirk. do we have that little
suprise ready?"
"Aye, sir. Ready to go."
"Energize." said Kirk, kowing he would have the last word
for now.
As the Enterprise A shot around the star and back to its own
time, Pikard turned to Riker and sighed in relief. "Well, thank
God that's over." he said to Riker. "Pikard to engineering, how
did the new engines perform?"
"Well enough to send that old crate packing, sir. It was a
good test. Recommend that we return to starbase
126352347651293864196 and report."
Pikard was about to agree, but then the bridge was filled
with the faint humming of a transporter beam, which grew steadily
louder. Seconds later, the bridge was filled to the ceiling with
tribbles, Clogging LaForge's visor, making annoying squishing
noises under Data's feet, and chasing Worf into a corner with a
trrified look on his face.
"Data! forget the starbase! beam these things off my
bridge!" Pikard ordered.
After the tribbles had disappeared, Pikard sat in his chair,
annoyed. "Data, I want you to start making calculations for a
time jump. We're going after those bastards!"
Minutes later, they were ready. Data plotted the course, and
Wesley came back from the bathroom. He was spending more and more
of his time there these days.
"Data" Pikard said, "let's get those pricks once and for
all! Gnarlywarp factor 5. Engage."
LA END for now.
Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!ispd-newsserver!psinntp!nstn.ns.ca!ac.dal.ca!vt102
From: vt102@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: A meetds D THE SEQUEL
Message-ID: <1992Feb24.214212.3783@ac.dal.ca>
Date: 24 Feb 92 21:42:11 -0400
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Lines: 299
A Meets D II, The Wrath of Spock
By: Steve Tonner
"Captain's log, stardate 3675.9. The enterprise has been
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a strange rippling
effect in time. If studies of this time disruption are
successful, Starfleet intends to use it for research into
historical matters and my revenge against Kirk for his little
joke." Pikard stabbed the log button with his thumb, noticing a
tuft of fur under the button. " Those tribbles Kirk beamed over
are still bugging me, even though they were all gotten rid of. If
this plan works, Kirk will be VERY sorry." thought Pikard to
himself.
The Enterprise D Would arrive at her destination in three
hours.
"Captian's log, stardate 1234.5. The Enterprise has been
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a rippling
distortion in time itself. Mr Spock seems to think it could be a
gateway that had to have been artificialy created. As a personal
aside, I am growing concerned about Spock. His attempts to use
more personal speech forms have grown worse and worse since our
encounter with the Enterprise D, and if this keeps up I will have
to do something about it." Kirk stopped the recording on his log
module and looked thoughtful. when they got to the cluster,
things on the ship would relax, since they'd be hanging around
the cluster for weeks researching it. Practical jokes are
definetley going to increase, eventually getting out of hand.
Kirk hoped he wouldn't have to stop things without resorting to
disintegration. Just then, Spock screamed. all eyes turned to
him. He was hopping around at his station, eyes wide.
"Spock! what is it? Are you all right?" kirk asked. the last
time this happened, it turned out to be a premonition of the
Enterprise's salad bar malfunctioning.
"It is all right, captian. while I was scanning the cluster,
my underwear seems to have been jerked upward, causing..."
"Spock, Spock" kirk interrupted." Are you telling me you
just got a wedgie? That's impossible. McCoy was nowhere near you.
he isn't even on the bridge!" Kirk said
"Not so, Jim!" Said McCoy. Kirk watched amazed, as McCoy
popped out of nothingness on the bridge. "Scotty was
experimenting with the transporters, so I got him to beam my hand
up here, to give Spock his little wedge-o-rama, then beam me up
just after. neat, huh?" McCoy was all smiles, breathing all over
the bridge. the stink of alcohol was prominent.
"Doctor, have you been driking?" asked Kirk.
"ah, nooo, this is a new mouthwash. It's called 'eau d'ho'
Really classy, huh?"
"Doctor, as you know, assault on a superior officer is an
offense." Spock said. "You must consider yourself under
arrest..."
"No way! I'm not under arrest! besides the captian's my best
freind! isn't that right, Jimmy?" McCoy knew he would win this
little one. Kirk agreed that some relaxing of regs was going to
be done so this mission could be carried out more efficently. He
was moving up to talk to Spock, then shouted 'NOW!' and they both
grabbed spock. McCoy hypo'ed him, and he promptly fell to the
floor, unconscious.
"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Kirk. McCoy
nodded, and they carried him off the bridge. If the practical
joke wars were going to start up on his ship, Kirk didn't want to
be outclassed by a bunch of junior cadets. As they left the
bridge, Kirk put Chekov in command, ignoring his comment that the
art of practical joking was invented by a little old lady from
Lenningrad.
"we have arrived at the Polaria cluster, Captian." said
data.
"Excellent, commander. Begin standard scanning pattern 45."
Pikard ordered, smiling.
Data looked puzzled. "Captian, we do not have such an
established scanning pattern."
"Data, don't you remember the update sent on scanning
patterns from command?" Pikard sounded concerned.
"No, sir, I do not. Perhaps my memory has not fully
recovered from the damage done to it by That Sutteran, who
blanked the crew's memory to take the Enterprise."
"Perhaps you are right, Data, tell you what, just start
pattern 23." Pikard said this, then whispered to Riker "Got 'im
that time, pay up." Riker paid him. Pikard had finnaly gotten
Data flustered about something. There's hope yet.
"Course laid in and engaged, captian. At least *I* still
have my memory of the things I did while I was under the effect
of the shipwide memory blankout." said Roe, from the nav station.
As she said this, she slyly glanced back at Riker, who winced at
her look. She was going to have fun teasing him about last week'
episode.
"Sir, security reports a disturbance in security. It seems
Mr. Data has consumed radioactive food and is acting strangely."
Worf said.
"Contaminated food? How did it get contaminated?" asked
Pikard. just then Wesley groaned.
"Sir, " said Wes "I think I had something to do with that.
You see, I was doing an experiment for my energy dynamics class.
I put a photon torpedo in the galley, to see the effects it would
have when the crew was poisoned."
"You poisoned the crew, for an experiment?!" Pikard
screamed. When Wes nodded, Pikard gave him a good slap to the
head. Then he piked Wes out of his seat, and punched him, laying
him out on the floor. Pikard started kicking him, and soon Riker
joined in. Pretty soon everyone was having fun dancing on Wes's
body, and Riker was just tying the noose when he remembered Data.
He told worf to follow him to ten-forward, where the security
report said Data was.
When they got there, Riker said to worf, "Was there any
report of just what Data was doing?"
