A STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION PARODY
A STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION PARODY
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Course: Very Long Star Trek Parody
Prerequisites: any 4 ST:TNG episodes and the following ST:TOS episodes:
Mirror, Mirror Obsession Operation -- Annihilate!
The Man Trap The Doomsday Machine The Immunity Syndrome
The Savage Curtain The Return of the Archons Miri
This Side of Paradise Charlie X ...and too many others to mention.
In case you missed last week's episode, here's the synopsis for
"The Savage Curtain, II":
While orbiting the planet Excalbia, the Enterprise is confronted by
a giant figure of Jerry Lewis in space. Since all Frenchmen revere
Lewis, Picard beams Lewis aboard. Picard gives Lewis a tour of
the ship with zany results (Jerry shuts down engines, separates saucer,
and gets his head stuck in Troi's cleavage). Then Picard and Riker transport
down to surface with Lewis where they meet Riker's favorite, David Letterman,
as well as the Three Stooges and John Candy in a giant bakery filled with
pies. They learn that they are the subjects of an experiment by rocklike
aliens who wish to understand the human concept of "slapstick humor". After
an intense pie fight, Letterman persuades the rock-creatures to do "Stupid
Alien Tricks" and the creatures are so humiliated that they release Picard
and Riker, though they hit the Enterprise with a gigantic cream pie as a
final parting shot.
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Prologue:
Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. We are heading through an
extremely dangerous region of space to pick up needed medicines
from the planet Dominos II. Our mission is routine, but I
can't shake an ominous feeling.
Wesley: Jean-Luc, sir, I've just modified our sensors again and I've
found three strange objects approaching us. And there are some
unusual sensor readings on the surface.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley! I need to expand the limits of my character and
you've interrupted what was going to be a hauntingly classic monologue.
Yar: Why didn't I get to say that? I never get to say anything.
Picard: Lt. Yar? I thought you were dead.
Yar: I got a new contract. That episode was just a dream.
[ Wesley stalks off to the turbolift; turbolift door closes and we switch
scenes to the transporter room where Wesley is tinkering with controls.
He mutters, "This'll show them" and walks to transporter pad.
We get a flash of the effect from "Mirror, Mirror" to show Wesley
is transporting to alternate universe; upon arrival, we see a
gosh-wow expression on his face as he dashes out of transporter room.
Quickly cut to original universe, where alternate Wesley materializes;
instead of a sweater, he's wearing a black leather jacket and has
scraggly tufts of facial hair. With an evil smirk, he slinks out
of the transporter room. Now return to clean-cut Wesley bursting into
sick bay, where the alternate Picard and Crusher are humping furiously.]
Wesley: Mom, I didn't know you had stretch marks!
Crusher: [uunnnhhh] OK, Jean-Luc, [oooh] space the kid.
Picard: [reaches to touch communicator on his shirt on floor] Security,
Ensign Crusher will be visiting the Agony Booth.
Wesley: The Agony Booth? What's that, is it fun?
[a topless Yar bursts in, grabs Wesley, and drags him away to the
Agony Booth; Picard and Crusher exchange a "well, that's that" glance
and proceed to go at it again.]
[Dramatic music, cut to opening sequence and commercial.]
[episode name: Where Everyone Has Gone Before]
~~~~~
ACT I
~~~~~
Riker: Well, Captain, should I just sit here and grin some more?
Picard: Hmm... should you? [he looks out at the bridge crew for suggestions]
Data: We've started receiving a distress signal from the planet.
Perhaps the Away Team should beam down.
Picard: Excellent suggestion. Make it so!
[ Troi, Riker, Yar, and Worf exit]
LaForge: Captain, a ship is approaching us.
Data: A Ferengi ship. They are hailing us.
[cut to viewscreen; Mark Lenard appears in badly botched Ferengi make-up]
Lenard: Captain Picard, I have an offer to .. to... aagh, I'm so
embarrassed. ... I... I've been a Vulcan, a Romulan, and
a Klingon, now look at me!
Picard: Stop whimpering, man, and say your lines!
Lenard: Yes, you're right. [clears throat; left ear falls off]
I have information to sell you, Captain. Information about
a great danger. Capt... [fzzt! screen goes blank]
LaForge: The Ferengi ship, it's ... vanished! I'd better go look out
the observation port to see what's happened.
Picard: Data, have the Away Team beam up at once! We must have a
staff meeting.
Crusher [from sick bay]: < Looks like we have a flu epidemic of
some sort, Jean-Luc. I'm baffled. >
[Picard stares up at ceiling as if wondering where the voice is
coming from]
[scene changes to a disheveled room ... it might be an ordinary
storage area were it not for scattered debris and bodies
littering the floor. we see the Away Team materialize.]
Riker: Readings, Yar.
Yar: One other human life form in the vicinity. All others are dead.
Troi: I sense evil! Great evil!
Worf: Do you smell something? Something sweet? A strange sickly sweetness...
Troi: I sense something soft and doughy. It has little rounds balls
of cooked flesh on it with processed dairy products. I sense
garlic and mushrooms and ... and ... anchovies ... oh, the
pain!
Yar: What do you make of that, sir? [points to a pile of take-out
pizza cartons labelled "Medicinal Use Only"]
Riker: I don't know. [opens up two cartons] It is called pizza.
Yar: What's this one with nails and broken glass in it?
Worf: Klingon pizza!! Yum! [snarfs down the whole pizza]
[ragged man bursts into room; he is wild-eyed and unshaven.]
Decker: Run away! Run away! It'll kill you all! Be gone before it's
too late! [flecks of spittle fly across the room]
Riker: Deanna, that's an old acquaintenance of mine from the Academy ... Matt
Decker, III. He was expelled for overacting. Deanna ... Deanna?
Troi: Oooh, the pain, the pain. Such unbearable acting.
Riker: Matt, what's happened? Where's the rest of your people?
Decker: On the third planet.
Riker: There is no third planet.
Decker: Don't you think I know that! [eyes glaze over and he faints]
Worf: [munching on pizza] Don't you think we should beam up these
medicines, sir? It is our primary mission.
LaForge: Sounds good to me.
Riker: Geordi? How did you get here?
LaForge: I was sent to accompany you. [sucks his knuckles]
Data: [from ship] < Commander Riker, we must beam you up immediately.
We have an emergency. >
Riker: We have a survivor and some cargo. Beam us up.
[we see TNG crew materializing in the transporter room. Bob and
Doug Mackenzie (sp?) are at the transporter controls. They are wearing standard
TNG uniforms, but with plaid shirts and stocking caps. Beer cans litter
the transporter console. Mackenzie Phillips and Spuds Mackenzie are
sitting in the corner. A "Great White North" map hangs on the wall.]
Bob: G'day, eh?
Riker: Who are you? What are you doing?
Bob: I'm Bob, hoser.
Doug: And Doug Mackenzie. Your show needs some Canadian content, eh?
Worf: Mackenize? Shouldn't you be in Engineering?
Bob: No, man, we're CANADIANS ... hey, what's that stuff on your head, eh?
Doug: Don't Canadians get to be Captain?
Bob: Doohan's Canadian, hosehead.
Doug: Take off, eh.
Bob: Well, we're just about outta brew.
Doug: Hey, have the Captain send us some brews and backbacon, eh?
[the crew starts to leave in disgust, leaving most of the pizza
cartons behind]
Doug: There's pizza, hosehead.
[they stagger to transporter pad and open pizza cartons; Spuds and
Phillips become interested.]
Bob: Do you smell something sweet?
Doug: What? Did you take a shower this year, hosehead?
Bob: Take off. Hey, this pizza topping isn't dead.
Doug: Looks like egg pizza, eh?
[ the "pizza topping" flies up into the air and sails onto Mackenzie
Phillips' back. She drops, screaming in agony. A cloud of lights
surrounds Spuds, who is instantly drained of blood.]
Bob: I could use a brew now, hosehead
Doug: Go get some, eh.
Bob: Sure, I'll get some and I'll drink it all, eh.
Doug: OK, we both go, hoser.
[They exit, with pizza bats and cloud vampire slinking behind them.]
[ Picard and Data are at a table in a meeting room. Troi, Yar,
Worf, and Riker enter. Crusher follows.]
Picard: What in the devil happened down there, Number One?
Riker: The whole staff was massacred. We found one survivor.
Crusher: I had to sedate him. He was foaming at the mouth and getting
spit all over my uniform.
Picard: We have a mystery here, don't we Data?
[ Decker bursts into room.]
Decker: Thank God I've gotten to you in time. Isolate all decks of the
ship. Watch out for the pizza bats!
Picard: Pizza bats?
Decker: Or flying frying-eggs. It doesn't matter what you call them.
You beamed them up with the pizza. They drive men insane. And
the Cloud-Vampire. Sucks all your blood out. And the Salt-Vampire.
Ha-ha-ha. We evaded the Giant Amoeba, only to be trapped by the
Planet-Killer.
Picard: The Planet-Killer?
Decker: The Doomsday Machine. It had a maw that could swallow a
DOZEN starships!
Data: [aside, to Worf] He must be talking about Lt. Yar.
Decker: It killed my crew! It killed my ship! And it drove me down
to the monsters on the planet. Down to the brink [eyes
start glazing again; crew takes the pause as an opportunity
to wipe Decker's spit off their faces] the brink of madness!
[ Decker faints; everyone sits around waiting for the others
to say something]
Picard: We have a mission. We must deliver that medicine. Those brave souls
down on Dominos guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes, and we're going to
do it!
LaForge: [entering] Sorry to be so late, Captain, but I had to look out the
observation port again. A big patch of darkness is coming up upon
us from port, and a small-planet-sized object from starboard. [sees
pizza cartons] Hey, what's that?
Riker: Geordi, don't you remember? Down on the surface?
LaForge: I wasn't down there.
Picard: Humph. Stupid script writers. Must be a continuity error.
Voice #1: [over intercom] < Lt. McGuffin in Engineering! Help! We're being
attacked by flying frying-eggs! >
Voice #2: < Engineering also. And I say they're pizza bats. >
Voice #1: < Aaaaagggghh! >
Voice #2: < Aaaaagggghh! >
[Silence.]
Picard: Number One, were those some of our Chief Engineers?
Riker: I believe so, sir. Sounds like trouble.
Troi: Great danger. We are in great danger.
Crusher: I know ... I don't know what I'm going to do about this
flu epidemic.
[Switch to the holodeck. The alternate-Wesley is tinkering with holodeck
controls. He makes some final adjustments with a smirk. The holodeck door
opens -- we sees the TOS Enterprise crew -- Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Uhura,
Chekov, Sulu, Chapel, and even Janice Rand are standing there and looking
rather confused. Wesley pulls out phaser and approaches them.]
Wesley: Greetings, my crew. I, Lord Wesley, have re-created you, the
original crew of the starship Enterprise. With me as your leader,
we will seize the Enterprise -- then the entire galaxy! Ha-ha-ha!
[dramatic music -- commercial break]
~~~~~~
ACT II
~~~~~~
[Kirk advances on Wesley aggressively]
Wesley: One more step and you're blubber, tubby.
Kirk: Now, uh, Wesley...
Wesley: That's LORD Wesley.
Kirk: Uh, your barn door's open.
[Wesley looks down at his pants; Kirk knocks the phaser from his
hand, then belts Wesley so hard that Wesley flies across the
corridor into the wall and is knocked unconscous.]
Spock: [picking up phaser] Fascinating, Captain. What appears to
be a portable vacuum cleaning device commonly known as a
"dustbuster" is actually a phaser.
Chekov: Ah, yes, that was inwented by Peter the Great.
Kirk: Bones, what do you think?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a housekeeper. I just want to know where we
are and how we got here.
Sulu: Captain, look, according to these readings, we are on the
Enterprise, but it's not any Enterprise we ever knew ...
Uhura: And look at the date ... why, it ... it ... reads 80 years
ahead of our time.
[dramatic music, focus on digital clock near holodeck control panel]
Kirk: Could it just be an extreme case of Daylight Savings Time?
Spock: No, logic tells us that we must have been catapulted into
the future by this Wesley being.
[back on the bridge]
Yar: Sir, bodies have been found on Deck 11. Completely sucked dry
of blood.
Picard: What? People aren't supposed to die on my ship. There must be
a mistake.
Crusher: Captain, we've had some other casualties. They all have strange
mottled markings on their faces. I don't think it's the flu.
Riker: Sir, what do we do?
Picard: We just had a staff meeting. I'll have to think of something.
What else can go wrong?
Data: Sir, a shuttlecraft has just left the hangar deck.
Picard: Open a --
ALL: Communications channel opened, sir.
Picard: This is Captain Picard. Identify yourselves. I want that shuttle
back here immediately.
Doug: < Just gettin' a couple of six-packs at Starbase 7-11. >
Bob: < Like, what does this button do, eh? >
Doug: < Don't touch that, hoser. >
Picard: You are to return immediately.
Bob & Doug: < Take off, hosehead! >
[shuttle disappears into the distance on viewscreen. Picard is miffed.]
Voice: [unidentified, over intercom] < There are monkey boys on the premises. >
Yar: Sir, more intruders. Near the holodeck. Shall I send a security team?
Picard: Yes, Lieutenant.
[Yar exits.]
Riker: You've got a fantastically clever strategic move planned, don't
you, sir?
Picard: [uncertainly at first, then more firmly] All in good time, Number
One, all in good time.
[ship shudders slightly.]
LaForge: Captain, look at the viewscreen! The stars are gone. I'll
go down to the observation room for a better look at it.
