The Bickersons:
"The Honeymoon is Over"
CAST
Announcer
John Bickerson
Blanche Bickerson
ANNOUNCER: Don Ameche and Frances Langford as John and Blanche Bickerson in "The Honeymoon is Over."
F/X: MUSIC UP
ANNOUNCER: The Bickersons have retired. It's 3 o'clock in the morning and Mrs. Bickerson lies tense and sleepless in the dark as poor husband john, victim of "raucous insomnia" or "Whimper's Malady" reaches a climax during an acute attack of his strange ailment. Listen.
JOHN: (the famous John Bickerson snore.)
BLANCHE: He'll stop now, I know he will.
JOHN: (snore continues into whimper-snore)
BLANCHE: Oh, dear.
JOHN: (snore continues into laugh-whimper)
BLANCHE: John, turn over on your side. Go on.
JOHN: (snore-moan)
BLANCHE: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
JOHN: (groggily excited) What is it, Blanche? What's the matter, What's the matter, Blanche?
BLANCHE: There isn't another woman in the world who'd sacrifice her youth and her looks to live with a man who rattles himself to sleep like a lot of old bones in a bag. What do you think I'm made of, John?
JOHN: Old bones.
BLANCHE: You've got to stop it.
JOHN: Stop what?
BLANCHE: That snoring.
JOHN: Oh, it's just your imagination, Blanche, I never snore.
BLANCHE: John Bickerson, how can you say that?
JOHN: Very easy, listen, "I never snore." I Never snore. I ne...ver.... (begins snoring again)
BLANCHE: (waking him) John!
JOHN: What's the matter? Why don't you let me sleep, Blanche!?
BLANCHE: What about me? What am I to do when you grind away like a buzz saw? I never sleep at all.
JOHN: You were fast asleep when I came home from my lodge meeting.
BLANCHE: What time did you come in?
JOHN: I don't know. Put out the lights.
BLANCHE: You said you'd have one drink and get home at ten.
JOHN: Well, I had ten drinks and got home at one. You knew where I was all the time, now don't start beefing about it.
BLANCHE: I didn't know where you were, I would have called you.
JOHN: What for?
BLACNHE: Because the express man came around again with that package. It's from Kentucky and there's freight charges on it.
JOHN: Well, why didn't you pay him? I've been waiting for that package.
BLANCHE: What is it?
JOHN: It's my dividend. I belong to the "Bottle of the Month Club."
BLANCHE: I'm just sick and tired the way your whole life is wrapped up in a bottle of Bourbon. Maybe you'd like me better if I wore a label and put a cork in my mouth.
JOHN: You needn't wear a label Blanche.
BLANCHE: There you go with your subtle insults again. When am I supposed to talk to you? You rush away in the morning and come home in the night when I'm sleeping. Sit up and talk to me, John.
JOHN: Blanche, I'm dead tired. I don't know what time I came home, but I was in the kitchen for over an hour.
BLACNHE: I Know, I heard you puttering around in there.
JOHN: I wasn't puttering. You asked me to fix the electric toaster and the curling iron didn't you? Well, I fixed 'em both.
BLANCHE: Do they work?
JOHN: They work fine. 'Cept the toast pops up with a permanent.
BLANCHE: That doesn't surprise me. Did you turn off all the lights?
JOHN: Turned off the lights.
BLANCHE: I suppose you left a mess in the kitchen?
JOHN: No mess.
BLANCHE: I hope you locked the back door. The cat got out three times last week.
JOHN: Cat won't get out tonight.
BLANCHE: Where'd you put him?
JOHN: In the birdcage.
BLANCHE: Birdcage? Where's the canary?
JOHN: In the cat.
BLANCHE: John Bickerson!
JOHN: Please, stop knockin' yourself out! Nothing' happened to the canary and the cat's fast asleep in the oven.
BLANCHE: Well, don't scare me like that. Are you sure all the animals are taken care of?
JOHN: I'm sure.
BLANCHE: How about the fish bowl? Did you heat up the water for the new baby goldfish?
JOHN: I heated his water, gave him his pabulum, burped him twice and changed his diaper. Would you put out the lights and let me sleep!