"No sir. It said he was not behaving dangerously, just
oddly." Worf looked dissapointed, and Riker picked up on it.
"Don't worry, worf. I'm sure you'll be able to shoot at
smoething before this is over." Worf visibly cheered up at this,
and they went throught the doors.
"Hooo-kay, boyeee, get this!" Data said as he jumped across
the room to the crowd of terrified people and hugged the nearest
woman to him. "I'm so sad. but you love me, right?" Data asked
her. she nodded, and glanced over at Riker and Worf. Data noticed
them, and ran over. "Hi!" he said. "I love you both. sit down and
tell me strange things that start with an 's'."
"hmmm. On second thought, Worf. Hose him."
"YES SIR!" Worf hadn't been this happy since the day his
mother beat him silly for his birthday. He drew his phaser and
zapped Data, who fell to the floor.
On the Enterprise A, things were progressing as normal. They
had been examining the time anomaly, and nobody had even noticed
that spock was missing. Chekov was off the bridge, in engineering
with Scotty.
"And then, " said Chekov, "Kirk just takes meester Spock off
the bridge, and McCoy with heem. I hawen't seen heem seence."
"Don't worry, son. Spock is like a corpse in a river. He may
dissappear, and someone may worry, but he'll pop up sooner or
later, and everyone will forget him." Scott said. It was time
like these that Scott was glad he picked up that wise sayings
book in regulus.
"But Meeser Scott, aren't you vorried about him? " Chekov
asked.
"Not at all. It was probably just a practical joke. Now get
ready, the camera's about to start." he pointed to a vidcam set
up, aimed at them on the couch. when the red light came on, that
meant they were live, being broadcast to every planet in the
federation. As the free acess subspace channel ad was on, Scott
took his guitar and got ready. Chekov did the same with his
drumsticks. when the announcement was over, they screamed
'Pavel's world, Pavel's world, Party on Pavel, Party on Monty'
Their latest episode had begun.
Spock woke up in a turbo lift. Looking around, he started to
remember what had led up to this situation. He was wondering
about the value of just knocking someone out and stiking them on
a lift until he stood up. Kirk and McCoy had stripped him, and
put him in a dress. searching his pockets, Spock found only a
quarter in one of them. as the turbolift stopped, Spock looked at
the doors and saw his reflection. They had put makeup on him. As
the doors opened, the ensign who was talking to her freinds
stopped, looked at Spock, and passed out. The others cracked up
laughing, and Spock walked past them, trying to hide his face.
When he got to his quarters, they were locked, and he had to pick
the lock with the quarter. Thirty minutes later he emerged, in
proper uniform this time, and slipped into a service accessway to
plan his revenge.
The Enterprise D had just completed their survey of the time
Anomaly. Therefore, the Red alert sounded just then.
"Bridge, this is Pikard. What's the problem up there?"
"Captian, this is Riker. we were just finishing up the scans
of the time ripples when one of them struck us. Data has
recovered, and seems to think that we were transported through
time somehow. "
"Very well, number one. I'll be up shortly." Pikard got out
of bed, and put on his uniform.
"What's wrong, Jean-Luc?" asked Beverly Crusher.
"Probably nothing, Bev. Go back to sleep." Jean-Luc made a
mental note to serve red max wine more often when they had dinner
together.
As he arrived on the bridge, he had to tell everyone to get
away from Mr. Worf's station, again. he went over to Worf. "Mr.
Worf, just what is it that makes your station so interesting? I
mean, there isnn't even a... then he noticed he could see down
Troi's top, and grinned. He looked at Worf, and smiled. Looked
like Worf was adapting to starfleet after all.
Pikard sat down in his chair. "Status, number one."
"Yes sir. we were enveloped in a piece from the time anomaly
and the sensor maps changed. It would seem that we have travelled
back in time roughly eighty years."
"Eighty years?" Pikard asked.
"yupperino, captian." iker replied. "That means we're in the
Enterprise A's time.
Pikard smiled and gave the order to search for the
Enterprise A, then glanced down. "Hasn't anybody removed Wesley's
body yet?" Pikard asked to the bridge in general. Worf stepped up
to him, apologized, and promptly picked Wes up and tried stuffing
him into the disposal chute. He wouldn't fit, so he just tossed
him in Pikard's ready-room.
Pikard went to the door of the bridge washroom. "I'll be
reading, Number one. Inform me as soon as we locate the
Enterprise A. " Pikard was thirsty for his revenge.
But the Enterprise A found them first.
"Keptin, I am reading another starship in the sector.
Captian! it is the Enterprise A! they found us!" said Chekov from
the science station.
"Red alert, raise shields." said Kirk. "bring us around
behind them."
When the Enterprise A was in position, Kirk asked, "Do they
know we're back here yet?"
"No, Keptin." said Chekov.
"Ok, then. prepare a boarding party. I want full armaments.
Uhura, pipe me through the ship."
"You're on, sir." Uhura said
"Crew, this is the captian. We are sending a boarding party
to try to capture the Enterprise D. Let's kick these guys
friggin' ass, boiz!"
The boarding party gathered in the transporter room, and
beamed over. Materializing on the Bridge, Kirk, Chekov, and three
security men drew their phasers and pointed them at the crew on
the bridge of the Enterprise D. "All right, freeze! Everyone get
back or we'll shoot!" said Kirk. The Bridge crew complied, but
Kirk noticed something. "Hey, Where's Pikard? " he asked.
"He's uh, gone. I don't know where. "Riker said. He knew
that if the captian wasn't captured, there may yet be hope.
"But commander, don't you remember? The captian went to the
bathroom right over there." Worf said. Everyone in the Enterprise
D's bridge crew moaned and slapped their foreheads. Worf looked
around nervously. "oops." He said. After Kirk had gotten Pikard
out of the bathroom, he surveyed them all.
"Well, Pikard, looks like i win after all, Don't I?" gloated
Kirk. "Ok, set phasers to kill. Let's blast them and take this
ship." Kirk ordered the security men.
The men drew their phasers and aimed them at the bridge crew
of the Enterprise D. The pulled the triggerrs on the phasers- and
they fell apart in their hands. Nobody was more surprised than
Kikr.
"Damnit!" He yelled. "Dribble phasers! This could only be
the work of Spock!" Just then, Spock's face appeared on the
viewscreen.
"Well, Jim, seems I have the upper hand." The screen
blanked, and the Enterprise A fired her phasers, but against the
Enterprise D's hull, all they did was put black marks across the
flame job they had painted on at starbase 54.
The screen came back on right after. Spock didn't look so
pleased this time. "ahhh, Captian, I must report myself for being
bad. Sorry"
"Beam me back Spock." Kirk said. "this boarding party has
failed.