Data: More disturbances on the holodeck, sir. I detect Ensign Crusher's
handiwork.
Picard: Come with me, Worf. You too, Data. We'll settle this ourselves. Set
phasers to obliterate-the-little-twerp setting.
Crusher: I heard that!
[back to hallway near holodeck]
Kirk: We need answers, gentlemen. Let's split up and...
[Troi, Yar, and Crusher arrive.]
Troi: I sense a great ego. I sense another mind ...
Yar: Halt. Identify yourselves!
Kirk: [admiring Troi's ...uh... communicator] That's an interesting piece
of hardware there.
Yar: [tartly] It's her communicator.
Kirk: [admiring Troi's other ...uh... side without the communicator] I
think she should have a matching pair.
Sulu: Watch out, those are even larger than Regulan boobworms.
Chekov: Keptin, it may be werry dangerous! Let me try it out first.
Crusher: Modern medicine has cured all speech impediments. You don't have to
talk like that anymore.
Chekov: [muttering] Cossack!
Spock: Captain, I sense something, another mind.
[ Spock and Troi see each other; their eyes meet; sweet music sounds;
they draw together and mind meld]
Troi: Repressed! Uptight! Repressed! Oh, pain!
Spock: Is everyone looking at my cleavage?
McCoy: Jim, the mind meld's gone too far, we've got to stop it.
Chapel: I know what to do.
[she slaps Spock vigorously several times, with little effect. Spock
and Troi start rubbing together.]
Troi & Spock: Peace! Joy! Happiness!
[ Chapel slugs Troi, who falls, breaking the mind meld.]
Troi: [confused] Mom?
Spock: Thank you, Nurse.
Yar: You still haven't told me who you are.
[suddenly, the alternate-Wesley leaps up from the floor and grabs
Yar's phaser]
Wesley: Now, we party, gang! Heh-heh-heh. The tall blonde's first.
[ he points phaser at Rand, laughs evilly, and begins to pull
down his pants.]
Crusher: I should never have let him read those Gor books.
[ Kirk and Sulu rush to place themselves in front of Rand, but
she waves them off.]
Wesley: Come on over, babe.
[ Rand saunters over, looks down, and smirks.]
Rand: Your shoelaces are untied.
Wesley: [looks down] But I'm not wearing... oof!
[ Rand delivers stunningly painful-looking groin kick. Sulu catches
the phaser flying from Wesley's hands as he collapses in intense agony.]
Kirk: Looks like you've learned one of my old tricks, Yeoman.
Rand: Hunh. Piece of cake after Charlie X.
Yar: [shouting] Would you identify yourselves?!
Kirk: [strutting up to her] I [pause] am Captain James T. Kirk of the
starship Enterprise.
Yar: Very funny. I'll tell Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship
Enterprise.
[Kirk assumes stunned look as he realizes he's no longer captain.
McCoy rushes up to him.]
Wesley: [from the floor] He's not a captain. He's not even a man. He's
just a creation of my holodeck-transporter linkup. I assembled
and built them all. Ooof!
[ Rand and Uhura stomp on him.]
Kirk: Bones, can it be? Are we just soul-less machines, mindless
automatons? Do we still have our human essence?
McCoy: [grabs Crusher's medical scanner] It's worse than that, we're dead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what are we?
Picard: [arriving with Worf] What is all this?
Data: I believe it's acting, sir, but not acting as we know it.
Picard: Acting? More like overacting. Can you imagine Shatner doing "I,
Claudius"?
Data: Sir, memory banks indicate he was trained as a Shakespearean actor.
Picard: Baah.
[Data moves over to holodeck controls to examine what's happened.]
Chekov: [aside, to Sulu] Is that a Klingon?
Sulu: [whispering back] Yes, but the make-up is all wrong.
Worf: [growls] Kirk!
Yar: No, these are just some more of Wesley's toys.
Uhura: You ever seen a toy with soul like this? [assumes defiantly sultry
pose; Picard is non-plussed; Uhura and Rand exchange high-fives.]
Spock: Jim, I've studied the records of this ship. Due to sloppy writers,
their holodeck is capable of anything. Their Wesley character is
capable of anything. With no further facts, I can only speculate,
but it may be that we are just duplicates of The Original Series
crew.
McCoy: But our minds, what of them? What of our souls?
Spock: As I stated, I can only surmise that the Wesley being has duplicated
us exactly. Even to the point of reproducing all the irritating
characteristics of Doctor McCoy.
McCoy: I can see there was no problem copying all your circuits.
Worf: Someone fetch Data. He enjoys pointless bickering.
[Data walks back, but stops to examine Spock.]
Data: A Vulcan. Most intriguing.
Spock: An android. Fascinating.
[Data and Spock begin to circle each other.]
Data: Intriguing.
Spock: Fascinating.
[They begin to circle faster and faster, while repeating "Intriguing"
and "Fascinating." Spock steps out.]
Spock: Intriguing.
Data: Fascinating. Intriguing. Fascinating. Intriguing ...
[Worf walks over and punches Data, breaking the infinite loop.]
Chapel: Doctor, look at the Captain, he's not taking this very well.
Kirk: [miserably] My ship. My ship is gone. What does it all mean now?
What does it matter?
McCoy: Jim, get a life!
Picard: Lt. Yar, escort these hooligans away.
[Kirk numbly trails Yar and the rest of his crew follows.]
Worf: What about the boy?
Wesley: I'm not your Wesley. I'm from an alternate universe. And I'm
gettin' the fuck outta here.
Crusher: It's not my Wes, Jean-Luc. He doesn't know the F-word.
Picard: Young man, I'll not have those words on my ship, especially
from you, since you've been packaged to appeal to our younger
viewers.
Wesley: Piss off! [Worf boxes the side of his head.]
Wesley: Ow, shit! [Worf smacks him so hard he flips over.]
Worf: The Captain doesn't like those words.
Wesley: [weakly] Yeah. Just get me to the transporter room and I'm gone.
Picard: Make it so, Worf.
[Worf escorts the alternate-Wesley away. All except Picard follow.]
Picard: [to himself] Well, I handled that rather well. Now I'll have Riker
fix those other problems.
[ A little old lady wobbles in from the holodeck.]
Lady: Jean-Luc, don't slouch, stand up straight!
Picard: Maman, is it you?
Maman: Yes, it is. Jean-Luc, why don't you get a toupe like that nice man,
Captain Kirk?
Picard: Maman...
Maman: And look at you. Thin as a rail. You haven't been eating enough.
Just looking at Captain Kirk, I can tell HE eats when his mother
tells him. And then some.
Picard: [to himself] It's just an illusion, a holodeck illusion.
Maman: It's that Crusher woman, isn't it?
Picard: [getting dramatic] Out, out, damned spot I say!
Maman: That's it. Not enough sex! And you call yourself a Frenchman! My
poor Jean-Luc, I must find a woman for you.
[ she wobbles off; Picard leans against bulkhead.]
Picard: I must have the damn flu. I'm seeing things.
[back on the bridge]
Riker: Status report, Data.
Data: Situation critical, commander. We are losing power to the Giant
Amoeba, the Planet-Killer is closing in behind us, the Salt
Vampire is loose on Deck 6, the Pizza Bats have infested DEC 20,
and the Cloud-Vampire is cleaning out Engineering.
Riker: If Captain Picard were here, he'd fix this up in a minute.
Picard: [arriving from lift] I surrender, tell them all I surrender!
LaForge: Boy, we sure are in deep shit now.
[ dramatic music, commercial break]
~~~~~~~
ACT III
~~~~~~~
[scene opens with Kirk standing by a big stone wall with an old-fashioned
wooden gate.]
Kirk: Open up! This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise!
Voice: [with outrageous French accent] Sppllll! I laugh in your general
direction, teeny-minded animal food trough wiper. We will make
castanets of your testicles. Your mother was a hamster and your
father smelt of elderberries.
Spock: [walking up] Captain, Captain, wrong set! This is the "Monty
Python and the Holy Grail" set.
Kirk: Oh.
[They walk off into the mist; French voice continues taunting.
A huge wooden rabbit rolls up to the gate behind them.]
[ fade to a large room. McCoy sits at a table.]
McCoy: Chief Medical Officer's Log, Stardate unknown. With the Captain
mired in deep depression, we're all beginning to fall apart. Each
one of us must face the question: are we living, breathing human
beings or simply cardboard cut-out dolls in a low-budget space
opera? [pause] Scotty's already gone to drink.
[ Scotty is seen face down on a table amid a forest of empty whisky
bottles.]
McCoy: Chekov's still mumbling about imaginary brothers.
Chekov: They killed my brother Ivan. Cossacks! Or was it Alexei?
[Ed.'s note: make sure Chekov pronounces it "ee-VAHN".]
McCoy: Rand is calling herself a "cycle slut" and Nurse Chapel is
just babbling.
[ Rand is wearing a leather jacket and slurping down gin. Chapel is
slouched in a corner mumbling.]
Chapel: Gene, get me out of here.
McCoy: As for Sulu and Uhura, they've been rutting like rabbits.
[ cut to tabletop; we hear giggling, then we see the top of a light
tan rump pop into view for a second, then thrust down, followed
shortly by a darker brown rump for a few seconds.]
McCoy: And Spock's totally withdrawn into himself. Only I seem unaffected.
Why? Is it because I'm just a good ol' country doctor? I don't know.
I'm a doctor, not a pop psychologist. And I've got to heal these
wounds. [turns to Kirk] Jim, snap out of it. Can we get you
something?
Kirk: [in deep funk] Eat. Want to eat.
McCoy: Spock, do you hear that? Spock?
Spock: My senses are quite sound, Doctor.
McCoy: If you've got a drop of red blood in you, if there's any humanity
left at all, you know what's happening to us. Look at the Captain,
your friend.
[ Spock gazes at Kirk and says nothing. Decker enters.]
Decker: It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starships.
McCoy: See him! Doesn't it remind you of all we've been through? If you
won't save yourself, save this ship, save your friends.
[ Gene Roddenberry enters. The crew all stop what they're doing and
look.]
McCoy: Gene!
Roddenberry: Dee!
Chapel: Landru, save us!
ALL: Landru, guide us!
[Roddenberry is about to say something, but he catches sight of the
medical device McCoy took from Crusher. He starts to suck his
knuckles. Spock grabs the phaser Sulu discarded and shoots Roddenberry.]
McCoy: Spock, are you mad? You've killed Gene Roddenberry! And just before
payday!
Spock: One would assume a doctor would be trained at observation, but I
must make allowances in your case.
[Spock points to Roddenberry's body which gradually transforms to that
of ... the Salt Vampire.]
McCoy: Well, pull out the tips of my ears and turn my blood green.
Spock: This scanner of Crusher's -- a salt shaker.
McCoy: No wonder she can't cure patients. And no wonder I couldn't pick up
any life readings from us.
Spock: Quite true.
McCoy: [blushing] Next time I trust my instincts instead of those
new-fangled gadgets.
Spock: Now, we must revive the Captain's ego. Shall we start with
satisfying his appetite?
McCoy: All we have is some cheese and white bread.
Kirk: Toasted cheese sandwich?
Spock: [seriously] I must attempt the Vulcan Cheddar-Meld. It has never
been done with plain white bread before, so please stand back --
it could be dangerous.
[eerie music sounds; Spock assumes lock of deep concentration; waves
hands slowly over piece of cheese on bread; slowly the cheese melts]
Spock: [putting sandwich on plate and handing it to Kirk] Your toasted
cheese sandwich, sir.
Scott: Can you do that with haggis too?
McCoy: I'd like fried chicken myself.
Kirk: Unh?
[he stares at the sandwich; Decker grabs it and wolfs it down.]
Decker: Yeah. Best toasted cheese I ever ate! Till my ship was destroyed!
They didn't have a chance! I've got to stop that thing, that
monster!
[McCoy gives Decker a sedative.]
McCoy: Spock, we'll have to try something else.
Spock: Jim, answer me.
[no response]
Spock: "The frequency is open, but he doesn't answer."
Sulu: The galaxy's greatest womanizer -- now he's more impotent than a
Denebian weenieworm.
McCoy: That's it -- we've got to get him laid. [stares at the women]
Uhura: Not me.
Rand: He had his chance.
Chapel: Gene is VERY possessive.
Chekov: Maybe you could all pick a straw...
McCoy: [pleading] You've GOT to do it...
[ Uhura, Rand, and Chapel all look at one another, finally
acknowledging a grudging assent.]
[switch to transporter room -- the normal Wesley materializes. He
is badly bruised and his sweater is in shreds.]
Crusher: Wesley, are you alright?
Wesley: It was neat. Except for being in the Agony Booth for so long. But
then I got to have sex with the alternate-Yar. Lots of it. [sees
Yar] She didn't wear a bra over there, either. [pauses, smirks]
She didn't wear much of anything.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
Crusher: He's had a traumatic experience. [hugs Wesley, who makes a face]
I'm just overjoyed to have my son back. [Picard glares] Well,
maybe not overjoyed -- more like cautiously optimistic.
Wesley: I learned so many neat tricks. Captain -- do you know what happens
when a person is sleeping and you put their hand in warm water?
Worf: An ancient Klingon warrior's trick!
[back to TOS crew]
McCoy: Well, how did it go?
Uhura: Not too well.
Rand: He wouldn't look at my legs.
Chapel: He didn't even want to play doctor.
Spock: Quite uncharacteristic of the Captain.
McCoy: It's worse than I thought. He needs a challenge.