BLANCHE: Why are you so cross and disagreeable all the time, John?
JOHN: Because I'm exhausted.
BLANCHE: That's not true. You'd rather stay out the whole night carousing with your roughneck friends. Just kills you to spend the night with me.
JOHN: Oh, it doesn't kill me.
BLANCHE: It's a funny thing that I don't need anybody else. I'm always satisfied just to be with you.
JOHN: Well, you're in better company than I am. Good night, Blanche.
BLANCHE: Keep it up, John. Keep adding insult to Injury. Never a kind word or a compliment. Just work me to death like a slave. Pick at my meals and complain about my cooking.
JOHN: I never complain about your cooking!
BLANCHE: Then why didn't you eat that pie I made tonight?
JOHN: I did eat it! I ate every bit of it!
BLANCHE: You didn't like it!
JOHN: I couldn't chew it! The under-crust was like cardboard!
BLANCHE: Undercrust?
JOHN: Yes!
BLANCHE: That pie didn't have any undercrust. I gave it to you on a paper plate.
JOHN: Well the plate tasted better than the pie. Don't make pies anymore. I hate pies! I hate all desserts! Especially that orange-meringue-broccoli-dream-cake you make. Don't make me anymore desserts.
BLANCHE: I never know what to make for you. You've got the weirdest appetite of any man alive.
JOHN: yeah, sure, weird.
BLANCHE: For two months running you wouldn't eat any thing but pigs knuckles. Pigs knuckles, pig's knuckles!
JOHN: What about it?
BLANCHE: Just because you wanted pig's knuckles I had to cook my fingers to the bone! Why don't you hire a chef?
JOHN: ugh.
BLANCHE: I cook for you, I scrub for you, I sew for you. Do I get any thanks?
JOHN: Thanks.
BLANCHE: Thanks. That's all the thanks I get. No Love, no affection. How I envy Louise Shaw. Her husband treats her more like a friend than a wife.
JOHN: Well, settle down will ya Blanche?
BLANCHE: No, I won't. You think Louise ever makes breakfast for Mel? Not that lazy lump. She makes him go to work everyday without a morsel of food. Just a kiss for breakfast. Would you be satisfied with that?
JOHN: Sure, send her over in the morning.
BLANCHE: I mean would you be satisfied if I gave you a kiss for breakfast?
JOHN: Blanche, I 'd be satisfied with anything if you'd just let me get some rest!
BLANCHE: Answer me? Do you want a kiss for breakfast?
JOHN: Yes!
BLANCHE: Well ask for it!
JOHN: Blanche, I want a kiss for breakfast!
BLANCHE: Don't do me any favors. I'll never let you kiss me again as Long as you live. Not until you apologize.
JOHN: Apologize for what? What have I done!?
BLANCHE: It's what you haven't done. You haven't told me you love me for years. Why don't you say you're sorry you married me?
JOHN: Because I'm not!
BLANCHE: Am I the only wife in the world for you?
JOHN: You're the only wife in the world for me.
BLANCHE: You're lying. Swear.
JOHN: I swear I'm lying. (pause) I mean I'm not lying.
BLANCHE: Well < that's no way to swear. Say it nicely!
JOHN: You're the only wife in the world for me!
BLANCHE: Really, John?
JOHN: Really. I wouldn't have another wife like you for anything!
BLANCHE: I wish I'd known more about you before we were married.
JOHN: Oh, you knew everything.
BLANCHE: I didn't know about that tattoo you have on your stomach. That's a real indication to a man's character. I wish I'd known.
JOHN: Now wait a minute, I had that tattoo put on my stomach when I was just a silly kid.
BLANCHE: You ought to me ashamed of yourself. A hula girl with a big dimple in her chin.
JOHN: That dimple was there before she was. (pause) Don't go diggin' up my stomach at this time of the night.
BLANCHE: Well< why don't you have that ugly picture removed?
JOHN: Okay, I'll have it removed in the morning.
BLANCHE: You say it but you won't do it. Have it done now.
JOHN: What?
BLANCHE: Go on. Get up and get rid of that hula girl.