"No way, Kirk. You tried to Kill all of us. You won't get
away with this." said pikard.
"oh, yeah, sorry about that," said kirk "guess i haven't
been feeling that well lately."
"Never mind, you may leave." Pikard said, then he whispered
to Riker "As soon as he is back on the Enterprise A, disable her
warp drive and put her in a tractor beam.
Kirk and the rest of his men dissolved in the transporter
beam. when they were gone, pikard yelled" fire phasers! disable
them!" two beams erupted from the saucer section, and cut the
warp nacelles cleanly away from the Enterprise A.
"Now let's have some fun!" said Pikard as the tractor beam
locked on. He ordered a series of fast manouvers, heavy on the
dips and rolls, until every single person on the Enterprise A was
bazooka barfing at full pressure.
When pikard came up on the screen, which was covered with
puke, he laughed.
"Well, Kirk. It would seem that your inertial dampener is
not so powerful as ours is. Do you surrender?"
Kirk looked up from his chair's built-in puke receptor.
"Fine Pikard. Have it your way. We surrender." Just then the
Enterprise A broke away from the tractor beam, to the amazement
of the crews of both ships. The Enterprise A swung off and to the
front of the Enterprise D on her impulse engines, and this time
fired photons. they struck the navigational array, and destroyed
it. kirk was frantically trying to figure out who was doing this,
while Pikard was trying frantically to raise his shields.
The Enterprise A fired again, and hit her warp engines. She
lost her warp drive then, as well. While the bridge of the
Enterprise D was in flames, Spock's picture again appeared on the
veiwscreen.
"Well, Pikard. I knew you would try to take this ship once
Kirk returned to it, but I took it back. Yo ustill have your
superior weapons and can destroy this ship, but what will that
avail you? your navigational arry is gone. you can go nowhere,
even if you had your warp drive. There is nothing left for you
but to return to your time through the time anomaly we are near,
and call for help. You may have outraced us once, but I am the
winner here.
Pikard was flabbergasted. he was blown away. "ahh, but, um,
you see..." was all he could get out. Riker stepped in.
"Fine Spock, you win for now. but rest assured, You haven't
seen the last of us." Riker cut the connection, and manouvered
the Enterprise D back to her own time. "Fine. "he thought to
himself. "Score: D=1, A=1. But watch out for the tiebreaker."
The End
Standard copyright stuff,
etc.
From: vt102@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: A meets D (Repost, ask and ye shall get)
Message-ID: <1992Feb26.122121.3813@ac.dal.ca>
Date: 26 Feb 92 16:21:21 GMT
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Lines: 477
It was a cold night. Absolutely cold. Absolutely dark, and
very very empty. In the distance, if there had been eyes to see
it, they would have seen a sight that few people at all ever see
(unless they go to movies a lot).
Travelling at well over warp one, warp two, or a whole lot
of other warp factors, came the U.S.S. Enterprise, NCC-1701-D,
the new version, and we shall follow them through their newest
adventure on board the new enterprise, in this,
STAR TREK, THE NEXT GENERATION MEETS THE FIRST GENERATION (AND
MAYBE SOME IN BETWEEN) THE MOTION PICTURE (EVEN THOUGH IT'S
REALLY THE SEVENTH STAR TREK FILM).
"Captain's log, stardate 4321.0. We have been in orbit of
the Earth of 1991 for two weeks. after we came here to escape the
Federation's pursuits of the Enterprise after our saving of the
klingon-human peace treaty. They wanted to decommission this
vessel, but they will not succeed. I intend to run until I can no
longer, or until my toupee needs washing."
With a satisfied look on his face, Captain James Tiberius
Kirk replaced the automated log recording module into its
receptacle, and looked at the viewscreen. It was currently
showing a view of a drive-in movie somewhere outside San
Francisco. "It's a bitch to park this thing in one of those
little spaces, and why try to sneak the entire crew into the
trunk of a car when we can watch it from orbit anyway?" Kirk had
said to Spock in their token argument over laws. On the bridge
were Kirk, Spock, Chekov, and ensign Booger, manning the helm in
Sulu's absence. As usual, Chekov was staring intently at the
screen while Spock and Kirk made bets as to how long it would
take for him to blink.
"Captain, I find it most unusual as to why Mr. Chekov would
not desire to blink his eyes while regarding the movie.
Furthermore, It seems totally illogical that he would be so
interested in the human sexual act anyway. Five credits says he
won't blink till it's over." said Spock in his dry way.
"Spock, how can you say that? of course he's staring at the
movie! This is Debbie does Dallas! It's a classic! how can one
not stare? By the way, Spock, why are you still calling me
Captain? Try to be more casual."
Spock thought this over. Naturally, the captain would side
with Chekov, they were both human. And as for his being more
casual in the future, he would try his best given the research
into this era's slang and popular speech he had done.
"Mr Scott, this is Kirk. why don't you come up to the
bridge, we should be trying to get back home soon, and I want to
make one final bet before we leave. Chekov looks like he's in
some kind of coma."
"Well, sirrr, I'll trrry mae best, but Ae dinna know if Ae
can make it up now. Put me down for twenty though." came out of
Scotty's voice, down in engineering.
"Very well, mr. Scott, I'll put you on the board. You should
make it up sometime though, come on, try it! you may like it!"
"Er, well, sir, Ae'll trrry, but Ae'm going over some,
aaahhh, things down here, and Ae'll drop up later. hee hee"
"Mr Scott, was that a laugh I heard? A female laugh? One
that sounded in the midst of sexual ecstasy?" Kirk looked into
the intercom.
"Ahhhhh, no sirjustanoisemustgonowScottout"
Kirk smiled to himself in happiness. "It's about time that
bastard got laid" he thought to himself. "Spock, are your
calculations ready for the return to our own time period yet?"
Spock turned from his station to look at Kirk. "better try
some of that casual speech now" thought Spock to himself.
"Kirkaromski, asking for the calculations, yeah baron von
kirk miester, the big Kman, Kirk-a-lurky, one and only
kirkalonious, Evel Kirkaneviel, yeah."
"Ah, Mr Spock, what do you think you're doing?"
"Jimboooooo, asking me what I'm doing, the space stud, the
man in charge, the grand fromage homme, Lord duke Jim."
"Mr Spock maybe you can try a different for of casual speech
next time. do you have those calculations?"
"Sorry sir. The calculations are ready. I guessed the hell
out of them this time."