Sulu: Yar.
[everyone glances at one another; Spock raises eyebrow]
McCoy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's head for her cabin.
[and back to the bridge again]
Crusher: Captain, I just can't figure out this darn flu!
Data: Sir, casualties are rising. I count 87 drained of blood, 48
drained of salt, and 54 driven insane by pizza bats. In
addition, power reserves are down another 22.3%. But the
Dow Jones is up 3 1/4.
Picard: [wearily] Have you broadcast on all frequencies that I surrender?
LaForge: It's not working, sir. What do we do?
[Yar's cabin. TOS crew knocks and enters.]
McCoy: We'd like to ask you a favor... [prods Kirk] Jim, look!
Chekov: [whispering in Kirk's ear] No bra. I checked. Very good.
[apologies to "Watchmen" fans]
Yar: I'm Security Chief. And that means I don't like intruders on my
ship. Don't move. I've got you covered.
[Yar raises phaser. Suddenly, a light appears in Kirk's eyes, as if
galvanized by the threat.]
Kirk: [to Spock] That looks like a dustbuster to me.
Spock: I believe it is.
Yar: No, it's a phaser.
[Sulu moves toward her; she aims the phaser, but instead of a light
beam, we are treated to a standard vacuum-cleaner sound effect.
Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov jump Yar and pummel her.]
Kirk: I want some answers now.
[Yar moans, stands up, then leaps toward a shelf.]
Yar: [grabbing phaser-like object] Aha, here's my phaser. Don't move.
I've got you covered.
Kirk: We're not frightened by your vacuum cleaner.
Yar: Make a move then.
Uhura: [softly] Captain, I believe it's a personal hygiene apparatus
known as a blow dryer.
[Kirk steps forward. Yar points, but only hot air comes out. Everyone
jumps her and she's pummeled again.]
Yar: Ow, ooh, where's my goddamn phaser?
[cut to bridge -- Troi is stepping off turbolift. Half her bun of
hair is burned off. The left side of her face is blackened and little
wisps of smoke are rising from her head. She has a pissed-off
expression on her face.]
Riker: Deanna, that's ... that's a new look for you, isn't it?
Picard: Ah, Counselor Troi, good to see you introducing new fashions to the
crew. I don't understand them myself, but...
Troi: [darkly] I sense GREAT stupidity.
[all fall silent. Data continues to stare at Troi's head.]
[ back below decks... Spock, Scott, and McCoy have stepped out into
the corrider.]
Spock: Doctor, Jim has not yet recovered all his confidence.
McCoy: I know. We need more time.
Scott: I've been doin' a wee bit o' thinking.
McCoy: Yes?
Scott: This is a big, big ship. A lot of matter. I'm thinking they might
not miss it too much if we were to borrow a wee bit...
McCoy: Blast it, man, get to the point!
Spock: If I understand Mr. Scott correctly, might this "wee" bit be
equivalent to the mass of NCC-1701?
Scott: Aye, Mr. Spock. Aye.
McCoy: You mean, you can re-create the Enterprise out of the mass of
this ship?
Scott: The blueprints are in the computer. And if I canna run a
holodeck-transporter combo better than any bawlin' boy brat
then I'm nae real Scotsman at all.
Kirk: Am I invited to the party, gentlemen?
Spock: Mr. Scott has an interesting proposition.
McCoy: He's going to rebuild the Enterprise.
Kirk: My ship? [his shoulders stiffen; his voice quickens] Mr. Scott,
have you something for us to go on?
Scott: Aye, sir, give me a few hours, and I'll have a brand-new Enterprise
complete down to the bolts, just like the bonnie lass we know
and love.
Kirk: Scotty, do it and you're Chief Engineer for life.
Spock: However, there are a few minor obstructions to Mr. Scott's progress.
Kirk: Which is why we need a plan, gentlemen...
[Gene Roddenberry enters.]
Roddenberry: I was having lunch down at the commissary, and it was just
so bland... you guys got some salt or pepper up here? [he
absent-mindedly licks his knuckles]
[TOS guys exchange glances.]
Scott: Fool me once, shame on you...
McCoy: Fool me twice, shame on me. [pulls out phaser and shoots Roddenberry]
[They stand and look at the body and start shuffling around
uncomfortably after a few seconds.]
Kirk: Bones, I've got a bad feeling about this.
McCoy: [stoops down] He's dead, Jim. [pause] You take the Rolex, I'll
grab the wallet.
Spock: I suggest we leave the resolution of this matter to the ST:TNG
scriptwriters.
Scott: And run like the devil himself were on our tail.
[They break and run. Kirk barely suppresses the urge to go
"woob-woob-woob" ala Curly of the Three Stooges.]
[back on the bridge]
Worf: Morale is dissolving, sir.
Data: Dilithium crystal deterioration underway.
Picard: It's time for action. Number One, prepare for a staff meeting.
Yar: [bursting off turbolift] The TOS crew! They overpowered me!
Kirk: [over intercom] < Picard, I'm coming to the bridge. >
Crusher: You can't. We've got the flu.
Kirk: < Your irrelevant subplot can wait till next week. I'm going to save
this ship. Whether you like it or not. >
[ dramatic music, break for commercial ]
~~~~~~
ACT IV
~~~~~~
[Kirk and crew are walking down corridor; Picard and co-stars step
out from turbolift and block them.]
Picard: This has gone far enough. You are NOT going to run this ship.
You are going to stop right this instant.
Kirk: Oh yeah? Make me, buster.
Picard: What?
Chekov: [taunting Worf] I made it with a Klingon woman once.
Sulu: Wasn't that your brother Pyotr?
Chekov: Him too.
[ Worf growls and advances on Chekov. Grand melee breaks out. Chekov kicks
Worf in the knee; Worf doubles over and Chekov punches him in the face.
Spock invites Data for a quick game of 3D-chess. Yar gyrates around Sulu
in various martial-arts style poses; Sulu calmly reaches out and socks
her in the nose. McCoy quickly administers a whopper of a sedative to Crusher.
Scotty swipes LaForge's hair band/eyes and hands it to Rand. ]
Scott: Lass, will ye be wantin' something for yer hair?
[ Rand tucks the band in her mound of hair and rams Troi in the
chest with her head. Scratch one Betamax Troicorder. LaForge wanders
around. Meanwhile, Spock checkmates Data, who then punches himself
in the jaw, knocking himself unconscious. Riker stands before
Uhura and grins. Uhura decks him with a massive blow to the mouth. ]
Riker: Oooh, my teeth! I think one's loose! Dentist! Dentist!
[ Kirk faces off against Picard, who stands motionless and appears
bewildered. Kirk jumps up and down, circling, flipping over a
couple times as if averting blows from Picard. Somehow in the process, he
gets his face dirty and tears his shirt open. Finally, he punches
Picard, who falls down. ]
Chapel: I didn't get to slap anyone!
Kirk: To the bridge. We haven't much time.
Rand: Sorry 'bout the specs. [hands crushed hair band to LaForge.]
[ scene change to Kirk and crew stepping onto bridge from turbolift.
Kirk strides to Captain's chair and flips the intercom switch. ]
Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the TOS starship Enterprise.
I am assuming command of this ship. All hands to battle
stations. Red Alert.
[Uhura has activated the "red alert" ... sadly, we don't get
deafening klaxons and numerous flashing red lights. Kirk looks
a little annoyed.]
Kirk: Lieutenant, put us on Double Secret Probation Red Alert.
Uhura: Yes, sir, full sound effects coming up.
[now we get the old TOS effects...]
[suddenly, Picard and crew limp off turbolift.]
Kirk: What are you doing on the bridge, mister?
Picard: It's my mother. She's trying to set me up with Troi. You've
got to hide me.
Voice: [Picard's mother on intercom] < Jean-Luc, come out! Has anyone
seen my boy Jean-Luc Picard? His mother wants him right now! >
Kirk: [presses intercom switch] Captain Picard was last seen in
Engineering.
Voice: < Thank you, young man. >
Spock: Was that wise, sir?
Kirk: Mr. Spock, it was the human thing to do.
[Picard starts to speak but Q materializes on the bridge.]
Q: What utter barbarians!
Picard: No, Q, not now.
Kirk: I can deal with this. [to Q] If you don't leave right now, we're
going to tell your Mommy. And Mr. Spock here will ... [nudges Spock]
Spock: inform your Father.
Q: No, you wouldn't.
Kirk: We would and we will. Mommy won't be too happy with you. The
chances of your getting a new planet for your birthday are so
small that ... well, Mr. Spock, how small would you estimate
the probability?
Spock: The odds are approximately 42,987.308 to 1.
Q: That bad?
Spock: Precisely.
Kirk: That's it. Leave or we're gonna tell your Mommy.
Q: You're no fun. [vanishes]
[Kirk flashes a grin at Spock, who appears vaguely annoyed.]
Kirk: Time to get to work, gentlemen. First, a drill. Bridge lurch! Left!
[entire TOS crew lean to the left]
Kirk: Bridge lurch right! Left!
[ all lean to the right, then quickly back to the left. Scotty topples
over onto the floor and Uhura is clinging to the edge of her seat.
Picard and crew stand watching with mouths hanging open.]
McCoy: Haven't you people ever seen a bridge lurch before?
Kirk: Spock, you and Scotty ought to be able to restore
some power. Take McCoy and Nurse Chapel to go deal with the
Cloud Vampire. We'll handle the rest up here.
[Spock, Scotty, McCoy, and Chapel exit. Rand moves to Spock's
station. Wesley enters and walks behind Sulu, peering over his
shoulder; Sulu swats at him as if brushing away a fly. Wesley
moves behind Chekov.]
Chekov: Keptin, that pesky boy is here again.
Wesley: The name's "Wes", "Wes Crusher".
Chekov: OK, Ves.
Wesley: No, it's "Wes".
Chekov: That's what I said, "Res".
Wesley: No, read my lips -- [slowly] W-W-W-W-W-E-E-S-S-S.
Chekov: Oh -- Wes ...
Wesley: Yes!
Chekov: Wes Cwushah.
Wesley: No!! [goes and bangs head against wall; Chekov shrugs]
[ lights dim and ship shudders ]
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes. Uhura, see what's keeping Spock
and Scott. Yeoman, over here.
Spock: [over intercom] < Spock, here, Captain. Mr. Scott has bypassed
the circuits in Engineering. Ready for first phase. >
McCoy: [interrupting, over intercom] < McCoy here. The Cloud-Vampire is
in the transporter room. Tell Dr. Crusher I'm sorry we used her
blood bank as bait. Sealing all vents. There's nothing there
now but the Cloud and Scotty's anti-matter bomb. >
Spock: < Due to the Doctor's verbosity, we have 12 seconds before
detonation ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... >
Kirk: Scotty, beam it into the amoeba's nucleus! Now!
Spock: < ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... >
[shift to Scotty working at a make-shift console in auxiliary control;
catch shot of Cloud and bomb de-materializing in transporter room; quickly
shift to Enterprise outlined against full-color view of amoeba,
then back to bridge]
[lights dim, ship shakes, TOS crew performs typical bridge lurches;
TNG crew knocked flat on asses; Troi flies across room into Kirk's
lap; somehow, Kirk gets a mouthful. Riker pulls her away.]
Chekov: Keptin, look.
[ stars are again visible on screen; the blackness caused by being
within the Giant Amoeba is gone.]
Sulu: Three down, sir, two to go.
Kirk: Uhura, Mr. Spock will need your help. Keep in touch and watch
for pizza bats.
Uhura: Aye, sir. [exits]
LaForge: I'd better go take a peek from the observation deck. [leaves]
Rand: I didn't have the heart to tell him that Mr. Scott finished off the
the brandy that LaForge had stashed down there.
Picard: Are you saying one of my crew is a closet alcoholic?
Kirk: Picard, evacuate your surviving people from the saucer section.
Troi: Captain Picard, be careful --
Kirk: We're going to need the saucer.
Troi: I sense deception! I sense --
[Kirk looks at Rand. Rand looks at Kirk. Suddenly Troi leaps onto
Kirk and tries to pull his pants off. Riker pulls her away again.]
Riker: Deanna, does this mean it's all over between us?
Rand: Captain Lovey-Dovey. Bonk, bonk.
Picard: What is this evacuation order about? I demand to know.
Kirk: We may lose the saucer in the final fight. Just get your
precious crew out.
Spock: [via intercom]: < Spock, here. Captain, we MUST recover Engineering.
Auxiliary systems have all failed. >
Kirk: I thought you'd killed the pizza bats by turning up the lights
in Engineering.
Spock: < Negative, Captain. We were unsuccessful. >
Chekov: Planet-killer is in pursuit again.
McCoy: [arriving from turbolift] Jim, our plan won't work! It's a different
kind of pizza bat!
Decker: [from behind McCoy] My crew! My ship! All gone, destroyed. Kirk,
you know what we must do.
Kirk: Bones, the pizza bats left Decker alone on the planet. And he's
been wandering the ship while Picard's crew is being slaughtered.
Decker: Don't you think I know that!!
McCoy: [administers yet another sedative] So why did Decker survive?
Kirk: There must be something we're missing. Why avoid Decker and attack
the ST:TNG crew? What makes Decker so different?
Sulu: Sir, you couldn't get one of the ST:TNG crew to act like Decker
if you rectally penetrated them with electrified cattle prods.
Kirk: Acting ... like Decker. OVERacting ... like Decker. That's it. The
pizza bats can't tolerate overacting.
McCoy: Jim, we can't be certain.