JOHN: Are you out of your mind? It's almost 4 o'clock in the morning!
BLANCHE: You'd get rid of her quick enough if you were married to Gloria Gooseby
JOHN: Ooooo, now don't start with Gloria Gooseby!
BLANCHE: She'd holler plenty if you didn't do what she liked.
JOHN: I always do what she likes and she never hollers! I hate the sight of Gloria Gooseby. I never want you to mention her name again. Do you hear me!
BLANCHE: Don't yell at me! I'm sick.
JOHN: Sick?
BLANCHE: Doctor Hershey told me there was something the matter with my head.
JOHN: You don't mean to say you paid a doctor for that?
BLANCHE: You make fun if you like, but I know I won't last long.
JOHN: What's the matter with you?
BLANCHE: Nothing.
JOHN: Are you really sick?
BLANCHE: So sick I could die. I think I'm poisoned. I've got the most awful indigestion. Call the doctor, John.
JOHN: You don't need the doctor, I'll take care of it for you. Lie still and I'll fry you some radishes and hot sauerkraut juice.
BLANCHE: Radishes and hot sauerkraut juice?
JOHN: Finest cure in the world for indigestion. Lie still.
BLANCHE: John Bickerson, I don't want any of your insane remedies. You'll treat me for indigestion and I'll probably die of Liver trouble.
JOHN: Listen, if I treat you for indigestion, you'll die of indigestion! Now, do you want me to help you or not?
BLANCHE: I'll feel a lot better if you just don't scream at me and tell me you love me.
JOHN: (under his breath) Huh, I knew you weren't sick.
BLANCHE: Tell me you love me, John.
JOHN: I love you.
BLANCHE: How much do you love me?
JOHN: How much do you need?
BLANCHE: Now, John, Easter Sunday's only two days away and I haven't got a new hat.
JOHN: What happened too the hat you bought last Easter?
BLANCHE: It's in a box on the dresser. But that hat's worn out.
JOHN: Well, wear the box. You can't be squandering my money on Easter hats.
BLANCHE: Please, John, just this once? I saw a wonderful hat with a reversible brim that can be turned up or down.
JOHN: How much is it?
BLANCHE: Sixty dollars.
JOHN: Turn it down.
BLANCHE: Turn it down, turn it down. I turn everything down because you're always looking for bargains. When you married me you didn't get any bargain.
JOHN: How well I know it.
BLANCHE: Oh, you know what I mean. You only like the kind of woman who would pass up a mink coat to buy a cheap fur.
JOHN: Well what's wrong with buying a cheap fur?
BLANCHE: Nothing. Would you like to see the one I bought, dear?
JOHN: What?
BLANCHE: It's a dyed-rabbit choker and it only cost ninety-four dollars.
JOHN: (getting upset) Ninety-four dollars for a dead rabbit!
BLANCHE: Don't get upset!
JOHN: (over the top) Blanche, how can you squander my money like that?! I deny my self everything! Last week I had all my teeth pulled out so I could save money on eating! I've been sewing collars on your old bloomers and wearing them for shirts! I haven't even got a pair of pants! Yesterday I hung a whiskbroom from your plaid skirt and went to work dressed as a Scotsman! And she spends ninety-four dollars on Easter rabbits!
BLANCHE: All right, all right! I'll take it back. I never knew you could be so mean.
JOHN: Oh, take it back.
BLANCHE: I wish my poor grand daddy was still alive. He'd never let you treat me like this.
JOHN: All of a sudden she's got a grand daddy. I never heard you mention him before.
BLANCHE: He was the best friend I ever had. I took his advice on everything.
JOHN: (under his breath) oh, yeah, yeah.
BLANCHE: He could've settled a lot of our problems. I'll bet he'd tell you to let me keep that choker.
JOHN: How do you know?
BLANCHE: Because I know. And when I get to Heaven I'm going to ask him.
JOHN: Suppose he isn't in Heaven?
BLANCHE: Then you can ask him.
JOHN: Good night, Blanche.
BLANCHE: Good night, John.
F/X: MUSIC UP & OUT
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