"Good work, Spock. We leave orbit in one hour be ready."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Captain's log, stardate 8943.2. The Enterprise has been
ordered to starbase 126352347651293864196 in order to pick up a
former crewman and friend -Wesley Crusher, and take him on as a
fully commissioned member of the crew. His results at his
graduation were revealed to be the best ever, and it is for this
reason that I have given him his old spot on the bridge, as
helmsman. While we are at starbase 126352347651293864196, we will
also be fitted with a new type of experimental warp drive, said
to be able to produce speeds greater than transwarp drive and
even greater that the rise of inflation."
"Captain, I'm picking up our destination on sensors now.
should we place in a standard orbit around the starbase, sir?"
"No Data, let's try something a little different, shall we?
I want you to initiate a saucer separation and place the
stardrive section in orbit backwards, and the saucer rolling
along behind it. Understood?"
"Very well, sir. Saucer now separated, settling into planned
orbit now."
"Damn! thought Pickard to himself."Nothing fazes him!"
Pikard looked at the broadly grinning face of Riker, and
grudgingly handed him ten credits. "Next time, Will." Said
Pikard.
In engineering, Laforge looked lovingly at the diagrams of
the ship on the wall before him. Then, removing his visor, he
took a strip of paper, turned around three times, then wildly
stuck the paper on the wall. On the paper was a picture of a warp
Nacelle. Putting his visor back on, he looked at dismay at where
he had put it. it wasn't even touching the ship. "Well, Reg,
looks like you win again." he said to Reg Barkley. "I'm getting
tired of this game. There must be some better way of passing time
than playing pin the engine on the ship."
"Well," said Barkley "We could go down to La Holodeck for
some fun and times." said Barkley with an expectant look on his
face. "Wanna go?"
"Sure, sounds great. Let's go." said Laforge as they walked
out.
hey arrived on holodeck 4, the largest one on the ship. It
was lucky for them it wasn't booked. "what program do you want to
run, Reg? sports?" asked Laforge. He felt like a good game of B-
ball.
"Ah, sure, Geordi, let's try one of mine." said Barkley
absent-mindedly." Doesn't matter which one, I guess."
"Fine," said Laforge. "Computer, Initiate Barkley sports
program, random selection."
"Acknowledged, initiating program five." said the computer.
For a minute, Barkley waited, the looked shocked. "NO!
COMPUTER! CANCEL PROGRAM FI-" It was too late. Before them stood
Deanna Troi, wearing a leather bodysuit with holes cut for the
breasts and crotch. She was holding a whip, and screaming for the
two of them to take of their clothes before the program stopped
and then disappeared, leaving Geordi and Barkley to stare at each
other.
"Ah, Geordi, let me explain. You see, ..."
"Don't try to explain Reg. I don't want to know. Tell you
what. you go back to engineering, I'll catch up in a little
while. Since I'm here, I may as well get some work done. "
After Barkley left, Geordi looked around, and moved to go
himself. before he got to the door, he said "Computer, copy
program Barkley five and name the duplicate Geordi five-b."
He was about to do a test run before the red alert sounded.
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
On the bridge, Everything was as normal, except there
was a red alert on and every one was desperately trying to
perform their duties, report to the captain, and think of an
excuse to stand beside Worf so that they could look down Troi's
uniform top like he always does.
Pikard came out of his ready room and moved for the command
chair. He was about to ask what had caused the alert when he saw
it on the screen himself. There was a greenish nebula-like haze
in front of the ship, also orbiting starbase 2634673547365167.
"Data, reunite the saucer section, and raise shields. Riker,
I want you to- Riker? What the devil is everyone doing at Mr
Worf's station? Riker, get down here!"
Everyone looked startled, then cleared their throats in
unison and shuffled off to their stations, leaving worf to look
pleased and Troi looking confused at what every man on the bridge
found so interesting about Worf's console. When Riker sat down
next to Pikard, he said, "Captain, this mass appeared in orbit a
few minutes ago. I sounded the red alert when Lt. Worf detected a
solid mass forming in the centre of it."
"very well. Mr. Worf, what do sensors show now?"
"Still indeterminate yet, sir, but it seems to be a
starfleet vessel of the constitution class, with some battle
damage, and a bad paint job." Said Worf in his subwoofer voice.
All eyes but Worf's were fixed on the viewscreen. In the
middle of the mass, a ship came out. everyone recognized it
instantly, except for Wesley, but that was only because he didn't
have his contacts in.
"it's the enterprise A!" said Riker loudly. the intercom
buzzed.
"Captain" said Guinan from the intercom" Is everything all
right up there?"
"Guinan, what do you mean?"
"Well, this doesn't seem right somehow."
"OF COURSE IT'S NOT RIGHT YOU DIZZY BITCH! A STARSHIP JUST
CAME OUT OF A TIMEWARP STRAIGHT AT US! DOES THAT SOUND NORMAL TO
YOU?"
"Actually Captain, I meant it seems a little hot. Could you
turn down the ship's thermostat a little?"
"Oh, sorry. there." said Pikard, twisting the big dial that
took up the entire left panel on the arm of his chair. The knob
on his other panel was what switched the main viewscreen between
an external view and HBO.
"My God! " said Pikard. "Is that what I think it is? Is
that the Enterprise A?"
"Wasn't that ship destroyed years ago?" asked Wesley,
squinting at the screen in between putting in his contacts.
"That is correct Wesley. The Enterprise A was destroyed
exactly 87.346744743 years ago in battle with the Ferengi, after
the Federation's first contact with that race."
"Recommend we destroy that ship, and take their women, sir."
said Worf in his usual manner.
"Mr Worf, that is one thing we cannot do. By destroying that
ship, we may be damaging the future. And besides, how can we get
their women? we can't beam them out , their shields are up." Said
Pikard.
"Data, transmit to the Enterprise A: This is Jean-Luc Pikard
of the Enterpr- I mean the, ahhh, boob! yes, that's it! This is
The Boob. Do you require assistance?"
On Board the Enterprise A things were just as bad.
"Spock, sensor scan. What kind of Ship is that? " Said Kirk.
"Big one" Thought Spock as he leaned over his sensor hood
and hoped that McCoy wouldn't take this opportunity to goose him
like he usually does. "The ship conforms to starfleet
construction standards, sir, but there have been many
advancements made. Also, I detect a WHOA!" Spock yelled and stood
straight, everyone on the bridge looking at him and McCoy,
standing behind him and trying to hold in his laughter and still
stand up.
"Doctor, please. this is serious. Spock?" said Kirk.
"Yes, sir. As I said, that could be a federation vessel in
the future. It is probable that we have overshot our mark in the
time jump and have arrived in the future. That could be the next
class of starship."