Kirk: We only have one chance, Bones. [turns] Mr. Data, I'm going to need
my crew in Engineering. I must count on you to maintain the helm.
Data: [waits for Picard to object] I will.
Kirk: Good. If you don't hear from us in 15 minutes, separate the saucer
and destroy us. [Kirk and crew exit]
Data: I shall do so.
[ Data walks to helm, creaking as he goes.]
Picard: What is that noise?
Data: It is I, sir. The TOS women were testing some of my functions
and the lubrication system failed in some of my bearings due
to the unusually vigorous and repetitive motion.
Yar: [slugs Data] You SLUT!!
[ "Dynasty"-style music is heard and yet another commercial break begins]
~~~~~
ACT V (yeah, five acts, not four)
~~~~~
[outside Engineering, Kirk addresses crew. the buzzing of the pizza
bats is audible.]
Kirk: We're going to need every ounce of overacting we can muster. On
my signal, get in there and ham it up!
[Scott forces open the door to Engineering and they rush in. pizza bats
are clinging to the walls. Decker runs around in wide circles
screaming incoherently and foaming at the mouth. The others do their part.]
Uhura: Captain, I'm frightened!
Rand: Look at my legs now!
Chekov: It was inwented in Russia!
Sulu: [fencing an imaginary partner] Aye, sir!
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not an actor!
Chapel: Spock, I've always loved you!
Scott: The engines canna take nae more, Captain!
Kirk: I'm responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen!
Spock: [working with tricorder] Captain, we do not have enough overacting.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, be emotional -- that's an order!
[ Spock rushes to embrace Chapel and they start ripping off clothes;
the others repeat their lines more fervently. Kirk whips out a handy
copy of the U.S. Constitution and starts reading (as he did in "The
Omega Glory"). Music is building to crescendo throughout the scene.
Wesley innocently enters.]
Kirk: We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more
perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, ...
[ Decker sees Kirk's paper and makes a beeline for him...]
Kirk & Decker: provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare,
and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity do
ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of
America.
[ Music has risen to climax; cymbals crash ... and the pizza bats
all fall to the floor ... dead. All fall silent, panting, out of
breath. Wesley has collapsed from the strain of watching.]
McCoy: Not bad for a Canadian ham, eh?
Kirk: We're not through yet. Spock, Scotty, we need that power now. Sulu
and Uhura, come with me. The rest of you, load up for the final phase
of the plan.
[Kirk, Sulu, and Uhura arrive back on bridge. ST:TNG crew is standing
around.]
Kirk: Open fire on the Planet-Killer, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Aye, aye, sir. Phasers locking. Firing.
Uhura: [in Chekov's usual position] Direct hit. No damage.
Sulu: Planet-Killer has closed and caught us in its tractor beam.
Picard: Are you mad?
Kirk: Possibly. You'd better get off the saucer NOW. I'm going to
separate, ram the Planet-Killer, and explode the impulse engines.
Decker: [bursting in] Don't you think I know that!
Data: Captain Picard, I suggest we exit!
[all TNG folk save LaForge jam into turbolift and bug out; LaForge,
whose "eyes" are obviously malfunctioning, bumps into a wall.
Uhura walks over to him.]
Uhura: Hey, Janice and I thought you were kinda cute ... and, well, we
felt bad about your hair band getting smashed, so we had Scotty
whip up some new eyes for you...
[ hands LaForge some funky-looking Ray-Ban sunglasses; LaForge puts
them on]
Uhura: [looking at LaForge] Nice shades, man.
LaForge: Ooh, thanks. [looks around] Outasight! I feel so hip now.
Uhura: Remember your roots, brother. [LaForge exits]
Scott: [voice over intercom] < Warp engines functioning. Mr. Spock has
wired the impulse engines to fuse. I'm on my way up there. >
Kirk: Matt, join the rest of them. Get off the saucer.
Decker: [suddenly calms] Kirk, you know what this means to me. I'm ready
to die with you.
Kirk: We're not going to die. This will be a new beginning.
[Scott enters and starts working on the Captain's chair.]
Sulu: Separating saucer now. Impulse engines in reverse, holding against
the Planet-Killer.
Scott: We're ready, Captain. The impulse engines will fuse 5 seconds
after this switch is set. You beam out with the rest of them -- I
can handle this.
[on the viewscreen, we see "the duck" (NCC-1701D minus saucer) warping
away; Decker hisses -- the TNG crew has abandoned them! Sulu moves the field
of view to .... the NCC-1701! Scott and Kirk turn to look.]
Kirk: Scotty, I want you on that ship. [grins] You don't trust Spock
and McCoy to run her, do you?
Scott: Aye, Captain.
Decker: What in the blazes is going on, Kirk?
Kirk: The crew has been re-assembling the Enterprise from the mass of
this saucer... we needed the power of the warp engines to put that
final breath of life into the lady we love.
Spock: [over intercom] < Captain, you have 20 seconds. >
Kirk: Four to beam up, Mr. Spock. Now.
[Scott, Uhura, Sulu, and Decker are transported away. Kirk moves to
the helm ... an overdose of dramatic music starts to build up.]
Spock: < You have 15 seconds. >
Kirk: Lock onto me, Mr. Spock.
[the mouth of the Planet-Killer now fills entire viewscreen ... even
more dramatic music]
Spock: < 10 seconds ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... >
Kirk: [pulls switch] Now!
[as usual, the transporter fails during the typical end-of-episode
crisis. Spock and Scotty fiddle with the controls of the
transporter ... Kirk is perspiring heavily now]
Kirk: Mr. Spock, I suggest you hurry.
Spock: < 1 ... 0 .. energize. >
[the saucer explodes while Kirk is de-materializing ... we see
several seconds of effects -- explosion in Planet-Killer and
Kirk materializing on TOS ship ... Kirk finally appears.
McCoy rushes up to transporter platform ]
Chekov: [over intercom] < The Planet-Killer is dead! >
[all loosen up in relief ... Kirk sighs.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, how many times have you done this faulty-transporter
trick to me at the end of an episode?
Spock: Including the original series, the cartoons, and the movies,
approximately ...
Kirk: [interrupting] No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
[ music and break for last commercial]
~~~~
epilog
~~~~
[ on the bridge of the TOS Enterprise; all are busily engaged in their
duties. ]
Kirk: [to Spock] Like Scotty promised, it's my Enterprise. It's even
full of redshirts ... what a nice touch.
McCoy: I knew you'd be needing a few and persuaded some TNG
extras to come over.
Spock: Sir, was it wise to bring back Decker?
Kirk: Spock, I need men like him, like my friend, the original
Matt Decker, the only man in the galaxy who could overact
more than I.
McCoy: Just keep him away from the cordrazine.
[ Spock starts to turn back to his post, but pauses]
Spock: You haven't yet told me how you prevented the Betamax from
discerning that you were concealing the truth.
Kirk: Very simple, Mr. Spock. I anticipated that she would read my mind,
so I had prepared a signal for Yeoman Rand to start playing with
my genitals. The resulting blitz of my mental reaction overpowered
Troi's defenses and drove her into an instant sexual frenzy.
[ Behind Kirk's back, Rand sticks finger in mouth and pretends
to gag. She turns to exit. ]
Kirk: Yeoman, where are you going?
Rand: I have a date with the writer of this parody ... he's been waiting
twenty years for this.
[ Rand exits. Enter Chapel with black hair. She's wearing a uniform
from "The Cage".]
McCoy: [whispers] Jim, she's telling us she's Number One now.
Kirk: Who is Number One?
Chapel: You are, Number Six.
Spock: Apparently she is suffering from a common malady. Series
disorientation ...
McCoy: Just a minute. I'm still the doctor around here. Series
disorientation occurs when a character has the delusion of being
another character in a TV series.
Kirk: You mean, I could get this and suddenly believe I'm "The Skipper"
from "Gilligan's Island"?
McCoy: Or worse.
Chapel: [dreamily] In the original pilot, *I* was Number One.
McCoy: [injecting her with a sedative] She'll be good as new again
in no time.
[Wesley pops out of turbolift; all crew suppress grimaces]
Wesley: Captain, sir, Sub-ensign Crusher reporting for duty, sir.
[Spock and McCoy glare at Kirk. Sulu and Chekov exchange looks.
Scott draws his phaser. Uhura makes a face.]
Kirk: Sub-ensign Crusher, here is your equipment. Guard it well.
[Kirk hands Wesley what is obviously a toilet-bowl scrubber
adorned with flashing lights on the bristles.]
Kirk: You can start with the heads on Deck 1. And, Mr. Crusher,
I want them so clean you can eat off them. And you
WILL eat off them if they don't pass inspection.
Wesley: Yes, sir! [rushes off bridge]
McCoy: Jim, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Beaver?
Kirk: On the contrary, Bones, I think that a little discipline is just
what he needs to become an officer.
Spock: I fail to see what would motivate you to help such an
intractably obnoxious brat.
Kirk: Haven't we all had those bratty little phases in our youth? [looks
nostalgic] Terrorizing the teachers ... looking down girls' shirts
... holding up 7-11's ... [Spock raises eyebrow] ah, I guess you
wouldn't know about those things.
McCoy: You see, Spock, there's still a few things you can learn about
us humans.
Spock: Evidently, doctor. I will consult with you the next time I hold up
a 7-11.
Kirk: Spock, I'm not the same man I was then.
McCoy: Jim, whatever has happened to us, wherever these bodies of ours
came from, you're the real Jim Kirk, and I'm the real McCoy.
Kirk: Right. I've got my ship, my crew, and lots of redshirts.
Sulu: [jumping up] So let's go kick some serious ass now!
[ everyone stares at Sulu; he sits down and plays with his console;
Kirk smiles. ]
Scott: Warp engines ready to go, sir. And tell Mr. Sulu to be gentle with them.
Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. Ahead Warp Factor One, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Where, sir?
Kirk: Hm... Uhura, open a communications channel to...
Uhura: Where, sir?
Spock: Sir, it seems that we no longer have a mission.
Kirk: No!
[looks very agitated; music builds up to foreshadow impending overacting]
Kirk: We DO have a mission. These are the voyages of the starship
Enterprise. Our five-year mission -- to explore strange new
worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go
where no man [Uhura clears throat] -- or woman -- has
gone before!
[ cut to scene of Enterprise shrinking off into the distance,
finally vanishing in a sea of stars]
Announcer: And now a look at next week's exciting all-new episode
of Star Trek: The Next Generation...
[ scene of bridge crew all wearing white naval-type uniforms... Love-Boat
theme music starts up ... "Trek -- exciting and new --
come aboard, we're expecting you..."]
Voiceover: Tempers flare when the Enterprise takes a swinging couple
to Mazatlan!
Announcer: And on next week's Star Trek: ROTOS (Return Of The Old Series) ...
the Enterprise goes back in time to obliterate NBC corporate
headquarters!
[ scene of 30 Rockefeller Plaza being melted by phasers. cut to bridge]
Spock: I would have preferred that we gone back and rescued
Zarabeth from "All Our Yesterdays".
Kirk: It's too late for that, Spock, she's teamed up with James
Garner now.
Spock: Am I being admonished by the man who became amorously involved
with Joan Collins in "The City on the Edge of Forever"? I think
YOU have taken a little too much LDS. Sir.
~~ appendix ~~
I wanted to do "Star Trek Rap", but Seth Meyer has done the definitive
ST rap. Guess I'll have to try for a video... An awful lot of the material
here was directly inspired by (stolen from?) other ST parodies.
A lot of descriptive text had to be removed (this thing is already well
over 1200 lines), so much imagination is required to visualize all this.
(of course, you know the camera will focus on Kirk every time he says
something which could be considered dramatic by even the slightest stretch
of the imagination.)
A couple sections just couldn't find their way into the final script,
primarily due to their unwholesome nature, and were cut out by the editor...
(and one unwholesome cheap shot is left for the reader to fill in above...)
OUTTAKES:
1 [TOS crew walking down hall]
1
1 Kirk: Is there a head on this ship somewhere?
1 Computer: [to the tune of "Bad Moon Rising"] There's a bathroom
1 on the right.
1 Kirk: Thank you. [enters toilet]
1
1 [time passes... McCoy and Spock look restless. Kirk emerges.]
1
1 Chekov: [typical shriek] Keptin! Keptin! Klingons around Uranus!
1
1 [all reach for phasers; Kirk looks behind himself, blushes, and
1 returns to bathroom]
2 [TNG crew is intently watching Giant Amoeba on viewscreen.]
2
2 Picard: Data, let's get a look at that from Geordi's Visual Acuity
2 Transmitter.
2 Data: Shall I put it on the viewscreen, sir?
2 Picard: Make it so.
2
2 [suddenly, the viewscreen image changes to that of an orgy with
2 numerous naked people rolling about; camera jerks back to LaForge
2 who is blissfully leaning back smiling; we see a plug leading from
2 one side of LaForge's hair band to a Sony Betamax VCR playing the tape
2 "Debbie Does Rigel 69."]
2
2 Data: Most intriguing.
3 [Special effect: Decker is riding a probe into Amoeba just like
3 Slim Pickens on the bomb at the end of "Dr. Strangelove".
downloaded from USENET
Originally uploaded by: MARC ANDREW CHOPPIN
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Course: Very Long Star Trek Parody
Prerequisites: any 4 ST:TNG episodes and the following ST:TOS episodes:
Mirror, Mirror Obsession Operation -- Annihilate!