"Right. Send to the unknown ship. This is the starship
Enterprise. We are lowering shields and allowing you to beam
over."
Riker turned to Pikard. "Captain, I want to get over there."
"Make it so, number one. " said Pikard.
Riker Stood up, and surveyed the bridge personnel. "Data,
Worf, Deanna, let's go."
Beaming directly to the bridge of the Enterprise A, the away
team startled the crew quite a bit...
"AAAAAAAA!" screamed Kirk, as Troi's busom appeared directly
if front of him. Chekov instantly looked her over, and got his
stare started up again. They didn't find Worf quite as
attractive.
"What the hell is a Klingon doing on my ship?! Get him off!"
Yelled Kirk.
"Captain, I'm Wil Riker, First officer of the Enterprise. In
the future, the Klingons are our allies. I think the best course
of action here is to get you all back to your own proper time
period so that the timelines won't be distorted any more than
they have to be. For these reasons, I think it best if nobody
from your ship beams over to the Enterprise D, and we isolate
ourselves as well, in order to prevent the kind of thing your
weapons officer is trying."
All eyes turned to Chekov, where he was leaning over his
console, talking to troi and sneaking in a quick feel where
possible. He was about done his contour mapping of her body when
Riker landed a hand to the back of his head. "Lay off, Russkie!
she's my babe! Go find yourself some cheap sweatie down in
engineering or something!" He bellowed, causing Chekov to bolt
for the turbolift. just before the doors closed, he gave his
destination. "deck fifteen, Lighthouse section!"
"Well, then, I guess that's that. I agree totally with you,
Riker. I'll not beam any of my crew over to your ship, and you
will do likewise, except to go back yourselves. But this I have
to know: who wins the world series, 2344?" Said Kirk.
"Well, ahem, ahh, I really should be going now." Tapping his
communicator, he said to beam back the away team."We'll contact
you when we have our calculations done. by the way, the winners
are ..." Just then the transporter cut in, and the team vanished.
"God damn it! Why do the transporters always make things so
frigging hard for me to find out things?!!" Asked Kirk.
"Captain, I do not think you should have asked such a thing
of Riker. He is a Starfleet officer, and it is against
regulations for us to gamble, or to condone it." Said Spock.
"What the hell do you think we were doing while Chekov was
watching that movie then, you stupid pointy-eared dry faced never
laughing green blooded quim head?" asked McCoy angrily.
"Doctor, It is illogical for you to think you can insult me
by calling me green blooded, since that is what I am, and nothing
can change the fact. It would be as fruitless for me to attempt
to insult you by reminding you of your IDIOTIC PRACTICE OF
FEELING UP YOUR FEMALE PATIENTS EVERY TIME THEY GO UNDER
ANISTETHIC!!!!"
"Oh yeah? Well I wouldn't feel you up if you were a female
deltan, you freak!" screamed McCoy.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen, that's enough of that for now. Spock,
call Chekov back to the bridge, and assume a standard orbit
behind the Enterprise D. Doctor, I want you to apologize to
Spock."
"Why do I always have to apologize? He always starts it!"
asked McCoy
"Come on doctor, do it." said Kirk.
"Oh, all right. Spock, I'm sorry you're a quim head" McCoy
said, then ran laughing off the bridge before anyone could catch
him.
Back on the Enterprise D the away team had just gotten back
to the bridge. Riker took his seat, and let out the hugest
farting noise anyone has ever heard. Getting up, he grabbed the
woopie cushion and held it in the air.
"All right, who's the wise guy?" He asked.
"snicker snicker"
"Lt. commander Data, is something funny?" said Riker.
"No sir, I think I may have(snicker) gas. "
"I see, well, see that you get yourself fixed." said Riker
as he sat back down in his seat, on a second woopie cushion. At
this, the entire bridge crew erupted in laughter, even Pikard.
"No damn respect" Riker said to himself under his breath.
"Captain, the starbase has completed the installation of our
new experimental warp drive and we are to proceed to the Beluga
sector, there to begin testing after we assist the return of the
Enterprise A to its proper time period." reported Data.
"Very well, Data. Plot a course to the Beluga sector and
proceed at warp three. Engage."
The two starships tore off at warp three, but Kirk wasn't
too happy about that.
"Is warp three all those boneheads can manage?" asked Kirk
to himself. "Engineering, this is the captain, we're going to
race to the Beluga sector, can your damn bairns take the strain?"
"Well, sir Ae can git warp 9 and change out of 'er, but I
cannae do better than that for ye."
"Roger, Scotty. We'll do what we can." said Kirk with a
smile on his face. "prepare for top acceleration, ensign Booger."
"You got it, guy" said booger, as he put his hand on the
warp shift lever, and got ready on the clutch."
"Spock, scan the Enterprise D. What can their engines do in
comparison to ours?" queried kirk.
"Perhaps the Captian would be more receptive to a new form
of casual speech at this time." thought spock. "Well, homey," he
said, as he put on a pair of dark glasses, "She's a bitchin' ride
capie, but but don't forget that this sled can haul ass too
boyeeeeee!" As he finished his statement, he crossed his arms
with his index fingers out, as he had seen users of this dialect
do. It failed to achieve its intended affect, though, and left
the entire bridge crew to stare at him.
"What the hell did you say, Spock?" asked McCoy.
"I said we have a good chance at beating them, Doctor, did
you not understand me?"
"Understand you? I don't even know what language you were
using!" the doctor was becoming upset.
"Well, doctor, I managed to understand it, and it's a
version of YOUR language. So there."
"Oh yeah?!" McCoy said, "Come here and say that, pus-face!"
Spock was on his way to get him when he thought of a better
idea and just ripped his chair out of its mount and lobbed it at
him, across the bridge. McCoy dodged it, and started throwing
various things back, that were lying around his side of the
bridge. Spock was going for his phaser when Kirk stepped between
the two.
"All right, all right you two! Doctor, I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you to leave the bridge." Kirk said, trying to sound as
kind as he could.
"awww! You always punish me, never the Vulcan! Why do I have
to leave?" McCoy said.
"Spock stays because he works here, now go!" Kirk said, now
getting angry himself.
McCoy pouted, then shruged off the bridge.
"Engine room, begin buildup for jump." said Kirk into his
chair.
"Aye'Aye sir." said Scott and turned off the intercomm. He
got up, and moved over to a large lever set into the floor in the
center of engineering. "All right, yae dirty dictator, you want
speed, here it is!" scott said and pulled the lever from "NORMAL
USE" past "FAST" and "REAL FAST" right into "SUCK THEIR DOORS
OFF!"