The Man Trap The Doomsday Machine The Immunity Syndrome
The Savage Curtain The Return of the Archons Miri
This Side of Paradise Charlie X ...and too many others to mention.
In case you missed last week's episode, here's the synopsis for
"The Savage Curtain, II":
While orbiting the planet Excalbia, the Enterprise is confronted by
a giant figure of Jerry Lewis in space. Since all Frenchmen revere
Lewis, Picard beams Lewis aboard. Picard gives Lewis a tour of
the ship with zany results (Jerry shuts down engines, separates saucer,
and gets his head stuck in Troi's cleavage). Then Picard and Riker transport
down to surface with Lewis where they meet Riker's favorite, David Letterman,
as well as the Three Stooges and John Candy in a giant bakery filled with
pies. They learn that they are the subjects of an experiment by rocklike
aliens who wish to understand the human concept of "slapstick humor". After
an intense pie fight, Letterman persuades the rock-creatures to do "Stupid
Alien Tricks" and the creatures are so humiliated that they release Picard
and Riker, though they hit the Enterprise with a gigantic cream pie as a
final parting shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue:
Picard: Captain's Log, Supplemental. We are heading through an
extremely dangerous region of space to pick up needed medicines
from the planet Dominos II. Our mission is routine, but I
can't shake an ominous feeling.
Wesley: Jean-Luc, sir, I've just modified our sensors again and I've
found three strange objects approaching us. And there are some
unusual sensor readings on the surface.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley! I need to expand the limits of my character and
you've interrupted what was going to be a hauntingly classic monologue.
Yar: Why didn't I get to say that? I never get to say anything.
Picard: Lt. Yar? I thought you were dead.
Yar: I got a new contract. That episode was just a dream.
[ Wesley stalks off to the turbolift; turbolift door closes and we switch
scenes to the transporter room where Wesley is tinkering with controls.
He mutters, "This'll show them" and walks to transporter pad.
We get a flash of the effect from "Mirror, Mirror" to show Wesley
is transporting to alternate universe; upon arrival, we see a
gosh-wow expression on his face as he dashes out of transporter room.
Quickly cut to original universe, where alternate Wesley materializes;
instead of a sweater, he's wearing a black leather jacket and has
scraggly tufts of facial hair. With an evil smirk, he slinks out
of the transporter room. Now return to clean-cut Wesley bursting into
sick bay, where the alternate Picard and Crusher are humping furiously.]
Wesley: Mom, I didn't know you had stretch marks!
Crusher: [uunnnhhh] OK, Jean-Luc, [oooh] space the kid.
Picard: [reaches to touch communicator on his shirt on floor] Security,
Ensign Crusher will be visiting the Agony Booth.
Wesley: The Agony Booth? What's that, is it fun?
[a topless Yar bursts in, grabs Wesley, and drags him away to the
Agony Booth; Picard and Crusher exchange a "well, that's that" glance
and proceed to go at it again.]
[Dramatic music, cut to opening sequence and commercial.]
[episode name: Where Everyone Has Gone Before]
~~~~~
ACT I
~~~~~
Riker: Well, Captain, should I just sit here and grin some more?
Picard: Hmm... should you? [he looks out at the bridge crew for suggestions]
Data: We've started receiving a distress signal from the planet.
Perhaps the Away Team should beam down.
Picard: Excellent suggestion. Make it so!
[ Troi, Riker, Yar, and Worf exit]
LaForge: Captain, a ship is approaching us.
Data: A Ferengi ship. They are hailing us.
[cut to viewscreen; Mark Lenard appears in badly botched Ferengi make-up]
Lenard: Captain Picard, I have an offer to .. to... aagh, I'm so
embarrassed. ... I... I've been a Vulcan, a Romulan, and
a Klingon, now look at me!
Picard: Stop whimpering, man, and say your lines!
Lenard: Yes, you're right. [clears throat; left ear falls off]
I have information to sell you, Captain. Information about
a great danger. Capt... [fzzt! screen goes blank]
LaForge: The Ferengi ship, it's ... vanished! I'd better go look out
the observation port to see what's happened.
Picard: Data, have the Away Team beam up at once! We must have a
staff meeting.
Crusher [from sick bay]: < Looks like we have a flu epidemic of
some sort, Jean-Luc. I'm baffled. >
[Picard stares up at ceiling as if wondering where the voice is
coming from]
[scene changes to a disheveled room ... it might be an ordinary
storage area were it not for scattered debris and bodies
littering the floor. we see the Away Team materialize.]
Riker: Readings, Yar.
Yar: One other human life form in the vicinity. All others are dead.
Troi: I sense evil! Great evil!
Worf: Do you smell something? Something sweet? A strange sickly sweetness...
Troi: I sense something soft and doughy. It has little rounds balls
of cooked flesh on it with processed dairy products. I sense
garlic and mushrooms and ... and ... anchovies ... oh, the
pain!
Yar: What do you make of that, sir? [points to a pile of take-out
pizza cartons labelled "Medicinal Use Only"]
Riker: I don't know. [opens up two cartons] It is called pizza.
Yar: What's this one with nails and broken glass in it?
Worf: Klingon pizza!! Yum! [snarfs down the whole pizza]
[ragged man bursts into room; he is wild-eyed and unshaven.]
Decker: Run away! Run away! It'll kill you all! Be gone before it's
too late! [flecks of spittle fly across the room]
Riker: Deanna, that's an old acquaintenance of mine from the Academy ... Matt
Decker, III. He was expelled for overacting. Deanna ... Deanna?
Troi: Oooh, the pain, the pain. Such unbearable acting.
Riker: Matt, what's happened? Where's the rest of your people?
Decker: On the third planet.
Riker: There is no third planet.
Decker: Don't you think I know that! [eyes glaze over and he faints]
Worf: [munching on pizza] Don't you think we should beam up these
medicines, sir? It is our primary mission.
LaForge: Sounds good to me.
Riker: Geordi? How did you get here?
LaForge: I was sent to accompany you. [sucks his knuckles]
Data: [from ship] < Commander Riker, we must beam you up immediately.
We have an emergency. >
Riker: We have a survivor and some cargo. Beam us up.
[we see TNG crew materializing in the transporter room. Bob and
Doug Mackenzie (sp?) are at the transporter controls. They are wearing standard
TNG uniforms, but with plaid shirts and stocking caps. Beer cans litter
the transporter console. Mackenzie Phillips and Spuds Mackenzie are
sitting in the corner. A "Great White North" map hangs on the wall.]
Bob: G'day, eh?
Riker: Who are you? What are you doing?
Bob: I'm Bob, hoser.
Doug: And Doug Mackenzie. Your show needs some Canadian content, eh?
Worf: Mackenize? Shouldn't you be in Engineering?
Bob: No, man, we're CANADIANS ... hey, what's that stuff on your head, eh?
Doug: Don't Canadians get to be Captain?
Bob: Doohan's Canadian, hosehead.
Doug: Take off, eh.
Bob: Well, we're just about outta brew.
Doug: Hey, have the Captain send us some brews and backbacon, eh?
[the crew starts to leave in disgust, leaving most of the pizza
cartons behind]
Doug: There's pizza, hosehead.
[they stagger to transporter pad and open pizza cartons; Spuds and
Phillips become interested.]
Bob: Do you smell something sweet?
Doug: What? Did you take a shower this year, hosehead?
Bob: Take off. Hey, this pizza topping isn't dead.
Doug: Looks like egg pizza, eh?
[ the "pizza topping" flies up into the air and sails onto Mackenzie
Phillips' back. She drops, screaming in agony. A cloud of lights
surrounds Spuds, who is instantly drained of blood.]
Bob: I could use a brew now, hosehead
Doug: Go get some, eh.
Bob: Sure, I'll get some and I'll drink it all, eh.
Doug: OK, we both go, hoser.
[They exit, with pizza bats and cloud vampire slinking behind them.]
[ Picard and Data are at a table in a meeting room. Troi, Yar,
Worf, and Riker enter. Crusher follows.]
Picard: What in the devil happened down there, Number One?
Riker: The whole staff was massacred. We found one survivor.
Crusher: I had to sedate him. He was foaming at the mouth and getting
spit all over my uniform.
Picard: We have a mystery here, don't we Data?
[ Decker bursts into room.]
Decker: Thank God I've gotten to you in time. Isolate all decks of the
ship. Watch out for the pizza bats!
Picard: Pizza bats?
Decker: Or flying frying-eggs. It doesn't matter what you call them.
You beamed them up with the pizza. They drive men insane. And
the Cloud-Vampire. Sucks all your blood out. And the Salt-Vampire.
Ha-ha-ha. We evaded the Giant Amoeba, only to be trapped by the
Planet-Killer.
Picard: The Planet-Killer?
Decker: The Doomsday Machine. It had a maw that could swallow a
DOZEN starships!
Data: [aside, to Worf] He must be talking about Lt. Yar.
Decker: It killed my crew! It killed my ship! And it drove me down
to the monsters on the planet. Down to the brink [eyes
start glazing again; crew takes the pause as an opportunity
to wipe Decker's spit off their faces] the brink of madness!
[ Decker faints; everyone sits around waiting for the others
to say something]
Picard: We have a mission. We must deliver that medicine. Those brave souls
down on Dominos guaranteed delivery in 30 minutes, and we're going to
do it!
LaForge: [entering] Sorry to be so late, Captain, but I had to look out the
observation port again. A big patch of darkness is coming up upon
us from port, and a small-planet-sized object from starboard. [sees
pizza cartons] Hey, what's that?
Riker: Geordi, don't you remember? Down on the surface?
LaForge: I wasn't down there.
Picard: Humph. Stupid script writers. Must be a continuity error.
Voice #1: [over intercom] < Lt. McGuffin in Engineering! Help! We're being
attacked by flying frying-eggs! >
Voice #2: < Engineering also. And I say they're pizza bats. >
Voice #1: < Aaaaagggghh! >
Voice #2: < Aaaaagggghh! >
[Silence.]
Picard: Number One, were those some of our Chief Engineers?
Riker: I believe so, sir. Sounds like trouble.
Troi: Great danger. We are in great danger.
Crusher: I know ... I don't know what I'm going to do about this
flu epidemic.
[Switch to the holodeck. The alternate-Wesley is tinkering with holodeck
controls. He makes some final adjustments with a smirk. The holodeck door
opens -- we sees the TOS Enterprise crew -- Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scott, Uhura,
Chekov, Sulu, Chapel, and even Janice Rand are standing there and looking
rather confused. Wesley pulls out phaser and approaches them.]
Wesley: Greetings, my crew. I, Lord Wesley, have re-created you, the
original crew of the starship Enterprise. With me as your leader,
we will seize the Enterprise -- then the entire galaxy! Ha-ha-ha!
[dramatic music -- commercial break]
~~~~~~
ACT II
~~~~~~
[Kirk advances on Wesley aggressively]
Wesley: One more step and you're blubber, tubby.
Kirk: Now, uh, Wesley...
Wesley: That's LORD Wesley.
Kirk: Uh, your barn door's open.
[Wesley looks down at his pants; Kirk knocks the phaser from his
hand, then belts Wesley so hard that Wesley flies across the
corridor into the wall and is knocked unconscous.]
Spock: [picking up phaser] Fascinating, Captain. What appears to
be a portable vacuum cleaning device commonly known as a
"dustbuster" is actually a phaser.
Chekov: Ah, yes, that was inwented by Peter the Great.
Kirk: Bones, what do you think?
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a housekeeper. I just want to know where we
are and how we got here.
Sulu: Captain, look, according to these readings, we are on the
Enterprise, but it's not any Enterprise we ever knew ...
Uhura: And look at the date ... why, it ... it ... reads 80 years
ahead of our time.
[dramatic music, focus on digital clock near holodeck control panel]
Kirk: Could it just be an extreme case of Daylight Savings Time?
Spock: No, logic tells us that we must have been catapulted into
the future by this Wesley being.
[back on the bridge]
Yar: Sir, bodies have been found on Deck 11. Completely sucked dry
of blood.
Picard: What? People aren't supposed to die on my ship. There must be
a mistake.
Crusher: Captain, we've had some other casualties. They all have strange
mottled markings on their faces. I don't think it's the flu.
Riker: Sir, what do we do?
Picard: We just had a staff meeting. I'll have to think of something.
What else can go wrong?
Data: Sir, a shuttlecraft has just left the hangar deck.
Picard: Open a --
ALL: Communications channel opened, sir.
Picard: This is Captain Picard. Identify yourselves. I want that shuttle
back here immediately.
Doug: < Just gettin' a couple of six-packs at Starbase 7-11. >
Bob: < Like, what does this button do, eh? >
Doug: < Don't touch that, hoser. >
Picard: You are to return immediately.
Bob & Doug: < Take off, hosehead! >
[shuttle disappears into the distance on viewscreen. Picard is miffed.]
Voice: [unidentified, over intercom] < There are monkey boys on the premises. >
Yar: Sir, more intruders. Near the holodeck. Shall I send a security team?
Picard: Yes, Lieutenant.
[Yar exits.]
Riker: You've got a fantastically clever strategic move planned, don't
you, sir?
Picard: [uncertainly at first, then more firmly] All in good time, Number
One, all in good time.
[ship shudders slightly.]
LaForge: Captain, look at the viewscreen! The stars are gone. I'll
go down to the observation room for a better look at it.
Data: More disturbances on the holodeck, sir. I detect Ensign Crusher's
handiwork.
Picard: Come with me, Worf. You too, Data. We'll settle this ourselves. Set
phasers to obliterate-the-little-twerp setting.
Crusher: I heard that!
[back to hallway near holodeck]
Kirk: We need answers, gentlemen. Let's split up and...
[Troi, Yar, and Crusher arrive.]
Troi: I sense a great ego. I sense another mind ...
Yar: Halt. Identify yourselves!
Kirk: [admiring Troi's ...uh... communicator] That's an interesting piece
of hardware there.
Yar: [tartly] It's her communicator.
Kirk: [admiring Troi's other ...uh... side without the communicator] I
think she should have a matching pair.
Sulu: Watch out, those are even larger than Regulan boobworms.
Chekov: Keptin, it may be werry dangerous! Let me try it out first.
Crusher: Modern medicine has cured all speech impediments. You don't have to
talk like that anymore.
Chekov: [muttering] Cossack!
Spock: Captain, I sense something, another mind.
[ Spock and Troi see each other; their eyes meet; sweet music sounds;
they draw together and mind meld]
Troi: Repressed! Uptight! Repressed! Oh, pain!
Spock: Is everyone looking at my cleavage?
McCoy: Jim, the mind meld's gone too far, we've got to stop it.
Chapel: I know what to do.
[she slaps Spock vigorously several times, with little effect. Spock
and Troi start rubbing together.]
Troi & Spock: Peace! Joy! Happiness!
[ Chapel slugs Troi, who falls, breaking the mind meld.]
Troi: [confused] Mom?
Spock: Thank you, Nurse.
Yar: You still haven't told me who you are.
[suddenly, the alternate-Wesley leaps up from the floor and grabs
Yar's phaser]
Wesley: Now, we party, gang! Heh-heh-heh. The tall blonde's first.
[ he points phaser at Rand, laughs evilly, and begins to pull
down his pants.]
Crusher: I should never have let him read those Gor books.
[ Kirk and Sulu rush to place themselves in front of Rand, but
she waves them off.]
Wesley: Come on over, babe.
[ Rand saunters over, looks down, and smirks.]
Rand: Your shoelaces are untied.
Wesley: [looks down] But I'm not wearing... oof!
[ Rand delivers stunningly painful-looking groin kick. Sulu catches
the phaser flying from Wesley's hands as he collapses in intense agony.]
Kirk: Looks like you've learned one of my old tricks, Yeoman.
Rand: Hunh. Piece of cake after Charlie X.
Yar: [shouting] Would you identify yourselves?!
Kirk: [strutting up to her] I [pause] am Captain James T. Kirk of the
starship Enterprise.
Yar: Very funny. I'll tell Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the starship
Enterprise.
[Kirk assumes stunned look as he realizes he's no longer captain.
McCoy rushes up to him.]
Wesley: [from the floor] He's not a captain. He's not even a man. He's
just a creation of my holodeck-transporter linkup. I assembled
and built them all. Ooof!
[ Rand and Uhura stomp on him.]
Kirk: Bones, can it be? Are we just soul-less machines, mindless
automatons? Do we still have our human essence?
McCoy: [grabs Crusher's medical scanner] It's worse than that, we're dead, Jim.
Kirk: Bones, what are we?
Picard: [arriving with Worf] What is all this?
Data: I believe it's acting, sir, but not acting as we know it.
Picard: Acting? More like overacting. Can you imagine Shatner doing "I,
Claudius"?
Data: Sir, memory banks indicate he was trained as a Shakespearean actor.
Picard: Baah.
[Data moves over to holodeck controls to examine what's happened.]
Chekov: [aside, to Sulu] Is that a Klingon?
Sulu: [whispering back] Yes, but the make-up is all wrong.
Worf: [growls] Kirk!
Yar: No, these are just some more of Wesley's toys.
Uhura: You ever seen a toy with soul like this? [assumes defiantly sultry
pose; Picard is non-plussed; Uhura and Rand exchange high-fives.]
Spock: Jim, I've studied the records of this ship. Due to sloppy writers,
their holodeck is capable of anything. Their Wesley character is
capable of anything. With no further facts, I can only speculate,
but it may be that we are just duplicates of The Original Series
crew.
McCoy: But our minds, what of them? What of our souls?
Spock: As I stated, I can only surmise that the Wesley being has duplicated
us exactly. Even to the point of reproducing all the irritating
characteristics of Doctor McCoy.
McCoy: I can see there was no problem copying all your circuits.
Worf: Someone fetch Data. He enjoys pointless bickering.
[Data walks back, but stops to examine Spock.]
Data: A Vulcan. Most intriguing.
Spock: An android. Fascinating.
[Data and Spock begin to circle each other.]
Data: Intriguing.
Spock: Fascinating.
[They begin to circle faster and faster, while repeating "Intriguing"
and "Fascinating." Spock steps out.]
Spock: Intriguing.
Data: Fascinating. Intriguing. Fascinating. Intriguing ...
[Worf walks over and punches Data, breaking the infinite loop.]
Chapel: Doctor, look at the Captain, he's not taking this very well.
Kirk: [miserably] My ship. My ship is gone. What does it all mean now?
What does it matter?
McCoy: Jim, get a life!
Picard: Lt. Yar, escort these hooligans away.
[Kirk numbly trails Yar and the rest of his crew follows.]
Worf: What about the boy?
Wesley: I'm not your Wesley. I'm from an alternate universe. And I'm
gettin' the fuck outta here.
Crusher: It's not my Wes, Jean-Luc. He doesn't know the F-word.
Picard: Young man, I'll not have those words on my ship, especially
from you, since you've been packaged to appeal to our younger
viewers.
Wesley: Piss off! [Worf boxes the side of his head.]
Wesley: Ow, shit! [Worf smacks him so hard he flips over.]
Worf: The Captain doesn't like those words.
Wesley: [weakly] Yeah. Just get me to the transporter room and I'm gone.
Picard: Make it so, Worf.
[Worf escorts the alternate-Wesley away. All except Picard follow.]
Picard: [to himself] Well, I handled that rather well. Now I'll have Riker
fix those other problems.
[ A little old lady wobbles in from the holodeck.]
Lady: Jean-Luc, don't slouch, stand up straight!
Picard: Maman, is it you?
Maman: Yes, it is. Jean-Luc, why don't you get a toupe like that nice man,
Captain Kirk?
Picard: Maman...
Maman: And look at you. Thin as a rail. You haven't been eating enough.
Just looking at Captain Kirk, I can tell HE eats when his mother
tells him. And then some.
Picard: [to himself] It's just an illusion, a holodeck illusion.
Maman: It's that Crusher woman, isn't it?
Picard: [getting dramatic] Out, out, damned spot I say!
Maman: That's it. Not enough sex! And you call yourself a Frenchman! My
poor Jean-Luc, I must find a woman for you.
[ she wobbles off; Picard leans against bulkhead.]
Picard: I must have the damn flu. I'm seeing things.
[back on the bridge]
Riker: Status report, Data.
Data: Situation critical, commander. We are losing power to the Giant
Amoeba, the Planet-Killer is closing in behind us, the Salt
Vampire is loose on Deck 6, the Pizza Bats have infested DEC 20,
and the Cloud-Vampire is cleaning out Engineering.
Riker: If Captain Picard were here, he'd fix this up in a minute.
Picard: [arriving from lift] I surrender, tell them all I surrender!
LaForge: Boy, we sure are in deep shit now.
[ dramatic music, commercial break]
~~~~~~~
ACT III
~~~~~~~
[scene opens with Kirk standing by a big stone wall with an old-fashioned
wooden gate.]
Kirk: Open up! This is Captain James T. Kirk of the starship Enterprise!
Voice: [with outrageous French accent] Sppllll! I laugh in your general
direction, teeny-minded animal food trough wiper. We will make
castanets of your testicles. Your mother was a hamster and your
father smelt of elderberries.
Spock: [walking up] Captain, Captain, wrong set! This is the "Monty
Python and the Holy Grail" set.
Kirk: Oh.
[They walk off into the mist; French voice continues taunting.
A huge wooden rabbit rolls up to the gate behind them.]
[ fade to a large room. McCoy sits at a table.]
McCoy: Chief Medical Officer's Log, Stardate unknown. With the Captain
mired in deep depression, we're all beginning to fall apart. Each
one of us must face the question: are we living, breathing human
beings or simply cardboard cut-out dolls in a low-budget space
opera? [pause] Scotty's already gone to drink.
[ Scotty is seen face down on a table amid a forest of empty whisky
bottles.]
McCoy: Chekov's still mumbling about imaginary brothers.
Chekov: They killed my brother Ivan. Cossacks! Or was it Alexei?
[Ed.'s note: make sure Chekov pronounces it "ee-VAHN".]
McCoy: Rand is calling herself a "cycle slut" and Nurse Chapel is
just babbling.
[ Rand is wearing a leather jacket and slurping down gin. Chapel is
slouched in a corner mumbling.]
Chapel: Gene, get me out of here.
McCoy: As for Sulu and Uhura, they've been rutting like rabbits.
[ cut to tabletop; we hear giggling, then we see the top of a light
tan rump pop into view for a second, then thrust down, followed
shortly by a darker brown rump for a few seconds.]
McCoy: And Spock's totally withdrawn into himself. Only I seem unaffected.
Why? Is it because I'm just a good ol' country doctor? I don't know.
I'm a doctor, not a pop psychologist. And I've got to heal these
wounds. [turns to Kirk] Jim, snap out of it. Can we get you
something?
Kirk: [in deep funk] Eat. Want to eat.
McCoy: Spock, do you hear that? Spock?
Spock: My senses are quite sound, Doctor.
McCoy: If you've got a drop of red blood in you, if there's any humanity
left at all, you know what's happening to us. Look at the Captain,
your friend.
[ Spock gazes at Kirk and says nothing. Decker enters.]
Decker: It had a maw that could swallow a DOZEN starships.
McCoy: See him! Doesn't it remind you of all we've been through? If you
won't save yourself, save this ship, save your friends.
[ Gene Roddenberry enters. The crew all stop what they're doing and
look.]
McCoy: Gene!
Roddenberry: Dee!
Chapel: Landru, save us!
ALL: Landru, guide us!
[Roddenberry is about to say something, but he catches sight of the
medical device McCoy took from Crusher. He starts to suck his
knuckles. Spock grabs the phaser Sulu discarded and shoots Roddenberry.]
McCoy: Spock, are you mad? You've killed Gene Roddenberry! And just before
payday!
Spock: One would assume a doctor would be trained at observation, but I
must make allowances in your case.
[Spock points to Roddenberry's body which gradually transforms to that
of ... the Salt Vampire.]
McCoy: Well, pull out the tips of my ears and turn my blood green.
Spock: This scanner of Crusher's -- a salt shaker.
McCoy: No wonder she can't cure patients. And no wonder I couldn't pick up
any life readings from us.
Spock: Quite true.
McCoy: [blushing] Next time I trust my instincts instead of those
new-fangled gadgets.
Spock: Now, we must revive the Captain's ego. Shall we start with
satisfying his appetite?
McCoy: All we have is some cheese and white bread.
Kirk: Toasted cheese sandwich?
Spock: [seriously] I must attempt the Vulcan Cheddar-Meld. It has never
been done with plain white bread before, so please stand back --
it could be dangerous.
[eerie music sounds; Spock assumes lock of deep concentration; waves
hands slowly over piece of cheese on bread; slowly the cheese melts]
Spock: [putting sandwich on plate and handing it to Kirk] Your toasted
cheese sandwich, sir.
Scott: Can you do that with haggis too?
McCoy: I'd like fried chicken myself.
Kirk: Unh?
[he stares at the sandwich; Decker grabs it and wolfs it down.]
Decker: Yeah. Best toasted cheese I ever ate! Till my ship was destroyed!
They didn't have a chance! I've got to stop that thing, that
monster!
[McCoy gives Decker a sedative.]
McCoy: Spock, we'll have to try something else.
Spock: Jim, answer me.
[no response]
Spock: "The frequency is open, but he doesn't answer."
Sulu: The galaxy's greatest womanizer -- now he's more impotent than a
Denebian weenieworm.
McCoy: That's it -- we've got to get him laid. [stares at the women]
Uhura: Not me.
Rand: He had his chance.
Chapel: Gene is VERY possessive.
Chekov: Maybe you could all pick a straw...
McCoy: [pleading] You've GOT to do it...
[ Uhura, Rand, and Chapel all look at one another, finally
acknowledging a grudging assent.]
[switch to transporter room -- the normal Wesley materializes. He
is badly bruised and his sweater is in shreds.]
Crusher: Wesley, are you alright?
Wesley: It was neat. Except for being in the Agony Booth for so long. But
then I got to have sex with the alternate-Yar. Lots of it. [sees
Yar] She didn't wear a bra over there, either. [pauses, smirks]
She didn't wear much of anything.
Picard: Shut up, Wesley.
Crusher: He's had a traumatic experience. [hugs Wesley, who makes a face]
I'm just overjoyed to have my son back. [Picard glares] Well,
maybe not overjoyed -- more like cautiously optimistic.
Wesley: I learned so many neat tricks. Captain -- do you know what happens
when a person is sleeping and you put their hand in warm water?
Worf: An ancient Klingon warrior's trick!
[back to TOS crew]
McCoy: Well, how did it go?
Uhura: Not too well.
Rand: He wouldn't look at my legs.
Chapel: He didn't even want to play doctor.
Spock: Quite uncharacteristic of the Captain.
McCoy: It's worse than I thought. He needs a challenge.
Sulu: Yar.
[everyone glances at one another; Spock raises eyebrow]
McCoy: Well, what are we waiting for? Let's head for her cabin.