On the Enterprise D, Data's sensors piked up the surge.
"Captain, I am picking up an energy buildup on the Enterprise A.
It is consistent with the buildup needed for a sudden jump in
warp speed." he said, worried. "I think they want to race" he
said.
"So they want to race do they?" said Riker. What do you
think sir?"
"Well, we can't let that bunch of old men go back in time
without showing them who's boss, can we?" Engineering, this is
Pikard. Prepare to engage maximum warp."
For a while, the two ships stayed at warp three alongside
each other, revving their warp engines, and the crews of each
ship gathered in the windows facing the other vessel, and giving
them the finger, and other assorted rude gestures. Then the
Enterprise A took a long run, and shot out a good two lengths in
front of the Enterprise D. Pikard took this as the final straw,
and ordered warp 9. The Enterprise D's engines flashed a blue
light, then the ship stretched out like it was made of rubber,
then snapped away at warp 9. On the viewscreen of the Enterprise
A, the crew watched, amazed.
"Great warp effect." said chekov.
"OK, that tears it!" said kirk, and got on the intercom.
"All hands, prepare for warp 9.5! Scotty, let's get those
bastards!"
The Enterprise A whimpered, then took off down a tunnel of
pretty rainbows.
"Captain, the Enterprise A has accelerated to warp 9.5, and
is gaining on us! At her present speed, she will overtake us in-
oops, there she goes." on the viewscreen, the Enterprise A shot
by, with the words 'Eat Our Warp Field' hastily painted along her
back. Pikard took one look at this, and turned to Data.
"Data! can we catch them?"
"We are now at warp 9.65, sir. we will catch them in ten
seconds. " said Data, but then he looked at his console. "
Captain! the Enterprise A has now accelerated to warp 9.9!" She's
getting away!"
Pikard jumped from his seat, and strode to the centre of the
bridge, between the ops and navigation consoles. "Damn them Data!
go to warp 9.999!"
" Aye, sir, warp 9.999 engaged." data checked his readings,
then looked at Pikard. "Captain, the Enterprise A has matched our
speed and is still out in front."
" By how far?" asked Pikard.
"Approximately 230.328646856 kilometres, sir."
"Time to the Beluga sector?"
"Our E.T.A. is now one hour, thirty eight minutes, sir."
"Pikard to engineering. Mr Laforge, I want you to engage the
new experimental warp drive. We can't let ourselves get beaten by
a starship almost eighty years old!"
"Yes, sir. I'll power up the new drive, and have it engaged
in about a minute." said Laforge over the intercom.
Down in Engineering, Laforge strode around, looking over
everyone's shoulders. "Ok, people, I want the new drive running
now! let's go!"
Laforge sat at his console and began diverting power from
the ship's schools and civilian section life support to the new
warp drive. Designed by professor Mitchell, Graduate of the
Bill&Ted Institute of awesome engineering, the new warp engines
could propel the ship to into 'Gnarlywarp', said to be even
faster than the Boguswarp drive, which failed in the experimental
stages. Laforge powered them up, checked the circuits, and
engaged the drive.
On the screen of the Enterprise A, the Enterprise D emitted
an even bigger flash from her engines, red this time, then
stretched away from the Enterprise A again, corkscrewing this
time. Seeing this, Kirk knew he was beaten. He slumped into his
seat, and ordered to proceed to the Beluga sector. When they got
there, the Enterprise D was sitting in the centre of the sector,
revving their engines and locking up the front space brakes so
that the ship peeled around in circles. When the Enterprise A
approached, it stopped spinning, and came to a rest so that the
two ships faced each other.
"Captain Pikard, this is Kirk. You won this time, but you
cheated by using those special engines. Next time, I'll have the
Excelsior. "
Pikard stood, looking at Kirk on the screen. "We'll see,
Kirk." he said, turning to worf and running his hand by his neck.
Worf cut the connection, and Pikard went back to his seat.
"Data, transmit the coordinates of the black star to the
enterprise A, and tell them that they may proceed with the
timewarp any time."
"Aye sir, the Enterprise A has received the transmission and
is proceeding to the specified coordinates."
"Transporter room, this is Kirk. do we have that little
suprise ready?"
"Aye, sir. Ready to go."
"Energize." said Kirk, kowing he would have the last word
for now.
As the Enterprise A shot around the star and back to its own
time, Pikard turned to Riker and sighed in relief. "Well, thank
God that's over." he said to Riker. "Pikard to engineering, how
did the new engines perform?"
"Well enough to send that old crate packing, sir. It was a
good test. Recommend that we return to starbase
126352347651293864196 and report."
Pikard was about to agree, but then the bridge was filled
with the faint humming of a transporter beam, which grew steadily
louder. Seconds later, the bridge was filled to the ceiling with
tribbles, Clogging LaForge's visor, making annoying squishing
noises under Data's feet, and chasing Worf into a corner with a
trrified look on his face.
"Data! forget the starbase! beam these things off my
bridge!" Pikard ordered.
After the tribbles had disappeared, Pikard sat in his chair,
annoyed. "Data, I want you to start making calculations for a
time jump. We're going after those bastards!"
Minutes later, they were ready. Data plotted the course, and
Wesley came back from the bathroom. He was spending more and more
of his time there these days.
"Data" Pikard said, "let's get those pricks once and for
all! Gnarlywarp factor 5. Engage."
LA END for now.
Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!ispd-newsserver!psinntp!nstn.ns.ca!ac.dal.ca!vt102
From: vt102@ac.dal.ca
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: A meetds D THE SEQUEL
Message-ID: <1992Feb24.214212.3783@ac.dal.ca>
Date: 24 Feb 92 21:42:11 -0400
Organization: Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
Lines: 299
A Meets D II, The Wrath of Spock
By: Steve Tonner
"Captain's log, stardate 3675.9. The enterprise has been
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a strange rippling
effect in time. If studies of this time disruption are
successful, Starfleet intends to use it for research into
historical matters and my revenge against Kirk for his little
joke." Pikard stabbed the log button with his thumb, noticing a
tuft of fur under the button. " Those tribbles Kirk beamed over
are still bugging me, even though they were all gotten rid of. If
this plan works, Kirk will be VERY sorry." thought Pikard to
himself.
The Enterprise D Would arrive at her destination in three
hours.
"Captian's log, stardate 1234.5. The Enterprise has been
ordered to the polaria cluster to investigate a rippling
distortion in time itself. Mr Spock seems to think it could be a
gateway that had to have been artificialy created. As a personal
aside, I am growing concerned about Spock. His attempts to use
more personal speech forms have grown worse and worse since our
encounter with the Enterprise D, and if this keeps up I will have
to do something about it." Kirk stopped the recording on his log
module and looked thoughtful. when they got to the cluster,
things on the ship would relax, since they'd be hanging around
the cluster for weeks researching it. Practical jokes are
definetley going to increase, eventually getting out of hand.