[and back to the bridge again]
Crusher: Captain, I just can't figure out this darn flu!
Data: Sir, casualties are rising. I count 87 drained of blood, 48
drained of salt, and 54 driven insane by pizza bats. In
addition, power reserves are down another 22.3%. But the
Dow Jones is up 3 1/4.
Picard: [wearily] Have you broadcast on all frequencies that I surrender?
LaForge: It's not working, sir. What do we do?
[Yar's cabin. TOS crew knocks and enters.]
McCoy: We'd like to ask you a favor... [prods Kirk] Jim, look!
Chekov: [whispering in Kirk's ear] No bra. I checked. Very good.
[apologies to "Watchmen" fans]
Yar: I'm Security Chief. And that means I don't like intruders on my
ship. Don't move. I've got you covered.
[Yar raises phaser. Suddenly, a light appears in Kirk's eyes, as if
galvanized by the threat.]
Kirk: [to Spock] That looks like a dustbuster to me.
Spock: I believe it is.
Yar: No, it's a phaser.
[Sulu moves toward her; she aims the phaser, but instead of a light
beam, we are treated to a standard vacuum-cleaner sound effect.
Kirk, Sulu, and Chekov jump Yar and pummel her.]
Kirk: I want some answers now.
[Yar moans, stands up, then leaps toward a shelf.]
Yar: [grabbing phaser-like object] Aha, here's my phaser. Don't move.
I've got you covered.
Kirk: We're not frightened by your vacuum cleaner.
Yar: Make a move then.
Uhura: [softly] Captain, I believe it's a personal hygiene apparatus
known as a blow dryer.
[Kirk steps forward. Yar points, but only hot air comes out. Everyone
jumps her and she's pummeled again.]
Yar: Ow, ooh, where's my goddamn phaser?
[cut to bridge -- Troi is stepping off turbolift. Half her bun of
hair is burned off. The left side of her face is blackened and little
wisps of smoke are rising from her head. She has a pissed-off
expression on her face.]
Riker: Deanna, that's ... that's a new look for you, isn't it?
Picard: Ah, Counselor Troi, good to see you introducing new fashions to the
crew. I don't understand them myself, but...
Troi: [darkly] I sense GREAT stupidity.
[all fall silent. Data continues to stare at Troi's head.]
[ back below decks... Spock, Scott, and McCoy have stepped out into
the corrider.]
Spock: Doctor, Jim has not yet recovered all his confidence.
McCoy: I know. We need more time.
Scott: I've been doin' a wee bit o' thinking.
McCoy: Yes?
Scott: This is a big, big ship. A lot of matter. I'm thinking they might
not miss it too much if we were to borrow a wee bit...
McCoy: Blast it, man, get to the point!
Spock: If I understand Mr. Scott correctly, might this "wee" bit be
equivalent to the mass of NCC-1701?
Scott: Aye, Mr. Spock. Aye.
McCoy: You mean, you can re-create the Enterprise out of the mass of
this ship?
Scott: The blueprints are in the computer. And if I canna run a
holodeck-transporter combo better than any bawlin' boy brat
then I'm nae real Scotsman at all.
Kirk: Am I invited to the party, gentlemen?
Spock: Mr. Scott has an interesting proposition.
McCoy: He's going to rebuild the Enterprise.
Kirk: My ship? [his shoulders stiffen; his voice quickens] Mr. Scott,
have you something for us to go on?
Scott: Aye, sir, give me a few hours, and I'll have a brand-new Enterprise
complete down to the bolts, just like the bonnie lass we know
and love.
Kirk: Scotty, do it and you're Chief Engineer for life.
Spock: However, there are a few minor obstructions to Mr. Scott's progress.
Kirk: Which is why we need a plan, gentlemen...
[Gene Roddenberry enters.]
Roddenberry: I was having lunch down at the commissary, and it was just
so bland... you guys got some salt or pepper up here? [he
absent-mindedly licks his knuckles]
[TOS guys exchange glances.]
Scott: Fool me once, shame on you...
McCoy: Fool me twice, shame on me. [pulls out phaser and shoots Roddenberry]
[They stand and look at the body and start shuffling around
uncomfortably after a few seconds.]
Kirk: Bones, I've got a bad feeling about this.
McCoy: [stoops down] He's dead, Jim. [pause] You take the Rolex, I'll
grab the wallet.
Spock: I suggest we leave the resolution of this matter to the ST:TNG
scriptwriters.
Scott: And run like the devil himself were on our tail.
[They break and run. Kirk barely suppresses the urge to go
"woob-woob-woob" ala Curly of the Three Stooges.]
[back on the bridge]
Worf: Morale is dissolving, sir.
Data: Dilithium crystal deterioration underway.
Picard: It's time for action. Number One, prepare for a staff meeting.
Yar: [bursting off turbolift] The TOS crew! They overpowered me!
Kirk: [over intercom] < Picard, I'm coming to the bridge. >
Crusher: You can't. We've got the flu.
Kirk: < Your irrelevant subplot can wait till next week. I'm going to save
this ship. Whether you like it or not. >
[ dramatic music, break for commercial ]
~~~~~~
ACT IV
~~~~~~
[Kirk and crew are walking down corridor; Picard and co-stars step
out from turbolift and block them.]
Picard: This has gone far enough. You are NOT going to run this ship.
You are going to stop right this instant.
Kirk: Oh yeah? Make me, buster.
Picard: What?
Chekov: [taunting Worf] I made it with a Klingon woman once.
Sulu: Wasn't that your brother Pyotr?
Chekov: Him too.
[ Worf growls and advances on Chekov. Grand melee breaks out. Chekov kicks
Worf in the knee; Worf doubles over and Chekov punches him in the face.
Spock invites Data for a quick game of 3D-chess. Yar gyrates around Sulu
in various martial-arts style poses; Sulu calmly reaches out and socks
her in the nose. McCoy quickly administers a whopper of a sedative to Crusher.
Scotty swipes LaForge's hair band/eyes and hands it to Rand. ]
Scott: Lass, will ye be wantin' something for yer hair?
[ Rand tucks the band in her mound of hair and rams Troi in the
chest with her head. Scratch one Betamax Troicorder. LaForge wanders
around. Meanwhile, Spock checkmates Data, who then punches himself
in the jaw, knocking himself unconscious. Riker stands before
Uhura and grins. Uhura decks him with a massive blow to the mouth. ]
Riker: Oooh, my teeth! I think one's loose! Dentist! Dentist!
[ Kirk faces off against Picard, who stands motionless and appears
bewildered. Kirk jumps up and down, circling, flipping over a
couple times as if averting blows from Picard. Somehow in the process, he
gets his face dirty and tears his shirt open. Finally, he punches
Picard, who falls down. ]
Chapel: I didn't get to slap anyone!
Kirk: To the bridge. We haven't much time.
Rand: Sorry 'bout the specs. [hands crushed hair band to LaForge.]
[ scene change to Kirk and crew stepping onto bridge from turbolift.
Kirk strides to Captain's chair and flips the intercom switch. ]
Kirk: This is Captain James T. Kirk of the TOS starship Enterprise.
I am assuming command of this ship. All hands to battle
stations. Red Alert.
[Uhura has activated the "red alert" ... sadly, we don't get
deafening klaxons and numerous flashing red lights. Kirk looks
a little annoyed.]
Kirk: Lieutenant, put us on Double Secret Probation Red Alert.
Uhura: Yes, sir, full sound effects coming up.
[now we get the old TOS effects...]
[suddenly, Picard and crew limp off turbolift.]
Kirk: What are you doing on the bridge, mister?
Picard: It's my mother. She's trying to set me up with Troi. You've
got to hide me.
Voice: [Picard's mother on intercom] < Jean-Luc, come out! Has anyone
seen my boy Jean-Luc Picard? His mother wants him right now! >
Kirk: [presses intercom switch] Captain Picard was last seen in
Engineering.
Voice: < Thank you, young man. >
Spock: Was that wise, sir?
Kirk: Mr. Spock, it was the human thing to do.
[Picard starts to speak but Q materializes on the bridge.]
Q: What utter barbarians!
Picard: No, Q, not now.
Kirk: I can deal with this. [to Q] If you don't leave right now, we're
going to tell your Mommy. And Mr. Spock here will ... [nudges Spock]
Spock: inform your Father.
Q: No, you wouldn't.
Kirk: We would and we will. Mommy won't be too happy with you. The
chances of your getting a new planet for your birthday are so
small that ... well, Mr. Spock, how small would you estimate
the probability?
Spock: The odds are approximately 42,987.308 to 1.
Q: That bad?
Spock: Precisely.
Kirk: That's it. Leave or we're gonna tell your Mommy.
Q: You're no fun. [vanishes]
[Kirk flashes a grin at Spock, who appears vaguely annoyed.]
Kirk: Time to get to work, gentlemen. First, a drill. Bridge lurch! Left!
[entire TOS crew lean to the left]
Kirk: Bridge lurch right! Left!
[ all lean to the right, then quickly back to the left. Scotty topples
over onto the floor and Uhura is clinging to the edge of her seat.
Picard and crew stand watching with mouths hanging open.]
McCoy: Haven't you people ever seen a bridge lurch before?
Kirk: Spock, you and Scotty ought to be able to restore
some power. Take McCoy and Nurse Chapel to go deal with the
Cloud Vampire. We'll handle the rest up here.
[Spock, Scotty, McCoy, and Chapel exit. Rand moves to Spock's
station. Wesley enters and walks behind Sulu, peering over his
shoulder; Sulu swats at him as if brushing away a fly. Wesley
moves behind Chekov.]
Chekov: Keptin, that pesky boy is here again.
Wesley: The name's "Wes", "Wes Crusher".
Chekov: OK, Ves.
Wesley: No, it's "Wes".
Chekov: That's what I said, "Res".
Wesley: No, read my lips -- [slowly] W-W-W-W-W-E-E-S-S-S.
Chekov: Oh -- Wes ...
Wesley: Yes!
Chekov: Wes Cwushah.
Wesley: No!! [goes and bangs head against wall; Chekov shrugs]
[ lights dim and ship shudders ]
Kirk: Mr. Sulu, steady as she goes. Uhura, see what's keeping Spock
and Scott. Yeoman, over here.
Spock: [over intercom] < Spock, here, Captain. Mr. Scott has bypassed
the circuits in Engineering. Ready for first phase. >
McCoy: [interrupting, over intercom] < McCoy here. The Cloud-Vampire is
in the transporter room. Tell Dr. Crusher I'm sorry we used her
blood bank as bait. Sealing all vents. There's nothing there
now but the Cloud and Scotty's anti-matter bomb. >
Spock: < Due to the Doctor's verbosity, we have 12 seconds before
detonation ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... >
Kirk: Scotty, beam it into the amoeba's nucleus! Now!
Spock: < ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... >
[shift to Scotty working at a make-shift console in auxiliary control;
catch shot of Cloud and bomb de-materializing in transporter room; quickly
shift to Enterprise outlined against full-color view of amoeba,
then back to bridge]
[lights dim, ship shakes, TOS crew performs typical bridge lurches;
TNG crew knocked flat on asses; Troi flies across room into Kirk's
lap; somehow, Kirk gets a mouthful. Riker pulls her away.]
Chekov: Keptin, look.
[ stars are again visible on screen; the blackness caused by being
within the Giant Amoeba is gone.]
Sulu: Three down, sir, two to go.
Kirk: Uhura, Mr. Spock will need your help. Keep in touch and watch
for pizza bats.
Uhura: Aye, sir. [exits]
LaForge: I'd better go take a peek from the observation deck. [leaves]
Rand: I didn't have the heart to tell him that Mr. Scott finished off the
the brandy that LaForge had stashed down there.
Picard: Are you saying one of my crew is a closet alcoholic?
Kirk: Picard, evacuate your surviving people from the saucer section.
Troi: Captain Picard, be careful --
Kirk: We're going to need the saucer.
Troi: I sense deception! I sense --
[Kirk looks at Rand. Rand looks at Kirk. Suddenly Troi leaps onto
Kirk and tries to pull his pants off. Riker pulls her away again.]
Riker: Deanna, does this mean it's all over between us?
Rand: Captain Lovey-Dovey. Bonk, bonk.
Picard: What is this evacuation order about? I demand to know.
Kirk: We may lose the saucer in the final fight. Just get your
precious crew out.
Spock: [via intercom]: < Spock, here. Captain, we MUST recover Engineering.
Auxiliary systems have all failed. >
Kirk: I thought you'd killed the pizza bats by turning up the lights
in Engineering.
Spock: < Negative, Captain. We were unsuccessful. >
Chekov: Planet-killer is in pursuit again.
McCoy: [arriving from turbolift] Jim, our plan won't work! It's a different
kind of pizza bat!
Decker: [from behind McCoy] My crew! My ship! All gone, destroyed. Kirk,
you know what we must do.
Kirk: Bones, the pizza bats left Decker alone on the planet. And he's
been wandering the ship while Picard's crew is being slaughtered.
Decker: Don't you think I know that!!
McCoy: [administers yet another sedative] So why did Decker survive?
Kirk: There must be something we're missing. Why avoid Decker and attack
the ST:TNG crew? What makes Decker so different?
Sulu: Sir, you couldn't get one of the ST:TNG crew to act like Decker
if you rectally penetrated them with electrified cattle prods.
Kirk: Acting ... like Decker. OVERacting ... like Decker. That's it. The
pizza bats can't tolerate overacting.