Kirk hoped he wouldn't have to stop things without resorting to
disintegration. Just then, Spock screamed. all eyes turned to
him. He was hopping around at his station, eyes wide.
"Spock! what is it? Are you all right?" kirk asked. the last
time this happened, it turned out to be a premonition of the
Enterprise's salad bar malfunctioning.
"It is all right, captian. while I was scanning the cluster,
my underwear seems to have been jerked upward, causing..."
"Spock, Spock" kirk interrupted." Are you telling me you
just got a wedgie? That's impossible. McCoy was nowhere near you.
he isn't even on the bridge!" Kirk said
"Not so, Jim!" Said McCoy. Kirk watched amazed, as McCoy
popped out of nothingness on the bridge. "Scotty was
experimenting with the transporters, so I got him to beam my hand
up here, to give Spock his little wedge-o-rama, then beam me up
just after. neat, huh?" McCoy was all smiles, breathing all over
the bridge. the stink of alcohol was prominent.
"Doctor, have you been driking?" asked Kirk.
"ah, nooo, this is a new mouthwash. It's called 'eau d'ho'
Really classy, huh?"
"Doctor, as you know, assault on a superior officer is an
offense." Spock said. "You must consider yourself under
arrest..."
"No way! I'm not under arrest! besides the captian's my best
freind! isn't that right, Jimmy?" McCoy knew he would win this
little one. Kirk agreed that some relaxing of regs was going to
be done so this mission could be carried out more efficently. He
was moving up to talk to Spock, then shouted 'NOW!' and they both
grabbed spock. McCoy hypo'ed him, and he promptly fell to the
floor, unconscious.
"Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?" asked Kirk. McCoy
nodded, and they carried him off the bridge. If the practical
joke wars were going to start up on his ship, Kirk didn't want to
be outclassed by a bunch of junior cadets. As they left the
bridge, Kirk put Chekov in command, ignoring his comment that the
art of practical joking was invented by a little old lady from
Lenningrad.
"we have arrived at the Polaria cluster, Captian." said
data.
"Excellent, commander. Begin standard scanning pattern 45."
Pikard ordered, smiling.
Data looked puzzled. "Captian, we do not have such an
established scanning pattern."
"Data, don't you remember the update sent on scanning
patterns from command?" Pikard sounded concerned.
"No, sir, I do not. Perhaps my memory has not fully
recovered from the damage done to it by That Sutteran, who
blanked the crew's memory to take the Enterprise."
"Perhaps you are right, Data, tell you what, just start
pattern 23." Pikard said this, then whispered to Riker "Got 'im
that time, pay up." Riker paid him. Pikard had finnaly gotten
Data flustered about something. There's hope yet.
"Course laid in and engaged, captian. At least *I* still
have my memory of the things I did while I was under the effect
of the shipwide memory blankout." said Roe, from the nav station.
As she said this, she slyly glanced back at Riker, who winced at
her look. She was going to have fun teasing him about last week'
episode.
"Sir, security reports a disturbance in security. It seems
Mr. Data has consumed radioactive food and is acting strangely."
Worf said.
"Contaminated food? How did it get contaminated?" asked
Pikard. just then Wesley groaned.
"Sir, " said Wes "I think I had something to do with that.
You see, I was doing an experiment for my energy dynamics class.
I put a photon torpedo in the galley, to see the effects it would
have when the crew was poisoned."
"You poisoned the crew, for an experiment?!" Pikard
screamed. When Wes nodded, Pikard gave him a good slap to the
head. Then he piked Wes out of his seat, and punched him, laying
him out on the floor. Pikard started kicking him, and soon Riker
joined in. Pretty soon everyone was having fun dancing on Wes's
body, and Riker was just tying the noose when he remembered Data.
He told worf to follow him to ten-forward, where the security
report said Data was.
When they got there, Riker said to worf, "Was there any
report of just what Data was doing?"
"No sir. It said he was not behaving dangerously, just
oddly." Worf looked dissapointed, and Riker picked up on it.
"Don't worry, worf. I'm sure you'll be able to shoot at
smoething before this is over." Worf visibly cheered up at this,
and they went throught the doors.
"Hooo-kay, boyeee, get this!" Data said as he jumped across
the room to the crowd of terrified people and hugged the nearest
woman to him. "I'm so sad. but you love me, right?" Data asked
her. she nodded, and glanced over at Riker and Worf. Data noticed
them, and ran over. "Hi!" he said. "I love you both. sit down and
tell me strange things that start with an 's'."
"hmmm. On second thought, Worf. Hose him."
"YES SIR!" Worf hadn't been this happy since the day his
mother beat him silly for his birthday. He drew his phaser and
zapped Data, who fell to the floor.
On the Enterprise A, things were progressing as normal. They
had been examining the time anomaly, and nobody had even noticed
that spock was missing. Chekov was off the bridge, in engineering
with Scotty.
"And then, " said Chekov, "Kirk just takes meester Spock off
the bridge, and McCoy with heem. I hawen't seen heem seence."
"Don't worry, son. Spock is like a corpse in a river. He may
dissappear, and someone may worry, but he'll pop up sooner or
later, and everyone will forget him." Scott said. It was time
like these that Scott was glad he picked up that wise sayings
book in regulus.
"But Meeser Scott, aren't you vorried about him? " Chekov
asked.
"Not at all. It was probably just a practical joke. Now get
ready, the camera's about to start." he pointed to a vidcam set
up, aimed at them on the couch. when the red light came on, that
meant they were live, being broadcast to every planet in the
federation. As the free acess subspace channel ad was on, Scott
took his guitar and got ready. Chekov did the same with his
drumsticks. when the announcement was over, they screamed
'Pavel's world, Pavel's world, Party on Pavel, Party on Monty'
Their latest episode had begun.
Spock woke up in a turbo lift. Looking around, he started to
remember what had led up to this situation. He was wondering
about the value of just knocking someone out and stiking them on
a lift until he stood up. Kirk and McCoy had stripped him, and
put him in a dress. searching his pockets, Spock found only a
quarter in one of them. as the turbolift stopped, Spock looked at
the doors and saw his reflection. They had put makeup on him. As
the doors opened, the ensign who was talking to her freinds
stopped, looked at Spock, and passed out. The others cracked up
laughing, and Spock walked past them, trying to hide his face.
When he got to his quarters, they were locked, and he had to pick
the lock with the quarter. Thirty minutes later he emerged, in
proper uniform this time, and slipped into a service accessway to
plan his revenge.
The Enterprise D had just completed their survey of the time
Anomaly. Therefore, the Red alert sounded just then.
"Bridge, this is Pikard. What's the problem up there?"
"Captian, this is Riker. we were just finishing up the scans
of the time ripples when one of them struck us. Data has
recovered, and seems to think that we were transported through
time somehow. "
"Very well, number one. I'll be up shortly." Pikard got out
of bed, and put on his uniform.
"What's wrong, Jean-Luc?" asked Beverly Crusher.
"Probably nothing, Bev. Go back to sleep." Jean-Luc made a
mental note to serve red max wine more often when they had dinner
together.
As he arrived on the bridge, he had to tell everyone to get
away from Mr. Worf's station, again. he went over to Worf. "Mr.
Worf, just what is it that makes your station so interesting? I
mean, there isnn't even a... then he noticed he could see down
Troi's top, and grinned. He looked at Worf, and smiled. Looked
like Worf was adapting to starfleet after all.
Pikard sat down in his chair. "Status, number one."
"Yes sir. we were enveloped in a piece from the time anomaly
and the sensor maps changed. It would seem that we have travelled
back in time roughly eighty years."
"Eighty years?" Pikard asked.
"yupperino, captian." iker replied. "That means we're in the
Enterprise A's time.
Pikard smiled and gave the order to search for the
Enterprise A, then glanced down. "Hasn't anybody removed Wesley's
body yet?" Pikard asked to the bridge in general. Worf stepped up
to him, apologized, and promptly picked Wes up and tried stuffing
him into the disposal chute. He wouldn't fit, so he just tossed
him in Pikard's ready-room.
Pikard went to the door of the bridge washroom. "I'll be
reading, Number one. Inform me as soon as we locate the
Enterprise A. " Pikard was thirsty for his revenge.
But the Enterprise A found them first.
"Keptin, I am reading another starship in the sector.
Captian! it is the Enterprise A! they found us!" said Chekov from
the science station.
"Red alert, raise shields." said Kirk. "bring us around
behind them."
When the Enterprise A was in position, Kirk asked, "Do they
know we're back here yet?"
"No, Keptin." said Chekov.
"Ok, then. prepare a boarding party. I want full armaments.
Uhura, pipe me through the ship."
"You're on, sir." Uhura said
"Crew, this is the captian. We are sending a boarding party
to try to capture the Enterprise D. Let's kick these guys
friggin' ass, boiz!"
The boarding party gathered in the transporter room, and
beamed over. Materializing on the Bridge, Kirk, Chekov, and three
security men drew their phasers and pointed them at the crew on
the bridge of the Enterprise D. "All right, freeze! Everyone get
back or we'll shoot!" said Kirk. The Bridge crew complied, but
Kirk noticed something. "Hey, Where's Pikard? " he asked.
"He's uh, gone. I don't know where. "Riker said. He knew
that if the captian wasn't captured, there may yet be hope.
"But commander, don't you remember? The captian went to the
bathroom right over there." Worf said. Everyone in the Enterprise
D's bridge crew moaned and slapped their foreheads. Worf looked
around nervously. "oops." He said. After Kirk had gotten Pikard
out of the bathroom, he surveyed them all.
"Well, Pikard, looks like i win after all, Don't I?" gloated
Kirk. "Ok, set phasers to kill. Let's blast them and take this
ship." Kirk ordered the security men.
The men drew their phasers and aimed them at the bridge crew
of the Enterprise D. The pulled the triggerrs on the phasers- and
they fell apart in their hands. Nobody was more surprised than
Kikr.
"Damnit!" He yelled. "Dribble phasers! This could only be
the work of Spock!" Just then, Spock's face appeared on the
viewscreen.
"Well, Jim, seems I have the upper hand." The screen
blanked, and the Enterprise A fired her phasers, but against the
Enterprise D's hull, all they did was put black marks across the
flame job they had painted on at starbase 54.
The screen came back on right after. Spock didn't look so
pleased this time. "ahhh, Captian, I must report myself for being
bad. Sorry"
"Beam me back Spock." Kirk said. "this boarding party has
failed.
"No way, Kirk. You tried to Kill all of us. You won't get
away with this." said pikard.
"oh, yeah, sorry about that," said kirk "guess i haven't
been feeling that well lately."
"Never mind, you may leave." Pikard said, then he whispered
to Riker "As soon as he is back on the Enterprise A, disable her
warp drive and put her in a tractor beam.
Kirk and the rest of his men dissolved in the transporter
beam. when they were gone, pikard yelled" fire phasers! disable
them!" two beams erupted from the saucer section, and cut the
warp nacelles cleanly away from the Enterprise A.
"Now let's have some fun!" said Pikard as the tractor beam
locked on. He ordered a series of fast manouvers, heavy on the
dips and rolls, until every single person on the Enterprise A was
bazooka barfing at full pressure.
When pikard came up on the screen, which was covered with
puke, he laughed.
"Well, Kirk. It would seem that your inertial dampener is
not so powerful as ours is. Do you surrender?"
Kirk looked up from his chair's built-in puke receptor.
"Fine Pikard. Have it your way. We surrender." Just then the
Enterprise A broke away from the tractor beam, to the amazement
of the crews of both ships. The Enterprise A swung off and to the
front of the Enterprise D on her impulse engines, and this time
fired photons. they struck the navigational array, and destroyed
it. kirk was frantically trying to figure out who was doing this,
while Pikard was trying frantically to raise his shields.
The Enterprise A fired again, and hit her warp engines. She
lost her warp drive then, as well. While the bridge of the
Enterprise D was in flames, Spock's picture again appeared on the
veiwscreen.
"Well, Pikard. I knew you would try to take this ship once
Kirk returned to it, but I took it back. Yo ustill have your
superior weapons and can destroy this ship, but what will that
avail you? your navigational arry is gone. you can go nowhere,
even if you had your warp drive. There is nothing left for you
but to return to your time through the time anomaly we are near,
and call for help. You may have outraced us once, but I am the
winner here.
Pikard was flabbergasted. he was blown away. "ahh, but, um,
you see..." was all he could get out. Riker stepped in.
"Fine Spock, you win for now. but rest assured, You haven't
seen the last of us." Riker cut the connection, and manouvered
the Enterprise D back to her own time. "Fine. "he thought to
himself. "Score: D=1, A=1. But watch out for the tiebreaker."
The End
Standard copyright stuff,
etc.
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