McCoy: Jim, we can't be certain.
Kirk: We only have one chance, Bones. [turns] Mr. Data, I'm going to need
my crew in Engineering. I must count on you to maintain the helm.
Data: [waits for Picard to object] I will.
Kirk: Good. If you don't hear from us in 15 minutes, separate the saucer
and destroy us. [Kirk and crew exit]
Data: I shall do so.
[ Data walks to helm, creaking as he goes.]
Picard: What is that noise?
Data: It is I, sir. The TOS women were testing some of my functions
and the lubrication system failed in some of my bearings due
to the unusually vigorous and repetitive motion.
Yar: [slugs Data] You SLUT!!
[ "Dynasty"-style music is heard and yet another commercial break begins]
~~~~~
ACT V (yeah, five acts, not four)
~~~~~
[outside Engineering, Kirk addresses crew. the buzzing of the pizza
bats is audible.]
Kirk: We're going to need every ounce of overacting we can muster. On
my signal, get in there and ham it up!
[Scott forces open the door to Engineering and they rush in. pizza bats
are clinging to the walls. Decker runs around in wide circles
screaming incoherently and foaming at the mouth. The others do their part.]
Uhura: Captain, I'm frightened!
Rand: Look at my legs now!
Chekov: It was inwented in Russia!
Sulu: [fencing an imaginary partner] Aye, sir!
McCoy: I'm a doctor, not an actor!
Chapel: Spock, I've always loved you!
Scott: The engines canna take nae more, Captain!
Kirk: I'm responsible for the lives of 430 crewmen!
Spock: [working with tricorder] Captain, we do not have enough overacting.
Kirk: Mr. Spock, be emotional -- that's an order!
[ Spock rushes to embrace Chapel and they start ripping off clothes;
the others repeat their lines more fervently. Kirk whips out a handy
copy of the U.S. Constitution and starts reading (as he did in "The
Omega Glory"). Music is building to crescendo throughout the scene.
Wesley innocently enters.]
Kirk: We, the people of the United States, in order to form a more
perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, ...
[ Decker sees Kirk's paper and makes a beeline for him...]
Kirk & Decker: provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare,
and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity do
ordain and establish this Constitution of the United States of
America.
[ Music has risen to climax; cymbals crash ... and the pizza bats
all fall to the floor ... dead. All fall silent, panting, out of
breath. Wesley has collapsed from the strain of watching.]
McCoy: Not bad for a Canadian ham, eh?
Kirk: We're not through yet. Spock, Scotty, we need that power now. Sulu
and Uhura, come with me. The rest of you, load up for the final phase
of the plan.
[Kirk, Sulu, and Uhura arrive back on bridge. ST:TNG crew is standing
around.]
Kirk: Open fire on the Planet-Killer, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Aye, aye, sir. Phasers locking. Firing.
Uhura: [in Chekov's usual position] Direct hit. No damage.
Sulu: Planet-Killer has closed and caught us in its tractor beam.
Picard: Are you mad?
Kirk: Possibly. You'd better get off the saucer NOW. I'm going to
separate, ram the Planet-Killer, and explode the impulse engines.
Decker: [bursting in] Don't you think I know that!
Data: Captain Picard, I suggest we exit!
[all TNG folk save LaForge jam into turbolift and bug out; LaForge,
whose "eyes" are obviously malfunctioning, bumps into a wall.
Uhura walks over to him.]
Uhura: Hey, Janice and I thought you were kinda cute ... and, well, we
felt bad about your hair band getting smashed, so we had Scotty
whip up some new eyes for you...
[ hands LaForge some funky-looking Ray-Ban sunglasses; LaForge puts
them on]
Uhura: [looking at LaForge] Nice shades, man.
LaForge: Ooh, thanks. [looks around] Outasight! I feel so hip now.
Uhura: Remember your roots, brother. [LaForge exits]
Scott: [voice over intercom] < Warp engines functioning. Mr. Spock has
wired the impulse engines to fuse. I'm on my way up there. >
Kirk: Matt, join the rest of them. Get off the saucer.
Decker: [suddenly calms] Kirk, you know what this means to me. I'm ready
to die with you.
Kirk: We're not going to die. This will be a new beginning.
[Scott enters and starts working on the Captain's chair.]
Sulu: Separating saucer now. Impulse engines in reverse, holding against
the Planet-Killer.
Scott: We're ready, Captain. The impulse engines will fuse 5 seconds
after this switch is set. You beam out with the rest of them -- I
can handle this.
[on the viewscreen, we see "the duck" (NCC-1701D minus saucer) warping
away; Decker hisses -- the TNG crew has abandoned them! Sulu moves the field
of view to .... the NCC-1701! Scott and Kirk turn to look.]
Kirk: Scotty, I want you on that ship. [grins] You don't trust Spock
and McCoy to run her, do you?
Scott: Aye, Captain.
Decker: What in the blazes is going on, Kirk?
Kirk: The crew has been re-assembling the Enterprise from the mass of
this saucer... we needed the power of the warp engines to put that
final breath of life into the lady we love.
Spock: [over intercom] < Captain, you have 20 seconds. >
Kirk: Four to beam up, Mr. Spock. Now.
[Scott, Uhura, Sulu, and Decker are transported away. Kirk moves to
the helm ... an overdose of dramatic music starts to build up.]
Spock: < You have 15 seconds. >
Kirk: Lock onto me, Mr. Spock.
[the mouth of the Planet-Killer now fills entire viewscreen ... even
more dramatic music]
Spock: < 10 seconds ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... >
Kirk: [pulls switch] Now!
[as usual, the transporter fails during the typical end-of-episode
crisis. Spock and Scotty fiddle with the controls of the
transporter ... Kirk is perspiring heavily now]
Kirk: Mr. Spock, I suggest you hurry.
Spock: < 1 ... 0 .. energize. >
[the saucer explodes while Kirk is de-materializing ... we see
several seconds of effects -- explosion in Planet-Killer and
Kirk materializing on TOS ship ... Kirk finally appears.
McCoy rushes up to transporter platform ]
Chekov: [over intercom] < The Planet-Killer is dead! >
[all loosen up in relief ... Kirk sighs.]
Kirk: Gentlemen, how many times have you done this faulty-transporter
trick to me at the end of an episode?
Spock: Including the original series, the cartoons, and the movies,
approximately ...
Kirk: [interrupting] No, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
[ music and break for last commercial]
~~~~
epilog
~~~~
[ on the bridge of the TOS Enterprise; all are busily engaged in their
duties. ]
Kirk: [to Spock] Like Scotty promised, it's my Enterprise. It's even
full of redshirts ... what a nice touch.
McCoy: I knew you'd be needing a few and persuaded some TNG
extras to come over.
Spock: Sir, was it wise to bring back Decker?
Kirk: Spock, I need men like him, like my friend, the original
Matt Decker, the only man in the galaxy who could overact
more than I.
McCoy: Just keep him away from the cordrazine.
[ Spock starts to turn back to his post, but pauses]
Spock: You haven't yet told me how you prevented the Betamax from
discerning that you were concealing the truth.
Kirk: Very simple, Mr. Spock. I anticipated that she would read my mind,
so I had prepared a signal for Yeoman Rand to start playing with
my genitals. The resulting blitz of my mental reaction overpowered
Troi's defenses and drove her into an instant sexual frenzy.
[ Behind Kirk's back, Rand sticks finger in mouth and pretends
to gag. She turns to exit. ]
Kirk: Yeoman, where are you going?
Rand: I have a date with the writer of this parody ... he's been waiting
twenty years for this.
[ Rand exits. Enter Chapel with black hair. She's wearing a uniform
from "The Cage".]
McCoy: [whispers] Jim, she's telling us she's Number One now.
Kirk: Who is Number One?
Chapel: You are, Number Six.
Spock: Apparently she is suffering from a common malady. Series
disorientation ...
McCoy: Just a minute. I'm still the doctor around here. Series
disorientation occurs when a character has the delusion of being
another character in a TV series.
Kirk: You mean, I could get this and suddenly believe I'm "The Skipper"
from "Gilligan's Island"?
McCoy: Or worse.
Chapel: [dreamily] In the original pilot, *I* was Number One.
McCoy: [injecting her with a sedative] She'll be good as new again
in no time.
[Wesley pops out of turbolift; all crew suppress grimaces]
Wesley: Captain, sir, Sub-ensign Crusher reporting for duty, sir.
[Spock and McCoy glare at Kirk. Sulu and Chekov exchange looks.
Scott draws his phaser. Uhura makes a face.]
Kirk: Sub-ensign Crusher, here is your equipment. Guard it well.
[Kirk hands Wesley what is obviously a toilet-bowl scrubber
adorned with flashing lights on the bristles.]
Kirk: You can start with the heads on Deck 1. And, Mr. Crusher,
I want them so clean you can eat off them. And you
WILL eat off them if they don't pass inspection.
Wesley: Yes, sir! [rushes off bridge]
McCoy: Jim, don't you think you're being a little hard on the Beaver?
Kirk: On the contrary, Bones, I think that a little discipline is just
what he needs to become an officer.
Spock: I fail to see what would motivate you to help such an
intractably obnoxious brat.
Kirk: Haven't we all had those bratty little phases in our youth? [looks
nostalgic] Terrorizing the teachers ... looking down girls' shirts
... holding up 7-11's ... [Spock raises eyebrow] ah, I guess you
wouldn't know about those things.
McCoy: You see, Spock, there's still a few things you can learn about
us humans.
Spock: Evidently, doctor. I will consult with you the next time I hold up
a 7-11.
Kirk: Spock, I'm not the same man I was then.
McCoy: Jim, whatever has happened to us, wherever these bodies of ours
came from, you're the real Jim Kirk, and I'm the real McCoy.
Kirk: Right. I've got my ship, my crew, and lots of redshirts.
Sulu: [jumping up] So let's go kick some serious ass now!
[ everyone stares at Sulu; he sits down and plays with his console;
Kirk smiles. ]
Scott: Warp engines ready to go, sir. And tell Mr. Sulu to be gentle with them.
Kirk: Thank you, Mr. Scott. Ahead Warp Factor One, Mr. Sulu.
Sulu: Where, sir?
Kirk: Hm... Uhura, open a communications channel to...
Uhura: Where, sir?
Spock: Sir, it seems that we no longer have a mission.
Kirk: No!
[looks very agitated; music builds up to foreshadow impending overacting]
Kirk: We DO have a mission. These are the voyages of the starship
Enterprise. Our five-year mission -- to explore strange new
worlds, seek out new life and civilizations, to boldly go
where no man [Uhura clears throat] -- or woman -- has
gone before!
[ cut to scene of Enterprise shrinking off into the distance,
finally vanishing in a sea of stars]
Announcer: And now a look at next week's exciting all-new episode
of Star Trek: The Next Generation...
[ scene of bridge crew all wearing white naval-type uniforms... Love-Boat
theme music starts up ... "Trek -- exciting and new --
come aboard, we're expecting you..."]
Voiceover: Tempers flare when the Enterprise takes a swinging couple
to Mazatlan!
Announcer: And on next week's Star Trek: ROTOS (Return Of The Old Series) ...
the Enterprise goes back in time to obliterate NBC corporate
headquarters!
[ scene of 30 Rockefeller Plaza being melted by phasers. cut to bridge]
Spock: I would have preferred that we gone back and rescued
Zarabeth from "All Our Yesterdays".
Kirk: It's too late for that, Spock, she's teamed up with James
Garner now.
Spock: Am I being admonished by the man who became amorously involved
with Joan Collins in "The City on the Edge of Forever"? I think
YOU have taken a little too much LDS. Sir.
~~ appendix ~~
I wanted to do "Star Trek Rap", but Seth Meyer has done the definitive
ST rap. Guess I'll have to try for a video... An awful lot of the material
here was directly inspired by (stolen from?) other ST parodies.
A lot of descriptive text had to be removed (this thing is already well
over 1200 lines), so much imagination is required to visualize all this.
(of course, you know the camera will focus on Kirk every time he says
something which could be considered dramatic by even the slightest stretch
of the imagination.)
A couple sections just couldn't find their way into the final script,
primarily due to their unwholesome nature, and were cut out by the editor...
(and one unwholesome cheap shot is left for the reader to fill in above...)
OUTTAKES:
1 [TOS crew walking down hall]
1
1 Kirk: Is there a head on this ship somewhere?
1 Computer: [to the tune of "Bad Moon Rising"] There's a bathroom
1 on the right.
1 Kirk: Thank you. [enters toilet]
1
1 [time passes... McCoy and Spock look restless. Kirk emerges.]
1
1 Chekov: [typical shriek] Keptin! Keptin! Klingons around Uranus!
1
1 [all reach for phasers; Kirk looks behind himself, blushes, and
1 returns to bathroom]
2 [TNG crew is intently watching Giant Amoeba on viewscreen.]
2
2 Picard: Data, let's get a look at that from Geordi's Visual Acuity
2 Transmitter.
2 Data: Shall I put it on the viewscreen, sir?
2 Picard: Make it so.
2
2 [suddenly, the viewscreen image changes to that of an orgy with
2 numerous naked people rolling about; camera jerks back to LaForge
2 who is blissfully leaning back smiling; we see a plug leading from
2 one side of LaForge's hair band to a Sony Betamax VCR playing the tape
2 "Debbie Does Rigel 69."]
2
2 Data: Most intriguing.
3 [Special effect: Decker is riding a probe into Amoeba just like
3 Slim Pickens on the bomb at the end of "Dr. Strangelove".
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